Archive of Our Own

“Yeah, it’s fine, just tell her to head to Special Victim’s, one of us will be here.  Okay, thanks, you too.  Bye.”

Rollins ended the call, turned to face her monitor, and sighed audibly.

Velasco looked up and chuckled from his desk across from her.

“That bad?”

She smiled, in spite of herself.  

“Just one of our vics flip-flopping back and forth over testifying.  She remembered something so she wants to talk to me again.  There’s just been no movement on any of my cases lately so it feels like I’m on this hamster wheel this past week and-”

Rollins’s impromptu monologue was interrupted by her personal cell ringing, but it was a preset tone and not one she had chosen herself.  She frowned as she reached across her desk for it.

“Sorry,” she mumbled to Velasco, who shrugged and turned back to his own work as she answered the call.

“Hello?” 

“H-hello, Amanda?”

“Serafina? Yes, it’s me, is everything okay?”

“No, Amanda, it’s not,” Serafina replied tearfully.  “I’ve been trying to call Sonny’s cell but I think he’s in court.  I left a message with his boss.”

Amanda felt her heart drop suddenly.  Where was Sonny right now?

“You’re scaring me a little, what’s-”

“It’s my husband, it’s Dominick.  He’s had a heart attack.”

“Oh my God,” Rollins exclaimed, suddenly forgetting she was at work.  Velasco sat fully back up in his chair from his previous lounging position, staring at Rollins questioningly.

Rollins continued the call.

“Is he okay?”

Serafina’s voice broke on the other end of Rollins’s cell.  

“No, Amanda, he’s dead.”

***

Rollins reached Carisi’s office in record time, but when she peaked in through the blinds, it was empty.  She looked at her phone: 11:15am.  They would break for lunch by noon no matter what; he might even be finished early.  

“Detective?”

Rollins turned at the sound of her rank to find Vanessa Hadid standing a few feet away from her, dressed in a navy blue skirt and a blush coloured blouse.  She gave Rollins a sympathetic look.

“I take it you already heard?”  She didn’t wait for an answer before continuing.  “Mrs. Carisi said she would try to call you when I told her the judge would break for lunch soon anyway.”

I’m going to be the one to have to tell him.

“Please tell Sonny I am so sorry for his loss and he is finished for the rest of the day.  I will send him one of our forms to take a leave by email but no rush, I’ll consider him off.”

“Thank you,” Rollins answered.

“Are you okay?”  Hadid asked.

Rollins paused.  Truthfully, she wasn’t sure.

“I didn’t really know him,” she began.  “We uh- we didn’t get a chance to meet in person.”

Hadid began walking past Rollins and produced a set of keys from her pocket.

“Here, I’ll let you in.”  She unlocked Carisi’s office door and flicked the lights on.  

“Can I get you anything?”  Hadid began, but they were both interrupted by the Staten Island accent looming from behind them.

“Amanda?  What’s goin’ on?”

Rollins felt the chill of her blood pressure dropping, along with her heart rate.  She couldn’t do this, but she knew she had to.  She couldn’t just leave it up to Hadid, and she knew she couldn’t live with herself if she had to make an already heartbroken Serafina tell her son that his father was forever gone from this earth.

“I’ll leave you two alone,” Hadid said quietly.  “I’m sorry, Sonny,” she added as she quickly exited the room.

“What-what is she talkin’ bout, ‘Manda?” Carisi asked worriedly.  His neuroticism was kicking in; that heightened panicky expression that Rollins found adorable during their old bantering as partners was now just causing her to feel even worse.  She tried in vain to blink back tears, but he saw them.

“Hey, ‘Manda, what’s goin’ on?  I don’t-”

“Sonny, you need to sit down.”  Rollins swallowed the lump in her throat but she knew she wasn’t going to last much longer.

Carisi stared at Rollins in confusion for a long moment and plunked himself in his swivel chair without once taking his eyes off of her face.  Rollins looked behind her and found the spare grey upholstered aluminum chair next to the door.  She pulled it over and sat down opposite Carisi.

“Look,” she said, leaning over and taking both of his hands in hers.  “Your mother called me this morning.  She left a message for Hadid first.  Sonny, it’s your father.  He had a heart attack this morning.  Your mother started CPR but it was too late.  He died.”

Carisi suddenly sat up straight, letting go of Rollins’s hands in the process.  She rested them on her own knees instead.  He winced and then looked away, huffing out a breath of air, almost as if he were about to laugh at what Rollins had just said.

“I…” Carisi began, only to trail off as the first shocked tears started to fall.

“Sonny, I am so sorry!”  Rollins spat out, as her own eyes spilled over.  She watched, helplessly and completely shattered as Dominick Carisi Jr. completely fell apart in front of her.

“Dammit!” Carisi choked out as his shoulders started shaking in tandem with his tears.  “I miss him already!”  

He doubled over, sobbing, and Rollins joined him in his grief.  They sat only inches apart, her knees opposite and between his.  He leaned forward into the shelter of her arms and on instinct, she tucked his head under her chin.  They sat, Rollins embracing him with his head ducking further against her body, where he finally came to rest sandwiched between the crook of her left arm and her chest.

Rollins didn’t dare to move.  Her own grief at seeing the only man she had ever loved rendered devastated was all-consuming.  She held still, torn between wanting to be strong enough to provide Carisi with comfort and to give in to grieving for him- with him.  She felt his tears running down her shirt, in the space underneath her throat, trailing between her breasts as he hid his face in the curtain of her hair.

Rollins had no idea how long they sat like that.  It was likely minutes, but it felt like an eternity.  She had no idea what to say to him; she knew none of her words would suffice anyhow.

Ultimately, it was Carisi’s inaudible mumbling against her blouse that brought her back to her senses.

“What?”

He sat up fully, breaking free from her embrace, and Rollins had to stifle a shiver at the sudden lack of contact.     

“My sisters.  Teresa, especially.  They were close.  I mean he and I were, bein’ that I got his name-”

It was when he spoke the second part of his sentence that he sucked in a sharp breath and Rollins saw a second wave of grief flash over Carisi’s face as it contorted again.  His eyes glistened with fresh tears, and Rollins knew she had to get them both out of his office and back home.

“I know, it’s okay, here, we need to leave, okay?”  She gently pulled him up by his hand and led him towards the door.

“Do you need to bring anything with you?  Take a moment.”  Rollins looked around to make sure Carisi wouldn't leave anything behind.  She watched him slowly gather up his briefcase and disconnect his laptop.  Once he was situated with both, she gripped his elbow and guided him out of his office.  

Rollins walked quickly, half-leading Carisi out of the courthouse and towards the parkade across the street.  She felt his body shake and she hoped he would at least wait until they were alone to break down again.  

“Here, I’ll drive,” Rollins offered, reaching out for his keys as he wordlessly handed them over.  They got into his SUV without another word, and Rollins slowly navigated her way out of the parkade.  As they approached the meter, Carisi handed her his swipe card and Rollins scanned it, waiting for the arm to lift.

“He’s at Mercy,”  Rollins stated, trying to keep her emotions in check.  “Your mother is already there.  I’m not sure who else.”

Carisi didn’t answer, and the rest of the drive to the hospital was filled with silence.  Once they found parking, Rollins turned off the ignition and sighed, looking over at Carisi.  He was staring straight ahead out of the windshield, his eyes puffy and red-rimmed.  She put her right gently on top of his left and tried to keep her voice from trembling. 

“Sonny, I’ll be with you the entire time.  It’s time for you to say goodbye.”

***

All four of the Carisi women were sitting in chairs in the smaller waiting area near the nurse’s station on the second floor, steps away from Dominick Sr.’s hospital room.  Serafina noticed her son first.

“Sonny,” she cried, bolting from her chair directly into her only son’s arms as she sobbed full-force.  “Oh God, baby, I am so sorry!”

Carisi’s body spasmed with the all-familiar grief that his father was gone.  He managed to choke back another sob as he tried to be the man of the family for his mother now, but he felt as if he were suddenly playing a strange game of dressup in his own skin; the confident, late-thirties attorney masked a scared, skinny little boy who needed dad to swoop in and save the day.

And now that will never happen again.

Behind them, his three sisters sat in their respective, plastic hospital chairs, huddled closely together, lost in their own tears.

Carisi broke from his mother’s embrace and turned towards his sisters.  Teresa was the worst off; she was sobbing quietly into Gina’s shoulder as Gina stared silently at the floor, her own tears falling.  No sooner had Carisi turned in their direction than Bella practically lunged at him, falling apart in his arms as he bear hugged his youngest sister.  Carisi knew he needed to comfort her but he had no words.

The only man left in the Carisi family and I’m already failing.

Once he temporarily got a hold of his emotions, he allowed his eyes to flicker open just enough to pinpoint Rollins.  She was offering Serafina a cup of water, but she was politely declining through her tears.  She looked uncomfortable and helpless but he also knew she wasn’t leaving unless one of them told her to.

“I need to see him now.”  Carisi surprised himself by how deadset he sounded.  He didn’t even remember consciously forming the thought.  But he was the last one to reach the hospital and they couldn’t just sit here all day waiting on him.  He had to say goodbye.

But how?

“Okay,” Serafina responded through her tears.  “It’s just the first room on the right here.  Just…um, just take your time, Sonny.”

Carisi nodded, still cognizant of the lump in his throat, and headed towards his father’s hospital room.  He felt everyone’s eyes on him and his feet felt like they were suddenly made of lead.  It seemed to be taking him far too long to reach a room little more than thirty metres away.

When he got there, he paused at the door, crossed himself, and entered.

His mother had told him that before they had children, the elder Dominick Carisi had more of a carefree “spunk” to him.  It had faded over time- had been fine-tuned and relegated to fun family and social events, born from the necessity of raising four children.  It was not the man that the younger Carisi knew, except in short bursts.  His father was loving, but stern- very debonair as he aged.  It was where Carisi thought he inherited his studious nature and focus from.  Sometimes, when Rollins poked fun at his neuroses, he mused that it was likely from being his father’s son, but now?  Now he couldn’t work out who he was without the comparison.

As Carisi approached his father’s bed, he looked as though he were in a deep sleep.  His grey-white hair was kept short and smoothed at the sides.  It framed a rounded but set jaw.  His eyes were deeper-set in his age and- had they been open- were a brooding dark brown.  Carisi may have had his mother’s colouring, but he had his father’s build- lithe, yet strong.  He used to think his father was the strongest man in the world.  It made him proud to have the same name.  Now it was just him- the only Dominick Carisi left in the world.  He couldn’t even call himself ‘Sonny’ anymore, not really.

“Dad, I-” he began, and then the fresh wave of sobbing came on full force.  His father’s chest didn’t rise and fall.  His eyes would never open again.  In all his years around dead bodies and all of his police training warning him of the pain of losing a partner, nothing prepared him for the loss of a parent.  He felt literal physical pain under his breast bone as his tears fell and he struggled to control his breathing.  He had to say goodbye.  He had to do this or he would forever regret it.

I don’t have the words.    

***

Rollins waited for the cashier to ring through the two teas.  Truthfully, she didn’t really want one, but Carisi had been through a shock and she wanted him to drink something sweet.  In any event, she needed to do something.  

“Amanda?”  Rollins turned to find Mia, standing in the middle of the cafeteria, in jeans and an unzipped green hoodie over a black v-neck t-shirt, her backpack hanging low and loose from her right shoulder. 

“Mia, hey,” she called back, turning to quickly pay the cashier and taking the cardboard coffee tray.  She headed in Mia’s direction and gave her a one-armed hug while the two balanced their respective items.

“I got the text after my developmental psych exam.  I had to have my phone off, but I got here as quick as I could,” Mia explained breathlessly.  Her eyes were swollen and puffy, just like everyone else’s.  “I can’t believe Nonno is gone,” she whispered.

“Hey, come on,” Rollins said gently, resting her hand on Mia’s back to guide her out of the cafeteria.  “I’m so sorry, Mia.  I wish there was something I could do.”

The two made it to the elevators and rode in silence back to the second floor.  Teresa greeted them as they rounded the corner.  “Mia, there you are!”  She cried, rushing over to her daughter to hug her.  “Dad’s here now, why don’t you go and find him.”  

“Yeah, sure.”  Mia quickly took off for the waiting room, leaving Teresa and Rollins alone.

“Amanda…I need you to check on Sonny.  We can hear him crying but as soon as one of us gets close to the doorway, he keeps telling us he needs to be left alone.  He’s never wanted us to see him upset…it’s the whole ‘only brother, protector thing’ I guess…maybe if you tried…”

“Yeah, uh, sure,” Rollins answered.  She was completely overwhelmed.  She had never met Carisi’s father and didn’t know anything about the man that Carisi hadn’t volunteered himself, which hadn’t been much.  She knew Carisi loved him and while she doubted his family was as perfect as she once believed every other well-adjusted adult’s family was, she also knew there was no outright strife amongst the Carisis.

She paused when she reached the hospital room, lingering in the doorway.

“Sonny?  I’m right out here if you need me.  The doctors need to take him soon though.”

He craned his head over his shoulder to look at her then and her heart sunk for the second time in less than three hours.  His cool blue eyes glistened with tears. His expression was so deeply hurt, so agonized, that she wished it were possible to reach far into his body and take away his pain for even a few precious seconds.  

“Hey…uh, yeah just uh…c-come in,” Carisi stammered.

Rollins entered the room slowly, afraid to disturb the intimacy unfolding.  Carisi’s left hand rested on top of his father’s lifeless right.  Rollins took the extra yellow plastic chair across from the hospital bed and set it down to sit beside Carisi.  She took his free hand and gave it a squeeze.

“I…” Carisi began as he turned his head slightly to face Rollins, and Rollins hadn’t realized until that moment just how lost he looked, like a child needing guidance.  “Amanda, I…I don’t know how to…how…I can’t…”  Carisi drew in another deep breath and Rollins reached up with bent right knuckles to wipe errant tears from his cheekbones.  She tried to capture his gaze with her own as she spoke.

“Sonny, he’s your father.  Talk to him as if he were still here.  Anything you want to say- anything.  Just let it all out.  From the heart.”

She couldn’t believe the roles were so reversed.

It should be the other way around.  He’s the one who’s good with the emotional stuff.

“And,” Rollins continued, “I can always leave-”

“Stay.”

It was spoken with such finality and such need that she didn’t dare to argue.  Her hand never leaving his, Rollins closed her eyes to prevent more tears as Carisi spoke to the first and most important man he ever idolized for the last time.

“Dad,” Carisi whispered.  “I always looked up to you.  I’m sorry I didn’t call as often this past year…and when I was studyin’ for the bar, but…well I kept goin’ ‘cause of you and Ma.  ‘Cause I knew the two of you believed in me…and I wanted to make you proud of me.”  His voice broke during the last part of his sentence but he continued through his tears.  

“Dad, I’m gonna miss you so much.  All of us.  But we’re gonna be okay.  We all got each other.  It’s okay.  You can go.”

He collapsed into Rollins arms again as he let go of his father’s hand, and this time, neither of them tried to stop their tears until they heard Mia at the door again.  Rollins knew she needed to say goodbye to her grandfather.

“Sonny,” she whispered against his damp cheek.  “We need to go now.”

***

“There’s no way you’re going back to your place tonight,” Rollins informed Carisi, point-blank.

“I know.”

The two sat on Rollins’s couch, scrolling through Carisi’s phone, looking at shots of old polaroids that Bella was sending him in a group message with his other sisters.  He rapidly responded about which ones should be present at the viewing on Thursday night.  The pinging sounds eventually slowed and halted, and Carisi put his phone on the coffee table and sighed.

“I have to leave in about ten minutes to get the girls,” Rollins told him gently.  “Do you want to come or stay here?”

“I, uh…I think I’ll just stay here.”

“Okay.  Why don’t you get changed and try to relax a bit?”

She leaned forward and kissed him quickly, flashing him a sympathetic smile as she faded away from his view.

Carisi picked up the remote and idly flipped through channels, not even concentrating on any of the content.  Giving up, he headed to Rollins’s bedroom and stripped down to his shorts, then found a pair of black pajama pants and his ratty old Islanders t-shirt that Rollins liked to sleep in more often than not.  He draped his suit on the chair in her corner, tossed his dress shirt and undershirt into her hamper, and made his way to her bathroom.  He splashed cold water on his face and looked in the mirror.  He had definitely seen better days, but at least his eyes weren’t as swollen.

He needed to focus.  His mother wanted his help with the obituary, so he would need to do that tomorrow.  He knew what suit his father would probably have chosen; it was the navy one that he wore to his parents’ twenty-fifth wedding anniversary party.  He should make that choice; it would probably be too painful for his mother.  He needed to gather his thoughts but he couldn’t.  Rollins would know what to do.  She was more pragmatic during a crisis, whereas he struggled to find his footing when emotions ran too high.

By the time Rollins got home with the girls, he had managed to down several glasses of water and most of a sandwich and was cleaning up after himself when the sound of the lock turning brought him back to the present.  But today, something was different.  There was no usual banter, no peels of laughter or excited chatter.  He frowned and headed towards the doorway.  Jesse came up to him first, looking stoic beyond her almost-seven years.

“Uncle Sonny?”

He kneeled down in front of her.

“Hey Jess, how was school?”

“Okay, I guess but Mommy says your dad died so I wanted to tell you I was sorry.”

Unable to say a word, he hugged Jesse tightly and then opened his right arm again as a very serious and confused looking Billie headed straight over to his embrace.  

“Girls,” Rollins said, “I think Uncle Sonny needs some cuddles tonight.  Maybe after dinner we can all do that on the couch together and watch a movie?”

Carisi felt his heart clench and this time it was out of gratitude.  He loved all three of them, completely.

“That sounds like the best idea I’ve heard all day,” he said, throwing up his hands and standing up fully.  He walked over to Rollins and put his arm around her shoulder.

“I’m going to cook tonight,” she offered.  “I think I finally have your mother’s risotto recipe almost close enough to be edible.”

Carisi let out a chuckle, the first laugh in the entire day.

“Hey, there’s always takeout as a backup, right?”  Rollins shrugged easily.  As the girls took off to play in the living room, she took Carisi’s hand and led him to her bedroom.

“Here, sit down.”  She motioned to the bed.  “Sonny…please, if I can help in any way tomorrow, just let me know.  Anything.”

Carisi looked at her, this time feeling a bit less foggy.

“Just be there, okay?”

She smiled and kissed his forehead.

“Done.”

*** 

“Where do you want to go right now?  I need to be home for three-thirty, so if you want to see your mother or any of your sisters, we have time.”

Amanda waited at the pedestrian crossing.  

“Uh, yeah- let’s uh…let’s go to my mother’s.”

She drove Carisi’s SUV through the streets of Staten Island.  It felt eerie driving in such a less crowded area, and even stranger that it was unseasonably warm when her boyfriend’s darkest days were unfolding.

Serafina was a wreck.  She sat practically rooted to her dark red couch with her wedding album open in her lap.  Like everything else in the Carisi household, the couch looked simultaneously old yet in impeccable condition.  Bella and Gina were sitting at the kitchen table, writing and crossing things out on a pad of paper, talking softly to each other.  The pictures that everyone has agreed to use for Dominick Sr.’s funeral were spread out on the table.

Carisi reached his mother first, leaning over to kiss her cheek.

“Ma, did you eat yet?”

“We all have,” Gina answered for her.  Carisi and Rollins took their seats on each side of Serafina.  Rollins glanced down at the album, marvelling at the older wedding fashions and how much more of a resemblance Carisi had to his father in Dominick Sr. 's younger years.  One of the pages showed a newly wed Mr. and Mrs. Carisi bursting from the church doors, absolutely beaming.

They were so in love.  

“Sonny,” Serafina choked out.  “I want you to help finish the obituary.  The mortician already dressed him in that blue suit you said he liked.  We’re going to have the wake in the church basement right after the funeral.  Mrs. Morietti and the McKinnons are already helping to cook.”

“Yeah, yeah, Ma it’s fine.  Is Father Duffy going to do it, or do they need to bring in someone else?”

At least Rollins knew it would be in Hell’s Kitchen after all.  It would be easier to get the girls ready and make it on time.

“No, Father Duffy will do it,” Serfaina answered tearfully.  “I’m glad it’s going to be him.”

“Yeah, yeah, me too.”  Carisi sighed and patted his mother’s knee before getting up and heading to the kitchen to join his sisters, leaving Rollins alone with Mrs. Carisi.  Rollins didn’t mind at all.  From the first time she had stepped into Serafina Carisi’s kitchen, she had instantly felt at ease, comments about her allegedly needing to eat notwithstanding.  It was just that Rollins had no words of comfort to offer, rather than what felt like the too-scripted lines she had to deliver to victims’ families.  She felt both too removed to offer help during their grief, yet too close to this family, as though Carisi’s family of origin had already become her own.  She tried to offer what meagre solace she could in the moment.

“Serafina, do you need me to do anything?  I’m not nearly as proficient in the kitchen as Sonny, but I can in fact cook.  I can head to the church, help set anything up for the lunch afterwards…?”

Might as well start with practical help, at least.

Serafina turned the upper half of her body to face Rollins fully.

“I need you to take care of my son, Amanda,” she said quietly.  “I know he is keeping some of this inside.  He’ll open up to you before the rest of us.  He L…trusts you so much,” she mumbled.

Rollins sighed, deciding to take the honest route.

“Ser…I just wish I knew how.”

For a brief time, they were both silent, until Gina interrupted them, announcing the funeral home needed them to set up the pictures and give the final approval to post the obituary.  She offered to go and do it with Teresa.  Rollins wished she could pitch in and help, but she needed to get back to Manhattan before traffic got too heavy.  In any event, she wondered if it was better to leave such personal planning up to the Carisis.

Bella left first, needing to relieve Tony and their daycare of toddler duty.  She was followed by Teresa.  Gina planned to spend the night at the house with Serafina.  As Rollins and Carisi got up to say their goodbyes, Serafina stopped them in the doorway.

“Sonny, I need to talk to you for a quick second.”  As Serafina turned to lead him into the bedroom, Rollins distracted herself by scrolling through her phone.  Several minutes passed and she was just trying to recall if Jesse and Billie had appropriate dresses to wear to a funeral, when mother and son emerged again.  Serafina wasn’t crying anymore and even looked slightly relieved.  Rollins looked toward Carisi for clues as to whatever had just transpired between them without having to pry, but she came up empty.  Carisi looked emotional but Rollins couldn’t determine if it was due to his father or the conversation that had just transpired.   She suppressed a frown.

“I’ll see you both tomorrow afternoon,” Carisi called out to Bella and Serafina, stopping to hug and kiss each of them before he and Rollins walked out the door.

“I’m okay to drive,” Carisi informed her.  He reached out for his keys and Rollins silently handed them back over.  As they got into the car, all Rollins could think about was getting him home and taking care of him.  He would already have to do the hardest part tomorrow.  It was bad enough having to lose his father, but in Rollins’s mind, it was even worse to have to put on a brave face in the midst of that grief to attend to everyone else.

She surmised that the funeral would be big.  Carisi had a big nuclear family and although his grandparents were no longer alive, there was still a great number of aunts, uncles, cousins, spouses, friends and then she and the girls…

Me and the girls.  Where do we fit in here?

She mentally shook the thought away, feeling ridiculous.  Why was she thinking that?  She knew what the girls meant to Carisi- what she meant to Carisi.  There was no doubt in her mind that this man loved her and her daughters and she felt genuinely welcomed by his family, but what exactly was her place, especially in times like these?

They drove directly to the school and picked up Jesse from her kindergarten room, then Billie from the preschool building at the back.

“Yay, Uncle Sonny!”  Billie cried out happily as she spotted his SUV in one of the parking stalls outside of the school, and Rollins couldn’t help smiling, despite the harsh circumstances.

“Uncle Sonny, Billie and I made something for you, but we’re going to give it to you at home,” Jesse announced, as she clambered into the backseat and into her booster seat.  Rollins finished securing Billie in her carseat and returned to her own seat.  No sooner had the four of them started heading to Rollins’s apartment than Jesse chimed in.

“Uncle Sonny, are you spending the night again?”

“Yeah, I was plannin’ on it.”

“But your mommy lives on Staten Island, right?”

“Yes, that’s right, she does.”

“Did your mommy and daddy live together until your daddy died?”

Rollins bit her lower lip and glanced at Carisi nervously.

Where is she going with this?

“Yeah, they were married for a long time.  All of us lived there our entire lives when we were kids- me and my sisters.  My parents never moved.”

Jesse was quiet for a moment, apparently mulling over the information.

“Mommy said you were there all day today to help take care of your mommy.”

“Yeah, we were.  My mother is really sad.”  As Carisi said it, he couldn’t hide the tearful sound to his voice from Rollins.  She squeezed his right knee as Jesse continued her monologue

“Since your mommy’s boyfriend, maybe you could move in and that way we can take care of you.”

Rollins stifled a cry as she watched Carisi’s hands involuntarily seize into a death grip on the steering wheel, tears welling in his eyes.  She knew he was speechless, so she spoke up for both of them.

“Well, Jess, those kinds of decisions take time,” Rollins explained.  “There’s a lot of planning and things to consider.  I think for now, the best way for us to take care of Uncle Sonny is to have lots of cuddles for the next few days and we cook dinner for him again.  Sienna is going to come over and stay with you and Billie at bedtime while Uncle Sonny and I go to the funeral home to help out.”

They reached Rollins’s place and she was grateful to be saved by the change in scenery, but she couldn’t help but mull over Jesse’s request for Carisi to move in.  She was secretly pleased at the possibility of Carisi making this his official home, despite the sadder undertones.  Half of his closet and hygiene items were there, along with the countless pots, pans, and utensils that he insisted they needed to properly cook.  He was there more often than not.  But this was hardly the right time to entertain such an idea.

No sooner had they all crossed the threshold than Jesse and Billie darted for their room.  Rollins greeted Frannie and then Sienna, giving her instructions for the evening.

“Okay, hurry up and use the bathroom, wash your hands,” Rollins called out after them, as she greeted Frannie.

Once she and Carisi were situated in the kitchen, Rollins got to work taking out the pasta sauce Carisi had frozen the week before.  They would need to have an early dinner.

“So much for you cookin’ huh?”  He teased, and Rollins was glad to see him finally cracking a genuine smile again.

“I defrosted chicken so I am making it fried, southern-style.  We’ll just have a side portion of pasta.  It’s your comfort food and my comfort food, combined.  Come on.”  She smiled at him and guided him by the small of his upper back to the kitchen.  He seemed to be more functional than he had been for the past day-and-a-half.  Selfishly, Rollins worried more about the funeral for her own sake and not his.  How would she help him survive a loss like this?  

That’s not the point, Amanda.

But she couldn’t help feeling so inadequate.

It was when she sighed audibly that Carisi looked at her in surprise.

“What’s a matta?”

She grinned, suppressing a blush.  That damn accent turned her to putty in his hands sometimes and she loved hearing it all the damn time now.

“Sonny, I-”

“Uncle Sonny?”  Billie’s timid little voice sounded just steps behind him and he turned to address her.

“Yes?”

Before Billie had time to answer, Jesse came running at full speed behind her.  

“I told you to wait for me, Billie!”  She hissed.

“Whaddaya got there?”  Carisi asked, noticing they were each shielding a hand behind their backs.

“We wanted to make you a symphony card,” Billie explained seriously.  

“Not symphony, sympathy!”  Jesse corrected.  “Here.”

They both held their once hidden hands out to Carisi, handing over the sheets of paper.  “I asked my teacher if I could help Billie during recess and she let me go over there.”

Rollins had to turn away then; she couldn’t handle much more sentimentality tonight, but she was also positively glowing on the inside.

What did I do to deserve such amazing kids?

When she turned again, confused by the silence, she took in the scene unfolding in her kitchen with joy, despite the occasion.  Carisi was holding both of them, blubbering as he tried to compose himself.

“Uncle Sonny, don’t cry,” Jesse whispered, her little face squished against his neck.

“Hey, it’s okay.”  Rollins knelt gently, facing Carisi’s back and her daughters’ obscured faces.  “I think Uncle Sonny is crying because he is happy that you girls did such a nice thing for him and he is probably really tired from everything that has happened.”

Carisi broke free of them and blinked several times as he faced Rollins again.

“I think some of those cuddles while you cook dinner are in order.”

***

They did precisely that as the girls watched Encanto with Carisi.  They had an early dinner with the girls’ usual chatter, and Carisi appreciated the happy distraction before it would be time to make the second hardest trip of his life.  As if right on cue, Sienna entered the apartment with her spare key.  

“Hey,” Rollins called out.  “Sorry we have to duck out here.  I cleaned up as much as I could while I was cooking.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Sienna shrugged.  She reached down to ruffle Frannie’s ears and then set to work on clearing the table.  Rollins and Carisi kissed the girls goodbye and left, but not before Carisi picked up the two “symphony” cards.  Rollins looked at him questioningly, then back to the two construction-paper cards.  They were both baby blue and had little glitter hearts adorning the red- and purple-crayoned words: ‘Sorry for Your Loss,’ which Rollins knew one of their teachers had helped with.  When he noticed Rollins looking at them again, he opened each so she could get a better look.  Jesse’s had a picture of her hugging him, looking about ten times bigger than her, while Billie’s had a stick-like picture of what they figured was the four of them embracing.  But it was Jesse’s message inside, albeit it slightly misspelled, that caused them to stop: ‘I love you Daddy Sonny.’  Carisi met Rollins’s eyes again.

“I need these with me tonight.”

***

Having also grown up Catholic, Rollins was familiar with the funeral arrangements: funeral home viewing, with people approaching the casket and saying goodbye privately, followed by the mourners quietly looking at pictures of the deceased and quietly sharing memories amongst themselves.  The funeral would be a Catholic mass, a ‘Celebration of Life’ of the deceased with the sermon consisting of readings geared toward entering heaven and saying goodbye.   Then, the burial with the family present before they headed back to the church basement for lunch with all the other attendees.  Rollins wondered if this ritual, this practicality of how every single Catholic funeral looked, would help him more easily process his grief.  She noticed early on in their partnership that his simpler, smaller rituals- crossing himself when he found a child’s body or lighting candles at church when he was bothered by something and needed guidance- helped him stay grounded.  She hoped the same would be true here.

She sat now, hands folded in her lap, in one of the chairs set up in the main room, a few feet away from Carisi’s father as he lay in wait in an open, dark oak casket.  She had waited in the main hall next to the funeral home director- a sweet older man in an impeccable black suit who kept offering her tea or coffee- as one by one, the Carisis each took their time in the basement, seeing Dominick Sr. privately for the last time before the casket was brought into the room.  Nearly as soon as Serafina saw her sitting in the second row of chairs, she had reached for Rollins’s hand, insisting she sit with the rest of the family in the front.

“Please, you have to sit next to Sonny.  Promise me,” Serafina had pleaded, and as out of place as Rollins still felt, there was no way she was saying no.

Now, as the first mourners filed in, Serafina looked so unsure of herself that Rollins wondered if they would need to escort her out.

“I’m not ready to be a widow yet,” she cried into Carisi’s arm.  Carisi used his left arm to hug his mother up against, while Rollins remained seated to his right.  On her own right, Rollins was flanked by the Carisi sisters and each of their respective spouses.  They were all interrupted by the funeral director trying to gracefully get the family’s attention before more and more people arrived.

“If anyone would like to add something to the casket, now would be the best time.”

Rollins was surprised to see Carisi stand up.  She watched curiously as he approached his father and leaned over.  She knew he was probably whispering something to him, but she couldn’t hear him.

***

Carisi took a deep breath.  Truthfully, he didn’t want to be here, didn’t want to face all of his family and friends.  He didn’t want to be standing here like this at all.  But he was the only Carisi male left and as much as he tried to fight against the old machismo stereotypes, he couldn’t help his upbringing.  He had been raised to care for the women in his life- that was what his father had taught him in actions.  Like it or not, he was the man of the house now and he had to keep it together.

He failed again.

Tears streamed down his face as he held his father’s too-cold hand and whispered to him.

“Pop…pop, I dunno if you can hear me but…I wanted you to know I’m takin’ care of Ma.  We all are.  And I’m gonna make her happy now.”

He reached into his right pants’ pocket, fingering the diamond ring from his paternal grandmother.

“Ma gave me Nonna’s ring, like you wanted.  I’m gonna ask Amanda real soon.  So don’t worry about me anymore.  We’re all gonna be okay….Pop….”  Carisi tried to keep his sobs quiet but he couldn’t.  He kneeled down on the kneelers placed in front of the coffin, trying to regain what little composure he had left.

“Pop….Pop I love you so much.  Just uh…just…” Carisi choked back more tears.  “Make sure you’re at my wedding.”  He gave into his tears then, making no move to stop or slow them down as they rolled down his cheeks, pelting the carpeted surface at his knees.  It was the familiar touch of a small hand that brought him to his senses, without the need to turn around and face her.

“He’s gone, Amanda.  He’s really gone.”

Her arms were wrapped around him again, holding his shoulders as he lost control.  He knew the room was becoming more crowded and he could have sworn he had heard Fin’s and Liv’s voices, but he no longer cared.  He was broken, he was lost.

He was scared.

I’m the only Dominick Carisi left in the world.

“Come on,” Rollins whispered to him.  “Let’s go sit back down.”

***

The rest of the evening became a blur for Rollins.  Every time someone came up to pay their final respects to Carisi’s father, the entire family had to rise and acknowledge them.

“Thank you so much for coming,” Carisi uttered over and over.  He sounded like a broken record.  His tears had lessened, but there was no way she was letting go of his elbow.  She had never seen him appear so frail, as though without warning, she would let go of him and he would just float away.

He didn’t go up to the front of the room again when the doors were locked at nine o’clock and the funeral director came to close the lid to the coffin.  The hearse would bring him to the church tomorrow.  It felt like this nightmare would never end.

They drove home in silence, with Rollins insisting on driving again.  As they entered her apartment, Sienna got up to greet Rollins.

“Mr. Carisi, I am so sorry for your loss,” she offered.

“Th-thank you,” Carisi croaked out.  He hurried to Rollins’s bedroom.

Rollins turned to Sienna and managed a wan smile.  “Thanks, I’ll e-transfer the money in a few minutes.”

Once Sienna left, Rollins checked on the girls, then entered her bedroom to find Carisi perched at the foot, still dressed and staring down at the floor.

“Come on.”

Rollins grabbed Carisi’s hand, hoping she sounded firmer in her resolve to take care of him than she felt capable of, and led him to the bathroom.

“Get undressed.  I’m drawing a bath.”

If Carisi had any qualms about taking care of him, he didn’t let on.  She watched out of the corner of her eye as he obeyed her command while she began filling the tub and then undressed herself.

“Get in,” Rollins insisted softly.  She reached for the big green banana hair clip and piled her hair on top of her head as she let herself sink down into the water across from him.  It was just them, completely vulnerable- naked, in every sense of the term- and completely alone together.

Rollins watched Carisi’s face as he leaned back and relaxed, eyes closed.  His shoulders slackened for what seemed like the first time he got the news and she only then realized how tense he had been.

“Sonny?”

“Yes.”

“I’m sorry for all of this.”

This time, his eyes opened, the icy blue staring at her with crystal clear focus.  They both knew what she really meant.  He reached for her hand under the soapsuds.

“Amanda, you gave me everything I needed.”

Rollins stared back at him, perplexed.  “But I’ve barely been able to do anything.  I just keep sitting with you, not knowing what to do, what to say…I…” Rollins trailed off with a sigh.  “It’s just you’re the one who’s always been good at this stuff, you know?  I feel like nothing I say or do will matter.”

“It matters.”

Rollins looked away, but Carisi continued.

“I was raised to take care of other people.  My entire life, that’s how it’s been.  Only son, surrounded by sisters.  The good student.  Cop.  Detective.  ADA.  And ya know what I realized these past couple of days?”

Rollins shook her head, allowing him to continue.

“Aside from my own parents, no one has ever taken care of me.  Until you.”

Rollins was dumbstruck; all she could do was stare back at her boyfriend.

“It’s true,” Carisi insisted.  “I never had this with anyone else.  You were just here for me, ya know?  We can’t bring my old man back but Amanda…you were here.”

This time, Carisi’s words spurred Rollins into action.  She moved forward and kissed him quickly on the lips.

“I always will be.”

Carisi smiled wearily back at her, a knowing expression on his face that Rollins couldn’t quite work out the meaning of.

“I know.”

***

“Okay, girls, it’s time to leave.”

Rollins gave one final spritz of hairspray to Jesse’s and Billie’s braids and smoothed Billie’s- really, Jesse’s hand-me-down- dark red skirt.

“I like this dress,” Jesse stated proudly, as she studied the long, dark purple sundress with the white fabric belt in the hall mirror.  “Can I wear it again?”

“Sure,” Rollins replied, gathering up her purse and phone.  She appeared behind Jesse, checking for any white marks or lint on her black, sleeveless dress.

“Where’s Uncle Sonny?”

“He’s already there,” Rollins answered.  “He left early because he has to be a pallbearer.  So we need to take a cab, and then Mrs. Carisi wants us to sit with the rest of the family when we get there..  Come on, let’s go.”  Rollins grabbed Billie’s car seat and bustled Jesse and Billie out of the apartment door and down the main steps to the street, hailing a cab in the process.

The small church was packed.  Rollins couldn’t even tell how many of the attendees were relatives of the Carisis or close friends, but she managed to track down Fin, Benson, and Velasco in the process.  

“Hey Amanda.”  Benson came over and hugged her tightly.  “Carisi’s in the parking lot waiting. The three of us will meet you guys at the cemetery afterwards.  You can ride with Noah and I back here for the lunch.”  Benson held her hands out for Billie’s car seat.  “Here, let me take that for now and just come and grab it on your way out.”

Rollins handed the car seat to Benson and waved to Fin and Velasco, then headed towards the back left exit with Jesse and Billie.  She spotted the Carisis surrounding the pale blue hearse immediately.

“Hey, my girls,” Carisi exclaimed softly, as he squatted down to hug them.  “Here, Mia is gonna take you inside and show you where to sit.”  At the sound of her name, Mia led Jesse and Billie indoors again.

“I’m so glad you’re all here,” he said, sounding relieved as the two of them watched the trio walk away.

“I’m glad I could be here,” Rollins affirmed, pulling him into a tight hug.  She rubbed his back.

“Are you ready?”

***

Carisi sighed.

“As ready as I’ll ever be,” he answered, as he broke free.  He fingered the ring in his pocket one last time as Teresa’s husband, Tony, waved him over towards the rest of the group.

“Amanda,” Gina called out,  “We want you to walk in the procession with the rest of us.”  She added,  “If you feel comfortable doing it, that is.”

Amanda nodded as Father Duffy emerged from the church doors and started pointing out  where to stand to be able to lift the coffin to Carisi and his brothers-in-law.  He took one last look at the woman he loved and hoisted his father’s coffin onto his left shoulder while Rollins and his family fell in step behind them.  This time, his mind centred on the ring in his pocket as he walked into the church doors, scanning the front for his little girls.

“I’m gonna be okay, Pops,” he resolved.

“We’re gonna be okay.”