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Aziraphale looked up at the dark castle and swallowed visibly. It wasn't ugly pre se, but all the gargoyles and such, made it quite intimidating, nothing like the soft white towers of home. A flurry of servants exited the castle, one helped him down from the carriage while the rest unloaded his trunk and various baggage. The servants were quick and efficient, and Aziraphale soon found himself alone, standing in an empty front foyer.
“Um, hello?”
“Hello, dearie” said a middle aged woman who seemed to appear out of nowhere, Aziraphale jumped “I'm sorry I'm late to greet you, but we've been all at six and sevens trying to get everything ready in time.”
“Oh, it's quite alright.”
“I'm Madame Tracy, housekeeper and head of household staff.”
“It's nice to make your acquaintance, I'm Aziraphale.”
“I know, we've been expecting you, we've all been quite excited for your arrival. Now, look at me chattering away, you must be exhausted after your journey, let me show you to your rooms.” Tracy lead Aziraphale up a grand staircase, and down a long hall before opening a set of doors. Inside was a cozy sitting room, with a settee and a set of chairs sitting in front of a fireplace, on the far wall was a desk and chair sitting in front of a bank of windows that overlooked the gardens. To the left was a door that lead into a bedroom, it had a large bed, piled high with pillows. There was a wardrobe for his clothes, and a set of glass doors that led out onto an intimate balcony, prefect for enjoying a morning cocoa. On the opposite wall was another door, a solid wood one, Aziraphale tried the handle, but it was locked.
“It's quite lovely,” Aziraphale proclaimed.
“It's all been recently redone, new furniture brought in, the walls painted. We were told light blue was your favourite colour.” Aziraphale wondered who had told them that, most likely one of his siblings had passed that tidbit along during the negotiations.
“Well, I'll leave you to it then. I'll send up a dinner tray shortly. Oh, by the way” said Tracy “I assume you read the instructions that were sent to you?”
“Yes, I did, but I'm afraid there was one part I didn't understand, it said that Lord Anthony will only meet with me in complete darkness, surely that is incorrect.”
“No, it's not, that is the way his lordship wishes it,” said Tracy sadly.
“But why? Is there some reason he doesn't want to see me face to face?”
“I'm sorry dear, but it's not my place to say” she said before exiting the room, closing the doors behind her.
Aziraphale sat down on the settee. He wasn't sure what to do with himself. He never expected to be in this situation, he thought he was too old for adventure, past the point of marriage.
Months ago Aziraphale's family had signed a trade agreement with the mysterious, but wealthy, Lord Anthony, and as was tradition with such things, a marriage alliance needed to be formed to seal the deal. There was only one problem, all of Aziraphale's siblings had long been married, and their children were either too young, mere infants, or the older ones already had betrothal agreements with other prominent families. Gabriel and Michael had been beside themselves, until their eyes had landed upon Aziraphale.
Aziraphale had never been married. His father had died when he very young, before such an agreement could be brokered, and after his death, his mother showed no interest in arranging one. Aziraphale thought that his mother had wanted to keep the youngest of her ten children close to her, not to say she wouldn't have been happy for him if he had met someone he could love, it just never happened for him. He had built a life he rather enjoyed, being the bachelor uncle, collecting his rare books, caring for his mother. Even after her death, he had been left mostly to his own devices, well before this whole mess.
He could have refused, he did in fact at first, but his siblings rightly pointed out that all of them had done their duty and married for the benefit of the family. It seemed rather unfair that he be exempt from that. So, the papers were drawn up, and the deal pushed through. There hadn't even been a ceremony, the wedding had been conducted by proxy, and Lord Anthony had signed at one end, and Aziraphale at the other. It had all seemed rather cold and impersonal, thought Aziraphale, and now he had the added problem of not being able to see his husband's face. It was all rather overwhelming, and Aziraphale wished he was at home, in his comfy chair, in his little library, reading his favourite book.
That night Aziraphale blew out all the candles, then drew the heavy curtains across the windows and balcony door. Then he sat down on the edge of the bed. Aziraphale wrung his hands over and over. He wasn't sure how long he should wait, he kept glancing over in the direction of where the main doors would be. A few moments later he heard a soft click, but it didn't come from the hallway door, but from the door in Aziraphale's bedroom wall, that had been locked earlier in the day. The door creaked and Aziraphale sensed someone step inside. A pair of eyes shone in the darkness, they reflected what tiny bit of light was in the room. Human eyes didn't do that, only animals did. Aziraphale felt himself start to shake all over.
“W-who's there?” he called out.
“Um, hi, it's me, your, um, bridegroom.”
“Lord Anthony?” Lord Anthony hissed at that.
“Just call me Crowley.”
“Crowley?”
“Yeah, Lord Anthony is like my formal name, it's not what I call myself.”
“Alright. Can I open the curtains now?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“It's just better if you don't.”
“Better for whom? Me or you?”
“Both.”
“That's not much of an answer.”
“Look, you agreed to the stipulations when this agreement was made.”
“I did, but I had thought that some explanation would be forthcoming.”
“Well, there's not.”
“That's hardly fair.”
“I know.”
A long tense silence stretched between them. Aziraphale didn't know what to make of this situation, Crowley clearly sounded like an ordinary man, but there were those strange eyes to consider. Crowley let out a long sigh.
“I'm sorry, this isn't exactly how I wanted this to go,” said Crowley. Now Aziraphale felt like a heel.
“I'm sorry too. It's just... I'm alone and afraid, so I lashed out at you.”
“I never want you to be frightened, angel.”
“Angel?”
“Oh um, that just kind of slipped out. Your sister, Michael, she sent me your portrait, a miniature, and I thought you looked very angelic.”
“Well, I'm afraid the artist may have taken a great deal of creative license. You may have want to be disappointed.”
“I'm not, disappointed that is.”
“Oh.” After another long moment of silence.
“Look, you must be exhausted, we'll try this again tomorrow night, okay?”
“Alright. Good night, Crowley.”
“Good night, Aziraphale.” Then Aziraphale heard the door click shut.
The next night Aziraphale went through the same ritual, he snuffed out all the candles, and shut all the curtains. A few minutes later the door in the wall opened.
“Hello,” said Aziraphale.
“Um, hi,” Crowley replied, then there was an awkward moment of silence.
“Oh dear, you shouldn't have to just stand there. Let me,” Aziraphale shifted up the bed, sitting with his back against the headboard “there now, there's plenty of room.” Aziraphale felt the mattress shift as Crowley sat down on the end of it. He hadn't bumped against the bed, or seemed to need any help finding it, Aziraphale wondered if Crowley just knew this room that well, or if he could see better in the dark than Aziraphale did.
“So, um, what did you do today?” asked Crowley.
“Not a great deal, I spent most of the day unpacking.”
“The servants could have done that.”
“Oh, I'm sure they could have. It's just, I'm quite particular about my things, especially my books.”
“Books? Did you bring quite a few?”
“”Oh yes, the large trunk is about 3/4 full with books. I would have filled it entirely, but Gabriel insisted that I had to leave some room for my formal clothes.”
“So this is like a hobby of yours?”
“Yes, I have amassed quite a collection of rare books... or I had. It was terribly hard deciding what to bring with me.”
“Oh, I'm sorry, I had no idea. We, um, could send for the rest of your books.”
“Really?”
“Of course, angel. I want you to be happy.”
“Thank you.” Aziraphale said warmly “Although, you may come to regret that when this place is overrun with books.”
Crowley chuckled “I doubt that. Why don't you tell me about some of your rarest finds.” So Aziraphale spent the rest of the evening telling Crowley about acquiring his special treasures, until he was yawning every few words.
“Oh dear, I'm sorry.”
“I think it's time for bed,”said Crowley. Aziraphale wanted to keep talking, but he knew Crowley was right.
“Goodnight, Crowley.”
“Goodnight, Aziraphale.”
The next morning two servants, followed by Madame Tracy, delivered a large cabinet to his rooms.
“What's this?” asked Aziraphale.
“His lordship thought you might need it for your books” said Tracy. Aziraphale opened the cabinet doors, finding six shelves, just deep enough to hold books.
“It's prefect, thank you.”
“He also wanted me to show you something, if you have the time now.”
“Of course.” Aziraphale followed Tracy to another part of the castle. They came to a large set of double door, Tracy pushed the doors open, and Aziraphale gasped. It was a cavernous room, with the walls covered floor to ceiling in bookshelves. Aziraphale had never seen so many books in one place before. It made his personal library from back home look miniature in comparison.
“Oh my, I... I've never seen such a library.”
“He thought you might like it.”
“Like it? It's amazing.” He's amazing, thought Aziraphale.
That night Aziraphale excitedly closed the curtains.
“Hello,” Crowley said a few minutes later.
“Oh Crowley, the library.”
“I thought you might enjoy it.”
“Enjoy it? It's beyond anything I could have imagined, more books than I could possibly read in my lifetime. It's wonderful.”
“I wish I could take credit for it, but besides some star charts and folios of plants, it was all my mother's doing.”
“She was a collector?”
“Not in same way you are, oh she enjoyed reading, but years ago she had heard that every great family has a library, so she became determined that ours would be the best. She hired some scholars to help fill it with essential books, it took years. One of the scholars, Azhir, still visits on occasion to check on the collection.”
“I would love to meet him.”
“As you should, he can help explain the ins and outs, and the organizational system. Which you are going to need to know, because it's now yours.”
“Mine?”
“It's my gift to you, Aziraphale”
“Oh my, I couldn't accept it, it's your mother's legacy.”
“She would be happy to know that it is in the hands of someone who appreciates it.”
“Thank you, I promise to take care of it, and treasure it always.”
“I know you will, angel, I know you will.”
The next evening they were chatting when Aziraphale remembered something.
“Crowley, yesterday you mentioned folios of plants, is that a special interest of yours?”
“You could say, I designed most of the castle's gardens.”
“Really? I haven't had much chance to explore them yet, but, from what I've seen, they're beautiful.”
“Yes, well, they're always a work in progress.”
“I wish you could give me a tour.”
“Oh, um...”
Aziraphale wanted to ask him again why Crowley hid himself in the dark, but he didn't want to ruin this tentative thing between them.
The next afternoon Tracy came to find him in his sitting room.
“His lordship has asked me to show you the circle garden.” Aziraphale followed Tracy out onto the castle grounds, when they came to a garden enclosed by a curved hedge Tracy gave him a piece pf paper.
“He told me to give you that when we got here.” Aziraphale unfolded the paper.
Once you enter the garden, to your left you will see a rosebush, the flowers are a peach colour with the tips of the petals tinted pink, this is a Sunset Rose. They are supposedly incredibly finicky to grow, but I've had no problems with this one, it knows better than that...
Aziraphale felt his eyes tear up, Crowley had found a way to give him a tour of the garden.
Over the next few weeks Aziraphale settled into his new life. He explored the library and the castle grounds, and met most of the the servants, he was trying to memorize all their names, there was ever so many of them. Tracy and him had developed a bit of a friendly relationship, and she often joined him for a cup of tea in the afternoons. Every evening Crowley and him would have long discussions, talking about everything from art to philosophy, to the mundane details of their days. It was all rather idyllic, but Aziraphale wanted more.
One night Aziraphale was fighting sleep.
“I'd better go, angel, you need your rest.”
“Can't you stay?”
“What?”
“Can't you stay? The bed is plenty big enough for two, you can sleep here with me.”
“I can't, angel.”
“Why not?”
“Um... I tell you what, I'll stay til you fall asleep.”
“Alright.” It wasn't what Aziraphale truly wanted, but it was something. Aziraphale crawled under the covers.
“Goodnight, Crowley.”
“Goodnight, Aziraphale.”
The next morning, when Aziraphale awoke, Crowley was gone. However, every night there after Crowley would stay with Aziraphale until slumber overtook him.
After 2 1/2 months the rest of Aziraphale's books finally arrived, he greeted them like old friends. He began sorting through them, to check their condition, when he found an old fairy tale. Crowley might enjoy this one, he thought, and decided to set it aside to share with him.
“I heard your books arrived today, everything in order?” asked Crowley that evening.
“Yes, very. Actually, I picked out one that I thought you might like to read. It's a about a girl small enough to fit inside a tulip blossom. I have left it on the nightstand to take with you if you like.”
“Oh, um, I appreciate the thought, Aziraphale, it's just I rarely read for pleasure. It's my eyes, you see.”
“Your eyes?”
“Yeah, reading is difficult, they tire easily, and if I read for too long I start to get headaches. So, I have to save my reading for essential stuff, like trade agreements, and treaties, and such.” Essential things like writing detailed descriptions of his gardens for Aziraphale.
“Oh my dear, I had no idea. I wish...”
“What?”
“I wish I could read it to you.”
“I do too, angel.”
A few days later Tracy came to him.
“His lordship requests that at 2:00 this afternoon you sit out on your balcony, and that you bring your book about the little girl in the flower.”
That afternoon Aziraphale settled on a balcony chair and wondered what would happen.
“Hello, angel” said Crowley.
“Crowley? How...?”
“I'm on the other side of the hedge.” To Aziraphale's left, on top of the balcony's half wall was a large flower box that contained a thick hedge.
“Did you not realized there was also a balcony attached to the room next to yours?” asked Crowley.
“I guess I never thought about it, that was foolish of me.” It was odd hearing Crowley's voice in the daylight, there was something strangely intimate about it, more so than their late night rendezvouses.
“Aren't you going to read me your story, angel?”
“Oh yes, yes of course.” Aziraphale stumbled a bit in the beginning, but he soon found the rhythm. He could hear Crowley chuckle on occasion, and he would interject a comment or two. It was lovely, and yet there was this barrier between them. Aziraphale tried to see through the hedge, but it was too thick. He wanted to tear it down with his bare hands.
“Please Crowley” he whispered brokenly, some of his desperation must have been evident in his voice.
“Angel? What is it?”
“Please, Crowley, let me come into the next room and see you.”
“No,” he responded.
“Crowley-”
“No, Aziraphale” he said more sternly. Aziraphale could hear Crowley getting up and moving away.
“Crowley, please don't go,” he begged, but his only response was the shutting of the balcony door.
That night Aziraphale laid curled up on bed, when he heard the soft click of the door and sensed Crowley enter.
“I didn't think you'd be coming tonight,” said Aziraphale.
“I, um, wanted to apologize about earlier.”
“Crowley, please help me understand, maybe if you explain it to me it will make this easier to bear.”
“I... I can't. It's not my intention to be cruel.”
“That may not be your intention, but it is sometimes the result.”
“Aziraphale-”
“I can't do this, not tonight.”
“But-”
“I need to be alone, please leave.” A moment later he heard the door click shut, and Aziraphale wrapped the blankets more tightly around himself..
The next night there was a knock at the door.
“May I come in?” Crowley had never asked that before.
“You may.”
“I wasn't so sure of my welcome, after last night.”
“I was hurt, and I just needed some time.”
“I never want to hurt you, Aziraphale.”
“I know, Crowley. I hope you understand that I just want to be close to you, and this barrier between us... we've been married nearly three months, and yet we've never even touched-” Aziraphale felt a gentle touch on the back of his hand, and then it was enveloped in the warmth of another. It shouldn't be so significant, but it was everything. They sat in silence for a long while, lost in the wonder of being able to hold each other's hands.
“Aziraphale, may I kiss you?”
“Crowley, what I said, I'm not trying to push you.”
“It's not that, not really, I've been thinking about it for a long time. I just couldn't figure out how to ask you.”
“Then yes, I would like that very much.” A moment later he felt the press of lips against his own, It was sweet and tender, it was prefect. As the kiss deepened, Aziraphale moved his hand up Crowley's arm to his shoulder where he discovered Crowley's hair. All this time he had been picturing Crowley with short hair, but he in fact had long luscious locks. Aziraphale stroked his hair, and Crowley let out a small moan. Aziraphale ran his fingers through Crowley's hair, then caressed the back of his neck. The skin felt different there, smooth and dry, almost segmented. Crowley pulled away.
“Crowley? Are you alright?”
“Yeah, it's just...”
“Overwhelming?” Aziraphale knew that wasn't the real reason, but he didn't want to ruin the moment.
“Yeah. Wait, your proud of that, aren't you?”
“If it's prideful to know that my husband enjoys my kisses so much that he becomes overwhelmed, well then I guess I rather am.”
“Smug bastard,” declared Crowley. Aziraphale laughed, before Crowley smothered it with another kiss.
Over the next few weeks, every night before bed, Crowley and Aziraphale would exchange kisses. Aziraphale was very careful to never touch Crowley's neck again, instead touching his shoulders, arms or hands. They never went beyond kissing, but Aziraphale had hope.
One day, out of the blue, another trunk arrived from home. Aziraphale was sorting through it when Tracy entered his bedroom.
“Oh Tracy, it looks like this is mostly my winter clothing, I'll have no need for these right now, and no extra room in the wardrobe. We'll have to find somewhere to store them, perhaps in the room next door.”
“Oh no, dearie, I'm sure we can find somewhere to store them, but it can't be the room next door, that's his lordship's suite.”
“Really?” Aziraphale looked at the bedroom wall, all this time Crowley had been so close, sleeping just on the other side. He had a strange feeling, like he wanted to touch it.
Tracy cleared her throat “I also came to tell you that we have a visitor, Mr Azhir is here.”
“Mr Azhir? Oh yes, the scholar and librarian, I'll be down forthwith.”
Aziraphale entered the library, and saw an elderly man examining some books.
“Mr Azhir?”
“Yes?”
“I'm Aziraphale, Crowl- I mean Lord Anthony's husband.” Azhir's eyes widened in surprise.
“It's an honour to meet you Lord Aziraphale. My, my, I had no idea, if I had know congratulations were in order I would have brought a gift.”
“But, it does look like you brought something.”
“Oh well, it is a couple books I thought Lord Anthony might like for his library.” Aziraphale opened one of the books on the table.
“They're beautifully illustrated, they're star charts, correct?”
“Yes, a collection of astronomical drawings, and stories about how the stars received their names.”
“I'm sure Crowley will love it.”
“Then is is my wedding present to you.”
“Oh, there is no need for that.”
“I insist, besides it is tradition to shower a newly married couple in gifts.”
“Thank you, very much. Crowley mentioned that the next time you visited that I should get you to explain the library's organization system.'
“Of course, it is so nice to see someone taking an interest.”
Aziraphale and Azhir spent the rest of the afternoon in the library, then enjoyed a long, leisurely meal afterwards. When dinner was finished Azhir leaned back in his chair.
“I must admit something, Lord Aziraphale, I brought that astronomy book on purpose. I remembered how much Lord Anthony enjoyed astronomy when he was young, and I thought it might lure him out.”
“Lure him out?”
“Of his self imposed exile.”
“Oh, so he never meets with you during your visits?”
“Not in a very long time.”
“But, you knew him as a child.”
“Yes.” This was the first person Aziraphale had met that knew of Crowley's past. Aziraphale knew Tracy had been with Crowley's family for a long time, but she was strict about preserving Crowley's privacy.
“What was Crowley like, as a boy?”
“Well, I was of a closer acquaintance with his mother, Lady Lilith, but there were many times I interacted with the young lord. As a boy he was enthusiastic, curious, he would often follow me around the library asking questions. When he was older, he was a little bit spoiled, rebellious, but still a good person at heart.”
“Do you know why things changed?”
“No, I don't. I only know that things changed between one visit and the next. He went from being a suave young man trying to find his place in the world, to a complete recluse, withdrawn from society. I know it upset his mother greatly, but she would not tell me exactly what had occurred to cause such a drastic change.
"Since her death, it was my understanding that he only sees a few key members of his senior staff, and his land steward. His situation has played upon my mind in recent years, I was worried about what would happen to him. That is why I was so pleased to meet you today. He is no longer alone, and perhaps, because he now has someone who loves him, he will be able to open up a little bit to the world again.” Aziraphale blushed at the thought of being in love with Crowley.
“You're thinking too much of me, you may be disappointed.”
“I don't think so, my lord, no, I don't think so at all.”
Azhir left the next morning, Aziraphale saw him off. Afterwards, Aziraphale wandered the gardens thinking about what Azhir had said the night before. Was he in love with Crowley? Is this what falling in love felt like? Aziraphale had no idea, he had nothing to compare it with. He'd read many stories and poems about love, but they often talked about beauty and love at first sight. That just didn't apply to Crowley and him.
Crowley was obviously keeping himself hidden for a reason. What if he was hideously ugly? But that wouldn't matter to him, he would still be the same Crowley that laughed at his witty remarks, who gave him an entire library just because he liked books. But, what if he was something much worse, like a beast or a demon? That shouldn't matter, should it? Was it possible to fall in love with someone you've never seen? If he could see Crowley once, just once, he could be happy, and his fears would be laid to rest.
“You alright, m'lord?” Without realizing it Aziraphale had strayed out of the gardens and into a more utilitarian section of the castle grounds.
“Yes, quite alright. I'm afraid I just wasn't paying attention, Mr...”
“Shadwell.”
“Shadwell, that's right. What are you doing Mr Shadwell?” Shadwell was surrounded by overstuffed boxes and pails.
“Just clearing out the old garden shed, trying to decide what's worth keeping.” Aziraphale noticed something sticking up out of one of the boxes.
“Would it be alright if I took this piece of wire?” asked Aziraphale.
“Help yourself, laddie.” Aziraphale grabbed the wire, and placed it in his jacket pocket, trying not to think too much about it after that.
That night Crowley and him talked as normal, they kissed, then Crowley sat beside him as he fell asleep, but Aziraphale was only pretending. As soon as Crowley left Aziraphale sat up, he waited there for two hours, debating with himself the whole time about whether to go through with this or not. Finally he grabbed the candlestick off his nightstand, lighting it, then made his way over to the wooden door, kneeling in front of it. He pulled the piece of wire out of his pyjama pocket and inserted it into the keyhole.
Aziraphale's mother had a small cabinet she kept her jewellery in, the lock would often stick, and the key had long been lost, but she refused to get a new one, because it had been a wedding present from his father. So, Aziraphale had to learn some lock-picking skills to ensue that his mother was always properly adorned, and happy.
Aziraphale spent several long minutes at his task until he heard a soft click that proclaimed his success. He picked up his candle, and opened the door as slowly as possible, trying to avoid it making the tell tale creak. He slipped inside. The room was dark, but in the candlelight he could make out the shape of a large four poster bed. Aziraphale crept forward, the light falling upon the bed's lone occupant
Aziraphale held in the gasp that wished to escape. He was beautiful. Crowley had long, lean features that were relaxed in slumber. His long russet waves trailing behind him on the pillow. Aziraphale couldn't get enough of looking at him. Why did he hide himself away?
Suddenly Crowley's eyes fluttered open. Aziraphale froze. His eyes were a golden colour with black slited pupils like a snake. It seemed to take Crowley's brain a moment to catch up with what he was seeing. His eyes widened, and then he was scrambling out the of bed away from Aziraphale.
“No, no, no,” Crowley moaned.
“Crowley, it's alright.”
“Get out.”
“Please, Crowley-”
“Get, get out, get out!” Crowley yelled.
“I'm sorry, please-”
Crowley let out an inhumane scream “Get out!” Then he grabbed a figurine, that had been on his nightstand, and threw it against the wall, smashing it to pieces. Aziraphale fled.
Once he was back in his room, Aziraphale slammed the door shut behind him. Then he collapsed to floor, sobbing.
How long Aziraphale cried he didn't know, but eventually he crawled into bed, and fell into an exhausted sleep. He woke up very late in the morning, his head aching. He got up and slowly went through his morning routine of washing and dressing, but the entire time he kept glancing at the wooden door. He hoped to see it open, for Crowley to come through, but it remained firmly shut. Aziraphale could open it, but he wouldn't invade Crowley's privacy again, last night had been an unmitigated disaster.
Aziraphale needed to apologize to Crowley, beg his forgiveness, but he didn't think he could wait until tonight. A note, maybe? That might be just the thing. Aziraphale went to his desk, pulling out a scrap of note paper. He tried to pour as much of his feelings of regret as he could in the short missive. Then he rang for Tracy, she appeared moments later.
“Tracy, could you please see that this is delivered to Crowley personally.”
“I wish I could dear, but his lordship's gone. He left early this morning.” The entire time Aziraphale had been here Crowley had never left the castle to his knowledge.
“Gone? Where did he go?”
“I don't know, dear. His lordship was up before dawn, yelling for Mr Shadwell, and demanding that the carriage be brought around. We were all ever so surprised, probably no more so than those old, lazy carriage horses. When I asked where he was going, his lordship wouldn't say, he just said he would send word when he had arrived at his destination. Do you know the reason behind this, Aziraphale?”
Aziraphale shook his head, he didn't have the heart to explain. He went over to the settee, sitting with his head in his hands. He had ruined everything.
Three weeks past. Everyday Aziraphale wrote letters to Crowley, where he tried to explain, and express his feelings for Crowley. None of them seemed quite right, but he was determined to craft the prefect letter, so it could be mailed out as soon as they received word. However, Aziraphale soon realized word would not be coming. There was no way Crowley had been travelling non-stop for three straight weeks, and yet he sent no message home to Aziraphale, or Tracy.
Being alone in the castle was painful, everywhere he looked he was reminded of Crowley, his gardens, his mother's library, and most especially Aziraphale's own bedroom was tainted with the ghost of him. Aziraphale thought he might go mad with it. The next day Aziraphale found Tracy in the front foyer arranging flowers.
“Tracy, does the castle only have one carriage?”
“His lordship took the large carriage, but we also have a gig that's big enough for a driver and one passenger.”
“Very good, inform the stables that I will be needing the gig as a soon as possible. I'll go up and pack a bag while it's made ready.”
“Aziraphale, may I ask, where are you going?”
“Home, I'm going home.”
Aziraphale's family was very surprised at Aziraphale's sudden arrival. He told them that he was homesick and decided to come for a visit. He wasn't sure that they completely bought that story, but he was thankful that they didn't pursue it.
Time passed, some days were agonizingly slow, while others moved painfully fast. While Aziraphale tried to settle into a facsimile of his former life.
One morning Aziraphale was in the morning room when Michael entered. She sat across from him, picture prefect posture, as always.
“Aziraphale, why are you here?”
“I don't take your meaning?” He did, but he feigned ignorance.
“Aziraphale, we know something's wrong. You haven't been yourself since you arrived. Gabriel wanted to interrogate you immediately, but I convinced him otherwise. I told him to give you time, and eventually we'd have answers, but you've been here long enough that summer has turned to autumn, and yet you still persist with the falsehood that this is a simple family visit.”
“Is it so wrong that a man wishes to visit his family?”
“No, but it is strange that a newly married person comes for such long visit without their husband in tow, and has received no letters from that husband the entire time he's been here.”
Aziraphale hadn't realized that his siblings were even that aware of him, or his activities. Michael and him were not close, but she did tend to be the more practical of his older siblings, and wasn't intentionally cruel like Gabriel could be. Perhaps Aziraphale could confide in her, he couldn't tell her everything of course, but he desperately needed someone to talk to.
“Something did happen. Lord Anthony asked me not to do something, but I did it anyways, violating his privacy. Then we had a terrible row, there was yelling and screaming, and things were thrown,” Michael lifted an eyebrow at that “then the next morning he up and left, with no word to me, and I have no idea where's he's gone.”
“Is the marriage over then?”
“I don't know.”
“Do you want it to be?” Aziraphale blinked back tears.
“No.” Michael seemed to consider everything for a moment.
“Aziraphale, there is one thing that is certain, you won't find answers here. You need to track down Lord Anthony.”
“But, what if I find him, and he does wish to end our marriage?”
“Then you come home, permanently.”
“Truly?”
“Truly.”
A couple of days later, Aziraphale was in his room packing for his journey. Michael was going to accompany him, they had decided the best course of action was to backtrack to Crowley's castle and spread out their search from there. Aziraphale heard the door open behind him, and assumed it was his sister.
“Michael, have you seen that book I bought the other day in the village? I wanted to pack it in my valise.”
“You haven't changed much, have you Aziraphale?”
“Crowley” Aziraphale gasped, spinning around. Crowley stood in the doorway. He was wearing a fine black suit, his hands were encased in leather gloves, and a black scarf was wrapped snugly around his neck covering him to his chin. Dark tinted glasses covered his eyes. Aziraphale could feel Crowley making an equal assessment of him. Aziraphale wished he looked better, he was wearing a loose white shirt and trousers, comfortable for packing.
“Aziraphale, may we talk?”
“Oh yes, of course.” Crowley closed the door behind him. Aziraphale removed scattered items from the settee, the only place to sit in the room other than the bed. Once they were seated Aziraphale wanted to touch Crowley, to reassure himself that this was real, but he didn't think that would be appreciated.
“I wanted to apologize for my behaviour,” said Crowley.
“I'm sorry too, I-”
“Aziraphale, I have to tell you something, a story that very few people know, but if I don't do it right away I'll lose my nerve.” Aziraphale became silent.
“When I was a young man I was arrogant and foolish. One day a group of beleaguered travellers came to a local village. They had these strange blue markings on their hands or necks. Some of the villagers recognized the symbols as the markings of a local water spirit, meaning they had cursed them. Many of the villagers tried to warn me against them, an old retainer of mine begged me to just give them a bag of coins and let them go on their way, but among them was this girl I quite fancied, so I invited them to stay at the castle.
"They stayed for three weeks, where I followed the girl around like a moon sick calf. I was quite besotted with her, I thought we were in love. Then one day the water spirit appeared, demanding to know who dared to shelter their enemies. I stepped forward, between the girl and the spirit, and said some such nonsense about them being under my protection and that they would never need to wander again. The spirit noticed how protective I was of the girl, then they laughed, a horrible, terrifying laugh. Then they said some strange words, and I felt this strange feeling come over me. I could feel myself changing. I turned to the girl who screamed in terror. The spirit laughed one last time then disappeared. I tried talking to the girl, telling her it was still me, but she would only cry and draw away in fear. I knew then that no one would ever be able to love me.”
“Oh, Crowley” said Aziraphale, tears streaming down his face.
“The travellers left, and I withdrew into the castle. I vowed never to subject myself onto anyone unnecessarily again, but two years ago my mother died, and I've been terribly lonely ever since. So, when your brother Gabriel suggested a marriage alliance, even though it was selfish of me, I jumped at the chance. I told myself that if I could just prevent you from seeing me that I could be happy, that we could be happy together, but hiding the truth from you was a mistake.”
Crowley started pealing the gloves off his hands, putting them aside. His nails were long and black, but otherwise quite human looking. He unwound the scarf from around his neck, he lifted his hair to show Aziraphale a trail of black scales that went down his neck.
“They go all the way down my spine, and down the back of my legs to my feet, and there are a few other scattered patches on body, Oh, also” Crowley opened his mouth wide, a set of long narrow fangs extended, then retracted back into his mouth. Lastly, he reached for his glasses, but he hesitated. Aziraphale reached over and removed the glasses from his face, revealing his beautiful golden eyes with the narrow pupils. Aziraphale hadn't look away, not even for a moment, he didn't want to be anything like the girl from Crowley's past.
“You know what I think about the story you told me? I think it's the story of a kind young man.”
“Stop.”
“No, it's a story of a young man who wanted to help a young lady he cared about, and her family, and he was unjustly punished for that. I'm so sorry, Crowley, that your first love was so painful for you.”
“She wasn't, my first love that is, you are.”
“Oh Crowley, I love you too.
“You do?”
“Yes, I was falling in love with you at the castle, but I was so torn. I knew there was something different about you-”
“You did?”
“Yes, that first night we met your eyes flashed in the dark, and I could feel the difference when I touched your neck the first time we kissed. I told myself that if I could see you once, just once, I would never ask for anything again. You were so beautiful, but then... I ruined everything,” Aziraphale cried. Crowley pulled him into his arms, letting him cry on his shoulders.
“Angel, my lovely angel, you didn't ruin anything. I was the one that had a screaming fit and ran away.” Aziraphale pulled back.
“Crowley, why did you run? Where did you go? Where have you been this whole time?”
“I was scared, afraid that I was going to lose you, so I ran away, which I know doesn't make a lot of sense. I went to a cabin in the mountains that my family owned. I hadn't been there since I was a boy, and the place had fallen into disrepair. I threw myself into fixing it, as a distraction, but still I thought about you constantly. I tried to write you letters, but none of them seemed to come out right, and I couldn't bring myself to send them.”
“I know the difficulty, I tried to write you letters, as well.”
“I know, I read them.”
“How?”
“I returned home last week. We finished the repairs on the cabin, and Shadwell turns to me and says “Well laddie, you have no more excuses not to return home”, I foolishly thought you'd still be there. When you weren't, I was beside myself, until I found your letters. They were lovely, and they gave me hope. I knew I had to find you, and it looks like I found you just in time” he said looking at the half packed bags.
“Oh, I was going to search for you. I'm afraid I was rather depressed for a time, but then I realized I had to find you. I needed to know if there was a chance for us.”
“More than a chance, Aziraphale, you're the only one for me.” Aziraphale felt the tears trail down his cheeks again, Crowley wiped them away.
“Angel, may I kiss you?”
“Yes, please.” Crowley kissed him, and it was deeper, stronger, more passionate than any other kiss they'd ever shared. It was what Aziraphale had been dreaming of.
“Angel, please come home with me.”
“Yes, lets go to our home.”
Crowley and Aziraphale returned home, and adjusted to a life where they could be free with each other. Over time Aziraphale encouraged Crowley to share his story with others whom he trusted. Once he was ready, one of the the first people he told was Azhir, who was saddened to hear it, but delighted to be able to talk to Crowley again. Slowly, over time, they built a life in the world together. It wasn't always easy, but it was joyous, and it was kind, and they were happy.