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The trial of Trent Ikithon is emotionally draining, more than Caleb would ever have thought. He leans on Beau’s furious determination, Jester’s daily sendings, and Caduceus’s calming tea and sage advice. Sharing what had happened to him in front of those highest ranked in the Empire, under the piercing gaze of the Cobalt Soul expositors, is the hardest thing he’s ever done… until he listens to Astrid’s testimony. Although her words are precisely measured with a sharp edge of anger, the suffering she describes tears through his heart. He’s barely seen her outside the courtroom, barely spoken with her since those couple weeks of rest in the Blooming Grove. She must be incredibly busy dealing with the vacuum their former master had left behind.
But now, as he turns the corner, Caleb nearly bumps into an Astrid who is standing, arms crossed and still as a statue, staring out the tall glass windows like she’s seeing into a distant plane. Something about her normally confident poise is off.
“Astrid…”
She startles. “Bren.” Her voice is lined with spiderweb cracks, a hair’s breadth from breaking.
“I… ehm…” There is no way to put into words how much he cares and is worried for her in this moment. Instead, he steps forward and wraps his arms around her. After a moment’s stiffness, she breaks inward and buries her face in the crook of his neck. Wetness touches his skin.
Caleb’s heart squeezes so tight, it’s hard to get words out. “Let’s go somewhere we can talk,” he whispers in Zemnian.
Astrid nods into his shoulder, and he draws a few quick sigils in the air. A moment of darkness engulfs the pair, and they find their feet in the quarters granted to him and Beauregard at the Cobalt Soul. Caleb has been seeking refuge in his tower these days, and he is grateful that the magical doorway still stands from his casting at lunch.
He hears the silver wire ping in his head as Astrid crosses the threshold behind him. She scans the room quickly, noting the messy piles of notes on his desk and the simple bed, covers untouched. There is an uneasy tension in her posture.
“The Cobalt Soul is unlikely to have any visitors from the Assembly, but the tower is a pocket dimension. No one will scry on you here. We can have some privacy. To talk.” Caleb explains.
Astrid nods, lips tight and eyes still glistening.
His fingers weave the shape of a sending spell. “Beau, I have a visitor. Please make sure the tower is undisturbed tonight.”
He pauses to hear her assent, then opens the door. Astrid follows him inside, keen eyes taking in the stained glass murals of the schools of magic. Caleb offers his arm, and they float upwards. The guest room is ready with a couch and a cozy fire, and he instructs the cats to bring them some of Caduceus’ special tea.
Astrid sits, hands folded on crossed knees. Her back is straight, but her breathing trembles. Her control is eggshell thin, but even now she seems to be fighting to hold everything inside.
Caleb sits beside her, uncertain what to do. “I’m sorry,” he whispers.
“For what?” she replies, quietly, not looking at him.
“Everything you had to go through. Everything I wasn’t there for you for. I had no idea. I… wish I could take it all away.”
“I wish that too,” her voice is barely audible.
Caleb swallows, his throat thick and chest tight. His eyes are starting to sting with tears. “I’m sorry I didn’t let you kill him.”
She had been pissed, and only begrudgingly agreed to it. Their time together in the Blooming Grove had been underlain with a silent tension, and he had seen her taking out her fury in the garden with a trowel. He had been adamant, then, that he was right, but now… he wishes he had let her have that vengeance, even if it was the wrong choice. She deserved it.
Astrid is silent for a long moment, then sighs. “No, you were right. This trial… it will do the most good. It is best for the Empire.”
“What about what’s best for you?”
A sea of emotion rages against the dikes holding it back. She draws a shaky breath. “What I need must give way for what our people need.”
Caleb doesn’t need Caduceus’ insight to know she is not okay. Sometimes you just need to let it out.
“Astrid… what do you need?” he insists, a little firmer.
She stares at him like he just spoke in Celestial, like she’s never heard the words before. Suddenly the dam cracks and the flood is leaking from her eyes. Gingerly, Caleb puts an arm around her shoulder, his own cheeks becoming wet. She collapses, burying her face in his shoulder again.
Caleb holds Astrid on the couch until they both run out of tears and their laps are full of purring cats. Then she settles back and picks up a cup of tea. She seems lost in thought.
“What are you thinking?” Caleb asks, softly.
“I wonder, Bren, who I would be if I had not had to do the things I’ve done. I have avoided thinking about it, because it is painful. If I’d had a choice, if I’d been able to leave… maybe I would not be so hard and untrusting. Maybe I would be able to lean on others, as you do. But instead, I must be the foundation that supports the Empire.
“You’ve said I was blinded by Trent, but I choose to continue this path, even after he is gone. I could not live with myself if the pain I’ve caused, the evils I’ve committed did not have a purpose. They have to be worth it. I have to make them worth it.” Her voice is sharp and bitter.
Nothing could be worth it, for me. Caleb feels this truth in his heart, but he holds his tongue. Caduceus’ voice echoes in his mind. People react to trauma in a lot of different ways. Two people can go through the exact same event, and come out changed in completely different ways. Her story is just as real as yours, and she has not had the opportunities for friendship you have. He’d been too wrapped up in his own trauma to listen to her in the Grove, too addicted to his own pain to hear hers. This is her truth, and it is just as valid as his own. He nods, holding her eyes. “I understand.”
“You spoke of feeling a need to atone for your crimes.” Astrid continues. “I think it is too late for my sins to be forgiven, but at least my sacrifice means that others will not have to become like me. This is my way of atonement, to do the things that others cannot, to change the Assembly and protect our people.”
“We have chosen different paths, but we seek the same goal.” He nods. They both have the good of their country at heart, even if they prefer different methods. He’s learned a lot from the Nein about how different people go about getting the same things. It’s important to let each person find their own way.
“I envy your path, Bren.” Astrid sighs. “You are lucky to have escaped and found such good friends. I am glad at least one of us was able to keep their heart.”
Caleb’s throat wells up again. He takes both her hands and looks deep into her eyes. “I do not think you have lost your heart, Astrid.”
“I…” her voice is hoarse, and she looks off to the side. “I have had to forge my heart in iron to protect myself. I am the knife of the Empire. In my position, I cannot afford to trust anyone completely.”
An image of Essek floats before his eyes momentarily, expressing nearly the same sentiment. Caleb knows the fear of trust all too well, the fear that those you rely on will fail you or leave you. He also knows that friendship is the only thing that saved his soul, and, it would seem, Essek’s as well. Maybe Astrid could be brought into the fold as well. If he can convince her…
“I hope you can trust me… at least a little.”
“Oh, Bren…” she smiles thinly, and reaches to squeeze his hand. After a long look in his eyes, she glances down at the cats and laughs. “I really should be getting back to my duties, but… it appears I am trapped.” A small soot black cat with a white streak over one eye puts its paws on her shoulder and licks her face. She scratches it gently behind one ear.
“Stay, Astrid. Please. You deserve… at least one night not having to watch your back. If I’ve learned anything from Caduceus, it’s that after something big like this happens, it’s important to rest. I’m sure your duties can wait until morning. The Empire won’t fall apart in one night without you.”
“This tower will be here overnight?”
“Yes, and I will know if anyone enters the room. No one has the keys except Beauregard, and she knows not to disturb us.”
Astrid hesitates a moment, then a small smile quirks her lips. “Well, then. I suppose I could stay one night.”
They have dinner served by cats, then Astrid asks for a tour. Caleb shows her the library, the sitting rooms decorated for each of his friends, and finally the memory doors. Her eyes mist over when they enter their old dorm room, but this time there is a gentle smile on her face. She grabs his hand. “Remember that time when we pranked the transmutation professor?” she begins, and they laugh together about the shenanigans of their school days.
“There were some good times, even amongst the bad.” Caleb says.
“Yes, there were.” Astrid’s eyes are wistful, and she seems about to say something more, but changes her mind. “I think I’d like a bath. May I use the hot tub?”
“Of course.” He waves a hand and two cats trot up with a towel and a robe. She makes no invitation for him to join, so he nods. “I’ll leave you to it.”
Caleb reads a book in the library while Astrid takes a long soak. He’s not really seeing the words, instead replaying the memories they had shared long ago. All those years of separation, of missing her, missing both of them, that he thought he’d shoved down and forgotten about, incarnate themselves as an ache deep in his bones. He traces a finger over the scars on his arms. Some wounds never heal.
“Ah, this is wonderful.” Astrid says as he shows her the guest bedroom, decorated in a classic Rexxentrum style with dark walnut furniture, rich gold bed hangings, and a plush wine-red carpet. Paintings of the three young students in some of their happiest moments accent the walls, and the stained glass depicts a strong and regal Astrid, with himself and Eadwulf guarding her back and Trent chained and prone at her feet. He’d created the room earlier in the day, “for practice,” he’d told himself, barely masking a not-so-subconscious wish to have her visit, but he hadn’t imagined it would happen any time soon. Or at all. He hopes it strikes the right chord.
She walks a slow circle around the room, admiring the details. He lights the bedside lamps with a flick of his fingers.
“You have really become quite the accomplished wizard.”
“Danke schön.”
“I’m proud of you… Caleb.”
He stares at her, stunned. Not Bren?
Astrid turns to face him. “You have made yourself into someone impressive, far more than the boy I once knew. It deserves to be acknowledged.”
He smiles, unsure how to take it, but the genuine pride in her eyes settles warm and catlike in his belly.
“Well, the room is all yours. Rest well.” Caleb turns to go, but Astrid catches him by the wrist.
“Stay. Please. I miss you.”
“I… I miss you too.”
She leans in and kisses him.
Caleb’s heart stammers into his throat. “W-what are you doing?”
“You said for just this once I should allow myself to trust someone. I am trusting you.” Astrid’s eyes are like deep pools and he is mired in them.
“But-“ he can’t think of what to say in protest. He knows this shouldn’t happen, but it’s hard to argue with the tingles her intense gaze is sending through his body.
Astrid continues, eyes burning into him. “When we lost you, I never had the chance to say goodbye. It’s like a wound that never fully healed.” She sighs and nudges closer to him, laying a hand on his chest. “The only scar I regret is the one you left on my heart.”
“Astrid… I love you. I always have, and part of me always will.” The words fall out of him, like they’ve always been there, just waiting for the right moment to be said. Caleb pauses, savoring this truth on his tongue, sweet and rich like molasses. A deeper truth than either of their world views. She, his first love, would always be a part of his heart, no matter what happens.
But things are more complicated than when they were young; they’d been forced to depend on each other in a less than healthy way… and they’d both changed since then, and he isn’t sure if they would be right for each other now… and he is going to meet up with Essek in Aeor in a couple months for research, and… Caleb searches for words to explain why he’s hesitant. “I, ah… hm…. I do not think, with the way things are, that we could be partners…”
A short laugh. “I know. All I’m asking for is one night where I can let myself… be…” she exhales, “vulnerable. Let my heart be soft. Like you.” The eggshell is shattered. Her eyes are pleading with him, to be worthy of her trust. How could he say no, even if he wanted to?
Caleb brushes the hair from her eyes and cups her chin, pain and wonder filling his heart. Their kiss is soft and warm and sweet… then salty as their tears mingle on their faces.
His lips leave hers and brush across her forehead, down the scar that crosses her eye, to press kisses on the burn marks he left on her neck when she fought to save him from his flame out. She lets the front of her robe fall open and he kisses every scar on her chest, her torso, her back. Then Astrid slides his shirt off and does the same, lingering over every knife and arrow and claw wound of his adventures. He tells her stories of how he got them, and she tells him of hers, leaving out the damning details, just remembering the faces and the feelings. Gentle caresses dissolve layers of loneliness, while love and comfort are pressed into the skin with every kiss. Her touch is softer than fine velvet, and he can’t tell if it’s her heartbeat or his own he feels thrumming in his chest.
Amazing, how the body remembers its lover, even after all these years. Amazing, how even as much older and more hardened they’ve become, the same tenderness comes back like it was yesterday. As their bodies entwine and become reacquainted, something missing in his heart slides into place. Whole. As he caresses Astrid’s cheek, he can see the same contented fullness in her eyes.
They lie together, skin on skin, heart pressed to heart, feeling the rise and fall of each other’s breath.
Safe.
Trusting.
Before either of them realizes, they’ve fallen asleep.
Caleb wakes with the bed empty, weight beside him gone. The sheets are still warm. He opens bleary eyes to see Astrid pulling on her boots, hair already smoothed perfectly back into shape. “Guten Morgen, meine Freundin.”
“Ah, you’re awake.”
“You weren’t leaving without saying goodbye?”
A short, amused huff is Astrid’s reply. “After this many years? It would be more than you deserve.”
Caleb isn’t sure what to make of that, but he likes the light dancing in her eye and the small quirk of her mouth as she regards him, still shirtless and bed-headed. He traces the curve of her cheek with his eyes, memorizing her like this, softer and more relaxed than he’s ever seen.
“Alright, quit staring,” she growls playfully.
“How can I? You are always so beautiful, Astrid.”
She pounces on him, pinning him to the bed, but he flips the blankets over her and tangles her in them. They wrestle for a few moments before she has him hopelessly trapped in a headlock. Did Wulf teach her that? She’s surprisingly strong for a wizard, but he knows why.
“I yield!” Caleb yelps in mock terror, and she holds on a heart-stopping moment longer before letting him fall back on the pillows. He reaches up to muss her hair again and she slaps his arm away, before flopping down next to him.
“Bren…” she takes his hand.
I wish it could always be like this. Like we’d never lost each other.
As if hearing his thoughts, she squeezes his hand. Caleb peeks through his lashes. She has her eyes closed, face open like she’s soaking in every last drop of late-autumn sunlight before winter storm clouds close in the sky. He breathes in the scent of her, the pattern of her scars pressing against their twins on his forearm. For once, his acute sense of time fades blissfully into the rhythm of warm inhales and exhales.
At last, she releases a long sigh, sitting up and swinging her legs down to the floor. Caleb sits up beside her. Her brow is furrowed, as she rebuilds the walls and shields that have kept her alive and safe in the cutthroat political and magical intrigue she swims in every day. He puts an arm around her and gives her shoulders a little squeeze. “I’m here for you. If you need to unwind, or just someone to talk to…”
“Be careful, Bren. I don’t want you to become a liability.” The hard edge is back in her voice, warning him to keep away.
Caleb remembers the time when he thought being close to people would only put them in danger. Now he knows that friends are for facing danger together. He won’t let her retreat behind those walls alone.
“Do not worry about me. I can handle myself, and I have friends who have my back.” He kneels in front of her, holding her hands in his. “Being alone is the real liability, Astrid. What will you do when you aren’t strong enough to carry it all? Who will catch you? Let me be your friend, at least, if nothing more.”
She regards him seriously for a moment, searching his face, then a small smile softens her frown. “You are incorrigible…Caleb Widogast.” She gives him a quick peck on the cheek. “Very well. We can be friends.”
After that, her walls hide a secret door. As hard as Astrid needs to be in her day-to-day, there is a softness in her eye when she looks at him, and Caleb thinks he catches a hint of a smile as she passes him on her business. When things get overwhelming, she stops by his office for some of Caduceus’ tea, and he knows she trusts him, maybe not completely, but at least enough for advice and a listening ear. Enough to be friends. And after everything his friends have done for him, Caleb is determined she will never feel alone again.