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When Roman said he wanted to introduce him to Reston’s vines, Youngblood didn’t exactly have many ideas about what that might mean. This was not one of them.
“This,” he said gesturing to a perfectly ordinary tree, “is the Do I Look vine.”
Youngblood raised an eyebrow. “The what?”
“The Do I Look vine!” Roman beamed.
“Uh alright. What does that mean?”
“I discovered this one when I was a kid. Listen!” Then, of all things, he put on an exaggerated baby voice and said, “daddy?”
And the tree shifted. No, not the tree – one of the vines wrapped around it. The vine lifted until it was right in Roman’s face. The tip opened up into what looked bizarrely like a mouth. And then:
“DO I LOOK LIKE-”
Youngblood shrieked and sprang backwards. “What the- what the hell was that? It spoke!”
But Roman didn’t even seem concerned. “It’s the Do I Look vine!” he chirped as the vine drifted downwards and wrapped back around the tree trunk, once again a perfectly normal plant.
“Vines aren’t meant to speak!”
“Really?” Roman asked, as if that was a reasonable question. “Vines don’t speak in the rest of the world?”
“No!”
“That’s so weird!”
That was weird? That? Youngblood was going to scream.
“They must be so boring,” Roman continued. “I love the vines! Come, listen to this one!”
Roman grabbed his hand and Youngblood could only stumble along behind him, head still reeling, until they reached a new tree.
This time, Roman yelled at it, loud enough that Youngblood and the vine jumped.
“AH! Stop!” the vine said angrily. “I could have dropped my croissant.”
Roman was in stitches. And, Youngblood had to admit, it was pretty funny.
“Why-” he cut himself off to stifle a giggle. “Why would vines even know what a croissant is?”
“Oh Burgundy makes croissants for everyone!”
“Even the plants?”
“Of course! They need to eat too!”
“You people are so weird,” Youngblood muttered, but he was smiling.
Roman grinned.
“Do all of the vines speak?”
“Most of them. And you don’t need to say anything to activate most of them either, look!”
He prodded at a vine, and it rose up at the contact. Unfamiliar music emanated from the tree trunk. This time, when the vine opened it’s mouth, a melody came out.
“I heard that you were talking shit and you didn’t think that I would hear it.”
Youngblood gaped. “In all of Reston, only the vines know what singing is?”
“This is singing too?” Roman gasped, excited. “It has words! I didn’t know you could sing with words!”
“Yeah, yeah you can.” Youngblood couldn’t decide if this was sad or adorable.
“Can you sing this one for me?”
“Uh… sure,” he cleared his throat. “I heard that you were talking shit and you didn’t think that I would hear it.”
Roman’s laughter was bright, full of sunshine. “That’s amazing!”
Youngblood’s face heated, and he ducked his head. “Come on, show me some more of these things.”
Hours went by as they explored the woods together. There were just so many of these vines. All kinds of bizarre sentences spewed from the magical plants, each one unpredictable and bizarre.
When Roman said, “story time!” a vine slipped down from a branch to reply dramatically, “no matter how fast he ran he could not escape the demon, but he would not let his soul be taken today!”
A second vine dropped down out of nowhere, opened its mouth, and screamed.
When Youngblood prodded at another, it told him, “You got this, Travis. Make ‘em wait for it- boom.”
He double over with laughter. It took him several seconds, but eventually he managed to ask, “Who- who the hell is Travis.”
“I have no idea!” Roman said, delighted. “There’s never been anyone in Reston with that name, I’ve asked!”
“Where did it get that name from then? Did it make it up?”
“I guess!”
Then Youngblood was wheezing again, and it didn’t take long for Roman to join him. They stumbled deeper into the forest together, laughter light in the air.
“Okay, take a look at this one.”
The vine twisted in irritated circles as it announced, “I said ‘whoever threw that paper, your mum’s a hoe’.”
“What does that- what does that even-?”
Youngblood couldn’t even speak, he was laughing so hard. But Roman knew what he was trying to ask.
Roman just shook his head, managing to mouth through his laughter, “I don’t know!”
Youngblood flicked at another vine, watching as it lifted.
“Alright, let’s tell each other a secret, about ourselves. I’m gonna go first,” it said, gesturing towards the tree it hung from like a person might gesture to themself. “I hate you.”
Roman burst into giggles again and Youngblood grinned at him. This was fun!
“What does this one say?” he asked, batting at the vine before he could get a response.
“If there are any spirits here tonight,” the vine said, dramatically, “tell me: does this sound like Shakira? LELELOLE-”
Throwing his head back, Roman cackled. “I’ve never heard that one before!”
“You mean there are some you don’t know?”
“Yeah, I don’t know most of the ones around here I don’t think. This is, uh, further from Reston than I’d usually go.”
“Come on, then,” Youngblood said, grabbing his hand. “We can discover them together! Try this one.”
Roman reached towards the one he’d pointed at. Before he could even touch it, it perked up.
“Don’t tell your mother,” it sang, making Roman’s whole face light up hearing at another song.
A vine by Youngblood’s feet lifted to respond, “kiss one another.”
“DIE FOR EACH OTHER!”
“OH what the-” Roman fell over his own feet, landing on his butt.
Youngblood snickered as he helped him up.
“I wasn’t expecting that!”
“No, you clearly weren’t,” Youngblood replied, barely keeping the amusement out of his voice.
Roman pouted at him. “Okay, well, you can do the next one.”
“Alright then,” he chose a vine at random and poked it.
There was a long pause, and Youngblood began to wonder whether this was just an ordinary vine.
Then: “Adam.”
His shoulders shook with laughter. “What?”
“My turn, my turn!” Roman batted at a new vine.
This one spoke in a dangerous voice. “I will have your head…”
“Uh, Youngblood?” Roman said nervously. “The vine is threatening m-”
“OF lettuce, because you grow the freshest of greens!” The vine giggled. “Crispy!”
“Oh. Oh. Oh, that one was nice.”
Youngblood cackled, flailing enough that he accidently hit the loop of a vine hanging near his head.
Suddenly, they sprang up all around him, speaking urgently over each other.
“Password must contain a capital letter and five numbers.”
“Three question marks.”
They were surrounding him, he couldn’t get away from them.
“The poop emoji.”
“The name of your firstborn son.”
And they just kept going and going, enough that it became overwhelming.
“Two Greek letters.”
“The Batman symbol.”
“Don’t worry, Youngblood!” he heard Roman shout over the racket. “I’ll save you!”
The vines were beaten back by the flat of a sword until finally Roman was there, hand outstretched to pull him from the swarm. Together they ran, Roman tugging him along.
“Um, thanks,” Youngblood said awkwardly once they were finally far enough away that he couldn’t hear the vines anymore.
Roman collapsed into a heap on the ground. “You’re welcome!” he chirped.
They’d made their way into a small clearing. The ground was dappled with shadow, the trees providing them with shelter even while giving them space. The grass shimmered slightly as it waved in the wind, bright and untamed.
The whole place was magical – even without any talking plants.
Youngblood sat down beside Roman. His whole torso ached from laughing so hard for so long, but he didn’t mind.
“It’s nice, here. In Reston, I mean.”
“Yeah, I guess it is.”
“I’m glad you brought me here.”
Roman beamed. “Me too.” His smile faltered slightly and he ran his hand over the stalks of grass, bashful. “Thank you, for agreeing to take me with you when you leave,” he said, voice earnest. “I know that you’d probably prefer to travel alone, so-”
“You know,” Youngblood interrupted, nudging him gently in the side. “I think I might like the company after all.”
“Really?”
“Yeah really.”
The joy on Roman’s face was so strong that Youngblood had to look away.
For a long time they were silent. It was quiet, save for the usual forest ambience, but it wasn’t uncomfortable. It was nice. Youngblood really wouldn’t mind Roman accompanying him, if it meant he got to experience more days like this.
Then the moment shattered.
“TWO BROS SITTING IN A HOT TUB, FIVE FEET APART ‘CAUSE THEY’RE NOT GAY!”