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The glaring light coming from the TV stings Hyunjin’s eyes as he tries to focus on the movie playing on the screen. His head’s been slipping where it’s leaned against the couch, his lower back already stiff from the hardwood floor hidden underneath the thin carpet he’s sitting on. He shifts for the hundredth time, trying to find some position in which his ass won’t get number than it already is but he knows it’s a lost cause. Playing rock-paper-scissors for a spot on the couch is so fucking childish, Hyunjin doesn’t even know why he agreed to it.
He extends his arm to grab the popcorn from Changbin’s lap, stretching all the way to the other side of the couch, but all he gets in return is a hissed out, Stop moving around, from Minho who’s sitting beside him.
Hyunjin gives up on the popcorn since Changbin is too far away anyway, but not before Minho decides to very politely push him away with his foot. Hyunjin rolls his eyes, even though Minho probably can’t see it in the dark, but he definitely knows the gesture is there. Hyunjin does it so much that it probably lost the desired effect of showing his displeasure, but Minho is an ass, he doesn’t care anyway.
Settling in his original position, he tries to pay attention to the movie again. It’s some action film Chan’s been raving about for the past who knows how long, but since he’s been too busy to go see it at the theater, he insisted they make a night out of it at home. They all agreed, too tired to go out this weekend, and Chan was also so earnest about it, that none of them could resist indulging him. So, Hyunjin met up with Felix and Jisung and now they’re here, in the apartment the other three share, and watching this movie Hyunjin only catches glimpses of before tuning out the rest.
He rubs a hand over his face, head lolling to the side in an attempt to use the couch cushions as impromptu pillows. His eyes fall closed, the dark of the room too enticing to fight against his own body dragging him down. The movie serves almost like background noise, seemingly more distant than it was just a second ago.
The promise of rest is tempting, even though he knows better than to fall asleep around Jisung. Especially when Minho is also present to goad him and provide him with brilliant ideas, each more ridiculous than the last. Hyunjin once woke up with his hair braided and his socks missing. He never saw those socks again and he has no idea which one of them knows how to braid hair, or whether they learned it for that specific opportunity to bewilder Hyunjin rather than annoy him. He was so confused he couldn’t even get mad that he had to wear his shoes barefoot on the way back to his dorm.
Today was a long day, though, even the threat of their stupid pranks isn’t enough to force Hyunjin’s mind into focus.
He spent the afternoon staring at a canvas and trying to force a stroke of inspiration to hit him, but in the end, all he got out of it was itchy eyes and some poor excuse for a sketch. Not his best work but he might be able to salvage it on Monday, once he gets some proper sleep.
His hand twitches when he feels fingers brushing through his hair, slowly combing the strands and carefully avoiding any tangles. The gentle movement that should be soothing only makes Hyunjin’s eyes snap open. He stares at the thigh resting next to his head, suddenly feeling trapped between the legs that are bracketing him from each side as Felix sits behind him on the couch. His heart speeds up unprompted, kicking behind his ribcage in a nervous rhythm that Hyunjin can feel resonating in his throat.
It’s so pathetic and unnecessary to make a big deal out of something so trivial—something Felix does so absentmindedly but Hyunjin’s brain runs on its own and his body apparently follows suit. He can’t help the way he shifts into the touch, how he awaits the slight tightening of Felix’s fingers when he realizes Hyunjin wants him to continue.
They’ve been different lately, he thinks fleetingly.
He wouldn’t call it distant since they’ve been spending even more time together than they ever did before. Before Felix started coming to his dorm between classes and leaving with his clothes rumpled and a dopey smile on his face, and before Hyunjin started religiously checking his phone so he doesn’t miss when Felix texts him, asking him to come over. Before all that, Hyunjin wouldn’t bat an eye at this… this what? Platonic gesture? Friendly intimacy? Whatever it is, it’s definitely not as dramatic as Hyunjin’s heart is trying to present it.
He shuts his eyes again, inhaling slowly to avoid any stutter in his breath that might be audible. The lull of sleep that’s been creeping up on him has completely dispersed by now, the only thing that remains is the sound of the TV booming in his ears and the bitterness in his chest that seems so ever-present lately.
He’s not sure what there is to be bitter about but Hyunjin somehow always finds a reason.
Whether it be the unfinished painting that’s been the only thing he can focus on for days now, or it’s thinking about yesterday when Felix put his clothes on too fast and left with a rushed See you later like he wasn’t moaning Hyunjin’s name just minutes before.
Or it’s Minho asking him if there’s something he wants to talk about like the answer might change if he just asks enough times. Hyunjin’s answer never changes, even when all he wants to do is push his feelings onto someone else, let them ponder over it so he could just stop thinking about it already.
He wishes it was that easy, but no—Hyunjin will find a reason to make himself feel bad if there’s no one who will do it for him.
He sighs, long and deep enough that he knows Felix must’ve heard it if he didn’t already feel Hyunjin’s body move with the breath. Hyunjin waits for one… two… three seconds before there’s a gentle tug on his hair, meant to lift his head up.
He does lean back even further, rolling his neck so that he can see Felix from this upside-down angle. Felix is looking at him silently, maybe a little pensive as his eyes trail over Hyunjin’s face like he’s trying to find the cause of that put-upon sigh.
Felix wouldn’t have to search for long if only he knew where to look. This craving for attention that’s been eating at Hyunjin for so long, clawing at his insides and fighting to reveal itself to the world. It feels so overwhelming at times, Hyunjin wonders how his skin isn’t already screaming with it. How is it, that no one can hear the sound of his body breaking the ground each time he falls deeper?
Like right now, as the white light of the TV illuminates Felix’s face, the shadows dancing over his skin and the freckles dotting his cheeks like ink haphazardly spattered onto paper. Ink is too dark to make these soft browns, he muses, so maybe melted chocolate. If Hyunjin focuses on the light as it shifts on Felix’s skin, then he can imagine it looks like moonlight. Like the night sky, when the weather is fair and there are no clouds to stop the stars from showing in clusters.
Hyunjin thinks of his unfinished painting, thinks of his vague assignment to paint something that would present contrast. Felix and this movie Hyunjin already forgot the name of. Lights on his face in the dark room. Sunshine and moonlight.
It’s too personal to use for an assignment, he thinks, too raw to put on a canvas. How is he going to explain it to his professor—the reason why he decided to spend hours of precious time drawing this specific boy for something that’s not even important enough to be graded.
He knows it’s because he wants to, he’s been wanting to paint Felix since they met, this isn’t some grand idea he just came up with. The assignment is an excuse and Hyunjin is very familiar with those. He’ll have to draw a sketch once he gets back to his dorm. He could finish the painting this week probably, if he doesn’t end up hating the idea in the morning.
Felix tilts his head to the side in question, a small smile pulling at his lips as he stares down at Hyunjin. His mouth stretches to mirror Felix’s, an automatic response no matter what turmoil he’s fighting in his mind. When Felix smiles other people follow. It’s a rule, Hyunjin didn’t make it up, it’s just another mystery of the universe he learned not to question.
The quiet response seems to be enough for Felix to continue his earlier movement, his fingers now slowly moving to squeeze at Hyunjin’s temples, relieving some of the tension that’s been building up throughout the day. Hyunjin’s eyes slip shut against his will as Felix massages his forehead, pressing right above his eyebrows where all the pain always seems to accumulate. Hyunjin thinks he might’ve told Felix that once, how his head always hurts in the same spot, and how the pain always disappears in the morning, if he gets enough sleep.
Judging by the focused care Felix gives to that one specific place, Hyunjin knows it’s not accidental. Felix remembers it, because of course he does. That thoughtfulness and the way he always listens to people when they speak, always remembers what others need so he can accommodate them, it’s one of the traits that make Hyunjin’s fall so endless.
If his feelings were stagnant, maybe he could learn to ignore them, but the tug on his heart that yanks him toward Felix is unavoidable.
He nuzzles his face against Felix’s thigh, hears a deep chuckle coming from above as Felix practically pets him on the hair. Hyunjin traces his lips over Felix’s sweatpants and bites him lightly through the clothes just to hear the chuckle turn into a muffled gasp. He tilts his head up again and the smile on Felix’s face is gone, his eyes sharp and dark, pinning Hyunjin to the spot with only one look. There’s a leash wrapped around Hyunjin’s neck and Felix doesn’t even know he’s holding the other end in his hand.
Hyunjin gets jostled to the side when Jisung yells out at some actor on the screen, pointing with his finger and urging him to look. Hyunijn indulges him, quickly realizing it’s the first time he’s seen this character who is apparently very important to the plot of the movie. He nods accordingly and Jisung quickly loses interest in Hyunjin when Chan joins in on the commentary. Hyunjin sinks against the couch again and realizes Felix’s hand slipped away when Jisung pushed him earlier.
He turns to glance at Felix and sees him holding his phone in both hands, the blue light glaring at his face. He’s typing a text, judging by the quick flicker of his fingers on the small screen. Hyunjin turns away when he sees a smile flit over Felix’s face right after his phone vibrates with a new message.
He instantly feels ridiculous. Felix could be texting his sister or his mom, for fuck’s sake. Anyone, a friend from high school or someone he shares a class with because unlike Hyunjin, Felix has a lot of friends outside this room. Hyunjin even met some of them, he knows Felix has a group chat with some people from his major, the texts could literally be from anyone and about anything.
Maybe that’s exactly what’s bothering him so much. That he knows it’s someone but he doesn’t know who, and Felix has a lot of friends but he’s also fucked a lot of people in the past, and how can Hyunjin convince himself it’s not one of them texting Felix to meet up again. He can’t, he can only listen to the phone vibrate, again and again, the low sound of it reverberating through Hyunjin’s skull, making him grit his teeth in annoyance.
The urge to rip Felix’s phone out of his hand is so hard to resist, Hyunjin has to fold his arms over his chest, has to physically hold himself so his body doesn’t move of its own accord.
It’s the part he hates about their friendship the most, the jealousy that creeps up on him when he doesn’t expect it, when there are no signs to point in the direction of it, so he would know how to avoid it. The feeling always catches him off guard, sits heavy in his stomach for hours after Felix leaves. Hours spent mulling over it in class, then later when he’s alone with his thoughts, replaying each time Felix smiled at someone else or spoke about something someone did that made him laugh that day.
Hyunjin hates it, hates to think how replaceable he actually is. He doesn’t give Felix anything he can’t find anywhere else, with anyone else. He can find someone to fuck wherever he goes. He does find someone to fuck often enough, regardless of where Hyunjin is at that moment. And fuck, he can’t even describe how much he hates that. The compulsive need to erase their every touch as soon as he has Felix naked and waiting for Hyunjin to mark him in a way none of them get a chance to.
The words always get stuck in Hyunjin’s throat so he tries to imprint them into Felix’s skin the only way he knows how.
You don’t need anyone else, his fingers say as they tangle in Felix’s hair.
Tell me I’m enough, his lips beg as they mark a path down Felix’s neck, biting just below where his shirt collar would be until the skin is spotted in red.
Be mine, his hands order as they leave imprints on Felix’s thighs, spreading them so Hyunjin can fit himself in between.
Felix never hears it. He never questions it either, just lets Hyunjin do what he wants, lets him renew the marks until they’re fully blooming again.
One night when Hyunjin was taking a shower in Felix’s dorm he caught him in front of the mirror, a towel wrapped around his waist and fingers tracing over the marks as if he’s counting them. Felix was so preoccupied with it he didn’t even notice when Hyunjin stepped out of the shower, not until he reached for his own towel that was lying on the counter next to Felix.
Hyunjin pretended he didn’t see anything—not the startled wide eyes that followed his every movement like Felix was caught doing something forbidden, or the glimpses of blushed cheeks he caught while he was trying to look anywhere besides at Felix’s eyes. Hyunjin vowed to forget that, deciding he can’t get his hopes up over something so minor, especially not when Felix was kissing someone else just hours ago.
Hyunjin was never good at doing what was right for his own heart, though.
He knows Felix likes him; they wouldn’t be friends if he didn’t. He also knows Felix likes this arrangement they have because it’s convenient, and he probably likes having sex with Hyunjin more than he does with anyone else. There would be no arrangement in the first place if that wasn’t true for the both of them. Hyunjin wishes that was enough, he wishes every day he didn’t crave for more than he was allowed to have.
He wishes he never agreed to this, that he realized how much it’s going to hurt in the future and put a stop to it before everything became so messy. But he was stupid, and he forgot how fickle his heart is and underestimated how easy it is to fall for Felix.
Now he’s in too deep. He can either ruin the friendship and end it without any particular explanation or he can take it… and take it… and hope for what, exactly? That Felix will magically decide he wants a relationship even though he never did before—and a relationship with Hyunjin at that. Why would he want that when this is so easy for him, when he doesn’t have to worry about the intricacies of relationships and still gets what he enjoys out of it.
Not everyone needs romance, not everyone wants to mix sex with love. Felix is one of those people, he can just work around it somehow, either separating his feelings from everything physical or he just simply doesn’t feel anything. Not for Hyunjin or not for anyone; the difference doesn’t really matter when Hyunjin himself is the exact opposite. That’s the only thing he learned from this; he falls too easily, and eventually, he’ll lose Felix because of it. Whether he’ll snap and spill all the words that have been clogging his airway or Felix will notice and ultimately be forced to turn him down gently. Either way, the outcome doesn’t change.
Hyunjin is sinking deeper than his legs can reach and the water is climbing way past his mouth and nose, already reaching the roots of his hair. He has no strength to swim to the shore without drowning in the waves.
Felix shifts behind him and Hyunjin’s eyes follow his leg as it moves next to his head. He sneaks a glance at Felix, still immersed in his phone, now looking more serious than before.
Look at me, Hyunjin’s heart screams, trapped inside his chest. Look only at me.
Felix glances at him then, probably realizing Hyunjin is already looking back and he smiles like it’s compulsory to smile every time they catch each other’s eyes. Hyunjin just wishes that smile could be reserved for him, something secret between them that isn’t just sex, that has nothing to with lust and boredom and convenience.
He wishes and wishes and that seems to be the only thing he’s capable of doing lately.
He’ll work on the painting tomorrow, he decides. Finish it by the end of the week and pour everything that’s left unsaid into it. Every trace of Felix that managed to creep between his ribs instead of staying on the outside where it’s manageable and less complicated.
Then he’ll try to adjust, try to bury the feelings into a canvas instead of burying them within himself. He doesn’t know if it’ll work but he’ll try, there’s nothing to do anymore except try.
Felix lifts his phone up again and Hyunjin wonders what would happen if he actually dared to grab it from his hands. He could make it into a joke, whisper, pay attention, and glance at the long-forgotten screen to emphasize. But Felix doesn’t seem to be typing any texts or really paying attention to his phone, more at what he can see through it. The camera is pointed directly at him, Hyunjin realizes, just as the glare of the flash hits his eyes as Felix takes a photo.
Everyone looks in their direction and Felix’s smile turns sheepish as he tries to slip his phone into his pocket discreetly. Hyunjin lifts an eyebrow in response, finding amusement in the way Felix fumbles through explaining that he was trying to take a picture of the TV for his Instagram story. The others don’t actually care beyond being startled by the flash but Hyunjin doesn’t miss the color that rises to Felix’s cheeks.
He smirks when Felix looks at him again, enjoying the fact he can barely hold eye contact without shifting on the couch, flustered by his own mistake. Hyunjin turns around to relieve him of the embarrassment but not before he grabs at one of Felix’s hands and places it back on his own head. Felix doesn’t really react except for continuing to trace his fingers through Hyunjin’s hair languidly and Hyunjin is glad he doesn’t have to speak.
This is all he needs. This is all he’s allowed to have and that’s fine. Hyunjin can deal with his feelings on his own, accept the fact that having Felix for himself just isn’t possible if he doesn’t speak up. And he doesn’t want to speak up, not yet at least, not until he knows there’s a chance waiting for him to take it.
And if there isn’t, then—then Hyunjin will just have to accept that not everything is reachable and there is no guarantee that the person he loves will fall in love with him, too.