Chapter Text
This was madness. To put it plainly Remus Lupin had lost his mind. He had thought he might have when Dumbledore and Moody had arrived to tell him of the Potter’s death, of Sirius’ betrayal and Peter’s sacrifice. But now he was proving it. His mind, once bordering on brilliant, had up and left him and here he was - stood outside of Number 4 Privet Drive contemplating the conflicting merits of staying or running for his life in the opposite direction.
The frilly net curtain he had been staring at absentmindedly twitched. They were home. Worse than that, they were looking out at him. He fiddled with the loose cuff of his jumper. It was his best jumper, but after 2 years without James’ regular stipend paying for his rent, it didn’t mean much. The cotton was threadbare and there was a hole growing in size at his elbow. A loose thread tickled the inside of his wrist. He had always had the air of scruffiness about him, it had come free of charge with the second-hand clothes his mother used to pick out at random from the Oxfam shelves, but his latest stint of unemployment was taking it to new levels. Clothes were not it had be said, one of Remus’ main priorities when he hadn’t been unable to pay for hot water for weeks now.
Which is what made this, him standing there, utter madness. Remus had heard only the very brief snippets of what Lily’s family was like over the years, but he was sure that he was the kind of person that would make Petunia Dursley come over in a cold sweat.
He should just press the doorbell, get it over with.
The little piece of pristine plastic screwed tightly into the door frame seemed to taunt him as he raised his hand…and then promptly lowered it again.
He couldn’t do it.
The last 2 years he had been focusing all his efforts on accepting that his friends, the ones he still counted as friends, were dead and were truly never coming back. He’d been doing remarkably well. He had stopped thinking “I should tell James that” or “Wormy would like that.”. He no longer found himself penning letters to dead friends or having the mad desire to pop over to Godrics Hollow to see Lily.
But despite all this, seeing Lily and James’ son with someone else, being raised by someone else, seemed like several steps too far. If he didn’t see it then there was still the chance, in the most optimistic corners of his mind, that little Harry was being raised by his parents exactly as he should be. Rather than delegated to an uncomfortable corner of suburbia with his muggle relatives.
Remus sighed and pushed the doorbell with a shaking finger.
You’re Lily and James’ friend, you’ve come to see Harry. He told himself. You’re Lily and James’ friend you’ve come to Harry. You’re Lily and James’ –
The door swung open, revealing a woman holding a toddler who was licking jam off sticky fingers. The words died before he could even speak.
You’re Lily and James’ friend, you’ve come to see Harry. You’re Lily and James-
But this child could not be Harry. For a start he was peering curiously up at Remus through watery blue eyes and the hair on his head was not James’ messy black hair but smooth and thin and blond. He was also, and Remus thought this should have been the biggest giveaway, white.
The words came back to Remus in an instant rush of relief. “I’mLilyandJames’friendI’vecometoseeHarry.”
The woman, Petunia, only blinked at him. “What?” She snapped waspishly.
“Sorry I -.” Remus couldn’t remember the last time he had been quite this nervous. “I’m Remus – Remus Lupin. I am – I was James and Lily’s friend.”
It was perhaps lucky that Remus had not been expecting any fanfare following this announcement, for the look Petunia fixed him with now was Antarctic in its coldness.
“I’m – I wondered if – I wanted to see Harry.”
At the sound of Harry’s name, the boy in Petunia’s arms burst into tears, wiggling against his mother’s grip.
“You can’t see him.” Petunia told him curtly over the wailing of the boy.
“Please. It won’t be for long. I brought – I brought something for his birthday that’s all.” Remus fished into the bag he had thrown over his shoulder and pulled out an immaculately wrapped present. He had saved for weeks to purchase the teddy bear for Harry, had made a bow tie from one of Lily’s old dresses himself, replaced the pads of his paws part of James’ old quidditch jumper.
“You can’t see him.” She said again as though Remus had not spoken.
Remus had just tucked the bear back into his bag, his shoulders hunched in resignation, when a small head, black haired and emerald eyed, wedged itself between Petunia’s leg and the door.
“Harry, go back inside.” Petunia snapped, trying to push the boy out of the way with her leg. But Harry’s curiosity was clearly a more powerful pull than Petunia’s words as he ducked the incoming swipe of Petunia’s leg and stared up at Remus.
The breath caught in Remus’ throat. His eyes were exactly the same shape and colour as Lily’s had been, his little face could have been straight from the photos of baby James he had seen covering the walls of the Potters grand manor house. Lily and James’ son in every conceivable way.
“Hello Harry.” He said softly.
“Hello!” Harry replied enthusiastically. He gave Remus a little wave with a podgy hand.
“Harry. Get. Inside.” Petunia all but growled. She pulled the boy back with the collar of the baggy t-shirt he wore. Harry’s eyes widened at the same time Remus’ did.
“I want to see!” The boy choked out. With one final shove from Petunia, the little boy was sprawled across the carpet where he promptly burst into tears.
The door closed so suddenly Remus barely had the time to think before he stuck his foot in way. It crashed into the side of his foot hard as it bounced back open.
“Well I’ve seen him now.” Remus said pleasantly, as though he couldn’t hear his own heartbeat roaring in his ears. “Can I talk to him?”
It was clear that Petunia wanted to argue, but as the screaming child in her arms reached a volume previously unheard by Remus, she seemed like she couldn’t be bothered. There was bitter resentment and resignation in the look she fixed Remus with.
“5 minutes. I don’t want the neighbours seeing you.” Then she turned on her heel, stepped over the softly sobbing Harry, and wandered into the kitchen. “It’s okay dinky Dudders. Mummy’s here.”
Suddenly alone with a small crying toddler, Remus realised that he hadn’t quite thought this far ahead. In all his imaginings of this scenario, it had been Petunia who explained to Harry exactly who he was, not himself. What did you say to a three-year-old anyway?
“Hello Harry.” Remus squatted down. “Um…Can you sit up for me little mate?”
Obediently, Harry pushed himself into a sitting position. Wiping his eyes with the palms of his hands, he blinked owlishly at Remus.
“I’m Remus, Harry.” His mouth felt incredibly dry. It was an introduction that should have been unnecessary. Had Lily and James lived there would be no doubt in Harry’s mind exactly who Remus was and how long he had been around for.
“I’m Harry.”
Remus chuckled. “I know you are. I used to be a friend of your mummy and daddy.”
Remus found his eyes drawn to the scar that zig zagged down his forehead like tiny forks of lightning. Dumbledore had told him about it gravely, the Wizarding world at large knew of its presence, but seeing it in person had made Remus’ stomach turn over. It seemed incomprehensible to Remus that this scar was the only tangible thing Harry had from his life with James and Lily. A jagged scar down his forehead that may, or may not, fade with time. Just as the memories of James and Lily would inevitably fade. The scar from a spell that had cut Harry’s head as surely as it had severed his family.
“My mummy and daddy are dead.” Harry said abruptly. Remus couldn’t fault him on the facts, but the tactless words thrown by the toddler had stabbed at his heart all the same.
“Yes. They are. I’m very sorry.” It was inadequate, but Harry neither noticed nor cared. “Do you know what I also know?”
“Wha’?”
“I know that it was a certain little boys’ birthday a few weeks ago.” Remus grinned
“It was!”
“And I’ve missed your last 3 birthdays! I’ve been very busy.” Harry was looking at him in rapt attention. Hey, Remus wasn’t half bad at this! “But…” He fished in his bag and pulled out the wrapped teddy bear. “I got you a birthday present.” Harry took the offered gift with so much enthusiasm that his little fingers nearly went straight through the paper.
“It’s for me?” Harry asked, in sheer disbelief.
“It’s for you.” Remus smiled.
“Not for Dudley?”
“Not… for Dudley no. It’s yours Harry” Something scratched the back of Remus’ brain unpleasantly. Something wasn’t right. The small boy hugged the wrapped present to his chest. “You can unwrap it. I promise it’s better to hug that way.”
And he reached out and ripped a tiny corner of the paper. Harry gasped.
“Go on.” Remus encouraged gently. “You do the rest.”
And Harry did. His hesitation was gone now as he grasped a wad of paper in his hands and ripped. The teddy bear went tumbling to the floor and was quickly snatched up again by Harry.
“It’s a bear!”
“It is. And you see their little bow tie?” Harry nodded seriously. “Well, that was your mummy’s dress. And those little bits on his paws were your daddy’s jumper. So… So they’ll always be with you.”
The bear didn’t move from Harry’s arms until Petunia came back precisely 5 minutes later to shoo him from her doorstep.
“Can I visit him again? Maybe take him out for the day or…or something.” The voice died a premature death in his throat as Petunia allowed her eyes to take in the shabby jumper he was wearing. Though she chose to hold her tongue, Remus heard her loud and clear.
“No. I don’t think so.” She sniffed.
“Right… right.” Not entirely unexpected.
Dudley chose that moment to toddle up close to Harry, his watery eyes fixed on the teddy bear in Harry’s arms.
“Mine!” Dudley yelled and he grabbed the teddy bear and attempted to wrench it free of Harry’s grasp. But Harry was quicker. He grabbed the teddy with both hands and pulled. Remus felt the inevitable rip of fabric as keenly as if they had been tearing at him. Fluff burst from the teddy’s seams, the bow tie came undone, and the bears head wobbled precariously in its best impression of Nearly Headless Nick.
Dudley burst into tears. Harry did not.
“Give Dudley his teddy back.” Petunia demanded.
“Its mine!”
“I- I gave that to Harry.” Remus said softly.
“Don’t be selfish Harry. Let Dudley play with it.” Petunia continued as though she had not heard Remus.
Harry had taken a deep breath, though Remus could see tears burning quite plainly in the tiny boy’s eyes and his cheeks were red, then with an almighty SMASH the mirror on the opposite side of the hallway shattered into tiny pieces. Before the glass had even hit the floor, the door slammed hard in Remus’ face.
Through the front door, Remus could hear Harry wailing and Dudley screaming. Petunia was shouting something at, Remus presumed, Harry that was unintelligible over the din of the 2 boys. The only word he could make out was a barked command:
“Cupboard! Now!”
“I can fix the mirror.” Remus called through the door. “And the bear.”
But no one responded.
Eventually, heart feeling heavier than it had in months, Remus pulled his muggle jacket further around himself, shouldered his bag, and left.
The feeling that something wasn’t right in that house stuck with Remus over the next few weeks. He’d find himself pacing the tiny room that passed for his flat for hours relaying everything that had happened at Privet Drive. Harry’s wide, fearful eyes as Petunia had barked commands at him, the way Dudley had snatched at Harry’s teddy bear, Harry’s lose fitting clothes. The Dursley’s weren’t, so far as Remus knew, hard done by. In fact, if Vernon Dursley’s pristine car that sat in the driveway was anything to go by, they were fairly well off. Well off enough to provide a toddler with clothes that actually fit him…
It was when his pacing turned to action, however, that Remus decided he truly had lost his mind. He found himself waiting on the corner of Privet Drive, disillusioned and stock still to avoid any unwanted attention, as he watched Petunia Dursley go about her day. It was surely a crime, he thought as he backed further into the hedge he was peering out from, and no doubt creepy as hell. If Petunia caught him and took him to the Police … well, he wouldn’t have a leg to stand on.
He watched how Petunia fussed over Dudley as they walked to the shops, holding his hand tightly and leaving poor Harry to toddle along behind them as he struggled to keep up. He was there when Dudley had shoved half a chocolate bar into his mouth at once just to spite Harry who stood beside him empty handed. Vernon had laughed, Remus had fumed. Remus had even been there when a woman who bore a striking resemblance to Vernon Dursley, arrived with a large dog in toe. Even from the safe distance of his bush 4 doors down, Remus could see Harry’s terror as the dog had snarled and growled at him. When Remus was sure the woman would scold the dog, or at least lead it away from Harry, she too had laughed and fed the dog treats from her carpet bag.
After 2 months of spending every hour he wasn’t looking for jobs, sleeping, or transforming watching the Dursley’s, Remus could take it no more. But what was he supposed to do? Dumbledore had placed Harry with the Dursley’s for a reason, a very good one as far as Remus was concerned, how would he react to being told that Harry needed to leave?
“Ah Remus.” Dumbledore beamed at him as he entered his office. “It’s good to see you. Take a seat.”
Remus’ legs felt like jelly as he did as he was told. He seemed to have left his backbone at home today for when Dumbledore turned to him brightly and asked if he wanted tea Remus did nothing but smile and nod, despite the fury he felt.
“What brings you to me?” Dumbledore asked pleasantly once Remus had wrapped his shaking hands around his teacup.
“Did you know?” It wasn’t how Remus had planned to start, but it was a start none the less. He leant forward in his seat and fixed Dumbledore with his iciest glare.
“That depends entirely on what you are referring to,” Dumbledore’s answer was light, and that somehow made Remus even angrier.
“How Harry’s being treated, did you know?” Remus implored. “Because I’ve been watching them – His relatives – and they’re…They’re awful Professor.” Even at 23 Remus couldn’t quite stomach calling Dumbledore of all people by his first name. “They’ve got him in his cousins’ clothes that are too big for him, and he’s so thin and he’s… he’s scared of them! And they don’t care. He gets upset and they laugh! I – “
“Ah.” Dumbledore lowered his teacup back to his desk with a small sigh, as though Remus was inconveniencing him by bringing this to his attention. “I did think that Petunia may have trouble…adjusting.”
“Trouble adjusting?!” Remus said incredulously, forgetting to be polite. “It’s been 2 years! They tried to set a dog on him Professor!”
“Yes. I thought they might find it hard.’ Dumbledore sighed again and Remus was hit with the insane desire to throw his tea at him. He resisted. “Admittedly I did not think they would find it quite this hard. I will confess that the… details of the situation were unknown to me. Arabella Figg has been keeping an eye on him for me.” Dumbledore rose to his feet and began pacing around his office. His long purple robe swished against the floor with each step. “You know my reasons for placing him with them. I do not do so lightly.”
“Yes but– “
“It is for Harry’s own protection Remus. Surely you understand that.”
“Of course I do but-“
“In order for the blood protection Lily’s sacrifice created to work he needs to be living in that house. With his last remaining family member. With his aunt. Or he will be in grave danger.”
“But Voldemort is gone!” Remus interrupted loudly. Dumbledore stopped his pacing and stared back at Remus. “He’s gone so –“
“He will return Remus. I am certain of it.” Remus had to concede that whenever Dumbledore had been certain of something he was usually right. But still…
“And you think that not being able to get into a house will stop him?” Remus argued. “That not being able to touch Harry will stop him? We both know that it won’t Headmaster. If…When Voldemort eventually returns, Harry will be in danger either way.”
“The blood protection will give him an extra layer of protection against Lord Voldemort, and we must not underestimate it’s importance when the time comes.”
“An extra layer of protection for a childhood of misery?” Remus asked, startled by the softness in his own voice. Wasn’t ‘for your own protection’ the reason his father had given when he locked him in the cellar, when he told Remus to stay away from the windows lest someone see that he exists at all? Remus’ protection had been the excuse for 7 longs years of total isolation. “He is miserable in that house Professor, and he will be miserable until the day he starts Hogwarts.”
Dumbledore sighed again. “I know.” He resumed his pacing. “And if I had another option Remus, I promise you I would take it.”
“But you do have other options!”
“Harry has no other relatives and no one else capable of taking care of him.” The words hit Remus like a slap to the face. It was true of course, he could not care for Harry any more than he could he grow an extra head, but it did not reduce the sting. If he hadn’t been a werewolf, maybe they wouldn’t even be having this conversation.
“Any number of Wizarding families would be happy to take him!”
“This is true. Yet this runs the risk of any number of Voldemort’s supporters finding him. On top of that international fame at 3 years old for something he cannot even remember? It would be unbearable.”
“More unbearable than having a dog set on him?” Remus asked bitterly. “A muggle family then.”
“A Muggle family who understood the complexities of the situation and the danger that they would be in? It would be almost impossible to find.”
“Then look harder.” Remus said through gritted teeth.
“I see we are not going to agree on this one, Remus.” Dumbledore said sadly, he returned to his place behind the desk. “The Dursley’s are the best suited to look after Harry. He is safest there now and will be safest there when Lord Voldemort inevitably returns.” He peered at Remus through his half-moon glasses as though he was staring straight through him. “I’m sorry. Truly.”
With a curt nod Remus rose and walked silently from the office.