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it's not good enough.
her songs are never good enough.
kanade doesn't remember the last time one of her songs was somewhat satisfactory. the public eye seemed to believe they were masterpieces, but she knew that they couldn't be.
nothing is good enough if it can't reach mafuyu.
she has done it before. the song miku sang in their sekai - it was her song. it reached the depths of mafuyu's heart, even with her inexperience showing through the lack of so many things that should make up a good song.
she's done it before. so why, why can't she do it again?
she's tried everything. all sorts of instrument combinations, chord combinations, absolutely everything she could think of. she even messaged amia and enanan at least twice to ask for their opinions, and for what they think would work best in a song made by them all.
kanade has made this mistake before. she thought that putting everyone's hearts into a song like this would be enough to save mafuyu. she knows it doesn't work, and yet, continues.
the songs are progressively getting worse. this one, opened on her screen, is too rushed. there's no flow in the music, the notes in the chorus would sound better in a different octave, and there's absolutely no structure. it's awful.
it's just like the one that saved mafuyu before, though. so awfully made that she was enamoured by it.
she's confused. everything is confusing when it comes to saving mafuyu.
she wants to do it - not even just because miku asked her to. mafuyu deserves to live, but the way to reach her is so far out of kanade's comfort zone.
mafuyu took interest in her song with absolutely nothing to it. so atrociously made that kanade doesn't even want to think about it. however, she's realised that the only way she can reach mafuyu is to make a song like this again - but she can't.
she can't make a song that isn't perfect.
this is her current predicament; no matter how much she tries, she can't get her songs to sound as awful as the one mafuyu resonated with. kanade has practiced so much, dedicated her entire being to her composing, to the point where she cannot do anything that isn't of a high quality. it's wearing her away, but she's so tired she couldn't sleep if she wanted to.
she doesn't remember the last time she got out of her seat. she doesn't remember the last time she did anything but composing. there's a box of drink cans on the floor next to her chair, and a dried-up cup noodle pushed to the back of her desk from... probably a few days ago. there's nothing else. kanade has been so focused on saving mafuyu that she doesn't want to do anything else, even if it kills her.
her stomach is growling, and now that the music blasting at full volume in her headphones has stopped, kanade is suddenly aware of the overwhelming silence filling the room.
she doesn't want to get up to make food. not moving in at least a few days will definitely have made her body weak, and she feels as if she'd collapse if she even tried to stand.
she settles for opening another drink can, throwing the now empty one into the mostly full bin at the side of her desk.
kanade debates sending this song to nightcord. she wondered whether mafuyu would feel something from yet another song made without enough thought or feeling, but decides against it. she can make something better. saving the failed song to a folder with the rest, and opening a new file she picks up her pen to start writing song ideas.
she needs to keep composing. it's the only way she can save mafuyu.
kanade would let herself rot away in her desk chair if it meant she could finally produce the song that could save mafuyu from her despair.
as long as mafuyu lives, it would be okay.
mafuyu deserves to live.
kanade won't stop until mafuyu realises.