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It was just past noon when Johnny finally stumbled into his apartment. The last shift had been brutal, and that was before he ‘n Roy had gotten stuck in some stupid cliffside cave for a few hours until the tide had gone back down. They’d been fine, hadn’t even gotten more than slightly damp, but man, what a pain in the ass that had been.
At least he’d be free to sleep for the next day and a half now – all he had to do was put on something comfortable and grab some lunch, take a shower, and then he could just sink into blissful oblivion for a few hours, or a day or so.
His phone rang as soon as his head hit the pillow, and Johnny groaned.
At first, he was dreadfully tempted to just let the damned thing ring – after all, there was no constitutional right to getting your call answered, and boy, he was tired – but the ringing was persistent, and Johnny grew worried. What if something was wrong? What if something had happened to Roy on his way home? Heck, what if something had happened to his aunt?
He dragged himself out of bed again, muttering curses under his breath. Stumbled out into the living room and made a clumsy grab for the receiver.
“Gage,” he grumbled into the aging bakelite.
At first, the only reply was silence.
Johnny was just about to hang up again, assuming somebody’d gotten the wrong number, when the person on the other end finally spoke up.
“Johnny…”
He recognized Roy’s voice instantly, even though it sounded uncharacteristically stuffed up and shaky.
“Roy?”
“Yeah, I…” he paused. Sniffled.
“Johnny – Joanne ‘n the kids are gone.”
Johnny figured he must’ve misunderstood.
“What – what do you mean gone? How can they be gone?”
Another long, long pause.
Then: “Remember how I ended up at Rampart after that factory fire the shift before last? She, uh. She was kinda upset about that. The kids, too.”
There was something weird about Roy’s voice – more than just a stuffy nose, more… slurred?
“And I guess when I didn’t call until a few hours after I was supposed to be home today, they really – they really weren’t doing alright. When I got home, they were gone. Jus– just a note on the kitchen table. Says she took ‘em to disneyland for the weekend. Says they’ll be back ‘n then we’ll have to talk about how we’ll go on.”
Another long, heavy pause and Johnny almost figured he should say something when he heard Roy take a deep, shaky breath.
“Johnny, I – I think Joanne’s gonna leave me.”
He didn’t know what to say. He didn’t even know what to think.
He’d felt intensely drawn to Roy from the moment they’d met, and this attraction had developed into a full-blown crush much faster than he’d have liked to admit, before settling into a slow, simmering kind of love that he almost managed to ignore most days, but it was always there just below the surface.
Maybe he should’ve been happy, maybe he should’ve felt vindicated – but he didn’t.
He’d never begrudge Roy his happiness. Heck, he liked Joanne well enough, too.
It was just. Wrong. This whole situation was wrong.
Heartbreak was something that happened to him, not Roy, and that was fine, because he could bear it, could maybe bear it better than an actual relationship. But Roy… Roy needed his family. Johnny couldn’t even imagine what this was doing to him.
“Johnny?” So quiet it was barely there.
“Yeah?” he asked back, his voice breaking. He awkwardly cleared his throat.
“Can you… can you come over?” Roy sounded so goddamn miserable and resigned that it physically hurt. “I’m, uh– I’m really not okay and I just – you know what, forget I said anything.”
“No!” Johnny exclaimed, jumping at the opportunity to do something, help in any way he could. “No, I’m on my way, I’m gonna be right over, pally. Just give me a moment to, uh –” to put on some pants, he didn’t say. “Anyway, give me a moment. I’ll be there.”
-
It took considerably less time than usual until Johnny pulled up to Roy’s place, that idyllic little slice of suburbia that Johnny’d so often craved to be a part of. It’d lost a lot of its luster over the past hour, and the uniformly gray sky washing out what colors there were certainly didn’t help.
Johnny moved to get out of the car, walk over to the front door like he’d done a thousand times before, and found himself hesitating.
He didn’t want to do this.
He didn’t want to see Roy that miserable.
It would hurt, he knew. It would hurt a great deal worse than a lot of the things he had to deal with on the job.
It still wouldn’t be as bad as not being there for Roy at all.
Slowly, he opened the car door, hesitantly stepped out onto the street. Let the door fall shut and locked it.
He’d be okay, he told himself. They’d be okay.
He wasn’t sure he believed it.
-
The first thing he noticed when Roy answered the door was the smell of booze. He figured he shouldn’t have been surprised – if nothing else, it at least explained the slurring earlier – but Roy usually wasn’t the kind of person who’d drown his sorrows.
The second thing he noticed was that Roy looked like a mess. Puffy nose, reddened eyes; it’d been abundantly clear that he’d been crying, and he seemed vaguely surprised that Johnny had even shown up at all.
Like Johnny’d feared, it almost physically hurt to look at.
He wordlessly put an arm around Roy's shoulders and led him back inside with a gentle, quiet “c’mon, Roy, let’s get you settled”, carefully kicking the front door closed behind them. Normally he’d have enjoyed the contact, being that close to his partner, but this time he was almost queasy, like Roy’s pain was coming off him in waves, crashing right into Johnny, knocking him off-balance.
He carefully deposited Roy onto the living room couch and sat down next to him, close enough that they were right up against each other, his arm still around Roy’s back, carefully pulling him closer when Roy leaned into it.
“I dunno how she could do this to me,” Roy mumbled. “I mean, I know what she feels like, ‘s not like I haven’t felt the same damn thing whenever you…”
“Whenever I what?” Johnny asked quietly.
“Whenever you go back out there after almost getting yourself killed again.”
Oh.
Johnny hadn’t expected that; after all it was just part of the job. He shoved the new information into some dark corner of his mind, to be looked at later. Right now, he had other priorities.
“That’s different from what Joanne’s going through,” he said. “I mean, you’re important, you know? I’m not.”
Roy looked at him like he’d grown a second head, and Johnny stopped, backtracked, went over that sentence again.
“Uh– that came out wrong. What– I meant– that’s not what I meant. I know I’m… uh. See, when I go, it’s sad, but you don’t depend on me like Joanne does. There’s no kids. No house you’d have to figure out. You wouldn’t have to deal with most of your available cash just going down the drain. And I mean – I’m not saying that Joanne only likes you for the money, not at all, she wouldn’t have married you if she did – uh. No offense.” Johnny paused, cleared his throat. Took a deep breath to organize his swirling thoughts. “But if I died, your life wouldn’t crumble to nothing. You’d be sad, but you’d be fine.”
Silence. A long, stifling silence while Roy just kept looking at him until Johnny started to squirm.
“You think I’d be fine?” Roy said, his voice hollow, almost angry. “You really think I’d be fine?”
“Y– yeah? I mean, maybe not immediately, but even–”
Roy silenced him by doing the unthinkable. He reached out, gently put a hand against the side of Johnny’s face, just… held it there, warm and calloused and familiar and Johnny couldn’t help but melt into it just a little, couldn’t help savoring the gentle touch he’d craved for so long.
His body knew what Roy was going for before his mind had caught up, and he licked his lips in anticipation as Roy closed the distance between them and kissed him, right on the mouth, unmistakable in his intentions.
Johnny had daydreamed about this moment.
He’d daydreamed about it ever since the day he’d walked into that tiny room at Headquarters hoping to be talked into the most utterly batshit decision he’d ever made and somehow still getting so much more than he’d bargained for.
It’d been on his mind for over half a decade now.
It was glorious, in spite of the boozy stench, the vague aftertaste of mediocre gin.
And yet, all he could think about was that this wasn’t real. This was drunken despair, Roy throwing his life away, this had nothing to do with him, it couldn’t have anything to do with him, Roy was married to a woman. With kids.
It took him longer than he’d have liked to pull back, to put a hand over Roy’s and push it down until it rested on the side of his neck instead.
He couldn’t bring himself to break the contact entirely. Really, he should have put a good six feet between them and talked it out with Roy like a decent person, but he was only human.
Human and foolishly in love for just a little longer than he’d been a paramedic.
“You don’t know what you’re doing, Roy,” he choked out, his fingers tightening around Roy’s, begging him to disagree. “You’re drunk, you don’t know–”
“’m drunk,” Roy confirmed, “‘n I know exactly what I’m doing.”
He closed the gap once more, gave Johnny an almost chaste peck on the lips.
“I’m kissing someone I should’ve kissed a long, long time ago,” he mumbled against Johnny’s lips. Shifted a little and pressed a kiss against Johnny’s jawline, and it really wasn’t fair that Roy still managed to do that so smoothly despite how drunk he was.
“I love you, Johnny.” Mouthing down along the side of his neck now, his warm breath like silk against Johnny’s skin. “I’ve loved you from the first words you said to me, and I should’ve done this years ago.”
“No,” Johnny said.”You shouldn’t have. I’m not worth – you need your family, Roy. More than you need me.”
An indistinct hum fluttering against his neck while Roy undid another one of Johnny’s shirt buttons with clumsy fingers and nibbled at his collarbone, sucking at the skin, and Johnny knew it was gonna leave a mark and he coulda put a stop to it, but he wanted this. Needed it. Needed something real to take home with him even if none of this was real to begin with.
It was… it was lovely. Real lovely.
And he couldn't let this go on. Not like this.
It almost physically hurt to gently push Roy away, his face between Johnny’s hands, thumbs gently stroking along his cheeks. It’d felt so natural, kissing his partner, feeling his lips on his skin.
“We can’t do this,” Johnny finally said. “What about Joanne? Don’t you still love her?”
“‘course I do,” Roy replied. “Or we wouldn’t be here. But she’s gone and you’re here and I love you, too and I – I need this.”
He tried to move in again, but Johnny gently held him back.
“No,” he said, and it took all the restraint he had to not simply give in. “No, you don’t, you just think you do because you’re drunk.”
“What if – what if I don’t care?” Roy asked. Pleaded, almost.
“You’d regret it,” Johnny replied, his voice hoarse. “Joanne’s gonna be back and you’d regret it.”
Johnny’s shirt was still partially unbuttoned, and he could feel Roy’s look on him. He wished he could’ve enjoyed it without the overwhelming feeling of guilt.
“How long is she gonna be back for, though?” Roy asked. “Just long enough to leave me, and th– and then where would I be.”
“She won’t leave you,” Johnny said, his voice firmer again. THIS part was easy, because he got it. He got why she’d done it. “She’s just overwhelmed and so were the kids and she decided to put some distance between them and the thing that was tearin’ them up. ‘Sides, your kids are too old and too clever, if she’d try to leave you because she couldn’t stand the thought of losing you, they’d find out and I don’t think they’d approve. She loves you, you know. So much it hurts.”
He knew what that felt like. He’d never been one to run from his fears like that, no matter how much he wished he was, but he could understand the impulse.
“You really think so?” Roy asked.
“Sure I do,” Johnny replied, and even mustered a smile.
“But I want this,” Roy protested almost petulantly.
“You’re too drunk to decide that,” Johnny replied, “and you’d really regret it in the morning.”
“Maybe I won’t remember it in the morning,” Roy said as if that would improve his chances any.
“Then you’re definitely too drunk to do anything.”
Roy’s look of betrayal would have been funny if it hadn’t hurt so much – until he yawned, deeply and whole-heartedly, and Johnny couldn’t quite suppress a chuckle.
“Alright, Roy,” he said, a smile tugging at his lips, “I can’t give you what you want, I can’t let you do that to yourself, but…”
He put an arm around Roy’s shoulder, pulled his partner against him. Roy took the hint and melted into Johnny, head against his shoulder, clearly enjoying the contact.
“I am so tired,” he muttered after a while.
“I know,” Johnny replied softly. “I know. Just… rest.”
“Your shoulder is really bony.” Roy shifted against him, trying to find a more comfortable spot.
“You wanna lie down instead?”
“Nah. No way. This is… this is nice.”
If only he could’ve kept this moment forever. If only he could’ve taken it and put it in a jar and stashed it away in a corner of his apartment for a rainy day.
Roy nodded off moments later, still leaning against Johnny, and for a while they just stayed there, together, until Johnny’s arm started to get numb and he carefully peeled his partner off of him and put him into a hopefully comfortable sleeping position on the couch instead.
“Alright,” he said quietly and gently touched Roy’s shoulder, “I’ll go and get you a blanket, pally.”
Johnny looked around for a thin throw blanket and came up empty – in the end he decided to just grab Roy’s blanket off of his bed and use that, even if it did feel a little weird to just waltz into the DeSotos’ bedroom like that, given… well. Given their current situation. He figured Roy wouldn’t have minded too much, though.
After he could be perfectly sure that Roy was comfortable, he let himself fall into one of the armchairs. His eyes drifted shut almost immediately, and he fell into a fitful slumber.
-
When he opened his eyes again, it was dark out, the only light coming from a lamp in the corner that nobody’d thought to turn off, and it took him a moment to get his bearings. A quick glance at his watch told him that it was three in the morning, and everything was quiet. Peaceful. Could’ve been, anyway, if he hadn’t remembered why he was here, why Roy was gently shifting in his sleep on the couch next to him.
Johnny stretched, winced as his joints cracked in protest, and tried to figure out what to do now.
If he’d been a better person, he would have stayed.
He’d have stayed and talked all of this through with Roy and figured out how much of yesterday had been his honest feelings and how much of it had just been the alcohol talking.
But in the end, he was nothing but a coward. A lousy, good-for-nothing coward who’d turn tail and run because he couldn’t stand finding out the truth, couldn’t stand the inevitable rejection.
He should have stayed and been there for Roy, he knew that, and yet he just did the math, figured that Roy would’ve sobered up enough by now that he wouldn’t have to feel too guilty about leaving him alone, and put an aspirin and a glass of water on the couch table within arm’s reach. He figured Roy was gonna appreciate that in the morning.
And then he left, with a whispered apology to Roy, a gentle hand on his shoulder in a quiet goodbye.
The way home in the dark was almost surreal, waking up that early in Roy’s living room leaving him off-kilter, not to mention – well, not to mention anything else that had happened.
When he’d finally made it home, he just fell into bed, still fully dressed. He wasn’t even that tired anymore, he just needed to escape all of this for a little while.
After a few hours worth of fitful naps littered with surreal nightmares, he gave up, simply grabbed his stuff and drove out into the canyons instead. It wasn’t really a hike, more of an extended idle walk, but the coarse beauty of the scenery and the quiet and the exertion helped him clear his mind a little, or at least come to terms with what had happened.
Oh, who was he kidding.
Still, it was nice to go out and do something instead of brooding in his apartment on his day off.
At least he tried to call Roy in the evening, tried to make sure that he was going to be okay, got worried when nobody picked up the phone.
Worried enough to swing by Roy’s place in the end, his worry turning to relief when he found Joanne’s car in the driveway and Roy’s missing. He’d been right, Joanne was back, and they’d probably gone out to grab dinner together and celebrate their renewed appreciation for each other.
At least that’s what he hoped had happened. He figured he’d find out soon enough.
-
He got up early the next day, marveled at the still clearly visible hickey as he got ready for work, painfully obvious against the tender skin just below his collarbone. He’d have to try ‘n hide that one from the rest of the guys. From Roy especially, he figured. Wondered how he’d react if he saw.
Wondered what Roy was gonna be like in general, after everything that had happened.
He turned up at work a couple minutes early, which worked out alright because it meant he was already dressed by the time the rest of the guys came in, the hickey safely hidden under his collar.
Mike was the next to turn up, efficient as always as he changed and hurried out of the locker room making a beeline for the coffee before Johnny’d even finished hanging up his clothes.
And then–
Then, Roy showed up. Johnny froze, the anxiety that’d been gnawing at him spiking suddenly, guarding himself against Roy’s reaction. He was expecting this to be awkward at best, and… well, anyway, he wasn’t too optimistic. Not after how far they’d gone. There was no way Roy wasn’t upset about that, now that he was all sobered up.
A single moment suspended and stretched into eternity when Roy spotted him.
This was it. This would be the moment when everything went to shit, and there was nothing he could do about it.
The illusion shattered and took all its could-have-beens with it as Roy broke out into a grin and practically bounded over to Johnny.
“We’re alright,” he said. “Joanne’s back and she’s staying and we’re alright!”
“That’s… that’s great!” Johnny said. Forced a shaky, lopsided smile.
“Yeah! We went out for dinner yesterday ‘n talked it over, and we came up with some ways to make my job a bit less stressful for her and the kids, and she promised me that even if she’d grab the kids and leave for a few days again, she’d always be back.” Roy shrugged. “Guess it makes her feel less helpless about everything.”
It hurt.
It shouldn’t have.
It was exactly what Johnny’d expected from the start, he’d been perfectly honest when he’d told Roy that, and he was happy for them, he really was – it was just…
He wasn’t even sure himself.
Something about the way Roy didn’t even acknowledge everything that’d happened between them just stung, he figured.
They’d kissed, for crying out loud. Roy’d told him he loved him, and now he wasn’t saying a word about any of it, and if Johnny hadn’t had the hickey to prove it, he would’ve assumed he’d just dreamt the whole thing.
And yet, he shouldn’t have been surprised.
He wasn’t surprised.
He’d known that he was just a temporary replacement, a guiding light until Roy was back in safer waters.
He’d been telling himself that even when Roy’s lips had been on his, heady and intoxicating. Hadn’t let himself forget it ever since.
And yet.
Maybe ignoring everything that’d happened was the best option; it was most certainly the safest one.
If only he’d been even half as good at it as Roy.
–
Things took a turn for the strange after the first two runs.
They were back in the locker room, getting changed after a rescue involving somebody’s pool, and Johnny was so distracted by the way his completely soaked pants kept sticking to him, practically sloshing around his ankles, that he completely forgot about that hickey on his collarbone – and then, Roy noticed.
Looked over at him and his expression turned to concern as he stepped closer to get a better look.
“Hey Johnny,” he said, “did you get hurt?”
Shit.
“I, uh–” Johnny stammered and tossed a fresh undershirt over his shoulder to cover the hickey. “It’s, uh. Just a bruise. Walked into something.”
But Roy wasn’t that easily deterred.
“No, let me see,” he said, taking a step closer and reaching out to pull the fabric off of him. Didn’t take the hint when Johnny subtly turned away from him.
Johnny froze when Roy’s familiar fingers closed around the white cotton and tugged, but he didn’t resist.
A long, awkward pause.
“Walked into something,” Roy deadpanned.
“Yeah.”
“Mmh. ‘Something’ being whoever you suckered into going on a date with you yesterday, huh.”
Wait, what?
“Uh, Roy, I didn’t–”
“You know, I was wondering where you’d gone yesterday morning. Not like I had any right to expect you to stick around after making you deal with that mess, but I was pretty surprised anyway.”
Roy was right, normally Johnny would take any opportunity to be at Roy’s place for just that tiny little bit longer, but… he seemed so sincere about that dating assumption.
Like he genuinely thought Johnny’d gotten busy with a date and that was where he’d gotten that hickey.
Like he didn’t even remember–
oh.
Oh.
Johnny’s surprise and maybe a little bit of hurt must’ve shown up on his face, because Roy took a step back and gave him a tight-lipped smile that didn’t reach his eyes.
“Guess it’s none of my business,” he said. Slammed his locker door shut and left the room before he’d even tied his shoelaces, leaving Johnny alone and confused.
–
Johnny’s day became a lot more miserable from then on out.
Roy’s good mood seemed to have vanished into thin air, with nothing remaining but snide comments, like Joanne coming back meant nothing now, just because – because Johnny had a hickey. One that Roy’d given him, no less, even if he didn’t seem to remember a thing about it.
“So,” Roy finally asked a couple hours later, in the squad on their way home after a run. “Are you serious about her?”
“Her?” Johnny asked, confused.
“The girl who gave you that hickey,” he said tersely, worried, and suddenly Johnny understood.
Roy was jealous.
He almost laughed at the absurdity of it, before the weight of what that implied really hit him.
Maybe Roy’d really meant what he’d said that night. Maybe he’d really meant all of it after all.
It was hard to describe the feelings that went through him at that moment. A giddy kind of happiness. Crushing guilt, and the knowledge that it didn’t matter, because Roy was married with kids, and Johnny would’ve rather gnawed off his own foot than tear a happy family apart.
“Johnny?” Roy asked, and he realized he’d never answered his partner’s question.
“What if I was serious about her?” he asked.
“I guess it’s none of my business,” Roy replied. “But I still can’t believe you just bailed on me for a date when I needed your help. It’s not like you, Johnny.”
He sounded sullen, almost, and Johnny couldn’t help but revel in it. Roy needed him, he’d all but admitted it. He almost never did that. Maybe it wasn’t nice to enjoy this, to enjoy watching Roy grapple with his jealousy, and Johnny didn’t, not really, but… well, it sure did something to him.
“I’m just worried that she’ll be another Valerie,” Roy said.
“Another who?” Johnny asked, before remembering who Roy was talking about. “No, uh. This one’s different. Way different.”
“Yeah, you say that every time.”
Johnny sighed, not in the mood to argue – especially not to defend Roy from himself.
“Maybe you’re right.”
“I don’t want to hear any complaints when you get dumped this time,” Roy said, sounding so goddamn full of himself that Johnny would’ve almost questioned why he loved him at all – but there was still that hurt undercurrent to it all that told him Roy didn’t really mean it, he was just… well.
Maybe Johnny should’ve just told him what’d happened, but he couldn’t bring himself to do that – it was just easier for both of them if Roy didn’t know. Easier for them to not do anything stupid.
No, staying quiet and keeping all of this to himself was the right thing to do.
–
Unfortunately, Roy didn’t get the message that the conversation was over, and he kept prodding at it all shift long, relentlessly, wearing Johnny’s patience down slowly but surely.
He was still needling Johnny about his love life by the time the shift was over and they were walking out to their cars together.
“Don’t get me wrong, Johnny,” Roy was saying as they stepped out into the backyard, and Johnny knew where that sentence was gonna go. “I’m happy for you, but–”
Johnny’d had enough. He would put up with a shift full of barely-hidden barbs just fine, at least when it was Roy needling him, but even he had his limits, his partner’s jealousy be damned. He whirled around to face Roy, who took a startled step back, his back suddenly against the brick wall.
“No, you’re not happy,” Johnny replied sharply, before he realized what he was doing, decided that he didn’t care. “You wanna know how I know that?”
“Johnny, what–”
Johnny looked around, making sure that nobody else was within earshot; he still had enough wherewithal to take care of that at least.
“YOU gave me that hickey,” Johnny hissed, quietly but insistently, poking his finger at Roy’s chest, “so you don’t have to act all high ‘n mighty about this.”
Roy went very still at that, but Johnny could feel him thrumming with tension under his fingertip.
“I did not,” he said, but Johnny was pretty sure he knew better, even if he couldn’t outright remember it.
“You did,” Johnny repeated, calmly and evenly, dropping his hand. “And I wanted it. I wanted you. I coulda stopped you, easy, but I didn’t, because I’ve never wanted anything more in my life.”
Silence. Then, slowly, hesitantly: “How… how far did we go?”
Johnny smiled a sad, lopsided smile.
“We kissed ‘n you gave me that hickey… and that’s where I stopped you, because I knew that even if you really did mean it, even if you really did love me, even if you did want this in that moment… I couldn’t let you do it. I knew your family had to come first.”
“But you wanted it? I didn’t–”
“I wanted it so bad I hardly knew what to do with myself,” Johnny replied. “You didn’t do anything I didn’t let you do. Probably shoulda stopped you earlier, but I– you were– uh, you were very persuasive.”
He paused for a long moment, and took a deep, steadying breath.
“How much of that was really you, and how much of it was just the alcohol talking? Because I was kinda hoping it wasn’t just… ah, forget it, doesn’t make a difference anyway.”
“I wouldn’t have said or done any of it if I hadn’t been so drunk,” Roy replied, “but it was all me. I…” a quick, surreptitious glance around, and they really should be doing this somewhere else. “I love you, Johnny. Always have, always will.”
There it was.
Johnny actually felt himself shudder – he’d needed to hear that again so badly.
He caught Roy’s gaze, deep blue eyes meeting sunlit brown, looking worried despite everything, and he almost laughed.
“You really coulda figured that out by now,” he said, “but I love you too. Just, you know, just in case you needed me to say that.”
He grinned and watched, satisfied, as Roy’s lips twitched into an almost bashful smile, before he shook his head and sighed.
“I had my one chance to kiss you,” he said, “and I don’t even remember it.”
They were really getting reckless now, Johnny knew that, but the opportunity was too good to pass up on.
“We can change that,” he said, leaning in a little bit, giving Roy the opportunity to close the gap if he wanted to.
For a long moment, Roy didn’t move, and Johnny was really starting to worry, but then he leaned in after all, slowly, hesitantly.
“This is a terrible idea,” he said, close enough that Johnny could feel it on his skin.
“Yeah, well,” Johnny whispered against his lips, “so was the first time.”
And then Roy closed the gap between them.
They kept it short – chaste, almost – but it was amazing, better than the first time, because this time Roy knew what he was doing. This time, Johnny knew Roy actually meant it.
“This is as far as we can ever go,” Roy said after they broke apart again, saying out loud what they’d both been thinking.
“We shouldn’t even go that far,” Johnny replied.
“Yeah.” Roy looked at him, with a kind of deep, quiet sadness that cut like a knife. “So nothing’s changed, really.”
“No,” Johnny half-whispered, his voice breaking. “We’ll know.”
“Yeah.” Roy nodded. Thought about it for a moment or two. “Yeah, you’re right.”
A pensive look. A short smile.
“Wanna come grab breakfast at my place?” Roy asked, casually as anything.
“Really?”
He’d been worried that Roy would be awkward about all of this, that he’d lose his precarious position as a friend of the family, worried that Roy wouldn’t want him ‘n Joanne in one room together, and he’d never been so glad to be wrong.
“Sure, you deserve it,” Roy replied with a shrug. “You know, considering. And besides, Joanne likes you, so I’m sure she won’t mind.”
There was a ‘yet’ hanging in the air, but neither of them were ready to acknowledge it. They’d cross that bridge when they came to it. If they came to it, and Johnny had every intention to make sure that wouldn’t happen.
Right now, he couldn’t have cared less, anyway.
“Alright!” he exclaimed, clapped a hand on Roy’s shoulder. “Good deal!”
He didn’t know how this was gonna end, and that still kinda scared him, but right now Roy loved him and he felt like he was flying. They’d figure it out, he was sure of that.
Somehow, they’d make do, and that was a lot better than he ever could’ve hoped for.