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If she was being completely honest, Nancy thought she’d never be happy after Barb’s death. The guilt was an ever present part of her mind that she could temporarily shove away when she needed to focus on other things (like monsters from the upside down or Russians in Hawkins). The guilt never stayed away for long, it always came back in full force. People say that time heals all things but Nancy would never heal from it. The pain still felt as fresh as the day it happened.
After Jonathan and his family moved away and they broke up, Nancy felt so incredibly stuck. Her life since Will’s disappearance was a constant adrenaline rush. She didn’t have time to slow down. If she wasn’t trying to find and kill monsters she was spending almost all her time with Jonathan. She’d envelope herself in the love he’d give and did her best to convince herself that it was all she needed to be okay.
When the distractions from the monsters and a boyfriend inevitably disappeared, Nancy was newly surrounded by the feeling of utter loneliness. Sure she’d never had a huge friend group but she always had someone. Now. Now she didn’t know who she had.
The rest of the summer after the Byers family moved sucked. She had nothing to distract her from the events of the past few years. Eventually she learned to be okay with spending her early morning hours going for a run around Hawkins and later at the library. Somehow voluntarily spending an hour or two running was great for clearing her messy head. The library was first an excuse to get away from her mom’s probing questions about if she was okay after the mall “fire” and with Jonathan moving. Home was stifling.
The library eventually turned into a little safe haven. It sounded dumb, but she threw herself into fantasy and mystery novels. Most of those stories ended happily or with the mystery solved. A part of Nancy lived through those happy endings. Maybe she’d get one too.
It was 6am on an extra hot day in early August and Nancy was finishing up her run. Nightmares of Barb woke her up at 5 and she didn't want to think about how those nightmares made her feel so she laced up her shoes and headed out.
“Wheeler! Wait up!”
She was a little annoyed at her run being interrupted but she came to a stop and turned around to see Robin Buckley pedaling towards her. Robin was interesting. She had worked at Scoops with Steve and was dragged into the upside down mess when she cracked a Russian code - so she had to be an alright person. Nancy suspected that she was dating Steve although he’d denied it when she had asked him a little while ago.
Robin came to a stop in front of her and grinned, far too cheerful for the sun just starting to fully come up, “how’s it going Nancy?”
“I was going on a run,“ she said with a tight smile.
Robin just stared at her blankly and then Nancy could see the realization in her eyes, “Oh shit did I interrupt you?”
Nancy took a deep breath. She wasn’t too annoyed that her run was cut short but more that she just wasn’t expecting to have to interact with anyone till at least 8am so she felt extremely off balance seeing Robin. The socializing part of her brain wasn’t awake yet.
Realizing that Robin was still looking at her, waiting for an answer, she quickly said, “No it’s fine, I was just about to finish up. Just wasn’t expecting to see anyone so early.”
Robin gave her a small smile, “I get that, I was just heading back home from Steve’s place,” Nancy just stared at her and Robin turned red.“Oh my gosh that sounds awful,” she laughed, “we were having like a sleepover.”
Robin Buckley was confusing.
“Oh man that sounds worse, but seriously we were having like a legit sleepover. We baked cupcakes,” Robin paused and shrugged her backpack off her shoulders and opened it up to reveal two cupcakes in a tupperware, “see.” She put her backpack back on.
“Steve attempted to paint my nails,” she turned her nails towards Nancy, revealing sloppily painted black nails. Holly could’ve done a better job at four.
Robin had the energy of a golden retriever. It was 6:10am and here she was showing off cupcakes and her nails like a six-year-old who had just gone to her first sleepover and was telling her mother about everything she’d done. Robin fascinated Nancy.
“Do you guys have sleepovers often?” Nancy asked, because as bizarre as it seemed it really did look like Steve and Robin had a legit sleepover and not a rated M one. Weird.
Robin shrugged, “Not super often, just when the events from last month get a bit much to handle alone.” Robin fiddled with the straps of her backpack, “I know it sounds dumb and childish but it’s weirdly helpful.”
Nancy felt an ache in her chest. She wanted what Steve and Robin had, whether it was romantic or platonic. She didn’t have anyone to go to when her head got messy, she just had herself and the streets of Hawkins to run on when she wanted to feel okay.
“It’s not dumb or childish,” she said quietly.
Robin stared at her with a little frown and Nancy felt like she was under a magnifying glass. Her eyes were so bright and inquisitive and they looked at her like they were searching for something.
“You should join us next time Wheeler,” and Robin was grinning again, “the more the merrier.”
“I wouldn’t be interrupting anything right?” Nancy questioned because yeah sure their sleepovers seemed tame but she was still convinced the two were dating or hooking up or something.
Robin looked confused, “Interrupting what?”
“You and Steve.”
“Oh my gosh, I thought it was clear that we’re like super platonic when I said that we had a sleepover that involved baking cupcakes and painting our nails,” Robin laughed, “we’re platonic with a capital P, I promise.”
With Robin looking at her so earnestly and like she really wanted Nancy to join them, how could she not believe her.
Then Robin frowned, “I’m so dumb, you probably feel awkward because, you’re his ex or wait he’s your ex. Well, I supposed it’s the same thing - you’re each other’s exes, and yeah we’re not dating so I’m probably not going to make you feel awkward, but Steve might,” and Robin looked like she was going to continue talking in circles at the speed of light and Nancy couldn’t help the giggle that escaped from her because Robin looked so serious about trying to get her words right and it was honestly a bit ridiculous but in the most oddly endearing way.
“No, I don’t feel awkward,” Nancy said with a small smile, “our relationship feels like a lifetime ago, I just assumed you two were dating. I don’t want to make it awkward by being there.”
“Nancy Wheeler,” Robin started, “I promise you that we haven’t dated, we aren’t dating, and there’s zero chance that we’d date in the future.”
“How can you be so sure?” It wasn’t that Nancy thought every girl that interacted with Steve would want to date him but she couldn’t wrap her head around how sure about it Robin was.
For the first time since Robin interrupted her run, Robin’s face became hard to read, “That’s a story for another day, maybe at a future sleepover,” she added hopefully.
Nancy let out a small laugh, “you make it sound like we’re all ten.”
Robin pouted. Like actually pouted. “Shut up Wheeler, I know you’d love to join us.”
Then Robin’s tone turned serious, “But for real Nancy, it’s nice to have people to lean on. Especially people that have gone through similar stuff.” Robin shifted a little, leaning more heavily on the handlebars of her bike, “Steve really wanted to reach out to you but he was worried it would make you uncomfortable.”
Nancy couldn’t say no even if she tried because that sounded like everything she’s ever wanted, people to lean on. “I think I’d love to join and partake in your ten-year-old activities, as long as Steve doesn’t feel uncomfortable.”
“Well Steve would only feel uncomfortable if you did so, no worries there.”
“Cool.”
“Cool.”
“Can I walk you home,” Nancy asked. It wasn’t that she was avoiding going home but home felt suffocating lately and she’d take any excuse to stay out a bit longer.
“Are-“ Robin started and then looked at Nancy in that same magnifying glass way as before, “of course you can, do you want to stay over for breakfast?”
“I wouldn’t want to intrude.”
“I’m literally inviting you Wheeler, and I make some pretty mean pancakes so…”
Nancy smiled, “Yeah that would be great.”
Robin hopped off her bike to walk alongside Nancy and it was so nice. Having a friend was nice.
Robin rambles about everything and nothing as they walk to her place. Nancy learns that Robin plays the trumpet in band and she ended up with that instrument for the past six years because of eenie meenie minie mo deciding for her. She learns that Robin is convinced that the neighbor's cat Mr. Mittens was plotting her demise because of the one time she left her bike out and the front tire was flat the next day she had to go to work. The only explanation for the flat tire was an evil car and its claws of course and the only evidence was Mr. Mittens staring at Robin the night before. Nancy giggled at how passionately Robin recounted that story, and how she’d take one hand off her bike to wave her hand around to emphasize her point. She learned that Robin thought strawberries were the worst fruit because “why are their seeds just hanging out on the outside of the fruit, it’s so weird.”
She learns that Robin genuinely didn’t realize how much she talked and when she did notice it was adorable. Was it weird to think of her as adorable? She’d stop mid sentence and smile sheepishly at Nancy and ask, “shit sorry, I’m doing the thing where I talk too much right?” Nancy also learns something about herself like how she loved hearing Robin talk. Her voice was a warm summer day, a campfire on a chilly night…her voice just felt like warmth. Nancy normally found it annoying when people don’t know when to shut up but it was different with Robin. She hoped that one day they’d become good friends, Nancy could use one.
They had pancakes and Nancy learns more about Robin. She learns that she made great pancakes and loved cooking. She learns Robin just lived with her mom and that she wasn’t the best presence in Robin’s life but it was okay because “Steve is like a brother, parent, and best friend all wrapped in one.” Nancy didn’t ask about how Robin was before Steve because that was a lot of years with no support and the thought made Nancy’s heart hurt.
She told Robin about herself too, even if she didn’t like talking about herself, because Robin had said, “I know you said you don’t mind me talking a ton but I’m getting sick of my voice so please tell me about yourself or anything. Do you know any random facts about frogs.” Nancy laughed and told Robin she didn’t know any random facts about frogs but she told her about the time she was obsessed with snakes as a child and spent an entire summer trying to find one to keep as a pet. She told her about how broccoli was the best vegetable and how potatoes were overrated and Robin had stared at her in silence as if she was insane.
Being around Robin was so easy. She doesn’t remember it ever being this easy around anyone. It was never this easy with her past friends. It was never this easy with Steve. It was never this easy with Jonathan.
They were practically inseparable after pancake day. Robin would just appear at Nancy’s house or in front of her in the middle of a run or other random places. She’d invite her back to her place for food or for a drive around town.
And by inviting her for a drive around town it was Robin sweetly smiling at her and asking if Nancy would drive them around because Robin thought seeing the town by car was peaceful but Robin didn’t have a car or her license yet.
The next few weeks were a dream in the best way. All her problems and the mess in her head weren’t sorted out but she finally felt a little more okay. What more could she ask for.
Nancy met Robin’s mother a handful of times, on the rare occasion she was home the same time as her and Robin, and she had to do her hardest to stay polite when she’d hear “it’s so nice that Robin finally has friends she brings home,” because it wasn’t in a mom being happy for their kid way, it was in an infuriatingly condescending tone directed towards Robin. That wasn’t even the worst part. The worst part was how Robin’s face would plummet and her golden retriever energy and the emotions that were always so clearly displayed on her face would disappear. So Nancy would just talk about how Robin was the best person she’s ever met in response and how she was so lucky to be friends with Robin. She ignored the way Robin’s face lighting up when she’d say that made her insides feel ridiculously warm and happy.
Robin called her one evening saying she was heading to Steve’s place and asked if Nancy was up for joining. Nancy hadn’t been back to Steve’s house in a while and it only had bad memories. When Nancy immediately didn’t answer Robin started to ramble about how it was okay if she didn’t want to come and that she shouldn’t feel obligated because she’d asked.
Nancy didn’t feel ready to fully explain but she just muttered something about bad memories and Robin immediately responded with words of comfort and saying they could come to her place. Nancy didn’t miss the strain in Robin’s voice when she talked about her home. There was something off about Robin all week - Nancy knew it had something to do with her mom so she took a deep breath and told Robin that she’d be at Steve’s in an hour.
“It’s okay if I feel like I need to leave right,” she felt like a small child asking but she needed verbal confirmation that if she freaked out it would be okay.
“For sure,” Robin quickly replied, “I’d come with you.”
It was as simple as that.
To her surprise she didn’t freak out but when the door of the house opened to reveal Steve and her body moved before her mind and she wrapped her arms around Steve and hugged him tighter than she ever had before. He didn’t say anything and she didn’t say anything. They didn’t need to.
When she pulled away he just grinned down at her, “It’s good to see you again Nance.”
They spent the night baking a cake. Well, it was more like her and Steve watching Robin bake a cake and Robin slapping their hands away when they tried to help because “you guys are dumb in the kitchen.” When Nancy asked her why bake a cake Robin had replied by saying it’s always time for cake and then sheepishly fiddled with the rings on her finger when she glanced at Steve, “it’s uh, it’s actually my birthday tomorrow, and I like cake.”
Nancy just stared at her before punching her shoulder because how could she not tell Nancy. Then Robin started rambling about how “it’s just awkward dude to like randomly say it’s my birthday,” and “like it’s just weird,” and “you didn’t even tell me when your birthday is so I had to ask Steve and-”. Nancy had just slapped her hand over Robin’s mouth and glared at her.
“You’re something else Robin Buckley,” and Robin just stared at her with bright blue eyes and a stupid grin on her face.
Watching Robin and Steve’s dynamic was sweet. They acted like two siblings that pretended to hate the other’s presence when secretly they were each other’s favorite people in the world. How did she ever think they were dating?
Then one day she was about to fall asleep in bed and she heard a knock at her door. Wait, it was coming from the window, not the door. Steve? He was the only idiot that would come up to her window. Then she quietly walked over to the window to see Robin staring at her. She quickly opened it up and was about to ask Robin if she was okay when the taller girl wrapped her in a hug and wow she’d never been hugged by Robin before. It was nice, like really really nice.
“You okay?” Robin just shook her head and Nancy steered the taller girl into her bed and laid beside her.
“Is it the Russians?” Robin shook her head again.
Nancy paused, “your mom?”
That did it. Before she could blink, Robin curled into her side, clutched at her shirt, and started shaking and Nancy could feel tears hit her collarbone. All the people in her life should never be sad but Robin especially because the girl was the warmest and most comforting presence in Nancy’s life and it really hurt to see her like this.
She softly muttered “it’s okay” when Robin kept on saying “sorry” and Nancy didn’t know exactly what was going on but she wanted to run over to Robin’s house and yell at her mother because Robin was too good for her.
Nancy ran her hand up and down Robin’s back as her sobs subsided and Robin’s grip on her loosened. She said sorry again as she pulled away from Nancy’s grip but Nancy moved her hand from Robin’s back to hold her forearm and tell her that there wasn’t a single thing to apologize for. She didn’t let go until she felt Robin got the point.
After a few minutes of silence, she turned her head to look at Robin and asked, “do you want to talk about it.”
Robin didn’t answer immediately but Nancy stayed silent and let Robin find the words. “I want to tell you, but I don’t want you to hate me.”
And Nancy was so incredibly confused because there was no world in which she could hate Robin. There was no world where she could hate the girl that easily shoved the loneliness away and made her feel so wanted.
“Robin, look at me,” and the girl turned her head to look at Nancy and it was crazy how pretty her eyes were even when they were a little red and shining with tears, “there’s nothing you could do to make me hate you.”
Robin just stared at her and then sat up, shifting further away from Nancy. She tried to not to think about how she missed the close proximity. Robin pulled her knees up to her chest and quietly said, “I know you say that, but if you hate me or if you don’t want to be around me after I tell you, then that’s okay.”
“Okay.”
She wanted to argue further about how it was impossible to hate Robin, but she realized now wasn’t the time and that she should let Robin talk before she lost the words.
“I’m,” she paused and sighed, “do you remember the other day, in the car, when we were talking about crushes and first kisses and stuff.”
Nancy nodded, because all of her interactions with Robin for the past few weeks were vivid and clear in her mind and also because that night had stood out. It had stood out because Robin barely spoke but instead avoided any questions about crushes and deflected it to be about Nancy. Nancy didn’t think too much about it, because maybe she was just shy about romantic stuff. Later she found it a bit odd, because Robin never seemed to be shy about much.
“You remember how I kind of just avoided any questions and stuff,” Robin tilted her head down so it was fully buried between her chest and knees and Nancy could barely make out her next words, “it’s because I’ve never kissed anyone.”
Nancy frowned, because sure it was a little odd but that was okay - plenty of people don’t have their first kisses for a while. She was about to open her mouth to say that when Robin continued.
“I’ve only ever had crushes on girls,” and Nancy had to strain her ears to hear but there was no doubt about what Robin had said.
Okay, that was okay. Nancy had only ever heard, in passing, about how it was wrong for boys to like boys and girls to like girls in a romantic way. She never gave it much thought because it wasn’t something that was relevant to her. She frowned, not sure how to react but this was Robin Buckley. This was someone who had quickly become her favorite person in the world. There was no way that Robin was wrong for liking other girls. It was Robin. There wasn’t much wrong she could do in Nancy’s eyes.
She stared at Robin, who still had her head buried in her knees and moved closer to her. Robin looked up when Nancy placed her hand on her knee and she smiled softly at her, “I don’t hate you and I still want to be around you.”
Robin was crying again and it was a bit awkward because they were sitting on her bed but Nancy managed to hold her tight. “I’m so lucky to have you in my life,” Robin said and Nancy felt herself warm from the inside out.
“I’m so lucky too.”
They laid down again and Nancy ignored Robin’s protests about how she didn’t want to make Nancy uncomfortable by sharing a bed.
She learned about how Robin had come out to her mom in the heat of the moment during an argument. She learned about the dread Robin felt as soon as those words came out and how devastated she felt when her mom talked about “hell” and how she was “messed up” and there was “no way she was her daughter”. Nancy just moved closer to her and told her that her mom sucked and Robin let out a small laugh because “I can’t believe I have a friend like you.”
The last weeks of summer break were spent with Nancy and Robin attached at the hip. Robin regained her golden retriever energy and everything felt okay again.
Nancy eventually opened up to Robin about the time Will disappeared and what happened to Barb. She rambled on about the guilt she felt and how she felt like she was an awful person and didn’t deserve good things in life. Robin let her talk and stayed silent and just placed one protective arm around her shoulder. She told Robin about her worries and anxieties and fears. Robin didn’t interrupt her and stayed uncharacteristically quiet. When Nancy finally ran out of words, Robin just said, “you’re not a bad person Nancy, and do you want me to give you advice?” she asked quickly, “because I know sometimes I’m just supposed to listen and people don’t always want advice so I don’t want to give you advice you don’t want but I also want to help you really realize you’re a good person despite what happened.”
Nancy had stayed silent because how was Robin even real. She was perfect. When Nancy told her she wouldn’t mind some advice, Robin started to speak, “I’m not going to say you shouldn’t feel guilty because that’s just dumb, but mistakes don’t make you a bad person. You caring so much is like the most obvious sign that you’re a good human. I don’t really know Barb but something tells me she wouldn’t blame you and she’d probably just roll her eyes at you because she knows you’re not to blame.”
Robin made it sound so easy. Robin was also right.
“You should maybe see the school counselor or something,” Robin ignored Nancy’s protests about how she didn’t need to, “I know you can’t talk about the upside down stuff but I don’t know, maybe it would help to have someone that’s a professional lessen the grief and guilt.”
“I’ll always be there to listen to you when you need it but,” Robin shrugged, “I can’t give you the help you might always need.”
Nancy quietly thought about how wrong that was because Robin always said exactly what she needed.
“I’ll think about it.”
“That’s all I ask.”
It was a quiet evening, the week before school would start, with Nancy sitting atop the counter at the Family Video store as Robin attended to customers and Steve organized something in the back when she realized she had a huge crush on her best friend. The thought should have terrified her but how could it when Robin felt so perfectly safe. Her eyes couldn’t pull away from Robin even if she tried. The way she would talk to customers about the movies they picked out and would start rambling about the actors or something loosely related and then would catch herself and chuckle a little made Nancy’s heart ache in the best way because god Robin was precious.
Her outfit was stupidly attractive with the button down, tie, and rolled up sleeves. When the last customer left the store and Robin locked the door and flipped the sign to close she walked up to her and Nancy did her best to lift her head to make eye contact because holy shit she really did have a crush on her best friend. She’d never found a girl attractive like this before. She’s never found anyone as attractive as this before, girl or boy. But she definitely liked boys so how could she like Robin too. Nancy didn’t really have answers to any of that but all she knew was that everything felt better at Robin’s side.
Robin hopped up onto the counter right next to her. “What are you thinking about, you look deep in thought,” she asked, bumping her shoulder against Nancy.
“You’re so hot,” Nancy blurted out and Nancy immediately blushed because that wasn’t what she meant to say even if it was true. It was a weird feeling to feel like she wasn’t fully in control of the words coming out of her mouth, but she blamed Robin for making her brain short circuit.
Robin turned red and stammered out a “thank you” and a “you’re hot too” although that last statement sounded more like a question like she still couldn’t comprehend what Nancy had said.
“Can I kiss you,” she whispered and she turned to look at Robin whose mouth was slightly open in shock.
“Promise me you’re not joking,” she whispered back and Robin’s voice has never sounded so soft and delicate.
“Promise.”
Nancy turned her body so she was fully facing Robin and carefully placed her hand on Robin’s neck and brushed her thumb against her jawline. She drank in the way that Robin turned even more red and how she could hear her take in a deep shaky breath. Her eyes were a brighter blue from this angle and her freckles stood out against her skin and Nancy could stare at her all day. It had never felt like this with anyone else.
She leaned in and saw Robin’s eyes flutter shut before hers did the same. Her lips met Robin’s softly and they moved against each other hesitantly but so sure and Nancy felt like she was burning in everything good in the world. A gentle hand found its way to grip at her waist and hesitant lips turned more sure. She couldn’t help the way her tongue brushed against Robin’s bottom lip and the gasp that escaped her when Robin allowed her tongue to slip in. Of course kissing Robin felt just as perfect as everything else with her.
Their lips finally came apart when Nancy needed air and she kept her eyes shut as she placed her forehead against Robin’s, her hand never leaving Robin’s neck and Robin’s hand still firmly gripping her hip.
She felt Robin’s breath against her face, “holy shit,” was all she heard and she let out a laugh because holy shit was so true. That was the kind of kiss she only thought happened in romance novels.
Robin pulled back so she was staring at Nancy and Nancy had to let her hand fall from Robin’s face and fall to grip her knee.
“Where did that come from,” Robin asked with a shaky laugh.
“I think I’ve wanted to do that since the day you interrupted my run.”
“You’re a dream Nancy Wheeler.”
And Robin was tugging Nancy towards her as they were kissing again. Nancy reorientated herself, lips never leaving Robin’s, and tried to get as close as possible. It was a little awkward because they were still sitting on the counter of the store, but Nancy needed to feel as much of Robin as possible. She tilted her head to capture Robin’s lips better and the taller girl let out a little sigh and it made Nancy’s heart happy that Robin was enjoying this as much as her.
Nancy was happy to spend the rest of the night making out with Robin at the Family Video store but she heard someone clear their throat from behind them. She quickly detached her lips from Robin’s and felt panic fill her mind and turned around to see Steve. She was about to blurt out a bad excuse for why she was a girl kissing a girl.
Was he smiling?
“Let’s go Buckley! You got the girl!” he grinned.
She heard Robin groan but saw the smile on her face as she leaned her head to rest against Nancy’s shoulder.
“I’m happy for you two,” he said genuinely and Nancy was overcome with affection for Steve Harrington because sure he was her ex but he had also quickly become a great friend, “promise I won’t tell anyone.”
The last statement was clearly directed towards her, she probably still looked panicked. “You two head home, I’ll close up for the night.”
Robin half heartedly protested and he just smiled, “I’ve got a date next Friday, you can take my shift.”
Robin agreed and they slipped off the counter and Robin’s hand slipped into hers. Nancy squeezed her hand and Robin turned to give her a little smile and Nancy never knew she could feel this happy.
Nancy had gone from being convinced that this would be the worst summer to holding hands with the prettiest girl in the world. She was a bit biased.
Nancy had almost convinced herself that she wouldn’t find happiness and sometimes she felt like she didn’t deserve it, but then came Robin. Robin was the best part of a warm summer’s day. She felt warm, safe, and free. Robin was unlike anyone Nancy’s ever met. She was perfect parts charming and awkward. There was still so much to talk about and so much for Nancy to figure out about herself but for now she was perfectly happy soaking in the happiness that came with being in the presence of Robin.