Chapter Text
It's funny how much a person can forgive when they want everything to go back to normal. It's funny how after a while, choosing to ignore something becomes more instinct than decision. The fluffy clouds outside the window take on a golden outline as the sun begins to set.
"I guess I should get going as well," I say, making myself smile.
Hermes stares at me, leaning forward. His eyes have changed. They changed a few weeks ago, but I swear they're different today than they were the last time I saw him. His brow is slightly furrowed. He doesn't blink. "You're leaving too?" he asks.
Yes, that is what I just said. "Yep." My eyes dart away, but I force them back to his face. I get the feeling that he's not done talking to me.
His shoulders slump. He responds a beat too late. "Oh. I was hoping you'd stay a bit longer." He speaks in a soft, almost monotone voice. I was actually planning on leaving right after Apollo left. Hermes has been acting weird lately, and as much as I wish I could help him, I don't think I can. I've been trying to act like everything's normal. I think that's the best thing I can do until he recovers. I think it will hurt him the least. Plus, my plate's been full enough with everything my husband's been putting me through.
I shrug, casually, but hopefully not too casually. "Yeah, but you know I can't afford to be in even a little bit of trouble right now. He'll use any excuse to find something else to punish me for."
Hermes' expression changes to something that's supposed to resemble sympathy. His eyes stay the same. The golden light shining across his face contrasts with his teal irises in a way that makes them appear to glow. The shadows accentuate every feature on his face. For someone who's always in motion, his stillness is uncanny.
"I'm so sorry about everything that's happened to you lately, Dite," he says. "You really don't deserve it. I wish that there was some way I could make it all better." I have an idea. Maybe, when I was trapped in a net, terrified and helpless, you could have done, I don't know, fucking anything instead of cracking jokes and having a jolly good time. No, don't think about that. I have to stay calm. My heart is racing, but I do my best to ignore it. I am calm.
"Yeah, thanks," I reply.
He looks down. His expression breaks. His eyes change again, and they hide nothing. They plead with me when he raises his head. His voice comes out raw.
"Aphrodite, I care about you, a lot."
I don't know what to do. This isn't something I'm emotionally prepared to deal with right now. My life's been turned upside-down, and I was hoping that maybe Hermes could be the one person who wouldn't act differently towards me after everything that's happened. I thought that the god of liars would be able to lie a little better. The only reason I'm even talking to him after what he said about me when I was trapped is because with all of the stress, and all of the emotions that won't stop battering me like I'm stuck in a hailstorm, I can't afford the pain of losing my closest friend.
I put on a wide smile, the kind of smile that forms on one's face when they're having a fun, silly natter with a good friend, and put my hand on his shoulder, cutting him off before he can speak further. "Hey, thanks, dude. I think you're pretty great too."
His facial expression seems to flinch at the words. His lips part slightly, as he tries to figure out whether or not I understand what he's trying to say. Take the hint. Please, take the fucking hint. You say 'Haha, well, that's all I wanted to say to ya,' and I'll fist-tap your shoulder and say 'Alright, then. See you some other time, you big softie,' and I'll go home, and then we'll avoid each other for a while until you feel better again, and everything will be okay. That's all you need to do.
Hermes takes a deep breath. He takes my hand off his shoulder and holds it between his. Shit. "That means a lot to me, but that's... not what I meant. I'm in love with you, Aphrodite, and I have been for a long time." The weight of his words hit me like an anvil being dropped on my head. My heart aches. I don't believe that Hermes is in love with me, but I believe he thinks he is. It's probably just infatuation. It probable would've just gone away if he didn't talk about it. I can feel his pain inside my body, as if I've taken an axe to the chest.
"Why are you doing this?" I don't know where the words came from. I didn't intend to say them. They spilled out of me before I knew what was happening, and they're so much harsher than anything I would have said.
He drops my hand, and we stare at each other, wide-eyed. "Why am I... what?" He blinks rapidly. "I'm- I'm not... what?"
I rub my eyes and look down. The pain in my chest throbs. "I'm sorry, Hermes, I didn't mean it like that. I don't know why those words came out of my mouth. I don't- I don't know what I was trying to say." I can't look at him. I shield my face with my hands. "Hermes, I'm really not in a good place right now. I can't deal with this, Hermes, I can't. My husband's still hiding my baby from me, and I've been trying to behave the way he wants, so he'll bring him home, but he just won't do it. He keeps saying it will happen tomorrow or the next day, and it just never does! He just wants to see me suffer, and suffer, and I haven't- I haven't seen Ares since we got trapped, and I don't know if he's okay. I don't even know if he got home safe, or if he still wants to be with me, or anything! I don't know anything! And I can't even go for a fucking walk without everyone staring at me! I can't, Hermes. And I hate being at 'my' house. I fucking hate it when my husband's there, and you- you don't even know the half of it. You don't even know a tiny little fraction of it, Hermes. I feel like I just should have fucking died, Hermes. I feel like I'm trapped in a nightmare and it just keeps getting worse, and worse, and worse. And I can't even hug my baby. I don't know why I gained a body, but it must have been some sort of mistake." My chest heaves as I breath in rapid, stuttering breaths.
There's a pause. A hand touches my back. "I can find a way to convince Hephaestus to bring Eros back, and I could find a house for you two somewhere far, far away, and we could live there together and I'd make sure you'd never have to worry about anything back here. We could—"
This is way worse than I thought it would be. Despite all the different parts of me screaming over each other, I put on my best calm, understanding face and sit back up. I swallow my surprise at finding that he's moved so he's right beside me. "Hermes, I appreciate that you want to help me, but you need to understand that when I run away from here, it's not going to be with you."
Hermes looks at me with the expression of someone trying to hold back a sob. His eyes are narrowed. I want to hug him, but I don't know if that's the right thing to do.
"Do you know how I could get Eros back?" I ask, my voice coming out quiet. I feel guilty for asking at a time like this, but I need to have my baby back home again. That's the most important thing.
He shakes his head, and mumbles "Not right now, but I'm sure I could figure something out."
I look at the ground. "Thank you. I'll wait just a few more days and see if my husband brings him back by then." If Hephaestus doesn't bring Eros back within the next few days, I swear I'll slice my damn husband open, throat to bellybutton, and destroy every place he loves until I find him. He can't keep holding this over my head forever.
I take Hermes' hands in mine, and look into his eyes. "Hermes, I care about you very deeply, but only as a friend. I understand that with how you're feeling, you might find it difficult to be my friend right now, and that's okay. I can wait for however long you need, until you find that you're ready for us to be friends again. Now that that's been said, if I leave now, are you going to be okay?"
Hermes leans forward, close enough that I can feel his breath on my face. The red light of the setting sun sets his tawny hair ablaze. "Why Ares? What do you see in him that you don't see in me?" he asks, his voice stained with hurt.
I take a breath in as I try to figure out the best way to word my response. I need to be firm, but gentle. I need to set clear boundaries. "Hermes, the relationship that you and I have is a different kind of relationship to the one Ares and I have. They can't be compared like that, because they're not in the same category. I'm also not going to talk to you about my relationship with Ares, because it's very personal, and frankly, not any of your business."
His eyes fill with tears. "Why... why don't you like me?"
Fates, I feel like this conversation is getting me nowhere. The aching of my heart is almost unbearable, and I don't know how much is from him and how much is from me. "Hermes!" I put extra strength in my words, but also more feeling, so he doesn't feel like he's being scolded. "We both know that I like you very much. I just don't feel for you the way you want me to feel. And that's not your fault, but you need to remember that it's not my fault, either. This is the way it is, and that's something we're both going to have to accept." Saying his name so often feels unnatural, but I need to make sure he's listening to what I say, and not drowning it out because it's not what he wants to hear.
His chest shakes as he starts to cry. Oh gods, what have I done? Am I making things worse? I pull him into a hug, and rub his back the way he rubbed mine earlier. I know Hermes likes my hugs. He'd agree with Apollo when he used to say that I gave the best hugs. I'm pretty sure Apollo only said it because it was a way for him to joke in front of my face to Hermes about how they can feel my breasts against them when we hug, unfortunately. Though, to my surprise, I've had great success in getting Apollo to stop saying that. I like to think it's because I stopped hugging him. Fucking asshole.
Hermes wraps his arms around me and rests his head on my shoulder. His body is incredibly warm. It's like being hugged by a bear. I continue to rub his back, swirling the fabric of his clothes under my hands. "Shhhhh. It's okay. It's okay."
"I love you," he whimpers.
"And that's okay," I tell him. "You're allowed to feel that way."
"Please don't hate me." How does a god go from being a silver-tongued smooth-talker to this? Seeing him like this makes me feel like a dagger is slowly making its way through my heart. I wish I could make this better.
"You haven't done anything to make me hate you," I reassure him, even though, after the net incident, I should have hated him. "So as long as in the future you don't decide to do something stupid out of hurt feelings or the like, we'll be just fine." I feel like it's important that I don't say I could never hate him, because even though he seems completely safe now, there's a chance that tomorrow morning he might wake up angry and decide to further fuck up my already incredibly fucked up life, and I need to lessen that damage as much as I can. It's hard for me to imagine him wanting to hurt me in any way, but previously it would have been hard to imagine him laughing at my suffering, so it's best to stay on my toes.
"I'm sorry," he murmurs.
"You're fine, buddy. You're fine."
We stay in this position until well after the sun has set, and a little while after he stops crying. I don't know if Helios happened to notice any of that, but honestly, fuck it. I didn't do anything remotely "inappropriate," and Helios can go lick the spines off a cactus. Slowly, I stand up and peel myself away from Hermes. I go and get him a glass of water from another room, and put it on the coffee table near him. I gently ruffle his hair.
"Alright, I'm going to leave now. You drink this glass, and then put yourself to bed, have sweet dreams, and feel better in the morning, okay?"
He takes his time meeting my eyes. "Can I kiss you?"
I step away from him, but make sure to keep smiling. "Absolutely not, buddy. But maybe, uh, write how you're feeling down in a journal or something. Get it out of you and onto paper. Keep being you, because you rock. See ya!"
Once I'm outside and the door's closed behind me I feel a weight lift off my shoulders. That definitely could have gone worse. It also could have gone better. I'm the love goddess; I should be better prepared when these things happen. Oh well, you live and you learn. I hope this doesn't blow up on me later.
I also really hope my husband doesn't get angry at me for coming back to the prison so late.