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Taehyun thinks of the day Beomgyu nearly started a forest fire.
Burning past relics as a form of moving forward and healing wasn’t Taehyun’s idea. It was from a white woman on YouTube who had a mandala blanket on her wall, which in hindsight should have been the first red flag. Still, it sounded appealing at the time, when Taehyun’s skin was rubbed raw from the cold and recent hurt, and the idea of the warmth of a fire and starting anew was appealing enough for him to collect a handful of stuff from his and Kai’s house and get in Yeonjun’s rickety car.
Nothing about the incident was funny, objectively, but the five of them had laughed until their laughter tangled in the air with smoke and turned into coughs. It was so Beomgyu, really, to start a fire and then glance sheepishly at Yeonjun, who’d laughed so uproariously that Taehyun truly felt everything would always be okay, if it was them five. Taehyun’s first instinct had been to look at Kai, pink-faced and giggling, but then there was a brief second before they got too frantic to keep laughing, when Soobin had looked at him with a grin splitting his face, eye like crescent moons and dimples etched deep into his cheeks. The back of his neck felt scorching hot, and it had nothing to do with the ten-foot-tall flame threatening to explode the car.
Taehyun wonders sometimes if he’d always known about his feelings for Soobin, the way he has with Kai. Loving Kai is as natural as the tide to Taehyun. High, low. Push, pull. For as long as he can remember, Kai has been his twin flame. As kids, their friendship was an escape from their houses, their parents, their lives. School and Kai had kept Taehyun going. Having Kai to love had made him survive with a vengeance, made him pull himself out of bed in a home where no one cared if he woke up or not. It got him here, sharing a home with Kai. Sharing his heart. His feelings for Kai never caught him off guard. It was just as inevitable as the cycle of the seasons, and it was tied to his survival. He wakes up another morning; he loves Kai.
Soobin, though, is a different story. Soobin is new. His heart doesn’t beat for Soobin; it skips beats for him. Soobin is devastatingly kind, a character trait that wars fiercely for the spot of his chief one, just edging out over handsome. Soobin is the friendly guy in class, and then he’s Kai’s crush, and then he’s a friend—no, family—and now finally he’s Kai’s boyfriend.
(The order is a little messed up. Taehyun wonders if ‘boyfriend’ accurately summarises how Soobin went from being a part of their little friend group, introducing his friends Yeonjun and Beomgyu and clicking unhesitantly with them all, to becoming an irreplaceable figure in Taehyun’s life, not simply by virtue of their friendship, but because of how inseparably in love he is with Kai. He thinks this should normally come with a minimal amount of resentment, and maybe at one point it did, but really, who is Taehyun to begrudge Soobin of loving Kai? After all, it’s the biggest thing they have in common.)
At one point, he’d gone from caring too much about Kai’s happiness to be mad, to caring about Soobin too much as a friend to be mad. And now… now, Soobin’s shy smile lives imprinted in his brain next to Kai’s mischievous one. Now, he goes to bed and wakes up gasping, a wet spot on his sheets, with vivid images of Soobin’s bare legs and Kai’s smooth torso and hands and hands and hands.
It’s a problem.
The most frustrating thing about it is that the people he wants to talk to the most about this are the two people he can’t talk to. Kai with his fierce protectiveness over Taehyun, Soobin with his silent air of non-judgement. They would normally be the first people he’d share any secrets with. He loves Beomgyu and Yeonjun, he really does, but he recognises that they’re in a place in their lives where it’s necessary to focus on themselves and each other. They’d just moved in together, and having them down the road only strengthens the feeling of home and safety that Taehyun had to learn to feel in his little apartment he shares with Kai. They’re healing, all of them, but Yeonjun is both stronger and more vulnerable after making the decision to leave home. The last thing Taehyun wants to do is burden him with his silly feelings.
That's all they are, anyway. Silly.
///
A loud groan echoes off patchy green walls.
"University treating you well, then." Taehyun says, glancing up at Kai.
Kai lets out a loud breath, collapsing on the couch, tossing his backpack to the floor. He winces. It's dark pink and ripped in a few places, bleeding white polyester insides, but it serves them well. They call it Rosie out of affection. "I need my professor dead," he says vehemently, then immediately freezes up. "Wait– no. I didn't mean literally."
Taehyun bites back a smile. "I know," he reassures, and Kai grins. Piano notes tinkle in Taehyun’s mind. (Or maybe in the actual air around Kai, who knows?)
“You okay? Bad day?” Taehyun touches Kai’s shoulder instinctively, and Kai relaxes the tension in his muscles.
They’d long since learned to talk about their days with each other honestly. It’s hard to hide when you’re in a hole-in-the-wall apartment, one that only exists because they took a leap of faith in each other, because they trust each other the most with their raw selves. Taehyun used to hide his tears, but now Kai coaxes them out often enough that he’s unlearning the shame. Now, when either of them wakes up with shuddering breaths in the middle of the night, they hold each other and it feels sacred.
In the earlier days, Taehyun would think with quiet vindication that he gets this and Soobin doesn’t. Taehyun would sell his own bones for Kai to stop feeling sad for the rest of his life, but life doesn’t work that way, and as long as it doesn’t, Kai has him. He lives with him. He doesn’t get to kiss Kai, but he still gets to hold his heart sometimes. He’s past the jealousy now, and he’s given his own heart away in multiple pieces, not just to Kai but to Soobin, and to Beomgyu and to Yeonjun. But he and Kai are still this. He and Kai are still home. Still sacred.
(Boys can cry, Yeonjun had told them once, soft and steely, on a night when the three of them were alone. Kai’s chin had trembled when he repeated it to Taehyun again that night, until both of them did.)
Now, Kai shifts, making room for Taehyun on the sofa, clinging to his middle when he sits down. A bad day, then. He pushes down a twinge of worry. Kai would tell him if it was worse than ordinary-bad. University-bad is okay. It’s manageable. It’s not life-bad.
(He’d learned to categorise a while ago, a scale that emerged from vivid imagery of bruises on Kai’s cheek and cuts on his knuckles—red and purple layered over perfect, paper-smooth golden skin.)
Taehyun shuts his eyes, inhaling deeply. He smells secondhand smoke and Kai’s bleach-protectant floral shampoo and the strawberry candles he’d lit in the morning. Home. He feels emotions gently encase every atom in his body, making him aware of everything from the tips of his ears to the ends of his toes. Being around Kai is like being around the world’s most gentle supernova. He’s a dynamite, a boy with loud laughter and quick movements and large hugs. It’s not often that he lies still, and Taehyun takes the opportunity to drink in every bit of him that he can. His soft, even breaths. His feathered lashes and sloped nose. The strip of skin where his black t-shirt rides up. His long fingers that loosely rest on Taehyun’s hip. Taehyun isn’t sure if he’s asleep, but he leans down carefully, pressing his lips to the blonde hair at Kai’s temple.
A day at a time. Not a bad life anymore.
///
“Wow, it’s actually pretty,” Soobin says, blinking.
Beomgyu frowns. “Of course it is,” he says defensively. Kai giggles.
The it in question is Yeonjun and Beomgyu's new apartment, down the road from his and Taehyun's, tiny and shabby and despite it all, pretty.
Beomgyu had done the decorating with obvious care, putting up Yeonjun's drawings and photographs on the off-white walls, light blue curtains to cover up ageing wooden frames on the windows, small golden bulbs in IKEA lamps to replace the sterile white tube lights. There are still a couple of unopened cardboard boxes stacked next to a small pile of fabric.
"Found some cool stuff to practice my stitching," Yeonjun explains proudly. “The ajumma at the tailor shop let me have the scraps for free.”
Taehyun finds himself filling up with emotion looking at Yeonjun, standing up straighter than he usually does, his full height making him seem too large and at the same time perfectly sized for his new space.
"Are we painting the walls today?" Taehyun guesses, eyeing a can of paint in a corner.
"No," Beomgyu says vehemently, glaring at Soobin.
Soobin pulls a face, and Taehyun bites back a smile. So what if he hadn't done a brilliant job on the walls of Kai and Taehyun's apartment? Taehyun thinks it's kind of charming. (Kai thinks it's ugly, but he always kisses Soobin after he says it.)
"Yah, you long-haired little–"
Clearly sensing another infamous Soobin-and-Beomgyu bickering session, Kai cuts off his boyfriend with a loud, "Well, I for one love the place! It might even be better than ours huh, Tyunnie?"
He moves to Yeonjun, hugging him gently despite the enthusiasm in his voice.
Taehyun follows, squeezing Beomgyu's hand before going to hug Yeonjun too. "I'm so happy for you," he says. Yeonjun smiles at him, eyes brimming with affection.
Yeonjun's love is so intense, insistent and earnest but never pushy. He never forces, only gives. Taehyun forgets sometimes just how long now they've known each other.
"Yeonjun noona," Kai says affectionately, patting his belly.
"No one wants to give me attention," Beomgyu says, but his eyes are achingly soft when he looks at them gathered around Yeonjun.
"Idiot," Yeonjun mutters, leaning forward to press his lips against Beomgyu's dimple.
Taehyun glances away.
Yeonjun and Beomgyu aren't exactly shy with affection in front of the others, but it's the tiny moments like this that send strange pinpricks into Taehyun's chest.
He's known tenderness like no other with his friends, more love, more acceptance, more steadfast support than he'd ever thought he'd have or deserve. But there's something missing, something tiny but vast, something that should be nothing but is everything.
(Taehyun is selfish. He has so much, but he wants more. He looks at Soobin looking at Kai, and he wants.)
"So if not painting, what are we here for?" Soobin asks, breaking Taehyun out of his reverie.
"Why, I never." Beomgyu begins. "My own best friend, implying we can't invite you to our new home without an ulterior motive. That our deep and intense love for y–"
"We need some help unpacking," Yeonjun cuts him off, deadpan.
Soobin pretends to choke Beomgyu and Kai laughs, sudden and loud and bright. Beomgyu attempts a karate kick and Yeonjun smacks his forehead.
Taehyun smiles. The candles he'd brought are lit, and it smells like home.
(Perhaps to some, patchy green walls don't necessarily make a home, just like light blue curtains don't. But these people… these people make Taehyun believe that all the love in the whole entire world can be contained within two tiny apartments in a run-down neighbourhood in Seoul.)
They spend the rest of the evening pretending to unpack, but soon enough Kai starts a pillow fight and Taehyun joins in with glee. Beomgyu wails about his prized silk pillowcases for ten seconds before joining in. Yeonjun puts ramen on the stove and plays something nostalgic on his phone and, oh. Home.
When their bellies are full and half the remaining boxes are unpacked, clothes tucked away daintily into Yeonjun's side of the closet, Beomgyu's art books stacked on the small table till he can invest in a shelf, they collapse onto the couch, Yeonjun leaning into the window, white light painting his face, and Beomgyu dozing off almost immediately. They might make fun of him for being the first to fall asleep any other day, but not tonight. Tonight is for unwavering fondness. Taehyun looks at his candy-coloured friend, curled up in a hot pink t-shirt, and smiles. Beomgyu is so bright even in his sleep. Sunlight to Yeonjun's moon. He shakes off thoughts of almost losing him— it doesn’t matter. He’s here now. They all are.
“Come on, I’ll walk you guys home," Soobin says to Taehyun and Kai, eyeing Beomgyu's sleepy form with a soft smile. Yeonjun meets his eyes and nods, mouthing thank you. Kai kisses his forehead, and Taehyun whispers, "Goodnight, noona."
(In the dark of anxious nights, Taehyun sometimes wonders if the love they all have for each other will kill them. When morning comes, the reminder he presses into his own head, pushing down into a pillow and taking steady breaths, is that the truth is the opposite. They give each other life.)
When they stroll down the street, Kai takes Taehyun's hand instinctively. It's warm and heavy, grounding Taehyun as rushing thoughts attempt to break through the contented haze of the day. Taehyun clings to him gratefully. Kai is holding Soobin's on the other side, swinging playfully like they're children walking to school, and the three of them make the short walk in silence.
When they reach the door, Taehyun looks at Soobin. He wants him to stay.
It's Kai who voices it. "Hyung, come upstairs."
Soobin shakes his head. "Not tonight, I gotta get home or my dad is not gonna be happy. Saturday, okay?"
Kai nods easily, and Taehyun envies it. Just that specific feeling– that he can let Soobin go and have him come back each time.
When he kisses Kai goodnight, Taehyun should look away. He should look away, but it's practically a beacon begging for his attention, and there's only so much resilience he has. It makes him ache with so much more than jealousy, the way Soobin puts his long fingers gently in Kai's hair, the way Kai circles his arm confidently around Soobin's waist. It's not a very long kiss, but watching it makes Taehyun feel like a livewire, throwing sparks everywhere.
If either of them notice, they don't show it.
Soobin hugs Taehyun goodnight, warm and lingering. There’s something about the way Soobin envelops the people he hugs. It’s that he’s a giant, yes— taller than most people they know— but also it’s the warmth he puts into hugs, the sheer force of will he has to convey the emotions he has with physical touch. It’s another reason why Kai and him work so well. Taehyun has noticed them before, telling each other things through a brush of the knuckles or a pat on the belly or a tug on the waist. Taehyun is used to Kai being physical, and welcomes it because they’re best friends and they’re roommates and it’s okay. It’s always okay. With Soobin, he wonders if it’s dangerous to receive it this way.
(It’s ridiculous. Yeonjun has kissed Taehyun all over his face enough times that he’s lost count. Beomgyu has pounced on him and pressed him into his own couch with his entire body weight— small-framed or not, cuddles with Beomgyu are as aggressive as cuddles can possibly get. And yet… and yet it’s this, it’s a goodnight hug from Soobin that sends Taehyun careening off the edge. It’s like he’s emotionally spent from the day, red and stinging, and Soobin is threatening to make him bleed. It’s unbearable.)
Taehyun pulls away, face burning. "Night, hyung," he says, soft and breathless .
Soobin looks like he wants to say something, but he doesn’t, only pursing his lips and letting out a small huff of air before giving them both a quicksilver smile and slipping down the street.
Taehyun opens the door with fingers that tremble a little. Kai doesn't question him, for which he's grateful. They've long since learned to respect each other's spikes of anxiety, the crests and troughs of their moods. Triggers are random, and lows are brutal, but they always find each other through it. Living with Kai is a blessing Taehyun can't ever believe he deserves. He’s the balm, cool comfort spreading over Taehyun’s overheated skin.
When sleep is tantalisingly within arms reach but playful and elusive, a warm hand takes Taehyun's. He falls asleep with the weight of Kai against him, not daring to open his eyes and see if it's real or imagined.
///
The thing about Kai is, he's kind of an angel who's been dealt a shitty hand on Earth. Taehyun isn't above putting his best friend on a pedestal, because the kind of pain he's had to go through deserves to be made up for with love that is in no way moderate. Taehyun has seen him suffer human pain, has suffered it with him, and is now so deep-rooted in wanting to protect him from it that all he can do is love him with everything he has.
(Taehyun knows his own home life was similar, but that's just life for humans. He can deal.)
The thing about Soobin is…. is. It's…
He sits on their pink couch, pouting at the anime on his screen, and Taehyun loses his train of thought.
He tries again later that night, nestled between the two of them.
(They’d been doing more and more of that lately. It doesn’t have anything to do with him, Taehyun tells himself. It has to do with Soobin needing to escape from his parents’ house and Soobin and Kai being in love and Kai living in this apartment. Taehyun, however welcome, is not relevant to the equation.)
The thing about Soobin is that…
If in the metaphor, Kai is an angel who nobody created, celestial and immaculate, then Soobin is the very best humanity has to offer. God took their own sweet time crafting somebody with earnest, kind, bone-deep goodness, and put him in a body very similar to their angels, warm eyes and luscious mouth and endless, expansive legs. Soobin is clumsy and silly and embarrassing and human, and he's the best one Taehyun knows.
///
(The thing is, they flirt with Taehyun.
The thing is, it doesn’t matter that Taehyun notices. The things he knows and the things he’s willing to believe are two very different categories in his brain.
The thing is, hope is a fluttering bird and his ribs are the cage. Cracking it open is just too dangerous.)
///
In the end, it happens the way Taehyun deserves for his cowardice— an earth-shattering jumpscare.
He’s with Soobin at a place that’s more shack than bar. Kai’s home today, and classes had been frustrating. Art history, despite Taehyun’s consistent interest, is not easy. Usually, that’s fine—Taehyun likes a challenge, and he doesn’t think knowledge is worth working hard for. He loves it, despite the endless good-natured taunts about being a nerd. It’s just… he’s a nerd, but he’s also a college student, and there’s only so much thesis prep he can enjoy before entertaining thoughts of dropping out and finding a secluded hut in the woods. Put simply, Taehyun was grateful for Soobin’s request to pick him up and get a drink after he was done with university for the day.
It’s an ordinary afternoon, nothing about the mood to indicate the rainstorm heading his way. Spending time with Soobin like this is comfortable. Taehyun’s silence with his friends is comfortable, not oppressive.
Leave it up to Soobin to shatter the comfort with his wondrous bluntness, he supposes.
“Do you want to kiss me, Taehyun-ah?”
Taehyun chokes on his beer. Soobin shows no indication of being flustered other than the flush in his cheeks that’s more likely from the alcohol. He’s steadily looking at Taehyun, waiting like he expects a genuine answer to the question.
Taehyun isn’t usually in the habit of avoiding questions. He’s too smart to, always ready with something to say, with an unnecessary tangent that will have Beomgyu groaning and tossing a throw pillow at him.
But now… now, he’s stumped. Everything is still. Leaves stop fluttering, and clouds pause in the sky. Nature is holding its breath along with Taehyun.
Soobin knows, he knows. The tiny person living in Taehyun’s head, the one who narrates his thoughts, is running around ringing the alarm bells. The wires are short circuiting, and his eyes dart around wildly, like staring into the plant breaking through a crack in the concrete will provide him with logic in this situation.
“Too bold?” Soobin prompts, after a pause. “Sorry, I… I could never confront Hyuka like this, but something about you brings it out in me.”
“You don’t need to confront him because you guys always know what the other is thinking,” Taehyun says automatically, cringing at how obvious it is that he avoided the question. It’s true though, and it’s with a great deal of humility and emotional strength that he can admit to himself that he’s envious of it. He can’t count on all his fingers and toes the number of times he’d glanced at Kai, his best friend, and wondered what the hell was going on in his pretty head.
“That’s true,” Soobin says softly, fondly. “But I'd really like to be able to tell what's in your head, too."
Taehyun clears his throat. "Based on your question… I think you kind of can, hyung."
It's the most he dares to give.
Soobin doesn't take it. For all his earnestness, he can be so stubborn.
"I need you to say it," he says.
"Why?" Taehyun asks. He isn't sure if he's really annoyed or if he's only pretending to be, but his skin feels like it's being pricked with a hundred tiny needles, oversensitive but not painful.
"Because I know you think you can't say it to Kai. So maybe you can say it to me."
What does he want? How much does he know? How unsubtle has Taehyun been? Is this a punishment? Does he blame Taehyun for having the audacity to love his boyfriend, and then him too? Questions rush in with the wind and blow away just as fast. Soobin won’t be mad. Soobin is soft. Soobin is kind.
Taehyun shuts his eyes and counts the three.
He’s not built to answer this with a lie, so he doesn’t bother. With fear pressing its icy fingers around his throat, he says, "Yes. I want to kiss you. Both of you. Is that all?"
Soobin smiles. It’s like the minute a flint catches a spark. "No. That's not all. Act on it."
Taehyun swallows. His first instinct would be to think it's a cruel joke, if he didn't know Soobin doesn't have a single cruel bone in his body. His first instinct is to make sense of it, but there’s no such thing as sense anymore, at this moment. There may as well be giant fish flying in the sky like birds.
"I don't understand, hyung,” he says hoarsely. “Are you… are you giving me permission?"
"No," Soobin says immediately. "Taehyun-ah, I'm- I'm asking you."
Everything is warm. Everything is blue. Shadows painted in lilac dance on the buildings around them, but Taehyun can hardly see, can hardly breathe. There's no sound but the blood rushing to his ears.
"Why?" he manages.
"Because I like you." Soobin says, like it's that simple. "Because Kai and I flipped a coin and I won so I get to do it first."
There's so much to unpack there. You like me? Taehyun wants to scream. He sort of also wants to cry, but a smile is creeping over his face. Traitorous mouth. He wants to ask since when, how, why. He wants to dissect, to analyse, to study, to understand.
What comes out of his mouth instead is, "So why isn't he here?"
He supposes a part of him is always looking and longing for Kai. Even if Choi Soobin is sitting a foot away, asking to kiss him.
Soobin shrugs lightly. "You wouldn't get overwhelmed?"
He has a point there. He feels shaken, ribs cracked open and heart exposed, Soobin studying it from a minimal distance. He feels known. It’s utterly petrifying, and then Taehyun is nodding, and leaning in, and suddenly there's no distance between him and Soobin at all, and they're kissing, and fear is forgotten. The tent above the bar and the glasses of alcohol, the tiny plant in the concrete and the flying fish. Everything is forgotten but Soobin.
Soobin's mouth is warm, a little wet from being wrapped around the bottle of beer. He tastes bitter, but he smells like a mahogany scented candle from Taehyun's own collection. He kisses Taehyun without a trace of doubt, even though Taehyun feels his fingers tremble when they touch his cheek.
It's fairly chaste, the public setting not allowing for much lingering, but Taehyun brings his hand to his lips after they part, like his fingertips can feel the way electricity tingles on them. Soobin is looking at him like he's something wondrous. Taehyun is the resident friend with huge eyes, but Taehyun can see his face, the moon, and the whole world reflected in Soobin's warm brown ones.
"Taehyun-ah—" Soobin whispers.
"I love you," Taehyun says, because the most ridiculous thing in the world just happened, and he thinks he might actually get to kiss Kai too, soon, and there's no way his entire heart isn't laid bare in his face right now, so he may as well throw caution to the fucking wind.
Soobin smiles, a small but breathtaking thing.
Soobin smiles like everything causes him wonder. Slow, gentle, sheepish, careful, full of love. Early morning sun rays reflected in water. It's the smile of someone who has a bleeding heart but still knew what love was growing up. The smile of someone who would only dare think of violence if someone hurt his loved ones.
(It's so at odds with his best friend's– Beomgyu laughs raucously, like he doesn't care if the world burns him for it.)
"I can't say that yet," Soobin says, his soft smile still present.
"Oh," Taehyun flushes. Of course. He refuses to feel silly even as his face burns. These things take time. God knows it took him time. "I get it–"
"No," Soobin says quickly, understanding dawning on his face. "I just mean. Kai would kill me if I got the first kiss and the confession both. Can you take me home?"
Home, as in, his and Kai’s apartment.
Sometimes there are no words to describe a feeling, even for Taehyun. He can't begin to encompass it, so he nods, stands, tugs on Soobin's arm, and they walk down the streets of Seoul at sunset with the entire world held between their hands, jigsawed together.
(No, not the entire world. Kai Kamal Huening is the only piece left, and he's waiting a few heartbeats away.)
///
When Taehyun and Soobin walk in holding hands, his ears perk up like a golden retriever puppy’s.
“Taehyun-ah,” he breathes, his voice high and his grin dazzling.
Kai doesn’t smile like Soobin. Kai smiles like delight is an emotion he can't bear to ever let go of again. Dazzling, brilliant, intoxicating. Late afternoon sunlight that winks off concrete streets and parked cars. The smile of someone who's lost everything and gained some more, the smile of someone who's won happiness with a vengeance.
There’s a stone the size of Venus in Taehyun’s throat. His skin is on fire, like he really is standing on the hottest planet.
The planet of love.
“Taehyunnie has something to say,” Soobin says, infectious smile wide and gloating.
“You’re making him miserable,” Kai reprimands, but he’s laughing.
God, Taehyun loves his laugh. Taehyun loves him. They’re making fun of him, and he doesn’t even fucking care.
“Taehyun-ah,” Kai says again, stepping closer. Taehyun thinks his own name sounds like a musical note. He takes Taehyun’s hand. “Should I go first?”
“Yeah,” Taehyun whispers, throat dry.
Soobin is still smiling, but it’s softer, playfulness melting away. “Hey, should I—”
“Stay," Taehyun says immediately. He's desperate to remember this moment, to record every heartbeat and carve the notes into his bones. He doesn't know how to process it all yet, but he does know he wants Soobin here.
It's amazing that he once saw Soobin as a hindrance to a moment between him and Kai, and now he can't imagine this without him.
Kai echoes his stay with his eyes, his glance flitting to Soobin with long-practiced reassurance. Soobin relaxes, settling back into his skin as he looks at them both.
“Taehyunnie," Kai is saying. "I’ve lately been realising… or, maybe I always knew, I don’t know. I just didn’t see it until Soobin hyung pointed it out,”
“I still can’t believe that,” Soobin mutters, and Kai shoots him a glare. He’s too cute for it to be effective.
Taehyun finds himself rigid with nervous anticipation, the idea that this isn’t going where he wants despite all the evidence to the contrary. Reading his body like so many times before, Kai steps closer, his hands finding Taehyun’s waist, steadying.
“I had a speech, I wanted to do you justice,” he says. Taehyun waits.
“Fuck it,” Kai says. “I love you,”
Mary Oliver wrote that joy wasn’t made to be a crumb. If you suddenly and unexpectedly feel joy, don’t hesitate. Give in to it.
Taehyun gives in to it.
Taehyun is falling, hitting the water with a splash, and drowning in it. And then—then he’s swimming. Kai’s lips are bitten raw, but they’re soft, soft, soft. The first kiss feels like a baptism, like rebirth, like something religious people would envy. Kai laughs into his mouth, and the sound goes straight down Taehyun’s throat and into his belly.
Soobin moves and puts his arms around them both, and Taehyun is engulfed.
(Engulfed like in a flame, a forest fire his friend hadn’t meant to start. Engulfed, like in the laughter of five boys who don’t know if the future will get worse or be better— but at least there is one, and they have each other through it. Engulfed, like in the pink joy of one of his loves, the moonlight smile of the other.)
Taehyun still has questions. Taehyun is still silly. But he thinks the answers are waiting for him at home, lying in the palm of Kai’s broad hand and in the cut of Soobin’s dimple. He thinks he’s okay with that.