Work Text:
4 am
“Has anyone seen Simon?” Raphael asked, coming into the common room.
“No,” Lily answered, looking up questioningly. “Something happened?”
“Yes!” Raphael snapped, before breathing in slowly. “Not really. We had a meeting, and he didn’t come. And I can’t find him anywhere.”
“Well, you can always find him later,” Jacob said, not looking up from the TV. “He’d come at some point, yeah?”
“I guess,” Raphael said slowly, falling into the armchair. “I haven't seen him at all today,” he murmured softly, as if to himself. “He was gone when I woke up and he wasn’t there when I went to bed yesterday. And I’ve only seen him in passing yesterday, and he was running around with the shadowhunters day and night for a week before that.”
“You miss your boyfriend, we got that,” Lily smiled, coming closer and resting her hand on his shoulder. “I’m sure he’ll show up soon.”
“I’ll teach penguins to fly!” suddenly sounded. In a moment Raphael was next to the armchair, tucked away in the small alcove in the back of the room, hidden from the view of the rest of the room by an avocado tree in a pot some of the younger vampires decided would be fine to grow a couple of years ago.
There, slouched in the armchair, laying sideways, with his head pressed to his shoulder, one of the legs over the armrest, the other curled under him, laid Simon.
“That’s it, Spot, you can reach your dream!” he murmured, his head rolling to the other side.
“Well, here he is, we found him,” Jacob said, clapping Raphael’ shoulder, both him and Lily going back to the couch.
Raphael sighed, coming closer to the armchair, sneaking one arm under Simon’s knees, the other under his back.
“Raph?” Simon asked softly, opening one eye.
“Mhm,” Raphael hummed, picking Simon up bridal style, revelling in the warm feeling that spread through his chest as Simon immediately rested his head on Raphael’s shoulder, snuggling closer.
“Isn’t it sad?”
“What is sad?” Raphael asked, as they left the room.
“That they can’t fly.”
“Mhm. Lot’s of creatures can't fly. We can’t, for one.”
“We are vampires!” Simon flinched, both his eyes wide open now. “Like bats! Bats can fly!"
“If you say so, cariño.”
4 pm
“Uuuh,” Simon groaned, throwing himself in the chair next to Clary.
“Bad day?” she asked sympathetically, her eyes still on the screen in front of her, looking for any demon activity in the area.
“You could say so,” Simon rested his elbows on the table, laying his head on top of them, his voice slightly muffled. “Or no. Not really. Everything’s alright, if not for one itty bitty detail. Namely, me sleeping through the whole night.”
“Mmh, doesn’t seem too concerning to me,” Clary noticed, turning to him and raising an eyebrow.
“I’m a vampire, Clary,” Simon said slowly, returning an unimpressed look.
“Oh,” Clary looked sheepish, “sorry. Sometimes, when I am not actively thinking about it I just… forget?”
“Tis okay,” Simon sighed, lowering his head back down.
“Well, you are also a daylighter,” Clary said lightly, “maybe that’s that?”
“Please, Clary,” Simon scoffed. “I’ve been a daylighter for a few years now, that’s not that. I still feel the need to sleep during the day. I sleep better during the day. It’s like… night is a natural time for me, and I instinctively want to be active during that time. Not to mention that I have work, a clan, and a boyfriend, and I can’t just miss all of that due to sleeping.”
“Well, how come you do this anyway?” Clary turned back to the screen, still devoid of any activity.
“That mission we were on,” Simon sighed.
“The sluggish-demons-looking-even-more-hellish-than-usual mission?”
“One and the same. I’d prefer the next mission to be one with the demons who behave themselves as such, namely only attack at night.”
“Well, they mostly were in the drainage channels, so it makes sense for them to mix day and night.”
“Yeah. Anyway, after all that I just came home and slept like dead. Deader than usual anyway. And when I woke up, it was not to see the sun lowering under the horizon, as it usually does. It was to see a clan of vampires going around on their night routine, ready to go to bed in an hour or two. And I tried to righten my schedule since then, but I just end up falling asleep in the middle of the night or even earlier.”
“Hmm, that’s bad.”
“What’s bad?” a new voice asked, and Jace flopped down in the chair on the other side from Simon, resting his legs on the table.
“My involvement with Shadowhunters,” Simon grumbled.
“Oi, you love us!” Jace said, at the same time as Clary explained, “Simon can’t go to sleep when he needs to, he messed with his sleep schedule during our last mission.”
“Well, just ask your boyfriend to tire you out,” he smirked, wiggling his eyebrows.
Simon felt himself stiffening, something akin to growl in his throat. There weren’t a lot of things that could offend or anger him, but people not respecting or validating Raph’s sexuality was a foolproof way to do that.
Clary laid her hand on one of his, turning to look at Jace.
“You do realise that they are not… tiring out like that,” she said slowly.
“Not really my business what happens in others’ bedrooms,” Jace shrugged, cleaning an apple with his shirt and sinking his teeth in it.
“He is ace, Jace. Ace as in asexual.”
“Well, I didn’t know that,” he shrugged. “I’m sorry. It’s not like there was an announcement or something.” Which was true, Raphael didn’t organise a coming out party, and even if he did, it would have been when neither of them were born yet, but he didn’t keep it a secret either.
“I’m pretty sure I’ve told you that one day.”
“Well, you talk a lot in general, it’s not like I can remember everything. Anyway, my point stands. You can still tire yourself out, you know, train, run, do unspeakable vampire activities. You’ll sleep like a baby.”
“Hmm,” Simon hummed consideringly as his phone pinged.
“Duty calls?” Clary asked, looking over his shoulder.
“Oh, no,” Simon flinched back from Clary, collapsing into Jace, who abandoned his apple and snatched the phone from Simon’s hand.
“No, no, give it back,” Simon shouted, taking after Jace who was already up and away with his phone.
“Come on, dude,” he smirked, still running and not looking at the screen. “You weren’t sexting, were you?”
“No, I wasn't,” Simon seethed.
“That’s what I thought,” Jace answered, looking down at the screen. “Oh.”
Clary looked over his shoulder and cooed.
In a moment Simon was next to them, taking his phone, and then on the other side of the room, looking at the screen.
On it there was an image of a black heart flying around the red heart and occasionally doing something akin to hugging it, with ‘Raph snuggles you’ written above the hearts.
Simon saw this app on a mundane girl’s phone a couple of months ago, in a subway. He didn’t mean to look, and he generally didn’t have a habit of using a subway now that he had vampire speed. But, well, he was tired and he couldn’t concentrate enough to specifically not look and what was he supposed to do when he saw ‘Babe bites you’ and two animated fangy hearts?
Raphael thought it was stupid at first, of course he did. But the idea grew on him.
For how much this man was eloquent and confident with anything work-related, and equally as eloquent if it meant making Simon flustered, he seemed to lose all his words when it came to talking about his feelings, talking about his needs.
So even though the idea of an app to hug and kiss and touch and bite your partner seemed absolutely hideous to him at first, now things have changed. Now he would send him a digital kiss while sitting on a meeting and knowing Simon is dealing with some Shadowhunter business, would send a hug when he knew it was an off day and Raphael himself had to go and work, instead of cuddling Simon all day, would send a bite when it was time to feed and he knew Simon would forget about it, or, sometimes, as a more direct proposition.
And now, just the thought of his boyfriend waking up all sleepy and soft, and possibly grumpy, as neither waking up in the middle of the day, nor doing it alone was ever a reason for Raphael’s good mood, and demanding snuggles through the “abysmal hugging app”. It made something in Simon’s chest squeeze so much it hurt.
“Simon,” Clary’s voice brought him back from his thoughts.
“Hmm,” he looked up. “Sorry, I need to go. Some very important vampire business,” he threw over his shoulder, already moving to the doors.
A burst of laughter was his only answer. Whatever. He had his lovely partner to snuggle and nothing was going to hold him up.
2 am
“Simon?”
The man came into the kitchen, making a beeline straight to the fridge with blood.
“Are you alright?”
Choosing one of the packs, Simon opened it, rather hastily pouring it into the cup.
“Are you hurt?” That would answer the immediate need in blood. “Have you forgotten to feed?”
Simon reached into the cupboard where they stored the supplements. He took one of the jars, taking a spoonful of brown powder, mixing it with the blood in a cup.
“Simon?”
The man flinched from the voice just next to his head, turning around.
“Raphael!”
“Are you alright, cariño?”
“Yeah, yes, I’m a-okay.” His words were interrupted by a yawn. “Sorry. Did you want anything?”
“No.”
“Oh, alright.” Simon took his cup, drinking from it with large gulps.
“Slow down, you’ll feel sick.” Raphael took the cup, letting Simon swallow what he already drank.
“Yeah, alright.” Simon took the cup back, taking slower sips this time. “I’m just sleepy.”
“It’s… just a couple of hours after midnight?”
“Yeah, I know,” Simon sighed, slumping down against Raphael’s chest. “I’ve been like these for hours now. It’s the third cup. Need to energize.”
“Or you can just go to sleep as your body clearly tells you.”
“Nah, can’t do that,” Simon weaved his arms around Raphael’s waist, pulling him closer. “Come on!” He abruptly stood back, drinking what remained in his cup and tugging Raphael out of the kitchen. “Let’s get the hormones going!”
“What?”
“Let’s train,” Simon said, as they were already coming into the gym, having gone through half of the building with Raphael in tow on a vampire speed.
“Now you want to train?” Raphael smirked. “I thought it was your least favourite thing to do and you wouldn’t do it of your free will ever in your life. Unlife, if we are precise.”
“Come on, that was one time,” Simon groaned, “after hours of training! I couldn’t feel my body! And I could feel every muscle of it the next night, even those I didn’t know existed.”
“Yeah, that’s how you train,” Raphael shrugged. “Don’t think I forgot about all the times you skipped training.”
“I was a young and stupid fledgling back then,” Simon countered, coming closer. “Come on, take your jacket off, wouldn’t want you to ruin it.”
“You are still a silly fledgling,” Raphael smiled fondly and obliged, taking his jacket off and rolling the sleeves of his shirt.
“No, I’m not just a silly fledgling,” Simon pouted, and Raphael tugged him closer, leaving a chaste kiss on his lips. “I’m your silly fledgling.”
“Very true,” Raphael answered, kissing him again, resting a hand on Simon’s cheek and caressing his side with the other. They stood like that until between one kiss and the other Simon yawned just into Raphael’s face, leading the two in a sprout of laughter.
“Alright, yeah, training,” Simon smiled, going to the other side of the room.
“Hand-to-hand combat?” Raphael asked.
“Yep,” Simon grinned. “As if I’d turn down a chance to have my hands on your body.”
Raphael rolled his eyes. “If you wanted that, you could just ask for a cuddle, no need for all of this.” He got into the position, both of them on the opposite sides of the mat.
“That would be a little counterproductive, wouldn’t it?” Simon shot forward, aiming a blow into Raphael’s right side that he easily blocked, spinning away.
“A very productive pastime if you ask me,” Raphael smirked. “Though it’s not like I would say no to a good workout.”
“Mhm,” Simon smiled, but his movements were a little sluggish. He could only beat Raphael three times out of ten on a good day, and this wasn’t one of those. Coming closer, Raphael hooked his ankle around one of Simon’s, tugging it and making Simon fall back on the mat, tugging Raphael on top of himself.
“Well, hello,” Raphael smiled, looking down at the fledgling.
“Hi,” Simon murmured breathlessly, blinking slowly at Raphael. “You come here often?”
Raphael laughed, feeling the vibrations of Simon’s chest under him. “That was awful.”
“Yeah? Then did it hurt? Falling from hea-”
“Shut up,” Raphael said fondly, plasting a hand on top of Simon’s mouth. “Of all the cheesy pick up lines- oh!” he screamed, taking his hand away as Smon licked it.
“I’d say that you need to make me. Shut up, that is,” Simon wrapped both of his arms around Raphael. “But you kind of did, which I thoroughly disliked, so you need to try again.”
“Hmm? Alright,” Raphael smiled, bringing his head down and pressing a kiss on Simon’s chin, his cheekbone, the corner of his eye, his forehead, and the line of his hair.
“Hmm.” Simon rested a hand on the back of Raphael’s head, guiding his lips to finally rest on Simon’s.
“Now silent, cariño?” Raphael asked as Simon hooked his leg around Raphael’s knees, bringing the two of them even closer.
“Shut up,” Simon answered, kissing Raphael again, sliding his tongue along his bottom lip.
They were at that for a few minutes when Raphael took his lips from Simon’s once again, trailing the kisses along his jaw and down his neck.
“Raph,” Simon sighed, as Raphael bit lightly at his neck, kissing the place after that.
“Simon,” Raphael breathed, trailing the kisses to his collarbones, feeling as Simon went soft and pliant under him.
With the last kiss he looked up. Simon’s eyes were closed, his mouth slightly agape, one of his hands falling from Raphael’s back.
“Simon,” he asked once again for good measure, before shaking his head. “Idiota.”
“Let’s take you to bed,” he whispered, taking Simon up and pressing a soft kiss on his forehead.
2 pm
“Looking a bit ragged, aren't we, Sirius? Finally the skin reflects the madness within.”
“You'd know all about the madness within, wouldn't you?”
“You should kiss him on the mouth,” Simon mumbled, looking at two men on the screen embracing each other. “Come on. You can’t be that oblivious.”
“You should go to sleep,” a sleepy voice sounded, and Simon felt a hand falling on his stomach and a face pressing to his shoulder.
“Did I wake you up,” he asked, pausing the film and turning his head to look at Raphael. “Sorry.”
“Mhm,” he hummed noncommittally.
“Okay, I’ll just-” Simon took the laptop off his lap and started disentangling himself from the blanket.
“Mhm,” Raphael hummed again, pulling Simon closer and laying his head on his shoulder. “Where are you going?”
“I don’t wanna take your beauty sleep from you,” Simon smiled, brushing aside the fringe over Raphael’s forehead in a gentle motion. “And I wouldn’t be able to fall asleep right now, and I’ll get all fidgety if I just lay here. So,” he shrugged.
Raphael hummed again, now sounding disapproving. He seemed to rest even more weight on Simon. “Don’t go. Let’s watch this film.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, just make the sound quiet.”
Simon took the headphones off, stretching a bit to rest them on the bedside table.
“Erm,” Simon hesitated, taking his laptop and putting it back down. While previously it stood on his lap, now he had a lapful of a cuddly vampire, with Raphael’s arm and leg around Simon, his head nuzzling into Simon’s neck. “Love, are you sure you wanna watch it now?”
“Positive.”
“Alright then,” Simon answered, turning the film on, turning his head towards the screen while his body was used as a large cuddle pillow. He rested his hand on Raphael’s forearm, his other arm squeezed between their bodies, turned his head to press a light kiss to Raphael’s forehead and back to the screen.
They laid like that for a couple of minutes until Simon noticed his neck hurting in the position, his shoulder straining, the hand going numb under Raphael.
“You are squirming,” Raphael noticed, as Simon tried to flex his neck from side to side slightly to relax it.
“Sorry.” Simon stopped.
“Idiota,” Raphael muttered as he took his limbs from Simon, nudging him to lay at his side, facing the laptop, and spooning him from his back, his arm yet again around Simon and his leg bent around his knees. “Better?” he asked, lips brushing Simon’s neck.
“Much,” Simon answered, laying his hand atop Raphael’s and reveling in the weight of his boyfriend against his back.
“I did my waiting!” the man on the screen shouted.
1 am
“Simon, you look like shit!” Raphael heard a cheerful voice as he approached the kitchen. Simon looked alright when Raphael saw him after waking up, as cheerful and chatty as ever, but hours had passed since that time, Raphael saw the world changing in less. “Raphael kept you up all day?”
Raphael entered the kitchen then, giving Stan his “I’m not up to dealing with your shit” glare and making a beeline to Simon, who looked tired, his eyebrows knitted together. Stan was only turned around a month ago – enough time to know Raphael and Simon were dating, not enough to find out that they weren’t doing whatever his wiggling eyebrows suggested.
He’ll leave it at that for now. Raphael didn’t really feel like coming out right now, especially with something that was pretty much a common knowledge. Somebody else would tell him eventually. Honestly, did he need to add this to “So, you are a vampire” leaflets?
They didn’t really have the leaflets. Simon would like the idea though. Raphael glanced at him. Well, maybe not right now, but when he doesn’t look dead on his feet - sure.
“Raphael!” Simon said happily as he focused his gaze on him, taking a couple of steps forward and falling down on Raphael, his arms around his neck, Simon’s head on Raphael’s shoulder.
At least, this wasn’t too concerning. This was a Simon variation of hug even when he wasn’t about to fall asleep right this second. Apparently falling into your friends’ arms like a fainting princess is, what Clary has once put it, Simon’s love language.
He even did it once with Magnus, who was amused and caught him with his magic, but Raphael knew he was actually flattered.
“What are you doing here, cariño?”
“Just, you know,” he shrugged, which proved to be difficult while his arms were still around Raphael, “the usual.”
“The usual?”
“Yeah, you know. Vampire stuff.”
“Hmh. Let’s go,” he wrapped an arm around Simon’s shoulders, leading him out of the door.
“You always nudge me to go to sleep now,” Simon said, pouting. “You don’t want me around you?”
“I want that,” Raphael said slowly, “always. What I don’t want is you dead on your feet, even more so than usual, when I know we can do something about that.”
“But I am a vampire,” Simon gestured with his hands a little too much, overbalancing and stumbling, before Raphael caught him. “What kind of a vampire am I with a schedule like that? Can’t even get one thing right.”
“Simon,” Raphhael stopped him, turning so that they were face to face. “It doesn’t matter when you sleep. I like falling asleep with you breathing in my neck, I like you wrapping yourself around me, I like waking up with you at my side. But it’s not what makes you a vampire. It’s the community. The clan. The family. The way you are always there for any of the newly turned fledglings, with advice and reassurance. The way you try to make it better whenever one of us is in a bad mood. The way you always check the fridge so we wouldn’t run out of AB negative for Lily. The way you drag me to bed when I stay late with the reports and whatnot.”
“You are part of this family,” Raphael said, looking intensely into Simon’s eyes. “That can’t be taken from you. You can’t be taken from us. You are stuck with us,” Raphael smirked, “even if you sleep every night from now on.”
They looked at each other for a minute, before Simon hummed and slumped against Raphael.
“Let’s go, cariño,” he said softly, guiding them down the corridor.
“I feel like it’s getting worse, you know,” Simon slurred. “It’s strange. Sleeping at night again. I don’t- I can’t remember when was the last time I did that. Regu-, regularly.”
“Mhm,” Raphael answered as they turned around the corner leading to their suite.
“I mean, I slept as a human, sure. But I wasn’t falling asleep until after midnight.” Simon sighed, leaning heavily on Raphael’s shoulder as the man opened a door and led them inside. “I think it was middle school. When I was falling asleep that early. After that I used to go to bed closer to 4 am. Maybe 3. I’d wake up at midday. Later if that was a good day. Earlier, much earlier for morning classes. Who needs a lot of sleep anyway?”
“We all do, cariño.”
“Will you stay with me?”
“Sure.”
“Hmm,” Simon fell on the bed, tugging Raphael down. As they settled, he took one of Raphael’s hands, and rested it on top of his own head, giving it a squeeze.
“Do you want me to pet your hair, cariño?” Raphael laughed quietly.
“Uhuh.”
“Alright,” Raphael tucked Simon closer, his hand sliding through his curls, gently massaging his scalp.
“Sleep tight, mi amor.”
1 pm
“I’m not scared of ducks!”
“Oh yes, you are,” Izzy answered from her place next to the armchair, where she leaned against Clary’s legs, getting her hair braided.
“You so are, I don’t even know why you try to deny it,” Alec said grinning, his voice muffled from where his face was pressed in Magnus’ hair, both of them half-lying on the coach.
“Sure you wouldn’t get it, Mister I-don’t-fear-anything,” Jace grumbled.
“I fear a lot of things,” Alec answered, the teasing gone from his voice. “Just not ducks,” he smiled again.
“It’s such a random thing,” Simon said from where he was perched on the armrest. “Like did you go out on the street and ask yourself what am I going to be afraid of? Ducks? Peacocks? Cocks?” He smirked. “Was there a battle involved?”
“That’s a family tradition,” Magnus answered lazily from the couch. Jace glared at him and Simon overbalanced and fell down on the floor from the laughter.
“Not that I’m not happy to see you, Sherman,” Magnus looked amused as he started talking after the laughter finished, “but aren’t you supposed to see your dreams right now?”
“I am,” Simon answered, the careless look going from his face. “I just have… some problems with my sleep schedule right now.”
“Oh?”
“I sleep during the night now. I can’t even express how annoying it is! You would think there is no difference, but there so is! I can’t eat with my mates now, I miss all the clan’s inside jokes, and I can't very well work like this either! I can’t even fall asleep and wake up with my boyfriend, for fucks’s sake! I’m trying to go to bed later each night, but nothing works, I’m only falling asleep earlier every time.”
“You need to go backwards then,” Alec said, though it was not clear from his voice or his face what he meant or if it was a joke.
“Sorry?”
“If you can’t go to bed later each night until your sleep schedule is alright for vampire standards, then you need to fall asleep earlier each night until the same thing happens.”
Everyone was silent for a minute, until Magnus said, “I’m not sure that would be the healthiest decision, darling.”
“Might work though,” Alec shrugged.
“Yeah, but taking advice from people who thought 2 hours a night is a healthy night's sleep…”
“You know what? It actually might!”
“Sheldon…”
“No, yeah, Alec, you are a genius!” Simon smiled. “I see how you got that Institute of yours under your command now.”
“So you doubted me before this?” Alec grumbled, though a quirk of his lips somehow contradicted the impression.
Everyone laughed, and Simon just shrugged.
12 am
Raphael always loved night air.
Turning into a vampire took so much from him. The sun. His family. His humanity, in a way.
But it didn’t take this. He could still go out in the night, breathe the whole chest of air, even though he didn’t actually need to breathe, smell that amazing fusion of aromas of the night plants, warm and lingering trail of something fresh, not covered by the smells of people, traffic or hot soil, and in these moments Raphael would feel like nothing had changed.
“Do you think that vampirism takes some out of date nights?” Simon asked, as they were walking hand in hand through the park. Some called it a forest, for even though it was distinctly man-made, there were no benches, no paved paths, no streetlights. Just trees and bushes and grass. And the night air. And the stars.
“In what way?” Raphael asked, turning his head to look at him.
“I mean…” Simon looked ahead, gathering his thoughts. “When you think of a date, it’s usually the end of the day. I mean, you can go on a date whenever, but the stereotypical date night with candles and romance and ambient atmosphere and all that stuff, it’s, well, just that, a night. Or evening.”
“Yes, well, we are on a date at night now.”
“We are. What I am asking is, do you think what makes date night generally be considered as the most romantic is it’s atmosphere, or is it like, the anticipation, the awaiting all day,” Simon yawned, shaking his head slightly and returning to his previous line of thought, “the fact that everything is done for the day and no one will bother you for the rest of the night, and you can just spend all that time with no care in the world outside of the two of you?”
“I mean, outside from the fact that all this more or less romantic stuff is what people just decided one day-”
“Yeah,” Simon grinned, “romance is a social construct, and everything in the world is a social construct.”
“Yes, but not the point. Aside from that, I think both might be true. The atmosphere is one part of that, but going out at the end of the day and just after you woke up also feels different. I guess. It’s not like I have a lot of experience with human dating.”
“You don’t?” Simon looked inquisitively. “Oh, yeah, you don’t.”
“Turning at fifteen would do that to you,” Raphael shrugged. To tell the truth, he didn’t really think that much would have changed if he was turned a few years or even a decade later. He generally didn’t feel the urge to date. It happened just a couple of times during the last decades, and this courtship with Simon was by far the longest.
Though maybe not. Maybe he would have dated, were he not turned. Maybe he would have done that because that would have been his heart’s desire. Maybe he would have done that because he was a good son to his mother and a good Catholic boy. That might have been something he would have done out of duty, not out of want.
Raphael rarely could find something to be grateful for for his death. This was one of those things. He had time to reflect. Time to get to know himself.
The first years after turning Raphael didn’t think about love at all. He was a monster, that much was clear. He couldn’t go to the holy ground, couldn’t pronounce the name of God, couldn’t go see his mother. He had plenty of things to concentrate on.
But then he noticed something.
Not having a crush at fifteen was normal.
Never experiencing it by the time he was in his late twenties, whatever his body appeared, was not normal.
It all made sense, really. He was a monster, a beast, an abomination. The love of God was no longer for him. Love was no longer for him.
Monsters didn’t need tender touches. Didn’t need soft words. Didn’t need love.
Magnus gave him all of that, but it was not the same. He lost one parent, only to get another. Magnus nursed him as a fledgling vampire, convinced him there was still sense in fighting for his future, convinced him not to go out in the sun in the last heroic deed of his unlife.
He told Raphael he wasn’t a monster.
He believed it for some time, until he did not.
Because monsters were not capable of love. Same as he wasn’t.
Until he noticed something. He would have noticed it earlier, really, if he ever paid attention to this sort of thing. If he didn’t distance himself from his whole clan. Because if he let them get closer, he couldn’t very well believe they were monsters. But he certainly was. That wasn’t a contradiction he was willing to ponder on.
The smell lingered. He didn’t pay attention to this at first. But the smell lingered. Sophie’s on Dan. Julek’s on Yen. Ellis’ on Morgana and Percy.
Camille imprinted on a good dozen vampires.
That would have been alright. He wasn’t interested in sex as a teenager, neither he was as a thirty-something vampire. But everyone around him was somehow interested.
That would have been alright. Vampires were famous for their carnal pleasures. Raphael wasn't going to lower himself to that level.
But that led him to notice something else. The smell lingering, it was not always the heavy aroma of sated flesh, of the body liquids that were definitely not food , of sweat and arousal.
Sometimes it was something lighter, sweeter, fresher.
Sometimes what the other clan members exchanged were not hot gazes, but chaste kisses and light touches.
Marl and Dori’s wedding was his breaking point.
They loved each other. He could see it, could smell it, could almost feel it.
So if it was not being a vampire that made him a monster, then it was just him. Maybe he had always been a monster, and God just saw fit to give him its form too.
“You are not a monster, Raph,” Simon’s voice resounds in his head. Something none of his previous lovers managed to convince him of.
He found a label that fit him long before he met Simon. Magnus actually did, but that was not the point. He knew that part of himself, but it didn’t make any of this easier.
“Raph?” Simon said, and Raphael resurfaced from his memories, noticing that they came to a clearing now, and Simon looked at him amused. “I thought I lost you.”
“Yeah, I was just thinking of something.” Raphael smiled, tugging Simon closer, breathing into his neck as he felt hands wrapping around him.
“Something good?”
“Hmm.” He reveled in the feeling of the arms tight around his waist, his own smell mixing with Simon’s, the aromas of night, light and fresh, around them. He was not a monster, and he had everything his heart wished for just here. Leaving his life behind was difficult, but the unlife he got instead was something he was grateful for.
“Good.”