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In his room, Spamton paces back and forth nervously in the dark. His pointer finger is lodged between his teeth as he occasionally bites it. He briefly stops his pacing to look at the rotary phone. He’s been trying to call his benefactor for the past hour. Or has it been two? Or four? Spamton doesn’t know, he just wants them to answer.
Quit bothering them, Spamton’s mind scolds.
But I need them now, he argues back to himself.
“One more time...”
Spamton rushes over and picks up the receiver. He dials the number once more by muscle memory. The phone rings for a bit. He then hears nothing but garbage noise. “Still not picking up... DAMMIT!” He slams the receiver back down.
“Why can’t you just call me first? Nooo, I’ve got to be the one to do it!” He knew why they couldn’t make first contact, but it was still a pain to have to wait for them. This was probably the longest they’ve had to wait. But he couldn’t wait, he NEEDED them! They were the one pulling the strings behind the scenes, they were the ones with the big ideas.
Maybe he could try to come up with something on his own. Think up some new ideas, and if they still haven't picked up by tomorrow, they’d choose the best option and run with it. Yeah!
...no. Spamton couldn’t come up with a sales pitch if he tried. As much as he hated to admit it, he only got to where he is now because of his benefactor. Nothing he did before worked until they showed up. He needed them. Now.
“One more time...”
He reaches once more for the phone when a rapid series of knocks startle him.
“Spamton Dear It Is I Queen”
Spamton freezes. He can’t have any distractions right now, even if it was Queen. He tries not to make any noise in hopes she’d think he wasn’t there and leave. His job was on the line and she didn’t need to know that.
“I Know You’re In There You Literally Never Leave The Mansion (Plus I Heard You Shouting Earlier)”
Dammit! Dammit!! DAMMIT!!! Curse his workaholic nature and naturally loud voice.
“[Your Call Has Been Sent To An Automated Voicemail.]” Spamton bluffs with his autofill voice. “SPAMTON G. SPAMTON [Is Not Available]”
He hears Queen laugh. “That’s So Funny, Anyways Spamton G. Spamton Come Out Of Your Room And Hang Out With Your Wonderful Friend Slash Ruler AKA: Me”
“UH... IS THIS OPTIONAL?” Spamton questions.
“Hmm Nope” Of course it wasn’t. How foolish of him to ask. “Come On Out Right Now Before I Knock Down This Door Myself, Or I Could Ask One Of The Swatchlings To Carry You Out.”
Being dragged out by Queen sounded embarrassing enough, but by one of the Swatchlings...
Spamton feels his cheeks heat up. Being held by one of them did sound nice, but also he wanted to keep his door attached to its hinges (as well as keep his dignity attached to himself).
“I’LL BE OUT IN [1] MINUTE!” Spamton gets up and checks over himself in the full length mirror. Even in the dark he can make out his reflection with the minimal light source from the city outside. He’s been wearing the same suit for the past who knows how long and his hair is disheveled. He only had 47 seconds left, so he simply takes off his suit jacket, readjusts his tie, and slicks his hair back. There, that was presentable enough, not that Queen would care. Spamton makes a mental note to buy more hair dye.
30 seconds have passed already, but he’s not done getting ready yet. He still needs to take care of the thing. Going back to the suit jacket on the ground, Spamton rummages through it until he finds what he’s looking for. It’s a simple pair of dealmakers he found a while back. He wishes they didn’t have two different colored lenses, but they’d have to do. He puts them on and, with nine seconds left to spare, he takes a deep breath and opens the door.
“There You Are Spammy Wammy” Queen greets. The nickname is new, Spamton notes. Even when she shows up at inconvenient times, it was nice to see her.
“I’M HERE NOW, QUEEN! I’M IN THE MIDDLE OF SOME, AND LET ME EMPHASIZE, [Important] WORK, SO WHAT DO YOU- [[Woah nelly!!!]]” He didn’t have time to finish his sentence as Queen was already dragging him by the hand down the hall.
“No Time To Talk We Must Be Going” She took big strides as she took the small salesman with her across the palace.
“G-GO WHERE?” Spamton questioned.
“To The Acid Rivers Of Course” The words ‘DUH’ flash across Queen’s visor, shining a blindingly bright red. “I Was Thinking Maybe The Two Of Us Could Take A Quick Ride In The Swan Boats And Talk More”
The swan boats? Weren’t those kinds of things reserved for dates? “I AM PERFECTLY FINE WITH US TALKING HOW WE WERE BEFORE?” Spamton hopes she doesn’t notice the nervousness in his voice. He can only imagine how red his face is from blushing.
“Through The Door? Oh Don’t Be Ridiculous!” Queen laughs as they take a sudden turn, Spamton almost getting his head knocked into the wall. “Who Would Want To Talk To Somebody Through A Door?”
“...ANYONE INTERESTED IN A [[Knock-Knock]] JOKE?” Spamton pitches.
Unfortunately for him, she doesn’t catch. “Well We Can Tell Plenty Of Jokes On The Swan Boat” Speaking of, the two were soon at said boat in question. It was a nice white swan, with a possible repaint job as it looked too nice. Spamton was sure the boat had been here longer than him. His focus is broken when he feels Queen’s hands reach underneath his arms.
“Ready To Get In?” Queen asks. It then dawned on Spamton what she was going to do.
“LET ME GET IN MYSELF!!!” he yells before she could pick him up. Queen is shocked, but understands and lets him go.
“I’m Sorry Spamton I Didn’t Mean To Upset You” Queen looks genuinely hurt. Spamton didn’t mean to yell at her, but he also didn’t want to be picked up into the boat.
“[It’s All Good!]” Spamton reassures. “JUST REMEMBER THAT I AM AN ADULT AND NOT A [Little Sponge].” He was short but he wasn’t helpless. He was the first into the boat, sitting where the swan’s neck would be facing his back. Queen was next, sitting opposite of him. Her knees were close together, but she didn’t look cramped or uncomfortable.
“I Just Want Us Both To Have A Good Day Today” Queen explains. “And What Better Way To Do That Then With A Swan Boat Built For Two?” She claps her hands and the swan boat begins its journey. A sickeningly sweet tune plays over the intercom. Spamton is nervous, not knowing what to say. No one has ever invited him on hangouts quite like this. Hell, he had no choice in this, he was quite literally dragged over. He found it quite difficult to look at Queen at the moment, instead focusing on the side of the boat and looking at the flow of the acid rivers. Occasionally they would pass a tiny model house or two.
He can’t focus right now. His mind is still plagued with the telephone. What if his benefactor finally made it back and is just waiting for him. If the rivers weren’t made of acid, Spamton would dive right out of the boats and swim back to his room to check. This was why he didn’t like to leave his room. He had to keep on working, or else everything he did to get where he is now would mean nothing. He couldn’t go back to before, he just couldn’t.
Queen must’ve been tired of the silence so she began a conversation. “Isn’t This Great Spamton? I Had Originally Suggested That The Music Playing Over Be Bit Crushed But I Was Turned Down, Apparently It Would’ve Ruined The Mood, And I’m Just Like What The Heck (Hell) Man I Just Want A Swan Boat What Does Mood Have To Do With It?”
This piques Spamton’s interest. “YOU DO KNOW WHAT SWAN BOATS WERE BUILT FOR RIGHT?”
“Of Course I Do I Was Made To Know These Things, But I Find The Tunnel Of Love Concept Silly, Why Would We Need A Tunnel We Are Literally Indoors Already Hello?” She gestures towards the air. “Maybe I Just Want To Chill And Relax On A Fancy Looking Boat With Friends While Looking At Tiny Model Houses”
Spamton finally looks at Queen, his nerves from before slightly dwindling. “AH, I [[see]]. I WASN’T EXACTLY SURE WHY YOU CHOSE HERE OF ALL PLACES. BUT THIS IS ALL [[100% Platonic]] [[Guaranteed]]?”
Queen laughs. “Of Course It Is Spamton Dear And I Wouldn’t Want It Anything More Than That”
“SAME!” Spamton exclaims. Queen was beautiful in her own ways, but he couldn’t really see a relationship happening between the two.
Queen changes the topic. “Hey Did You Hear About The Guy Who’s Head Got Hit With A Glass Of Acid?”
This was news to him. “NO?
“Well He’s Okay, He Just Got Into A Bit Of An Acid Dent”
It takes a while for the joke to click before Spamton is left chuckling. “THAT WAS [[Awful]]!”
“You Were Talking About Jokes Earlier So I Thought About Some To Make, Also My Jokes Are Never Awful, Proof: You Laughed”
“WELL I GOT ONE THAT’S WORSE! WHAT DID THE PSYCHIC SAY TO THEIR MOTHER ABOUT THE SHADY AUTO DEALERSHIP?”
“I Don’t Know What”
“BAD CAR, MA!’
“Oh You’re Right That Is A Bad One” Queen chuckles. For the majority of the boat ride, the two proceed to make terrible more terrible puns. Spamton no longer feels nervous and he completely forgets about his benefactor.
After a while, the conversation shifts to simple casual talk. Queen talks a bit about how her day went, with her finishing up her latest mixtape. She would’ve offered to share it with Spamton, but conveniently (and fortunately for him) she forgot to carry it on her person, so instead she talked about how she was thinking about modifying the portraits in her hallways with built-in flamethrowers so that they’d occasionally spit fire. When Spamton asks why, she just responds with “Seems Cool”. That was just why Queen did what she did, he notes.
When Spamton talks about his work, he finds he doesn’t have much to say about it. It’s just simple Addison work. Okay, maybe it’s more than just simple, considering he’s the most successful Addison in all of cyber city, but still. It wasn’t much to write home about. So instead he just makes it brief about his job and ends it by saying he’s glad to be where he is now.
“I NEVER EVEN THOUGHT I WOULD GET HERE.”
“Never?”
Spamton shakes his head. “IT WASN’T EVEN [[End Goal]]. I KNOW OTHERS WOULD KILL TO BE WHERE I AM, AND I DEFINITELY DIDN’T WANT TO LET THIS OPPORTUNITY GO TO WASTE, BUT I’M HAPPY THAT I AM WHERE I AM AND IF DIDN’T TAKE IT, THEN WE WOULDN’T BE HERE RIGHT NOW.”
“Aww How Sweet” Spamton blushes with embarrassment. “Your Friends Must Be So Proud Of You”
Spamton freezes, his smile faltering. “Yeah. They were.” He looks away from Queen to instead look at his lap. His hands are instinctively balled into fist and his mind fills up with static.
“So you decide to show up now?”
“OF COURSE. WHY WOULDN’T I VISIT AN OLD FRIEND?”
“We aren’t friends anymore. You made that clear when you became good at your job.”
“SO YOU WOULD RATHER I FAIL AND GO BACK TO THE SPAMTON I WAS BEFORE?”
“At least the old you remembered that we exist. At least the old you didn’t make me want to punch you every time I saw your face on an ad or a billboard.”
“YOU’RE JUST JEALOUS I’M BETTER AT MY JOB THAN YOU!!!”
WHAM!
“You Know Spamton I Can’t Help But Notice Your New Eyewear”
Crap! He let his mind wander and forgot about Queen. He looks back up at her, noting her slight look of concern and confusion.
“I’M SORRY, COULD YOU SAY THAT AGAIN?” Spamton asks.
“I Was Thinking Something Was Different About You When I Picked You Up And I Just Now Realized You’re Wearing Glasses Indoors”
One of Spamton’s hands moves to his face, his fingers brushing underneath his lenses, under where the thing was. “MY DEALMAKERS? WHAT ABOUT THEM?”
“It’s Just That They’re So Ugly” Queen laughs, the words LMAO flashing on her visor. “They Clash Horribly With Your Suit”
Spamton chuckles a bit. “YEAH, THESE THINGS ARE A BIT OF AN [[Eyesore]].”
“They Also Remind Me Of Swatch’s Glasses, You Know Swatch Right?”
“OF COURSE I DO.” Queen’s head butler, leader of the Swatchlings, and head employee of the color café. That was as much as Spamton knew, but he did know about them. Not that he was keeping track, but if Spamton had to rank the Swatchlings in terms of style, Swatch would definitely be #1 on his list (with the rest of them being #2 as they all looked the same).
“Though All My Swatchings Have A Dress Code I Let Swatch Be A Bit More Loose With Theirs As They’re Head Butler And All” Queen explains. “They Take Their Outfits Very Seriously You Know” Spamton could definitely relate to that. His red suit was basically trademarked Spamton G. Spamton, and anyone trying to take his look was either a phony or some news reporter on a slow news day.
“So Anyways I Only Bring Them Up Because They Were Talking With Me Yesterday About How They Saw You Wearing Those Dealythingys And How They Didn’t Much Like It,” Spamton briefly remembers seeing them yesterday. He had just stopped by Color Cafe for dinner as he hadn’t eaten anything that day and was practically starving. He had worn the dealmakers yesterday as well. “Swatch Isn’t A Fan Of Anyone Copying Their Style, They Don’t Want To Be A Trendsetter Or Cause Any Attention To Themself”
“[[NO NO NO NONONO N O]]!!” Spamton scrambles to make himself clear. “I WASN’T [[Ctrl C, Ctrl V]] THEM!! I PROMISE!”
“So What’s The Deal With Them Then?” Queen’s visor flashes a HA, probably because of the unintentional pun. The nervousness Spamton was feeling before creeps back up to him. He doesn’t want to tell her why, she doesn’t need to worry about him.
Queen snaps her fingers in front of Spamton’s face, getting his attention. “Sorry It’s Just That When You Space Out Your Glasses Get All Staticy And It’s Really Freaky” Is that why he hears static whenever he dissociates? Have they been doing that the whole time?! But he would hear it even before he got the dealmakers, so was it him making them do that? More snapping, he was doing it again.
“SORRY [[Sorry]].”
“If It’s None Of My Business Then We Can Just Move On And Pretend This Never Happened”
“NO, I THINK YOU DESERVE TO KNOW. IT’S NOTHING I’M EMBARRASSED ABOUT, JUST NOT SOMETHING ONE WOULD WANT TO SEE.” It wasn’t a lie. Slowly, Spamton removes his glasses, letting Queen see the thing he was hiding. She moves in closer to get a better look at his face. He had a black eye, making it difficult for him to see out of the right side of his face. It had healed within the past few days but it was still so obviously present.
A hand flies to Queen’s face. “Oh My That Is Nasty (Gross)”
Spamton rolls his eyes and puts his dealmakers back on. “THANKS.”
“How Did Something Like This Happen?” she asks. “Did You Get In A Fight? If So Why Didn’t I Hear About This, I Would’ve Loved To See It”
“IT’S NOT EXACTLY A PLEASANT FIGHT. I JUST ENDED UP BEING AT THE WRONG PLACE AT THE WRONG TIME AND ENDED UP PAYING THE PRICE.” Once again it wasn’t a lie, but he also didn’t want to say the whole truth.
“I See. I’m Sorry That Had Happened, I Understand Now Why You Weren’t Leaving.”
“YEAH. THAT WAS IT.” Better she think it was that then...
CRAP HIS BENEFACTOR!!! He forgot all about them! “HEY THIS HAD BEEN A NICE TRIP AND ALL, BUT WHEN DOES THE RIDE END?”
Queen looks upset and Spamton panics. “Spammy Dear You Think I’m Just Going To Let You Leave Looking Like That? I Don’t Mind If You Become A Shut In But You Should At Least Get That Checked.” At the same time, the swan boat comes to a halt. Spamton immediately scrambles to get out, Queen following suit. Queen calls attention to a Swatchling that’s nearby.
“Could You Take Spamton To The Medical Wing And Make Sure His Shiner Isn’t Infected?” The Swatchling nods their head. Queen turns her attention back to Spamton.
“Spamton Dear I Had A Lovely Day Today And Would Like To Hang Out With You Again Sometime” She smiles at him, but there’s a hint of worry behind her visor.
“O-OF COURSE!” He stammers. “I’M SORRY I RUINED IT AT THE END BUT I DID HAVE FUN!”
“You Didn’t Ruin Anything, I Promise” Then to Spamton’s surprise, Queen gets down on one knee and puts her hands to Spamton’s face, her thumb instinctively rubbing against the right side of his face. “If You Need To Talk To Me About Anything Spamton, I Will Help You However I Can”
Spamton’s face heats up, but he simply nods. With that, Queen gets up and begins walking off. “Well I Need To Get Going Now. You Two Know What To Do (Goodbye)!” And she’s gone.
“Mister Spamton, please follow me,” the Swatchling guides. Spamton has no choice but to follow them to the medical wing. Oh boy...
Spamton would rather stay in his room with his phone, but even with the minor hiccups along the way, he had a pleasant time. He wouldn’t mind another swan boat ride anytime soon.