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“In the old days, if someone had a secret they didn't want to share… do you know what they did? They went up a mountain, found a tree, carved a hole in it, and whispered the secret into the hole. Then they covered it with mud. And left the secret there forever.” – from In The Mood For Love by Wong Kar Wai
It is said that you see your whole life right before you die. But right now, I can see our whole life together – as short as it was – in this moment right here, while locking this apartment door for one last time, as you walk away towards the elevator without seeing me.
That sway of your hips that I used to admire. First from afar, then from up close. Then you did that just for me. Meeting you and being with you was one of the best things that ever happened to me.
I used to love you so deeply, so profusely. I genuinely thought that nothing could ever come between us. That nothing could ever tear apart what we had. I never met anyone that made me feel the way you did. Shit, I sound like a cheesy pop song. And I fucking hate pop and I utterly despise love songs.
Loving you taught me so much about me. About the world. Your love for me taught me even more. The way we said the same things in different ways. The way we fucked like we meant it, like we actually made love. Another cheesy thing. That was completely unexpected on my part, you know. I’m not sure I ever told you though, but I actually loved all these things just like you love sweets: in secrecy.
Damn.
And now I'm moving away.
I didn't erase your number from my phone. I memorized it anyway, so… it's still here, in my head. When we met, we hated each other. Neighbors to lovers, what a boring trope. Thank God this is real life and not some lousy rom com. Enemies to lovers? Shit, that’s even worse, like a fanfiction a college girl would write.
We grew apart. That's how it happens, right? Each one with a demanding career, we spent less time together. Is lesser a word?
Your hair is so beautiful.
I truly hope that you'll find your happiness.
Who said that it is better to love and to lose that love, than to have never loved at all?
Shit.
I'm getting emotional.
In a minute, there will be next to zero chances for the two of us to ever meet again. Maybe I should call your name and tell you goodbye.
Nah. It's better like this. Healthier.
I respect you still. Sure, we spent so little time together in the end, that the actual separation made no difference. I missed you at first. Lonely dinners, lonely breakfasts, working lunches, tired weekends. It's hard to juggle all that with a relationship, no matter how much you love the other.
Those three weeks that we spent traveling were amazing. Getting to know each other so well felt so right at that time. Another thing that I failed to tell you, like a big secret, and now it’s too late: that was my first real vacation.
I'll keep those pictures, you know. No matter who or what happens to me, our love was real. It’s still part of who I am.
What the hell am I doing right now? If you'd hear my thoughts, you'd think I'm crazy or clingy. You hate clingy, I know. I'm just looking at you, thinking all these thoughts, having all of our good times flashing in my mind's eye, mourning our love.
Yeah.
That's it. I am mourning our love and what could've been. If I wasn't working so much. If we moved in together sooner. If you weren't promoted at that specific time. If we wouldn't have had such different schedules. If you wouldn't have met a valid man at your workplace.
Damn. That one hurt. He is tall and handsome too, I'm not blind. You two make a nice couple.
Fuck.
I miss you sometimes. It seems that I also lost one of my few close friends with our breakup. Should I think about our bad times, to balance it out a bit? Nah, it's okay, we got over each other and that's good enough, we don't need to spoil anything.
For a moment, I thought my heart would turn into stone, and that was even more painful than being alone. I was positive that we would last.
Who knows what the future has prepared for each of us?
Actually, scratch that, I did not get over you, the thought of losing what we had hurts like hell, and seeing you falling for someone else hurts more than anything I’ve ever imagined. I spent sleepless nights fixating on ‘what ifs’ about you and me.
I will forever cherish what we had. But right now, it still hurts so fucking bad. Your slick eyes, your silk hair, your soft skin, your embrace, your half-jokes, your laughter to my shit jokes, you favorite cup, your stupid salad spinner, your old, discolored sleeping t-shirt, your picture, your face.
I remember each thrust, your chest, your thighs. Your tightness around me, your moist mouth, your gentle touch. Your sweet embrace. The strength of your arms hugging my shoulders, the soft gaze early in the morning, the taste of your saliva after we kissed for a long time.
Damn.
I hate that saying, fuck that shit. At this precise moment, while I'm standing here, seeing you for the last time, and my stomach is a pit of darkness filled with stones, and water drowns my heart and blocks my breathing, I really wish we would have never fallen for each other.
Damned be the day I moved into this building. Screw the day that you moved across the hall. To hell with our first conversation.
I regret it all, because it ends today.
A pain bigger than me threatens to occupy my chest, and I am not sure I will ever be able to chase it away.
This pain is…
I'm out of air.
What void is bigger, the one left behind by lost love, or the one that never got occupied by love at all? What is easier to mourn, a lost love, or a non-existing one? What hurts worse, dying, or not-quite-being-alive? Is ignorance truly bliss? I’ll never know that.
Something got in my eye. I'd better finish locking this door and get going.
Farewell, I will not forget you, but I wish I could.