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everyone had their off days now and then. the members of seventeen never liked showing their "fragile" side but did when it was absolutely necessary.
before debut, it was very hard for all the members to cope with the stress, having exe trainees leaving one by one, waking up early to practise, losing their childhood. that's when they decided of the idea. little space. each of the members would slip every now and then to relieve some stress. it started off with seungkwan who voluntarily tried it out, then chan. other members like woozi and seungcheol were hesitant about trying it but the members were patient.
it was hard when the management first caught the leader in head space. it was only his second time slipping and ever since the moment they walked in, seungcheol was always afraid to fall into headspace, being the leader with all their burden eventhough the management accepted it. in fact, their managers and staff even took care of the ones who slipped if the other members were busy.
this method had been working really well, keeping a calendar to check in when each of the members last slipped so they would know of anyone is suppressing their head space.
seungcheol was used to suppressing his head space he could go on for months without slipping despite the members begs.
"seungcheol hyung this isn't good for you"
"seungchol-ah... please listen"
the countless amount of nagging he got from his other members still didn't do the trick until his anxiety and stress was getting so bad that he had to go on hiatus.
it was pain for seungcheol. it was the hardest decision of his life. he didn't want to leave his members. who would hold up the team? but seungcheol gave in, and he was willing to get better. some days were tougher than others but seungcheol pushed through with high doses of his medication.
that moment was in the past, a little less than a year ago to be exact. seungcheol was now focusing on the present, getting ready to leave after a long interview. seventeen we're currently promoting for semicolon.
seungcheol started to notice how he constantly spaced out for the past week, he started to notice how he bounced his knee, how his heart would be too fast then too slow then skip a beat, how sometimes it felt like he was running out of breath. he knew the consequences from last time, yet he didn't say anything, do anything.
"seungcheol?" he heard a voice coming from his right.
"yeah?" seungcheol asked but his voice came out shaky.
he prayed that none of the members noticed.
"are you coming out for dinner tonight?" jeonghan asked, putting his hand in seungcheol's thigh.
fuck.
did jeonghan notice?
"I-I'm okay," seungcheol mentally cussed at himself for stuttering.
"if you say so," jeonghan shrugged as the bus became loud again, filled with the excited members.
seungcheol was dropped at the dorms first, the vocal and hip hop team going to a restaurant, in hopes of getting drunk after a long day while the performance team to a karaoke room where they'll probably be dragging back a drunk hoshi.
after washing up, seungcheol wrapped himself underneath his blankets. for a split second he out his hand under his bed to grab his stuffed teddy but he retracted his arm in a fast motion.
"what the fuck am I doing..." he asked himself, "I'm going out of my mind."
seungcheol got up, pacing around the room he didn't want to fall into little space. even when the members weren't here, but what if- NO WHAT IFS!!
his mind was all tangled up, in need of a stress relief.
he sat down for a moment, attempting to write lyrics but after five minutes, scrunching the paper up and tossing it in the bin, pacing around his room once again. he attempted to play video games but he felt as if he was doing nothing. he went to grab a snack from the kitchen but his mind was telling him not to eat despite his last meal being 9 hours ago and that's how he found himself pacing around his room again and all of a sudden it felt like he was losing control.
seungcheol stopped in the middle of his room, his body in shock, his hand jerked for a minute before shaking. his hands made his way to his head, pulling at his hair. tears spilled from the corned of his eyes, dropping into the carpet beneath him, his breathing became faster. he hadn't experienced this for a while.
as soon as seungcheol gained back control, he ran over to his bedside table, getting the key and hastily unlocking the cabinet filled with his meds. taking out an orange bottle he poured a pill onto his hand before swallowing it dry, attempting to calm his uneven breathing.
"holy shit what is happening to me," he spoke to himself.
he told himself he needed to take a break, lying down again he took his cell phone out. he found his heart dragging his finger towards the youtube icon then to a korean cartoon.
again, he snapped back to reality, "I can't do this," he said in a raspy voice, throwing his phone to the other side of the room.
he thought of the members probably having fun at their destinations. it made him miss them more. it made him think about being cared for which made him feel all warm inside. NO NO SEUNGCHEOL what are you thinking. maybe he should have gone along with them. no, what if he slipped while everyone was watching. that would be so embarassing.
a thought popped into seungcheol's head at that exact moment. what if he slipped himself. he was alone anyways and the members wouldn't see him being little. buy then the remembered, rule number 1, never slip without a caregiver with you. but maybe rules were meant for breaking. seungcheol never fell too deep into little space anyways so he was sure he would be able to handle it on his own. plus, who knew when the next time he would have the dorms to himself.
the boy bit his lip, the bitter taste of blood leaked onto his tongue. he felt like bursting into tears. embarassment, shame, nervousness, all negative emotions piling up inside. even after taking the pill he felt quite distraught and confused.
a warm, fuzzy feeling filling his body. a small sob left his lips. he crawled to his bed, feeling half in headspace. he took out his only stuffed animal which was becoming worn out and ripped, after all it has been 6 years since he was given it by the members for being so "brave" for them.
feeling the softness of the material only made seungcheol slip further into his headspace. maybe even babyspace. he couldn't tell how old he was but assuming from the way it felt more frustrating to talk then usual, possibly 1-2.
he out his finger in his mouth, sucking it until it became pale and dry. be sat, leaning against his cream walls as his eyes dropped from crying and almost falling into a horrible panic attack.
meanwhile when seungcheol was busy talking to himself, the door of the dorms creaked open, appearing jeonghan. the other members were still at their destinations but jeonghan came home early because he had a small "headache" and wanted to go check on seungcheol.
"seungcheol?" jeonghan called quietly through the walls of the dorm.
a soft babbling was heard from not to far away, jeonghan's eyes widened, easily recognising the sound as he raced to the older male's, room.
he unlatched the door within a second, opening it in a swift movement. seungcheol was sitting in the middle oh his room, playing with a torn stuffed animal, hand in his mouth and babbling to himself.
as soon as the door opened seungcheols eyes widened in fear and all of a sudden things were becoming too fast again. he was losing control.
"a-appa," seungcheol spoke with his last breath.
his brain felt fuzzy in not a good way, his vision was crawling in, his breathing became heavier as he wrapped his hands around his neck to signal to jeonghan that he was having trouble breathing.
jeonghan immediately gasped, rushing over to the poor boy, picking him up and placing him on his lap, bouncing his knee slowly, "hey baby, it's okay you're safe now. it's only you and me you don't have to worry."
a sob came out of seungcheol's mouth and jeonghan could still hear his pained breathing.
"breathe with me please," jeonghan said as he started to count.
seungcheol attempted to keep his breaths steady but he felt like drowning in a storm of waves that swallowed innocent swimmers.
clear, small tears fell down his soft face, sharp breaths pumping in and out of his chest.
his forehead became sweaty, dark bangs covering his panicked eyes.
in again out.
the waves became less strong and soon he was able to swim to the surface.
slowly, after a few more breaths, seungcheol's breathing was coming back to normal, "a-appa" he sobbed out.
"it's okay. it's okay," jeonghan repeated, "you poor baby, you must've been so stressed."
seungcheol babbled around the pacifier that jeonghan had stuffed into his mouth. his eyes became heavier at every small breath. he was exhausted after all.
meanwhile, jeonghan laid on the comforting bed, lights dimmer with a smol seungcheol in his arms. he brushed seungcheols hair lightly, many thoughts rushing through his mind.
when did it get so bad again?
should I tell the other members?
what made him slip into such a young headspace.
what has he been keeping from me?
and just as the main door creaked open once again, jeonghan let his eyes become heavy.
the next morning, jeonghan woke up to an ethereal seungcheol lying next to him.
usually seungcheol came out of headspace after a nice rest but it wasn't the case today. jeonghan could tell by the boy's eyes.
"how are you feeling?" jeonghan asked, patting seungcheol's back making him feel all warm.
when jeonghan was only returned with a nod, he thought 'thats unusual. seungcheol wasn't one of the quiet moments in headspace' like minghao who prefered doing his own thing with a caregiver nearby.
"hey baby, how old are you feeling?"
seungcheol held up three fingers but still remained quiet.
he got up from where he was and sat at a small green table which had some colouring books and crayons.
jeonghan let the boy do his own thing in case he needed some time alone to reflect. seungcheol did that a lot both in and out of little space.
soon enough seungcheol was in his clingy space of mine rather than alone, reaching with grabby hands towards jeonghan and a whine to get his attention.
jeonghan lifted the boy up and spun him around, causing the boy to burst into a fit of giggles.
"do you want to have lunch?"
seungcheol pouted. although he was in littlespace he was still aware that if he was going to eat he would face the members.
"cheollie we really need to talk to the members so we can help you with that you're going through. I'm not forcing you but I really think it would be beneficial," jeonghan said crouching down so his eyes were at seungcheol's.
the boy put his head down, grabbing onto jeonghan's middle finger as he walked behind the other.
when he entered the dining room only a few members were there. jihoon, who was just coming out of the studio, the first time in ages. he exchanged a worried glance before going back to his own businesses. he assumed seungcheol was in his head space and didn't want to make the current little upset. minghao was also there mouthing to jeonghan but seungcheol didn't see as he still had his head bowed low. the last member was joshua.
usually joshua or jeonghan were seungcheol's caregivers so immediately joshua rushed over to the boy, knowing he was in headspace.
joshua picked the boy up, spinning him in circles while jeonghan started making food. seungcheol giggled, no longer feeling insecure about his head space.
-
it was now hours later and jeonghane and joshua exchanged a worried glance. the boy was now sleeping peacefully. the rest of the members were mainly out of the dorms due to solo schedule or hanging out with friends so nobody paid much attention to seungcheol being in his young head space.
"he usually isn't in headspace for that long," jeonghan said.
joshua agreed, "let's talk to him once he wakes up."
and just at that moment, seungcheol let out a yawn. he got up in a fast motion, hand to his head. he felt comforted and less anxious. he felt euphoric, a feeling he hasn't felt in at least a month that seemed to drag on forever.
moments from just earlier started to reply in seungcheol's head. jeonghan and joshua could see the distress in the boy's eyes.
"it's alright. we all need to fall into head space and release stress. there's no need to be embarassed."
"thank you," the oldest simply said as he brought his same aged friends into a hug.
after the heart-warming moment, jeonghan finally spoke up, "we do need to speak to you though."
"has everything been okay recently? I noticed the way you've been a bit... different," joshua tried to explain.
"I don't know. some days are really good some days are really bad and I guess I've just been having quite a few bad days recently."
"it's okay to have bad days cheollie. it's also okay to slip into little space. remember we're always here. if you ever need help call out to us because we never want to see you holding in your struggles and pain again," joshua spoke, looking the leader in the eyes.
"yes, okay okay."
the three males hugged again and for once during these past few months, seungcheol felt comforted and warm all over.