Work Text:
A six year old walks into his apartment.
It's not locked, because no one ever taught him to lock it, and no one would dare go near the place where "that child" lives. So, the six year old walks in.
He doesn't take his shoes off at the door, because no one ever taught him to do so. Moreover, he prefers to wear the shoes I side, so the grittiness of the floors doesn't get on his feet. No one has ever taught him how to properly sweep, and though he has a basic concept of how to do it, he isn't doing it right, though he doesn't know that.
The six year old puts his stuff on the kitchen table, but doesn't put it away. There is no one who will be bothered even if he doesn't.
The six year old opens the fridge, looking for food. There's only milk in the fridge, and it's expired, but the six year old doesn't know that. He knows that sometimes the milk will taste bad, and sometimes it will hurt his stomach to drink, but he doesn't understand why. No one has ever explained what it means for milk to expire, or why it should not be drunken after it does. But, even if they did explain this, the six year old would still drink the expired milk. He has nothing other than it.
So the six year old takes out the milk, only at the middle shelf, because he can't reach the highest one, and there is no one to grab it for him. The six year old drinks the milk, expired though it is, but he's used to it, and the taste doesn't affect him. The six year old knows that he can only consume what he has, no matter if it is good or not. This is what he had learned, all by himself. No one tells him otherwise.
He's hungry, so the six year old opens the cupboards to get food. His only food is instant ramen, but the six year old knows how to make it now. He no longer accidentally spills the boiling water on his hands or tries to eat it too soon. The noodles are up high, someone put them there without thought of the six year old, too small to reach them, but he isn't five anymore, when he had to use a broom to knock them out. He's six now, and he knows how to use a chair to climb o to the counter, and how to edge carefully along the counter - without falling off-and get the package from the cupboard.
He knows how to get the pot from the cupboard and put it on the stove, and how to carefully add the boiling water, cup by cup, carefully taking each plastic cupful from the bathroom sink (which is easier to reach) and carry it without spilling to the chair, which he carefully climbs onto to pour the water into the pot. It's long and arduous work, but he must do it this way, because he hasn't yet figured out how to get a heavy pot of water safely up onto the stove. He has no way to do it, and no one to do it for him.
So, arduously, the six year old fills the pot, and sets it to boil on the stove, something he knows how to do, because he learned. He was shown, once, or maybe twice, and he learns fast, because there is no one to show him how to do it over and over until he gets it. He must learn how to do it the first time he is shown, or by himself. So, a six year old turns on the stove and boils water.
The six year watches for the water to boil, feeling the painful bite of a grumbling stomach, but he doesn't complain. There is no one to complain to, and no one who would care if he did. So, a six year old doesn't do anything at all until his water boils. A six year old climbs up on a chair, and carefully uses a cup to scoop out boiling water, without getting it on his hands. He is a fast healer, but does not want to be hurt. A six year old pours boiling water into the cup ramen with the experience of someone who does it all the time. He does do it all the time, because there is no one to do it for him.
A six year old turns off the stove, because he is a six year old who has seen his house almost catch fire before because he forgot, and he is a six year old who remembers the scoldings he got then.
A six year old waits for the ramen to cook, because that is all a six year old can do. He eats the ramen, relishing the taste. He is a six year old that can eat food even if it tastes bad, and can drink milk that is spoiled, but he would much rather eat something that tastes good, so he relishes the ramen. He doesn't hold the chopsticks correctly, but he doesn't mind. He doesn't know he is holding them wrong, because no one has told him. No one is there to see him eat. So, the six year old holds his chopsticks wrong and eats messily, because no one scolds him for the mess.
After eating, the six year old throws his empty cup in the garbage can, and runs his chopsticks under the water in the bathroom sink. The six year old doesn't know how to properly wash dishes, because there is no one who taught him. He does not know they need to be properly washed, because no one told him. He is a child who's only dishes is a pot used only for water, a single plastic cup, and a pair of chopsticks. Everything else is thrown out.
The six year old's stomach still rumbles, but he ignores it. His food has to last for a month, until next grocery day. He is a six year old who knows how it feels to eat until you are full for a week, and starve for three weeks, eating only the bare minimum. He is a six year old who learned from that mistake, and doesn't want to make it again.
He's tired, but the six year old can't sleep yet. A six year old knows he has to take care of himself, because no one else will do it. He needs to do laundry, because next laundry day is not for three weeks, but the six year old only has two outfits, one for day, and one for night. No one buys him more, and he cannot afford to buy himself more. He thinks it would be nice, but he does not know he needs more. This is all the six year old has ever known.
So a six year old washes his own clothes. He doesn't know how to wash his clothes, because no one taught him, but he knows it is something that must be done, because he is a six year old who has heard many unpleasant things said about his cleanliness and smell, and he is a six year old that does not want to hear those things any longer.
So a six year old fills up the bathtub with warm water, and takes off his shoes, and his clothes. He doesn't know exactly how to wash clothes, but he has seen others do it, and he knows that it includes putting the clothes in soap and water. He doesn't know how much soap, or what kind, or even that there are different soaps, so he uses the one he uses to wash himself, until the water is somewhat bubbly. He is a six year old that knows to be careful with soap, because once it runs out he won't have any till next month.
The six year old knows he needs to wash too. So, à six year old climbs into a tub of water, all alone, carrying his clothes. A six year old scrubs and swishes the clothes in the water with his bare hands, trying to create "clean". Then, a six year old cleans himself. He cleans his face, and his hair, and his belly and his legs and arms and hands and feet, but not his back or behind his ears and the back of his neck. He doesn't see those areas and doesn't know they are dirty and need to be scrubbed. A six year old can only clean what he perceives to be dirty.
So, a six year old washes until he thinks he is clean, and until he thinks his clothes are clean. A six year old wrings out the water and hands his clothes to dry on the edge of the tub.
A six year old dries his body, and attempts to dry his hair, and only half succeeds. A six year puts on his own pajamas, which need to be washed too, but the six year old doesn't know that, because he can't see any dirt. A six year old brushes his own teeth with not-enough toothpaste, because a six year old knows saving is important. He spits out the toothpaste because that is what he was taught to do, and he learns when he is taught.
A six year old puts himself to bed, and wishes himself goodnight. There is no one else to do it for him.
A six year old wakes himself up the next morning. A six year old gets changed into the clothes that dried overnight but are still slightly damp, but he can't do anything about it, so he wears the clothes. A six year old puts on his shoes and gathers his stuff, and leaves his apartment. He does not lock the door. He was never taught to do so, and has nothing worth stealing.
A six year old sneaks over to the ramen shop with the nice man who will sometimes treat him to breakfast, if no one else is there. It's morning, so no one is there, because a ramen shop isn't usually open in the morning. This shop isn't technically open either, but the six year old doesn't know that. He can't read the closed sign, because no one has taught him to read, and he doesn't know the social conventions of shops and opening times, because it was never explained to him.
So a six year old gets excited and feels lucky when the ramen shop is deserted, and the ramen man has a bowl of hot ramen ready for him. A six year old climbs onto the tall seats he is now tall enough to figure out how to climb, even without help, and he feels satisfied and special when no one tells him to get down. The ramen man is nice, after all.
A six year old eats a very big bowl of ramen, and is happy when he feels full, because he is a six year old that doesn't eat lunch, because he has nothing he can eat for lunch, and no one who will make him lunch or get him something. So, he is a six year old who is happy to be full for breakfast, so that the hunger at lunch will not be as sharp. He doesn't know that the bowl the nice ramen man gives him should fill a full-grown man, nor that the ramen man added extra just for him, and he doesn't how sad the ramen man looks when he sees how voraciously the six year old eats.
He is a six year old who doesn't know that children are not supposed to be hungry, or that kids should not have to feel pain from not eating. He only knows that he must eat when he can, so he will not be hungry later. He finishes his meal, and he thanks the man for it, because he is a smart six year old who watches how people around him speak, and knows that "thank you" is the correct thing to say when someone has done something nice for him. He always says "thank you" even on days when the ramen man is not open, or if he is too busy, because the ramen man is always nice.
A six year old makes his way to school, carrying the few school books he was given by the school. They are worn, and they were worn before he got them. The six year old doesn't use the books very often, because he still doesn't know how to read, because no one has taught him. No one has taught him because no one has yet realized he can't read. No one interacts with him enough to find out, but someone will soon. Until then, a six year old looks only at the pictures and tries to understand what they mean based on what the teacher says.
The six year old goes to school because he was told to go to school by the only adult the six year old has, the grandpa-like man who comes once a month to give the six year old that month's living expenses, and have his special people properly clean the house and the clothes and the garbage, and then the grandpa-like man chats with the six year old for a few minutes until he has to go, and the six year old tries to impress him, because even as a six year old he knows that he is dependent on this man. He likes the grandpa-like man, and he wants the man to like him, because he is a six year old and cannot survive if this man abandons him.
And maybe the six year old also wants to be liked because there is no one who does like him, and he is a six year old who has never felt a mother's warm arms or a father's embrace, and who has never heard the words "I love you" before. Maybe he wants attention and love because he is a six year old who has never had those things, and instinctively, he knows that he needs it. But the Grandpa-like man can't give him what he wants, and instead the six year old gets schoolbooks and lectures and basic necessities, but he doesn't get love or validation.
So a six year old walks himself to a school where he doesn't understand everything fully, because he can't read, and no one will answer his questions if he asks them, no one will acknowledge him. He sits down in a class where all the kids squirm away from, disliking him because their parents do, but not knowing why, and the six year old also does not know why. There is no one who will tell him why he is not liked, why he does not have a family like other children, or why he must be a six year old who takes care of himself. But a six year old goes to this cold and confusing place, because he is a six year old that craves affection, but he is a six year old who was taught he must earn it.
A six year old gets confused during lessons he doesn't understand, and does not raise his hand for help. He is a six year old that knows no help will come, no matter how long he raises his hand. He is a six year old who is invisible in his class, and he is a six year old who very much wants to not be invisible. So a six year old causes a commotion, thumping his chair, pulling his classmate's hair, humming loudly during the lesson.
A six year old gets snapped out by a teacher and sent out of his class to stand in the hallway, but the six year old is happy for the few seconds when his name was called, and he wasn't invisible. He isn't called back in, and the six year old makes a nuisance of himself in the hall, so he doesn't become an invisible six year old again. A six year old sees a principle, and a six year old is given detention. He doesn't even know what detention is, or that its supposed to be a punishment, and is just happy he's being noticed. He doesn't know that there is a thing called "expelled" and that it could happen to him, and he doesn't know that the reason it hasn't happened is because a higher power interfered, ordering that it should not happen.
A six year old is kept late in school, but no parents come to pick him up. There is no one to come.
A six year old is famished as he walks home, later day than normal, with no lunch. He hears a few jeers on the way home, and the six year old is happy to shout back, using words a six year old shouldn't know, ones he doesn't understand, but repeats anyways, because that is what was said to him. A six year old get into a fight with kids several years older, and loses badly, but the six year old is still happy, because even a fight and mean words is better than the whispers and turning away.
He is a six year old who only knows the heat of anger or the coolness of the cold shoulder and silent treatment, and he is a six year old who has learned anger equals attention, and to the six year old, attention equals affection. So a six year old gets into a fight, and loses badly, and a six year old drags his bruised self home, already beginning to heal. He doesn't know his fast healing is what is saving him, or that a normal child would need Band-Aids and bed-rest. He is a six year old who never had the luxury of those things.
A six year old walks past the kind ramen man's ramen shop, even though his stomach is growling and hurts terribly, because the ramen shop is busy, and he is a six year old who has learned that kindness is only available when there is no one else around, and that kindness is limited. He is a six year old who is trying to stretch the kindness he can get so that he can be less hungry for a little longer.
A six year old climbs the stairs carefully, one exaggerated step at a time, because the six year old knows what it feels like to fall down the stairs, and there is no one who will treat his scrapes or make him feel better. So a six year old climbs the steps carefully, so that he won't be hurt, and eventually reaches the top and makes his way to the door he knows is his.
A six year old walks into his apartment, and does not lock his door, because no one has ever taught him to do that. And a six year old starts the lonely and painful cycle again, and again, and again.
He is a six year old who doesn't know that the growing ache inside is called "loneliness".
He is a six year old who is not a six year old at all, not really.