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It was fascinating how someone could completely and utterly avoid something that’s happened and simply continue as if nothing even happened to begin with.
They were now finishing highschool— neck deep in studies and preparations for university entrance exams and it’s been almost full three years since the event in question, but it’s not like Porsche was counting.
He vaguely remembers jumping off of Kinn and rushing to meet their parents, back of his palm wiping away the spit and redness on his lips and praying to Buddha that his breathing was not as erratic as he felt it himself. What the fuck just happened?
That was his only thought for the remainder of the night until he decided to leave with his parents to their house, Porschay staying with Kim; no one had the heart to wake him up once they saw how cute the boys looked snuggled up against each other in Kim’s bed. Porsche had thrown an awkward glance at Kinn while they were walking out, honestly unable to meet the other’s eyes.
He did not sleep that night, at all. He tossed and turned— the heat not helping at all— and it was almost three a.m. when his phone pinged with a message and he cursed himself at the haste with which he got up from his bed to get the phone from the charger on his work desk.
< kinn
are you asleep?
2:47 AM
Porsche’s hands trembled as he opened the message and typed out a reply.
no, can’t sleep
2:49 AM
The message was read immediately and Porsche watched as the speech bubble appeared and disappeared for a minute or so before Kinn’s name and number were flashing on his screen and his phone was vibrating in his palm. He answered immediately, phone display against his ear.
‘Is it okay to call? It’s easier than messaging.’
“Yeah, of course. We talk on the phone all the time.”
A few moments of silence followed.
‘Are you,’ hesitation was evident in Kinn’s voice. ‘Are you okay?’
Porsche was most certainly not okay but he had no idea why. He knew that something had changed between them barely five hours ago, something had shifted but he was honestly not ready to read into what that something might have been.
“Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?” He picked at the skin of his lips nervously. “I was just— flustered. The thought of our parents catching us making out in that hammock somehow felt an idea worse than jumping off a cliff with no parachute.” He could do this, Porsche thought.
On the other end of the line, Kinn let out a breath he did not even realize he’d been holding and laughed into the phone.
‘Yeah, that would have been— awkward.’
“Are- uhm, are you okay?”
‘Yeah, I’m okay too.’
Porsche couldn’t stop himself from asking his next question, chest suddenly tight with anxiety.
“Are we okay?”
There was a short pause on the other side. ‘Of course we’re okay, Porsche. Why wouldn’t we be?’
“You’re right,” he laughed nervously, “It’s just a kiss, nothing has changed between us.” He wanted to slap himself both mentally and physically as soon as that sentence was out of his mouth.
‘Yeah. Just— a kiss.’
Nothing felt right.
“At least we now know that all that fuss was for nothing, honestly don’t know what people see in kissing.”
‘Yeah, same.’
“What I’m glad the most,” Porsche swallowed audibly against his own nervousness, “is that idiot Tawan was not the one who kissed you first. I’m a proud bearer of that title now.”
Kinn’s laughter that rang through the call was more Kinn than anything else for the duration of their call.
‘I’m glad as well it was you, Porsche. See you tomorrow?’
“See you tomorrow. Night, Kinn.”
‘Goodnight, Porsche.’
Porsche was finally able to fall asleep after their call— the only time that they had talked about the kiss for the following three years until they were finishing highschool.
—
It was not easy, avoiding the certain topic, whenever they were around each other.
Life continued with surprising normalcy after their conversation. They’d met the following day and greeted each other as they usually would, talked about all the same things they would usually talk about and laugh at same old jokes as before.
There were moments, Kinn noticed, when they would pull their touches a bit, especially if they were alone. It was awkward, and kind of expected, but it made him feel weird nonetheless.
It was never mentioned again, the kiss. They’ve rushed head first into puberty and hormones and Kinn had noticed changes— Porsche had grown taller, almost as tall as him, and his shoulders had widened and chest filled out; they were both into martial arts and Porsche had fallen in love with Taekwondo, many summer days spent sparring with each other in the shade of the trees in their gardens.
They spent a lot of their time with their younger brothers, watching as they went from one awkward toddler phase to being students in their elementary school— the forest and fireflies their obsession now and Kinn and Porsche were no longer allowed to trespass into their little kingdom.
It made him miss those days. They were so close and so carefree and there was nothing the world could throw their way that they wouldn’t be able to defeat, hand in hand.
They still spent a lot of their free time with just the two of them or in the small circle of their friends who had gotten closer over the span of highschool and now they would often go out in one group.
Kinn would always follow Porsche, his gaze unwavering on the other man as he joked around with his friends, either dancing or flailing his arms —how could he not? Porsche was noticed by everyone, no matter where they went, and it felt strange to see him bask in the attention of others.
Kinn was no stranger to attention himself, of course, but he never paid it too much mind. He knew people were usually more flattering towards people whose physical appearance suited their taste and he had a mirror. What bothered him was that it was that same reason people would approach Porsche as well.
And Porsche was the definition of a social butterfly.
They both turned eighteen that year before it was time for Pete’s birthday— the first friend they made together when the boy transferred to their school in their third year of highschool. They’ve made plans on celebrating— someone had located and abandoned factory not too far from the outskirts of their city and by word of mouth, more than sixty people showed up.
Kinn knew for a fact they did not know that many people even with their personal friendships combined, but whenever there would be a party of that kind, everyone was kind of desperate to attend and let loose; P‘Khun had been the one to provide alcohol, namely beer.
Porsche had left earlier in the day to help Pete and others prepare the space, dragging a bunch of multi-colored lights with them along with some crates, a few old tables and an occasional bean bag. Kinn was stuck with babysitting duty until nine p.m. at which point the party was well underway. Kinn had arrived to the factory some half hour past nine, and followed the lights and pulsating bass towards the source; a crowd of dancing and laughing teenagers greeting him when he finally made his way up to the second floor and into the section of the factory that overlooked the overgrown forest.
It didn’t take him long before his eyes, as if by its second nature, gravitated towards Porsche— surrounded by their friends, mixing drinks at a makeshift table that apparently served as a bar for the night.
Kinn couldn’t avert his gaze. He had seen Porsche dressed up on more than few occasions, most recently when they had celebrated their own birthdays, but the Porsche tonight was nothing like the one from those times and he found himself staring dumbly as the other laughed with their friends, smile so wide and radiant that Kinn felt like a star that’s orbiting around its very own Sun.
Porsche had on dark, washed-out, high-waisted jeans and they framed his hips and waist unlike anything Kinn had seen before. The white dress shirt he had on was half undone— the whiteness of the fabric a stark contrast to the bronze gleam of the skin of his exposed chest.
Kinn most definitely needed a drink.
As he neared their group, he saw the moment Porsche noticed him approaching and his whole body was wrecked with confusion at the way Porsche scanned him from head to toe, his hands faltering slightly while he was pouring beer into an empty cup. Kinn didn’t think twice before walked the final few steps towards the man, took the cup and downed the alcohol in one go, completely ignoring the sound of protest of someone at the table; it was probably their drink.
“Kinn, hi.” He would never get bored of being the object of Porsche’s attention and smiles.
“Hi.” He smiled back and pushed the cup forwards towards Porsche so he could fill it again.
It was going to be a long night.
—
And it was barely two hours into the party that Kinn felt the need to strangle someone.
Porsche’s initial attention on him was short lived before he was being pulled into the dance crowd, drink in hand and the other one changing dance partners as often as one could manage. He was no expert dancer by all means, but Porsche had this natural sense of beat and his body followed fluidly, attracting attention like a flame to moths.
He was particularly irked by the way a newcomer, his own cousin nonetheless, was circling around Porsche like a great white shark craving a place to corner its prey. And Porsche absolutely basked in his attention.
It was probably just the alcohol and the fact that his cousin was flirting with his best friend, but Kinn wanted to strangle them both.
He watched their every move like a hawk and was one step forward when Vegas’ hands settled on Porsche’s waist, rocking them in sync to the beat. He could see that Porsche was visibly tipsy— his laughter more unrestrained and a flush high on his cheeks and he wanted nothing more than to douse his head with water and get him to snap back to his senses; he barely even tolerated Vegas whenever they would run into him.
His body made a decision on its own once he saw that Vegas had pulled their bodies closer together, inching his head closer towards Porsche’s and the other boy was staring at Porsche’s lips and no— Kinn was next to them before he could even think what he was doing, his palm settling on Porsche’s bare chest, separating them. Porsche was startled and looking at Kinn in confusion.
“I gotta talk to you. Can you come with me for a second?”
Before he could wait for the other’s reply, Kinn’s fingers were on Porsche’s wrist and Vegas was left standing in the crowd as Kinn walked them away from the section, towards the stairs that led to the third floor and the roof.
Porsche had followed in silence and only shook free of his grip once they were on the roof, in open air, and away from the bustling crowd; the noise of the party a soft thumping bass underneath their feet.
“What was that?”
Kinn turned around to face him and without hesitation took the man’s drink out of his hand and downed it. “You’ve drank too much.” He crushed the plastic cup in his palm, flinging it somewhere to their right. “I’m just looking out for you, fresh air will help sober you up.”
Porsche laughed, throwing his head back. “Really? I’ve drank too much? Was it not you that’s been refilling cup after cup for the past hour? I’ve been paying attention, too, you know.”
Kinn’s nerves were on fire. “One would think you have been too busy flirting around to notice anything around you.”
Porsche cocked his head to the side, eyes squinting in curiosity. “So that’s what this is about? For once, the attention is on me and not you and you act like a kid who’s had his toy taken from him.”
“You know that’s bullshit.” Kinn could feel his irritation rising and he stepped forward towards Porsche. “I was just trying to stop you from embarrassing yourself in front of all our friends by eye-fucking Vegas, of all people.”
Porsche rose up to the challenge and moved closer as well, fingers going through his hair. “So the problem was not the flirting, but the fact that it was with Vegas?”
Kinn could feel the heat radiating off Porsche’s body and the alcohol in his breath. He clenched his jaw painfully. “You are drunk and he was rubbing himself on you, trying to kiss you. You know that he is a snake—”
“So, what— you decide to cockblock me when I’m having fun? When I’ve barely even had four drinks so far?” Porsche hated himself for raising his voice but he was frustrated out of his mind.
“You should not be having that kind of fun while you’re drunk—”
“Who the fuck says I’m drunk?”
Kinn sighed. “Tipsy, it doesn’t matter. He should not be making advances on you like that.”
“What if I wanted to?”
Their eyes met and Kinn was not ready for the feeling of pure jealousy that surged through his body. “You didn’t. I know you, and I know how much you dislike him.” Porsche had made that final step towards him and all of a sudden they were almost chest to chest, hands brushing for a moment.
“What if I wanted to, now.”
Kinn’s brain short-circuited. “Stop messing around, Porsche.” He put a palm against Porsche's chest once more hoping to distance them enough to form coherent thought— Porsche just pushed further in until they were a breath away and Kinn could feel the warmth of Porsche’s face close to his own.
“Who says I’m messing around? I am clearly asking you to—”
“You’ve been drinking, you’re not thinking rationally.” Kinn felt as if he was about to jump out of his own skin. Porsche’s nose brushed against his and for a split second he was taken back to that humid night three years ago and he knew where this was going.
“Kinn,” he shuddered at the feel of Porsche’s fingers intertwining at his nape. “If you don’t fucking kiss me right now, I’ll—”
His own trembling hands found their place on Porsche’s hips. What the fuck were they doing? “You’ll what?”
“I’ll kiss as many people as needed to forget the urge to kiss you right now.”
And Kinn moved.
Pressing his lips against Porsche’s felt as natural as breathing— the warmth and the taste and the fingers in his hair pulling him in further until he had no other choice but to open his mouth and let Porsche’s in. His own hands were gripping at the other’s hips with fervor and he felt his knees tremble when Porsche ran his tongue over his lower lip, saliva loud in the silence of the night air.
He felt himself moving forward, walking Porsche backwards until they could push against anything and Kinn would almost sigh in relief at the rough wall of the roof entrance behind his palm, had his mouth not been occupied by Porsche who was currently sucking at his tongue.
His own fingers buried themselves in Porsche’s hair and he pressed in until Porsche’s legs gave way and the other spread his thighs apart, allowing Kinn to slot himself in between. He felt a moan on his tongue at the way his hips ground against Porsche’s and they broke apart for the first time, lungs hungry for air.
They stood there—flush against each other—chest heaving and foreheads touching for what felt like an eternity before either of them spoke.
“I’m sorry.” It was Porsche who broke the silence, lips dancing against Kinn’s eyelids and face. “I’m sorry I lied years ago.” Kinn had to press his palm against the concrete, bracing himself; the other palm tangled in Porsche’s dress-shirt.
“It was not just a kiss and nothing has been the same ever since then. I was just so scared to lose you as a friend if I said anything else but that.”
Kinn wanted to punch the damned wall behind them until his knuckles gushed red. Instead he pressed kiss after kiss against Porsche’s shoulder and throat. “No, I am sorry. I should have told you— I— fuck!” He raised his head level with Porsche’s and took the man’s face in his hands, kissing him fully on the lips once again.
“After that night, something inside me changed and I was never able to look at you the same way as before. When we kissed, I— I’ve never felt more alive than in that moment and when you pressed against me and I could feel my own need reflected in your own— I had no idea what I needed. I just knew that I needed you. Then, now and for however long I could have you next to me.”
Porsche was kissing him on the nose gently, fingers soft in his hair. “We’re fucking idiots. We could have been doing this for three years now.”
Kinn couldn’t help but laugh as well.
“I need you to know— no matter how confused that kiss made me feel, I never could have taken the risk of hoping for more and losing you as a friend. Even now, if you were to tell me this was a mistake and that you’re just drunk and it was a game, I would accept it all and act as if nothing happened if it meant we remain friends.”
Porsche was looking at him with such fondness in his eyes, Kinn felt the need to weep.
He pressed a kiss on Kinn’s each eyelid before smiling brightly. “We are best friends, silly. Always and forever, duh.”
“Wanna be more than that?” Kinn asked, chest blooming full of hope and love.
All he got in reply was a soft fuck yeah before Porsche’s lips were on his own again, hearts thrumming to the rhythm of the bass, lost somewhere underneath their feet.
—