Archive of Our Own ^beta

I haven’t gotten rid of that habit of mine. Now that I talk with people, I don’t imagine what they think of me anymore, but I like imagining other versions of reality. Like one where you were never murdered, and you actually died from your pancreas not working properly.

Maybe one day I’ll write a book about it.

About what that day would’ve been like. You would’ve entered Spring Café with a loud greeting, and maybe would have ordered something you had never tried from the menu. You would have acted like everything in your life was as ordinary as any other schoolgirl, not like you had just been discharged from the hospital. But then, you’d bring up your list of things to do before you thought you would die, and how we needed to go to the beach.

If we had gone to the beach that day, I wonder if someone else would’ve been murdered in your place. Was it just a coincidence? Wrong place, wrong time, wrong girl. I try not to think about it. There’s no imagined future where I can find a fair resolution.

If you had dragged me to the beach, I’m sure you would’ve been there in a bikini. Not that you liked to show off, or that you’d try something weird on me again. But you were that type of girl. Always confident, never hiding. You would’ve made fun of me for staying in a loose jacket, and you would’ve tried to make me take it off. But no one wants to see a boring guy shirtless.

Sometimes I miss that bright sun and the feeling of water splashing against my skin as if I had lived that moment, that day. And then I can’t stop myself from imagining other days.

It’s been a month since I started university. We never really talked about exams, so I like guessing what university and what department you would’ve chosen. But maybe you wouldn’t have gotten in your first choice.

Kyoko got herself a boyfriend. One of the guys in our year, Issei Miyata. She’s still mad at me. I think a few months ago, it stopped being the real thing, and she’s just pretending now. Or maybe it’s the way she likes to act. I can see why she was your best friend. But maybe it will always be present tense for her.

Speaking in the past tense about you was a natural thing. Part of accepting reality. You died. You were no longer alive, so you no longer were anything. But the truth is the present tense suits you better. I hate to admit it, but sometimes Kyoko knows you better than I do. The good news is, I’m always learning new things about you, about who you were before we started talking. But she is right. You are still Sakura. You didn’t have the chance to change, to stop being, stop behaving in the ways you did.

Perhaps it’s my own selfishness. I need you to stay the way you are so that I can keep changing. You are my reference.

What if I had never changed, and you did? Would that have given you a few more months, even years? It’s really conceited, thinking I made as much of a difference in your life as you made in mine. But if I did, I hope it was for the better. I really do.