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How does one rest, he asked silently, when all he sees behind closed eyes are memories of things he’d rather forget, playing back and forth like a rewound VHS tape.
He wished he could remember the times before everything in his life came crashing down with the slither of snakes or the stomp of stone or the metallic ring of metal androids or-
Or ghosts.
Ghosts like the one that took his baby brother. Ghosts like the screaming lady, the screeching arrows of the archer, and the ugly laughter of the man with the skeleton mask.
Ghosts like Morro, who called upon gales loud enough to leave his ears ringing. Morro, who sneered and shouted with a voice that was not his own, that was meant to be kind and warm. Morro, who had caused them so much pain and suffering and restless nights, all with a cruel smile that looked out of place on the face he wore.
And then…
And then there was Cole.
Cole, a ghost not from the cursed realm, but rather made one by his stupid sacrifice. Cole, who couldn’t go a day without dropping something through his intangible hands or burning himself when he forgot that he couldn’t drink anymore- not like the others. Cole, who accidentally walked through walls or fell through floors or retched every time the Bounty shifted side to side on the waves. Cole, who couldn’t taste the foods he loved, the foods that sat uncomfortably visible in a form that no longer needed nutrition. Cole, who could barely feel the clothing on his body or the supposedly reassuring touch of another despite how they told him he still radiated warmth.
Cole, who could barely feel the ground. That one scared him the most.
The earth was tangible. He was not. The earth required a physical presence that he barely had the strength to provide. Their give and take relationship was put on hold, and Lloyd- (No, don’t think about him. It only makes it worse.) With Cole’s body being something unfamiliar enough, he didn’t know if he could call it his own. He felt sick.
He couldn’t feel anything at all.
Kai told him that ghosts can’t die. Kai didn’t know that ghosts can’t find peace, either.
Cole has learned the hard way that ghosts can’t do a lot of things that humans can.
(Is he still human if his body is dead and gone? Cole whispered his question into the dead of night. He chuckled at the unintentional pun. If the night is dead, he mused, it made sense why it didn’t want to whisper back. He didn’t like hearing the sound of his voice much now, either.)
He couldn’t eat or drink or breathe in the air around him. He could mimic the actions to not make dinner an uncomfortable experience, but they felt empty. They were empty, just like the once-beating heart in his chest or his echoing voice that didn’t sound so haunting to sing with before.
In Cole’s opinion, the worst part was the inability to sleep.
Ghosts didn’t need it. Only living beings, or beings more alive than himself, needed upkeep. Without sleep, the nights were long and oh-so lonely. Books or sketch pads could only occupy him for so long, and his new hands would only drop the handle of any weapon he used to train with. (Not the deepstone shuriken though, but he refused to touch that unless he absolutely had to. It felt wrong. It burned him but froze his hand against its cool surface. It pulled the soul from him- the one thing keeping his form in this realm. Another thing he hated about being a ghost, he supposed.)
He couldn’t rest, physically or mentally. He couldn’t close his eyes without seeing Lloyd or Morro or Yang and all of the mistakes he made in the moments they met eyes. They fluttered around his head like bees but whispered in his ears in a voice like rotten honeycomb.
And so, he kept watch.
It was hard to discern, but he could feel a hint of the chill in the air as the bounty approached the Wailing Alps. The moisture in the clouds they passed through prickled his skin and threatened to make tears fall from his eyes and bring more pain, but he had always been stubborn, and he was not about to show weakness, even to himself. He couldn’t feel the splinters in the wood as he reclined against the outer cabin wall on the deck. It scared him, how one slip in concentration could send him hurtling to the snowy ground below. He didn’t want to think about how much it would sting when he found it melting against the body that somehow still radiated heat.
He was so tired. Mentally, that is. He couldn’t feel physically tired. His Jay would have made a stupid rhyme about tired and wired if he knew about it. Actually, maybe he would just give him that sad, pitiful look he’d seen far to much of in the past few days.
So Cole kept watch. He sat on the deck of the Bounty and meditated with his chin tilted towards the stars. He stayed still and protected the Bounty from hostiles that never appeared. He had to be strong despite his circumstances. He had to keep being strong. He had to-
“Didn’t expect to see you here.” Cole flinched, then cursed himself for doing so.
Kai had slipped through the door without Cole noticing, despite the thick blanket wrapped around his shoulders trailing on the floor behind him. His hair was in its natural-ungelled state and tussled after he fell asleep after taking a shower, making it on the curlier side of wavy, much like his sister’s. Clearly, he had just woken up, and Cole tried not to react as Kai sat down next to him with a yawn.
He forced a smile on his face, “Yeah, well- normally I would have blended in better, so you wouldn’t have seen me at all.” Having a black gi had been practical for staying in the shadows in years past, but his new ghostly green glow ruined the effect.
Kai snorted, “Nice try. You can’t hide from me. I’m still the best at finding Lloyd in hide-and-seek, remember?” Ever since he had grown older with the tomorrow’s tea, they had been trying to recreate Lloyd’s childhood between missions or encounters with all sorts of trouble, including hide-and-seek games in which Kai was ridiculously good at finding everyone, even the self-crowned king of hide-and-seek himself.
Cole didn’t miss how Kai winced at the mention of their missing brother. Now that Kai was sitting next to him, he could see the deep-set bags below eyes he could have sworn were puffy and red. It was easy enough to put the pieces together.
“Nightmare?” He asked softly.
To his surprise, Kai shook his head, “Nah, it was a pretty good dream, actually.” He smiled, “Remember when we’d make pillow forts in the cabin when he had trouble sleeping?”
“And how we’d stay up coming up with stories until we passed out?”
He hummed, “I miss those days. I just- I remembered it, but it was all just a dream.” He curled his legs in closer to himself, “I might have actually preferred a nightmare, rather than being reminded of something I can’t have.”
Kai was closer to Lloyd than any of them. It made sense- Kai was the older brother, after all. He was the one making sure they were safe and the one to pull others into his arms after restless nights. He was the drive behind the team, compared to Cole’s sturdy foundation.
(He didn’t feel very sturdy.)
“So,” Kai wiped his eyes with his sleeve, shutting away his vulnerability. It wasn’t like there was much Cole could do to help him with it besides simply being there for him, “Couldn’t sleep?”
Cole sighed, “You don’t know half of it.”
There was a hum in response, “I’ll stay here if you wanna use me as a heated blanket or something. Might help you fall asleep.” Cole knew that Kai radiated extra warmth in the cold, making himself miserable in turn since releasing that much heat made him feel frozen. Something about exothermic reactions, Zane had once explained, since he seemed to have the opposite problem with endothermic ones. If Cole didn’t know any better, he would say this was a plot of Kai’s to cuddle up to something warm. (Cole still found it weird that he was warm, even as a ghost.)
Still, he shook his head, “No, not-“ he groaned, “I can’t sleep- like, physically- ghostly- whatever. I can’t sleep anymore.”
It was silent for a moment before Kai spoke. He yawned and scooted closer to Cole so he could wrap his blanket around the two of them, “It’s okay if you can’t sleep. Just try to meditate or something.”
Cole barely had the time to make himself solid before Kai dropped his head onto his shoulder. It was odd. Only a few days ago was he turned into a ghost. He didn’t think he had touched anyone in that time.
He still couldn’t feel his warmth. Only the chill.
“Who’s gonna watch the bounty, then?” The ghosts were still out there. They couldn’t be caught unawares, not with everything at stake. That’s why Cole’s been bearing the cold air instead of wasting the night reading or drawing inside.
Kai hummed, “I’ll take watch. I’ll shake you out of it when I’m getting sleepy.”
Satisfied, Cole was conceited to close his eyes and shift so that he was more comfortable with Kai’s head on his shoulder so that he didn’t accidentally send him falling through his form. The world, the howl of the wind, the creak of the planks below, and the sounds of Kai’s occasional yawns faded away, leaving only the feeling of the ninja beside him.
That void he found in meditation had always been a calm and somewhat comforting one in the correct situation. In Wu’s exercises, the warm darkness took on a weighted feeling, something Cole had once likened to being placed in a pressure cooker. By himself, and especially with his brothers at his side, it felt warm- like slipping under the covers after training in the rain.
Becoming a ghost has made it colder. Yes, he felt blanketed and comfortable, but he was still so cold. He didn’t know how Kai or Zane could stand this. Even with their intense temperature fluctuations, Cole doubted they had ever felt such omnipresent chill.
But still, it was comforting enough. Having his brother there made it better.
It was morning when he realized that Kai had never woken him up. It was then that he figured out that he could sleep after all, in his own unique way.
Maybe he could bare with being a ghost a bit longer.
For Lloyd’s sake.
There was a ringing in his head- buzzing like bees and hammering nails into his eardrums. When had everything gotten so loud? When had he started feeling hungry- so thirsty. He thought he wasn’t supposed to feel those things, but First Master, he could barely think .
He was being carried, he thought. Someone had a hand against his back and his own, clad in heavy armor that had been light a few minutes ago, was thrown over their shoulders. His feet dragged against the grass and he could feel the someone have to readjust their grip whenever Cole stumbled.
Where was he? The last thing he remembered there was a- a rift? Yang pushed him and he could see his hands again. Not see through them. He heard Jay and he hopped up with what adrenaline he had left and shouted something and- and then it went dark.
There was a voice far away. It was saying something about dehydration and exhaustion. Cole couldn’t tell who it was through the buzzing in his ears.
His stomach twisted and Cole whined in return.
“I’ve got ya, buddy,” he knew that voice. That was Kai, right? Kai was the one carrying him, “We’re almost there. Just hold on.” He spoke softly and with the same tone as when he was in his older brother mode and caring for them.
Cole’s words were slow and slurred as he tried to make his tongue work in his mouth, “‘m tired.”
There was a warm huff. Actually, everything was warm. Everywhere he touched Kai felt overwhelmingly hot. He had almost forgotten what true warmth felt like, “I know, cariño, but you’ve gotta eat and drink somethin’ first. You’ve been a ghost for so long and need some nutrients, and Zane said you’re pretty fatigued, too.
Another whine made Kai chuckle, “Sorry. Here, I’mma set you down and go help Zane with the food stuff.” Cole was placed on what he assumed to be his bed. He had forgotten what the blankets felt like. It was overwhelming. The softness and the itchiness gave him goosebumps. He hadn’t gotten goosebumps in a year, almost longer.
He sank into the feeling, and was so close to finally falling asleep when Kai started to let go.
It filled him with fear. If Kai left, would he still feel warm? Would he ever feel it again? He’d been so cold for so long.
Cole made a panicked noise and weakly grabbed Kai’s sleeve. He couldn’t be cold again.
Kai looked surprised, “Cole, I-“
“Don’ go.” Now that he had the warmth back, Cole was on the edge of dreamland once again. To be frank, he was a bit scared of falling asleep, because maybe he was just meditating. Maybe he was just imagining it all.
But the way Kai brushed his hair out of his face couldn’t be faked, nor could his soft voice, filled with care, “Alright. I’ll stay.”
When Zane finally came in with a bowl of rice and some water and after Cole had eaten, gotten over the slight aquaphobia he had developed, and had been convinced to change into more comfortable clothing, he was finally able to fall asleep with Kai keeping careful watch, just like he had before.
And finally, Cole was warm again.