Chapter Text
“Go back to Vers.”
“Pardon, sir?” Harklight was at a loss for words.
“Your father collapsed, right? What sort of son does not go back home to care for his family when his own father has fallen ill?” Slaine’s eyes were cold, and Harklight could not tell what the younger boy was truly thinking behind those blue eyes.
“I cannot, Milord. There are only three months before contact with the Trident Base. I cannot allow myself to part from you during such an important time on personal business.” He couldn’t allow himself to leave Slaine when he was still his only ally.
The trip to and back from Vers could take easily a month even with Aldnoah powered technology. Harklight felt a chill go down his spine at just the thought of what people who thought ill of Slaine might do when they saw that Harklight was no longer in the way. While he had the protection of Saazbaum’s name behind him, Slaine Troyard was still a Terran and to the battered and bitter soldiers of Vers, that in itself was damning.
Harklight had never felt so powerless before serving under Slaine. As one of a third class birth, he had always ran into wall after wall of obstacles, but he had always felt that there was something, no matter how small, that he could do. It was hopeless to dream of comfort and peaceful life, but when he had first received his first promotion and sent back his first paycheck to his family, he did surely touch the physical manifestations of his efforts. He was not so young as to think there was nothing out of his reach as long as he tried, but Harklight did indeed believe he could make a difference.
But there was nothing he could do about the racism ever so deep in the blood of Versians. No matter how many victories Slaine won, no matter how much he gave to the war effort, no matter how many times he stained his hands with the blood of his kind, there would be those who would still spit on it all. And there was nothing Harklight could do except to continue to loyally serve him and Slaine wouldn’t even accept that.
He recalls how he could only help his master gather his bearings after taking the full brunt of years of resentment and jealousy. He recalls how Slaine would look at him with those grateful eyes for simply just helping him up and bandaging his wounds. He recalls the embarrassed flush that spread across that pale face when he had first expressed his admiration for his younger superior.
They were all nothing! They were all such normal things and yet, Slaine had smiled as if Harklight was showing him a brand new world and that was the most infuriating thing of all.
It pained him how he hadn’t truly given him anything and yet he received such sincere feelings. It made him feel dirty.
If he were to go back to Vers now, he would be going back home to the warm smiles of his mother and younger siblings, all while Slaine would be completely alone in this den of wolves. How did he expect him to laugh with those who would unconditionally love him while Slaine believed he had no one? He imagined Slaine’s lonesome figure and he couldn’t bring himself to even consider going back. Yes, he could speculate from his mother’s tone of voice that his father might not live much longer, but there were also duties and obligations he had here.
He stopped in his tracks. Since when did he start prioritizing his duty over his family? No, it wasn’t really his duty that was keeping him on the moon.
He looked into Slaine’s blue eyes again and felt his chest tighten.
His conviction hardened. There was no way he could abandon this boy. It was a funny thought, really. To think of this Knight who had made his name one to be feared by Martians and Terrans alike as a boy.
But to Harklight, that’s exactly what Slaine Troyard was. A boy.
A boy who was desperately trying to act like an adult.
Master Slaine, you probably don’t realize it yourself and I’ve probably turned the other way up until now, thinking it was for your sake to do so, but it seems I was wrong.
Lonely, lonely. I’m lonely.
It was truly fascinating how much Slaine’s eyes spoke more than his mouth did. Chuckling at the memory of how his brother had teased him with the ‘dead fish-eyes’ nickname, Harklight felt more light-hearted than he had in a while.
This is not out of duty. It’s what I want.
Surely his family would forgive him for being selfish just this once?
“I would like to stay by your side, Master Troyard.” It was slightly embarrassing to say it in words, but Harklight felt like it must be said.
He has to let this boy know. Let him know that you are not alone.
I will always be by your side. I will always be your ally.
“This is an order, Harklight. I won’t say it again.”
“Go back.”
“It’s Hark!!” His sister screamed the moment he opened the door to his house and tackled him. “Mommy! It’s Hark! It’s Hark!!”
“Harklight!?” His mother quickly wiped her hands on her apron before rushing over to the door and pulling him into a tight hug. “I can’t believe it...Why?”
His lips tightened and bitterness overwhelmed his senses. “Superior’s orders.”
His mother seemed to have noticed his mood change, but decided not to comment on it. “Come sit down, I’m almost done making dinner.”
He set down his bag by the door and took in a long look of the room---his...home.
The smell of the slums was familiar to his nose. He never did get used to how cleanly and stale the air on the Moonbase and landing castles was like.
This was where he was born and this was where he would come back to. It was his place.
“Hark! I missed you...I missed you so much...” His little sister cried while clinging onto his clothes. He couldn’t help but smile.
Sweeping her up into his arms, he gently caressed her hair. It was soft to touch and it reminded him of another’s hair flowing through the light. “I missed you too, Ophelia.”
He felt another small body tackle him from behind. He turned his head down and saw it was his little brother, his face buried deep within his pants leg so that he couldn’t see what expression he was making.
Harklight kneeled down while still carrying Ophelia and stroked his fingers through Horatio’s hair.
“Come on, Horatio. Why are you crying? Didn’t you tell me when I left that you’d become strong enough to protect Ophelia and mother by yourself?” He gently chided and chuckled when Horatio raised his head, face messy with tears.
“I, I am not crying!!”
Don’t say that with snot hanging from your nose. Harklight laughed and scooped up Horatio into his arms as well.
Horatio quickly stuffed his face into Harklight’s chest, but Harklight found that he didn’t mind if his clothes got dirty.
“You’re here anyway...” He heard Horatio mumble. “You’re here now so I don’t have to be......Haaark...!”
Horatio started to wail which caused Ophelia’s dried eyes to tear up again.
In the background, he could hear his mother chiding the two for troubling him when he was still tired from the long trip.
Wrapped in the warmth of the children’s heat, Harklight felt like he had truly come home.
Though the image of a pale blonde trembling in a corner alone never left his mind.
“So...What brings you back?” His mother asked while they were both settled around the table. The clock read 11 PM and the kids were already tucked into bed. Ophelia had tried her best to stay up to stick by Harklight’s side as if she was afraid he would leave while she was asleep, but eventually she couldn’t win against her need for sleep and knocked out with her small hand still grasping Harklight’s hand.
“I said it earlier, didn’t I?” Harklight darkly remembered his last words with Slaine. He remembered the frail back of his master when he walked away from him. He couldn’t disobey orders. He couldn’t reach him.
He was painfully reminded him of his place. Three steps behind, never by his side.
“Quite a strange one, isn’t he?” His mother mused. “I’ve never heard of sending back one of your subordinates back home during a war to visit his family. Not that I’m not grateful! I...thought I’d never see you again, Harklight.”
His mother drew closer and took his hands into hers. Gently stroking them like she did when he was young, she kissed his forehead and whispered, “Thank you for being safe. Welcome back home, Harklight.”
Home.
That’s right, Harklight. Isn’t this what you’ve worked your whole life for?
Who did their best to raise you?
Who slaved away day and night for you?
Who embraced you when you were cold?
Who have you been fighting for this entire time?
Where do your loyalties lie?
Don’t allow yourself what they cannot have, Harklight.
His father was still in the hospital so he couldn’t see him right away, but his mother mentioned that they could go visit him tomorrow. As a family.
The thing Slaine did not possess even when Harklight had offered his hand.
He thinks to himself how he still desperately wishes he could be by that boy’s side even so.
“Harklight...!?” His father shouted out in surprise the moment he saw Harklight’s face. “What? Huh?”
He couldn’t help but smile. His father had always been a stern man, one of few words, so it was amusing to see him so flustered. He had no doubt in his mind that he was loved, but his father had a hard time expressing it unlike his mother who was straight forward to the point it was embarrassing for everyone except her. He definitely took after his father.
Harklight furrowed his brow looking at his father. He was relieved that he was receiving proper care, though where the money for this came from, he did not know. He knelt beside the hospital bed and took his hand into his. “I’m back, father.”
“Welcome back home, Harklight.” His father smiled weakly at him.
His mother left to spoke with some nurses while Ophelia and Horatio jumped onto the bed to hug their father.
His father’s hands were much smaller than he remembered them being. These were the hands that worked tirelessly to support him. These were the hands that pulled Harklight along when he was tired and wanted to give up. These were the hands that held him with such strength that Harklight felt like there was nothing to fear of in the world.
Had they always been this frail?
He looked at his father again. His cheeks were hollow. His face sagged with wrinkles. His hair was white.
This was the father he had missed seeing while he was gone.
These hands were no longer the strong hands that supported him. They were ones that needed support themselves.
And who else was there but Harklight to do so?
For your family, Harklight.
“You feeling okay, Hark?” Ophelia asked him when they returned from the hospital. She tugged his pants leg and looked up at him with worried eyes.
He shook his head free of what he was thinking about. How could he let his younger sister worry about him? Get it together.
“I’m fine, Ophelia.” He tried comforting her with a smile, but she didn’t seem so convinced and stumbled back. She took a long look at his face before running away into the room she shared with Horatio.
“If you keep looking like that, I’d want to run away too.” His mother lightly patted his shoulder. Even she looked tired, older now.
“Do...I look that bad?” He slowly questioned. It must have been the shock from seeing his once fearsome father so weakened.
He had at best two months left, the doctors estimated. It wasn’t exactly outside of Harklight’s expectations. The only decent paying jobs people from the third class could get were dangerous and dealt with chemicals and fumes that couldn’t be safe for the human body.
Poisonous fumes and residues left in the air were common problems of drilling deeper into the surface of Mars for raw materials. Harklight bitterly thinks about how the Kats the nobles possessed and the grand landing castles they showed off were all built on the backs of those who had no choice.
The average age of those working in such mines was 24 years old. His father was already approaching 60. He had worked in those mines for almost his entire life, all to feed his family. And what had he been doing?
Harklight wanted to weep for his father. He couldn’t allow him to suffer any longer. He was no longer the young boy who cried after falling down. He was no longer the one who needed help up.
He was the one who would support them from now on. Wholeheartedly.
I’m sorry, Master Slaine.
You were right to reject my hand.
His mother kept glancing up at him as if to silently ask if he was okay. He couldn’t let her keep worrying. He was going to be the head of this household from now on.
“I’ll go apologize to Ophelia.” Not yet able to look at her in the eye in fear that she would see every filthy emotion running through his veins, he rushed towards the room his younger siblings shared.
Cautiously opening the door, he peered in to find the two were playing with some makeshift dolls.
“For the glory of Vers!! I, Count Horatio, will defeat you dirty Terrans!!” Horatio shouted while waving his arm holding the doll around.
“Just try!” Ophelia squealed while throwing around her doll.
Horatio dodged her throw and laughed. “Ha! You think your stupid Terran craft can defeat the power of Aldnoah!?”
He quickly ran over to where the doll was and crushed it in his hand. “You’re dead, Terran!”
“No fair!” Ophelia looked like she was going to cry. “Why am I always the Terran!?”
“Because I’m the Count, duh.”
“That’s not fair!! I want to be a Count too! I don’t want to be a dirty Terran! I always lose!”
“Terrans are supposed to die, gosh, don’t you know anything?”
Harklight was stunned. Since when did these two start thinking this way?
It was only a game, but Harklight could see the traces of real venom for Terrans in it. This was how it started. This was how the next generation was being bred into hating the enemy.
They were a foe to be crushed.
They were foolish, inferior.
They had it coming to them.
They were less than human.
Harklight couldn’t stop himself. He rushed in and quickly grabbed the two dolls from Horatio’s hands. Horatio and Ophelia looked at him with wide eyes.
“Where did you learn this game?” His voice was low and dark and he could tell they were getting scared, but he couldn’t control himself.
“F...Francis taught me...” Horatio stuttered.
“You’re not allowed to talk to him anymore.”
“What? Why!?” Horatio couldn’t understand and that was more distressing to Harklight than the game itself.
“Because he teaches you such hateful games.”
“Terrans are suppo—“
“Terrans!” He shouted, silencing Horatio. “Loud, abrasive, crude, ugly, stupid. Undeserving of the home planet. Vile creatures that deserve to die to the full might of the glorious Vers Empire. That’s what they all are, right!?”
“.......Y, yeah.” Horatio stammered out.
“Then why!? Why is the most beautiful and kindest person I have ever met a Terran!?” Horatio and Ophelia flinched from the sheer intensity of the anger in his words.
Why? If Slaine wasn’t a Terran, would Harklight have been able to reach out to him?
Would he have been able to give him something of worth?
Would the boy have accepted him?
Would he have been able to stay by his side?
He wanted to yell at Slaine, asking him why he was who he was. It was selfish and unfair, but he couldn’t stop wishing.
He wanted the right to walk by his side, not behind. He wanted to be relied on. He wanted him to tell him his greatest fears. He wanted him to tell him about his dreams. He wanted to be able to laugh with him, smile with him. He wanted to become his family. He wanted to become the place he could call home.
Terran.
That’s all it was. A word. A stupid, worthless six letter word.
And yet why did it keep him so far away from that beautiful smile?
He looked up at his siblings, not surprised to see them crying.
Aah, what are you doing, Harklight?
What did you swear just moments before?
Are you going to betray your real family just like that?
Are you going to abandon your flesh and blood?
What about your father? Mother? Siblings?
Are you going to let them suffer for your own selfish desires?
After all they did for you?
Words wouldn’t come out. He wanted to reach out to them, to comfort them. He couldn’t abandon them, they were his family. But he also couldn’t give up on Slaine. He didn’t want to let go of either.
He never realized he was so selfish.
Giving up on things came easily to him, but there was not a single part of him that wanted to give up on one for the other.
His family and Slaine. They were equally precious. It was cruel to make him choose.
Let me have just this.
I’ve given up on enough, haven’t I?
“Harklight.” It was his mother. She swiftly hushed the crying Horatio and Ophelia and motioned for him to come with her out of the room.
She walked out of the house and Harklight silently followed behind.
They walked for a while without a word being exchanged between them. Harklight looked at everywhere except at his mother. He looked at the shabby shops and dusty roads. He looked at the people laughing despite the hardships of the day. He looked at this place where he was raised and realized he was no longer truly a part of it and did not want to be.
“Can you see what they call ‘stars’ from space?” His mother was the one to break the silence.
“...Yes. I consider it one of the few perks of the job.” Feeling uncomfortable, he tried lightening the mood though his usually sunny mother did not laugh.
“It must be lovely.” She whispered, still walking on. “It was my childhood dream, you know. I wanted to pilot a Kat in space and just gaze at the stars.”
Harklight couldn’t find a proper response to that. He knew that his mother married young and soon became pregnant with him so it must have been impossible for her to join the military. She had given up on her dream for him.
He was overwhelmed again with a sense that he was being selfish. Yet, he still couldn’t let go.
“Hey, Harklight.” She finally turned around him and he was surprised to see she was smiling. “What’s your dream?”
His dream...His mouth automatically opened up to say his family’s happiness, but his mother’s sharp eyes stopped him in his tracks. She would not allow that answer because she knew that wasn’t it.
But what was his dream really?
He had lived his life so far only thinking about how to get to the next goal post. Others were tools. It seemed cold, but what could one do when from the moment you were born, others had decided your life was simply just worth less. There was no moment in his daily life that he did not think about how not all people were truly people in every action he took, every meal he ate, and every person he met.
His mother’s eyes told him she would not forgive him if he used their family as an excuse.
She knew he already knew what he wanted.
“My dream...is to be someone who can stand by that person’s side. I...want to become that person’s dream.” His home. His family. His place to be.
“See!” His mother’s finger flicked him on the forehead. Astonished, he couldn’t even react. How did a woman in her 40s catch a trained soldier off guard? “Now wasn’t that easy?”
“Huh?” He could only let out a pathetic sound.
“You think too much. You always did. Your father and I worried about that a lot when you were younger.” She sighed and then, grinned like a cat at him.
She suddenly embraced him into a tight hug. He felt his face catch on fire. They were out in public and there were still people outside.
“M, Mother!” He tried wiggling away but her grip was strong and he found he couldn’t shake her off.
“Hey, Harklight.” Her voice was solemn and he stopped struggling. “You’re a grown man now.”
He couldn’t see where she was going with this.
“Isn’t it amazing? I used to be able to hold you with one arm and now look. I have to look up to see your face. You used to tell me all the time how mother is the best! The prettiest! The nicest! Remember how you came up to me one day when you were five and told me you couldn’t get married because no one could compare to me?”
“Mother! That was how many years ago!?” He was getting flustered beyond belief.
She pulled away and looked at him. “And now look at you. I’m not the prettiest or kindest person in your life anymore, right? That title belongs to that person, right?”
“...Yes.” It felt so easy to accept it.
“Haha, you’re so honest! At least that doesn’t change.” She smiled at him and then tossed her hair behind her and struck a pose. “Well, maybe if I was a bit younger, you know, I could still compete with the best of them.”
“That wouldn’t change how that person is as beautiful as the stars in my eyes. They would still be the most beautiful person I know.”
“Gods, how I wish your father was half as romantic as you are!” She slapped her hand onto her face. “Let your mother have some face, will you?”
“I apologize.” He finally was able to smile in what felt like a long time.
“But knowing you, you’re probably as stiff as a stick in front of them, right?”
“...That’s not true.”
“Don’t bother trying to lie to your mother.” She side eyed him. “If you’re going to win her heart, you have to be more open about your feelings! You can’t expect her to be as good as reading you as I am.”
He stopped. He was unsure if he should tell his mother, but if they’ve come this far, he wanted to let her know.
“It’s not a her.”
“What?”
He found himself avoiding her eyes again.
“Oh.” She stared blankly at him. “Pardon me then. If you’re going to win his heart, you have to be more open about your feelings. Even more so, actually!”
“...That’s it?”
“What’s there more to say? It’s someone you chose after all.” She gently smiled and held his hands again. “I do admit I’m disappointed I’ll have to wait longer to see the faces of my grandchildren, but I think I can wait a bit longer. Horatio is more popular with the ladies than you were too.”
“As long as I have Master Slaine, I don’t need to be popular.”
His mother stopped walking. “Slaine...? Wait, your superior?”
“Do you know of him?” He guessed it wasn’t too far-fetched. Slaine had been making a name for himself and he was more liked by the lower classes.
“...Hey, Harklight.” She smiled ever so gently and happily at him. “I think you’re right.”
“About what?”
“That boy might possibly be the kindest person I’ve ever met.”
They had walked in a circle and were approaching the house.
“Hey, Harklight.”
“Yes, Mother?”
“You really don’t have to choose, did you know?”
He didn’t understand what she meant.
“Family or your dream. You have to choose one or the other.” She grinned. “Is what you’re thinking, right?”
She had hit it right on the money. Harklight wasn’t even surprised.
“Let your mother teach you a little trick then so you don’t have to.”
Did such a method even exist?
How could it when they were on different sides of the solar system?
“It’s simple...Just make that dream boy of yours family. Then all you have to do is choose your family. Right?”
He was speechless. It was simple, almost too simple. Yet, he felt like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders.
He was being allowed to pursue both, no that one path.
“Hark!!” Ophelia and Horatio ran out of the door and tackled Harklight. Their tears stained his pants again. “We’re sorry...We’re sorry...”
A pang of guilt hurt his chest. He forgot that they had left them after he had just blown up on them. “No, I’m the one who should apologize. It wasn’t right for me to yell about something that wasn’t really your fault.”
“No, we made you sad!” Ophelia cried out. “I hate it when people make fun of the people I love too!”
“L, Love?”
“She must be prettier than mommy if Hark likes her that much.” Horatio speculated and Harklight could hardly keep a shrill from rising out his throat. Horatio looked a bit embarrassed as he scratched his cheek. “Well, there’s this girl I know too and I—“
“I knew it! You said you didn’t like her!” Ophelia jumped on him.
“I, I don’t!”
“Liar, liar, pants on fire!”
The two ran inside with Horatio chasing after Ophelia. It was as if their tears from moments before were a lie.
“Children are so fickle.” His mother said while looking upon them with warm eyes. “Seems like you’ll need to answer their expectations now. And mine of course. I want pictures of your little crush.”
“Mother!” He had never been teased so often by his family.
“But do you see now?” She smiled at him and warmth spread throughout his body to the ends of his fingers tips.
“Am I really allowed this?” He still felt hesitant.
His mother slapped his back. “Come on! You’re such a coward when it counts.”
“We’re your family, Harklight. Just as you wish for our happiness, we wish the same upon you.” She hugged him again and stroked his hair. “You’re allowed to pursue your own happiness. You’re allowed to be selfish. No one has the right to take that away from you. Not the nobles, not your superiors, not us, and especially not yourself.”
His arms slowly wrapped around her as well and he realized just how small she seemed now. But that did not change how she was so, so warm.
“So, seriously, send me pictures of your dates, okay?”
“Mother!!”
Harklight stared at the red planet. He was on board of a shuttle back to the Moonbase. Still hesitant on leaving his family alone when he knew his father had little time left, he was practically pushed onto the shuttle by his mother and younger siblings.
As for his father, he had simply smiled and hugged him as well.
“That’s a good look you have there now, Harklight.”
He was acknowledged. He was given permission. No, he was given his father’s blessings.
He’s lucky, he thinks to himself. To be blessed with such a wonderful family. They’ve given him more than a home to go back to; they’ve given him kindness and warmth that he could now share with others.
And there was only one other that he wanted to share it with.
Sir Slaine Troyard.
He recalls the younger boy’s pale blonde hair, how soft it looked to touch. He recalls that timid voice that stubbornly called his name with formalities. He recalls those deep blue eyes with shades of green that remind him of the oceans that cover most of Earth. He recalls how they screamed of loneliness when his mouth would not.
I have no regrets left on Vers.
There is no turning back now.
“Please take responsibility for this, Master Slaine.”
There are only two weeks till Harklight’s shuttle lands on the Moonbase. There are only two weeks till Slaine finds himself embarrassed when the first thing Harklight does is kneel at his feet. There are only two weeks till Harklight starts expressing his devotion at every possible opportunity.
There is only a month till Slaine gives up on stopping him from doing it. There is only a month till everyone can see that he enjoys the attention.
There are only two months till the battle of the Trident Base. There are only two months till Slaine lays his hand on the one who he came to love as his father.
There are only two months till Harklight would stay right by Slaine’s side, holding his hand as the newly appointed Count—no, young boy—would cry from regret and realization that he was no better than any of the lives he took and that the path he walked on was one of no light or hope.