Archive of Our Own

“Sunoo hyung, I still don’t see the issue.”

Sunoo bites back a groan, the heels of his palm digging into his eyes out of frustration before his hands travel upward, fingers scraping through his hair. He thinks of any other way he could possibly explain, but comes up short. It’s not a rare occurrence, he just happens to be more stressed than he normally is and lacks an adequate amount of patience.

“Jungwon-ah,” Sunoo sits down on the couch, taking a break from his pacing. “In just one week, it’s going to be three months. Three months since we’ve started dating.”

Jungwon’s round cat-like eyes blink at him, expression blank and not displaying any more understanding than it was half an hour ago when Sunoo first came trudging out of his room. “You haven’t given me anything more to go off of other than that, though.” His voice is gentle, but Sunoo can tell that he’s growing increasingly skeptical of whether there’s an actual issue or if it’s just him catastrophizing.

It’s a fair rebuttal, and to be honest, Sunoo really hadn’t provided any context. There is an actual reason why he’s acting like this, but speaking it would make him feel incredibly pathetic. He supposes he’s already come as far as telling Jungwon there’s something bothering him, and might as well just throw all caution to the wind and blurt it out, but a hugely irrational part of his brain is doing an amazing job at convincing him he’s being stupid and selfish.

But then he thinks of what it would be like to meet Sunghoon for their three month anniversary without having any clarity whatsoever, and even theorizing about going in blind scares him more than risking sounding dumb to Jungwon, his best friend who’s watched him cry over dramas at four in the morning while clutching a tub of mint chocolate ice cream to his chest, ever could.

So Sunoo swallows his pride and slumps into the couch cushions, head falling onto the backrest and lolling to the side to face Jungwon, who props his elbow up and leans his cheek into his hand. “You don’t think I’m ridiculous for being in a relationship for three months and not going any further than a kiss on the cheek?”

Jungwon’s gaze softens and he seems to understand much more clearly now. “Is that what this is about?”

Sunoo sighs, fingers picking at a loose thread on his shirt. “I just feel weird. Like, we cuddle in his bed. I’ve spent the night at his place multiple times since we started dating, but I can’t even muster enough courage to give him a peck on the lips.”

Jungwon hums sympathetically, lips pursed. “Well, is it about not having courage, or are you not comfortable with it? You don’t have to want those things even if you’re going out with him now.”

“...I think about it a lot more than I used to, and it’s not because he’s asked me to consider doing anything more. Sunghoonie hyung is amazing, you know that. He’s like, more respectful and understanding and kind than I feel like I deserve. And whenever I think about that, I start wondering what it would be like to be more… intimate, I guess.”

Jungwon crosses his arms over his chest, reclining against the arm of the couch and stretching his legs out so they splay over Sunoo’s lap. He wiggles his toes unconsciously as he thinks, looking up at the ceiling and puffing his cheeks up with air. “I’m sure there are plenty of non ace or aro couples who take things slow, too. You shouldn’t feel like you have to catch up with anyone, isn’t that exactly why having a queer-platonic relationship is different from a traditional couple?” 

Sunoo racks his brain and can’t find any reasonable counterargument. At the very beginning, before they even went on their first date, Sunghoon had sat him down and suggested they talk to set boundaries. Sunoo suspected it would have been difficult for him to have to lead the conversation, but Sunghoon had been so kind and so gentle that it was impossible for him to feel alone.

It had taken a while, maybe even a couple hours, but Sunoo knows now that if they hadn’t had that discussion at the very beginning, there probably would’ve been months of him worrying and stressing himself out before he could work up the nerve to say something. There were moments throughout when he repeatedly had to stop his voice from wavering or join his hands together on his lap to prevent them from shaking, and Sunghoon would immediately come to his side to comfort him. He had initially sat across from him to make sure he had enough room to speak without feeling crowded or pressured, but after half an hour Sunoo ended up asking him to just remain sitting next to him. 

He hadn’t expected it to be so difficult, but it was a strangely vulnerable experience. After he made it known to his friends that he was ace and aro, Sunoo mostly refrained from talking about it. Outside of Niki, there weren’t too many people in his inner circle who shared common ground or similar experiences and he felt any attempts to explain how he felt would be a wasted effort. He supposes he should have braced himself a little better, since it was literally the first time he was verbalizing his fears.

They didn’t just talk about his limits, like what made him uncomfortable and what he wasn’t quite ready for. Sunghoon asked him for help on understanding everything better, if Sunoo thought he might be harboring any misconceptions that he wanted to clarify. It was at that point that he ended up crying a little, unable to prevent the first tear forming and sliding down his cheek after desperately clinging to the small cloud of moisture under his lids.

The two of them joke about it now (ie. Sunoo relentlessly teasing Sunghoon about it, and the latter taking it because he’s hopelessly whipped), but Sunghoon had panicked a little, rushing to ask if he had said something wrong and repeating, “why, why why?” several times. Sunoo had shaken his head and choked out a laugh, managing to get out that it wasn’t a bad cry. Sunghoon had relaxed, but still asked if Sunoo wanted to stop and continue another time.

They only spoke for a little while longer, but it was mostly Sunoo questioning Sunghoon at that point. One of his biggest insecurities was that he wouldn’t be able to provide enough of a relationship- relationship. That eventually Sunghoon would grow tired of him if he didn’t ever want physical intimacy. Sunghoon had taken both of his hands and looked him dead in the eye, bleeding with sincerity. “This is the most important thing to me,” he had said. Their knees were knocking together, no longer sitting parallel to the table with just their chests angled toward each other, but completely turned to face one another. “I’m never going to find a relationship as real or wonderful as the one I have with you. I don’t care if it’s friendship or marriage, Sunoo, having you in my life like this is all I can ask for.”

Sunoo can’t stop the warmth spreading from the tips of his ears down to his toes as he reminisces. Jungwon had momentarily stopped speaking, which Sunoo silently thanks him for since he’s not sure how much he would have retained. But he continues now with his full attention. 

“I know it’s not the same, but I feel like my most intimate moments with Jay hyung were about being emotionally vulnerable and not physically close. That’s something that made me jealous of you and Sunghoon hyung before you even started dating. You guys are so good at being honest with each other. I swear you have some sort of telepathy, you always know when something’s wrong.” Sunoo laughs under his breath, Jungwon smiling fondly at him. “If you’re scared about it, just talk to him. Even if he knows that it’s something you might want, Sunghoon hyung won’t force you to get there any quicker. I bet just being with you makes him happier than you could imagine.”

Sunoo warms upon hearing Jungwon’s last words, because that’s exactly how being with Sunghoon has made him feel. They’ve been together for a quarter of a year, but it feels like their first date was over a decade ago. 

He had never imagined himself as someone who even wanted to go on dates, but now, every time their designated date night rolls around, Sunoo finds himself itching to get home and shower at the speed of light so he can drive to Sunghoon’s apartment. Most of the time it’s something simple, like the two of them struggling to cook something decent together, and then eating it without complaint because they were too distracted by each other to focus on the taste anyways.

Sunoo had never once hypothesized that he would feel paralyzed every time Sunghoon stared at him with the utmost admiration and called him a pet name that made the hairs on the back of his neck stand up from how infatuated he was.

It’s not that different from their relationship before, yet everything feels new and exciting, and charged with some energy that brings a smile to Sunoo’s face at any hour of the day whenever he thinks of Sunghoon. Coming to understand his own feelings felt like the most wonderful revelation– Sunoo feels like his eyes have been opened to a world of emotions and sensations he wasn’t capable of learning until Sunghoon told him how. 

The best way he can think to put it is this: the human eye, without augmentation, can only gauge a specific range of color. It’s literally impossible for the brain to conceptualize what colors outside of that set range would look like. There are two “forbidden colors” that, due to their light frequencies, create imperceivable hues: red-green and yellow-blue. It’s funny to Sunoo, because yellow-blue sounds like another word for green– but it’s not. Unlike green, which seeps into all natural life and gives way to new growth, yellow-blue is intangible: unreachable. Sunghoon’s light helps him see the world in every hue of that color. His yellow-blue.

He supposes there are still shades he’s yet to unlock, though.

“I want to know him. All of him. If that means taking it one step at a time, I guess we’ll get there eventually.”

Jungwon scoffs, grabbing a pillow from behind his back and tossing it at Sunoo’s chest. “How can you sound so impatient if you want to take it slowly?”

Sunoo pouts, a whine unwillingly sounding from the back of his throat. He sets the pillow on his lap, atop Jungwon’s shins. “Just because I’m trying to be honest with myself about what I want and make the right decision doesn’t mean I want it any less,” he says pointedly, eyebrows raised indignantly.

Jungwon raises his hands in surrender. “Okay, I agree.”

Sunoo pats his thighs like he’s praising a small child, muttering a quiet, “Good,” before grabbing the remote and switching through the channels mindlessly. “How are things with you and Jongseong hyung, though?”

Jungwon sighs dreamily, eyes nearly clouding over with stars. “I feel like I could marry him tomorrow and it wouldn’t be too soon.”

Sunoo hums, settling on a show he likes. “Not just yet. He told me he’s planning a Chuseok proposal.”

“Really?” Jungwon turns to him, eyes blown wide. “Ah!” His fingers soothe over his hair when Sunoo immediately cuffs him on the back of his head with a disdainful glance. “Point taken. Damnit,” he clicks his tongue, still holding his head. “Strong blow. Anyways, we’re doing really well. He’s getting busier, since the new term just started and he’s basically spending his entire week at the studio. It’s hard, but that’s what I get for falling for a film major.”

“What if he dedicated his student film to you? Then you’d really be stuck in it for life,” Sunoo teases, flashing a look of playful warning to Jungwon.
He only brushes it off, bottom lip sticking out smugly. “When was I ever not?”

Sunoo groans, rolling his eyes. He pokes Jungwon’s twin dimples with his pinky, watching them grow deeper. “Look at how cheeky this kid is. Who raised you to be this bold?”

“Jay hyung.”

Sunoo brought that one onto himself, really.

When Jake shows up at Sunghoon’s front door with a wary look on his face, he knows exactly what happened. It’s not the first time, but tonight’s the first time that Sunoo is also present.

He crosses the threshold and toes his shoes off, finally lifting his gaze up from the floor and noticing Sunoo marking his page in the book he was reading. Jake’s mouth falls open and he turns to Sunghoon to apologize and excuse himself when Sunoo smiles gently, placing the book on the table.

“Want something to drink, hyung?”

Jake returns his smile gratefully, shaking his head no and allowing Sunghoon to lead him toward the couch. “Sorry for interrupting.”

Sunghoon shrugs, heading to the kitchen to grab a drink anyways after Jake settles. “We really weren’t doing anything, why would you be interrupting?”

Sunoo verbalizes his agreement, reaching over to nudge Jake’s knee with his hand. “Yeah. You make us sound like one of those couples that acts like no one else exists when they’re together.”

“You shouldn’t make fun of Jungwon and Jay behind their backs,” Jake scolds lightly, making Sunoo laugh.

Sunghoon observes him quietly, silently glad that he’s in good enough shape to at least make jokes this time around. He still looks tired though, smile not sitting quite right on his face. When Jake slumps back into the couch, his hoodie bunches up, engulfing his small body entirely. It’s much too big to be his own.

As he joins the other two with a beer in hand, he doesn’t bother sugar-coating anything, asking bluntly, “Did he send you off or did you sneak out?”

Jake takes the drink from him immediately, taking the beer by the neck and letting out a choked laugh before swallowing down a large gulp. He stares off into space, the condensation on the bottle making his hand feel just as cold and numb as he does on the inside. “Left while he was in the shower. Didn’t wanna stick around for the post-coital aftermath.”

Sunoo raises an eyebrow as Jake raises the bottle to his mouth again, adam’s apple bobbing dangerously fast. “What, is hyung cold to you?”

“Not at all.” Jake refuses to meet either of their eyes, body facing forward and sandwiched between Sunoo and Sunghoon, who both sit facing him. “He’s nice.” The rest of his sentence goes unspoken. Too nice for comfort. Too familiar. “It’s easier for both of us when he doesn’t have to wake up next to me, isn’t it? I realized after about the first… dozen times that if I kept staying the night, there’d be no going back.”

He sighs, some of the tension leaving his shoulders as he closes his eyes. Sunoo glances in Sunghoon’s direction, silently urging him to say something. He was well aware of the situation– though at this point he’s certain all of them are, even without talking about it with each other– but Sunghoon still remained Jake’s point person when it came to Heeseung. It was why letting Jake crash at his small one-bedroom was instinct, the Saturday nights he spent with the other more common than without.

“How long will you keep doing this to yourself, Jake?” Sunghoon grabs Jake’s limp wrist and removes the beer from his hand, setting it on the table as Sunoo makes himself comfortable against his other side, resting his chin in the junction between Jake’s neck and shoulder.

Jake makes eye contact for the first time since he showed up, tilting his head to face Sunoo, who looks up at him with nearly the kindest eyes he’s ever seen.

“Until he asks me to stop.”

Sunghoon rubs his eyes, some of the frustration he always refrains from acting on in Jake’s presence nipping at his skin. He’s glad Sunoo is here to be the comfort he can’t provide, rubbing small circles onto Jake’s arm with his thumb as he forces himself to bite his tongue. 

Sunghoon being the first person that Jake comes to after he meets with Heeseung means he’s all too familiar with every aspect of their arrangement. He’s witnessed every mood swing, and suspects he’s a little too close to their case to be emotionally objective, often feeling victim to the same highs and lows Jake is subjected to.

There are times when he shows up ragged and flushed, like he had ran all the way to Sunghoon’s apartment in his rush to escape, and others when he all but collapses into his arms, on the verge of tears. Sometimes he knows better than to say anything and just grabs a pillow for Jake to use, but on the nights he forces Jake to tell him what happened, it’s nearly always the same story. Heeseung calls him first, Jake shows up without a second thought. Even if it starts as just hanging out, it always leads to the same thing, and ends the same way. 

It makes him itch with now ill-disguised impatience, waiting for Jake to do something. If Sunghoon is being rational though, he knows it’s not only Heeseung’s fault. Jake’s just as bad, if anything. If he ever stayed through the morning, there would be enough time for one of them to finally take action, and knowing how stubborn Jake is, it would be Heeseung who says something first, given the opportunity.

He hasn’t bothered to push Jake on it yet. He’s capable enough of understanding that tough love isn’t what he’s looking for, nor is it what he needs. But Sunghoon is also aware of what Jake is too blinded by haste to see– that Heeseung will never ask him to stop, and he certainly won’t do so himself. If he wasn’t somewhat experienced with being an idiot in love himself, he wouldn’t hesitate to judge the both of them for being too stupid to confess.

“Ningning is throwing a birthday party for Karina noona in a few weeks. You guys are going, right?”

Sunghoon doesn’t comment on Jake’s apparent change in subject, deciding instead to just indulge him, laying a hand on his head and ruffling his bangs. “Yeah, we were planning on it. Couldn’t really miss the event of the year, could we?”

Jake doesn’t respond, allowing himself to soak in the warmth emanating from both figures. He laughs then, opening his eyes fully. “You guys are good at this. I feel lucky.” His hands find rest at the back of his neck, a lazy smile gracing his lips. “Who else in the world has an emotional support Sunoo?”

“Just you. You really are lucky, I’m the best at what I do.”

Sunghoon can’t help but feel an overwhelming burst of affection for Sunoo. It amazes him how easily he takes care of the people around him, knowing exactly what to do or say. He does it so naturally that it’s not really worth commenting on every single time, because then Sunghoon would never shut up; Sunoo would pick a piece of lint off Jungwon’s sweater, or toss a bag of jellies into the cart when they go shopping together because he knows Niki loves them, or he would tap Heeseung’s arm to let him know his shoe was untied and Sunghoon would be seconds away from singing like a bird, but he doesn’t because he knows everyone would find him insufferable.

On occasion though, he ends up just staring at Sunoo. Most of the time, he does it without realizing, zoning out with his eyes zeroed in on the younger. Sunghoon knows his focus is completely locked in now, following every miniscule movement, every fluttering eyelash. It’s not long before Sunoo notices, the corners of his lips quirking up into a small smile. 

“Hyung. Sunghoonie hyung picked me up earlier, so Jungwon was going to be my ride home. Do you want to come with us so you can go back to your place after he drops me off or would you rather stay here?”

Jake hums, shoving his hands into the front pocket of his hoodie, one that Sunghoon now clearly remembers to be Heeseung’s. “I’ll probably ride with you. I think I need to sleep this off. Think about it in the morning.”

Sunoo nods, pulling out his phone to text Jungwon. “He was going to come in an hour, but to be honest I was already falling asleep too, so I’ll tell him to leave now.”

Jake nods slightly, too emotionally drained to put much of a fight up against the sleepy haze pulling his eyelids shut. Sunghoon can tell the second he’s dead to the world less than a minute later, breaths coming out slow and steady and head lolled to the side. He sighs, grabbing the throw blanket folded across the back of the couch and tucking Jake in.

Sunoo watches him, standing up when Sunghoon uncrosses his legs and slides onto his feet, circling around the couch to join him. He squeezes the older’s hand, his other rested on his chest.

“You’re a good friend,” Sunoo murmurs. As much as he knows Sunghoon’s endless praises are nothing short of genuine, Sunoo thinks he forgets how much he does himself. Moments like these, when it’s clear his inclination to put absolutely everyone’s needs before his own has taken a toll on him, remind Sunoo to return some of the affirmation he always receives.

Sunghoon lets out a short exhale, using his own free hand to tuck a fly-away hair behind Sunoo’s ear. “So is he. So is Heeseung hyung.” His hand trails down to rest on Sunoo’s cheek. “They’re just not the brightest pair.” The latter snorts, Sunghoon’s front teeth peek out between his lips, his smile an automatic reaction to match Sunoo’s. He tugs on his hand, leading him away from a now sprawled-out, sleeping Jake. “Come on. You can take a nap until Jungwon comes, I’ll wake you up when he calls.”

Sunoo nods, letting himself to be pulled to his bedroom. When he climbs up onto the mattress, he uses his grip on Sunghoon to drag him down with him, the older laughing and happily allowing Sunoo to rearrange his limbs like a ragdoll until he’s satisfied with their position. He ends up with Sunoo laying between his legs, chest to chest, with his arms looped around his waist. Sunoo leans into his body, wiggling around like a little fox trying to burrow in and giggling when Sunghoon flips them both onto their side and takes hold of his wrists to forcibly wrap both their arms around his torso in order to keep him still.

When Sunoo turns back to face Sunghoon, he sees him already looking at him. It occurs to Sunoo that there are probably a rare few moments that Sunghoon’s eyes aren’t on him when they’re together, and the thought sends a small shiver down his spine.

He would never admit it out loud, least of all to Sunghon’s face (he has a massive ego), but being the center of his attention fills Sunoo with a sick sense of satisfaction. On surface level, it makes him smile and blush like a school boy with a crush. But on a deeper level, he loves feeling Sunghoon’s love. 

“You’re a menace, you know that?”

Sunoo all but preens, nuzzling into Sunghoon’s neck and rubbing his nose against his skin. His voice falls to a slight whisper. “You kind of like it, though.”

“Just a little bit. Don’t tell anyone.”

Their chests rise and fall in sync, each lungful of air accompanied by a whiff of Sunghoon’s scent penetrating his senses. Sunoo hums contentedly, sending vibrations into his body.

“But by the way… are you seriously not going to tell me what we’re doing for our anniversary? It’s in two days and you haven’t given me any clue.”

Sunghoon raises an eyebrow. “What? You want to know if we’re going to some posh restaurant that Jay frequents? Or, if I’m going to take you on a shopping spree until both of us can’t stand anymore?”

Sunoo shifts until their bodies are no longer pressed chest to back, sliding out from his arms to face Sunghoon instead. He rests his cheek rested on his palm, Sunghoon mirroring his position.

“You know I don’t need any of that. I mean, I wouldn’t mind shopping until I drop.” Sunoo’s fingers mindlessly toy with the drawstrings of Sunghoon’s hoodie. “Just being with you will be more than enough. I just don’t do well with surprises,” he mumbles sulkily, speaking through a pout.

Sunghoon’s eyes crinkle up in an endeared smile as he coos at the younger. He looks so perfect like this, gorgeous even without any makeup or styling. His platinum gray hair falls in strands onto his forehead, natural and messy. Sunoo feels tempted to run his hands through it just to pull him closer, but then he doesn’t know what he might do. It’s not like his first kiss was any special set up, even if it was with Sunghoon. It was still just a small peck in the middle of his friend’s living room floor surrounded by a dozen other kids. He wants one that could actually mean something to him, and Sunoo is certain that if it’s with Sunghoon (again), under these new, entirely different circumstances, there’s no way it wouldn’t; but he’d still prefer if it happened when he wasn’t too sleep-ridden to think completely straight.

“If it’s any consolation, it’s nothing dramatic. Unfortunately, I’m still on a college student’s budget. But it’ll be memorable, if nothing else. Hopefully.”

All it takes is one glance for Sunoo to see the unbridled excitement and anticipation brimming in his eyes. He reaches down and interlaces their fingers, bringing the back of Sunghoon’s hand to his lips before holding it over his heart.

“It’s going to be amazing. Thank you, hyung.”

“Of course, baby.”

“I’ll call you later, okay? Get home safely, all of you.”

Sunoo closes the backseat door behind Jake and turns around to say his own goodbye, but before he can even open his mouth, Jungwon rolls the window down and sticks his head out.

“Byee, Sunghoon hyung~ I’ll miss you so much, my sweet teenage Adonis boyfriend. I can’t wait to see you again on our special wonderful anniversary–”

“Jungwon-ah, if you don’t shut up now I’ll show Jay hyung that video of you getting drunk and dancing to the Shakira song from the furry movie,” Sunoo threatens sweetly, bending down so he can stare directly into Jungwon’s eyes. 

He tuts, rolling his eyes. “You’re no fun. Hurry up and say bye already, he’s not going into war.”

Sunoo sticks his tongue out and pulls his face away from the open window as Jungwon begins humming ‘Try Everything’ from Zootopia. Sunghoon chuckles when he sees the sullen expression on his face and ruffles his hair, the shorter groaning and leaning into his touch. His hands come up in small fists, kitty-punching at his chest.

“How come he’s making fun of me, he’s the insufferable one! You know yesterday, he was on a call with Jay hyung for like three hours, and ended up being late to meeting with me and Heeseungie hyung. I seriously don’t g–”

“I can hear you!”

“Bite me, Jungwon,” Sunoo grits through his teeth, foot kicking out from behind him to land squarely on the car door. Sunghoon listens to their exchange amusedly and doesn’t comment on Jungwon making kissy faces at them through the window behind Sunoo’s back.

Instead he drops a small kiss on the top of Sunoo’s head and tells him to text him once he’s home, stepping back to watch him get into the car.

He’s still standing there when Sunoo plops into the passenger’s seat and puts his seatbelt on, torso twisting so he can look behind and see him waving until they’re no longer in sight. The second Sunghoon’s figure becomes a tiny blob, Sunoo readjusts himself and glares daggers at Jungwon, who pointedly keeps his eyes on the road, doing a poor job of keeping a straight face.

“Yang Jungwon, I’m going to kill you.”

There’s not much that needs to happen for Sunoo to feel like he’s on cloud nine; truthfully all he needs is Sunghoon.

That’s why it’s no surprise that despite his multiple apologies that it wasn’t anything special, Sunoo feels over the moon when Sunghoon takes him to the Han River to celebrate.

On their little picnic blanket, surrounded by mounds of take out food with music flowing through shared earphones, it feels like they’ve created a little world just for themselves. The weather is just as calm as Sunoo feels, a gentle breeze rippling above the surface of the water and a just barely cloudy sky mirroring the inner wave of serenity rolling over him, forcing him to forget about anything else besides him and Sunghoon.

“Hyung,” Sunoo voices from where he’s comfortably tucked between the older’s legs. His hands hold onto Sunghoon’s forearms, the older’s limbs draped over his shoulders and joined together in front of his chest. Sunghoon had propped himself up against a tree, and the two were lounging in its shade, digesting their lunch. He hums an acknowledgement and Sunoo continues, thumb stroking Sunghoon’s arm. “You know I seriously feel like I could stay here forever.” It earns him a happy chuckle, arms squeezing him tighter. “I mean it. Do you know how happy you make me?”

Sunghoon leans down a little to whisper into his ear. “I hope I do.” He presses a soft, lingering kiss on Sunoo’s temple that has him closing his eyes and leaning into the feeling, lips whispering against his skin. “My brilliant Kim Sunoo.”

Sunoo is so, so happy. He thinks he must have done something truly spectacular in his past lives to get a chance to be with someone as wonderful as Park Sunghoon in this one. He doesn’t know how to describe the warmth that blooms in his chest each time he so much as thinks of him, the tingling blush that runs from his cheeks to his neck, painting his pale skin a rosy pink he and Sunghoon now cherish greatly.

He isn’t sure how he ever lived any other way than in Sunghoon’s hold.

It’s why he cranes his neck back to pepper tiny kisses on the corner of his jaw, reveling in the way Sunghoon’s eyes widen in surprise. Not often is Sunoo the one to initiate their kisses, mostly because it required a great amount of reflection for him to admit that even small acts of intimacy like the innocent pecks they shared was something he desired, so acting on that desire was naturally even more difficult. 

It’s hard for him to feel scared right now, though. Or rather, he’s too determined to allow his immense anxiety to stop him. Even though he fears Sunghoon might be able to feel his heart pounding against his ribcage, and his fingers shake as he reaches up to tilt Sunghoon’s head toward him, Sunoo still traces down his jawline until his chin rests between his index finger and thumb.

“Sunoo?” Sunghoon’s eyes flit over his face, dipping briefly down to his lips only to fly back up immediately, not lingering for even a second. He looks just as uncertain as Sunoo feels, but maybe that’s the deciding factor in figuring out this is exactly what they both need, because seconds later, he’s closing his eyes and angling his chin up.

It feels like it takes eternities for their lips to finally meet, Sunghoon unable to stop himself from letting out a small sigh of satisfaction at the same time Sunoo inhales sharply. It’s a little awkward, far from perfect: Sunghoon’s torso is twisted slightly and the angle is off, but then he’s pulling back just barely in order to come together again, slotting their mouths together more comfortably.

And Sunoo– Sunoo just feels like it fits. Their noses nudge together and he can feel every ticklish flutter of Sunghoon’s eyelashes against his face. For the first time, he’s breathing Sunghoon in, getting to know what it’s like to be one , learning how he moves and loves to an even greater extent. He hadn’t ever thought of what kissing someone properly would be like before, but he didn’t think it would be anything like this. It’s not the most magical, incredible, mind-blowing affair of his life, but it’s still quite nice, and definitely an improvement from his technical first kiss– which again, was him sitting there like a dead fish as Sunghoon gave him a quick peck in a room of teenage assholes (read: their best friends).

And, without question, the best part of it is that it’s Sunghoon.

Sunghoon, who had swiftly taken the lead without making Sunoo feel small for his lack of experience and guided their lips together slowly, patiently, placing a hand on his cheek. Sunghoon, who makes sure to separate after what couldn’t have been more than five seconds and make sure Sunoo is still okay.

“Was that– are you, was that okay?” Sunghoon’s eyebrows twitch nervously, his hand stroking through Sunoo’s hair before coming back down to his cheek again. 

Sunoo starts to shake his head and Sunghoon nearly dissolves into a puddle of shame, but then the younger’s entire body starts to rumble with silent laughter, and he catches sight of a bright beam before he hides his face in his hands, ducking into Sunghoon’s neck.

Sunghoon huffs out laughter, Sunoo’s shoulders still bouncing up and down. “What, what?” He questions cluelessly, hands naturally finding purchase on his waist, holding Sunoo’s body to his own even as he remains non-verbal, choosing instead to whimper quietly. “Give me words, baby,” Sunghoon presses, though now he’s laughing too. 

Sunoo finally shows his face, cheeks bunched up in a giddy smile and hands clasped over his mouth, like he’s too afraid to let his happiness show. “Good?” Sunghoon asks exasperatedly, still laughing in tune with Sunoo, despite having no idea what’s amusing him.

He finally gets a response, arms thrown around his neck and pulling him into a bone-crushing hug. “Good.”

“Yeah?”

Another burst of laughter bubbles up out of Sunoo’s throat as he nods enthusiastically. “Yeah, good. Really good, hyung.”

“What have you and Jake been doing?” is the first thing out of Sunoo’s mouth when Sunghoon comes to pick him up for Karina’s party. “For the last several hours, I might add.”

Sunghoon only lets out a heavy exhale, fingers gripping the steering wheel. “He wanted some moral support before Heeseung hyung stopped by to drive him there.” Sunoo pins him down with one look and he raises his hands in surrender, having had dealt with a fussy Jake for two hours prior. “I’m hoping it’s a good thing. He said he thought about it enough and knows what he needs to do.”

Sunoo hums sarcastically, crossing his arms over his chest. “And was he pre-gaming?”

“…Maybe.”

“Goddamnit, hyung.”

Thankfully, when the two of them arrive, Jake is still very much in tact and in… questionable condition.

The second Sunghoon crosses the threshold, he’s greeted by an armful of Jake, who had thrown himself at him and Sunoo and enveloped them both in a hug. He pulls away, mouth stretched into a toothy grin and face glowing with a healthy flush.

“You guys made it!” He nearly shouts, just slightly too loud even with music blasting through speakers and nearby chatter. Jake holds a classic red plastic cup, his hair both ruffled and matted to his face with sweat. 

It’s then that Sunghoon notices what he’s wearing.

Sunoo seems to have realized too, if his incredulous smile is any indication. “Hyung, you look great!”

When Sunghoon left, Jake was still barefaced in a flannel and jeans, but now shadow dusts his lids, fingers decked out in stacks of rings, and he’s changed into ripped jeans that hug his legs nicely. Most impressively, he’s wearing–

“A crop top? I didn’t even know you owned this,” Sunghoon laughs, reaching out to finger the material. Jake only shrugs. Even with how hyped up he is, there’s a relaxed manner to his movement. It dawns on Sunghoon. “Dude, did you take something?”

Jake answers him with a sly half-smile, holding up his fingers and pinching them together. “A little?” He giggles, brushing it off with a wave of his hand, “No, Soobin brought something, I only took a couple hits.

Sunoo chooses his words carefully, not wanting to burst Jake’s happy bubble. “And would that have anything to do with…?”

Jake shakes his head, making an ‘x’ with his fingers. “I’m here at a party with my friends,” he sighs contentedly, slotting himself between Sunoo and Sunghoon, wrapping his arms around both their shoulders. “I’m going to have fun with my friends,” he continues, walking them forward and away from the door, “and I’m definitely going to dance with my friends. Wait, Yeonjun hyung! I gotta go, save me a song, okay?”

He’s off before either of them can get another word in, bounding off to join Yeonjun on the dance floor. Just off to the side, Sunghoon can spot an apprehensive looking Heeseung, engaged in conversation with Jay and Jungwon while keeping his eyes locked on Jake.

Sunoo follows his line of sight, the two of them observing how their eldest hyung doesn’t even try to hide his staring, clearly unaware of his surroundings. Squeezing his arm and tilting his head toward the kitchen, Sunoo says, “I’ll get us drinks. Come get me when you’re done, okay?”

Sunghoon nods, glad Sunoo is capable of practically reading his mind, and starts making his way to Heeseung. Jay and Jungwon had since departed, leaving Heeseung alone in contemplation.

“Enjoying yourself?” He asks, Heeseung’s eyes snapping up to him. Sunghoon sits down, Heeseung scooting over on the couch to make room for him.

He takes a sip from his drink before responding, unable to tear his eyes away from Jake, who was laughing as Yeonjun began dancing with reckless abandon to a Doja song. “He told me he wanted to quit hooking up. Too complicated.” It takes Sunghoon by surprise, and his mouth falls open at the clipped answer. He stays silent as Heeseung scoffs, bringing his cup up to his lips, pausing before he drinks to continue, “Said he didn’t think we would stay close friends if we kept going. Didn’t want to risk it.”

Sunghoon finally finds his voice when he begins gulping down the remainder of his beverage. “And how do you feel? I know it doesn’t look like it, but it probably wasn’t easy for him to do that.”

“I know he likes me.” Heeseung smiles, bitterly. “I just don’t know if that’s enough. For him, at least.”

Sunghoon’s follow up comes straight away, though he thinks he already knows the answer. “Do you like him?”

His eyes seek Jake out in the crowd again, clouded with some unspoken emotion. “Yeah, I do. I always have.”

That makes Sunghoon hesitate, caught off-guard for the first time. “Always? Even when…?”

“Even when,” Heeseung affirms, knowing exactly what Sunghoon was going to ask. It makes him squirm guiltily, and he notices immediately, slapping a hand down on his knee with a gentle smile. “It wasn’t my place to get between you two. You both needed something convenient, a guaranteed thing. I think if I told him I wanted that and more, it would’ve been even worse than it is now. You were both what the other needed at the time.”

Sunghoon hums. Heeseung was always thinking of others, staying level-headed even when his own feelings are at play. Even after years of friendship, his maturity still surprises him. “He talked to me about it.”

“Of course he did,” Heeseung laughs, not looking betrayed but amused. Sunghoon can’t help but snort, elbows on his knees as he leans forward. Heeseung looks up at him with a lazy smile, head tilted back to rest on the couch cushion. 

“I just mean, he does like you. A lot. If you let him know now that you want what you had, and more… it could be everything he needs.”

From across the room, Sunghoon locates Sunoo easily, taking less than a second to sort through the bustling crowd and lock eyes with him. Sunoo holds two cups, freeing just one finger to wave at him discreetly before returning to his conversation with Niki.

It’s a short interaction, hardly an important one, but it makes Sunghoon feel like he’s falling in love all over again nonetheless. It’s why he knows despite doing his best to hide his emotions, Heeseung can’t be happy. Because he feels the exact same way Sunghoon does, but he’s not able to do anything about it. Unlike Sunghoon, he can’t walk up to Jake and hold his hands, and tell him how much he loves him.

“Hyung.” 

Heeseung turns to face him, looking like he wants to be anywhere but here. And it makes sense, because Jake has just started to pull Taehyun and Jaebeom in as well, forcing them to join the happy circle of people surrounding him. He looks like the life of the party, and Heeseung feels like it’s just a representation of his world, looking at him and laughing in his face. His world revolves around Jaeyun. When Sunghoon speaks again, it’s barely loud enough for him to hear, as if it was a secret just for the two of them, something only they would understand. 

“Go get him.”

That’s all the encouragement it takes for Heeseung to push himself to his feet and disappear into the mass of people, becoming another planet in Jake’s orbit.

And the second Sunghoon is alone, he makes a beeline for Sunoo, not once having to stop and push past anyone. He’s by his side in seconds, Niki having had seen him coming and excusing himself with a cheeky wink. Sunoo deposits their drinks onto a counter, looking up at him with twinkling eyes when he comes to a stop in front of him.

“Hey.”

“Hi, sweetheart,” Sunghoon murmurs, arms wrapping around Sunoo’s waist and holding him snug to his body. 

“What, what’s this for?” Sunoo teases, leaning into him anyway. 

His hands come up to rest on his chest, playing with the collar of his button up. Sunghoon only smiles, leaning down until their faces are centimeters apart, silently asking for permission. Sunoo complies, closing the distance between them in a soft kiss, just a gentle brush of their lips. When his eyes open, he sees the dopey expression on Sunghoon’s face as Sunghoon removes his arms from his waist to hold both of his hands between their bodies. Then he sighs, letting their laced fingers dangle together at their sides, thumbs moving in small circles on the back of his hands. 

“You’re certainly in a mood. What, did–”

“I love you.”

Sunoo’s eyes widen into saucers, freezing in place. He raises his eyebrows as if to ask, “ me? ” and Sunghoon only nods, letting go of his hands to gather him into a hug, chin finding its place atop his head.

“I love you a lot, Kim Sunoo.”

A disbelieving chuckle, and then arms are flying up to squeeze Sunghoon so tight he nearly gasps in surprise, Sunoo using the full force of his body to hug him back.
“You’re an idiot, Park Sunghoon. I can’t believe you’re mine.”

“Your idiot?” Sunghoon asks into the top of his head. “I can live with that.”

There’s a beat of silence. Sunoo all but melts into his body, but he can practically hear his thoughts. With the time they’ve been together in addition to the much longer time they’ve been friends, Sunghoon has had all the time in the world to get in tune with Sunoo’s body, and he’s accustomed with all his signs– even one tiny muscle tenses up and Sunghoon knows to bring Sunoo water because he always gets thirsty when he’s nervous. Sunoo responds to a text in short sentences and Sunghoon knows there’s something upsetting him and to give him space before they talk. 

He knows Sunoo inside and out, which is why he’s already anticipating it when Sunoo mumbles, “Hyung. You know I–”

“I know.” Sunghoon pulls back, making sure Sunoo can see he’s being sincere. He can’t help but smile again, watching as the worry slowly dissipates from his face. “I know, Sunoo-yah.”

Sunoo studies his face, taking him in for another minute just to be certain Sunghoon wasn’t hurt by his hesitance. “Are you sure?”

“I’m sure. I just wanted to make sure you still knew.”

Part of adjusting to their new relationship was Sunoo feeling too scared to take control of his own life. His friendship with Sunghoon had always been one of equal reciprocity and being in a queer-platonic relationship was no different, but that nagging feeling never quite leaves. He still feels like he’s seconds away from messing up one of the best things that ever happened to him, and so even though going from friends to partners wasn’t a huge change overall, Sunoo had held himself back in one regard.

Since they started dating, Sunoo had stopped saying ‘I love you.’ Three simple words that he often tells all his friends, but couldn’t quite bring himself to say to Sunghoon quite yet. It was a different situation than before, he reasons with himself. There is some truth to his concern, and he thinks his fear must have been obvious, because up until now, Sunghoon had followed his lead as well, never putting any pressure on him.

Sunoo hadn’t thought about how hard that must have been for him until now though; it wasn’t only him that was finally getting what he wanted when they began dating, but also Sunghoon, who had waited for a lot longer than he had to make sure it happened the right way, when both of them were ready. It must have felt constricting to still not be able to entirely act on his feelings, and just thinking about it only reinforces Sunoo’s apprehension that he wouldn’t be able to be what Sunghoon truly needed.

But then he’s brought back to the present and he realizes that Sunghoon, like himself, is still a grown man capable of making his own decisions. It may have been with Sunoo in mind, but Sunghoon still made the choice to not say anything until now; it wasn’t something he had asked him to do, not something he had demanded. At the end of the day, in spite of all his doubts and insecurities, Sunghoon is someone who also made the decision to wait as long as it took for Sunoo to figure out if he even felt the same way about him– someone who respects him and is willing to sacrifice for him, but is also incredibly self-aware and who always listens to his own intuition.

So he has absolutely no reason to question Sunghoon’s motivations for telling him he loves him now. After the journey it took to get to where they are now, here, still in the beginning of a very new and fragile relationship, Sunghoon is too smart to risk that by doing something he knew would cross one of Sunoo’s boundaries. He hadn’t said anything because there was something to gain out of it; he truly just wanted Sunoo to know that he loved him. Still loved him, like he always had.

Strangely, it’s exactly the reassurance Sunoo needs, and he finds that at once, all the ugly voices in his head are quieted, and he can’t bring himself to validate a single one of his insecurities anymore. It puts a quiet smile on his face, to know that Sunghoon’s love was so powerful it could so easily put all his worries to rest, and that he was the only one who would ever get to experience it this way. He could so easily develop a terrible superiority complex if he thinks about it any longer.

Sunghoon, of course, immediately notices him smiling and cocks his head to the side like a curious little puppy. “What?”

“Nothing,” Sunoo shakes his head, wrapping both his arms around Sunghoon’s torso in a side hug as he waddles them out of the kitchen back toward the party. “Just you.”

The rest of the party is pretty typical, but a brilliant celebration and a silly fun night regardless. Sunghoon doesn’t get a chance to catch up with Heeseung or Jake again, but he catches glimpses of them together throughout the night, so he figures nothing went too horribly between them. 

Eventually, Minjeong brings out the cake and everyone gathers in the living room, letting only the candles illuminate the dark. Sometime during the happy birthday song, Sunoo’s hand seeks Sunghoon’s out and holds on tight. People take out their phones to record, but even when all eyes are on Karina, all Sunghoon can think about is how beautiful Sunoo looks in the candlelight. If Jay was next to him, he’d probably tell Sunghoon how sickening he finds him, but since he’s not, he allows himself to openly ogle his partner.

Then the candles get blown out and the lights are turned on, everyone clapping their hands and shouting their congratulations. Instead of letting go, Sunghoon simply claps with Sunoo’s hand still in his, making the shorter of the two roll his eyes teasingly.

“It’s getting late, I want to go talk to Jungwon and Jay hyung and make sure one of them is sober enough to drive before I lose them again,” Sunoo says to Sunghoon once everyone disperses. 

“If you see Niki, ask him if he wants a ride home, too. I’m going to see if I can find one of our little lovebirds.”

Sunoo nods and sends him off with a quick squeeze to his hand. It doesn’t take long for him to find both of his targets upstairs, Jake practically sitting on top of Heeseung as they converse in a small circle of people. His arms are wrapped around his shoulders as he laughs freely, leaning into him each time.

Jake is the one to spot him first, eyes lighting up as he waves him over. “Sunghoon!”

He offers a small smile as he approaches, shooting Heeseung a questioning glance. He receives a barely perceivable shake of the head, and if Sunghoon hadn’t seen it, the slight downturn of his lips would be enough to tip him off.

“Jake,” he says instead, reaching out to shake his hand. “Having fun?”

“Yeah, man,” the brunette replies, slipping into English. It was a habit of his even when he was sober, but one of his most common mannerisms when he was tipsy, and clearly one Heeseung finds adorable based on the way he’s looking at Jake. “I don’t think I’ll make it to our Saturday morning run.”

Sunghoon laughs, reaching down to pat his head. “I’m not sure Jay and I will either, don’t worry.”

Jake giggles, looking like a happy little puppy as he nods in understanding. “Are you thinking of heading out soon? I haven’t gotten to dance with you yet.”

Sunghoon hums affirmatively, sticking his hands in his pockets. “I think it’ll be another fifteen at most before I’m drained for good. I’m not as young as I used to be.”

“Younger than I am,” Jake snickers. His hands are toying with the hair at the base of Heeseung’s neck as the latter listens in on the other conversations in their small gathering with a hand loosely holding his waist, though Sunghoon isn’t sure whether either of them even realize. Jake also tended to get clingy when he was drunk. Not nearly as much as Sunghoon, but enough to provide ample competition.

“Yeah well, we’re figuring out rides right now. Actually, hyung, you might want to talk to Jay since you guys came together. I’m not sure how many drivers we have left standing,” Sunghoon addresses Heeseung, who nods and moves to stand. He gently detaches Jake’s hands, which trail down his shoulders and refuse to let go of his wrist until the very last second, and follows Sunghoon downstairs. “God hyung, you’re worse than I am.”

“Don’t start,” Heeseung hisses, eyes flashing a dangerous warning even though Sunghoon is on the verge of breaking down into a fit of laughter. “Do you know how miserable I have been for the last several hours? I walked up to him to see if we could talk, but the first thing he did was pull me into a slow dance and tell me how grateful he was toward me and a whole mess of other shit. It was the most painful non-confession I’ve ever received.”

“That’s not so bad,” Sunghoon reasons, descending the last of the stairs behind Heeseung. 

Heeseung whirls around, stopping him before he can step down the last one. “It was hardly a song made for slow dancing, and slow dancing is a generous description for what was happening considering the proximity and provocative nature,” he deadpans, sighing frustratedly when Sunghoon keels over in laughter, hands shooting out to rest on Heeseung’s shoulders as the weight of his body falls forward, practically tripping down the last step to join him on the ground floor. “It’s not funny!”

“But it is, hyung. Trust me when I say it definitely is.”

“Then him insisting on joining me and literally making me piggy-back him up the stairs when I told him I was going to take a break from dancing is a comedy show, huh?” Heeseung calls over his shoulder. He had started walking ahead of Sunghoon, eager to get past the sweaty crowds of people. 

Sunghoon can tell Heeseung isn’t actually irritated with him, but he does feel bad that he wasn’t able to enjoy the party because of Jake’s (undeniably charming) stupidity. Catching up to him, he placing a hand on his shoulder. 

“Hey, it’s better that you waited to tell him, though. It’ll be nice if he’s not seeing in doubles when he realizes he doesn’t have to spend the rest of his life pining over you and not doing anything about it.”

Heeseung nods, chest heavy with a barely contained sigh, and wraps his arm around Sunghoon’s shoulders. “I kinda wish I was drunk too, though. Would have made this night a little less painful if I wasn’t trying to drown by sorrows in kombucha.”

Sunghoon only pats his back, guiding him around the room, the two of them milling around mindlessly until they come across the others. Niki looks almost completely conked out, strewn across Jay’s lap, and Jungwon isn’t faring much better, eyes fighting sleep as he leans on Sunoo’s shoulder. Sunoo smiles upon seeing the two of them, running his fingers through Jungwon’s hair.

“Are you ready to head out too, Heeseungie hyung?” He asks as a way of greeting, doing his best to keep his voice down. Luckily, the music had quieted slightly anyways, since the hours when noise complaints came flooding in were approaching.

“Yeah. I’ll probably wish noona a happy birthday before I go though, I don’t think I’ve actually spoken to her this entire night.”

“I think you, Sunghoon, and I are the only ones safe to drive, hyung, how do you want to split them all up? Sunghoon’s going to take Sunoo and Niki, but since we drove here separately, I can take Jungwon and then meet you back home.”

“Will you be okay to drive?” Heeseung asks, Sunghoon sharing the same sentiments. Jay hadn’t had any alcohol, but he would be in the car with a very cute Jungwon, which was just as dangerous.

“I’ll be good, you should head home first. You haven’t been sleeping well lately,” Jay chastises, beginning to push Niki into a sitting position.

“What, are you scolding me? Who’s the hyung here?”

“I’m not scolding you, I’m doing you a favor, idiot. Thank me by restocking our fridge every now and then, would you?”

Heeseung immediately opens his mouth to retort, the two of them unfortunately both of sound enough mind to continue their endless cycle of bickering/aggressively caring for each other. It’s enough to wake Niki up, though he whines about it being too noisy inside and that’s enough to convince all of them to try and head out as soon as possible. 

As Sunoo and Jay leave to grab everyone’s jackets, Jake finally makes a reappearance, stumbling up to them and almost automatically pushing his way into Heeseung’s hold with a pout on his lips. “Is everyone going already? Are you leaving too, hyung?” 

“The kids are getting sleepy,” Heeseung says as a way of response, cheeks burning so red it would be easy to think he had been drinking.

“You guys can’t leave me alone! C’mon hyungie, stick around,” Jake tugs at his sleeve, eyes brimming with affection. It makes Sunghoon think he’s a little less drunk than he wants them to believe, which makes sense– he had spent the entire night on his feet, and most likely sweat out all the alcohol.

Sunoo and Jay return, handing out jackets. “Jake, you want a ride? I’m going to your place first,” Jay offers.

“No, I’m going to wait it out a little more. So is Heeseungie hyung.”

“He is?” Sunoo asks, eyebrows raised, at the same time Heeseung asks, “I am?”

“Yeah, he is. Euijoo says some people might go out clubbing and Heeseung hyung is coming with me,” Jake announces confidently.

Jay just shrugs and tells both of them to get home safely before allowing a now slightly grumpy Jungwon to pull both him and Niki toward the door, Sunghoon following after in order to pull the car up. Sunoo waves them goodbye and then turns his attention back to Heeseung, watching the way Jake clings onto his arm with a grip far too purposeful to be fully inebriated.

“Walk me out?” He tilts his head to the door, Heeseung understanding and telling Jake to wait for him.

The second the door opens, they’re both hit in the face with a harsh breeze, but it’s a welcome change from the stuffy, sweaty masses of bodies inside. It’s only the two of them on the curb while Sunoo waits for Sunghoon to locate where they had barely managed to find a parking spot several blocks away and come back to pick him up.

“I watched you and Jake hyung this entire night,” Sunoo is the first to break the comfortable silence that had fallen over them. “Are you really sure you’re going to be okay staying here longer? You can always just tell him you’re tired, he’d understand.”

Heeseung looks down at the ground as he scuffs his shoe against the concrete, breaths coming out in frosty puffs. He squints when he looks back up, directing his gaze to a street lamp and shaking his head. “No, I’d be more worried knowing he was at a club alone getting even more wasted. Or, not alone, but at least without any other sober people.”

“He looked plenty sober just now, when he wouldn’t take his eyes off you,” Sunoo responds simply, not even teasing, but just stating a fact.

Heeseung seems plenty aware of this already, laughing. “You and Sunghoon are really my personal guidance counselors, huh?”

“Hyung’s been working with Jake for a while, I guess he figured you needed a turn, too.”

“Mm. He’s not wrong. I got some pretty solid advice from him earlier tonight,” Heeseung cracks a smile. His hands are shoved into his pockets, hair falling in shaggy curls in front of his eyes.

“Are you going to act on it?” Sunoo nudges his shoulder with his own, waiting expectantly.

He had meant what he said earlier entirety, much of his night had been spent, whether knowingly or unknowingly, close by to Jake and Heeseung. After Sunghoon had went to talk to him, the two of them had basically been inseparable for the remainder of the party (much of which was Jake’s doing). 

Every now and then, both of their eyes would land on Heeseung looking helpless at Jake’s hand, going along with his every whim and wish, whether it was dipping their feet in the pool or playing beer pong. Each time, Sunoo’s chest would tighten apprehensively, but Sunghoon would only tell him not to worry about it, which was enough to make him forget until he caught sight of them again.

“I’m planning to,” Heeseung reassures him. “Just not tonight. Not like this.”

“Sunghoon hyung will be disappointed. He was banking on another drunk confession.”

Heeseung snickers, shaking his head. “No. I don’t think anyone could replicate what you two have. Or Jungwon and Jongseong.”

Sunoo’s gaze softens and he turns so he can face Heeseung. “I’m sure Jay hyung was scared before he first asked Jungwon out for the first time. I know that Sunghoon and I are both still figuring things out. Just because you feel like you don’t know what you’re doing now doesn’t mean it’s not worth a shot.”

“I know. But,” Heeseung pauses to sit down on the curb, Sunoo following suit. “Jungwonie’s been in love with Jay since he was in primary school. I don’t think I’ve seen two people who are as understanding and smitten as you and Sunghoon are toward each other.” 

Heeseung has a far-away look in his eyes, subconsciously fiddling with his fingers. Sunoo places his chin on his knees and waits for him to continue; he hadn’t realized Heeseung had thought about everyone’s relationships this much, but he figures it’s simply in his nature– from the second he had met all of them, he had basically taken everyone in as his second family, always the first to look after them when something goes wrong.

“Jake’s one of the most wonderful people I know. He and I got along so easily and I always knew who he was to me. I don’t think he figured out how he wanted me in his life until recently, and even then neither of us are talking to each other about it. I don’t know. I just think he’s fucking incredible. And I’m just his Heeseung hyung.” Heeseung half lifts a shoulder, looking at Sunoo much too calmly. 

Sunoo doesn’t even like to think about Heeseung being this comfortable with having such a poor image of himself in his head, being able to self-deprecate without batting an eye.

“Hyung. Do you know how many people have a Heeseung hyung in their lives? Someone as kind and thoughtful, and intelligent as you? Not many. It means we’re all very lucky people,” he emphasizes, watching Heeseung’s face intently until he can be sure he sees a hint of a smile. “I guarantee you he’s going to wake up tomorrow morning, get over his hangover, and as soon as the ringing in his ears stops long enough for you to ask him on a date…” Heeseung laughs reluctantly, dropping his head between his arms. Sunoo smiles, satisfied. “He’s never going to let you out of his sight.”

Heeseung stands, helping Sunoo up and pulling him into his arms. “Thank you, Sunoo-yah. Hyung’s very lucky to have you in his life, too.”

Sunoo returns the hug and rubs up and down his back, half because the cold has set into both their bodies, but mostly because he had forgotten up until now that he’s only as incredibly happy as he is now because he and Sunghoon had gotten endless support from their friends.

It’s comforting, in a way, because being ace and constantly being the last to have his first kiss or have his first boyfriend always made him feel like he was behind the curve, even if it took him time to even think about wanting those things. 

Seeing Heeseung still growing and being willing to accept whatever path lies in front of him and Jake, even if it’s a lengthy one, makes Sunoo feel like he’s not the only one who has a long way to go, and he’s certainly glad he trusts him enough to let him be a part of that process.

Distantly, the front door opens again, and then a voice calls out, causing Sunoo and Heeseung to separate.

“Heeseungie hyung,” Jake stands on the doorstep, eyes falling to Heeseung’s arms, which are still dropping down from where they had been wrapped around Sunoo.

“Ah, the wife,” Sunoo remarks dryly. It catches Heeseung off-guard and makes him choke on his spit. The taller slaps him on the arm, Sunoo doing his best to contain his laughter as Jake approaches.

“You need something, Jakey?” Heeseung asks as he bites back a smile, pointedly elbowing Sunoo in his side.

Jake watches as he squirms away, whining about how it tickles. He looks subdued, arms wrapping around his front in an attempt to stop the breeze from hitting his slightly exposed midriff. “No, just… we’re getting ready to leave. It’s close so we’re walking, I wanted to make sure you were still coming with.”

“Ah, I’m still waiting with Sunoo. Head back in first, you must be cold.”

“It’s fine, hyung, my ride’s here,” Sunoo interjects as Sunghoon’s headlights flash around the corner.

They’re still standing right at the curb, Heeseung reaching over to pull open the door for him. Sunoo gets in and rolls the window down. He leans over and spots a sleeping Niki in the back seat, as well as Sunghoon behind the wheel.

“Get home safe, hyung. Text me if you need anything,” Sunghoon reminds him.

“I will. See you guys later, okay?” Heeseung smiles and straightens up with a pat to the car’s roof. As Sunghoon begins to pull away, Sunoo watches him walk back to Jake and roll his eyes, telling him he should have brought his jacket outside with him before peeling off his own and draping it over his shoulders.

Sunoo clicks his tongue, sitting back in his seat.

“They’re so married.”

Predating his current predicament, Sunoo and Sunghoon had had another discussion.

Sunoo was the one to breach the topic first, because he could tell Sunghoon was walking on eggshells every time he tilted his head up to ask for a kiss. 

“Hyung,” he remembered complaining with his prize-winning puppy eyes and pout (‘prize’ meaning Sunghoon always gave in and let him have whatever it was that he wanted). “Why do you look so scared?” 

As he asked, he had realized how genuinely nervous Sunghoon was and first he laughed because he couldn’t help it, but then once he calmed down, he tugged him over to the couch. 

“Sorry,” Sunghoon had half-smiled guiltily. “I just never asked you if you were comfortable with this and I didn’t want to overstep,” he confessed, fidgeting with his sleeves.

“I was the one that kissed you first,” Sunoo countered. He wasn’t trying to start an argument, but rather assure Sunghoon he had no need to feel like he was crossing a line. It felt like a sort of cruel irony that Sunoo finally felt good about kissing his partner, and in turn Sunghoon started to feel out of place.

“I know,” he reassured Sunoo in turn. “It’s just a little different if I go overboard with a kiss than if I like, hug you super tightly, you know? I don’t want you to think I’m angling at anything if you don’t like kissing all the time or for, too long or whatever…” Sunghoon trailed off, the tips of his ears red. Sunoo’s boyfriend is so, so cute.

But it had helped, hearing his reasoning. Sunoo hadn’t considered kissing a potential gateway to anything else, and just had a mini celebration (read: squeal session) with Jungwon to congratulate himself for getting over that first hurdle, and finally kissing Sunghoon despite how nervous he was.

If he had taken a second to think about it from Sunghoon’s view, he might have realized that that first kiss meant countless other possibilities, and he had left the older entirely in the dark when it came to what he wanted next.

Sunoo sighed, scooting closer to him with his elbow rested on the back of the couch, head in hand. He saw how Sunghoon was visibly anticipating something bad, doing his best to offer a comforting smile.

“I can’t speak for the future. Right now, I know I don’t want you to feel worried. Because I really like kissing you,” Sunoo had spoken softly, lifting his head off his hand and using it to instead stroke through Sunghoon’s hair. The latter let out a small chuckle, reaching forward to place his hand on his knee, thumb stroking slowly.

“Well, I think we both know I’d be lying if I said I didn’t as well.”

Sunoo laughed, closing the distance between them and making himself comfortable against his side, an arm instantly settling around his shoulders. He leans his cheek on his chest, their hands joining together over Sunghoon’s stomach. “We’ll take it slow,” he had ended up settling on.

That was over a month ago, and gradually, naturally, Sunoo and Sunghoon had started experimenting. 

When Sunghoon would pull away from a kiss after a couple seconds, Sunoo’s hand would fly out to the back of his neck and hold him there longer, whispering that it was okay against his lips.

And then it was Sunghoon eventually gaining enough confidence to test the waters, holding Sunoo’s chin in place and parting his mouth with his own, swallowing the small noise Sunoo made in pleasant surprise before placing a parting kiss on the mole on his cheek. When he scanned Sunoo’s face for any hint of displeasure and found none, he took that (and Sunoo tugging him closer for more) as a good sign.

They hadn’t gone further than that.

Since then, Sunoo has figured out exactly how much he likes kissing. Kissing Sunghoon, specifically. The idea itself is still a little bit murky to him, so he actively tries his best to not let himself overthink.

This is the new happy compromise he’s arrived at: kissing (action) is still not inherently romantic or sexual to him, but something he enjoys because it allows him to feel close to Sunghoon, someone he knows he loves very very much (again, not inherently romantic or sexual). Kissing (concept) is somehow associated with both romantic and sexual intimacy to everyone else, and this confuses Sunoo because though his psychology rejects both these things, he understands that he shares these experiences with Sunghoon because his relationship with him is of a different nature than anyone else in his life.

And so, Sunoo has decided to simply allow himself to spend every single day falling deeper and deeper for Sunghoon, so that one day he might wake up and realize: this is what is to be in love. This is the life they had worked so hard to build. 

Sunoo can’t wait to see what it looks like.

Right now, what their life looks like is this: Sunoo comes home (to Sunghoon’s apartment) after his last class of the day, where he finds Sunghoon passed out in the living room with the TV still on, gangly limbs sprawled across the entire couch. He snaps a photo before he wakes up, then perches on the limited space available at the edge of the cushion, placing his hands on Sunghoon’s chest to lean forward and place a kiss on his cheek.

Seconds later, Sunoo hears a small groan and then he’s being dragged into a horizontal position, Sunghoon wrapping his arms around his waist and snuggling into his body, nose digging into his neck. It draws a laugh out of him, turning his head with his limited mobility to take a peek at his face, Sunghoon’s eyes still shut.

“You took too long to get back. I felt like I was waiting forever,” he grumbles, holding on tighter.

Sunoo doesn’t have it in him to pretend to be annoyed, hopelessly endeared by his childish antics. “I’m sorry. You’re tired, aren’t you, babe?”

He feels Sunghoon tense behind him and blinks in concern, twisting his torso around when Sunghoon actively tries to avoid his eyes, whining absolutely adorably. “You can’t call me ‘babe’ and then not expect me to lose my shit.”

“I call you ‘babe’ pretty often, hyung.”

“Yeah, but normally I’m not waking up from a nap, my guard was down!” Sunghoon protests, making Sunoo giggle unashamedly.

“Do you actually like it that much?”

“Don’t ask me stupid questions, you know I do.”

Sunoo laughs again, shaking his head. He settles in, sighing as their legs tangle together, bodies becoming one. It’s in that moment, with Sunghoon stroking up and down his back gently and the drama OST from the TV lulling him to sleep, that Sunoo thinks: this is everything he needs for a life in the future.

He knows there’s still more to look forward to, but he really already has everything he needs to be happy. And that realization is what brings him to his current predicament.

The first person Sunoo thinks to consult is Niki. The second he hears the front door unlock, he’s rushing out of his bedroom and yanking the younger in, not letting him stop to drop his bag in his room. It’s only when he’s flopped down onto his mattress with a huff that Niki raises a brow and toes off his shoes, joining him on the bed.

It takes about five minutes for him to actually get words out, but when he does, they come flooding out.

“I don’t want to have sex.”

Niki raises an eyebrow, and the silent question is clear. What’s the problem?

“Okay.”

Sunoo balks at his reaction (or lack thereof) and his eyes bug out as he runs both hands through his hair, springing to his feet.

“No, Niki, I don’t want to have sex like, ever.”

Again, Niki stares at him calmly, voice unaffected as he repeats, “Okay.”

Sunoo thinks he must be on the verge of insanity, because why isn’t Niki acting like this is a big deal? He’s working himself into a state of near manic anxiety, his panic surging through his body as he paces back and forth.

“What do I do ?”

Niki lays down, hands stretching behind his head as he makes himself comfortable. He looks pretty today, lashes lengthened by mascara and fanning over bottom lids dotted with glitter. His top lids are dusted with a darker shadow that makes him look casually gorgeous, but Sunoo is too worked up to comment on it right now– he will later.

“What do you do about what?”

Forget pretty. Niki’s a piece of shit.

Sunoo halts, mouth dropping open with a disbelieving huff as he drills holes into Niki’s face. “About my life? My relationship?”

Now, Niki seems to finally have found one thing to worry about among the millions running through Sunoo’s head.

“What do you mean your relationship? How does this affect anything?” Sunoo whimpers, folding his legs to sit down in the middle of his floor. “You’re not having sex now, you won’t be doing it later. Nothing changes.”

Exactly , Sunoo thinks, chest feeling tight with stress. Weakly, through half-closed lips, he mumbles, “I don’t want to break up with Sunghoon.”

Niki is by his side in an instant, lanky legs clambering off the bed to slide onto the floor. He sits directly in front of Sunoo, holding onto his hands tightly.

“Why do you think you have to do that? Of course you don’t have to break up.”

“God, Niki, do you really think he’s gonna want to stay in a dead end relationship? Do you think I want to keep him in one? I… I love him too much to do that to him,” Sunoo concedes brokenly, staring at the floor. He feels sick to his stomach, the thought of Sunghoon realizing what a mess he’s gotten himself into making him want to cry.

“Sunoo.” Niki’s voice is firm, harsh. “The issue here isn’t Sunghoon. It’s you.”

Niki never speaks disrespectfully to Sunoo, not truly. They’ll play around because they’re comfortable with each other, but if any boundaries are ever crossed, they know how to handle it. Right now, he’s far from rude, but Sunoo knows him well enough to know when he’s losing patience.

“You’ve always known who you are. It’s always been up to you to accept whoever that is. Sunghoon hyung always has. Do you seriously think for one second he’s going to look at you with anything less than love and respect when you tell him this? And don’t you think on some level, he already knows? I’m not saying he’s the type to make assumptions, but that guy knows you better than anyone else on this earth, I doubt he’s secretly hankering for you to seduce him out of nowhere.”

Sunoo gulps, throat dry. It’s an uncomfortable truth, one that he doesn’t want to claim as his own, but it’s certainly annoying him enough, pricking at his skin, for him to admit there’s some validity.

“But, Niki what if he is? What if one day he wants more?” Sunoo is so scared, he can hear it in his own voice, and he can feel his fingers trembling as they pull at the rug underneath him. “I’m so terrified of him leaving me if that time comes, I–”

“You’d rather push him away now?” Niki’s eyes are soft, but he’s shaking his head. “Sunoo, no. This… this isn’t even a conversation you need to have. If he ever does want more, it’s his job to communicate that with you. But from what you’ve told me, you’ve already made it clear that’s not on the table right now. That wasn’t with the expectation it would change. There’s no burden on you to tell him it won’t.”

Sunoo feels tears beginning to rise to his eyes, which burn with the effort it’s taking to hold them back. His face feels hot up to his ears and down to his neck, and he’s finding it’s hard to even form words now.

Niki doesn’t push him, mouth snapping shut even as he sighs quietly in defeat. “Can I hug you?”

Sunoo forgoes a response, allowing himself to fall forward into Niki’s waiting arms, a silent sob wracking through his body.

He hadn’t realized himself how much this had been eating away at him, nipping at every corner of his mind until all that was left was doubt, hurt, and anger. Sunoo was so mad at himself.

He could try to fool himself into thinking it didn’t show, but to be honest, in the last week, he’s been less willing to go over to Sunghoon’s apartment when the older invites him, less quick to respond to his texts.

Sunghoon hasn’t questioned it, but if Sunoo freaked out over Sunghoon not responding to his texts when they weren’t dating, he can only imagine the older is on the verge of doing the same, and that makes everything so much worse.

His tears are soaking into the front of Niki’s shirt, and he can barely sense the comforting hand running up and down his back as they sit together on the ground, Niki humming quietly into the top of his head.

“It’s going to be okay, Sunoo. It’s going to be okay.”

It feels like a lie.

The doorbell rings, and Sunoo pretends like he doesn’t know who it is in a poor attempt to calm his nerves. He knows if he doesn’t do these small things for himself, in the five seconds it takes him to go from his bedroom to the front door, he’ll be too scared to actually open it.

But he does, and even if his grip on the handle slips because his hands are hidden inside the massive sleeves of Sunghoon’s hoodie, the door is open.

And outside stands Sunghoon himself, heavy bags under his eyes, which are partially covered by his unstyled hair.

“Hi.”

“Hi. Can I come in?”

Sunoo forces himself to answer, because Sunghoon deserves one, and because he’s probably one of the only people who would understand so immediately that Sunoo needs to be given a choice, the opportunity to turn him away.

“Yeah, come in.”

Sunghoon offers a small smile, but his gratitude reads loud and clear, from each corner of his mouth it’s clear. He toes off his shoes quietly, and stands by the door as Sunoo turns his back, going to sit on the couch before changing his mind.

“Actually we can… talk in my bedroom, if that’s okay.”

He receives an affirmative nod, so Sunoo turns and walks with tentative steps back to his room, pushing the door open and moving to sit on his mattress.

Sunghoon closes the door, not entirely, leaving just a small crack as he moves to grab Sunoo’s desk chair, sitting across from Sunoo with about a foot of space between them.

There’s a short bout of silence after he sits, hands on his knees. Sunghoon is waiting patiently, but Sunoo knows how hurt he must be feeling after a week and a half of radio silence, only hearing from Sunoo through other people. 

(“He had to leave class early. Some sort of appointment, from what I can tell,” Jake had told Sunghoon when the two of them were supposed to be coming out of their art history lecture together. “I’m sure he’ll fill us in later, we should go get lunch.”

“Ah, he’s visiting his parents’ house for the weekend. Did he not tell you?” Jungwon had asked confusedly when Sunghoon asked why Sunoo wasn’t at their group dinner. Sunoo had only told Jungwon and Niki ahead of time.

“Sunoo’s taking a nap right now. I can take a message?” Niki said when Sunghoon came to visit after class, turning him away apologetically.)

“Hyung,” Sunoo finally says, heart breaking with every second Sunghoon doesn’t look him in the eye. The older is staring somewhere at the wall behind him, gaze directed far below his face.

But the second he registers his voice, realizes it hadn’t been a hallucination, he slowly drags his eyes up, and he looks even more tired than before.

“Did I do something? Sunoo-yah, did I make you uncomfortable? Have… have I hurt you?”

Sunghoon looks like it’s hurting him to even ask those questions, but he needs to know. It’s been less than two weeks, truly not that long, but he doesn’t need a timetable to sense when something’s wrong.

Sunoo shakes his head vehemently, laughing wetly in spite of himself. His throat has already started to close up slightly, but he tries to remember: focus. Stay in the moment, don’t let yourself get dragged away.

“No, Sunghoonie hyung, that’s exactly it. You’ve done nothing wrong. You’ve been so… simply wonderful, and I’m so happy with you.”

Sunghoon eyes flit around his face dangerously quickly, and he swallows, using his hands to push himself up in his chair. “Why does it sound like you’re trying to cushion my fall or something?”

Sunoo shakes his head again, reaching forward to take Sunghoon’s hands into his own. “No, I’m not prefacing any bad conversation. I think this is going to be a lot harder for me than you, to be honest.”

Sunghoon’s brow furrows and then he nods, leaning forward and tightening his previously very loose hold on Sunoo’s hands. “Okay. I’m sorry, I’m here, okay? Promise.”

“I know,” Sunoo smiles, feeling moisture at the roots of his long lashes. He takes a calming breath, wanting to wipe them away but not wanting to let go. Sunghoon makes the decision for him, releasing one of his hands temporarily to thumb away his tears before it returns. “I didn’t mean to scare you. And I’m sorry for disappearing. I wanted to figure out something on my own and I wasn’t able to understand how to explain it to you yet.”

Sunghoon listens intently, stroking over the back of his hand gently. He doesn’t offer his forgiveness yet, because he doesn’t know enough to. Or maybe because he values Sunoo too much to think he needed to give an apology in the first place.

That’s the thing about him– he knows how to take care of himself in ways Sunoo doesn’t know he will ever be able to do, and he treats himself with respect, which makes Sunoo envious beyond words, because he’s always struggled to respect himself. The only outstanding issue in that area is that he would throw that all away if it meant pleasing Sunoo.

“I just meant to say that when I was with you, when I’ve been with you lately, I’ve been really happy. Whether we’re just hanging out with everyone else, or it’s just you and me, you make me feel so special. And so loved.”

Sunghoon stares at him softly, and Sunoo thinks if he looks closely enough, he could make out real hearts in them. “I’m glad. I want to do that for you.”

“You do. All the time,” Sunoo confesses honestly, scooting forward on his bed. Their knees are knocking together, and if he goes any farther, his ass will be half falling off, but it’s worth it to be this much closer to Sunghoon. He’s missed him so much.

“But in all those moments, I kept wondering how it could keep getting better. I thought at one point, there had to be some sort of max, because I didn’t deserve to continue to take everything you were giving me,” Sunoo continues. He silently asks Sunghoon to wait when he opens his mouth to protest. “And then I guess I wanted to know if I was doing the same for you. If I was enough,” his mouth lifts into a bitter smile that stays there for only a second before slipping away. “I had to take a moment to work through that.”

“I did hurt you. You said I hadn’t.” Sunghoon’s voice isn’t accusatory, but guilty. And he’s allowed that much in the moment, because right now it sounds like Sunoo is asking him to shoulder the blame for something that had been entirely his own fault. 

“You didn’t,” he corrects. “I was hurting myself. And I was hurting you, and us, in the process. So I spoke to Niki, and he knocked some sense into me.” Sunghoon laughs, and Sunoo is happy to hear the sound again. But then he quiets, and he takes the chance to push on. “I just sort of had this one annoying thought that was really messing with me and I didn’t know how to deal with it. Niki helped me be okay with the fact that it’s not something I can handle on my own. And it wasn’t something I wanted you to have to handle yet.”

Sunghoon nods slowly, and he worries his bottom lip, clearly holding back a lot of questions for Sunoo’s sake, opting to settle with just one. “Are you feeling a little better?”

Sunoo nearly snorts, for how easily his answer comes to him. “You’re here now.”

Sunghoon understands, and he smiles, holding eye contact as he raises one of Sunoo’s hands to his lips to kiss his skin softly. “I am.”

“And I want to explain now that you are. Just give me a couple more minutes to run my mouth because I need to say a lot at once for you to not misunderstand.”

It’s bossy, and Sunghoon must think so too because he raises an eyebrow amusedly, nodding nonetheless.

Sunoo takes a grounding breath, but being in Sunghoon’s presence is actually more calming than stressing like he had expected. Everything is easier with Sunghoon.

“Everything’s kind of been a mess this week. I had to visit my parents, which I’m sure you heard about. I wasn’t trying to avoid you. I needed to talk to them in person so they could help me with some financial stuff and my healthcare plan.” Sunoo’s next words come out in a rushed breath. “I wanted to let them know I was starting to see a therapist.”

Sunghoon’s eyes widen, and he looks immediately more concerned, but he stays silent. Sunoo loves him.

“I sort of tried to rush the whole process, of looking for one I would match well with. Because I wanted to be able to talk about this openly with you, but I needed to actually have someone, a professional, to help me work through my thoughts before I could explain them. To you.” 

Sunoo swallows, remembering how everything felt like it came crashing down on him after that day he had confided in Niki. That very same night, after he had taken a bath for nearly an hour until the water was cold and no longer offered the warmth he needed, they had stayed up into the late hours of the night talking.

Niki told him he went to see a therapist on occasion, when he knew he would benefit from it, and even if he didn’t like doing it consistently, it helped. Sunoo had always been under the impression therapy was something that should exist only on a schedule, and knowing it could be more lax than that instantly made it seem more appealing to him.

He asked Niki to tell him more, and the latter explained he struggled with school sometimes when he was younger, so his parents had suggested seeking support. It ended up extending to his life outside of academics, and he found that it was a good outlet for him when his usual methods of finding stability didn’t entirely do it for him. He spoke highly of each of his therapists, since he switched and went through periods of not going to therapy at all, and when Sunoo asked him why, Niki had just shrugged and told him it was burdensome at times.

Even though he knew it was good for him, and that if he did go, it would be helpful, sometimes it was that thought alone that kept him away. He had cracked a smile and told Sunoo that one of the things each of his therapists had told him consistently was that they could tell he didn’t like being tied down. Sunoo had frowned and said that didn’t seem very nice, but Niki had told him, patiently, that he himself had to learn not to take it as a bad thing; that he was a type of person who needed stimulation and being comfortable in his environments wasn’t the same thing as having an environment that allowed him to grow. At the end of the day, he eventually came to do whatever felt best for him: even if that meant jumping from therapist to therapist, no therapy to therapy.

Sunoo had nothing to lose, so he nodded when Niki asked him if it felt like something he wanted to try.

After he went to go have a very thorough conversation with his family to ensure them he was okay, and to see if their medical plan covered any therapist networks (because in spite of everything he was still a college student), Sunoo had began to look through the professionals recommended to him straight away, and scheduled a meeting the first opening the one he liked most had.

It landed during one of his classes, and he had been shaking nervous the entire time he was in the lecture, so it was more than apparent when he was actually face to face with her.

Their session had been about an hour to start, but when she asked to get to know Sunoo a little better, he had ended up telling her most of the recent events that had let up to him starting therapy.

The finer details are still a little hazy for him, purely because of how nervous he was, but at the end, she had suggested they meet again soon to talk more in depth if he wanted too.

“I did find a therapist I really like already, luckily,” Sunoo tells Sunghoon now, reminding himself to speak carefully and slowly. “Based off what happened recently and how I’ve been reacting, she asked me some questions. We’ll talk more, but she thinks I might have anxiety. And I think it’ll be helpful to keep working through that.”

Sunoo’s eyes drop to the ground and he feels petrified now that he’s finally said it, not wanting to look up. He’s scared of what he’ll find in Sunghoon’s eyes. Certainly not any less love, but an irrational part of him wonders if he’ll be disappointed. Or overwhelmed. If he’ll be scared.

“First…” Sunghoon uses a finger to tilt his chin up, ducking his head until he forces his way into Sunoo’s line of sight. He’s not frowning, not upset. But there are tears in his eyes, and Sunoo’s about to run for the hills until he sees Sunghoon begin to smile. “I’m so proud of you. For doing this for yourself, for knowing you deserve to care about yourself more. And I understand that there are certain things that you can’t do with me. So to that extent, it makes me even more happy you’ve chosen to include me in this.”

“I hid everything from you for a while, though,” Sunoo mumbles, tiny voice laced with incredible guilt.

Sunghoon’s hand drops away from his face and he tilts his head to the side, considering. “Yeah, you did. And I was worried. I was hurt, maybe angry, because I knew you were being dishonest. I was frustrated because I couldn’t do anything. I wished you would have given me something to go off of.” 

His eyes search Sunoo’s face, and while his honesty is biting, it’s also comforting. If he was in Sunghoon’s place, he would probably allow his resentment to fester in passive aggressive hints until he blew up. It’s harder for him to work up the courage to speak so candidly about his anger than it is to deal with the aftermath of a petty argument, because he knows he’ll be admitting he wanted to be treated better if he doesn’t hide behind anger. Because he’s still struggling to understand he deserves that.

Sunoo has never cherished their differences more than now, for how easily Sunghoon balances him out– how they’re able to make up for each other’s weaknesses and boost their strengths.

“But you didn’t do it to hurt me, sweetheart. This journey was your own, and it’s still continuing. What matters is that you know I’m here if you want me to be a part of it now,” Sunghoon says with finality, not leaving any room for Sunoo to protest further.

He wants to say, but I was selfish. I could have ruined things for us. You thought we might have been breaking up and you’re not even fighting me for what I did . He doesn’t, because Sunghoon is right; he didn’t do it to hurt him. He still owes him more, though. The whole truth in exchange for his.

“I do want you to be a part of it. And I want that to start today, because I don’t want to feel this sorry to you again. For keeping you in the dark.”

Sunghoon stands from the chair and comes to sit by Sunoo’s side when he pats the bed, motioning for him to join him. “Is there anything still bothering you?”

“No. I’ve come to terms with it more, but it’s something you deserve to know. Even if it’s something you’ve always had more clarity than I have about, I want there to be transparency about what I’m thinking.”

“That makes sense. I’m listening Sunoo, say what you need.”

God, here goes nothing.

“I don’t want to have sex.”

Sunghoon’s face is unreadable, Sunoo can’t recall enough from the last two seconds to remember whether it had actually changed at all or if he’s just making stuff up. Either way, he’s not jumping for joy, and Sunoo expected that (because even if Sunghoon was okay with it, it’d still be weird for him to do that), but it makes him rush to explain.

“You haven’t pushed me or made me uncomfortable, or indicated that you’re looking for more, but I know we never explicitly ruled it out, because I wasn’t sure if it was something I could build to eventually, and I just wasn’t ready for it, or if I would never want it, but I sort of realized when we were cuddling that that was probably the closest thing to sexy time I would ever want, and it freaked me out–”

“Sunoo.”

“--because I don’t want you to feel like I deceived you into a relationship that doesn’t have the future you want–”

“Sunoo. Sunoo!” Sunghoon is openly laughing now, as he pats Sunoo’s shoulder. Sunoo falls silent, crazy nervous as he waits for him to stop laughing like an idiot to actually say something. His eyes are crinkled up at the corners, body shaking from his chuckles. “That was a ridiculously long sentence.”

Sunoo smacks his arm, pouting as Sunghoon exclaims in shock. “Is that seriously all you have to say to that? Stop laughing!” He demands, even if his voice wavers dangerously, a smile threatening his lips. “Hyung, we were being serious!”

“I knowww, but I’ve missed you, and you’re so cute when you ramble, it was just too much for my poor heart,” Sunghoon moans, flopping back onto the bed, hands flying to cover his face as he lays on his back.

Sunoo groans, even if he pulls his legs up to crawl over to sit next to his torso, half-heartedly nudging his arm again. “You’re so annoying.”

“And I love you.”

Sunghoon pulls his hands off his face, revealing a genuine, kind smile. He reaches up and tugs Sunoo to lay down next to him, wrapping an arm around his shoulder and holding him closer when the younger complies.

Sunghoon keeps him held close, Sunoo silently curling into his body and burying his face in his neck. They had been apart for too long, he doesn’t blame Sunghoon for saying he missed him with how desperately he had wanted to be with him.

“I love you, Kim Sunoo. And nothing you just said is changing that. So long as you’re mine, I don’t care if I so much as see your skin ever again. I’d love you as a mummy, alright?”

“Does that mean you want to preserve my body and keep it in a locked box? ‘Cuz that’s kind of weird, hyung,” Sunoo’s voice is muffled by Sunghoon’s neck, but he can still feel his smile against his skin.

“I’m not taking any judgment. Kim Sunoo is mine, I’m invincible,” Sunghoon murmurs drowsily.

When Sunoo takes a peek up at his face, he sees eyes blinking shut. Sunghoon had been fighting off sleep when he arrived, it only made sense he was losing now that Sunoo was back at his arms. 

He closes his own eyes and sighs contentedly. “Hyung.”

“Mmm?”

“I love you, too.”

Sunghoon drops a kiss on the top of his forehead and Sunoo feels complete. 

“I know.”

FOUR MONTHS LATER

“If this was anyone else, I’d say you were moving too quickly. But it’s you two, so there’s hardly anything I can do, is there?” Niki questions, eyeing both Sunoo and Sunghoon with a knowing smile. His teeth are bared in a genuine grin even as he places the last box from Sunoo’s room by the door.

When he collapses onto the couch, legs flaying out in front of him before falling back down with a thud, he wipes the sweat from his forehead, dusting off his skirt. Sunoo hums, sitting down next to him and laying his head on his shoulder.

“Just say you miss me and leave it, mm?”

“I don’t miss you yet. ”

Sunoo laughs, and then Sunghoon and Jake come tumbling in the door, the latter cuffing Sunghoon on the head.

“You idiot! That was totally your fault, what’d you start hitting me for?”

Sunoo raises an eyebrow, unimpressed. He pulls his head off Niki’s shoulder and sighs, the two clowns silencing themselves when they meet his gaze. “What’d you two do?”

“This idiot–”

“You’re a fucking dumbass, is what happened. Jake the numbskull dropped a box of your clothes down the stairs–”

“You tripped me!”

“And then he ran down to try and stop it from tumbling and just kicked it further down,” Sunghoon tattles unashamedly, walking forward to Sunoo and pulling him to his feet, pointing an accusing finger at Jake as he nuzzles into the top of his head. “Kick him out. Sue him. Steal his wallet.”

“Dude,” Jake rolls his eyes, wrinkling his nose in distaste. “You’re so gross. It’s a good job you don’t have to deal with them anymore, Riki, huh?”

Niki snorts, his agreement clear without needing to be spoken. Sunghoon only smirks smugly, practically smothering Sunoo in a tight hug. He’s too happy to care about the two judgemental stares he’s receiving, and Sunoo’s muffled protests.

“Hyungg, let go.”

“Never. Roomie.”

Sunoo looks up, his chin pressed against Sunghoon’s chest. With how close he’s being held against him, he’s practically facing up toward the ceiling, eyes glittering with something Sunghoon hesitates to even label as love– it feels too generic for Sunoo’s special brand of complete and total adoration.

He tries to keep a straight face, but the smile is clear in Sunoo’s voice when he responds. “What have I gotten myself into?” He murmurs, shaking his head fondly.

His question goes unanswered, as there’s a knock on the door, drawing the attention of not only Sunoo and Sunghoon, but Jake and Niki, who had relocated to the kitchen, raiding whatever was left in the fridge.

“Hyung! What brings you by?” Sunoo asks, smiling as he waves him in. 

“Jake.”

It’s both an answer to his question, and an acknowledgement. Sunghoon can see it in his eyes, the way his whole world brightens the second he catches sight of Jake in the kitchen.

He’s not exactly sure what it was that went down between them, but over time, something changed, one of them, Heeseung or Jake, or both of them. He and Jake had had plenty of conversations, and from what Sunghoon gathers there was never a confession on either end.

But Jake seemed happier, and that was all that mattered. (Mattered enough for Sunghoon not to want to shove both of them in a closet for hours to make them work things out.)

“Ah, hyung you’re here?” Jake was practically giddy with excitement, bounding over to him like an excited puppy. He turned to Sunoo, and he was certain in that moment his friend was a golden retriever in a human body. “Are you all good here, or do you need me to stick around…?”

Sunoo waved him away, face set in a small smile. Sunghoon took notice, obviously, squeezing his waist a little tighter. Sunoo’s friends made him happy, and he liked seeing Sunoo happy. The two of them were alike in that regard– benefiting from simply being near the people they loved. It’s why Sunghoon was confident in asking Sunoo to move in together, and hadn’t hesitated to do so the second he had the thought to.

“You’re good to go, hyung. You two have fun,” he presses, practically pushing them out the door together.

Heeseung nods, not bothering to hide the pleased smile on his face as he beckons Jake over to his side. The shorter of the pair continues to throw rushed blessings over his shoulder as he slides his shoes on, allowing Heeseung to force him out the door when he lingers, congratulating Sunoo and Sunghoon yet again.

“We’ll do a housewarming once you’re settled in, okay? Don’t buy an air fryer, I don’t have any other gift ideas!” Jake shouts once he’s down the hall, Heeseung practically dragging him away.

Sunoo stands at the doorway watching them go, laughing under his breath.

Sunghoon eventually comes to join him, the two of them standing there under the archway even though Heeseung and Jake are long gone, Niki already retreated back to Sunoo’s (old) room to sweep for leftover objects. His long arms wind around his waist, and Sunoo relaxes back into his hold, easily accepting the tender kiss Sunghoon drops on his cheek.

“You ready to start loading the car?”

Sunoo turns his head so their noses brush, the corners of his lips twitching upward. His eyes flutter shut, and he angles his head up, foreheads pressed together as the tips of their noses rub together lightly.

“I’m ready for anything with you, hyung.”