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“Why do you even want to know?”
Beca sighs when she walks into the house and is immediately hit by Charlie’s booming voice. She loves her daughters, dearly, but sometimes she wishes they never learned to talk.
She kicks off her shoes and walks into the kitchen.
“It won’t change anything.”
“Exactly, so why are you so mad?” Lennon shoots back.
They both stop when they notice Beca standing there. She has her arms crossed over her chest as she looks between her two oldest, expecting an explanation. She doesn’t get one. All she gets is more silence.
In the corner of the room, Maggie is sitting at the table. She’s curled up into one of the chairs with her knees pulled up to her chest. There’s something heartbreaking about her expression, but until she knows what this argument is about, there’s no way to take it away.
“What’s going on in here?”
Silence.
“Someone better speak up. Soon. Because we aren’t leaving this room until I get some answers.”
Beca hates being the hardass. She likes being fun and carefree with her kids, but lately they’ve been making it harder and harder.
“And if you think I’m going to let you get away with screaming at each other like that, you’re very, very, wrong.”
When they still don’t say anything, Beca says,
“Fine, we’ll wait for mom to get home.”
It isn’t so much a threat, as it is a promise, because they all know the second Chloe asks, one of them is going to spill everything; Beca calls it her superpower.
She’s hoping the idea of that happening is enough to get them to talk but when they don’t, she rolls her eyes, and says,
“Alright, Chuck, take a seat with your sisters. You guys get to watch me make dinner. How exciting.”
Beca watches, out of the corner of her eye, to try and gauge the dynamic. Charlie sits close to Maggie, who rests her head on Charlie’s shoulder; always ready to try and calm her hot-headed sister down.
Beca knows almost everything she needs to know when she catches the look between Charlie and Lennon. There’s a fierceness there, it isn’t new for Charlie, but for Lennon it feels strange. Something big is going on.
That’s just great.
Chloe walks into a silent house. That’s always much more concerning than when she walks into chaos. At least with the chaos she knows what to expect. Silence in their house is often like the quiet in a horror movie, right before a big jump scare.
“Hello?”
“In here.”
She can tell by Beca’s tone that she was right. When she sees all three of her daughters sitting at the table, in various states of annoyance, she’s reassured once more.
“Uh oh, what’s this?”
“I don’t know, yet.” Beca says.
She leans over to give Chloe a kiss; her own version of passing the baton.
“Hi mommy.”
“Hi Mags.”
The other two don’t say anything. Chloe takes a seat on the opposite side of the table and looks into each of their eyes. She quirks an eyebrow when she looks at Charlie; more often than not she’s the instigator.
Charlie ducks her head and Chloe knows she’s about to crack. Thankfully, it doesn’t usually take all that long. She takes a deep breath, one that lifts her shoulders, and looks back up into Chloe’s face.
“Len, wants to know the donor.”
It doesn’t click. Not at first. Then it does.
“Oh.”
Chloe knows Beca has just had the same realization when she hears the knife stop hitting the cutting board. All of the sound in the room stops. It’s completely still in their house in what feels like seventeen years.
“I told her it was dumb.”
“Charlotte.” Beca’s voice is a warning.
“What? It is.”
Chloe looks over at Lennon and the expression on her face is indescribable. It’s a mixture of embarrassment and anger and guilt, unlike anything Chloe has ever seen.
“It’s not dumb.” Chloe says.
Beca comes over to take the seat next to her. They’ve talked about this day. They’ve talked about it a million times since Lennon was born, and a hundred times before she even existed. They thought they were prepared, but they had no clue how it would actually feel when it came.
Beca rests a hand on Chloe’s knee and squeezes. A little reassurance before Chloe speaks again, this time looking at Charlie.
“This doesn’t have to be a group decision. If one of you wants to know everything, and another doesn’t want to know anything, that’s okay. If one of you is somewhere in the middle of that, that’s okay, too. It’s your decision; each of you. And there is no right or wrong choice.”
Lennon looks over at Charlie. She still feels so much anger inside, toward the way she reacted when she said she wanted to ask about the donor. She can’t say she was expecting Charlie to be completely on board but she never expected her to call her stupid.
She didn’t think she would be this angry. She should have known better.
“I want to know.” Lennon says.
Her voice is confident. The way it usually is and it gives Beca a sense of pride. Lennon always knows what she wants, she’s logical. She’s good at making decisions for herself. Beca has to wonder if it’s because she’s always wanted to know everything; she’s always asked a million questions. She supposes there’s something to be said for never going into a situation blind.
“Okay, we can talk about it later.” Beca promises. “Anything you want to know.”
They’ve always been open about where their kids came from. Of course, once the girls got old enough to understand where babies come from, there was no secret that science, or magic as Maggie once called it, came into play.
Maggie. She hasn’t said a word. She looks sad, and maybe a little scared, and it breaks Chloe’s heart. She’s their sweetest girl. All of their daughters have kind hearts and are always willing to help anyone, but Maggie is the softest. She’s the one that needs the gentlest approach, in any situation. This situation, more than most, requires it.
“We’ve heard from these two. What do you think?”
It takes Maggie a minute to realize Beca is talking to her. She lifts her head just barely. She looks between both of her sisters before she settles for a shrug. Beca knows that’s all they’ll get out of her until they speak to her alone.
“Alright, can we set this very large topic aside, until after dinner? Can we at least agree on that?”
She’s met with a few nods and figures it’s better than nothing.
Chloe tries, desperately, to get a lighter conversation going while they eat but no one seems interested in chatting about their day. Beca helps her out and they talk about work, and a phone call Beca had with Hanna earlier, and whatever else they can think of to pass the time until everyone is finished.
“Homework time.” Beca says, sending Charlie and Lennon up to their rooms.
Maggie, dutifully, sets her stuff up on the counter and waits for Chloe to join her. They get to work, while Beca does the dishes and listens to Maggie read the directions for her math assignment. She gets tripped up on a few of the words but she doesn’t let it frustrate her. Beca remembers, not too long ago, when that would have sent her into a tailspin.
“That’s great. Good job.”
Maggie smiles and Beca can’t blame her. There are few things better in this world than Chloe’s praise and appreciation. Chloe takes the pencil from Maggie’s hand and puts it down. She puts her own hand over Maggie’s to still it and waits until their eyes meet.
“So, do you want to talk about what happened earlier?”
Maggie shrugs again, but she actually speaks this time, “I don’t know why Charlie is so mad.”
Chloe nods but Beca is the one to speak next.
“Charlie is a lot like me.”
Maggie gives her a confused look. She sees her Mama frustrated, or annoyed, quite a bit, but she doesn’t usually see her mad.
“When she gets scared, or sad, or confused, it tends to come out as anger.”
“You’re mad a lot Mama?”
It’s filled with concern, but not for herself, it’s all for Beca. Beca reaches her hand out and cradles Maggie’s in it. She rubs her thumb over her knuckles and speaks, just a little bit softer,
“I used to be. All the time. But when I got older I learned different ways to deal with it. Charlie’s still learning that part.”
“So, if she’s not actually mad, then what is she feeling?”
Beca shrugs, “It could be anything. We’ll find out when we talk to her. But what I really want to know is how you’re feeling.”
There’s a sense of hesitation before she asks,
“If I say that I don’t know, is that an okay answer?”
Chloe fights the chuckle in her throat, “Yes, baby, that’s okay.”
Maggie moves a little closer to Chloe. She keeps a firm grip on Beca’s hand, but allows Chloe to cradle her to her chest. She closes her eyes when she feels a kiss on top of her head.
“Take your time with that answer. We’ll be ready, no matter what you choose, no matter when you choose.” Chloe says, slightly muffled into her hair.
“Okay.”
“We love you.” Beca says.
“I love you, too.”
Beca catches Chloe’s eye over her head and gestures toward the stairs. Chloe gets the hint and sets Maggie up with the rest of her homework so they can go talk to their other two.
“Which should we tackle first?” Beca asks.
They both take, only a second, before they say,
“Lennon.”
Beca knocks on her bedroom door and waits for a quiet ‘come in’. Lennon is at her desk, over a large textbook. She closes it when they walk in. She turns to face them, where they’re sat on the end of her bed. She crosses her arms over her chest and keeps silent; that seems to be the trend tonight.
“How did this whole thing come up?” Beca asks.
“I mentioned it, in passing, on the way home from school and Charlie freaked out on me. She yelled about it for, like, an hour.”
Beca puts a hand up, to keep her from getting any louder. The last thing they need is another screaming match getting started.
“Okay, what made you want to know more about the donor?”
“I just…”
Lennon trails off, although they both know she knows exactly what she wants to say. She always does.
“I just am sick of feeling like I don’t have all of the parts of me. There are things that I’m never going to know and that’s, I don’t know, that’s fine, I guess. But I also just kind of wish sometimes that it wasn’t true.”
She looks up now, with glossy eyes, and blushed cheeks. When she speaks again, her voice cracks.
“And I’m so sorry, because that makes it sound like you guys aren’t enough and that’s not true either.”
“No, sweetheart, no.” Chloe says.
Lennon reaches out and Chloe takes her hand. She gives it an extra squeeze, prompting Lennon to continue.
“This is just one of the biggest things in my life and I don’t know what to do about it. All of the options feel wrong; like no matter what I choose to ask, or know, or do, someone is going to feel bad.”
“You have to do what’s right for you.” Beca starts, “And I know that’s so hard, especially for someone as kind as you, but sometimes, you get to be a bit selfish. You get to do something, or ask something, just because you want to.”
Lennon looks between them. Almost as if she’s wondering if that’s a joke.
“We’ve raised you to be sensitive to other people’s feelings. We want you to be kind and to be generous but we also, sometimes, want you to be completely selfish. It sounds weird, I know. But I’m telling you right now that it’s okay.”
“But how do you choose when to be selfish and when not to be?”
Beca seems to think this over. Chloe holds her breath as she waits for the response. She’s witnessed conversations like this before between them, but tonight, something about it makes her heart feel like it’s melting right inside of her chest. It burns.
“When something fills you up so completely, like it’s the only thing you can think about, you have dreams about it, or you get that tingly feeling in your stomach whenever it comes up, that’s a pretty good place to start. Putting yourself first isn’t always a bad thing, in fact, sometimes it’s a great thing.”
“If you want to learn more about where you come from,” Chloe starts, “then we will help you. That was never something we wanted you to doubt. And we’re sorry if we ever made you feel like you couldn’t ask us about your biological father.”
“You didn’t.”
Chloe leans in to kiss her head and presses their foreheads together, for just a minute. Their bright blue eyes mirror each other and Lennon gives a little smile.
“We love you.” Chloe whispers.
“Love you, too.”
Lennon turns back around and closes her eyes when Beca rests a gentle hand on her shoulder. She bends down to kiss her on the temple, before she leaves the room.
She sighs, heavily, and leans against the way. She stares at Charlotte’s bedroom door, like it’s about to open up and swallow her whole.
“You go in first.”
Chloe chuckles, “You’re such a baby.”
“She’s nicer to you when she’s mad.”
“Hm, well, that is actually true.”
Chloe walks over to the door and knocks twice. They aren’t surprised when they get no response. Chloe tries again and this time she hears a quiet, “Yeah?”, before she opens it. She peeks her head in and stops, as if the glare Charlie gives her has enough force behind it to freeze her in place.
“We really should stop meeting like this.”
“Mom.” Charlie groans.
She’s sitting on her bed, with a book in her lap, but she tosses it aside when they both walk into the room. Chloe climbs into the bed and wraps an arm around her shoulders. Beca takes up the spot on the foot of the bed.
“I’m not going to take back what I said.”
Leave it to Charlie to be the only one who doesn’t need any prompting. They both can tell she’s been sitting here, waiting for the chance to explain herself.
“You don’t feel bad about calling your sister dumb?” Beca asks.
“Whatever she told you, she got it wrong. I didn’t call her dumb. I said what she wanted was dumb.”
Beca tilts her head to the side and purses her lips. Charlie sighs.
“Yeah, that’s bad. I’ll say sorry.”
“Thank you.”
Chloe adjusts so she is able to see Charlie’s face, before she says,
“No one is telling you that you can’t feel a certain way about all of this, but you also need to be respectful of other people’s feelings.”
“I know.”
They’ve had this talk before. Charlie can get so blinded by her own thoughts and opinions; it’s something they’ve been working on since she could talk.
“What makes you so upset about this?” Chloe asks.
It’s a genuine question. One with so much weight. That weight shows, so clearly, on Charlie’s shoulders when she lets them slump forward.
“We’re a family.”
“Yes, we are.” Beca agrees, as she waits for further explanation.
Charlotte, for as reckless and hot-headed she can be, thinks things through. Sometimes, Beca thinks she spends too much time in her own head. She thinks in circles until, even she, doesn’t know where it starts and ends.
“It’s the five of us. That’s all we need. It doesn’t matter who this man is – he’s nothing to us.”
“He’s everything to us.”
Charlie’s head shoots up. Her expression remains stony but her eyes betray her, just a little. There’s the slightest hint of curiosity in them.
“Okay, maybe not everything, but he’s certainly not nothing. He’s the person that allowed us to have you. We don’t know his name, or where he lives, or any of that. And you’re right, that stuff doesn’t really matter, but I am always going to be grateful to him because he gave me the greatest gifts of my life, and he doesn’t expect anything back.”
Beca lets her eyes flicker over to Chloe and she gives her a little smirk. Chloe nods. She feels every single one of Beca’s words in her soul. Beca uses her index and forefinger to lift Charlie’s chin, that’s fallen once again, before she says,
“So don’t say he’s nothing. Because whether you like it or not, he’s half of you – each of you – and that is a whole lot of something to me.”
“I’m sorry, Mama.”
“Don’t be sorry. I can’t even imagine what it must be like to have all of the questions you must have. And it’s a big decision whether or not to ask those questions.”
“But if you ever decide that you want to know, mom and I are here to answer everything we can for you.”
Charlie stands up and wraps them each in a hug. Chloe holds onto her a little longer than normal, happy that Charlie is allowing it. When she straightens herself out, Beca asks,
“Where are you going?”
“I’m gonna go talk to Len. I have a few questions for her.”
“And?”
“And an apology.”
She leaves the room and Chloe turns to Beca. She has a gentle smile on her face and it makes Beca smirk. She shakes her head and says,
“Never a dull moment, huh?”
“I hate that this is something that could come between them.”
Beca nods, “I know, but they love each other and they’ll work through it.”
“This feels like such a grown up problem. And they’re still just babies.”
“I hate to say it, babe, but they’re more grown up than we’d like to admit.”
Chloe sighs and leans in when Beca kisses her head.
“And as long as we keep talking about this, now that we know this is something on their minds, then we’ll be alright.”
Chloe stares at Beca, right into her eyes and it makes Beca stop.
“What?”
“I just really loved what you said to her.”
“I meant it. This family is everything to me. And most of the time, I don’t really know what to do with the gratitude I have inside.”
“It is kind of a weird thing, isn’t it? There’s a guy out there who’s responsible for these amazing little lives and he’ll never have any idea.”
“They are amazing aren’t they?”
Laughter catches their attention. It’s all three of their girls, somewhere down the hallway. Chloe wipes a single tear away and says,
“They’re more than I ever imagined.”