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Near the silently unsteady breaths and remains, a faint beeping sound marked a decreasing distance towards the unknown. Nothing in the ship worked anymore. They had been navigating through space for far too long, longer than any human could have ever planned for, and there came a point where they had to surrender to the universe's will. Floating purposeless, trapped in a white tin can of dread, all they could do was hold each other and hope for the best, that it would be painless, or that suddenly aliens were real and friendly. Like that, a crew of seven reduced to two, with a series of permanent neural damage unavailable to assess in extraterrestrial hostility. After the second loss, everyone stopped talking about it, and they gave their goodbyes in silence.
There was nothing silent about this one, though.
Sat on the ground of a disorganized fight deck, trash and metal pieces from failed reconstruction attempts scattered all around them, Yoohyeon held Bora tight around her arms. A big black dot was just there , waiting for them whenever they decided to take a glimpse of where the ship headed to. It pulled, pulled steady, light dust particles gas metal colors dreams and life, all the same, and neither of them truly knew why they tried to hide how terrified they were.
Yoohyeon felt the cold of the metal wall against her shoulders, and how Bora's hair and cheeks and tears felt against her skin, and she wondered if she would ever remember. She wondered if, after the End, she would remember the warmth from Bora’s head on the crook of her neck, indelibly soothing fears of loneliness that even herself misunderstood.
She never took it for granted, this closeness. She always thought what they had was special, and she made sure to be present for all their mundane sensibilities. Cherished them, as often as she could, for the fear of emptiness tainted everything she ever did. Perhaps that implied that looking straight into nothingness meant so much more than losing the ability to blink. The other side of home, losing what Bora and her had built over decades, it stung. Loss, loss, loss. It suddenly felt so much more palpable, and the fact that this exact moment would be their last made her feel like the greediest human alive. To just be, with Bora, like this… she did not know what she would be willing to give for permission to keep her memories, only if existence had already scurried out of reach. Weighed down by the unrelenting pressure of bereavement, her rickety mind held onto the last thread of company, tautly, avariciously afraid.
Bora held Yoohyeon tight around her arms, too, circling the latter’s waist as she wept. They both sat on the ground, against the wall, face to face with the big black dot that pulled too fast. But never too far away. Bora's head never left Yoohyeon's shoulder, offended at the possibility of imminent separation. Not too far away; they would always be close, she wanted to make sure. Whatever happened, Bora would not allow any kind of disconnection, not until she would not be able to help it. Not like she allowed herself to wander off, back on Earth, whenever her emotions got the best of her and the only thing she cared about was protecting Yoohyeon from her own extremes. Sometimes she could be too much, too intense, feelings too volatile regardless of source, and it made her feel like a burden for those looking for quiet solace in a loud world. They cost her, though, her inhibitions. Over the years, letting herself go got easier with Yoohyeon by her side, with how enabling and welcoming she was. Still…
"Bora." Yoohyeon called.
"Yes?" Bora held Yoohyeon's waist a tiny bit tighter.
"Imagine dying with some jazz in the background."
Corners of a mouth upturned, a reminder in the midst of fear; Bora loved this woman so much. It reminded her of all the evenings they spent in that one borderline studio flat they rented for a chapter of their lives, before they could afford to live by themselves while studying in a foreign country.
(While Bora cooked, Yoohyeon usually put on a ‘coffee shop jazz’ playlist she found on a streaming service and brought her book over to the kitchen island so they could spend time together in parallel. Other times, Yoohyeon manually searched for some jazz favorites of hers so she could serenade her friend as some sort of ‘payment’ for the incomparable quality food she would receive, as she used to say. Naturally, Bora liked to concentrate on everything she did, but sometimes she liked to let her laser focus unclench so she wouldn’t miss the raw spectacle her best friend put up, all with a pencil in hand and the sincerest expression of selflessness rippling from her silly moves. She always did things for her because she wanted to, just because she wanted to take care of her while expecting nothing in return, but Yoohyeon always made sure she repaid the favor in one way or another. It was nice, endearing, and the symbol of doom for a woman so disciplined against the mere thought of potentially ruining a friendship because she couldn’t stop thinking about the possibility of keeping this dynamic going on forever… under a different label… and, perhaps, with other stuff in the mix. Maybe.)
Bora let her memories simmer, and spoke. "Should've brought my bluetooth speaker. It would’ve fit." She let out a breath she did not even know she held.
"Do you think it'd be peaceful?" Asked Yoohyeon, deflective.
Peace.
Bora did not respond, but instead let go of Yoohyeon and distanced herself enough to be able to look at her. She smiled sweetly, eyes soft and attentive, hands stubbornly connected to the faintest feeling of trust.
It was enough. Yoohyeon almost forgot she actively tried to hide her horror when she found herself under the other woman's gaze, their fingertips gently brushing against each other. The only black dots she cared about now were Bora's pupils, those that looked into hers with so much love and pulled her in stronger than ever. Like always, one look was enough to recollect her splitting mind. She smiled back, chose to ignore her disjunctive breaths, and hesitated a little before speaking her mind. "You're jazz."
Huh. Bora's eyes welled up before she let out a dragged laugh. "What?"
"Yeah!" She watched amused as her friend wiped away her tears between cackles. It did not last long before her own tears took a peek.
After a few seconds, Bora stole a quick glance at the flight deck's windows and her fingers instinctively wrapped around her friend's. The beeping sound seemed louder, faster, time warped by an impetuous reminder that it was okay to be reckless when every breath marked a chronological fraction. She looked at their hands for a moment and inhaled intently, years of ignored impulses jolting electric; "would you mind it if we kissed right now?"
She looked up, and there she was. A shocked, wide eyed, mouth slightly agape Yoohyeon in all her glory.
Shit. "Oh, we don’t need-"
The taller one rushed to interrupt her. "I wouldn't… be opposed to it…?"
In a rush, hippocampal oscillations between what has been and what could all gathered in a film that lasted merely a millisecond. It flashed, the young shimmer of backburner excitement etched in the shape of familiarity, as the fluorescence of their past floated around them in unapologetic chiaroscuro. As they leaned in, their eyes never left each other’s, both painfully concentrated in detecting the slightest change in composure, but also negotiating their own disbelief. When their lips touched, they could not stop rogue smiles from briefly interrupting their moment. It was all so sweet (until Bora decided to grab Yoohyeon’s neck to deepen the kiss and let herself feel Truth for the first time in a while, but Yoohyeon didn’t dislike any of it. She loved it —just in case her soft noises of joy weren’t enough to attest—. They both let themselves go this time, for the first time, after a lifetime of unresolved tension. Too unresolved, it seemed. At some point, Yoohyeon even forgot to breathe.)
Once they separated, they opened their eyes to admire each other in appreciative silence, until Yoohyeon spoke; "Does this mean you like me?"
"You're silly!" Bora hit Yoohyeon’s shoulder (maybe a little too hard).
"Ow! I'm serious!"
"Of course… I've liked you ever since you disagreed with me about spaceship wings in that one class…"
(That was years ago, around the time they met. It was one of Yoohyeon's first courses as an astrophysics undergraduate student, but this fact didn't deter her from causing trouble on purpose. Bora hated —loved— how the younger woman always jumped in on any debate they had, that time in particular regarding spacecraft construction and fuselage. "Feathered wings, bad", Yoohyeon said while holding back laughter, and Bora took it personally . They disagreed badly, but respectfully, and it definitely surely didn't make Bora wish it was monday every day, or make her unable to stop glancing at the door every now and then whenever Yoohyeon was late to class. All the contrasting points intrigued her and made her want to get Yoohyeon to speak more and more. It energized her. It pushed her to think more, be better, and work harder. All the years of their friendship filled with mental stimulation in every angle, electricity overflowing in and out of the study hall. Physics didn’t stand a chance against them.
Bora thought Yoohyeon was so absurd sometimes, and it surely was a feature that made the latter so endearing to her. Not everyone could perform reductio ad absurdum as well as Yoohyeon, and not everyone could look so wrong on purpose while being so right. That was her. So, Bora occasionally told her that she genuinely thought she was the smartest woman she ever knew, which Yoohyeon always denied for some damned reason. However, teasing her was some kind of life force, too.)
"And I was right." Yoohyeon stated, proudly.
"Surprisingly. You were."
"Hey!"
Yoohyeon exclaimed with mocked offense, but a violent rattle of the ship cut their banter short. A couple of asteroids crashed against the hull, leaving a tangible reminder that they had less time by the second. They both reached out for each other in an instant, grabbed edges of clothes or hands or anything (anything that wasn't… spiraling down).
"I need to know before I go." Bora turned serious. "I'm a good kisser, am I right?"
Yoohyeon pursed her lips. "No."
Bora scoffed and brought her hand to her chest. "You're lying!" She crooked her index finger, motioning Yoohyeon to lean in, and they kissed again. "How about now?" She said in an overly seductive tone.
Yoohyeon tried to hold her laughter so her denial seemed more genuine. She shook her head, "nah."
Another rattle, two or three more hits and the hull would surely collapse. Yoohyeon's smile faded before she stole another kiss, and another, and another… Lost in a bubble of clarity and shared panic, they drew each other in at a pace that seemed infinite. Sometimes Bora would break the kiss and cup Yoohyeon’s face, and stare at her until a shaky laugh released a scramble of adoration, incredulity, nostalgia, and deep, deep regret. Too many years had passed with her wanting to do this, (too many close calls, like the one in Yoohyeon’s doctorate graduation, where Bora shouted away all her pride from the sidelines —quite possibly embarrassing her best friend, but she didn’t care. She needed everyone to hear that the smartest woman alive had just gotten her degree!—.
After the ceremony ended, both of them ran towards each other and Yoohyeon almost fell backwards when Bora collided with her into a hug. “I’m so proud of you,” Bora muttered while her hands caressed Yoohyeon’s back. Of course, she knew her friend could do it, but to see her with the striped sleeve gown… no words to describe. Bora brought one hand to Yoohyeon’s head so she could pet it in appreciation, as if the action would condense all her feelings. It made total sense in her head, until she knocked off her friend’s cap. She laughed and quickly squatted to grab it, and then carefully put it back on. Gently, her hands mindlessly slid down until her thumbs caressed Yoohyeon’s cheeks.
It felt ordinary, they were used to expressing affection like this, but a quick glance down at her friend’s lips made Bora uncharacteristically aware of their proximity. Her breathing hitched, and a flock of possibilities spun her mind into overdrive. A little bit closer and all the excitement in the air would consume into a single action that would change the trajectory of their relationship forever, possibly. But Yoohyeon responded to her with a goofy grin and an awkward laugh, which immediately made her dismiss all her thoughts and try to find pockets for her friendly hands as soon as possible. She laughed too, towards the ground. This wasn’t the first time a close call like this happened, and it definitely wasn’t the first time Bora felt indescribable tension from wanting to kiss Yoohyeon, but the strong emotions from the memory made it one of the most memorable.
They spent many years together afterwards, and nothing changed. Even at their peak of post-graduate interaction, when they both ended up working together and training to be part of the first astronaut crew to ever experience interstellar travel, Bora held it all in. She decided it was better to admire her from afar, from the sidelines, cheer her on and support her earnestly without crossing any lines. One of her crewmates couldn’t believe she was determined to go all the way to Andromeda while sharing a bunk with the woman she was in love with and swearing she wouldn’t reveal anything. And even then, simultaneously, Bora cursed at herself for never saying anything about it. She always did.)
Sometimes, between the ship’s aggressive rattles and their tender kisses, Yoohyeon would notice a certain look on Bora’s face. A look she remembers seeing many times, but never made sense of until now. Bora looked up at her, eyebrows slightly pinched, eyes marbled with drops of hope and longing. It was so clear to her now, so unabashed that it made her want to cry.
(Back then, when Yoohyeon got her first job in her chosen field, Bora made it a forced tradition to go experience things together at least once a week to make up for the lost hangouts victim to conflicting schedules. Things like city nightlife, bike rides, anything really. They did it for a while until responsibilities unfortunately killed the habit, but Yoohyeon vividly remembers a specific date, when they fled a potential crime scene and ended up taking a walk on the nearest pier. The crime scene with Yoohyeon as casualty, that is, given that her friends Handong and Gahyeon had acquired sensitive pieces of information and decided it would be the best idea to give her a little push. She doesn’t know who told them she maybe had been toying with the idea of asking Bora out, but she did know both wanted to see the world burn. It didn’t help that Bora acted extra flirty that day. Normally, she wouldn’t mind some grinding on the dancefloor, they did it for fun. But, that day, with extra flirty Bora as prelude, and Handong and Gahyeon making fun of her all the way from the bar stools… disastrous.
So Yoohyeon insisted they should get out of there, in haste, and they did. Then, they found themselves leaning against the rails of a pier, condensation from their cold hibiscus juice cups giving them a touch of the unfurled sea tides before them. The wind and the smell of oceanic salt blew in tandem, and the breeze hit their faces before they could think about the unsaid. Present in every sense, Yoohyeon finally turned her head towards Bora and considered. She reveled in the opportunity of looking at her like this, at the candid visage of contemplation with bloom of the genuine. It brought her peace, to be able to see this side of Bora too, the calm, the soft spoken, one with a gaze lost in the answers of nature. Every side, honestly, the similar and the strikingly different, it revitalized her.
Yoohyeon thought about how she missed her those days, lately, every day, and eagerly traded the sight of moonlit seafoam for a glimpse of the meaning of love. She gaped at Bora, then thoughts and fears swarmed her mind. Deep down, in between her admiration, the fear of losing her nudged at her soul. She felt like them continuing to grow up, growing into their careers, also meant growing apart. This feeling became stronger recently, given that their jobs stole them from each other on a regular basis.
It seemed like Bora sensed her worry, though, since she abruptly said “You’re not getting rid of me”. Yoohyeon laughed and stirred her drink with her straw, and responded with a quiet “I hope so”. When she looked up from the juice, she saw that look. That look on Bora’s eyes, yearning hidden under a playful front that fooled Yoohyeon then. And even if she got fooled, she still felt a strong urge to just tell her everything, risk it all because it felt worse to keep it in after all this time of deep longing. But she didn’t. She laughed it off. Maybe if she had perceived that plea in Bora’s eyes, she would’ve.)
"I wish I had told you sooner." Now Yoohyeon was the one resting her head on Bora's shoulder, while the latter caressed her hair.
"Yeah, me too." Bora looked upwards, towards memories and considerations, and smiled out of sadness.
"We have such great timing."
"Like that one time when we were roommates and brought women over at the same time…"
"And they ended up leaving together! That had to be foreshadowing…"
"I thought you said you were going to Siyeon's house that weekend."
"She ditched me to work on her music. That dumbass." Yoohyeon laughed, but a sob and a few tears slipped in between. "She was definitely seeing Yubin again." She tried to keep her smile longer, but she could not hold back her sorrow anymore. "I miss them."
Bora held Yoohyeon as she cried. They both cried.
"Bora."
"Yes, Yoohyeon?"
"I really wish we got some jazz playing right now."
Bora snorted before breaking into a grin. She embraced Yoohyeon tight, tighter, and pressed her cheek against the latter's head.
"...I'm scared." Yoohyeon’s voice was surprisingly stable. She said it as if it were junior year again, as if they were in their twenties again and they just got back from an intense session at the library and were sharing chai near the edges of their beds. But sharing so much more than beverages; sharing their space and time, after all the easy and hard days, the disappointments, losses, and victories. It felt so right back then, so mundane, and, for a moment, it felt like that now. For a moment, being in each others' arms brought them back to a time of peace that lingered between the lines. Vaguely loving.
(Yoohyeon never felt it was necessary to tell Bora she loved her. It was a truth so ingrained in their interaction, be it that they were fighting or laughing or anything else, that she never considered actually saying it. Maybe it was because the words were so heavy, or because time passed by so fast and she never found the right time to say it. Ironic, some might say. All they had was time. They met as undergraduates, became friends, lived together, grieved together, basically got their degrees hand in hand, celebrated both of their accepted astronaut applications, did ocean floor training at the same time, exchanged looks and smiles as they heard Houston’s countdown in their ears and the rocket launchers ignite, welcomed zero gravity with a hug, shared thoughts under interstellar starlight… gave goodbyes and cried… all they had was time. It’s ridiculous that after a whole life spent side by side, Yoohyeon never told her she loved her. It was one of the truest things in her life, something that never changed alongside the sharp turns circumstances took.
Deep inside, Yoohyeon hoped Bora knew. Of course, that didn't include the fact that she liked her romantically. That was another issue. In fact, she doesn’t even know when it all started. It just happened. She couldn’t pinpoint an exact moment where she said, wow… I really really like her a lot. A kiss would be nice lol. But, the fact that she loved her as a human being, as a friend, as a partner in life above all things, that all came first. That, she knew very well. Maybe it was meant to progress, maybe that transition was natural. Organic. Maybe the kind of love she had for her was meant to flourish like this. She wondered why she waited so long…)
A quick glance at the big black dot pushed her out of idleness.
"I love you."
Bora sniffed, pulled away and kissed Yoohyeon's cheek with unimaginable tenderness. "I love you too." Her voice broke in between words, but she repeated herself nonetheless, "I love you so much more than I can handle."
Then, Yoohyeon felt like what humans had decided the word resolution meant. They felt themselves press between the wall and the force of increasing velocity, now reaching the brim of the dot's event horizon. Both felt it faster when the beeping sound in the ship's controls went slower, slower, slower. She embraced Bora, Bora embraced her back, the two interlaced in a hug that seemed to get tighter and tighter forever. Experimental, stressful, a duo freestyle of artistry entwined with a sprinkle of math and a touch of soul, carefree and light, away and pretty near. Sliding down, falling in. Peace. It felt like jazz.
It exploded with color, sound, and an endless ripple of waves shot out as proof of their existence. A cataclysmic event took place with only them as audience, a singular in a plural of pressure, gravity, conscience, and the unraveling of language cell by cell, one and many intergalactic tides for those capable of understanding them. In this warp of space and time, they held each other like they always wanted to. Holding on.
(They spent all their life holding onto each other, like this, in many ways.)
And then, in the face of anticipated emptiness;. Just love:.