Work Text:
Beomgyu-ya...
Beomgyu-ya...
Are you ok? Beomgyu?
In moments like these, in the movies, they always add a weird echoey effect to the dialogue. Of course, this is not what Beomgyu heard. It was clear. But his brain was so busy, the words might as well have been all fuzzy and echoey, just like in the movies.
He quickly stood up without a word, and left through the door, out of the practice room and into the bathrooms. He gathered some cold water from the tap into his cupped hands and splashed it on his face. The very tips of his bangs gather into wet spikes and emphasise how much he is shaking.
He grips onto the sink, looking at the white porcelain. So smooth, so clean. So bright. He turns the tap off and looks up into the mirror, brushing his half-wet hair back. His heart starts to race a little faster than it already is as the face that stares back at him in the mirror looks unsettling, uncanny. Its strange to look so deeply into his own eyes.
I guess eye contact is hard even with myself.
He stands up straight and saunters into a cubicle, aware that others could come in at any time. He doesn't actually need to use the toilet. He just wants to hide. He leans against the wall, and looks down at his fingers, jagged nails picking and jagged nails. He stays in this trance for a while until he comes out of it with a shake of his head.
"What am i doing..." He mumbles, standing up, flushing the toilet, despite not having used it at all. Just habit. Despite no one being here, he still washes his hands, out of habit. He looks down at his jagged nails. He hates when they get like this. He'll have to file them when he gets home.
He avoids the hand-dryer. Way too loud. He'll take any excuse he can get to flap his hands without it looking weird to others.
He stops in front of the practice room door, sighs out a deep breath, and walks in, quickly finding his place and joining in with the choreography.
They finish that number, and immediately all turn to Beomgyu. He looks down, suddenly uncomfortable at all their eyes on him.
"Are you ok now Beomgyu?" Soobin asks. His voice sounds soft, but Beomgyu still winces at the overwhelming feeling that he's secretly judging him.
"Yeah, I'm fine, can we just carry on and not talk about it..." He mumbles, not looking back at any of them. They all just nod, and they carry on with dance practice.
As soon as they get home, Beomgyu flops onto his bed, pulling the covers over his head. He scrolls on his phone mindlessly for a while. The others know to ignore him and let him come out in his own time.
Soobin is still getting used to it though. His leader instincts tell him to do otherwise.
Beomgyu sees the kakaotalk notification appear at the top of the screen, and rolls his eyes. Of course its Soobin. He clicks on it.
Hey gyu, I know you're resting but I just hope you're ok. That looked like a bad meltdown. If you want to talk about it, I'm here. We're all here.
Beomgyu just sighs, swiping up and exiting the app without replying. He doesn't want to talk about it.
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Autism.
It almost sounded like a dirty word to him. He hated saying it. It felt weird in his mouth. It felt dirty.
When they heard of his diagnosis, the others were hopeful it would help him to get better, understand himself better, be more kind to himself. But it was clear that wasn't going to happen. Beomgyu was ashamed.
Autism? No, surely not. Autism is for nonverbal 5-year-olds. Autism is for quiet stoic geniuses. Surely, he was not autistic.
Still, the things the doctor listed to them in that appointment just made a little too much sense.
Intense emotional outbursts over things like change in routine or environment - check.
Struggles in communicating one's thoughts and emotions, or understanding others' - check.
Sensitivity to environment, sounds, lights, smells, touch - check.
Repetitive motions and tics and twitches - check.
No matter how much Beomgyu wanted to refuse, none of them could deny, that was a perfect description of Beomgyu.
What made things worse, is this sudden bombshell of a diagnosis seemed to change Beomgyu's whole world. And, of course, change is difficult for autistics. Change is difficult to Beomgyu. All this change, it felt so... wrong. So strange. It made him feel itchy, dirty. He wanted things to go back to normal.
He didn't like the members tiptoeing around him and always asking if he was ok after meltdowns and just generally acting different. It felt like the members he once loved were suddenly strangers. He didn't like it. But this sensitivity meant even the smallest things would set him off.
Beomgyu?
Soobin again. Please, shut up. He didn't even bother opening it that time.
He sat under his blanket fort, the light from his phone switched off leaving him in the dark. His mind swirled.
Autism has ruined my life. Why did I have to be diagnosed? I'd rather have just gone my whole life not knowing. Why did they all have to change? Why did everything have to change? I don't want it to change. I don't want it to change.
Before he knew it he was crying again. That darned feeling in his chest again. So tight, about to explode. He was so, so tired. Tired of this feeling. Tired of the constant crying. The constant bad feelings. He wanted it to stop.
It wasn't often he got angry before. They'd never seen him throw things like this. They'd never seen him punch the walls like this. They'd never heard him yell like that.
He didn't like when Soobin came rushing in and pinned his arms down. He didn't like how fast he came. As if he was waiting outside his door for an explosion.
"Just let me go will you?" Beomgyu grunts, brushing Soobin's arms away. It worked though. He didn't punch the walls again.
"I'm sorry. I don't want you hurting yourself. A broken wall wouldn't be great either." Soobin said, standing back.
"Just leave me alone..." Beomgyu mumbled, slumping onto his bed again, picking at the threads of his sheets.
"I can but, I can't help but think that you being alone isn't going to help. Every time we leave you alone, this happens again. Are you sure you don't want to talk about it?"
"NO! I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT OK?" He shouts. The guilt quickly floods in after though. He scratches at his head with regret. "I..."
Beomgyu sighs, biting his tongue. He wants to get the words out, but its as if he's pulling them by the arms, while their heels dig into the floor, scratching and scraping loudly on the floor, refusing to come out.
"I..... Everything's changed."
Soobin shoulders drop. He didn't really understand. "How so? What's changed?"
"Just everything!" Beomgyu interjects. He couldn't explain it. He was scared of hurting them. "I... you've all changed...."
The weight pushed down hard on his shoulders; he wanted to get rid of it, but he knew he couldn't. Not right now anyway.
He started to rock back and forth, sniffling as he continued to fiddle with his bedsheets.
"How have we changed? I'm sorry Beomgyu, I just don't understand." Soobin sat next to him on the bed, and Beomgyu scooted away.
"It's... It's all this. It's like, since the diagnosis, I feel like you're all treating me like I'm some porcelain doll. Like you're stepping on eggshells around me. I don't like it." He changes position with a sniff, bringing his knees up and leaning on them as he picks at his nails again.
"I'm sorry... I'm sorry, I didn't realise I... We were like that now." Soobin mumbles.
"Can things just, go back to how they always were? I don't like the change."
Soobin sighs, and nods. "I'll try. Do you want me to tell the others too?"
Beomgyu nods.
"Ok. I'll, uh... leave you alone for a bit."
Beomgyu does nothing as Soobin leaves. He just continues to stare at his jagged nails, picking at each other.
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Despite their efforts to behave how they used to, Beomgyu could still sense the difference. He could sense that their behaviours were forced to make him happy, but they sure as hell didn't make him happy. He didn't want to bring it up again, though. He didn't want to confuse them. He figured this was just one of those changes he would have to get used to.
Today was supposed to be a day off for them all, waiting for the recordings for their albums to be finalised before practicing for their comeback. Still, Beomgyu got a call that he had to come in. He didn't like going in alone without the others, but it had to be done. They all often came in for different schedules, so it wasn't exactly a rare occurrence.
Once they arrived, they lead him to the recording booth. He already knew what that meant. He probably had to rerecord a few lines. He sat down with one of the producers as they spoke it through.
"We were thinking of changing the melody to this a few lines slightly. Is that ok?" Beomgyu had to ignore that dropping feeling in his stomach and nod. They played their new demo for the lines that were changed. All the lines that were changed were parts of melody that he wrote. He couldn't help but feel a little offended and embarrassed that they were now changing his melody. He didn't like the sound of the new melody at all. It wasn't nice and satisfying for his ears like the other one was. It didn't feel the same. Still, he had to smile and nod.
"Does that all sound ok? Do you think you can do it?"
Beomgyu nodded, picking at his nails again as he forced a twitching smile. "Can i just go to the bathroom first?"
"of course." The producer responds, and Beomgyu stands up in a flash, and speed-walks to the bathroom on long legs. He pushed the door open hard, making it slam against the stopper, the only thing saving the handle from smashing the wall. He storms into a stall and locks it, leaning against the wall and looking down at his nails picking at each other. He huffs, trying to ignore the noise of his mind screaming. He pushes his hair back, but a strand gets caught in his jagged nails and gets pulled, making him yelp. He sighs as he flicks the stray strand away, and stares at his torn nails. He can't stay here too long. They'll wonder where he is. He should just get this over with so he can go home.
I want to go home.
He feels the pressure building in his throat. no, no no no! I don't need this right now! He stands up straight, flapping his hands and shaking his head.
"Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry." He mumbles under his breath, until the pressure starts to ease. He leaves the stall, splashing his face with cold water, and rubbing what's left on his hands on the back of his neck. Just get this over with and go home.
He dried off his hands on his pants, and used his shirt to dry his face off. He tsk-ed at the damp patches now clearly showing on his shirt and pants. He can't wait for them to dry. He'll just have to hope they don't notice them.
He leaves the bathroom and power walks back, and heads straight into the recording booth. He feels his stomach drop again as he enters the booth. This is the booth with the uncomfortable headphones. They give him a headache. Just get this over with and go home.
He sucks it up, and puts the headphones on, and gives a thumbs up to the producers through the glass.
It takes a few attempts for him to stop singing the old melody on instinct, and eventually they finish the recording. He smiles a slightly more genuine smile, giving another thumbs up through the glass before leaving the booth. He rubs his temples on his way out while no one can see, to ease the headache caused by the headphones.
"You did great Beomgyu. We'll finish this up and then you can hear the final version tomorrow during practice."
He nods, thanking them quickly in response, before gathering his things and following his manager out to the car.
He stares out the window for a while, eyes flicking as they follow the scenery flowing by. The quick movement of his eyes doesn't help his headache, so he forces himself to look away, though he's not sure where else to look. He looks down at his nails again.
They get home, and he gives a quick thank you to the manager as he leaves, heading back into their apartment.
"what did you have to do?" Soobin asks, as he sees Beomgyu walk through the door.
"Just rerecord a few lines." He mumbles, as he kicks his shoes off. He walks straight past Soobin and Taehyun and makes his way into the bathroom.
He sighs, rubbing at his temples again as he pulls the bottle of painkillers out of the cupboard and shakes 2 out onto is hand. He hates being in pain. He swallows them down quickly with a grimace and then trudges to his room to hide under his blanket for a while.
Taehyun pouts as he watches Beomgyu push past him, and once he sees he's gone into the bathroom, he turns to Soobin. "He seems so quiet lately. Is something up with him? I'm a little worried. I don't think I've ever seen him like that."
Soobin sighs, staring at the closed bathroom door. "Everything changed when he got the diagnosis. I guess maybe he felt everything change for him too. You know how he is with change. All this change at once might be overwhelming."
"Well, I thought we were back to normal now?" Taehyun scratches his head.
"We might be, but I imagine Beomgyu very much isn't. It was quite big news to get, y'know? It'll take a while to adjust."
Soobin carefully opens the door to Beomgyu's room, squeezing in through the gap so he doesn't let too much light in. He can see a Beomgyu-shaped lump under his blanket. He seemed to hide under there a lot these days.
"... Is everything ok? just checking..."
Beomgyu peeks his head out from the blanket cautiously, relaxing when he sees Soobin has left the light off.
"Yeah, I just had a headache from the headphones. I'm ok now. Just tired."
Soobin nods. "Well, remember, we're always here to talk if you want to."
Beomgyu huffs with a smirk. "What's that supposed to mean?"
"Nothing... Its just a reminder. I don't want you to keep suffering in silence like before."
Beomgyu's smirk faded.
It was that suffering in silence that landed him in that doctors office. It was that suffering in silence that drove him to a breaking point. It was that suffering in silence that warned everyone that Beomgyu wasn't exactly normal.
Beomgyu was always a quiet, yet energetic kid. It was clear that with people he liked and was familiar with, he was happy and loud, but around those he didn't know so well, he was very quiet and shy. As a little boy he'd often hide behind his mothers leg when a stranger approached, and his usual bright eyes and beaming smile faded into a frown with wide puppy eyes. He could never quite explain his fear around new people. He wished he wasn't that way, cause it made it hard for him to make friends.
The other kids would give up after a few days of shy, wordless Beomgyu. They'd move on to another kid, because his shyness made him boring. He'll never forget the pain he felt that one day on the playground when the other kids shrugged and turned their back on him, not giving him a chance. He started to cry, but when the playground chaperone tried to ask if he was ok, he ran away.
Beomgyu was shy as it is, but when it came to affection, or talking about his own emotions, things were even worse. Even with those he was close to, he struggled to be honest about his emotions. He always wanted to, but the words felt like they got stuck in his mouth. Like they were made of tiny swords that poked into his tongue and stopped it from moving.
The question itself; "are you ok?" was enough to send him running. He avoided it at all cost. Running away was less embarrassing and painful than having to stand with stuck words.
Beomgyu was a lot different from other kids in that regard. Other kids would run crying to teachers, rambling about their problems in hopes of them being solved. Beomgyu did the opposite. He'd run away and avoid having to solve the problem, just hoping it would solve itself on its own.
It didn't take long for Beomgyu to adapt. Despite not having many friends, he was never sad to be alone. He'd crouch on the playground and happily draw on the ground with a stick, or break open all the acorns he found in the autumn. He was quite happy on his own.
This never changed. As Beomgyu grew up, he never got upset about being alone. He was perfectly happy being alone. In middle school he'd sit and eat by himself. In high school, he'd walk around the campus in circles, until the bell rang for class again.
Once he joined bighit as a trainee, it took some time to get used to being around so many people all the time. Many of them would try and talk to him, and he'd do his best to engage, but he'd still end up being the quiet one, simply watching the conversation unfold from afar.
The first time he met Yeonjun, he got that instinctive feeling that this was someone he could trust. Yeonjun never pointed out how quiet he was, and he didn't give up after a few days of few words. He still spoke to Beomgyu, engaged in conversation with him. It was clear to him that Yeonjun was a special kind of person. The type of person he'd get along with well.
The others soon joined in with them, and when they found out they'd be put in a group together, they were ecstatic. Beomgyu was so happy. These were the people he felt comfortable around. He was nervous about being grouped with the others that he wasn't as close to, and he'd end up being the quiet one at debut, given that label for years to come, never able to show his true self hiding underneath.
Since he was able to debut with these four guys he'd call soulmates, he knew he'd feel comfortable enough to show his true, playful, golden retriever-like self to the world. If he was with them, he could.
He always considered that to be his true self. It was. But that didn't mean there'd be days where he just didn't feel like he wanted to be that. Like everyone, he had days where he'd rather just chill in the back, watch the world go by. But now, his job involved being in front of a camera nearly every day. Always being watched, and he knew if he let it slip, if he showed this other side to himself, suddenly everything would be about him.
Is Beomgyu ok? He's so quiet in this episode.
Damn, something must have happened. Beomgyu is acting different.
He must be depressed. Take care Beomgyu! Moa loves you!
While he wants to appreciate their concern, it was just annoying more than anything else. Why is it the moment he's not as loud or energetic that day, suddenly there must be something very wrong. "Something must have happened" or "he must be depressed." It was annoying.
So, he knew what he had to do. From then on, no matter how he was feeling that day, he put on a front for the camera. He put on a mask. He'd force himself to be as loud and energetic as he could so he would get those comments again.
It was exhausting.
And the more exhausted he got, the more he had to mask. After a month or so of this obsessive masking, he was so exhausted. As soon as the cameras were packed away, its like a switch was flicked. All the others knew, it was obvious. He wasn't Beomgyu anymore. He was like an empty shell of the Beomgyu that he once was. It was painful to watch.
No matter how much they tried to get him to talk, or coax him to at least talk to a therapist, he refused. He never said why. He just said a firm no. It got to a point where that no wasn't even followed by "I'm fine." anymore.
This all reached a climax one night. The others couldn't bare seeing him slip away, and pressured him into talking, only for him to break into a meltdown. Arguably, that was even more hurtful for them to see. The harmful stims that they were helpless to stop. Beomgyu went completely nonverbal. Their pressuring was very counterproductive.
They'd never seen anything like it. Beomgyu isolated in his room, crying every time they tried to communicate with him. He wouldn't even look them in the eye, not once. Not even their last resort of trying to get him to type his thoughts out helped. They had to cancel schedules for a few days because they couldn't get Beomgyu out of his room.
Eventually they all decided enough was enough and called a doctor for him, who was kind enough to go to their house to see him. Even the doctor couldn't get a word out of him, but this silence made him think this was something more that just depression or anxiety. Neurotypicals don't go so completely silent like this.
This is when the term was first mentioned.
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Beomgyu sat on his bed, the notes app open. He was told to write down his thoughts instead of speaking them, since that might be easier, but he instead he just sat staring at an empty screen. He couldn't think of what to write. He had all these thoughts and feelings, so many all swirling together. He wasn't sure how to organise them into a simple note. He scratched his head and slammed a fist on his mattress out of frustration.
"I hate this I hate this I hate this I hate this I hate this"
He typed, over and over again. He only stopped when his eye lids started to quiver with the pressure of holding tears, and he had to close his eyes and wipe them away. He sniffled, trying to compose himself again, and picked up his phone again with a deep breath.
"I hate that I'm like this. I hate how I can't be honest about my thoughts and feelings"
"I hate that I'm autistic."
He dropped his phone again, hiding his face behind his knees while his hands grasped at his hair. His hair spiked up out of his fingers, like horns growing from his head. Big, ugly horns that everyone can see. People stare and point and glare at him. How dare he have these horns. But now matter how much he yanked, he couldn't pull them off.
The others could hear his sobs from outside his room. They wanted so desperately to run in there and comfort him and tell him it was ok, but at this point, they weren't sure if that was the right thing to do. Sometimes he wanted the hugs and comfort, sometimes he just wanted to be left alone. They weren't sure how to tell the difference anymore.
Kai started to pace, hands firmly over his ears. He didn't like hearing his hyung upset. Everything in his instincts said to burst in and hug him, give him a plushie and tell him its ok, but Soobin and Yeonjun had already told him several times that he shouldn't. Taehyun just sat staring into the distance with eyes wide. The sobbing soon faded into the background as his own mind swirled with worries and unwanted daydreams of horrible scenarios. Soobin and Yeonjun just did what they could to comfort each other and the younger ones.
Beomgyu rocked back and forth, hugging his knees tightly. Truth be told, he wanted the comfort. He just didn't know how to ask for it. He was frozen solid, not able to pick up his phone again to text any of them, and the only sound able to come from his mouth were the sobs and cries he could no longer control.
His cries got quieter as he got tired. Everyone else started to perk up, hoping maybe it was over, wondering if now was the right time to go into there.
Beomgyu took several shaky gasps of breath as he tried to prepare to say one word.
"h-hyung..."
Hyuka stopped pacing and stared wide eyed at Soobin and Yeonjun. "h-he said 'hyung'.."
Yeonjun and Soobin jumped up, having to stop themselves from bursting through the door, instead slowly opening it and wandering over to where he was curled in a ball on his bed. Yeonjun cautiously sat next to him, and kept his voice low.
"C-can I touch you?" Beomgyu nodded.
"Do you want a hug?" Beomgyu nodded harder, and started to sob again. Yeonjun readjusted his seat and engulfed Beomgyu in a tight, warm hug. Soobin sat the other side of him, carefully rubbing his back.
Both their hearts broke at how much Beomgyu was crying. They'd seen him cry many times, but this was so much more heart-breaking.
"Can the others come in too?" Soobin said, not far from a whisper. Beomgyu nodded, and Soobin quickly stood up and ushered them in.
Beomgyu finally uncurled from his ball, and gladly accepted a group hug from them all.
Slowly the room started to get quieter as Beomgyu's sobs and cries softened into sniffles and gasps. Soon the room became silent other than his soft, slow breathing. He was asleep. Not surprising, and the others slowly moved away, letting him get settled in bed. Soobin found Beomgyu's phone, picking it up while the others pulled the covers over Beomgyu. Beomgyu's phone opened automatically. Soobin forgot that he put his own face in the face id database of Beomgyu's phone. It opened up and he saw the notes.
He read them, and his heart broke a little more.
He sighs, and just locks his phone, placing it on his bedside table, before leaving behind the others.
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The air was tense the next morning. But they all knew Beomgyu probably wouldn't like that, so they tried their best to pretend to forget. Soobin, however, could not forget. He couldn't forget those words he saw written down on Beomgyu phone.
I hate that I'm autistic.
He was worried. He'd only really realised how hard it must be for Beomgyu to come to terms with such news. He only just realised that Beomgyu must be aware of the weight that word holds in their society. It made him hurt.
They wait patiently for Beomgyu to leave his room, but it takes a while.
They stare at him, and he sees them staring back, and rolls his eyes with a sigh. "Can we just pretend last night didn't happen, please."
They all nod, except Soobin. He doesn't want to just pretend to forget and move on. He can't let Beomgyu continue to suffer in silence.
Beomgyu just trudges off to get food and coffee. Yeonjun comes over to join him, but he's clearly hesitant. He starts picking at his nails again. He's uncomfortable.
"I know i said can we pretend it didn't happen but... I kinda just want to be alone right now. Sorry..." He mumbles, and Yeonjun sighs, but nods.
"Ok, no problem. Sorry." He wonders off back to the others, and Beomgyu sits down to sip on warm coffee and eat. He holds the warm mug in his hands and sighs as he feels the warmth travel down into his stomach. Its comforting.
Soobin watches from afar as he picks away at his nails again. He sighs. He knows Yeonjun told him that Beomgyu wanted to be alone, but he feels so viscerally uncomfortable knowing what he knows, having seen what he saw. He needs to talk to Beomgyu. Still, he should wait until a better time. He walks off with a sigh, and gets his phone out, opening Kakaotalk.
I know you don't like long soppy messages, you can ignore this for now if you want, but... I just feel like we need to talk. I saw what you had written on your phone last night. It unlocked automatically and I saw what you wrote, about how you hate how you are and that you're autistic. It broke my heart to know you feel that way. I'll do anything I can to help you feel better. We don't have to talk if you don't want to, and we don't have to do it right now or anything, but I just want you to know I'm here if you want to talk. I'm worried about you, I want to make sure you're ok. I love you, Beomgyu <3
His thumb hovers over the send button for a while, until he finally gains the strength to send it, before quickly closing the app and turning his phone off.
Beomgyu's phone was still in his room, so he didn't see the notification. Not for a while, anyway. When he did go back in his room and turn it on to see the notification, he just ignored it. He'd had enough of Soobin's constant flapping around him.
They all had a day off that day, other than Kai having to go in and rerecord a few lines. Beomgyu just stayed in his room the whole time. He didn't want to be thinking so much, but he knew he wouldn't be able to shut off. So, he spent the day on his bed, thinking. Thinking through everything in his mind. All his memories, now tainted with "oh, that was the autism". All those parts of himself, parts he used to love, that now suddenly felt bad or dirty in the context of autism. How can people even like me when I'm autistic? He thought about what fan reactions would be. Whether they'd continue to like him, or if they'd ditch him altogether. What if they all left the band, and suddenly TXT turned to nobodies? What if he ruins the careers of his closest friends? What if they then leave him, no longer his friends? What if they leave, like everyone else always does?
Or what about if the fans suddenly parade around with fake sympathy, always showering him in backhanded compliments, always pointing out his autism when he doesn't want it to be spoken about too much? What if they start pointing out and laughing at his tics and stims, calling him a child or a baby because of them? What if they start making everything about his autism when its not relevant?
He decides he never wants the fans to know. Ever.
He sits on the floor, leaning against his unmade bed, sheets still thrown aside from where he got up this morning. He stares over at his waste basket, inside there still lies the crumpled remains of the leaflet they gave him after his appointment, after being diagnosed. He sighs, rolling his eyes. He wish that day had never happened.
He falls into a trance as he continues to pick at his nails. He keeps picking, jagged edges picking at jagged edges. His brain continues to swirl. I hate my autism. I hate that i'm autistic.
He continues to pick.
I hate that I'm disabled. I hate that I can't express my feelings.
He continues to pick.
I hate my tics. I hate my stims. I hate that I can't sit still. I look weird when i flap. I look like a child.
He continues to pick.
I hate my autism. So much.
He continues to pick.
I hate myself. So much.
He picks...
His nail tears, down into the nailbed. The skin tears and starts to bleed. It stings harshly.
"...ow." He mumbles shakily. "... ow.... ow ow ow..."
His voice shakes, his whines getting louder and louder, and he starts to cry, holding his torn and bleeding thumb.
As if he has some sort of Spidey senses, Soobin goes to Beomgyu's room, and he can hear his whines from outside. He pokes his head around the door. "Are you ok?"
He can see Beomgyu's thumb is red and he can see the drops of blood coming from his nail. He quickly jogs over.
"a-ah... i-it hurts..." Beomgyu whimpers. Soobin's heart breaks a little. Beomgyu has a high pain tolerance most of the time. This doesn't look like some huge injury, but he's crying over it. That's how you know somethings really up with Beomgyu.
His motherly instincts kick in, and he gently brushes Beomgyu's hair back. "ssh, its ok. Come with me."
He slowly coaxes Beomgyu to stand up, and he walks with him to the bathroom. He sits him down on a closed toilet lid while he finds a cloth, wetting it in the sink and wringing it out, before balling it up and gently taking Beomgyu's thumb. Beomgyu looks up at him with sparkly eyes, and back down at his thumb. He jolts away a little as Soobin gently dabs his thumb.
"hyung, it stings..." He whines softly, but Soobin just tuts softly, looking at the torn nail.
"aioo..." He softly mumbles, as he dabs his thumb a few more times, before searching through their cupboard for a cream. He squirts a tiny blob on his finger and gently dabs it onto the torn nail. Beomgyu whimpers a little, but doesn't complain much more, as a bandaid is stuck onto his thumb.
"There, all better." Soobin says, throwing the wrapper in the bin, and then he sits on the edge of the bathtub, gently holding Beomgyu's hands. They stay silent for a few moments.
"We don't have to talk right now if you don't want to but, I just-... I care about you, Beomgyu. I can tell you're struggling, and I want to help however I can. All of us do. If you tell exactly how you're feeling, maybe we can help."
Beomgyu sniffles, and shakes his head with a slight chuckle. "You really don't get it. I would if I could but... It's just not that easy for me. Its not that I don't trust you or the others, I do. No matter who it is, I just... I can't talk about myself. That's how its always been."
Soobin sighs, looking down at Beomgyu's jagged nails in his hands. "You're right. We don't get it. We just... want to try. Ok?"
They sit silently, aside from Beomgyu's sniffling, for a while.
"I uh... I saw on your phone. Last night, I picked up your phone and it unlocked, and I saw what you'd written, in your notes. It just.... It got me worried. That's all. You don't really feel like that, right?"
Beomgyu chuckles again, pulling his hands from soobins grasp.
"You really don't get it, do you? You don't get it at all."
Soobin sighs.
"You think I enjoy struggling to talk all the time? You think I enjoy keeping my feelings inside? You think I like all my tics and the weird stuff I do? I don't. I just want to be normal. But I can't. And now I have this stupid label of autism, just telling everyone that I'm weird. That I'm different. That I'm some stupid, incapable guy with the mental capacity of a 4 year old. That's what they all think when they think of autism. And now I'm lumped into that. I don't want to be that. I hate that I'm that. I wish I could just be normal. I wish life could be back to normal, where I wasn't a horrible, disgusting autistic who everyone either treats like a child or a china doll, or like I'm some disgusting piece of human waste. I hate it! I just want to be normal! I don't want to lose my friends again, I don't want to lose our fans, I don't want to ruin your career, the others' career... I just shouldn't have been born in the first place."
Soobin stares stunned, a lump building in his throat.
"I know its hard. I also hate how society sees autism. But I don't see it like that at all. I think Its great because it's what makes you you. You wouldn't be Beomgyu without it. Just because you're different doesn't mean you're bad, or stupid. I think you're quite the opposite. You're one of the smartest people I've ever met, Beomgyu. And if it weren't for your autism, you wouldn't be here. If you'd never gained a special interest in music, you wouldn't be here. I would never have met you. You're so talented, Beomgyu, and you are living proof that autistic people aren't all "stupid" or young kids. I'm not saying you need to be open about it, but, if you were, can you imagine how many people's eyes would be opened to what autism really is? How many other autistic people out there will see you and feel represented, and heard? You see the world a little differently than us, your brain works a little differently than ours, but that's ok! I think its beautiful. I know you may not see it but... I really think its beautiful. You are beautiful, and amazing, and talented, and smart... and you are worth it. So please, don't feel like you're bad, or dirty, because you're autistic. Prove the world wrong."
Beomgyu looks down at the bandaid on his thumb, and chuckles. "Damn it..."
"... you're right."
He starts to pick at his nails again, subconsciously, and Soobin stands up. He grabs a nail file from the cupboard, and gently takes his hand again. He files down all the sharp points and cracks, on all of Beomgyu's nails, except his injured thumb, until they're smooth again. Beomgyu smiles.
"Thanks, hyung."
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Beomgyu tore the bandaid off, looking at his nail. It still wasn't fully healed. It wouldn't be, until it grew out. But it had healed and grown out enough that now, Beomgyu could file it back down. He files down all the sharp points and bumps. There's still a bump where it tore, but that's ok. He kind of likes the bump. He's found its nice to run his fingers over. He doesn't pick at it anymore.
He stares at his nail, the white line where the crack is. The bump. He likes it. It looks cool.
"You ready to go?" Yeonjun shouts.
"Just coming!" Beomgyu responds, throwing the nail file back in the cupboard, and catching up with the others as they leave out the door.
When they arrive at the bighit building, Beomgyu eagerly waits outside the meeting room for the meeting he'd been waiting for for days now.
He's called in, and he sits around the table, along with various managers and staff. Together they discuss...
If Beomgyu should open up about his autism.
Beomgyu knew what to expect. He knew they'd be hesitant, telling him its not a good idea, but he stood his ground, and he came prepared. He talked in detail about how he wanted to show the world how diverse autistic people really can be, and how its not a bad things. How its a beautiful thing.
It took a few attempts, but eventually, they were convinced, and they agreed.
They wrote up a quick announcement, with the help of Beomgyu, and it was released at the turn of the next hour. Beomgyu waited nervously. He wasn't sure if it would be a good idea to look at the comments, or on social media in general. He decided not to look too far, but he scanned a few comments, until he found one. A longer one. He read it.
I'm actually crying right now. I don't know if beomgyu will see this but if he does - thank you thank you sooooo much for being open about this. It means so much to me as an autistic person to know that one of my favourite idols is also autistic, and is being open about it. I'm so so happy that he can show the world who autistics really can be. That we're not all just young boys. We're adults, we're musicians, we're writers, we're doctors, we're lawyers. We are talented. I really hope people see this announcement, and don't start hating on beomgyu for it or treating him like a child. He doesn't deserve it. I will be supporting him all the way.
Thank you so much, beomgyu.
He chuckles a little as tears start brewing in his eyes. There really are others out there.
At the turn of the next hour, he turns on Vlive. He just acts like himself. Smiling, giggling.
"Hello everyone!"