Archive of Our Own

When Evan is in third grade he meets Sam and is instantly enamored. Sam is just so cool - he shows Evan new music with his Walkman, and lets Evan play his video games when he’s allowed to go over, and loves playing tag and capture the flag at recess. Evan thinks it’s nice to have a friend besides his sister.

When Evan is in fifth grade he meets Sara. Sara keeps her blonde hair short and plays soccer and likes all the same things that Evan and Sam like. She doesn’t even think it’s weird that Evan spends more time reading than he does watching TV like some of the other kids, so Evan doesn’t have to get embarrassed by explaining that his parents don’t really allow that kind of thing. She takes Evan exactly as he is and doesn’t ask any questions that make him uncomfortable.

Evan thinks he might be in love for the first time.

They stay close all through middle school. Evan starts playing football, Sam joins the concert band, and Sara keeps playing soccer. They hang out any chance they get and Evan gets a lot of rides home from Sara’s parents because football and soccer practice are usually around the same time. 

Sometime in eighth grade when Sam is talking about one of the flute players in the band, Evan admits that he’s had a crush on Sara for years. Sam gets excited, declaring them perfect for each other, and starts a scheme to get them together. He throws a small party at the end of the school year to celebrate their transition to high school and rigs a game of spin the bottle so Evan lands on Sara.

Evan’s first kiss is quick, a little awkward, and lights him up from the inside out. He can’t stop blushing and neither can Sara. After the party, when they’re waiting for Sara’s parents to pick them up, they giggle and stutter their way through deciding to become boyfriend/girlfriend in the way that only innocent fourteen-year-olds can.

Maddie comes home for the first time since moving to Boston for a few weeks over the summer and Evan excitedly tells her all about his new girlfriend. She smiles, but she looks tired and a little worn out. She tells him about nursing school, and about how Doug’s pre-med classes are going even though Buck really doesn’t care about Doug.

Evan also tells her all about Sam, and how cool it is that he’s learning to play a drum kit and how he’s going to join the marching band which means he’ll perform during the halftime at Evan’s football games. In the middle of a rant about how excited they are for all the new video game consoles coming out in the fall, and how Buck loves going to Sam’s so he can play them Maddie comments: “wow, you really like Sam, huh?”

Buck nods, not really sure why she’s asking since he’s told her about how Sam is his best friend before. 

When the school year starts it gets harder to keep up the friendships they created and Evan starts to feel a little lost. Things are good with Sara, they get to hold hands in the hall and go to the movies and make out in the back row and he starts spending more time at her house. But Sam starts dating Christy, one of the upperclassmen in the band, and he suddenly doesn’t have enough time for Evan anymore. 

Instead of calling Evan to play with his new Xbox 360 he calls the guys from the drumline. They’re always both at the football games, but when Evan tries to arrange for them to hang out after Sam already has plans with Christy and the rest of the marching band. Sara tells Evan not to worry about it, that it’s okay for them all to make more friends, but he still spends a lot of time trying to figure out why Sam doesn’t seem to want to be his friend anymore.

Over winter break Sara goes with her family to Colorado to go skiing and Evan is left by himself. He tries to see if Sam wants to hang out, but Sam only wants to hang out with Christy and Evan feels wildly jealous. 

At first he thinks he’s jealous because Sam is - was? - his friend, and he just wants to spend time with him, but then one night he sees pictures Christy puts up on MySpace of them at the Hershey Gardens, smiling and holding hands and kissing each other’s cheeks, and when Evan looks at Christy he thinks that should be me .

The thought nearly bowls him over. He spends the entire night staring at his ceiling and turning it over and over in his head. Does he like Sam? Sure, Sam is his best friend. But does he like Sam?

Buck didn’t think he was gay. He feels like he would have known by now. Besides, he and Sara have been getting more serious and he thinks - knows - that he’s in love with her. He’s attracted to her, wants to have sex with her - thinks he might get to, soon.

He thinks about his friendship with Sam, how they’ve been so close since the beginning. He thinks about how desperately he always wanted to be near Sam all the time until they met Sara and he had someone new to focus on. Was Sam his actual first crush?

The next night he sneaks down to the family computer room after his parents are asleep. He doesn’t really even know anything about being gay - he’s never met a gay person, that he knows of. His parents never talk about that kind of stuff. He’s barely allowed to watch TV or movies and he’s never seen one with a gay character.

His search history looks like this:

am i gay

how do i know if im gay

can you like both boys and girls

what is bisexual

He stumbles onto a LiveJournal page where someone has outlined a list of different terms for sexuality and what they mean. He spends over an hour reading through the comments, people talking about their experiences with figuring themselves out. Some of the comments are hateful, too, and use words like ‘faggot’ and ‘dyke’ that he’s heard guys on the football team throw around that he would never say himself.

Evan deletes all of the browsing history and sneaks back upstairs just before 5am. He thinks he feels a little better now that he knows that it’s possible to like both girls and boys and there’s even a term for it. There’s other people like him out there. He’s not alone, at least not in this. 

He still feels lonely, though.

When Sara returns just after Christmas but in time for New Years Evan is so excited to see her. His parents are actually allowing him to spend the night at her house on New Years, but he thinks that’s more so they don’t have to deal with him.

He kisses her at midnight and thinks it doesn’t even matter if I’m bisexual, this is the only place I want to be .

Disaster strikes in the spring. Christy breaks up with Sam just after Valentine’s day, and Sam doesn’t know what to do with himself. Suddenly he’s back in Evan’s life, calling and texting him all the time, asking to hang out.

Evan is just so excited to have his best friend back that he doesn’t even notice at first that he’s started neglecting Sara. Sometime in mid-March when Evan is once again asking if Sam can come with them to the movies on Friday she snaps at him.

“Sometimes I think you should just date Sam instead,” she huffs, crossing her arms and glaring at him.

Evan can feel himself blush the whole way to his ears and he immediately starts stuttering. Sara cocks her head to one side, studying him.

“Are you… are you dating Sam instead?” She asks quietly, and Evan flinches. He didn’t think it was that obvious, he didn’t really even think the crush was that bad anymore. Apparently it was, and it was noticeable.

“No! No, Sara, I love you, I would never do that to you,” he reaches out to try and take her hands and she steps further away from him, so he crosses his arms as well, feeling like he needs to protect himself.

“Right,” she nods but looks unconvinced, “but we haven’t hung out just the two of us since Sam and Christy broke up. I know he’s having a hard time but Evan, you’re my boyfriend. You do want to be my boyfriend, right?”

Evan looks away. He does, he’s wanted to be Sara’s boyfriend for as long as he could remember. There’s something in him that feels like he should tell her, though, about what he’s been thinking about and discovering about his sexuality when he can’t help himself and sneaks downstairs to read online forums in the middle of the night in an effort to better understand himself by hearing other people talk about their own journeys. 

“I think I’m bisexual,” he says it quietly - they may be standing in a relatively empty hallway near the school gym, but he doesn’t want anyone to overhear. “Actually, I know I’m bisexual. It doesn’t have to change anything, though. I still love you. You’re who I want to be with.”

Sara looks shocked and she just keeps nodding slowly, like she’s trying to process the information through her brain by movement. Evan doesn’t dare look straight at her, but he can see in his peripheral vision that she’s tearing up a little bit.

“Thank you for telling me,” her voice is watery and he can hear her swallow, “I’m sure that was…hard. I think maybe…I think maybe we would be better off as friends, right now. This is a lot, and I’ve been really upset the past couple weeks that it seems like you don’t want to spend time with me.”

Evan looks at her then, reaches out again, but she shakes her head and turns to start walking away with a soft bye, Evan .

Things start going downhill after that. Evan starts avoiding Sam because he doesn’t want Sam to find out that he has a crush, that he had anything to do with the end of his relationship with Sara. He starts hanging out more with the football team which starts getting him in trouble.

At the beginning of summer he gets a little drunk at a party and ends up losing his virginity to one of the cheerleaders in the bed of a truck - he doesn’t even know whose truck. He spends the rest of the summer sleeping his way through the rest of the cheerleading squad - his friends on the football team keep egging him on, calling him a ladies man, and he thinks to himself yeah, I could be that . He can be a ladies man, he doesn’t have to think about men ever again if he doesn’t want to - right? That’s the good thing about being attracted to both. 

The problem is, now that he knows and has recognized his attraction to men, he finds himself staring at the other guys on the team when they’re horsing around in the swimming pool or playing shirts vs skins flag football. He tries to ignore it, which just means he finds another girl to make out with - he never stays with the same girl for long. Somehow he’s charming enough that it doesn’t really reflect badly on him, people just say “oh, that’s just how Evan is.”

Maddie doesn’t come home, and he only manages to get her on the phone about every other time he calls. As far as he can tell their parents haven’t said anything to her about the way he’s been acting, so he doesn’t either. When she asks what happened with Sara he just says things weren’t working out, he started hanging out with some of the guys from the team and he’s making new friends. She doesn’t sound right - he can tell something is wrong, he thinks it might be Doug, but he’s too afraid to ask. 

Life continues that way through sophomore year. He plays football, they go to parties, he hooks up with a different girl every weekend. Sara and Sam both try to approach him when they first return to school in the fall but he blows them off - he doesn’t want to think about them. He can tell that it upsets them, but he doesn’t think he can deal with talking to them about what happened and what he’s been going through. The guys on the football team never question him about anything, never want to have any kind of deep conversation. He likes it better that way. It’s easier to hide.

Over the summer he breaks his arm car surfing, which was a stupid thing to do in hindsight but looked so cool . That’s what finally gets Maddie to come home - his parents call her when they get back from the hospital and the next day the Jeep is pulling into the driveway.

Maddie finds him in his room, trying to read a book when he can only keep it open with one hand. She closes the door softly behind her and sits at the end of his bed. She’s wearing long sleeves and a high neckline in the middle of summer, which he thinks is weird, but can’t ask about because she seems so sad when she looks at him.

“Evan,” she says softly, reaching out to mark his page and close his book, “talk to me. What’s going on? What’s wrong?”

He can feel himself tearing up already, he missed his sister so much , and he sniffles and looks away, out the window.

“Nothing, I was just being stupid. You know how I am.”

Maddie shakes her head and takes the hand that’s not in a cast, cradling it between hers, “No, you’re not. I know you’re not and you do too. So what is happening? I didn’t say anything when you started acting differently last summer because I thought you were just upset about Sara, but this is something else.”

Evan feels a tear slip down his cheek and he steals his hand back to wipe it away. 

“I fucked up, Maddie,” he looks down and starts picking at the cast on his arm, which no one has signed yet because none of his friends from the football team are really that close. They’ve texted to see how he’s doing, but no one has offered to come see him.

“That’s okay,” she lays a hand gently on his knee now, and he knows she’s trying to get him to look at her. “We all make mistakes. Can you tell me about it?”

He sniffles, trying to keep more tears from falling. He knows Maddie loves him no matter what, but he doesn’t want to burden her with his high school problems. 

“Evan…” she pleads softly, and he wipes his nose on his arm and looks out the window again.

“I, uh, I have something I think I need to tell you first.”

He sees her nod to go on out of the corner of his eyes, so he continues, “I realized I might be… I mean I am …bisexual.”

“Oh Evan ,” she breathes out, taking his hand again even though he’s sure it’s probably a little wet and snotty from rubbing his face, “thank you for telling me. You know I love you, right?”

He nods and finally looks back at her, smiling a little, “yeah, I know. I just… Sara and I broke up because I told her. She thought I had a crush on Sam. She told me we were better off as friends. I don’t think she’s told anyone, but…”

“I always wondered about Sam,” Maddie says, rubbing over his knuckles, “but you seemed so taken with Sara, too.”

“I was.” 

They’re silent for a moment, just sitting together. Evan wishes it could always be like this, that Maddie could come back and live with them again. It doesn’t seem like that’s going to happen, though.

“Is that why you’ve been acting out?” she finally asks.

Evan shrugs, looking away again, “The guys on the team, they don’t ask questions. They just want to have fun. I don’t want to think about anything that happened with Sara and Sam, so it’s easier to just hang out with them and go with the flow.”

He doesn’t mention all the girls. He doesn’t want to talk to his sister about his sex life…doesn’t want her to even know he has a sex life, because he knows she’d have an opinion and he doesn’t want to hear it.

“Listen… I can’t stay, I have a shift in the morning so I have to leave in a couple of hours to go back. But do you want to go to the diner? We can talk more.”

Evan sighs, he knew that Maddie coming home was too good to be true - knew she wouldn’t be able to stay. He goes with her anyway, though, and when she drops him back at home before she leaves for Boston she makes him pinky promise to take care of himself.

He can’t break a pinky promise, especially to his sister. His arm heals and he’s able to play football when they return to school in the fall, but he doesn’t hang out with the guys after the games any more and he dodges every flirty girl that comes his way. He makes tentative friends with the guy he’s paired up with on a chemistry project. His name is Tyler and he’s on the track team and he’s really cute, but Evan doesn’t think about that, of course. 

They start going for runs together in the morning before school, and they hang out sometimes on the weekend. Evan is still pretty reclusive - he doesn’t want to get in trouble again, doesn’t want to be tempted by anything. He goes to small hang-outs with the track team, though, and sometimes just he and Tyler get food together or play video games or go to the movies.

Evan isn’t exactly happy , but he’s not miserable. He likes having a friend, even if it’s a fairly superficial friendship. It’s definitely not like it used to be with Sam and Sara, but Buck doesn’t think he ever wants to go through that again. He couldn’t lose another friend he was that close with. They pass each other in the hall sometimes, and they wave, but it’s not the same. He doesn’t even know what he’d say to them now.

He’s at Tyler’s house the weekend before Thanksgiving when Tyler’s brother comes home from college for break and Evan thinks oh, I’m in trouble .

Luke is tall like his brother, but where Tyler is lithe with a runner’s body Luke is stacked . Evan knows he’s in good shape, needs to be for football, but Luke is huge. He’s got the same dark hair and dark eyes as Tyler but he also has a full beard that Evan kind of wants to rub his face on.

He also has a braided rainbow bracelet on his wrist, which Evan clocks immediately.

Luke throws himself down on the couch beside them and Evan can already feel himself blushing just from the proximity - and he smells so good . It’s been a long time since he’s allowed himself to think about men in any sort of serious way, but he’s definitely thinking about it now.

Luke joins them for a couple rounds of Mario Kart, and Evan eventually manages to calm down. He has a great night laughing at the stories the brothers tell about each other, and tries not to act too excited when Luke tells them about the party their LGBT alliance is putting together for right before break.

Tyler texts him when he gets home from dropping Evan off.

Tyler: hey, thnks for not being weird abt my brother

Evan: wht do u mean?

Tyler: him being gay

Tyler: not every1 is cool abt it

Evan: oh, yah np

Evan starts at the text thread for about twenty minutes debating if he should say anything else. Tyler would be cool about it, obviously. Or at least - he thinks. He knows some people think bi people are just slutty, or they’re gay and they don’t want to say it. Tyler doesn’t seem like that type of person, though.

Before he can talk himself out of it, he shuts his bedroom door and presses the call button.

“Hey man, what’s up? Did you forget something?”

Evan breathes in, then out, a little shakily. He pauses for a moment and then says, “Actually, I wanted to tell you something.”

“Yeah sure! What’s up?”

Evan moves to the side of his room the furthest away from his door and faces the wall - he doesn’t think his parents are listening, or that they could hear him that well if they tried, but he doesn’t want to take any chances.

“I’m, uh…well, you see…hm.” He’s struggling to get the words out.

“Is this about you having a crush on my brother?”

Evan thunks his head against the wall, “Was I that obvious?”

Tyler laughs, “I didn’t want to assume so I didn’t say anything, you just seemed a little flustered.”

Evan clears his throat, nodding even though Tyler can’t see him, “Uh, thanks. And uh… I’m not…gay. I’m bisexual. Just wanted to…make that distinction, I guess.”

Tyler hums at him, and Evan continues, “And I’m not out. I told my sister, and my ex-girlfriend, and now…you, I guess.”

“Thank you for telling me, and I promise not to tell anyone else…and hey, cheer up. Luke told me he thinks you’re cute.”

He thunks his head against the wall again, but he’s laughing this time.

Evan doesn’t see Luke again until their break between Christmas and New Years. Tyler invites him over to go sledding on the hill behind his house and Buck doesn’t even put it together that Luke would be home too. When he walks in and Luke is in the living room watching TV in a ratty cut-off tank top and basketball shorts, Buck immediately starts feeling like it’s a little too warm in the house.

He should probably go find Tyler, but instead he says a soft hey to Luke and sits down on the opposite end of the couch from him.

“What are you watching?”

Evan doesn’t recognize it, but then again, there are very few movies or TV shows that he does recognize.

“Zombieland,” Luke answers, shooting him a smile, “came out this fall. I used to watch Cheers reruns with my parents when I was younger and I’ve always kinda had a crush on Woody Harrelson.” 

Evan doesn’t know what Cheers is and only vaguely recognizes the name Woody Harrelson, but he nods just the same. He thinks he’s blushing a little and hopes it isn’t noticeable, he’s just never really heard someone talk so openly about same-sex attraction in real life.

Tyler finds him then, smirking at him a little before suggesting they go suit up for the cold. Buck doesn’t actually own any clothes for playing in the snow, so he has to borrow some pants and gloves from Tyler, but his hat and his boots should do just fine.

They play in the snow for hours, sled riding and making snowmen and snow angels and throwing snowballs at each other. Evan can’t remember having this much fun since he stopped hanging out with Sam and Sara, and he’s glad he’s found a friend in Tyler.

Ever since he came out to Tyler a month ago they’ve gotten closer - he still doesn’t really talk about what happened with Sara, or the year he spent fucking anyone he could get to lie down, or anything about his parents and Maddie. He feels like he could, though, and that’s what’s important.

When they tumble back into the house, faces red from the cold and hat hair as they shed all their layers, Luke calls them into the kitchen. He and Tyler’s mom made them hot chocolate on the stove and Evan didn’t even realize that was a thing parents did for their kids. 

Luke pours him a cup and puts some marshmallows into it before he hands it over, smiling softly. Evan is glad his face was already pretty red or else he knows Luke would be able to tell how much he’s blushing.

Tyler tells him to ask his parents if he can stay over so they can play Call of Duty, and Evan knows they’ll say yes because they don’t actually care that much where he is and he’s pretty sure Tyler has caught on to that, but he appreciates it anyway.

They fall asleep in the basement sometime after two am, but Evan wakes up around four needing to pee. He tries to be as quiet as possible when he goes upstairs to use the bathroom before he realizes someone else is also awake.

Luke is still in the living room, but the TV is on silent and it looks like he’s - drawing? Tyler mentioned he was going to college to become an art teacher.

Evan uses the restroom and then can’t resist stopping to say a very quiet hello before he makes to go back downstairs, but Luke gestures for him to sit down so he does so carefully on the other end of the couch while Luke sets his sketchbook on the coffee table and turns to face him.

“I wanted to tell you - I’m sure Tyler is a good friend because he’s a good brother, but if you ever had anything you needed to talk about I would listen.”

He’s speaking in a hushed voice and looking at Evan very seriously with those big brown eyes and Evan knows that Luke isn’t seeing him as just one of his little brother’s friends, he’s seeing him as a whole person. It’s a little scary to think about.

“Did Tyler say…?” Evan is panicked for a moment, because Tyler said he wouldn’t tell anyone, but Luke shakes his head so quickly that it eases his nerves.

“No. Evan, he didn’t have to. It’s called gaydar.” Luke is grinning at him then, his eyes sparkling, and Evan blushes but still laughs - well, really he giggles, but he would never admit that.

“I’m not out,” he says quietly, “not really. I’ve told a few people, but… I’ve never even kissed a guy, what if I’m wrong? What if I say something and the guys on the team don’t want to be around me anymore?”

Luke nods, looks away at the TV like he’s thinking.

“I was out, in high school. I came out sophomore year. It was…rough. People definitely had their opinions. Thankfully I look scary enough that no one ever tried to be violent towards me, but words hurt just as much. I spent a lot of time hiding in the art room because I knew Mrs. Anderson would back me up if anything happened. I had to report a few people and they didn’t really even get in trouble. I lost a lot of friends.”

He looks back at Evan then, “College changed a lot of things for me. I’ve only been out of highschool seven months, but I feel like a completely different person. It’s a different world. I think things are going to start changing, with Obama being elected and all, but even if the world doesn’t change you can change your world. Getting out of Hershey was one of the best things I ever did for myself. I know there’s still time left for you, but it does get better.”

Evan nods, looking at Luke and then looking away and looking back again. He can’t decide where to settle his gaze, isn’t sure what to do about the level of vulnerability Luke is showing him.

“I could help you with the other thing, though, if you want,” Luke says and Evan is immediately completely focused on him again. Does Luke mean what he thinks he means?

“Um???”

Luke smiles at him, and it’s so genuine and beautiful that it makes Evan’s heart skip a beat.

“You can say no. I don’t have any expectations for you, Evan. You can go back to bed right now. Honestly, you don’t ever have to speak to me again if you don’t want to - I understand that everything can be overwhelming, sometimes it’s easier to not think about it at all. But I do think you’re really cute.”

Evan is gaping at him a little and has to force himself to snap his mouth shut from where it was hanging open. Luke is just sitting quietly, one arm draped across the back of the couch, posture open and waiting.

He’s not sure what it is - the time of night, the soft glow of the television in the dark, the way they’ve been talking so seriously in such quiet voices. Evan feels like he’s in a liminal space, like anything could happen here. This couch in this room feels so disconnected from the outside world, from all his worries and woes. He has the opportunity now, he should take it.

He crawls slowly across the couch until he’s sitting next to Luke and turns to face him. Luke takes the hand that’s draped on the back of the couch and brings it to Evan’s face, cupping his cheek. They’re staring at each other, and Evan can feel his breathing pick up a little and his heart start beating faster because Luke is so gorgeous and so nice and he’s treating him so well - all those girls he had, he never felt like this. Even with Sara. There’s a spark here he’s never felt before.

Luke looks down to his lips and back up, running his fingers through his hair to scratch lightly at the back of his neck. Evan feels like he’s melting, a little bit. The spark has ignited and it’s taking over his entire body. Either he’s just been having really bad sexual encounters - very likely - or he’s found his soulmate or something ridiculous and something special will happen when they finally kiss like in some of those stories he pretends he doesn’t read online sometimes.

Luke leans a little closer and he smells so good Evan wants to roll in it a little bit, steal a t-shirt and take it home with him. He can feel their breaths co-mingling and Luke’s eyes are searching his and then looking back at his lips and Evan honestly feels like he’s going to lose his entire mind if he doesn’t get kissed soon.

“You sure?” Luke speaks so softly but it still feels so loud , and Evan is sure the world has stopped outside of this moment. He nods a little and is almost embarrassed by how whiney the yes, please he lets out is, but then he can’t think of anything else because he’s being kissed.

He’s being kissed, and the spark in his body turns into a raging fire. Luke kisses him softly, at first, bringing his other hand up to cup Evan’s other cheek and then he’s using that leverage to change the angle a little, pull Evan a little closer, and Evan isn’t sure he’s going to survive this encounter.

Luke’s lips aren’t all that soft - in fact they’re a little chapped, and his beard is scratching lightly against Evan’s face and it all just serves to remind him that he’s kissing a man and he’s honestly never been more turned on in his entire life. Getting up to leave is going to be awkward and uncomfortable, but he isn’t thinking about that now because Luke is slipping his tongue out and running it lightly against Evan’s lips and Evan immediately opens to him, letting out a tiny little whine that he’ll deny later but makes Luke pull at his hair where he’s cupping his head.

He doesn’t know how they got there, but his hands are gripping Luke’s shoulders, those big fucking shoulders , and feeling the muscle under his hands is making his head spin. He wants to bite them, and the thought makes his dick twitch in his shorts, but Luke is doing something with his tongue that makes him feel like his spine in melting and he’s not thinking about Luke’s shoulders or his beard or the way he’s a fucking fantastic kisser anymore because he’s too busy trying to crawl into Luke’s lap.

Luke pulls away then, albeit reluctantly and he bites softly at Evan’s lower lip which really makes him whine this time. He stops Evan from crawling the whole way into his lap, putting some space between them but still holding Evan’s head.

He has to blink a couple of times, bring himself back to reality. He’s still got a grip on Luke’s shirt that he loosens, and when he catches Luke’s eyes they’re dark with desire.

“Why’d you stop?”

Luke smiles at him, and his lips are red and swollen, and Evan just wants to kiss him again immediately.

“I don’t want you to do something you’ll regret later. I’ve had friends tell me stories… I just don’t want to take advantage of you.”

Evan would very much like to be taken advantage of, and he’s still got the boner to prove it.

“So? What’s the verdict?”

“Definitely bisexual,” Evan says with a grin.

It’s like a switch is flipped and all the emotion in Luke’s eyes shutters closed. He pulls back, and they’re still sitting close, but they’re not touching anymore.

“Bisexual?” he asks, raising an eyebrow.

Evan isn’t quite sure what’s going on, the change in demeanor like a bucket of ice water on his head.

“Yeah, I mean…that’s what we’ve been talking about?”

Luke crosses his arms, looking away and chewing on his lip for a moment, “No. You never said - I thought you were gay?”

“I told Tyler. I mean, it doesn’t really matter, right? I’m into men.” Evan shrugs, and Luke tilts his head at him.

“You sure are,” he says, shooting a glance at Evan’s lap where despite the awkward turn of events he’s still sporting a half-chub.

“It’s just. I need you to know. That’s going to be hard for you.”

Evan scoffs a little, “Harder than being gay would?”

Luke is serious when he nods, “Yes. Every person you date is going to be worried that you’ll leave them for someone of the opposite gender to them. Everyone you tell is going to think you just want to sleep around. People will pity you, thinking that you’re just too scared to say you’re gay outright.”

It’s a little like a slap in the face. Just moments ago he was getting the best kiss of his life, and now Evan is pretty sure Luke won’t ever speak to him again after this night because what - he’s biphobic? Everyone else he’s told has been mostly okay when he said it, are they thinking the same things and just afraid to say it to his face?

He doesn’t know what to do. They’re just sitting there in silence again, staring at each other. Evan is pretty sure the sun is going to be up soon and he suddenly feels exhausted.

“Um, okay. So… I’m just gonna…go back to bed, then,” he says quietly, because running is the only thing he can think of - he can’t sit here and keep talking to Luke when the man basically slapped him across the face after being so sweet.

Luke just hums and turns to grab his sketchbook and pencil off the table again. Apparently he won’t even be saying goodbye.

Evan sneaks back to the basement, and when Tyler drives him home in the morning they don’t speak at all. He’s not sure what he’d say - ‘ Hey, I was totally ready to let your brother fuck me in the ass on your living room couch but then I found out he’s actually a bigot ’? He figures it’s better to not say anything.

In fact, he holes up in his room for the last few days of break and doesn’t say anything to anyone . He keeps fucking things up, somehow, so it’s better that he just be alone.

Tyler finds him at his locker first thing in the morning when they start back to school. He looks miserable.

“I am so fucking sorry, man. I had no idea Luke was like that - that he could be like that.”

Evan shuts his lockers and looks around the hall. There’s still people milling about, wasting time before home room, but they’re not paying attention to them. He lowers his voice a little anyway.

“He told you?”

Tyler rubs his eyes, leaning heavy on the locker he’s standing in front of, “I mean, I don’t know exactly what happened, but yeah, I can guess. Before he left he told me to give you his number when you figured out you’re ‘gay for real’.”

Evan bites his lip, looks away. That almost hurts more than hearing it firsthand from Luke.

“That’s fucking bullshit. I can’t fucking believe he’d be that way about someone in his own community! Like - it’s just -”

Tyler can’t even finish his sentence, just shakes his head. Evan appreciates the rage on his behalf, but he’s just so damn tired of things always ending badly for him that he can’t muster any himself.

“Yeah. I mean… I knew some people were like that. I just didn’t expect it. He was being so…sweet, and caring up until then. It doesn’t matter now anyway, he’s at college again and I’m here in fucking Hershey goddamn PA where I’m never going to tell another soul about it. Things are easier that way.”

Tyler looks sad at his statement but doesn’t say anything else, just follows Evan to their first class.

In February Evan finally gets his license - having an August birthday means he’s always the last to do anything - and his parents buy him a car. They mostly do it out of obligation, since they bought Maddie the Jeep they feel they should do the same for Evan, he’s just glad he doesn’t need to hitch rides from people anymore and he’s not stuck in his house.

He still hangs out with Tyler, just avoids his house when he knows Luke will be home for any reason, and he starts hanging out with the guys from the football team again. The first time he shows up at a party the room breaks out with boisterous yells of “YEAAAH BUCKLEY! BUCKLEY’S HERE EVERYONE! YO, WHAT THE FUCK IS UP MAN?!”

Evan isn’t really sure how the guys from the team ended up here - they’re in a housing development in a town half an hour outside Hershey, and he doesn’t know any of these people. They have an enormous pool with a waterslide in the backyard and the house is huge and lavish. He’s not really a stranger to money - he’s parents are very well off, he knows that - but he heard someone say this place has eleven bathrooms. Who needs that many bathrooms?

Tim, their varsity quarterback, vaults off the lawn chair where Evan was pretty sure he was making out with one of the freshman cheerleaders to tackle him in a hug.

“Yo, it’s been so long! We missed you, man, you’re the life of the party!”

Evan hugs him back, gives him a manly back slap so they make sure it’s not too homoerotic. 

“Where are we, man?” he asks, searching over the yard to see how many people he actually recognizes. There are plenty of guys from the team, plenty of cheerleaders too, and he recognizes some of the guys and girls from the other sports teams. Over in the corner of the yard he’s pretty sure he sees Peter, the guy who always gets the leads in the musicals, selling pot to a group of girls who are giggling so much they definitely don’t need it.

“We’re in Meadowview!”

Evan laughs, pokes Tim in the ribs, “Yeah, I saw the sign, but who invited us?”

“Oh!” Tim turns, searches the yard, finally pointing to a girl climbing up the stairs to the water slide, “So, that chick’s name is Vanessa, and she goes to Mechanicsburg, right? She’s dating Zach, the one with the ‘ch’ not the ‘k’ that’s on the wrestling team. I don’t know how they met, but I think they’ve been together like, forever. Anyway, this is like, her aunt’s house or something, but her aunt is in Italy right now. It’s fucking wild, right? So much better than drinking in the woods!”

Evan nods, watching Vanessa go down the slide and land in a big splash.

“The drinks are inside, you need to go get one man! We gotta get Party Guy Buckley up in here!”

Evan is smart enough not to drive home drunk, but he’s sure that a house with eleven bathrooms will have somewhere for him to sleep, so he finds his way to the sliding glass door on the patio through the throng of people and makes his way to the kitchen.

He’s pulling a Miller Lite out of one of the many coolers that are packed on the kitchen island when he hears someone say his name. 

It’s Sam, and sure, he passes Sam in the halls and sees him in the stands at games, but they haven’t had any classes together in years and he hasn’t had to look at Sam up close. He’s as cute as he always was, but his jawline is starting to get sharper and he has a new haircut that looks great on him. He’s only wearing a pair of swim trunks, and where he used to be a skinny little string bean he’s packed on muscle. Sam is hot now. Apparently marching band has done him well.

Evan tries to pull his thoughts together and not let his eyes wander below Sam’s collar bones when he stutters out a “yeah, hey, that’s me!”

Sam glances at the Miller Lite in his hand and shakes his head, taking it from Evan and putting it back on the counter and mumbling “definitely fucking not” before he grabs Evan’s arm and drags him away from the kitchen, around a corner and down the stairs to a huge finished basement with a giant leather couch, massive big screen TV, and even a pool table.

Sam ducks into a door - Jesus, there are tons of rooms in this basement, how big is this place? - and Evan finds himself in a bedroom where a group of people he vaguely recognizes from the marching band are sitting in a circle on a king-sized bed playing what looks to be a game of poker. Some have more clothes on than others and his brain supplies strip poker .

Sam goes to a corner and pulls a Yuengling out of a cooler, handing it over, “I know we haven’t talked in forever, but I’m not letting you drink fucking Miller Lite.”

“Uh, thanks, man,” Evan scratches the back of his neck, not sure what to do now. They stand there awkwardly for a few seconds and he needs to say something, so he goes with: “How did you get here?”

Sam pops the top off his own beer, taking a drink before answering and he of course knew what Evan meant even if he didn’t clarify.

“So, you know Vanessa, right?”

Evan makes a ‘sort of’ gesture with his hand, because he is aware of Vanessa now but wouldn’t say he knows her.

“Right, same. So, Vanessa’s cousin - not the aunt’s daughter, the other side - is Joey’s boyfriend.”

Evan feels like the world stops for a moment because he’s standing in the basement at some party that he’s not even really sure he should be at, talking to his former best friend and, in hindsight, first crush, and said former best friend/crush is talking about a gay couple so nonchalantly. Like it’s not a big deal at all.

Which, it shouldn’t be, but Evan was pretty sure there weren’t any more gay - or bi - kids at their school. He would know, right? But then again…there’s over a thousand kids at their school. He definitely doesn’t know them all.

“Joey?” he asks, trying to sound normal, because he has no idea who that is but apparently they go to his school and are out enough that no one in this room seems surprised to hear Sam say he has a boyfriend.

“Yeah, the drum major? Really tall dude with the long hair?” 

Evan can picture him, now, directing the band while they’re playing in the stands. 

“I didn’t know he was…uh…”

Sam narrows his eyes at him, “Is that a problem ?”

“No! No! No, definitely not, it’s not at all, I just didn’t…know.”

Sam tilts his head at him for a moment and then just shrugs, “You only hang out with the football team. They only talk to the gay kids when they’re bullying them, and I know you don’t do that.”

Gay kids? As in plural, as in a group? And the guys on the team - they know? Evan isn’t surprised about the bullying, and it makes him cringe, but he’s never heard anyone talking shit in the locker room.

Maybe he didn’t want to hear. Could he have had other friends like himself if he’d just been paying more attention, wasn’t so wrapped up in himself and his own problems?

His world starts spinning again when Sam grabs two more beers out of the cooler and says, “Hey, come with me.”

Evan follows, because of course he does, and they go back up the stairs and take another turn into another hallway - he has no idea where he is - and Sam ducks into what looks like a study. There are bookshelves stacked full along both walls, a huge mahogany desk with a fancy looking computer on it, and leather armchairs to sit in.

Sam sits down, so he does too, and when he finishes his beer Sam hands him another one.

They sit and look at each other for a moment, sipping quietly, and Evan has never been a lightweight but he hasn’t drank in months so he’s definitely a little tipsy as he gets halfway through his second.

“Can I ask you a question?” 

Evan nods, and Sam studies him for a moment before he says “What happened?”

“What, uh…what do you mean?” Evan scratches the back of his head, looks away. 

“You know what I mean. With Sara, and then…then you stopped talking to me, too, and you basically disappeared. That really fucking sucked, man.”

Evan coughs, taking another gulp of his beer - it’s almost gone - and sits for a moment, trying to decide how he wants to answer.

It sounds like Sam could handle the truth - he was so nonchalant about Joey so he clearly doesn’t have a problem with gay people. Luke flashes into his brain for a moment, remembering how much that acceptance and then immediate rejection had hurt, but Evan has known Sam a long time and doesn’t feel like Sam would be like that. So - the reason for the break up is easy to explain.

He doesn’t know how to explain what happened after, though, because he’s still not even sure how it all happened himself - it just went downhill quickly. One minute he's starting high school with his best friend and his girlfriend, the next he’s having a sexuality crisis that lead to a long period of very questionable hookups followed by reclusion that he only pulled himself out of because some stupid older douche hurt his feelings.

He finishes the second beer and sets the empty bottle on the table. 

“Did Sara tell you anything?”

Sam shakes his head, “She kept telling me to talk to you, but you would never talk to me. Eventually I stopped trying.”

Evan nods, looks down at his hands, “I don’t really know how to…start. I guess, um, remember when Christy broke up with you?”

Sam nods at him to go on, so he does, “Well, Sara and I had a fight because I was hanging out with you instead of her. She said I should just be your boyfriend instead.”

Sam chuckles, like he’s imagining it, and Evan has to take a deep breath before he starts talking again.

“So, uh…I told her that, um, that I’m bisexual. That I…had figured that out and I thought she needed to know, but I still wanted to be with her.”

“She thought you had a crush on me,” Sam says, raising his eyebrows.

“Right. Because I did.”

Evan is looking right at Sam when he says it because he needs to see the reaction, needs to know if he should get up and flee the room or if he’s safe to stay here and keep talking. Sam’s face doesn’t really change, he just grins at him.

“Well I am incredibly cute, so I could understand how you’d have a crush on me.”

He laughs, and it feels a little wet and he realizes he’s teared up a little. He wipes at his eyes, looking away from Sam now. 

“I didn’t know how to tell you. I didn’t know how you’d take it. Sara…didn’t take it well. I was so scared, it was so much easier to just…lose myself in hanging out with the guys and convince myself that since I still liked girls that I could live a normal life.”

“I’m sorry that you didn’t feel like you could talk to me. I mean, I know what you’ve been up to, the girls in the flute section know everything about everyone. I can’t help but think I could have…helped you, somehow. That things could have been different.” 

Evan is crying a little, again, and Sam hands him a tissue he magicked up from somewhere. He blows his nose and balls it up, sticks it in the empty beer bottle.

“It is how it is.” he finally says.

“It doesn’t have to be,” Sam tells him softly, catching his eye, “We could be friends again, Evan. I can introduce you to some people. You don’t have to be alone.”

He considers it, for a moment. It would be so nice to meet other people like himself, to have people to talk to about all the tangled emotions in his head when he thinks about his sexuality. Someone to share experiences with - maybe even a cute boy.

The team would find out though, he knows they would, and Evan knows the only way he’s getting into college is on a football scholarship. He just doesn’t have the grades to get in on merit alone, and he also knows that even if he did his parents would pay for everything and he’d feel indebted to them in some way.

He only has another year here. He doesn’t want to disrupt his entire life when he’s so close to getting out.

“Thank you, Sam. I appreciate it. But I just don’t think I’m ready.”

Sam gives him a sad smile, nods, “Yeah. Hey, man, that’s okay. You gotta go at your own pace, right? Call me sometime though, yeah? My number hasn’t changed.”

With that, Sam leaves Evan in the study to sit with his own thoughts.

To his complete shock Maddie shows up one day in late spring. He hasn’t heard from her a lot - he’s tried, tried keeping her updated on how he’s doing, telling her about how things are with mom and dad (the same, still awful), asking her how she’s doing. It’s hard to get her to answer texts and even more impossible to get her on the phone, and when he does, she never gives any real information about how she’s doing.

She gathers them all in the living room to announce that she and Doug are getting married, and shows them her shiny new engagement ring.

“Doug couldn’t even bother to come with you and tell us himself?” Evan asks, and he knows he sounds snotty, but he really hates Doug. He knows he’s not good enough for his sister, even if he is going to be some fancy surgeon.

“You know he’s busy, Evan,” Maddie’s eyes are tired and she looks far sadder than someone should when talking about their engagement, “Becoming a doctor is hard work.”

Their parents still haven’t said anything, and when Maddie turns to them, they look at each other for a moment before Margaret simply states, “We will not be attending. This is a huge mistake, Maddie, and we don’t condone it. Doug is not the right man for you.”

Instead of staying they both get up immediately and leave, like that’s the end of the conversation. Maddie watches them go sadly but she doesn’t look surprised. 

“I’ll go, Mads,” Evan reaches out and takes her hand, “I’ll be there for sure, just tell me when.”

They get married that summer in Boston, and Evan drives out there by himself. He doesn’t really recognize anyone at the wedding - maybe a few cousins, but he’s pretty sure most of these people are Doug’s family and friends. He walks his sister down the aisle and manages to keep himself from stepping on Doug’s foot on purpose or worse - like punching the guy.

He can’t stay for the entire reception because he has to get up early to drive back. Football camp starts Monday, and he can’t miss it.

Kissing Maddie on the cheek, he hugs her goodbye as tight as he can and whispers “I’ll always be here if you need me” before retiring to his hotel room.

Maddie is on his mind a lot through the rest of the summer but he doesn’t hear from her much. He goes to football camp, goes to the gym, goes to parties, goes on random rides that take him nowhere but still calm him down. Tyler is still his best friend, but they avoid his house because Luke is home for the summer. Evan even considers getting a job in a serious moment of boredom and then decides against it - it’s his last summer here, he should enjoy it, right?

The problem is, he isn’t enjoying himself. He’s going through the motions - keep in shape for football, get drunk with the guys from the team, kiss the pretty girl at the party making eyes at him. He hasn’t had sex with anyone yet but he’s sure he’s going to make one mistake and end up sleeping with anything that moves again - he always fucks something up.

Sam texts him, sometimes, and Evan always texts him back but turns down all his invitations to hang out. Until he doesn’t. Until one day Sam calls and says “hey, I ran into Sara and we were talking - would you maybe be up for hanging out? The three of us? It’s almost our senior year, it would be nice to get the band back together.”

He’s sure it’s going to be so awkward, but he can’t resist the thought of being with his first two best friends again. Maybe they can still fix it - maybe they can learn to be friends again, these new versions of themselves that they’ve become. Evan knows how much he’s changed, he’s sure they have as well, but maybe the magic is still there.

He meets them at a diner and the silence is deafening at first. They’re all sitting looking studiously at their menus like they’ll be tested on it later and not even glancing at each other. The waitress takes their order, takes the menus away, and then they all sit and look back and forth between the three of them.

“This is so stupid,” Sara finally says, rolling her eyes, “We were friends for years, we don’t need to act like complete strangers.”

Just like Sam has grown up and filled out, Sara has too. She’s taller obviously but nowhere near as tall as Evan, she has more curves on her figure but he can see that she stays in shape too - her thighs might be as big as his, and he thinks she must work out because soccer couldn’t do all that . Her hair is still short, but not as short as it used to be - she keeps it chin length now, and she has part of it pulled up in a small bun on top of her head. She’s still just as cute as she was when she was fourteen and he thought he was madly in love with her, but there’s maturity to her now as well.

“Right. Um…how’s Maddie?” Sam gestures to him, and Evan understands why he thought that would be a safe topic - they both know how much he loves his sister. There’s no way they could possibly know that Evan thinks there’s something terribly wrong with her relationship. Evan hasn’t said that to anyone, not even Maddie.

“She’s still in Boston,” he starts, picking up his straw wrapper and starting to fold it like a little accordion so he has something to do with his hands. “She, uh, she’s a full time nurse now and she loves it. She got married over the summer actually, to Doug… I don’t know if you guys remember Doug? But, um, he’s going to be a surgeon so they’ll work in the same hospital and everything.”

“Oh, congrats!” Sara is smiling at him, and he forces himself to smile back. 

“How is your sister?” He changes the subject and hopes it’s not too noticeable how uncomfortable he is talking about Maddie.

“She’s good! She starts at the high school this year and she thinks it’s so cool that her older sister will be there too… I don’t know how I feel about that, so I guess we’ll see.” Sara pulls out her phone to show him a picture of her and her little sister, who he remembers as a kid who wouldn’t leave them alone when they wanted to make out in Sara’s room but is now a teenager with braces and a big smile to show them off. 

“My non-existent siblings are great,” Sam jokes, and it makes them all chuckle.

Lunch gets easier after that. It’s not hard to catch each other up on their lives - Evan knows that Sam and Sara kept somewhat in touch for a while, but it seems that even they drifted apart. Sam talks about how he’ll be drum major this year, how he’s excited but a little apprehensive at having so much responsibility on his shoulders. He wants to go to college for music composition, and while he is applying at Berklee he’s content with the fact that he’ll probably end up at Penn State Main.

Sara talks about the soccer team, how the girls have really become like a family to her, how much she looks up to the coach. Almost every story she tells features a girl named Dani and something about it tugs on Evan’s mind. She doesn’t know what she wants to study, but she’s settled on Pitt. Their soccer team isn’t great, but Dani is going there as well so she can have a roommate she already knows and it’s far enough away that her parents can’t visit her whenever they want.

Evan hasn’t put that much thought into college aside from thinking about a football scholarship - the knowledge that he really should start thinking about, should have probably been thinking about it gives him anxiety. When they ask about his plans he says he’s just going to wait and see what the recruiters who come to the games say, because he doesn’t have much else to offer.

They trade stories and it’s almost like it was before. Evan gets teased about all the girls he’s gone through, and Sam teases Sara about how she hasn’t dated anyone since.

“Still hung up on Buckley?” He grins and bumps his shoulder into her, and she rolls her eyes and shoves him back, but there’s something about the look on her face that’s bothering Evan. She couldn’t possibly still want him, could she?

“What about you?” Sara retorts, poking Sam in the cheek, “You’ve had quite a few girlfriends as well, if I can recall.”

Sam laughs and shrugs, “That’s just how marching band is. Everyone dates each other until you run out of prospects, then you go after the choir kids.”

“Not dating anyone now, though, Evan?” Sara asks, and he hates that the conversation has turned back to him, back to this particular topic. He doesn’t think Sam told Sara that he knows Evan is bisexual, and he’s sure Sara hasn’t said anything to Sam. He scratches the back of his head and shrugs.

“Uh, no. I think… I think I just wanna get through this year, graduate, maybe see what’s out there after high school, you know?”

Sara nods and there’s an understanding there, like she has a shared experience with him somehow, but he can’t figure out what it would be.

Their food arrives and he once again gets teased that he still eats like it’s his last meal. “I can’t believe no one has taught you manners in the last three years,” Sara says. He can’t help it - he’s a growing boy, after all. 

Lunch ends up being a success. As they walk back to their cars Sara suggests they should do this again, and they all agree. It was definitely nice to be with his friends again.

The school year starts and everyone immediately becomes busy with their own activities but they still try to keep in touch through texting and phone calls. Evan isn’t the captain of the football team, which he’s honestly grateful for, but he is still on varsity and has to work hard if he wants any chance of being picked up by a recruiter. The team is doing really well this year and he thinks he has a decent chance.

He helps Tyler with all of his college applications and essays, because he’s knee-deep in the shit if he wants to prove to his parents he’s just as smart as his brother. Evan didn’t really think the competition between them was that serious, but he’s seeing a whole new side of Tyler - his friend who is usually laid back and easy going is now pacing around his room muttering about how he can go to a school just as good as Ithaca. Evan doesn’t really know that much about any of that, but he wants to be supportive while he can.

Sam meets a girl from Lower Dauphin and is immediately completely in love. Evan still hasn’t had the chance to meet her, but every time he talks to Sam every other word is “Ashley”. Evan can’t imagine meeting someone and getting so attached in senior year when they’ll be going away to college in the fall, but he also can’t imagine anyone wanting to be that attached to him. Other people have good relationships, he doesn’t.

It’s almost the exact same with Sara - all she talks about is how annoying it is having to wait for Sadie to be ready in the morning so she can drive them both to school now that they’re in the same place, and Dani. Evan still hasn’t met Dani yet either, and he’s glad Sara has found such a good friend, but it still bugs him a little. He would consider Tyler to be his best friend and they’re nowhere near up each other’s asses to the level that Sara and Dani are.

The fall rushes by fast, with football and everyone worried about their college applications. They don’t win the championship, but they do go to the playoffs. A recruiter from IUP approaches him and he’s already convinced to take his offer before the pitch is even over - it’ll be so much farther away from Maddie, but it will also be farther away from his parents.

Winter break comes and goes without much fuss. His friends are still waiting on their acceptance letters, and he doesn’t envy them at all.

They all have their answers by the end of January, and Evan has never seen as much emotion from Tyler as when he opened his letter from Cornell. He’s jumping up and down, hugging Evan, waving it in the air.

“Isn’t this in the same place as your brother’s school?” Evan asks, confused - he’s pretty sure Tyler had mentioned that when filling out the applications.

“It doesn’t matter, I’m just as good as he is!”

Evan still isn’t quite sure he gets it - he can’t believe he didn’t know they had such a competitive relationship until now - but his friend is happy and so is he.

Sam doesn’t get into Berklee, but he didn’t expect to, and he’s happy to be going to Penn State. Apparently Ashley is going there as well.

The problem happens with Sara. She gets into Pitt, but Dani doesn’t, and they don’t have any other schools in common. Evan doesn’t understand the big deal at first, but then Sara calls him and asks him to come over. It sounds like she’s been crying and Evan still remembers the way to her house so he’s in the car as soon as they hang up.

When he gets there Sadie opens the door and just tells him to go upstairs, so he finds his way up to Sara’s bedroom and knocks softly before going in.

She’s curled up on her bed amid used tissues. She looks so small there and he sits tentatively at the end of the bed, not quite sure what she wants him to do - surely he isn’t really the person she’d want to call first in a crisis?

She smiles at him, a little watery, and reaches out so he takes her hand.

“There’s something I want to tell you.” Her voice is quiet and she sounds congested, probably from the crying. 

“Yeah, of course. Anything.”

She nods, grips his hand a little harder, and looks away. “I’m sorry for how I treated you when you came out to me. I could have handled that better.”

He shrugs, “It’s okay. It’s a long time ago.”

“I was so mad at you, and I wasn’t sure why for a long time.” She looks back at him then. “Then I met Dani.”

Evan is confused - he’s not sure what Dani has to do with him being bisexual. Is Dani bisexual? Is that what Sara means?

“I didn’t really understand what was happening, at first. I just wanted to be with her all the time. She was all I cared about, all I wanted was for her to be happy.”

Oh , Evan thinks. It’s starting to make sense.

“She kissed me last year, after the last game. I was shocked, but it felt so right. I had never even thought I was anything other than straight and it turned my whole world upside down. I started to look back on so many things in a different light. I thought about our relationship, and how it was always…fine, to kiss you. I enjoyed it. But kissing Dani was like going from black and white to technicolor. And I was so mad at you, when you came out to me, and I think it was because in some ways you were okay enough with that part of yourself to at least tell someone else and I was still repressing it. I didn’t even know I was doing it.”

They sit quietly for a moment. He’s still holding her hand, and she sniffles a little bit and gets out another tissue to hold to her nose.

“Thank you for telling me,” he says after a while. “I know how hard that can be.”

“I just don’t want to go to college in the fall without her. And we haven’t told anyone… I don’t think my parents will care, but her parents are super religious. If she comes out they’ll cut her off and she won’t be able to pay for college by herself. I don’t have anyone to talk to about it. I’m just a mess.”

Evan pulls her to him and wraps her up in his arms, and she fits just as well as she always did. He rubs her back as she cries and he doesn’t say anything because he doesn’t know what to say.

Sara tells him all about Dani, and some of it is stories he’s heard but it feels different with the context. In turn tells her all about Luke, about that moment where he felt so amazing only for it to crash and burn. They talk about the girls, too - how he just wanted someone to pay attention to him, to at least act like they cared even if it was only for the length of a hook up. He even talks about how scared he is that he’ll never find someone to love him the way he wants, that he’s destined to be alone.

Sara’s mom pokes her head in when it’s getting late to tell him to go home. Evan departs with a kiss to Sara’s cheek, hoping he was a comfort to her in some way.

Spring semester seems to fly by after that. He and Sara are closer than they’ve ever been, confiding in each other about anything and everything. He finally meets Dani and she’s just as great as Sara makes her out to be and he can tell how much she cares for his friend.

When it comes time for prom they arrange it so that he takes Sara and Tyler takes Dani. Neither of them are ready to even be out at school yet, but this way they can still attend prom together. The four of them plus Sam and Ashley have an absolute blast. Instead of going to a party they go back to Tyler’s house and play video games and watch movies on the big screen in the basement, and for the first time in a while Evan doesn’t think about Luke at all while he’s there.

He’s going to miss this when they all leave. He’s glad he has this group of friends, but he’s not going to kid himself into thinking they’ll be hanging out again after the summer. Tyler is going to New York, Sam and Ashley are going to State College, Evan is going to Indiana and Sara is staying here and taking a gap year while Dani starts classes at the Penn State campus in Harrisburg.

Everyone is scattering, and he just tries to enjoy these last few months they have together. Everything will change in the fall - a new town, new friends, new classes. Maybe he’ll meet someone. Maybe he won’t, maybe he’ll go back to meaningless hookups. Maybe he’ll be celibate - though he doubts that one.

On the last day of school Sara steals his yearbook and tells him to go away while she signs it. She brings it back to him with a secret smile, and he opens up to read it as soon as she walks away.

To my “first love”:

Evan, I am so glad we were able to reconnect this year. I treasure our friendship so much. Thank you for being there for me when I needed someone, for helping me so much these last few months.

We started school thinking we were going to be together forever, but it seems we were both a bit confused. ;) I’m happy to still have you in my life, though. Don’t be a stranger.

Love always,
Sara

Evan grins as he reads it. There are still a couple of months left to spend with his friends, he’s going to have to make them count.

Beyond that, the future is laid out and waiting for him to step through the door to the rest of his life. For the first time in a long time he’s excited to see what happens when he gets to the other side.