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Jamie was fuming.
“What’s the matter, Reagan?” said another officer as Jamie passed him. “Got enough steam in your ears for us to call the hose jockeys.”
There were a few laughs from the other squad members. Jamie ignored them all and entered the locker room. Jamie thought about his previous conversation with Sergeant Renzulli as he changed into his street clothes.
“You got a thing for your partner?”
Jamie stared at his sergeant in disbelief, waiting for him to say, “Psych.”
“No,” huffed Jamie when it was clear there was no punchline.
“Would that amount of force have been necessary if I was your partner?”
“I think it would,” replied Jamie, without missing a beat.
“I want you to go home and think real hard about your feelings toward Officer Janko.”
Jamie had bitten his tongue. He knew his place and he also knew Sergeant Renzulli. The latter’s warning was borne of good intentions, but he was so far off base.
Thankfully, no one else tried to talk to him as he left the locker room and began making his way out of the precinct.
“Reagan, wait!”
Fucking hell.
“I’ll see you next tour, Janko,” said Jamie wearily.
“Come on, we both said some things —”
“Did we?” snapped Jamie, spinning around. She blinked in surprise. “Funny, I thought I was told I’m too protective of my partner when I was just having her back. Which, for the record, she said is the most important thing to her.”
“Jamie —” tried Eddie.
“Of course, that was also before I was reamed out by Serg for allegedly hiding feelings toward you and endangering us both,” bit out Jamie.
“What?” said Eddie, her eyes widening. “Reagan, I never thought —”
“It doesn’t matter what you thought, Janko,” hissed Jamie. “Now I either look like some macho asshole or a lovesick fool. Which is better? Because I sure as hell don’t like my options.”
“I’m sorry,” said Eddie, and Jamie could see that she meant it. “Let’s go grab a beer and —”
“I can’t do this right now,” said Jamie. “I’m meeting my siblings.”
“Since wh —?”
“Damn it, Janko. I don’t need to run everything by you! We’re not each other’s keepers.”
Jamie tried to ignore the twist in his chest when he saw the look of hurt cross Eddie’s face. It was as though he had slapped her.
Jamie turned on his heel and left before he could say anything else that he would regret.
***
“Sounds like you messed up big time, little brother,” said Danny, raising an eyebrow.
“I like it more when it’s just the two of us having drinks,” said Jamie flatly, looking at Erin.
His sister gave an airy laugh.
“Because I’m so known for telling people what they want to hear?” said Erin sardonically.
“True,” muttered Jamie. “Joe would be on my side.”
Danny scoffed.
“Joe would ask why you haven’t requested a new partner yet so you could make your move,” said Danny, and Erin nodded. “Don’t rewrite him.”
Jamie pursed his lips.
“I don’t have feelings for Janko,” said Jamie. “But even if I did —”
“Ah-ha!” said Danny.
“— this isn’t that,” finished Jamie like there was no interruption.
“What is it, then?” said Erin, scrutinizing him like he was on cross-examination with her.
Jamie shifted the bottle in his hand. He recalled a memory.
“Don’t go anywhere … stay with me … fight; come on, fight!”
“Stop smiling! Look at me!”
“It’s okay, Reagan. I told you. I told you this is The End. This is the end. It’s okay.”
“Jamie?” said Erin gently.
Jamie wasn’t sure what his expression looked like, but he felt haunted and was sure that his face reflected it.
“Eddie and I have worked together for a year now,” said Jamie. He picked at the beer label. “Which means it’s also a year since …”
Recognition dawned on Danny’s face.
“A year since Vinny’s death.”
Jamie nodded as Erin said, “Oh, Jamie” and Danny added, “Sorry, kid.”
“All day, she kept bringing up our ‘anniversary’,” said Jamie. “I wanted to be happy for her. Hell, I am happy for her. But as soon as I saw that guy knock her off her feet, it was like I was back in that courtyard. Only this time, I could actually do something and not duck for cover like a —”
“Don’t even think about finishing that sentence unless it ends, ‘Like a smart cop.’ You couldn’t have saved Vinny, kid. Nobody could. Trust me, I’ve been there. More than once. It hurts like Hell, and that never goes away. But tying yourself up in knots won’t bring them back or allow you to do the job and protect the next partner.”
“So do you get it now?” asked Jamie.
“Sure, I get it. I would’ve done the same thing.”
“However,” stressed Erin. “You two can’t fly off the handle every time someone attacks your partners. Sooner or later, it’ll put everyone at risk. Like if a third person had arrived and you were too busy delivering a beat down.”
Jamie scowled at his beer. He hated when Erin was right almost as much as Danny did.
“You should talk to her,” said Erin.
Jamie scoffed.
“I should, should I?”
“Yeah, us Reagan men don’t do that,” snorted Danny.
“And how’s that working for you?” asked Erin.
Danny tilted his head in acknowledgment and Jamie sighed. Once again, he knew Erin was right. She was also only trying to help him. He nodded and the trio lapsed into a silence, until:
“For the record,” said Danny, taking another sip of his beer. “If you did like Janko, Vinny’d be the first to tell you to go for it with both hands.”
Erin groaned and Jamie rolled his eyes.
“You’re the worst, you know that?”
***
Jamie froze when he rounded the corner and got a clear view of his apartment door.
“You’re becoming like a canker sore, Janko,” said Jamie. There was no malice in his tone.
“Easier on the eyes, though.”
Despite her easy shrug, the statement still came out more like a question. Jamie didn’t offer a response and went to unlock the door. He motioned for Eddie to go inside ahead of him.
“God, this is such a dude’s apartment,” snorted Eddie. “Nice space.”
“Thanks,” said Jamie dryly. “I assume you’re not here to critique my decor.”
“No small talk. Got it.” Jamie arched an eyebrow. “I didn’t like how we left things earlier. Our lives are too uncertain to leave things unresolved.”
Jamie sighed. He thought about Joe and Vinny. How their killers ripped their lives from them. Like ripping the pages out of a book. It left their loved ones with more questions than answers.
“Just as well,” said Jamie. “I was gonna talk to you in the morning anyways. Want a drink?”
Eddie shook her head, so Jamie just stuck his hands in his pockets. He looked down at his shoes as he collected his thoughts.
“I wasn’t honest with Boss earlier,” said Jamie. He kept his gaze on his feet. “I mean, I sort of was, but not really.” He was floundering and he knew it. “What happened wasn’t some ‘angry, lovesick’ routine – that part that I told him was true.”
“And what you didn’t tell him?”
Jamie finally looked up and met Eddie’s gaze. Her eyes were inquisitive, but softer than earlier.
“Was that when that guy attacked you, it was like I was back in the Bitterman Housing Projects.”
Eddie blinked. Jamie could practically hear the gears rotating in her head.
“That’s where …” she trailed off, and he nodded.
“Where my last partner Vinny was killed,” finished Jamie. “A year ago this past May.”
Something else clicked behind Eddie’s eyes and she groaned.
“And I kept going on about it being our anniversary. Reagan, I’m so sorry.”
Jamie shook his head.
“I realize it wasn’t the same,” said Jamie. “And I realize my attacking that guy doesn’t bring back Vinny and could have put us in more danger if it were another situation. I just can’t …”
Jamie’s voice cracked and he rapidly blinked. He took a deep breath.
“I can’t stand losing another partner, Eddie. Not when I could do something about it.”
“Hey,” said Eddie, closing some of the distance between them. She put a hand on his bicep. “I’m right here, okay? Same old pain in the ass who eats way too much, right?”
Jamie’s laugh was strained.
“He always wanted to take lunch breaks, too.”
“You’ve never spoken about him,” said Eddie unnecessarily. Jamie nodded.
“He …” Jamie squeezed his eyes shut. “Fuck.”
Eddie immediately pulled him in for a hug. Jamie released a shuddery breath, hating the burning in his eyes. He tried to focus on Eddie’s soothing, rhythmic motions on his back.
“Thanks,” said Jamie after a few minutes.
He pulled back and scrubbed his face before motioning to the couch. They both sat opposite one another as he collected himself.
“He and I didn’t get on at all when he was transferred to the 12th,” said Jamie. “But once we leveled with one another, we were like a house on fire. He’d have liked how you put me in my place. And how you’d have done the same to him when he’d have tried flirting with you.”
Eddie smirked but remained silent. Jamie appreciated how she just knew he needed to talk.
“It shouldn’t have happened,” said Jamie. “It was a set-up and I tried to warn him to fall back, but it happened too quickly. The sniper on the roof got me in my vest and hit him in the neck.”
Eddie reached out and squeezed Jamie’s hand. The latter returned the pressure.
“He … died in my arms,” said Jamie wincing. The same memory of him hugging Vinny and begging him to live resurfaced. So did the grotesque image of Vinny’s blood-stained smile.
“Don’t go anywhere … stay with me … fight; come on, fight!”
“Stop smiling! Look at me!”
“It’s okay, Reagan. I told you. I told you this is The End. This is the end. It’s okay.”
“I’m so sorry, Jamie,” whispered Eddie. He nodded but she lowered her head so he’d meet her gaze. “I’m sorry for all of it.”
“I’m sorry, too,” said Jamie. “I thought I’d moved past it. After it happened, I was a fall-down mess. Drank too much, couldn’t see the point in any of it. The job, having faith. The summer before we met, I was barely holding it together.”
“What changed?” asked Eddie.
“My folks,” said Jamie, releasing a breath. “But not without a whole lot of effort, especially from Danny and my dad.” Jamie hesitated, debating whether or not he should say what was also on his mind. Eventually, he gave into it. “And you.”
Eddie’s eyebrows shot up, and Jamie scoffed.
“Modesty doesn’t suit you.”
“Hey,” she protested, lightly punching his arm. He cracked a smile. “I’m a delight.”
“You are,” agreed Jamie. The teasing smile slipped off her face. “I didn’t know how I was going to go back out there with a new partner. Then when you told me that you were fresh out of the Academy …”
“You damn near had an aneurysm,” finished Eddie. Jamie rolled his lips to hold back a smile. “It was written all over your face, Reagan.”
“Yeah, well, you looked like a kid dressing up as a cop for Halloween. I was apprehensive.”
“Asshole,” she laughed.
Jamie glanced out the window, collecting his thoughts.
“I’m not really good at this,” said Jamie. “The whole telling people what they mean to me. I mean, I’m better than my brother Danny but that’s hardly a bar to set.”
“Modesty doesn’t suit you, Reagan,” she echoed with a smile. “It clashes with that chip on your shoulder.”
Jamie scratched the back of his neck, fighting a smile. It was a sadder smile. More nostalgic.
“What?” asked Eddie curiously.
“Vinny and his mom were close,” explained Jamie. “I used to tease him that she was the one woman that he actually made an effort with when it came to being honest.”
“When I met her afterwards, she said that he had mentioned me to her. Her exact words were: ‘He said the only thing bigger than the chip on your shoulder was your heart.’”
Despite the low light of the room, Eddie’s eyes sparkled.
“He sounds like a smart guy. A good one, too.”
Jamie studied her for a moment and then offered her a smile.
“Yeah,” agreed Jamie. “I get lucky in that way with my partners.”