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They say all good things come in threes, and that’s what it took to convince Remus Lupin that he loved Sirius Black. Not the heat that spread to his fingertips when he smiled, not the urge to tell him first when anything funny happened, or the concern with what he thought of him above anything else. Instead, it was three indisputable facts: something he couldn’t deny or avoid. Perhaps it was the only thing he really ever believed in—magic.
The first time was in his third year. Him and the others had been searching the castle, looking for a spot to catch the Slytherins coming out of their common room for a potential prank. They had split up, each looking in a different area. Remus was searching through empty classrooms, peaking his head in each one.
After a moment, he reached a room with something odd inside. There was a tall object covered with a sheet. It reminded him of a book Lily had given him, the one by the muggle who knew so much about magic. He wondered if there was a hidden wardrobe with a passage to another world under the sheet as he approached it. He wasn’t sure if he would go inside if there was—he rather liked this world. However, when he pulled of the cover the only thing under it was a mirror. A bit disappointed by the discovery, Remus began to put the sheet back on.
He stopped. There was something odd being reflected in the mirror—not just himself, something else. He tossed the sheet back to the ground and took a step back.
In the mirror, he was still looking back at himself, just not alone. The reflection showed him a bit older, maybe eighteen. He didn’t have any scars and stood with a tall, proud stance.
Next to him was another man. He had shaggy black hair to his shoulders and a grin as if he was telling a joke no one even knew. His arm rested around Remus’ back as he pulled him closer. They were talking and laughing when the dark haired man pulled Remus in for a kiss.
With a jump Remus grabbed the sheet and through it back over the mirror, rushing out of the classroom. He closed the door quick but quiet—he didn’t want anyone to see that he had been in there.
It didn’t make any sense, why had there been a mirror reflecting Remus? And why was there that man with him? And why would they touching like that? He could still feel his heart pounding through his chest, making his vision blurry.
For a moment he wondered if it had been a cruel prank by the Slytherins. That wouldn’t make much sense, considering it wasn’t all bad. In fact, while he was looking at it Remus felt a warm feeling in his heart, an expanding pull as he watched the image.
He was pulled out of his daze when he saw his friends come around the corner.
Sirius leaped towards him. “Moony! We found a perfect spot near the dungeons.”
James huddled near him as well, with Peter following close behind. “Yeah, it’s really great! You need to check it out, those Slytherins will have no idea what hit him.”
Remus brushed away his shock and laughed. “That sounds fantastic you guys, I’m sure it’s perfect.”
As the four of them turned around the corner, Remus couldn’t help but look at Sirius. With a passing thought, he noticed the same eyes that he had seen in the mirror.
———
The second time he noticed was in his sixth year. Professor Slughorn had instructed their class to brew
“Peter, are you sure we did everything right? Did you remember the rose thorns?”
He loved Peter, he really did, but he silently cursed James and Sirius for leaving him with him. Whenever he worked with Peter, something ended up going wrong.
Peter stuttered for a moment. “I just put them in—and the pearl dust and the powdered moonstone.”
Remus thought for a moment, analyzing what could have gone wrong. “Did we remember the Ashwinder eggs? I don’t remember putting them in.”
“No, you did. Right after the peppermint, remember? Why do you think it’s wrong anyways? It seems fine to me.”
“It just doesn’t smell right. The first whiff I got smelled sort of like the quidditch leather—I hate quidditch.”
“Oh?” Peter remarked. He leaned forward and tried it himself. “It smells right to me.”
“What does it smell like?”
Peter’s face flushed red. “I—I’m not telling.”
Remus laughed a bit, aware of Peters longtime unrequited crunch on Marlene. “It’s okay, Pete. But it does smell like things you like, yeah?”
Peter eased up a bit. “Um, yeah.”
Remus smelled again, this time he was hit by a sweet, deep smell.
He looked back at Peter. “Maybe uh—maybe it is working.
“I smell chocolate. I do like chocolate. It probably just took a moment to work.”
Peter nodded his head in agreement, but Remus got the feeling that he didn’t completely agree.
“Why don’t you try it again, see what you smell this time.”
Remus leaned back in and smelled the brew. This time he got a different smell. It was earthy, smelling almost of almond.
“That’s odd.” He muttered. “It smells of wet do—.”
Fuck.
Peter leaned in towards Remus.
“What?” He asked with a hushed voice.
“Nothing.” Remus quipped. “It smells like nothing.”
Peter rolled his eyes. “Armortentia can’t smell like nothing. Did you say it smells like wet dog?”
Remus’ face flushed bright red as he stole a nervous glance towards Sirius and James. He looked back at the floor and said nothing, twiddling the fabric of his robes in his hands.
A striking realization crossed Peters face. “Oh.”
Remus felt his heart lurch, chest pounding. He was so fucked. Peter knew. He spoke in a hushed whisper, praying that no one was listening to them.
“It must have been a mistake! Really Peter, you don’t have to tell James or Siri—.”
“I’m not going to tell anyone, Remus.” Peter looked back at him with understanding. “This is between you and me, I promise.”
Relief flushed over Remus. He had never been so grateful for anyone in his life.
“Pete, I really can’t tell you how much I appreciate this.”
“Don’t mention it, really.”
With that Remus heard Slughorn asking the class to wrap up. James and Sirius came on over to his and Peter’s station as they gathered their things. As the group began heading out of the room, Remus lingered back.
“Hold on you guys, I think I forgot something. Go ahead, I’ll meet you in a minute.”
The other three nodded and continued forward. James was explaining to the others how he was sure the brew smelled just like Lily.
As they walked away, Remus leaned in towards the potion, and stole one last smell.
———
Remus figured it was indisputable the last month of their seventh year. Matters had been getting worse with the war. Many of his peers had already lost loved ones. At this point he, Peter, Sirius, and James had already pledged to join The Order after graduating.
With the increasing tensions, Dumbledore was requiring all students to be instructed on the Patronus spell. They had been told that most students wouldn’t be able to perform it for some time, but it was worth it to at least try.
They had been working at it in Defense Against the Dark Arts for the past week, and so far only Mary McDonald had been able to cast one. Apparently, she had been able to conjure up a really powerful happy memory.
The issue for Remus was the he didn’t want to conjure a patronus—at least not there. Their Professor had explained that the spell often took the form that most represented the individual casting. He had compared it to animagi; in fact, they almost always were the same animal. To Remus’ dismay, he also pointed out lycanthropes. He had explained how if a werewolf happened to be capable of preforming magic, much less such a powerful spell as a Patronus, it would likely be a wolf. As he had spoke, Remus tried to hide the humiliation that spread on his face.
Remus had been spending the last few class periods pretending to try to cast the spell. Especially because it had been specifically pointed out to his classmates, there was no way he could actually cast the spell. If he did, everyone would surely discover his secret.
All of a sudden, Remus was thrown out of his step by a silver stag bounding past him. He turned around and saw James beaming, frozen in his stance.
Sirius and Peter began to cheer and congratulate him.
“Good job, mate. Bloody incredible,” Sirius said as he shuck James by the shoulders.
Remus came over to join the congratulations. He really was proud of James; but still, it instilled in him that he needed to be successful. He needed to prove that he was as good as James.
That night the rest of his friends were at a quidditch match. It was just a regular season game, so Remus didn’t feel too bad about missing it. Especially because moon was only a day away and he was feeling horrible. A muddy ache stiffened his joints and made him him overwhelmingly nauseous. iSirius had offered to stay behind and keep him company, but Remus insisted that he go ahead and support James.
So Remus sat alone, softly muttering incantations under his breath. He doubted he would even be able to achieve the spell, but it gave him something to focus on other than the pain coursing through his bones. Anyways, if it did work, it was best it did away from anyone else who could discover his secret.
“Expecto patronus, expecto patronus, expecto patronus.” As he spoke, he thought of happy memories. He thought of speaking Welsh with his mother, the language that he felt most comfortable in, most at home. He held on to the feeling as hard as he could, and for a moment his want began to glow. The soft light began to expand until it slowly flickered out.
That was okay, Remus thought. He had plenty of other happy memories to sort through. He thought of the day he met the other Marauders. That memory brought him so much joy, it really was one of the happiest days of his life. Still, nothing happened. Remus feared that maybe he just couldn’t make
He thought of another memory. It was in his fifth year and the day of the full moon. Much like this night, he was feeling awful. He was rather irritable and dreading the night to come. That evening he had been sitting in bed, trying to steal a few hours of rest when he was awoken to James tapping his shoulder.
“Mate, wake up.”
He groaned. “What the hell, James.”
Sirius piped in. “Really, Moony. Wake up, it’s important.”
With a sigh Remus pulled himself up, joints cracking as he moved. He stared back at his friends, waiting for them to show him what was so important. Peter was beaming, obviously struggling to not blurt anything out. Sirius seemed to be struggling equally, nearly vibrating with excitement.
“Okay Moony, you need to promise to not freak out,” James said as he gestured with his palms out in moderation.
Remus didn’t understand what was going on.
He continued. “You know how the three of us have been sort of secretive the past few months?”
Remus rolled his eyes and nodded. The others had obviously been keeping a secret from Remus, and it sort of hurt his feeling a bit, feeling excluded from what was going on.
“Well, we were doing some research into werewolves.”
Remus perked up.
“And we found out that they’re only really aggressive to humans—not animals. So we all were thinking and we—.”
Sirius cut him off. “Godammit Prongs, just show him already.”
Remus looked back and forth between Peter, James, and Sirius.
“Show me what?”
The three locked eyes and nodded with assurance before shifting their entire forms into something else. The transformation wasn’t anything like Remus’, it was fast and seamless. Within a moment, a stag, dog, and tiny rat took the place of we’re they had been standing.
Remus looked at the animals in front of him, unsure of what to say. Then, Sirius transformed back into a human, with James and Peter following close behind.
Sirius was elated. “See, Moons? We did this for you. Now you don’t have to be alone anymore!”
Remus looked back at his friends, expression blank.
“Aren’t you going to say anything?” Peter questioned with a smile.
Out of nowhere, Remus burst into tears. He had never felt this loved in his life. His whole childhood, his parents were always distant. Even his mother seemed scared of him at times. He never had many friends, and always felt so isolated from his peers. He felt unlovable, as if no one could ever see him as more than his condition.
But here in front of him were three boys who had gone through so much to make sure he wasn’t alone.
“Merlin,” Sirius exclaimed. “I hope we didn’t scare you that bad.”
Remus shook his head and smiled, sobs still racking throug his body. “No, no. Not at all. I’m just—.”
Sirius leaned forward and locked him in a tight hug, the others joining in.
Remus let the feeling from that night course through his body. With the memory, came a glowing warmth (almost like the feeling that mirror he saw when he was a fourth year gave him). The feeling grew and grew inside his chest until in burst. From his wand a brilliant blue light exploded. Remus jumped back, shocked by the force. In the light, a furry canine leaped through. It wasn’t a werewolf—it was smaller. The creature he had created was a dog—an elegant German Shepard standing tall.
He didn’t understand, how was his patronus not a wolf? James’ was a stag, McGonagall was a cat. It didn’t make any sense.
He was pulled out of his confusion by a small voice by the door.
“Good job, Moons.”
He jerked to the side and saw his friend standing in the corner.
“Fuck, Sirius—I didn’t see you there.”
“It’s okay,” he smiled as he walked towards Remus’ bed. “I was just going to see if you were feeling okay. The games over—everyone is celebrating I’m the common room.”
Remus felt bad that he was keeping Sirius. “I’m alright, you should go. I’ll see you later tonight.”
Sirius sat down. “Its okay, really. I don’t mind.”
Their eyes locked for a movement before Remus quickly looked away.
Sirius cleared his throat. “Are we going to talk about what just happened?” He smiled. “You just cast a fucking Patronus. That’s amazing, Moony.”
Remus laughed a bit. “Yeah,
Sirius laughed a bit before quieting down. “You know, they say Patronuses aren’t only the animal that most represents you. They sometimes represent the person you love.”
His expression was unreadable. Remus’ heart stopped in his throat.
“Fuck, Sirius. I’m so sorry. You’re my best friend, I don’t want to make things weird between us. I promise I won’t do anything, you—.”
Remus was thrown out of his rambling by Sirius grabbing him by the shoulders and pulling him into a kiss. It was a gentle pull, Sirius obviously conscious of how much he hurt before the moon.
Sirius pulled away. “Moony,” he whispered breathlessly. He smiled kindly. “I really like you.”
Remus didn’t say anything. He looked into the eyes facing him and realized something he should have a long time ago: he was irrecoverably in love with Sirius Black. Perhaps what he had been searching for this whole time was him. It was one of those things that didn’t make any sense before, but as soon as he realized it there was no way of thinking anything else. Sure, he had know that he was attracted to Sirius before. But he had never noticed how hopelessly in love with this boy he truly was.
He pulled him in for another kiss, this time longer and fuller. He wasn’t sure how things would go from here. Maybe they would begin a relationship, maybe they would never speak about this again. They might be open about it in front of their friends, or they could keep it a secret the rest of their lives.
The only thing he knew was this moment, and it was the only thing he would ever know again.