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—I’m so sorry.
—It’s okay. I’m not sad.
—You’re not?
Silena drank a sip of her tea and took that moment to reexamine the feelings she had in her chest.
A part of her was, without a doubt, grieving.
She had always believed that a love that has just ended, or which nature has changed from what it what once was, was something that needed to be mourned. She believed that everyone became different people when they fell in love with someone, even if it was just slight changes in habits or little details you incorporated in your life because of that person. Thus, every time you grieved for a concluded love, you were also grieving the person you were with them.
Nevertheless, that didn’t mean she hadn’t wanted things to end.
It was quite the opposite, in fact. She knew their romantic love had run its course and she had been the first one to admit it was time to let it go. And so, at the same time she said goodbye to her previous feelings, she felt thankful for their time together and she saved, in a special place of her heart, the memories of everything they had lived as a couple.
—No, I’m not —She finally answered—. I feel… relieved. I think we were both seeing it coming since a long time ago. The long distance was just the excuse to end things once and for all, but... we just weren’t feeling it anymore. There just... wasn’t anything left there. Romantically, I mean. I still love him very much, but just as friends now.
—Like you love me?
Silena couldn’t help the small chuckle that escaped her lips.
However, once she turned her head to the side to look at her best friend, she found uncertainty written all over her face.
—Of course not, dearest —Said Silena, softly, as she moved a reassuring hand to cup Clarisse’s cheek—. You are not just my friend. You are special. You are... I don’t even know what to call it —She rested her head on the other girl’s shoulder and cuddled next to her under the blankets of her bed—. Sometimes, I think we may be soulmates —She said, after a few seconds, almost as an afterthought.
Silena could very clearly feel the way Clarisse’s heart began beating faster after that. However, her best friend did not say a thing. Even if she wasn’t looking at her anymore, Silena could feel her eyes staring right into her.
As she reheard them over and over again in her head, her last words suddenly felt a little dumb.
—But that’s so silly, right? —Asked Silena, chuckling lightly, as if to take some weight off her previous statement.
—Yeah —Clarisse finally answered, not a single trace of amusement in her voice—. So silly.
-
[Two weeks later]
The front door of the cozy NYC apartment opened violently and all of a sudden, making Silena startle from where she was placidly drawing on the kitchen table.
—Oh, Clary, you scared me!
Clarisse didn’t seem to hear her. She hastily closed the front door and walked over to Silena, heavily dropping herself on the chair next to her.
She looked disheveled, which was normal on her after her usual morning run, but that was not what made a worried frown appear on Silena’s forehead. Clarisse also looked… highly distressed.
—I’m sorry —She exclaimed, almost out of breath—. I… I try- I’m really trying, but I can't take it anymore. I’m sorry.
Silena put down her pencil, instantly forgetting about her assignments, her sketches and her projects.
—Rue, what's wrong? What happened?
Silena tried to put a hand over Clarisse’s, but her best friend refused her. She looked shaken up —and not just metaphorically. Her lower lip was trembling and her entire body seemed to be quivering too.
—I need to tell you something because otherwise I’m going to explode.
The look on Clarisse’s eyes was so desperate, so painful that Silena found it hard to hold her gaze. Her initial worry was quickly growing into anxiousness, as she had no idea of the cause of her best friend’s agitated state or how to help her. She had seemed fine that morning, when they had had breakfast together. Whatever could have changed so badly in just a couple of hours?
—It’s me, love —She said, using the soothing Eldest Sister's Voice™ that always calmed her siblings down—. You know you can tell me anything. You can trust me.
Silena’s words seemed to have the desired effect, because Clarisse took a deep breath that appeared to steadier her nerves. She looked at Silena in the eyes and, then, she said:
—I love you.
Silena couldn’t help but smile at that.
—Darling, you know I love you t-
—No —Clarisse interrupted her, somewhat brusquely. She shook her head and then she took Silena’s hands, as her eyes found hers one more time—. No, listen to me, Silena. I love you. Romantically; not like that platonic soulmates crap. I love you like Charlie loved you- No, I love you so much more than that. I am madly, truly, deeply, passionately in love with you.
Silena’s heart skipped a beat.
Did she… did she just…?
Before she could even process what she had just heard, Clarisse stood up, so clumsily that her chair fell to the floor.
—I’m sorry. I just needed you to know. I… I need to go now.
—Wait, Clarisse!
But she was already out the apartment, leaving Silena alone with a tempestuous ocean of emotions inside of her.
-
As if she could have somewhat guessed it, Clarisse returned to the apartment at the same moment as Silena finished taking to the living room the two cups of hot chocolate she had just made.
Much different from her previous entrance, she now opened the front door slowly and quietly, and then closed it the same way.
—Hey —She mumbled.
—Hey —Repeated Silena, as she showed her a sweet smile.
Clarisse’s nose and ears were red, probably because of the cold. Her eyes were red too, but that probably wasn’t because of the winter weather.
—I’m just here to pack a few things. I'll rent a hotel room and-
—Sit.
—I don’t want to make you uncomfortable in any possible-
—Clarisse. Come sit with me, please.
Clarisse obeyed the request. She walked over to the living room’s sofa and sat on it, leaving a considerable space between her and Silena.
Only then did Silena realize how used they were to sitting very close to each other. She almost always cuddled next to Clarisse or climbed to her lap and her best friend always welcomed her with opened arms and hugged her.
Silena took one of the mugs and put it on Clarisse’s hands before taking the other one for herself.
—Since when? —She asked, as she leaned back comfortably on the couch.
—Sorry?
—Since when have you been in love with me?
Clarisse’s cheeks got as red as the hoodie she was wearing. She looked down at the hot chocolate and stayed silent for a moment before answering.
—Since the first time I saw you, I think.
Silena instantly smiled at that answer.
—Clary, we were five.
—Yeah —Clarisse ran a bashful hand through her messy hair. Silena had to resist the urge to tuck it behind her ear. Then, Clarisse finally looked up and their eyes met once again—. It was the first day of kindergarten. You introduced yourself in French and then asked me if I wanted to play princesses with you.
—I remember it. You say you didn't want to be a princess, but that you could be my shiny knight.
The fondness Silena had for those early memories always made her feel warmer inside her chest.
Clarisse’s dad had never bothered learning how to do her hair, so she had arrived to her first day of kindergarten (and every other day after that) with a messy mop of brown hair under a red bandana.
At that young age, Silena had been completely obsessed with hair. As Drew’s hair was far too short for her to try doing anything to it and Aphrodite didn't always let her touch her golden curls, Silena had been delighted to have someone whose hair she could style at her will. And so, from that day on, she had always spent the first few minutes before class brushing Clarisse’s hair and then doing it on ponytails or braids.
The habit had remained during elementary school, but Clarisse had become pickier about the things she let Silena do on her hair. She had not let her put glitter, strass hair clips or pink accessories on it anymore, but she had still been very happy about braids.
On high school, Clarisse had cut her hair shorter, but that had not stopped Silena from braiding some strands here and there when she got bored in class or at their slumber parties.
Even in the present, Silena sometimes found herself absently braiding her best friend’s hair or combing it with her fingers, as Clarisse told her about her day or as she had her head on her lap when they watched movies.
—Yeah —Said Clarisse, sounding just as fond as Silena felt—. I... I didn't know it back then, obviously, but I knew there was something special about you. Like, I wanted to play with you and with you alone, all day, every day.
Silena smiled against her mug before drinking from it.
—And then?
—And then… Well, for some miracle of fate, we became best friends. We grew older together. You... I never wanted to be away from you. In elementary school, all the boys had crushes on you-
—Not all of them.
—You’re right. All of them except for a few jerks.
—Who you always got into fights with —Silena lightly nudged Clarisse’s knee with her own—. You didn’t have to defend me from them all the time, you know?
—Yes, I did. You were my best friend; I couldn’t let them make fun of you —Clarisse extended a hand to gently squeeze Silena’s, as she gave her a small smile—. Luckily, your sister helped. That girl may be skinny and look like she couldn’t lift a feather without breaking a nail but, Jesus Christ, is she fierce when she fights. I would never want to get on her bad side.
—That’s the Drew we all know and love —Chuckled Silena. After a brief pause, she added—. So… do you like me since we were little girls?
—I... I don't know —Clarisse took her hand back and, in an embarrassed gesture, she lightly scratched the back of her neck—. Maybe? But I didn't know I had a crush on you yet. I just knew you were the prettiest girl in the world and that I was so proud and happy every time you called me your best friend. I loved it when you choose me over the other girls and spent recess with me and took my hand in the cafeteria line and played with my hair in class.
Silena was dying to hug Clarisse and kiss the cheeks of that sweet, sweet woman, but her curiosity was stronger.
—When did you realize you liked me that way, then?
—High school. Freshman year —Clarisse’s didn’t hesitate in her answer this time—. I got into the football team and you became a cheerleader and you went to every single one of my games and cheered for me and-
Silena interrupted her account with a humorous laugh.
—Oh my Gosh. You are such a cliché!
Clarisse laughed as well, as she playfully elbowed Silena.
—Shut up, I am not!
—You are! —Silena returned the gesture, teasingly—. So I was, like, your Megan? And you were like Graham?
—You mean, minus the conversion therapy camp?
Silena giggled.
—Yes, minus that part.
—I don’t know. Maybe —Clarisse slowly got serious again, her gaze getting lost somewhere behind Silena—. Seeing how beautiful and amazing you looked in that uniform, with those adorable pigtails and ribbons, chanting my name and doing all those cute little dances… —Clarisse groaned—. I didn’t stand a chance. I was so deeply lost. It was like, suddenly, everything made sense. Everything I had been feeling about you since we were kids. It was crystal clear: I was in love with you.
—I had no idea.
Clarisse sighed, suddenly sounding very tired.
—I know. On one hand, I was glad you didn’t seem to notice a thing, but on the other one… —Her eyes fell to her untouched drink—. Anyway. Then, on senior year, you began dating Beckendorf. That was when I knew for sure that I loved you and it wasn’t just a temporary crush. I was so jealous of him, all the time. When you became prom queen and king I wanted to climb up that stage and rip that crown off his head. I wanted to be the one to kiss you in front of the entire school; not him.
Silena's head started to feel a bit dizzy after all those sudden confessions, so she used her free hand to firmly hold the couch beneath her and ground herself.
—Why didn’t you ever say anything?
—Because he made you happy.
—And before him?
—I… Well, first of all, I wasn’t exactly sure you liked girls until you came out to me as pan. ‘Cause, like, you sometimes kinda flirted with me or complimented other girls but that could easily mean nothing. Like, Katie has been flirting with your sister since they were twelve and the poor girl couldn’t be straighter if she tried.
—But you and I did talk about that stuff. When we were fifteen and you came out to me as a lesbian, I told you that sometimes I got girl crushes on celebrities and things like that.
—Yeah, but… Still, it could have been a straight girl thing. I don’t know. I was a teen and confused as fuck; I didn’t know how any of this really worked. But, anyway, that wasn’t the main reason I never told you I liked you.
—Then what was it?
—I didn’t want to risk our friendship. Besides these romantic feelings, you are my best friend. You are the most important person in my life; I don’t ever want to lose that.
So moved by Clarisse’s words, Silena felt tears start to gather in her eyes. She took the other woman’s hands with her own, in the most loving gesture.
—You won’t. I swear on the Styx, you will never lose me. We will always be best friends.
Clarisse’s eyes widened. Having spent the majority of her life near Silena and her siblings, she knew perfectly well how serious that vow was for the Love family.
—Thank you —Murmured Clarisse, looking down at their held hands with an expression of marvel—. I swear on the Styx, I will always be by your side as well. You’ll always have me.
—I accept your oath and I thank you.
Silena kissed Clarisse’s hands, forever sealing their promise, before gently letting go of them.
When Clarisse looked at her again, Silena noticed there were tears on her eyes as well.
—I was afraid —Admitted Clarisse—. I was afraid you would… push me away, or that things would get awkward between us. Like, you never had any kind of constraint or shame around me. When we went shopping or when I was at your house, you always changed right in front of me and didn’t give a fuck. Dresses, swimsuits, underwear- it’s like I wasn’t even there. And when I moved here and we started living together? Jesus, Lena. It’s like sometimes you forget clothes are a thing.
—Sorry —Apologized Silena, instantly feeling her cheeks getting flushed.
She did take ages getting ready when she had to go out. And, now that she thought about it, she almost always was in her underwear or silk robe while she did that.
But that wasn’t her fault!
She just hated when she applied makeup and the collar of her blouses became stained with her foundation, or when she brushed her teeth and a little bit of toothpaste fell on her chest.
Getting dressed was the last thing she usually did before leaving the house and, if the temperature was nice, she didn’t have a reason to wear other clothes while doing herself up.
—It’s okay —Continued Clarisse—. I was just sure that, if I told you, we would lose that kind of… intimate trust. I didn’t want you eyeing me suspiciously or scared any time your cleavage was showing a little more, or quickly adjusting your straps when they fell off your shoulder, or-
—Clarisse! —Scolded Silena, not being able to help the scowl on her face—. I would never do that! It offends me you even thought I could ever look at you like… like some kind of predator!
—Sorry —Apologized Clarisse, running a frustrated hand through her hair—. Sorry, I just… Sorry.
—Did I make you uncomfortable? —Asked Silena—. All those times I changed in front of you or walked around the apartment… barely dressed? I swear, if I had had the slightest idea… I would never have put you in that position.
—No, don’t worry. It’s okay —Reassured Clarisse. After a moment, a small smile turned up the corner of her lips—. You just made me develop a torticollis for all the time I spent looking at the ceiling.
Silena laughed, feeling the previous anxiousness leave her body with that simple action.
—But, like, I also wasn't any good at hiding it —Continued Clarisse—. I think everybody knew except for you. I mean, your siblings made jokes about it all the time, even to our face. Are you seriously telling me you never noticed… anything?
—I mean… I’m not stupid, of course I noticed something between us, but I thought it was merely platonic! Like… like we had some deep, extra special, friendship bond.
Clarisse snorted.
—Seriously? “The bestest of friends”? “Just gals being pals”?
Silena rolled her eyes and playfully bumped her shoulder against Clarisse’s.
—Don’t laugh at me! It sounds silly when you put it like that, but it would have never in a million years occurred to me that you liked me that way!
—Why? You knew I liked girls and… well you are a girl. The most beautiful, captivating girl of this world, on top of it. How could I ever not fall for you? —Clarisse made a brief pause, as she seemed to consider something thoroughly—. Was it that hard to imagine us liking each other that way? To imagine us… together?
—No! No, God, no; it’s nothing like that —Silena was quick to answer—. You are a very attractive… You are the most handsome woman ever. And you know that; I say it to you all the time. But I just… I just thought... —She felt her cheeks getting redder and warmer one more time—. Um, I thought you only liked girls you.
—What, sapphics? That’s kinda the whole point.
—No, not that. Or, well, not only that. I… I’m a girly girl. I’m the girliest girl. And… you hate girly things. You always played with toy swords and wore boys’ clothes and preferred everything masculine, so I thought… I thought…
—You thought I wanted to date another butch.
—Well… yeah.
—Oh my God —Clarisse buried her face in her hands and groaned—. Lena, that's not how it works… or how it works for me, at least. I hate girly things on me, but I love them on other women —She uncovered her face, only to look Silena in the eyes with the most pure adoration—. I swoon every time you wear your pink dresses and floral skirts and do your hair in those adorable curls. It melts my heart with love for you every single day.
—Oh.
Silena looked down at her forgotten mug. For once in her life, she didn’t know what the right thing to say was.
Suddenly, she was looking back at all their years of friendship with other eyes. So all those hugs, all those cuddles, all those kisses on the cheek, on the forehead, on the shoulder… they hadn’t always been merely platonic? What did that mean for her? Had her own feelings always been platonic towards Clarisse? Had she-
Her train of thoughts stopped all of a sudden when a firm hand took hers and brought her back to Earth.
—This doesn’t have to change anything —Stated Clarisse—. I just needed to get it out my chest and be honest with you about my feelings. But I'm a big girl; I'll get over it. I promise it won’t get weird. Nothing has to change between us.
Silena bit her lower lip.
—Can I have some time to process this before we continue this conversation? I think I need to think a lot… about a lot of things.
—Of course —Clarisse carefully stood up from the sofa—. You can have all the time in the world. As I said, I’ll rent a hotel room. I'll give you privacy to do all that thinking alone.
Clarisse tried to let go of her hand, but Silena did not let her. She looked up at her and prayed that her eyes weren’t as openly vulnerable as she felt them.
—Is it unfair if I ask you to stay? Is it too much? I don't want to cross any of your boundaries.
—No, it is not —With the softest look on her warm eyes, Clarisse sat back next to her and put an arm around her back—. As you said, we will always be best friends. I'm here for you, always.
Silena sighed in content, letting the familiar feeling of Clarisse’s arms embrace her completely.
—Do you want to watch a movie? —Asked Clarisse.
—Yes, please.
—Barbie in the Nutcracker?
Silena smiled and leaned her head on Clarisse’s shoulder.
—You know me so well.
A pair of chapped lips smiled against her temple before leaving the most tender kiss on that same place.
—You know I do, princess.