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The wind was quiet, the warm air was still up here. Wilbur doesn't think he likes that. He'd much rather have harsh winds and a chill in the air that kept him busy and distracted rather than having his thoughts continue to run around in his mind.
But it would have to work, for now, it's really the only place in Las Nevadas that provides a bit of privacy and isn't just a random alleyway.
Despite being banned, refused, locked out- any other phrases to say that he's not allowed here, in this country, Wilbur finds himself at the top of the needle tower, overlooking the land he's trespassing in.
Everywhere he looks there's not enough flash and shine that the country usually shows. Instead, nothing provides a distraction from how dull and still everything is.
So his thoughts take his attention, swarming him as he sits there wishing he wasn't.
Wilbur shakes his head for the umpteenth time, wrapping his arms around his legs that are curled up against his chest. He wishes these thoughts would just leave. Disappear, out of his mind and then maybe- maybe he'll be better.
'It wasn't my fault.' He tries to repeat the phrase in his head, hoping it will overcome the ones that tell him differently. 'I'm fine- I wouldn't cause that, not me.'
Thankfully, or maybe not thankfully, Wilbur hears the ping of an elevator finally bring him out of his head. But then Quackity walked out, preparing himself a cigarette.
Wilbur sniffs, straightening his posture from where he sits on the floor. Quackity takes notice of him immediately, face dropping as he sighs and shoves a lighter back into his pocket.
"Wilbur why the fuck are you here?" Quackity asks with a groan, crossing his arms and tilting his head. "I can't be bothered with this today."
It was now that Wilbur realized the thoughts weren't as loud anymore. Still there, definitely, but more so lingering in the back with a hum instead of consuming him. Wonderful.
So Wilbur rushes to his feet, dusting off his pants and blinking at Quackity, not actually having anything to say. "Uh, well, hello to you too."
Quackity, as expected, rolls his eyes.
"Wilbur, why are you here?"
Wilbur knows why. But he's not so sure about telling Quackity. Heck, he can't even tell himself, well, can't admit it. So he keeps silent.
"Say something or leave, either way, stop staring at me." Quackity tells him, walking past Wilbur out towards the rails. "We both know you aren't allowed here."
Wilbur swallows, turning around to see Quackity lean against the silver rails, remembering when he was standing there himself before he tore away and curled up against the nearest wall. Wilbur tries to hide a frown, but Quackity was looking at him, and he totally caught it.
But it remains silent between them, Wilbur's mind dancing around for an excuse that he could use when Quackity asks him why he was here for the third time.
Quackity shifts where he stands, uncrossing his arms, the movement quickly gaining Wilbur's attention. "You good?"
Wilbur shuts his mouth as soon as it opens. Quackity did not, in fact, ask him why he was here. So he nods, shoving his hands in his pocket. "Oh I'm great, love the view from up here and all."
Quackity simply nods, turning around for a second with a sigh. "Yea, the view's kind of nice."
Wilbur stalls. He didn't expect that- not quite. So he's hesitant as he joins Quackity, eyeing the man as thoughts trickle into his head. The same thoughts that led him here.
"Quackity, why are you here?"
Quackity scrunches his face and scoffs. "My county, my tower. I'm not banned from being here."
It's oddly warm and calm up here, and Quackity doesn't sound harsh. Or maybe Wilbur's mind is tricking him. Again.
"What about you?" Quackity asks him, and it sounds less like Wilbur's trespassing for reasons unknown and more like a simple question somebody would ask another somebody. As if Quackity didn't hate him. It's weird, Wilbur decides.
He wonders what the sudden change was, eyes looking Quackity up and down to find an answer. He doesn't find one, only the remembrance of different times. When it was normal for the two of them to sit side by side, chatting simply as two humans while they pressed against each other on cold nights.
Wilbur quickly realises how much he misses those nights. Just the two of them, under the stars, as they shared some warmth and words.
It puts a hole of sorts in his chest, one that he thought he'd gotten rid of after their first few interactions since revival. But here it is again, making him frown.
Times have changed, that's not who they are anymore. Wilbur's changed, he's not going to visit Las Nevadas anymore. At least, he thinks he won't. If his mind keeps up with its chanting messages that intrude on his brain. Then yea, he won't be visiting.
And Wilbur hates to admit how that makes him feel. But it makes him realise what he's here to do. So he says what he always says when anybody asks him why he's here, standing where they are.
"I was actually wanting to talk to you," Wilbur says. Originally, no, he did not want to talk to anybody at all. "I know how often you come up here."
Now that's true, he's almost always there too. But it's very different from nights in Pogtopia. Almost all of their conversations up here are less friendly and warm, more rude and burning.
So when Quackity cocks an eyebrow, humming thoughtfully before saying "Go on." Wilbur doesn't expect it to be as tame as it was.
"I know, ever since I've been back, people haven't seen me the same."
"No shit, they think you're a walking corpse. A corpse they know could be dangerous."
"They?"
Quackity huffs. "I think you're just an annoying guy who randomly shows up in my country despite not being welcomed in."
Sure, it was meant to be somewhat of an insult. But it's got Wilbur's chest twisting and churning in strange ways. Just some guy is well, just some guy. And Wilbur thinks he likes that.
"Thanks." He rasps, and it lacks the sarcastic tone it normally would on any other day. They both notice that much.
"For what?"
"For seeing me."
"Wilbur what?" Quackity's lost, fully facing the other now with a face full of confusion.
"Seeing me as a person, even if it's just some guy that gets on your nerves." He finishes, clarifying it for Quackity who bites his check, reason unknown to Wilbur as he gives a small smile. "Thanks for that."
Quackity's eyes look over Wilbur's expression carefully. Not too sure what to say. "Well... I- you're welcome?"
"But it's been very different with you." Wilbur switches back to where he started, Quackity's confusion ridden features turning into an attentive expression. "And I want to fix that-"
"Fix? What the fuck?" Quackity's of course, cutting him off. "Fix what? Wilbur, there's nothing that's going to make me let you in Las Nevadas. Not even us becoming friends."
"I don't want to join Las Nevadas," Wilbur says patiently. "After this, I'm not even going to visit."
"Bullshit."
"I'm serious."
"Then what do you want?"
"I don't want us to be like this anymore." Wilbur admits, and Quackity pauses at his tone, quickly meeting his gaze. "I don't hate you, Quackity. Never did. So I'm done acting like this."
Quackity shuts his mouth when he realises it's open, furrowing his brows as he scrambles for a response. "Well, I do hate you."
"That's ok."
"I hate you a whole fuckin' lot."
"I know... I know Quackity."
"Say something else."
Wilbur stops. "What?"
Quackity's not facing him, arms crossed and Wilbur can tell he's frowning. "Just- shit, say something else. Something different. Because I hate you, we both know that. You don't- you're lying."
"But I'm not lying, I'm being honest." Wilbur doesn't even think of it as he leans a bit closer to Quackity, lifting a hand to his shoulder and speaking quietly and directly into his ear. "I never hated you, Quackity. That's impossible for someone like me."
"Why the hell are you telling me this?"
Quackity doesn't meet his gaze. Wilbur doesn't look away. His face only softens as he frowns.
"This is the last time I'll be in Las Nevadas. I want to leave you with something other than all this stupid and negative shit between us. I want to give a goodbye that'll make you feel better."
"Last time huh?"
Wilbur nods. "I'm- I think I'm leaving."
"Leaving? Where?"
"Some place that's not here." Wilbur simply hums, squeezing Quackity's shoulder when he finally faces him. "So I want to apologise, leave off sweeter than the bitter start we had."
He leans closer, breath landing against Quackity's face warmly as he speaks gently. "I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry I let us become like this. Now, will you let me fix it?"
Wilbur didn't realise how Quackity had been stalling, hesitantly tripping and choosing his words. Something deep in his chest slowly builds up as he tries to keep it down. But Quackity finally breaks.
He tugs on the sides of Wilbur's trench coat and leans into him with a sharp inhale, burying his face in Wilbur's chest.
Wilbur's mind freezes. Quackity's hugging him.
But he's also crying, terribly keeping it in. And looking back to more than a few seconds earlier, he should've expected some sort of break in character.
So Wilbur whispers to him and hugs him back, feeling a lump in his throat grow and he has to blink for a moment.
"I-sorry." Quackity pulls away, reaching up to wipe a tear. Wilbur beats him to it, calloused fingers cuffing Quackity's cheek as a finger wipes his tears away. Quackity's eyes flutter, still, he leans in the slightest bit. "I don't actually- I don't hate you, Wilbur."
Wilbur's smooth touch falters for a second but he quickly recovers, tearing his hands away with a nod. "This- that's great. I needed to hear that."
"So I'm sorry too. I was a fucking jerk. You had just been revived but I still..."
"I know."
"I tried to ignore you."
"I know."
"I think I want this fixed too."
Wilbur gave a silly grin that lightened the mood slightly. "Good because I think we just did."
"Now-"
"Now I should probably go." Wilbur accidentally cut him off, eyes trained on the elevator door. "I'm so fucking thankful we got to talk. Now I can finally say goodbye. I'm moving elsewhere."
Yes, he's glad things are slightly better between him and Quackity. But the thoughts are too fucking loud. He can't talk with Quackity and ignore them, too hard. But what's easy? Listening to them.
Quackity tenses, glaring down at the floor. "Will..."
Wilbur tries his best to ignore how that made him feel, how it tugged on his mind and heart oddly. Gulping before stepping away.
"Goodbye, Quackity. You're an amazingly wonderful person, I'm really thankful we were able to meet. For now, I'll be off."
Wilbur turns around, hating how hoarse his voice sounded. He has to blink again. 'I'm sorry Quackity.'
He takes another painful step but a hand tugs on his wrist, making him still. His mind felt like it almost burst out at just that. But he tries to keep calm.
"Quackity I need to leave now." He mumbles to the man behind him. It doesn't feel warm and calm here anymore. It's dark, and he might be panicking. He needs to leave. He also needs his eyes to stop fucking watering.
"Where are you going?"
"I told you. I'm leaving."
"I'm not an idiot."
The hand tugs sharper when Wilbur tries to progress forward. Wilbur stops dead in his tracks, face plummeting as his heartbeat does just the opposite.
"Quackity-"
"Wilbur, you can't try and keep something like that away from me. I know what every word of that damn sentence means."
Wilbur opens his eyes, he doesn't even remember closing them. He takes a breath that's way shakier than he wants. "Really? Enlighten me."
Quackity tugs on his wrist for a third time, making Wilbur face him. Prime does he hate this.
"We both fucking know it. You're not moving elsewhere you're gonna go kill yourself."
His words pack a punch in Wilbur's chest, sucking the air out of him. He can't look at Quackity, tears threatening to spill as he tilts his head up high to the left. He wonders when his legs got this wobbly.
"So?" He chokes, no harshness in his tone despite how much he tried. Quackity scoffs. Wilbur doesn't like this.
"You can't do that."
"Since when?"
"Tommy needs you-"
"Tommy's been doing fine, he doesn't need me. Like you said, he was perfectly managing himself when I was gone."
"But he got you back, he wants that."
"I-" Wilbur pauses with a gulp. Fuck Quackity and his stupid words. "Stop talking about him and let me go."
"The server just got you back, you're not leaving it already."
"Why the fuck are you trying to stop me?" Wilbur asks with, finally, a harsh tone as he attempts to release himself out of Quackity's grip.
"I don't hate you or anything. Why would I let you?"
No response.
Wilbur's answer is late, breaking the silence as he glares at Quackity's hand. "Because I want it."
"Well, Tommy doesn't-"
"Stop fucking mentioning Tommy."
"What about Tubbo? I'm sure he'd be pretty damn unhappy to hear-"
"Tubbo will be fine. They both will." Wilbur hisses, trying to walk away with no success.
Quackity shakes his head. "That's what you think."
"What the fuck Quackity? Just let me do what I want. Let me fucking go." Wilbur raises his voice and Quackity almost lets go as Wilbur steps toward him, immediately backing up as much as he could and looking at the ground.
Even if his mind is full of loud, impulsive, harsh and dangerous thoughts, he can still easily notice Quackity's reaction. So he stops fighting against Quackity's grip and lowers his volume.
"I didn't ask for you to try and stop me. So please don't. I need to."
"Need to what? Take your own life. I'm not allowing that." Quackity regains himself, brows narrowing. Wilbur can't help but sigh.
"Tubbo and Tommy will be fine."
"Except they'll just be feeling like shit for a while. Especially Tommy. Prime knows what'll happen."
"They don't need me."
"They do."
Wilbur shakes his head furiously. "Not. Nobody here needs me. That's an overstatement, Big Q." He steps closer to the elevator, Quackity following along and still gripping his wrist. "So finally I can leave freely, nobody needs me."
"I do."
Dammit. Wilbur shouldn't have stopped at those two single words. But he did. And it shouldn't be this hard to not cry. But it was.
"Don't say that..." Wilbur whispers, throat tight and wishing he had just left when Quackity told him to because these damn thoughts were right. Wilbur shuts his eyes, hoping maybe this isn't happening. "Don't."
"Why? I do. That's not a lie, Wilbur."
"Drop your hand. It's getting dark so I should go."
"But then you'll leave."
"Yea." Wilbur hates how he croaked it, each word sounding like his voice is going to give up and he's gonna cry. Because he isn't. He's just upset Quackity's not letting him leave.
Quackity sniffs, making Wilbur open his eyes and turn to look at him. Quackity bites his cheek, eyes focused on the ground. "Then I don't want to let go. You can't- Wilbur you can't do that."
"But it's best-"
"No, it's not." Quackity denies, looking up at Wilbur who meets his eyes hesitantly. Wilbur really should go. Probably. But Quackity, of course, is holding him back. Maybe that's good- or just bad. Maybe.
"Not at all. I need you to stay here. I'm not letting you-"
"I think, Quackity you need to shut up." Wilbur's unsteady mumble ruins the tone of the message. Shit, so do the tears trickling down his skin. "Please."
"Say whatever you want to me, I don't care," Quackity says, stepping closer and tilting his head up. Wilbur has no other option but to ignore the twist in his stomach, it's for the best that he does anyway. "But I'm not fucking losing you again."
Wilbur feels like his breath has been knocked out of him again, knees weaker than ever. Because that's the first fucking time anybody has said something like that, and it was Quackity.
It was Quackity who was stopping him from taking his own damn life. As if he cared. Wilbur can't tell if he hates it or... if he's thankful. Possibly.
Wilbur also can't tell if that's Quackity's hand in his hair or his own. But then it tugs and he realises that's his own.
When did he get on the floor? Wilbur has no clue but he can't see fucking anything. He should've just stayed out of Las Nevadas. Now these stupid thoughts are yelling at him.
Wilbur's forehead presses against the cool floor, it's the only thing that's keeping him grounded but it's still so small. He wishes he had listened, walked out and never came back like Quackity used to ask him.
There's a hand on his shoulder, making him tense up. But at the same time, it appears to be helping as he can finally hear.
He can hear his own loud sobs, Prime he's embarrassing the shit out of himself. But he also hears quiet mumbles beside him, and they don't think it's embarrassing. Wilbur tries to focus on those.
Of course, it's Quackity, kneeling down and trying to calm him down. Of course, it's Quackity who is succeeding in doing such.
Wilbur looks up at Quackity, he's back- for the most part. His eyes are red and his cheeks are tear-stained. His throat hurts and he can't manage more than a mumble. "Is that true?"
Quackity's eyes widen slightly, sighing as he moves closer to Wilbur while nodding furiously. "Yes. Yes it's true. All of it, of course it is. I- you can't leave me again. I need you."
Wilbur bites down on his lip, eyes heavy as he stares at the ground. Quackity's arms swallow him with a strange warmth and his words leave a tingling sensation somewhere in his heart.
He's felt like this before, he has to admit. The pull in his chest that seems to lead him straight to Quackity. The times when the temperature of his cheeks seemed to rise when he was around Quackity. It's all been there, whether he was busy ignoring or stressing over it.
So he faces Quackity, broken down and open for him to look at. Judge and inspect, wonder what made Wilbur such an awful person. But Quackity doesn't. His face only softens, reaching a hand up slowly to wipe away one of Wilbur's tears. Just like he had done.
The simple gesture leaves Wilbur's lashes fluttering down and his chest buzzing. Something about it. Wilbur thinks he knows what.
"You know..." Wilbur has to live with how shaky and small his voice sounds, leaning into Quackity's touch and closing his eyes. "I- I think I need you too."
Wilbur's unsure of the silence that follows, so he looks up at Quackity. Lips parted with big caring and tired eyes, cheeks painted a nice pink.
Wilbur could feel the stutter of his heart, and to himself, he'll admit that Quackity looks gorgeous right now.
"So- would that mean...?"
Wilbur nods in return, answering Quackity's unfinished question. "I'll stay for you. You're right, I don't think I really want to leave."
"That's good- that's what I needed to hear," Quackity says, cracking a small smile before he hugs Wilbur tightly, crying a bit between relieved laughs.
"Quackity?"
He's nervous as Quackity leans back, gesturing for him to continue.
"I want- would you let me stay the night?"
"Like, with me?"
"With you."
Wilbur catches the way the pink on Quackity's face deepens slowly, making him not as nervous and slightly smirk at him.
"Yea, you can. I'd like that."
"You'd like it?" Wilbur asks teasingly, raising an eyebrow that Quackity scoffs at.
"I'd be okay with it."
"Real nice save."
"Thanks."
Wilbur chuckles, once again finding it too easy to look into Quackity's eyes. He knows what this is, he's been here before multiple times. But maybe this time is different. Maybe.
He wants to find out. But he doesn't want to ruin things for when he stays the night. Which is only just right now. Shit.
"Quackity?"
"Wilbur?"
His face feels like it's burning, looking up at Quackity. The man he's so thankful for. The one who stopped him from actually listening to those raging thoughts, the one who calmed him down and helped him out. Even if only for now.
Quackity's hands are on his shoulder, he realises and it makes him flustered. He thinks.
So he lifts a hand to cuff Quackity's cheek. There are no tears to wipe, they both notice. And when Quackity looks at Wilbur he's already looking right back.
He leans in slowly, waiting for Quackity to back out but he never does. So his eyes drop down to Quackity's lips, feeling the rise in his heartbeat. He can't help it.
So Wilbur cuts the space between them, kissing Quackity shyly like it's his first. He closes his eyes, feeling the way Quackity's hands freeze before they're rubbing his shoulders. He thinks he likes that.
But he knows he loves it when Quackity kisses back, slow and full of care and Wilbur wonders why he's never done this before.
They both breathe into the small space between them, for heads touching and Quackity starts giggling.
"Thanks, Wilbur Soot."
Wilbur scoffs, a smile on his face that finally feels real. "Anytime, you weirdo."
"Sure, call me weird. But we've got to head back now." Quackity says with a shrug, standing up and holding a hand out for Wilbur who takes it reluctantly.
"Thanks." Wilbur mumbles, head buried in Quackity's neck before he starts walking. "For that, for this."
"No need-"
"But there is. So thank you."
Quackity nods and the elevator door opens, Wilbur following Quackity the rest of the way.
And he feels better, the loud thoughts are mute now. He can't hear them. He's fine, even if only for now. But with the way Quackity's looking at him and the way their hands fit together, he thinks he'll be a bit better for a while.
So maybe he made a good call heading for Las Nevadas. No, more so definitely.
Wilbur smiles, closing the door as the night carries on outside. For now, it's just him and Quackity in the warm lighting of the indoors.
This will do. It's more than fine. Wilbur thinks it's wonderful. He'll be staying here for a while.