Work Text:
it was easy to love dan.
something about his laugh, the look in his eyes when he got passionate about something, the way he did work, the way he organized his possessions and kept himself on a strict schedule; something about him was so effortless to be attracted to.
it was never hard for phil to love dan.
the real problem was dan loving himself.
it was easy to love work, easy to pour yourself into something so completely that it silences the murmurs in your head repeating all the bad things shouted at you as a child.
that was something phil didn't have a frame of reference for the way dan did, and part of him wished he did. just so he could feel whatever dan felt in those moments where a situation grew too big for him to face, and he pressed down everything that made him so lovable in the first place.
something in the recent months had changed dan, making him that shell of someone hiding from a burning past. alone in their home, dan treated himself like the world was watching. he kept his gaze limited, pulled his aura close to himself and hid himself in it like a blanket. he stared at nothing in particular, just to keep his eyes occupied on something that wasn't whatever he had built for himself in phil.
every glance felt bitter. every moment out of his room felt stifling, like the oxygen around him was being sucked out of the room before he could take a breath in.
it was easy to love dan, but not when he was afraid of being loved.
phil spent his time alone, now. he watched the time tick by alone on the couch, alone in the kitchen making dinner, alone in his thoughts when all the lights were off and he couldn't do anything to distract him.
time would pass where it felt easier for phil to be out of the house than sitting in the unspoken shame dan brought into every room. they weren't ever in the same room anymore, unless it was a work obligation.
phil knew it wasn't him, but when the hours dragged by without dan insomuch as sitting in the same room as him, his confidence in his innocence began to waver.
it should be easy to love dan, but it's hard when he doesn't talk to you.
phil would kick his legs up on the sofa that seemed infinitely longer without dan sitting next to him, and wonder if dan thought about how they were before this. when they would look at each other like they were the only real people in the world. when it was nice to have someone attached to you everywhere you went.
they were inseparable, and now they were just the opposite.
phil tried not to dwell on how selfish he felt dan was being, shutting himself off like this. the world wasn't all about him. but phil needed to remind himself that this wasn't about him either, as much as it was targeting him when dan refused to speak to him for days on end. it didn't really make it easier to ration with, but it felt like something he had to tell himself to keep himself from doing exactly what everyone else had already done to dan, pushing him to this corner of sour-tasting emotions and self-sabotaging behavior.
if he blew up at him, he would be no better than the people that made dan hide himself like this in the first place.
but it's difficult to rationalize that there's no one you can really be angry at in these circumstances.
dan channeled that anger into his work, but phil didn't know what to do with that pent-up energy. he didn't work like dan did, and that upset him, too. dan could push out video scripts and radio show segments until the end of time when he was committed to showing everyone around him that he deserved whatever success he held.
dan felt stronger without phil sometimes, and phil hated that.