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Sleep was hard anymore.
It often didn’t matter that Rowan was asleep next to her, when the Gods awful nightmares drug her out of the bliss of a deep sleep. Not even the sound of his breathing and his heart soothed her. She was thankful for his understanding, that he understood her on a level not many people could. They’d only discussed it once, briefly, but she remembered. He’d suffered similarly, long before she’d even been a thought to be brought into the world.
Her footsteps echoed on in her ears as she moved through the castle. The padding of each step was like a scream in the silence of the night. But bare feet made their way through the halls from their chambers, and into the throne room. A true throne sat upon a dias now. Not just the most ornate chair they could find in the remaining rubble of her once great home.
It was great again. Terrasen had managed to rise from the ashes of the war. Orynth was beautiful again, as it had been when she was a child at the height of it’s glory. She should not have lived to see it.
She took a seat upon the gilded throne of golden stag horns, made of metal and not the symbolic shed horns of the Stag of the North like the original. It would take centuries to rebuild that piece of her Kingdom’s history.
In the dark silence, Aelin curled up in the throne that was far too large for her. Even with all the weight she’d put back on thanks to her training and regular meals. It still held a certain level of intimidation to her, even now. It was here where reality fell upon her shoulders. It was here, that she had no choice but to embrace the things that had happened to her, because there was no escaping them.
The war was over. She’d survived when she had been destined to die. And she didn’t have nearly enough distractions to keep her from falling into the spiraling pit of what had been done to her. She had no choice but to embrace the horrors of the months she’d lost trapped in an endless cycle of relentless torment that had torn at parts of her she’d long thought laid to rest.
“Can’t sleep?”
Aelin looked up to where she found Fenrys, standing in the massive doorway, down the aisle from her. He didn’t wait for an answer as he made his way towards her. He looked just as tired as she felt, and she knew that he likely hadn’t slept either. At least not well.
She tried to force a smile. “I got a little bit. Had another nightmare though, and then my foot cramped up, felt like it was being torn apart. Couldn’t go back to sleep after that.” She couldn’t keep the smile in place. It fell into a frown as she watched him continue his lazy approach. She met his eyes, and made note of the five blinks. This is real, you are awake.
“She’s dead and I still can’t find peace.” A broken laugh bubbled from her throat. How many nights had seen them here? How many of those nights had Fenrys spent apologizing to her, for the belief that he had not done enough to save her?
He hadn’t had a choice, and as selfish as it was, she was just glad he was alive.
“I know.” He answered.
“It’s like waiting for a bomb to drop.” Aelin breathed, as he came to stand in front of her. “The thing that’ll shatter the illusion.” Because there was always something someone said or did that shattered Maeve’s illusions.
Fenrys nodded, then he offered his own explanation. “I dreamed of Connall again.”
Aelin knew what that meant. It hadn’t been a happy dream, no, it had been his mind reminding him of the sticky warmth of his brother’s blood. Of what Maeve had made him do after his death while his body laid lifeless mere feet away.
“I’m sorry.” She tried to blink back the tears that welled up in her eyes. “I wish I could make everything right and still save everyone. I wish I could give him back to you.” Words she’d said so many times they felt rehearsed, even if she meant them every time they fell from her lips.
“I know.” He said again, “I know you’d do anything to make it right, but this is how it is, Aelin. And I would not give you up for anything in the world.”
The tears slipped free in spite of her best efforts to keep them trapped. So few people had seen her weakness. The ones who remained alive, she could count on her fingers. But Fenrys had seen her at her weakest. Had been there to save her life, had stopped that final breaking. Had nearly killed himself to do it. “Not a single fucking thing.” She agreed.
Bound. She and Fenrys were bound in a way entirely unique. He had borne the worst of her weakness and had been her strength when she feared she’d give up. Fenrys had saved her life, just as much as she’d saved his.
“Do you want to try to go back to sleep?” He asked, holding out his hand.
Aelin placed hers in his, and let him guide her to her feet. “Probably smart. We’ve got a lot of shit to do later.”
Before she could take another step towards the stairs, Fenrys pulled her into his arms, a hand stroked over her hair, and his voice was a whisper in her ear as he held her. “I know it’s hard, but we’ll get through it. One day at a time. Until we find our reasons to smile on the other side.”
He released her, and in a flash of light a white wolf had taken the place of his fae form, nudging at her hand.
Fenrys led the way back to her chambers, where Rowan still breathed steadily. She climbed back into the bed, settling herself against him. Rowan shifted in his sleep to accommodate the return of her weight against him. Familiar safe arms wrapped around her, and Fenrys leapt onto the bed, his massive white form settling behind her legs, the warm softness of his fur, and her mate’s heartbeat lulling her back into the depths of a dreamless sleep.