Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Ash is fucking pissed. He’s spent the past four months watching his brother melt into a fucking puddle over this girl. Ever since she stepped into their store, he knew something was changing. Suddenly, Fezco is all starry-eyed when looking down at his phone. He walks around with calls from her on speaker saying dumb shit about movies and songs.

It’s infuriating and mind-numbing and sickening.

Ashtray and Fezco have a deal. It’s not like they shook on it or anything, but it’s very much established. They look out for family, they do their business, everything and everyone else can get fucked. It was annoying enough when Rue started hanging around all the time, but she has her own issues and at the end of the day she’s alright. Even Faye turned out okay, but that was only after she helped get rid of Custer and the cops.

Lexi Howard is not family, and she’s as far away from their business as Fez can get her, so Ash has no idea what the hell the lovesick idiots think they’re going to accomplish.

To add insult to injury, Fez starts changing things around their house before she comes over. “Improvements,” he calls them. He has them all doing more chores. He replaces the old, stained, well-loved tupperware. He even gets fancy-smelling soaps for the bathroom.

“She’s the kinda girl with high fuckin’ standards,” Fez insists. Ash doesn’t know how high her standards can be unless she’s secretly the fuckin’ Queen of England.

In the days leading up to Lexi’s play, when his brother is getting a motherfucking suit tailored, Ash considers tearing up the printed copy of the script Fez keeps on his bedside table. It would be a shitty and impulsive thing to do, plus it wouldn’t accomplish much. He settles on silent judgment and rolling his eyes.

It only takes a few more weeks for her to stay the whole night for the first time. Before this, Lexi would stay long enough to watch a movie or two, then Fez would drive her home. Ash can tell this night is different. The sun went down hours ago and she’s still there on the couch. Their fate is sealed when Fez is dropping some dishes off in the kitchen and turns to his brother with a quick whisper.

“Don’t be comin’ into my room at all tonight, ‘kay?”

Ashtray doesn’t respond. He doesn’t appreciate being treated like a little kid—he hasn’t gone into Fez’s room in the middle of the night for years. But even if he wanted to, he should have the freedom because they’re family. He also doesn’t need to think about the nasty implication.

He silently stalks off to his room down the hall. He can hear a muffled conversation from his bed, but he’s too annoyed to grab his phone and put on music. About an hour goes by and suddenly there’s laughter coming from the living room. It grows louder until he hears Fez’s door shut and then there’s more quiet words.

Ash thinks back to the conversation he overheard between Fez and Faye a few days ago.

“Just be honest, girls like that. If you tell her you’ve never done this before, she’ll know it’s special.”

“You sure?”

“Well it’s definitely better than lying. And she’s basically in love with you, so it won’t change anything.”

“You think I should tell her before or after? Like, ion want her thinking I told her because I expect anything after, but I also don’t want her assuming I only say it ‘cause we, ya know…”

“Just do it whenever it feels right. Lexi’s smart enough to know you’re honest about being in love with her, whether you get into her pants first or not.”

Ash doesn’t hate Lexi. He just really fucking hates that she’s in his house and she’ll be around to stay.

He sleeps restlessly. God must be feeling a little merciful because he doesn’t hear a single sound for the rest of the night, but he still can’t relax. Everything is changing. Everything they’ve built could come crashing down in a matter of seconds if Lexi’s a narc or Fez gets too distracted and gets caught on some stupid shit. Their little family falling apart is the stuff of nightmares, but for once, Ashtray doesn’t dream at all.

He wakes up to the caddy’s engine starting. For a moment, he imagines Fez driving Lexi home like always. It would be for the best if he doesn’t have to have some awkward as hell morning-after conversation over breakfast. Fate isn’t so kind, because when he eventually walks into the kitchen, Lexi is sitting at the table alone.

“Good morning,” she says quietly. Her lips pull into a small smile, but her eyes are still nervous.

“Sup.”

He looks away quickly, trying to make it clear he would like to ignore her.

“Did Fezco tell you when he might be back?” Lexi asks. She leans forward slightly, as if it’s a secret someone is going to overhear. Fez probably just ran out to get coffee or something, but it’s weird he left his girl in bed without an explanation.

“Nah.” He shrugs to answer her question, wondering why she thinks he’ll have any answers. He doesn’t feel much like reassuring her either, so he adds, “Probably a few hours.”

“Alright.” She straightens her back and puts on a smile again, but it’s pretty obviously forced. “Do you mind if I eat in here while I wait?”

“Whatever.”

Ash starts digging through the cabinets to find his box of cereal. Apparently the kitchen needed to be reorganized before Miss High Standards came over, but now he can’t find anything.

Lexi comes into the kitchen behind him and opens up the fridge. “Do you want me to make you something?”

Ash squints over at her, trying to figure out what kind of game she’s playing.

“Huh?”

“Like pancakes or scrambled eggs?” she adds. She grabs a carton and holds it up for emphasis.

“No one’s ever done that before.” It’s true, even if he doesn’t mean to actually say it. Fez doesn’t cook much, and the best thing that ever came out of Kitty’s kitchen was those cigarette butts he ate as a baby.

“Really?”

Her head tilts and her eyes get a sad look that he absolutely despises. Lexi Howard’s pity is not something he wants or needs. Ash doesn’t fully understand why this is his final straw or how he comes up with his plan, but it pops into his head fully formed. There are few things that would get rid of her permanently, but he knows he has one figured out for sure.

“Yeah it’s not like these girls that stay over stick around long enough in the mornin’ to be cooking shit,” he says coolly. The sad look disappears and is replaced by pure confusion. He elaborates. “Usually they dip first thing since Fez is gone and he ain’t comin’ back for a while.”

“Oh.” Her eyebrows draw together and he can tell her mind is working overtime trying to comprehend what he said. It wouldn’t take a genius to figure out what he means. Within a few seconds he can see the realization in her face. He always assumed that pure, fiery anger would be the first emotion anyone feels when they find out they’re being cheated on. At least for Lexi Howard, it’s actually deep, dark sadness.

Lexi glances back toward her phone for a long moment, then back to Ash. It’s like she was in her own little world before suddenly remembering he’s standing right in front of her.

“Well if I’m in your way–“

“Don’t worry ‘bout me,” he insists. The wide, reassuring smile is a cruel touch, he knows. “I’m totally used to all this. He’ll probably call you in a few days. That’s what he did last week.”

She blinks a few times, and somehow her face falls even more. Ash is honestly surprised at how creative he’s getting. Each new line is filled with devastating implications and false history that are specially designed to break her heart. Adrenaline pulses through his veins.

“I’m gonna head home.”

Hearing her voice crack as she turns away does something strange to his resolve. His stomach feels so empty all of a sudden, but it isn’t enough to stop him from appreciating this small victory.

“See you around.”

She’s halfway to the door already, and she doesn’t bother looking back.

“Yeah. See you.”

The silence is extremely satisfying, but it only takes about half an hour for Fez to reappear. He looks stressed and hurried as he glances around the living room. Ash remains at the table, still feeling a little smug at his genius this morning. Fez goes off to the hallway, opening a few doors and muttering something under his breath.

“Did you see Lexi this morning?” he asks as he comes back to the kitchen.

“Yeah.” Ash keeps his eyes focused on his phone as he scrolls mindlessly through Twitter.

“She leave?”

Ash almost rolls his eyes. Obviously.

“Yeah. Just said she was goin’ home.” It isn’t a lie, he tells himself. He’s not in the wrong.

“She say anything else?” Fez sounds a little desperate, so Ash sets his phone down and turns to meet his brother’s eyes.

“Asked where you were, told her I didn’t know,” he replies shortly.

“Shit.”

Fez runs a hand over his head. He paces back and forth for a few seconds, like he doesn’t even know what to do next.

Ash thinks about going to his room, but curiosity gets the better of him. “Where were you?”

“There was a delivery coming to the store this morning real early and I didn’t wanna wake her up. I just left a note tellin’ her to wait for me.”

Ash shrugs as he continues to play dumb, but this time it’s a lot harder. There’s something different about trying to lie to his brother so easily. He tells himself it’s just temporary, that things will be back to normal again soon.

“Maybe she just had things to do.”

Fez doesn’t respond to that. He’s grabbing for his phone, and Ash can see from a few feet away that he’s pulling up his contacts. He taps Lexi’s name and holds the phone up to his ear worriedly.

Ash’s hearing is pretty damn good. Flawless, the last time he had it tested. Loud and clear, he hears a single ring. Then, a broken voice comes through.

“Don’t fucking call me again.”

“Lexi, what–“

“I hate you.”

The line goes dead, and Fezco’s eyes fill with tears.

Chapter Text

Lexi lays in bed the rest of the day. She managed to hold off from sobbing until she was halfway through her bike ride home, but since then she hasn’t stopped. Her mother isn’t home and Cassie doesn’t say anything. It’s a sick cosmic joke that Lexi forgets why she’s crying for a moment and thinks about how calling Fezco would probably make her feel better.

Then it comes crashing back like a giant wave. Her conversation with Ash, the call that made her throw her phone across the room and immediately block Fezco’s number. It wracks her whole body when she sobs again, realizing how hurt and betrayed and used she is.

By the afternoon, those intense feelings start to numb a little. But as the events of that morning clear from her head, she remembers the night before.

Lexi can still feel the way his thumb stroked over her hand as he told her he loved her. She can still hear the promises and sweet nothings whispered in her ear as he pulled her onto his lap. She can still smell his cologne flooding her senses as they fell into his bed and spent the night in each other’s arms.

It makes her feel sick all over again. She just can’t make any of it make sense. How could Fezco be dating—kissing, fucking—other girls this whole time? They would talk every single day as if no one else existed, yet apparently he could turn around and do the same thing with someone else.

The worst part is how certain Lexi had felt just a few hours earlier. Fezco was supposed to be it.

She knew she wanted to have sex eventually, but there was always something holding her back. It wasn’t until he admitted—lied—that he had never done it before, but so badly wanted to try and make it good for her because he loved her and it would be special between them. In retrospect, it feels absolutely pathetic how quickly she believed him.

The quiet, insecure part of Lexi whispers that she should understand he would have a past. Even though she doesn’t, it isn’t a crime for Fez to have previous flings. It wouldn’t even be all that wrong if he had flings back when they were still talking as friends, even if it would rip her heart out just the same. That terrible part of her even thinks it makes sense, that he would obviously have girls interested in him that he would want to be with when he wasn’t getting anything out of her.

But there is no part of Lexi that could ever forgive his lies. Even with all the heartbreaking hypotheticals that she could pretend to understand and accept, there’s no excuse for how he got her into bed and promised he was in love. Something that was so sacred and pure and real is now barely even dust or dirt.

In a short moment of personal detachment and absolute clarity, Lexi feels incredibly sad for Cassie. Even if she thinks her sister has been stupid and selfish and cruel the past few weeks, she thinks she understands. Love fucking sucks, and it has a death grip on the Howard women. She thought she was above that addictive attachment and stupid blindness that leads to fucking people like Nate, but now she knows she’s not. Men could hurt her and use her and make her look insane just as easily. Lexi feels sick again at the comparison between Nate and Fezco. They’re nothing alike, they’re supposed to be complete opposites. She thinks it makes her hate Fezco more—at least Nate shows his true colors eventually, he doesn’t put on Oscar winning performances to seem like a good person.

When it’s finally time for dinner, Lexi drags herself out of bed and almost collapses. She hasn’t had anything to eat or drink all day.

(Again, she thinks of Fezco and how if she told him how little she had taken care of herself, he would scold her, then do his best to make her feel better. At least that’s what she thought he would do.)

Getting down the stairs is a dangerous affair, but when she sees Cassie again in the kitchen, she considers risking the trip back up and avoiding food altogether.

“I was about to order a pizza,” Cassie says simply. Ironically, it seems like this is one of her better days. She looks at Lexi with concerned eyes and a tight frown. “You wanna split it?”

“Yes please,” Lexi replies meekly. The look of pity makes her feel worse, but she has to admit to herself that it’s probably deserved when she catches her reflection in the window. The combination of last night’s makeup and today’s tears is a dreadful sight.

Cassie quietly sets out plates and cups for them while Lexi runs her fingers through her hair in an attempt to make it a little more presentable. They don’t speak for a few minutes, but eventually Cassie lets out a deep sigh and turns toward her.

“Whatever it is, I probably understand.” It’s not pity, Lexi realizes as she listens. There’s no condescension. It’s more like a plea, an extended hand of empathy that Cassie is begging Lexi to take. This is the most they’ve talked since Nate broke up with her.

When Lexi doesn’t respond, Cassie takes a step toward her and presses again. “I know you’ve been talking to someone, Lexi.”

Maybe Lexi will eventually appreciate this moment of sisterhood, of solidarity. Maybe it will be healing for both of them to understand each other in this way, and they’ll even come out stronger than before. For now, she absolutely hates it. She’s transparent and vulnerable and fucking stupid for trusting Fezco.

“I don’t wanna talk about it.”

Cassie frowns, but she shrugs off the rejection and reaches for napkins to put on the table instead. “Alright.”

Lexi appreciates the silence for a bit. Their pizza arrives and they share the pieces evenly. Cassie lets Lexi pick first like when they were kids.

She starts to feel better after a few slices and glasses of water. She knows one wrong word would probably set her off again, with pain and anger bubbling just below her skin. Still, a different feeling starts to emerge. It’s something she only recently convinced herself to really embrace, and now feels like the perfect time to commit to it. Pettiness.

“Do you know about any parties going on next week?” she asks, looking to Cassie and hoping her sister could actually help her for once.

-

The week passes by extremely slowly. On the surface, Ash has won. He and Fez work at the store together, they get home and eat dinner, then spend a few hours continuing their work while alternating between watching old movies and cartoons. It’s exactly what they’ve always done and exactly what he wanted.

Except for the fact that everyone around him is absolutely fucking miserable.

After Lexi hung up, Fezco spent the rest of the day looking sick to his stomach. Ash understands that his brother would assume Lexi left because he did something wrong during their night together. He didn’t exactly think that one through, and it doesn’t sit right with him that Fez feels guilty for something he didn’t do. He overhears another conversation with Faye the next day.

“Are you sure she never seemed upset the whole night?”

“I’m fuckin’ positive.”

“She never asked you to stop anything? Like you listened to everything she wanted?”

“Of course. I got no fuckin’ clue what happened, but she sounded so hurt and now I can’t even talk to her.”

“I can’t ask her either, she blocked me too.”

“‘M sorry ‘bout that, Faye. I know you were becoming friends.”

Their misery takes the form of confusion and worry. Both Fezco and Faye constantly speculate about the cause of Lexi’s distress. The triumph of Ash being presumed completely innocent wears off quickly. Instead, he feels like they’re being haunted. Even though Lexi isn’t physically present, she’s in every conversation and empty glance around the room. Ash assumes they just need more time to move on.

More time, it turns out, just makes Fez numb. Ash gathers (mostly from more eavesdropping) that he believes Lexi is better off without him. The initial concern about her sudden change of heart morphs into an unfeeling acceptance. Sometimes Fez looks sort of angry, other times he’s clearly grieving. But he always returns to nothingness—fewer words than before, eyes cast downward, a permanent frown.

Ash truly tries to understand his reaction. He knows rejection fucking sucks, and he knows the thought of accidentally hurting or disrespecting a woman would weigh heavily on his brother. But no matter what Fez is assuming went wrong, Ashtray still can’t imagine why Lexi specifically has him so fucked up.

A few times, he wonders how Lexi is doing. He remembers the way her face fell and her voice barely forced out a goodbye. There’s no fondness or victory in that memory. Still, Lexi’s a girl with high fucking standards that will probably find someone more suitable pretty quickly. It never sat right with Ash how their lifestyle was just a strange novelty to her, something to experience for a few hours then leave for home whenever she felt like being safe and sound again.

He sees her again sooner than he ever expects. Ashtray knows she doesn’t really party and only ever shows up to drive her drunk friends home.

(Or, he supposes, to sit on a couch next to a stranger and talk about weird history shit.)

Tonight, however, Lexi Howard is fucking partying. He saw her earlier in one of her little librarian outfits with platform boots and glittery eye makeup when she seemed a little tipsy and giggly. Now she stumbles into the living room of some nameless high school kid’s house, leaning on one of her friends just to stand upright. The one that was asking about crypto and swore she wasn’t human trafficking.

Lexi’s cup looks dangerously close to spilling when Kat (he thinks that’s her name) takes it out of her hand. Kat points to a smaller couch in the corner and shuffles Lexi over. She seems reluctant to sit down and protests far louder and angrier than he’s ever heard her talk before.

“I’m fine!”

Kat groans and looks around desperately until she finds what she’s looking for. She waves her hand at someone in the next room, silently begging them to come help. Maddy Perez saunters into the room like she owns it and gives Lexi a disapproving look.

“You might wanna slow down, Little Howard.”

“I said I’m fine!” she insists.

Maddy lets out a sarcastic laugh and stares down at her friend. Ashtray knows she’ll have the situation handled, but he keeps watching anyway. He’s also infinitely relieved that Fezco already left him hours ago, with instructions to get a ride home from Rue, because the last thing they need is him freaking out about Lexi being so drunk.

“She just took like another three shots in a row.” Kat pointed at Lexi with a deep frown. “She started getting pissed talking about some guy too.”

“Bitch, you’re a mess,” Maddy says to the younger girl with a hint of amusement. “I’m gonna get you some water.”

“I’ll get it myself.” Lexi shoves off the couch clumsily and marches toward the door that leads toward the kitchen down the hall. Ash isn’t sure if he imagines it, but he thinks he sees her lip wobble as she talks.

“Come find me after,” Maddy calls. She gives Kat a simple shrug as if to say ‘my work here is done’ and turns to where Ash is sitting. She looks at him tiredly.

“Whatchu want?” he asks.

“Shit, anything you got.” She starts to pull a few bills out of her bra, but Ash waves her off. He passes over a bag of molly, figuring Maddy’s a reliable customer and hasn’t caused them any trouble before.

She flashes him a bright smile and starts to turn away.

“Hey, your friend gonna be okay?” he calls. Ash doesn’t know why he asks.

She turns back and shrugs slightly. “Probably. She’s goin’ through it.”

That feels like a serious understatement. No one like Lexi gets that fucked up over a minor inconvenience. It’s also obvious that her friends don’t really know what’s up.

“Maddy!” someone calls from the next room. She turns and waves, running over to greet whoever’s over there and disappearing as quickly as she came.

When Ashtray looks back toward the couch, everyone is gone. Kat started to follow Maddy, and Lexi’s off to get water. He frowns, realizing the two friends were pretty shitty babysitters. He shouldn’t expect more from some drunk and high teenagers, but he’s seen the way Lexi constantly takes care of their asses. It wouldn’t kill anyone to return the favor.

Something like guilt settles at the bottom of his stomach. Before he can question himself, Ash is leaving his station and going to find her.

The hallway is strangely empty for a party, but he figures most people are crammed into the basement by now. He checks a few doors on the right, finding a closet and a bathroom.

A voice suddenly carries through the walls over the distant music, and Ashtray feels his fists clench.

“Lost?”

It’s so smug and oily. Honestly, he thinks, it's almost impressive how Nate Jacobs can achieve such an effect with a single word.

“Fuck off.” Lexi’s words are slightly slurred, but forceful. There’s a thunk that he can only assume comes from her setting down a glass bottle on the counter, tequila or vodka most likely.

“Come on, Lexi. Aren’t you supposed to be a nice girl?”

Ashtray feels frozen. He sees a door toward the end of the hallway on the left. Light seeps through the crack between the bottom of the door and the floor until a shadow passes over it.

“Leave me alone,” she demands.

“Come on, I just thought you might want some company.”

His tone changes instantly from sleezy to bone-chillingly cold. Ash’s stomach drops. There’s always some shit going down at these parties, but all he knows how to do is observe. Fez was the one who could haul drunk assholes off of each other or innocent bystanders. Fez was the one who could stand up for his friends and family. Ash doesn’t have either of those to defend right now, but he knows either way, Nate Jacobs shouldn’t be walking out alive if he lays a hand on anyone.

“I don’t.” The doorknob turns and Lexi practically falls into the hallway. She stumbles back to the opposite wall, putting as much distance between herself and Nate as she can.

He advances immediately and grabs her wrist, pulling her back roughly. “You thought that play was pretty clever, didn’t you?”

“Nate, stop—”

“She said stop!” Ash is surprised at the sound of his own voice, but Nate is even more so. That’s an advantage he can’t let go to waste. “You got a fuckin’ hearing problem, playboy? Or are you just a bitch?”

The man’s face scrunches up in distaste as he lets Lexi go and turns to Ash. “Are you talking to me?”

“What’s it look like, fuckface?” Ash challenges. He straightens his back, feeling extremely small as Nate’s giant figure rounds on him. At least, he thinks distantly, he’s away from Lexi.

“Do you fucking know who you’re talking to?” he snaps.

“Yeah, I know you. And I know my brother will fucking kill you next time you show your ugly ass in public.”

For a moment, Ash is convinced he’ll get his head put through the wall. He can fight, but he can’t do much when someone twice his size is ready to tear him apart. He reaches one hand around his back, as if going for a weapon tucked into his pants. He isn’t packing right now, but there’s a very small chance Nate will back off before he realizes that.

“Stop yelling at the kid, psycho.” There are a few voices behind Ash whispering about what’s going, but the loudest voice is Maddy’s.

“Jesus, Jacobs,” another guy says next to her. He looks like he’s on the football team, so Ash assumes Nate knows him.

Nate still looks pissed, but he pushed past Ashtray to rejoin the party and mutter something about everyone getting out of his face.

No one seems to notice Lexi leaning against the wall at the far end of the hallway as they all disperse. He knows that happens to her a lot, but right now it’s probably more of a blessing than a curse.

They make eye contact. Lexi’s expression is unreadable, but he can see unshed tears in her eyes. He swallows thickly, trying to decide what to say or do now.

“Hey–”

“I’m gonna be sick.” Lexi’s hand covers her mouth with impressive speed. Ash steps out of the way and quickly points toward the bathroom door. She races inside and empties her stomach into the toilet, tears finally streaking down her cheeks. Ash grabs a cup to fill with water and sits it next to her, but returns to the doorway to give her some space.

“I’ll get someone to drive you,” he says quietly when Lexi finally looks up.

The girls she calls friends are definitely out of the question. He also doesn’t know what her sister is up to, but decides not to even suggest calling her. Faye was nowhere to be found either, but he wouldn’t want them all in a car together right now anyway. The only familiar face he can find is some nerdy brunette theater kid from her play. His performance was actually kinda fucking impressive. Ash waves him down and he looks over in surprise. He looks past Ash to see Lexi and pushes his way over until they’re face to face. Ash remains between the two teenagers, blocking the boy from touching Lexi. She’s still a little shaky and clutches her sides. He clears his throat, doing his best to sound older than he is.

“I forget your name but Imma need you to drive us.”

-

The next evening, Ash is stuck working the store alone. He spent all day debating with himself whether to tell Fezco about what happened at the party, but ultimately nothing came out of his mouth. He knows it’s his fault and he would have to explain all of that, not to mention Fezco would actually kill Nate this time.

The door swings open and Rue steps in. She’s slightly hunched over, but overall looks a hell of a lot better than usual.

“Hey,” she says, tipping her head in greeting.

Ash is under strict orders not to sell to her, and she’s supposed to be sober again anyway. He barely looks up and goes back to counting cash from the register.

“Stop bothering me.”

Rue snorts and grabs a bag of chips. She opens it and pops a few in her mouth, obviously not intending to pay.

“I haven’t even said anything yet,” she insists.

“And yet you’re already annoying.” Ash looks up at her just so he can roll his eyes and make sure she sees.

“Fine.” Rue rolls her eyes back. “These are for you.”

In his avoidance, he failed to notice the small box in Rue’s hands. She sets it on the counter and gestures toward it dramatically. It’s one of those paper boxes you fold up yourself from craft stores that Kitty used to pack lunches in sometimes.

“What is it?” He looks up at her, narrowing his eyes in suspicion.

“A gift? I dunno.” Rue shrugs and steps away to continue eating her chips. “Lexi said to give it to you and be like, subtle about it. I didn’t even know you knew her.”

She turns back and tilts her head curiously at her last remark. Her eyebrows raise in emphasis, waiting for him to respond.

“I mean, not really,” he says stiffly. It’s far too defensive for her to believe, but Rue loses interest anyway. Clearly she didn’t hear about what happened last night.

“Whatever, she said you’re a nice kid so obviously she doesn’t know you well,” she jokes.

It’s not a joke though, Ash thinks. He’s fucking awful. Fezco and Lexi both think he can be decent and good, and treat him as such. All he’s done in return is treat them, especially Lexi, like shit. He wonders if she told anyone about Nate, if Ethan (he learned his name in the car) asked more questions. He tries not to wonder what could have happened if he didn’t get the strange feeling to go find her, if he acted like a coward as he had before.

Rue is opening the door again, leaving with her stolen snack and a halfhearted wave. “You better enjoy those, Lexi’s cookies are fucking incredible.”

He waits a few minutes after she’s done to even touch the box. He can feel the heavy weight of the cookies inside as he picks it up and starts to open the top. More than a dozen assorted cookies and pastries are mixed inside, the sweet smell wafting up to banish the staleness of the store.

His eyes immediately zero in on the small slip of paper tucked into the side. Ash grabs it and holds his breath as he reads.

Ashtray,

Thanks for everything at the party. I honestly don’t remember much, but I know you really helped me and I owe you. You’re a great kid. Enjoy, and let me know if you prefer different flavors or have any allergies :)

- Lexi

When he gets home later, he gives the cookies to their elderly neighbors, who excitedly announce their grandkids will love some of the treats. The note rests in his front pocket, sometimes brushing up against his hand when he reaches in. No one notices him grabbing a tissue and wiping away the little tear that falls when he takes it out and forces himself to read it again.

-

Another day passes and Ash is finally ready. He knows it has to happen, and that it’s already been long enough. The sick feeling in his stomach has grown over the past ten days to the point he thinks he’ll actually vomit before the words come out.

“Fez.”

Ash stands behind the couch, where his brother is sitting down watching the television blankly. His voice is already shaky, making Fezco turn and look him over.

“Somethin’ wrong?” he asks.

Ashtray considers sitting down next to him, putting them on equal footing, but decides to remain standing.

“We gotta talk,” he says simply.

Fezco fully turns around, frowning deeply. “You scarin’ me man.”

Ash swallows, knowing this is the point of no return. If he doesn’t bail now, he has to just charge forward.

“You’re gonna be mad,” he admits quietly. “Honestly, I ain’t got excuses either. I’m sorry.”

“Now you really scarin’ me.” Fezco stands and walks around the couch to lean down and put a hand on his brother’s shoulder. “Look, whatever it is, we’ll be alright. You kill someone?”

“Fuck no, it’s not like that,” he insists. Ash shrugs the hand off his shoulder, breaking eye contact. “It’s about Lexi.”

“What about her?” There’s something dark in Fezco’s questioning tone. It isn’t out of disdain or resentment for her, Ash knows. He thinks it’s out of disdain for himself.

He finds a point on the wall to focus on, pointedly ignoring Fezco’s intense stare. He’s practiced these words over and over enough to force them out as quickly as possible.

“The morning after she slept over, I talked to her.” Ash is ripping off the bandaid, and Fezco’s body is already tense. “I was really mad at you so I told her you been sleepin’ with other girls.”

He blinks. He blinks again. He looks so lost that Ash wonders if he might have mixed the words up. “What?”

“I just…told her you’d be gone for a while and usually the women just leave. Like, that you do that shit a lot,” he adds. He can hear his voice talking but it feels like he isn’t in his body, he’s so scared. “That’s why she won’t talk to you.”

“Why?” It comes out as a gasp, like all the air is getting sucked out of Fezco’s lungs.

Ash doesn’t expect to have to explain himself. He hadn’t practiced any lines talking about how shitty he felt when Fezco ignored him and Lexi looked at him with her sympathetic round eyes.

“Look, because—because we’re family and we got a fuckin’ business to run. You started walkin’ around on your phone waiting for her to text you back while we got real serious shit to handle. I was just doin’ what’s best.” He knows his voice has turned whiny and childlike, but he can’t help it. It doesn’t even sound correct anymore, like the kind of logic a kindergartner would use, but he has to tell the truth and this is it.

“The hell is wrong with you.” It’s not a question. Fezco turns away in disbelief, unable to look at him again.

“Look, I didn’t think you’d both be this fuckin’ depressed about it,” Ash defends. “I know you’re mad. Get mad and we can move on.”

“Yeah, okay, Ash,” Fezco scoffs. He’s halfway to the kitchen, grabbing a glass of water and refusing to turn around.

“C’mon man, get fucking mad,” he begs. It’s desperate now, his voice cracking. “I know it was wrong and I’m sorry.”

“I’m going to bed.” Fezco walks past him calmly, as if he isn’t there.

“So you not gonna say anything?” Ash cries.

The door to Fezco’s bedroom closes with finality. The house is silent, devoid of Faye’s stupid comments and Fezco’s lighter clicking and Lexi’s little laugh. It feels haunted again, but now he’s the only one left alive to deal with the ghosts he’s created.

Chapter Text

Fezco wakes up exhausted. The last two weeks have made him feel like his heart stopped beating, only for it to restart with a vengeance when Ashtray made his confession the previous night. His motions had been so robotic before, motors running slow and expression blank, interspersed with a silent tear or two when his mind accidentally drifts to Lexi.

Breathe in. Breathe out. Force the sound of her laugh from his mind. Repeat.

The whole day after they had sex for the first time, Fezco called her. Even after that original call when she hung up and it became obvious she blocked him, he had to keep trying just in case. He was desperate to know what went wrong and how he could fix it. Faye offered up her phone once, but that attempt was shut down after just one and a half rings. What followed was a miserable, painful period of waking up, going through the motions of life, smoking twice as much as usual, and lying awake at night hoping his phone would ring so he could hear the love of his life’s voice.

Somehow, he had fallen asleep almost immediately last night. Ash’s revelation hit him like a punch to the gut. It was confusing and shocking, and maybe his body literally couldn’t handle dealing with the information yet and simply shut down. Now he feels the toll. His muscles and joints ache despite not getting any exercise. He recalls Lexi mentioning a few times how anxiety and stress can make her physically hurt, supposing it makes sense he might suffer the same way. It’s not just anxiety though, he thinks. Heartbreak tears through his chest like a bullet.

But he isn’t so heartbroken about Lexi right now. He knows he didn’t do anything to hurt her, didn’t completely ruin his only chance. Missing her is still a fucking knife in his heart, but a little bit of that wound has healed with the knowledge that he could try to fix everything.

Fezco’s heart really breaks knowing that his little brother somehow grew to resent him enough to hurt Lexi out of spite.

He can’t recall any signs, any arguments, anything that would have told him Ash was so angry at him. He knows the kid’s got a lotta rage buried somewhere deep down, but it’s never been directed at family. Kitty taught them to protect each other, and Fezco can’t imagine how the fuck his little brother’s actions accomplished that.

Whatever. It’s lucky that they won’t have to exchange any words if he just avoids him.

The house is silent. Fez gets out of bed and walks to the kitchen, pouring out some cereal and juice for breakfast. An overripe banana sits on the counter, a reminder of Lexi’s insistence on adding more fresh food to his weekly grocery runs. He felt like a fucking fool grabbing the bunch last week at the store and trying not to cry because she was gone.

The whole situation is fucked, he thinks. Fezco knows how to wrestle down a junkie and negotiate with trigger happy suppliers. Kitty raised a man with a hard exterior. She didn’t teach her boys how to romance a woman or pour their hearts out to each other. Especially Ash, who stopped going to school years ago and only experiences life through parties, a cash register, and the internet. No fucking wonder he only knows how to lash out when Fez did such a shitty job raising him like a real human being.

Fez forces the air out of his lungs. He can practically hear Lexi’s voice right up against his ear, swearing up and down that he’s done his best. That he’s not a failure. That Ash looks up to him, and he wouldn’t have chosen another brother for the world.

Lexi would know about disappointing older siblings, he supposes. But she would be blind to the truth because she was always so determined to see the best in him, in pretty much everyone. Maybe Ash did them all a favor, forcing her to see in one way or another that he would eventually ruin her despite all her loyalty and love. Just like Cassie.

No, he thinks again. Cassie doesn’t deserve that, even if she is kinda crazy and said some hurtful shit. Maybe Lexi trusted Ash’s words because she’s the younger kid too, and she would never do something like that to her sister. She even protected her sister when she was cheating.

(That was actually the source of one of their arguments early on, given how vehemently Fezco opposed both their actions. It must have seemed extremely ironic to Lexi in retrospect, probably hurting and pissing her off even more.)

None of that matters right now. There’s nothing special about this morning. The routine will be the same—eat, drive, work, drive, eat, sleep. Breathe in. Breathe out. Force the sound of her laugh from his mind. Repeat.

Fezco has gotten very good at this.

He picks up his car keys, ready to drive the same route to the store as always. It’s supposed to be muscle memory, simple as breathing. (Breathe in. Breathe out. Force the sound of her laugh from his mind. Repeat.) But it’s not for some reason. His hands feel unsteady on the wheel, like suddenly every movement has to be deliberate. He hates this, because the only thing getting him through each day is how his mind can drift off after a few drags.

Eventually Fez gets to a red light at a particular street on the way, and he sits for a moment after it turns green. No one is waiting behind him, so he contemplates which way to go. Maybe something in his subconscious has been waiting for this moment, forcing him to really think about what he wants: right turn to the store, left to Lexi’s neighborhood. If only he could explain the truth, look into her eyes and swear he would never hurt her, maybe they would be okay again. Maybe this would all be forgotten and she could kiss the hurt from his heart.

It’s not about what he wants, though. His life is survival, bare minimum, family only, and everyone else can get fucked.

The wheel feels heavy as he turns it clockwise. Breathe in. Breathe out. Force the sound of her laugh from his mind. Repeat.

-

Ashtray can’t stand his brother. They’ve been in a stalemate for three days. Fez wakes up early in the morning and doesn’t come back until dark, when the dinner that Faye cooks is cold and all they play on TV are old sitcom reruns. He won’t exactly complain about watching three hours of The Nanny while waiting, but he would much rather catch a glimpse of his brother in the light of day.

On the first morning after the confession, when Fez was absent and the house was eerily quiet, Ash was hopeful that he was busy reuniting with Lexi. All hopes were dashed when Fez got home and spoke his only words: “Don’t bother with the store this week, I’m covering everything.”

It’s gone on like that each day since, with Ash left at home with Faye to bake in the late spring California heat while Fez works. He doesn’t discuss the business, he doesn’t sit anywhere but his room, and he doesn’t even look at Ash. It’s worse than being forgotten when Lexi would come over, it’s a deliberate rejection.

Ash thinks he could take it if it wasn’t so fucking pointless. Fez knows the truth, which means he could go fix things. He could still be mad, but he wouldn’t have to be alone. Shit makes no fucking sense.

Given that everyone is being so weird, Ash realizes he’s still gotta clean up this mess. He grabs his most suburbia-friendly tracksuit and checks the temperature outside before heading out the door and making a long trek toward Lexi Howard’s neighborhood.

His phone claims that the walk will be 30 minutes, but Ash knows he’s in good enough shape to cut that down. He doesn’t like being alone with his thoughts like this, but it feels stupid to scroll through social media or listen to music when he needs to figure this shit out. Talking to Fez was a failure, but he admits to himself that the planning was poor. He was too defensive, he didn’t explain the truth well enough, and he barely mentioned Lexi herself. This time, he’s gonna remember he’s a fucking salesman.

The Howard house is relatively familiar given how often Ash had to ride along when Fez would pick Lexi up. It’s nice, he thinks. Multiple stories, a hot tub out back if those raunchy rumors about Cassie are to be believed. He naturally feels out of place, because the only reason he would have to be around here is if they were throwing a party.

The walk up to their front doors is like a trudge through mud. Ash knows he’s dragging his feet deliberately, buying time to back out. For a moment, he wonders how long life could go on in this same, miserable way. Would Fez wake up one day and decide to move on? Would Ash be able to bury the sick feeling in his gut deep enough to pretend he isn’t guilty?

His knuckles are rapping against the wood before he comes up with an answer.

The left door swings open to reveal the renowned Suze Howard. He can immediately recognize where Cassie got her eyes and Lexi got her coloring. There’s a glass of red hanging precariously in her hand and a jaded glance fixed on her face.

“Hello?” she questions.

Ash straightens his back and clears his throat. “Is Lexi home?”

“Uh, yes, she is.” Suze takes a sip then tilts her head to the side. “How do you know her?”

Luckily, he’s thought this through already.

“She’s my tutor. She had some study things for me to pick up.”

“Oh! Just wait right here.” Her face lights up with recognition, as if Lexi’s mentioned something like that before. Ash knows she doesn’t have the time to be tutoring anyone with the amount of time she was spending at their place, so either he made a very lucky guess at the excuse she was using to leave the house, or Suze doesn’t know shit about her daughter’s life. Those possibilities seem equally likely.

Suze walks away, leaving the door wide open as she yells up the stairs. Lexi rushes down with her eyebrows scrunched together in confusion. When she looks to the door and they make eye contact, her confusion is replaced with a cautious concern.

“Hey,” he offers simply.

“Is everything okay?” she asks in a quiet voice.

Ash swallows thickly and pulls his hands out of his pockets. It’s not the time for shady posture.

“I needa talk to you.”

Lexi steps aside and pulls the door open wider. “You can come in.”

He steps back, not wanting to get trapped into formalities and offers of iced water or lemonade.

“Nah, here’s fine,” he insists. “I lied to you.”

She steps out to join him on the small porch, pulling the door closed behind her. “When?”

“The morning you were at our place, everything I said about other girls wasn’t true.” Each word is measured and carefully placed. There’s no room for misinterpretation.

Lexi’s frown deepens in doubt. “Ash–”

“Listen,” he interrupts. “You really think Fez is interested in some other bitches? He ain’t got an unfaithful bone in his body.”

In the back of his mind, he thinks about Fez telling him not to call women bitches. But in this case, those women don’t even exist so there would be no reason to get offended. Fez would argue about the whole principle and respect, but Lexi needs to fucking listen.

She’s biting the inside of her mouth like it’s an anxious tick, but her eyes focus firmly away from him in obvious displeasure. “You don’t have to cover for him.”

“I’m not.” Ash struggles to breathe out and remember everything he’s supposed to say. “Ion even like you very much, and I’m still fuckin’ mad at him, but I’m sorry I was being a coward. He’s in love with you and he’s fucking miserable and he didn’t even do nothing wrong. You should talk to him again.”

Lexi’s eyes widen. She bites her lip, looks away, breathes out. It all looks so avoidant, and Ash can only think of how determined she and Fez both seem to be miserable. All the pieces are connecting in her head, and when she finally looks at him again he knows she believes him. It must finally make sense, maybe it gives her a little peace too. The Fez she was dating wasn’t an asshole at all.

“Why were you mad?” she asks quietly.

He isn’t surprised she asks, but he doesn’t want to answer either. “‘S not important.”

“Obviously it kinda is.” It comes out forceful, probably more defensive than she intended. Lexi breathes in and out again, asking in a soft tone, “Did I ever say something to upset you?”

“You ain’t do anything.” He shrugs. “You didn’t deserve that shit.”

“Thanks.”

Ash expects this to be it, but she moves toward the little step that raises the little porch off the ground and sits down.

“Did you at least enjoy the stuff I sent?”

She’s looking up expectantly, so Ash decides he’s gotta sit next to her. “I gave it to our neighbors.”

“Oh.”

They’re silent for another few moments. A car passes by, going much faster than the speed limit in most residential areas. He wonders if Lexi is angry at all this, but the memory of her sadness flashes in his mind.

“I figured it was my fault you were in that shitty position, so it was wrong to accept that,” he finally explains.

“You didn’t make me drink half my body weight,” Lexi scoffs. “And you’re not a piece of shit like Nate.”

That’s something, Ash supposes. He might be a piece of shit, but he’s not quite as bad as Nate Jacobs. Only up from here.

“You tellin’ me all that drinking had nothing to do with what I told you?”

Lexi shrugs and shakes her head. “Don’t worry about that. I can make my own decisions.”

That’s a lot like Fez, he thinks. Eternal caretaker. It’s weird to think that she’s younger than Cassie. As much as the O’Neills have a fucked up life, the laws of traditional family structure still applied. Fez is older, so he protects everyone. Lexi doesn’t have that luxury, and Ash thinks neither does he anymore.

“I would’ve beat his ass, by the way,” he says suddenly.

Lexi looks over with her brow raised slightly. “Nate?”

“Hell yeah. He had it comin’ putting his hands on you. But he walked away, so I figured it wasn’t necessary to fuck him up.” He realizes belatedly that his chest is a little puffed up. It deflates quickly, and he quickly tries to joke away his overconfidence. “Ion need anyone thinkin’ I’m just copying everything Fez does anyway.”

Lexi actually laughs out loud, and it feels like an overexaggerated reaction. Maybe she’s a little hysterical, given how ridiculous her day has turned out to be all thanks to him.

“You’re funny.”

They’re silent again, and Lexi starts to stand, apparently finished with this weird exercise in trust. Ash scrambles to stop her before she can get to the door. His job isn’t done, because he can just tell she’ll do the same stupid shit as Fez.

“Just call him,” he pleads.

She pauses, studying her shoes with one hand on the edge of the door.

“Did you tell him the truth?”

“Yeah,” he breathes out. “A few days ago.”

It’s not the answer she wanted. No matter how quickly she tries to cover up her reaction with a rueful smile, he sees the way her face falls clear as day. He would feel shitty too if someone he loved wouldn’t come fight for him.

(Is that why Fezco’s coldness hurts so much?)

“Well, I appreciate you telling me,” she replies with a forced politeness. “But this is between me and Fezco.”

Ash wants to tear his buzzed hair out.

“No it’s fuckin’ not! I’m involved because he’s my whole family and you comin’ into his life changed everything. If you’re out, then I gotta deal with the fuckin’ damage. But if you’re in, you better be in. He couldn’t stop talking ‘bout you for months and now it’s like he’s barely alive.”

He feels breathless, and after a few seconds he realizes he actually is. His chest is tight as it heaves in desperation. Lexi just looks back with an unreadable expression and shaking hand.

“I don’t…”

“If you were ever in love with him, call him back,” Ash begs. He’s scared now, because there’s a chance she still doesn’t come back. There’s a chance she doesn’t think it’s all worth the trouble or some shit. That would be ten times worse than the stupid stubbornness Fez suffers from. “Please. Please just don’t break his heart. I’m not a good person, but he is.”

There’s no time for Lexi to reply before he’s back on the sidewalk, out to the road, and away from her street.

-

The rest of the day, Ash sits on the couch and struggles to pay attention to the bland ass news. Faye microwaves some leftover pasta and calls it an authentic Italian night, completely oblivious to how Kitty would be offended at such a ridiculous claim in her house. Faye sets a bowl down next to him, stabbing a fork into the macaroni for him.

“You’re kind of an asshole,” she says blankly.

He turns to her with narrow eyes and a lot of pent up frustration.

“You’re kind of a dumb bitch,” he fires back.

She blinks a few times with a gigantic pout marring her features. “That’s rude.”

“What the fuck you want me to say? Thank you?” He throws his hands up and starts to push off the sofa.

“I’m just pointing it out,” Faye says plainly. “You made Lexi really sad.”

She turns back to her bowl and silently takes a few bites. As usual Faye isn’t wrong, she just doesn’t need to say it. He wants to point that out, just like every other day for the past six months, but he figures her words do sum the situation up pretty well.

Lexi’s indecipherable look from earlier could probably be labeled pretty fairly as sad, plain and simple.

“Have you talked to her?” He figures (hopes) that if Lexi is unsure about calling Fez after learning the truth, she would at least try Faye.

“No.” Damn. “But Fezco told me what happened.”

That makes him feel much worse. Somehow, he doesn’t imagine Fezco sugar coating the story as much as Lexi might. But at the very least, it’s proof of some communication from the two idiots.

“Why hasn’t he talked to her then?” he sighs. How the fuck do they manage to be so close yet so far?

“I dunno.” Faye’s fork scrapes harshly against the bowl.

“I know he asks you about this shit,” he pushes.

“He did. I told him to go by her house and he didn’t.”

Ash flops back on the couch grimacing. “What else did he say?”

“He said he would think about it, but I think he already has.” Faye’s nails tap a little pattern on her plastic water cup. Sobering up has made her a hell of a lot more expressive, and Ash can’t ignore how sure she is. Not to mention how hurt she looks.

“Shit.”

“Shit,” she agrees. “You think I should go talk to her?”

As much as the suggestion has her perking up, Ash is not about to start prioritizing her mood over the truth.

“Fuck no.”

“This sucks.” Faye deflates again, hunching over the table and pushing around the last few noodles in her bowl. “She was like a cool little sister. Or older sister. Like, how old is she again?”

Ash fights not to roll his eyes. Her full name is Alexandra Rose Howard, she’s 17, she just finished her junior year of high school, she’s lactose intolerant. Listening to Fez for five fuckin’ seconds would tell you all that.

“You think if they got back together he would forgive me?” he asks quietly. Faye might be the only person in the world that could have that insight, despite how oblivious she always is.

She thinks for a few moments, pursing her lips and taking a deep breath before finally just shrugging her shoulders.

“I think I would forgive you after a while. But I think they’re different than, like, me and Custer were.”

No shit.

“Coulda fooled me,” he grumbles. “Ion know what to do.”

“I’ll help if you get me ice cream,” she offers.

“Fine.”

He marches off to the kitchen, yanking the untouched dairy-free ice cream out of the freezer.

“You think putting on a bunch of those cheesy ass romantic movies would do a subliminal messaging thing on him?” he calls. It feels a little stupid, but even the simplest solutions can work.

“Maybe.” It echoes back to his ears, but already sounds a little distant. “Can we watch Pretty Woman first?”

“Whatever.” He kinda hates that fucking movie, but Julia Roberts reminds him of Lexi. If old ass Richard Gere can win her back, Fez has gotta stand a chance.