Chapter Text
I will love you until we run out of mornings. Then I will love you in the dark.
-Renaud
**
Once upon a time Kwon Soonyoung dreamt to be a CEO’s kept man. That or marrying a Kpop idol. Unfortunately, for him Jeon Wonwoo — his annoying best friend — had other plans. And maybe Soonyoung would never admit (not even at gunpoint), but he’s thankful Wonwoo had a good head on his shoulders because, honestly, Soonyoung doesn’t have a back-up plan besides those two he’d listed.
He went to the nearest university and got the easiest major he knows: Dance Theory, which he kind of hates in the long run since it was more on research papers and powerpoint presentations, when he anticipated being in a studio, and sweating as he figures out new moves and choreographies. Nonetheless, it was a good uni life, mostly thanks to his theatre major friends who included him in everything fun.
Wonwoo on the other hand studied Economics like the boring person that he is. Up to this day Soonyoung’s still begrudging him for being such a goody two-shoes that Soonyoung’s own mother wouldn’t stop comparing him to Jeon Perfect-Son Wonwoo. And maybe, the only moment his mother was happy with him was when Soonyoung officially made Wonwoo Mrs. Kwon’s son — well, son-in-law.
It hasn’t been long been long since they got married, almost three years now. But it feels like forever to Soonyoung since they’ve known each other since middle school. Although there are times when seventeen years doesn’t seem enough to fill the want that set camp in Soonyoung’s chest that summer he turned sixteen. Sure, they always argue about the smallest of things because they’re both stubborn idiots who are also competitive as fuck, but they’d rather bicker than live without the other. Their friends are surprise they’re both alive at this point.
The thing is, as much as they argued and teased each other, they have the best understanding of each other. They throw metaphorical punches for a good laugh or just because it’s fun to rile the other up, but they never poke where it hurts. Wonwoo especially has the patience of a saint, and would often be the first to throw the towel in. And Soonyoung knows he’s sulky when upset but never denies Wonwoo his touches and hugs. He’ll keep quiet and be pouty in the cradle of Wonwoo’s arms, as the younger rebuilds their peace one soothing touch at a time, and maybe a few sweet kisses in between to quicken their reconciliation.
Wonwoo rarely gets upset, and it’s worse when Soonyoung’s guilty because it’s his fault. During those times Wonwoo calmly enumerates why he’s angry and the let Soonyoung melt in his arms, because even when he’s mad Wonwoo’s affection for Soonyoung will always be bigger than his anger. He says it’s because every other emotion is fleeting but his feelings for Soonyoung are permanent. Cemented. Irrevocable.
**
The heat is bearable that mid morning, proof that summer is finally over and autumn will take its place. There’ll be confusing weeks coming along, seasonal changes are always like that. Soonyoung wrapped an extra jacket around his waist in case they suddenly make it home late and Wonwoo’s extra plaid shirt isn’t enough to shield him from the cold early autumn night.
They’ve eaten ramen for lunch at Soonyoung’s favourite restaurant because they’re on their scheduled weekend date, and it’s Wonwoo’s turn to plan it out. Last time they went to a waterpark, it felt silly that they enjoyed it very much, childish as it may seem. Wonwoo always said that Soonyoung is such a young at heart no matter what age; a perfect balance to Wonwoo’s general old hermit personality.
Soonyoung has no idea what Wonwoo had planned, always the secretive one. Soonyoung, on the other hand, quaked merely hours after he booked their waterpark tickets. He’s not sure he’ll be able to hide his excitement from his husband for two weeks.
The park they’re walking around to digest their lunch is crowded with families since it’s a Saturday. There are couples, too, like them, and a few group of middle schoolers. They’ve passed by a handful of couples with strollers, and Soonyoung might have stared far too long on each one.
‘Soon-ah.’ Wonwoo intertwines their finger, a warm reminder that there’s a shore at hand when he drowns in his own thoughts sometimes. ‘You okay?’ They haven’t stopped walking but they’ve slowed down. Wonwoo’s eyes flicker every now and then on his husband’s face, heavy with curiosity.
Soonyoung hasn’t even noticed he spaced out. Leave it to Wonwoo to be so attune to Soonyoung before he knows himself. He thinks it’s the years they’ve spent together, but sometimes even his own mother can’t tell, so maybe, it’s not numbers and time.
‘Just thinking,’ he replies, staring at his shoes as he tries to find the words to voice his thoughts because Wonwoo is waiting for a less vague answer. Outside of his work, he’s more of a do now, think later person so it’s unlike him to be quiet and lost in thoughts. Unless it really bothers him and his trying to turn his thoughts inside out to discover the reason for them. ‘Maybe I should focus on something permanent.’ He meets Wonwoo’s eyes, a depreciating smile on his lips. The scratch card on his chest pocket suddenly feels heavy. ‘I’ve been chasing the same dream for more than a decade now, and I still haven’t reached it… Maybe this is it for me, and I should learn how to quit.’
Wonwoo brings them both to a halt, looks at Soonyoung with contemplation, worry lingering at the corner of his eyes. ‘Has something happened at work?’ he asks, instead of either agreeing or disagreeing , because he knows more than anyone that one of Soonyoung’s main motivation is his dream. And he cannot imagine his husband existing without his passion: dancing. Almost everything about Soonyoung is a graceful, fluid movement that reflects who he is. If dance is taken from him he won’t be Kwon Soonyoung anymore.
Soonyoung shakes his head. ‘No, everything’s fine,’ he explains with a reassuring smile that doesn’t quite reach his eyes. He sighs and bites the inside of his cheek. ‘I’m not giving up on dancing,’ he assures again, knowing that Wonwoo might be thinking of that. Nonetheless, his decision is not painless either. He braces himself, this might not be the perfect moment but he’s doing it anyway to get it over with. ‘I’m thinking of quitting my current company for a more permanent job.’
They’ve discussed Soonyoung’s part-time job before. The pay is manageable but cannot cover much. He’s been waiting to get promoted as Senior Choreographer to be able to handle debuted idol groups’ dance lessons and choreography, instead of being a back-up dancer who’s often called at the oddest time to rural places. It’s been years, and he’s not sure if the company doesn’t see his potential, or they won’t acknowledge it because he doesn’t have the right connections. Or maybe, it’s because he’s always been unlucky, he remembers the failed scratch card again, one in the many he had lost, not once winning at least one thousand won.
Wonwoo walks them closer to the side where a wooden bench awaits. He sits them down, never letting go of Soonyoung’s hand. They’re too in public to show more than hand holding, which is already pushing it. But they’re side by side, an anchoring weight next to each other like how gravity grounds us all so we don’t drift away.
Soonyoung bites the inside of his cheek harder, willing the wetness in his eyes to go away. He inhales deeply and it’s a little wet, as he tries to meet Wonwoo’s eyes. His husband waits with patience as he lines his thoughts into words, gentle hands holding Soonyoung’s like a sturdy foundation ready to support so he doesn’t break, and also ready to gather him back carefully if he does.
‘They offered me a teaching position at Jong-in’s dance academy,’ he continues with another heavy sigh. ‘The pay is not a lot, but it’s a permanent job and could increase through the years. Plus, it means I don’t have to go around a lot for filming, and I’ll have regular hours.’ He sniffs again, accompanying it with loop-sided smile. ‘The benefits are good too… And their school is gaining popularity that’s why they’re hiring more teachers… It’s really not bad.’ Another smile, this time it’s brighter than the last ones. He’s made peace with his decision, but somehow telling someone else makes it more concrete, and it’s scary. At the same time a little bit painful to admit that he’d given p on his dream, especially to someone who rooted for him all these years.
What if Wonwoo hates him for it? Soonyoung gets teary-eyed just thinking about disappointing Wonwoo. His husband had made sacrifices so Soonyoung can chase his dream, but in the end he failed. And somehow it seems like he failed Womwoo, too.
‘Will you be happy with this?’ Wonwoo inquires, one hand cupping the side of Soonyoung’s jaw that’s hidden from the crowd. ‘Because I don’t want you to worry too much about anything, except to be happy.’
And just as how his heart bursts with so much relief, and so much love for his husband’s endless generosity and care, the tears he was fighting back overflowed like an opened dam. It aches to know he’s understood and he could take as much as he likes. He does not deserve Jeon Wonwoo.
He sobs, not so quietly that people start looking. But he doesn’t see them, his whole face planted in Wonwoo’s shoulder as he cries the weight that he’s been carrying these last four days. An arm blankets across his back, Soonyoung held into Wonwoo’s plaid shirt tighter. It’s been heavy and difficult, but now, he can finally breathe, and he does: sandalwood and peach. Home.