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They said that when the Marauders threw parties, they had to be on Fridays. That way, you’d have Saturday and Sunday to recover.
Remus was starting to understand why.
It was a Friday in April, 6th year. The girls put on an ABBA record that the boys pretended not to like. Remus and Sirius were sat next to each other in the throes of a heated debate, (which Bowie song was his best), Peter was destroying James at wizard chess while Regulus tried to give James pointers, (he was too stubborn to take them), and Mary, Marlene, and Dorcas danced, pleasantly buzzed.
Lily burst into the common room.
“Circle up, we’re playing a game.” She shouted.
Mary, Marlene, and Dorcas joined her without question. James bit his tongue while he pondered his next move. “I’m in the middle of a game, Miss Evans.”
“In the middle of losing a game.” Regulus grumbled. “Peter’s ten times better than you.”
“You really think so, Regulus?” Peter smiled.
“Just look at the board.”
“Forget wizard chess, Peter wins every time. I’ve got something far more interesting.” Lily set a box down on the coffee table. “Actually, let’s move this.” Remus stood to help her move the table out of the way.
He asked, “What’s in the box, Evans?”
“You’ll see. Everyone bring your cups!”
The group sat down in a circle on the rug. Sirius poured everyone refills. Lily tore open the package.
Nine different potions were neatly tucked in the package, three rows, three columns.
“Holy— Merlin, Lily.” Marlene nearly cackled. “Rob Slughorn on your way back to the common room?”
“You could say something like that.”
James whistled.
“You’re wild, Evans.” Sirius grinned.
Mary blurted out excitedly, “So what’s the game?” She was a sucker for drinking games. And she could hold her liquor like a monster.
“We’re gonna mix the regulation amount of each potion into a different drink, blindly switch ‘em around, and each drink one.” She poked her tongue in her cheek triumphantly.
The group paused.
Dorcas broke the silence, “I mean this is too clever to not do it.” She mused, “Well done, then, Lils.”
“Obviously no one has to,” Lily shrugged, “But it’d be more fun with more people. Everyone in?”
Everyone was in.
Regulus was a bit hesitant but they established that if anything got too hectic there were measures they could take to fix it.
“First things first, I have a polyjuice and an amortentia that need some DNA.” Lily pulled them out of the box.
“How—?”
“That box must’ve cost old Slugs a fortune, Lily!”
“Most likely.” Lily smirked, “Let’s take a vote.”
Peter is chosen to put a hair in the polyjuice, and Remus for the amortentia.
Peter whined, “Why me?” while James plucked a blond hair off of his head.
“Who wouldn’t wanna be you, Wormy?” Sirius grinned.
“You’re just that cute!” James crooned. He went to pinch his cheek but Peter waved his hands away.
“Why me ?” Remus asked, pulling a strand of his own hair out of his head.
“We trust you, Remus.” Mary smiled.
He shrugged, and passed his hair to Lily, who put it in the small vial.
“You’re the least threatening.” Regulus pointed out.
“You’re a big sweetheart!” Marlene hollered.
He scoffed. “I am not.”
Lily interrupted, “Okay, everyone take a potion.”
“I thought we were mixing them in?”
“We are, but I’m not doing all the grunt work.”
-
Once all the potions were mixed into the drinks, everyone closed their eyes while Lily cast a spell so the drinks scrambled themselves. Lily herself closed her eyes until the sounds of clinking stopped.
Everyone took a drink.
“3… 2… 1…”
Remus, Sirius, Marlene, and Mary did theirs like shots. Lily, James, Dorcas, and Regulus drank theirs in one go, but slower than a shot.
Peter sipped his.
Remus immediately tried to figure out what he had taken, but it didn’t take much figuring out because when he looked down at his hands, they were fading away.
“Ah.” Remus clicked his tongue. “Invisibility.” He figured he had a few seconds to grab a quill and parchment before all hell broke loose.
Remus , he wrote, Invisibility
He looked over at James, whose face was morphing into Peter’s.
“Blimey, is this how people without glasses see all the time?” He blinked. “Peter, I’m you!”
Peter was asleep.
James — Polyjuice
Peter — Sleeping Drought
“What could anyone possibly need a levitation potion for?” Dorcas mumbled grumpily from the ceiling and crossed her arms. “We have levitation spells for Merlin’s sake.”
Dorcas — Levitation
Marlene and Lily looked at each other. It was like something clicked between them, but Lily let out this shrill, hysterical cackle. She doubled over laughing, unable to hold herself up.
Lily — Hysterical Laughter
She was pointing at Marlene, who was sobbing uncontrollably. Big, round tears rolled down her cheeks, and Remus summoned some tissues to control the snot bubbling from her nose.
Marlene — Hysterical Sobs
Uh oh.
He looked over at Mary, Sirius, and Regulus.
Mary, who had been sitting on the ground, looked around, distraught. “Where’s Remus?” She looked up and down frantically, “I need to tell Remus something. Where’s Remus?”
“What do you need to tell me?”
“Remus?” Mary jolted, “Where are you?”
“Right here, I’m invisible.”
“I’m in love with you!”
Remus sighed, “Mary, you took amortentia.”
“Oh.” Mary said in a small voice, “You’re so smart, Remus!”
“Mary, why don’t you take a seat on the couch?”
Mary crawled over to the couch.
Mary — Amortentia
That left Sirius and Regulus. At least Sirius wasn’t on Amortentia.
“What are you feeling, Sirius?”
“I feel like I need to tell you something.” Sirius said, with an intense look on his face, “Really important.”
Remus shrugged, “What do you need to tell me, Pads?”
“I’m in love with you.” He slapped his hand over his mouth.
“NO! I’m in love with Remus!” Mary stood. Sirius glared at her.
Remus gaped, “You’re fucking joking.”
“Wow.”
Remus jumped, “Peter! I thought you were—”
“It’s James.”
“Oh, right.”
“Well, this is messy.” James waved his hands as Peter.
“You’re telling me.”
“Padfoot, do you like ABBA?”
“Love ‘em. Fuck!”
“Okay so Padfoot’s on veritaserum.”
“But—” Remus cried.
“Can’t be that surprised, can you mate?”
“I—” Remus was so thankful to be invisible.
“Now what’s baby Black on?” James glanced at him. “How ya feeling, Reg?”
“Everything is so… beautiful.” Regulus’ face lit up, “I love this common room! I’m going to McGonagall right now!”
“McGonagall?” James laughed, “What for, Reggie?”
“I’m gonna switch to Gryffindor!”
“You are absolutely not.”
Regulus - Felix Felicis
James took the quill out of Remus’ invisible hand, scratched out his neat Regulus , and in chicken scratch wrote Reg .
“Don’t mean to interrupt, but can someone…” Dorlene crossed her arms. “Can someone tie me down?”
Remus grabbed her foot and pulled her down slowly. James took off his tie and real Peter’s tie, and tied both her ankles to the feet of a chair. She gripped the arms of the chair.
“Someone separate those two,” She laughed, pointing at Lily and Marlene, who were hugging and crying. Lily from laughter, and Marlene who just couldn’t stop.
James and Remus gently guided Marlene over to the couch, placing her next to Mary. Marlene immediately latched on to Mary.
“I’m not even upset, I just can’t stop crying.”
“Oh, you’re lucid!” Dorcas laughed, “How do you feel, babes?”
“Bad,” Marlene choked, “I hate crying.”
“Not a big crier?”
“Not particularly, no.” She sobbed. “This is— this is the only time you lot will see me cry. Never again.”
(This, of course, is not true. There wasn’t a single dry eye at her wedding to Dorcas. But that’s nearly a decade from now.)
Lily hiccuped with laughter, “Our potions seem to have opposite effects. I’m not particularly amused either.”
“Can you handle yourself, though?” Remus asked.
“I’ll be fine.” She coughed, laughing like a madwoman.
“Okay so Marlene, Lily, Dorcas, and James are sorted.” He wrote that down on his parchment. “That leaves… Peter who needs to be put to bed, Mary who’s in love with me, Sirius who’s in love with me, and Regulus. Who is…” He looked over at Regulus, “Tripping balls.”
“I’ve never felt better!” Regulus grinned a Sirius grin. “I feel like I could take on an army.” He giggled.
“Remus! You said my name!” Mary cried, “Why can’t I see you?”
Remus didn’t say anything.
“I wish I could see you. You’re so beautiful!”
“Mary, you’re steady with a woman. Your girlfriend.” Dorcas reminded her gently. Mary pouted.
“Ah, Remus,” James said delicately, “We might have a problem.”
“Oh god,” Remus pinched the bridge of his invisible nose, “Now what?”
“Sirius is gone.”
“Fuuuck.”
“Yeah, he must have disappeared when we got Dorcas down from the ceiling.”
“Much appreciated, lads.”
“You’re welcome, Cass.” James smiled, “Now can you watch these four while me and Remus haul real Pete up the stairs?”
-
Getting real Pete up the stairs wasn’t all that hard, except for having to explain to outsiders why the fuck Peter was dragging his dead clone up the stairs with the help of an invisible man.
“He’s not my clone, and he’s not dead!” James protested when Frank Longbottom, a 7th year student, stopped them on the staircase.
“Well, I’ve had multiple first and second years report someone dragging themselves up the stairs, with the help of… a ghost?”
“It’s not a ghost…”
“Hold on,” Frank squinted at James, “Potter? Did you take Polyjuice and…” he poked real Peter, “Kill Pettigrew here?”
“He’s not dead.” Remus spoke up. Frank jumped.
“Merlin’s balls!” Frank swore, “Who are you? Have you been here the whole time?”
“It’s Remus.”
“Lupin,” Frank pinched the bridge of his nose, “Why are you invisible?”
They filled him in on the situation.
“So you mean to tell me that if I go downstairs, I’ll see Marlene McKinnon crying , Dorcas Meadowes strapped to a chair with Gryffindor ties, Lily Evans cackling like a banshee, and Regulus Black, heir to the ‘Noble and Most Ancient House of Black’” He put on a high pitched voice to say the name, “ Tripping balls ?”
“Pretty much, mate.”
“Sums it up.”
“I… need to see this.” Frank started down the stairs, “Good luck, lads.” He cast a levitation spell on real Pete.
“ Ohhhh!” James and Remus said at the same time.
-
They finally got real Pete tucked into bed.
James and Remus noticed Sirius hiding behind his curtains, so they didn’t talk to each other, hoping Sirius wouldn’t realize Remus was in the room.
James left, making a point to audibly close the door.
Remus heard Sirius sigh in relief and flop down on his bed.
“You’re bad at hiding.”
Sirius yelped and sat upright. “Remus!”
“How’s the truth serum?”
“Bad.” He mumbled, “Embarrassing.”
“Do you want me to leave?”
“ No.” Sirius blurted out. He coughed, “Um… no.”
“Okay.” Remus sits down on the bed with Sirius, “Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”
“Scared.”
“Of what?”
“Rejection.”
Remus startled. “Why would I reject you?”
“You’re so smart, and you’re so pretty. And you’re cool , Moony, without even trying.” Sirius stared at the roof of his bed curtains.
“Sirius, you’re all of those things.”
“You’re just saying that.” Sirius groaned, “And y’know, I sleep around, I’m disinherited, and I’ve got a whole host of other issues.”
“I’m not just saying it!” Remus protested, “And I don’t care about all that other stuff.”
“I wish I could see you.” Sirius frowned.
“Can I touch you?”
“Please.”
Remus hugged Sirius in sort of a spooning position.
“I’m sorry.” Sirius said.
“What for?”
“That I’m in love with you.”
“Don’t be. I’m just sorry I had to find out this way.” Remus pressed his face into the other boy’s back.
“It was bound to happen.” Sirius mumbled, “But I wish it was on my terms.”
“Please,” Remus scoffed, “If it was on your terms you’d never have said anything. I thought I’d have to make the first move.”
“…What?”
“You heard me.”
“I—”
“It’s rather obvious, don’t you think?”
“But—” Sirius turned around to face Remus, and then remembered the other boy was invisible.
“Sirius.”
“What?”
“I love you.”
Sirius didn’t hesitate, “I love you too, Moony. I wish I could see your face right now.”
“You see my face everyday.”
Sirius huffed, “And?”
“You can wait it out.”
Sirius grumbled and turned back over.
“Goodnight, Sirius.”
“Goodnight, Moony.”
-
When Remus woke the next day, he was visible.
Thank Morgan.
Remus silently slipped out of Sirius’ bed and went downstairs.
Dorcas had come untied in the night and came crashing to the ground right as Remus came in.
“ Wingardium leviosa!” He cried.
“ Phew Lupin, what would I do without you.” Dorcas stepped onto the floor. “Good morning!”
“Good morning.” Remus replied, “How’d the rest of last night go?”
“Ah, I put silencing charms on Marlene and Lily.” Dorcas pointed at the two who had fallen asleep on top of each other on the floor. “Regulus talked Mary up and convinced her to ask you out. Of course, he was on Felix and she was on Amortentia so it didn’t take much convincing and it’s not like he could have failed at it anyway.”
Remus groaned.
“Mary tried to break into the boys’ dorm and James had to calm her down and bring her back down here. Poor thing was so emotionally exhausted, she fell asleep.” She pointed to Mary, asleep on the couch. “Then James and Regulus untied me and we danced to ABBA for an hour until Reg was tired out. You wouldn’t believe it, but he’s actually a fantastic dancer. Then James strapped me back in.” Dorcas made a face, “I don’t know how I slipped out of the ties last night, but it wasn’t all that bad sleeping on the ceiling.”
Lily and Marlene woke up slowly, silently.
“Ah, forgot to unsilence them.” Dorcas flicked her wand.
“—and I have such a killer headache!” Lily rubbed her eyes.
“Good morning, you evil mastermind!”
Lily groaned, “Shut it, Dorcas. My voice hurts from laughing so much.”
“My pride hurts.” Marlene complained, “I am not a crier. My ducts are vast deserts and I mean to keep them that way.”
Dorcas tucked her wand away and said, “They were vast oceans last night, my love.”
Regulus, looking extremely ruffled, woke with a start and a sort of crazed look in his eye. “What happened?”
“Regulus, my darling, you’re a dancer!” Dorcas crooned, “A prima!”
His face twitched. He tried to fix his shirts but decided to leave them alone.
Lily helped Marlene off the floor, and they carefully sat down next to Mary. Peter came downstairs looking extremely well rested.
“How’s your sleep, Pete?” Remus asked.
“I slept like a baby.” Peter smiled, “What happened?”
“You got the sleeping drought.”
“Ohh…”
Dorcas helped Regulus stand, “Would you like to accompany me on a walk of shame back to the dungeons?”
Regulus nodded.
“Lily, you’re a maniac. Love ya.” Dorcas saluted Remus, “It’s been real, Lupin.” They climbed through the painting.
“Remus…” Lily croaked, “Was last night… a good idea?”
“Evans, you’re a mad genius,” Remus patted her shoulder, “We’re never, ever, doing this again.”
“Agreed.”