Work Text:
Don't you let me slip away
When I fight for silly things
Don't show your back to me
When we fall down together
Don't you let me get away
~
Our eyes are closed
But we know when the sun is near us
We'll be in love forever
—Summer, The Volunteers
“Mmm,” Seungkwan moans, slurping on his milkshake. “I don’t feel bad anymore,” he says, “I deserve this.”
Chan nods from the seat in front of him. “We do.”
Their twice-a-week morning run went maybe too well, Seungkwan is ambitious and competitive, and Chan has never struggled to keep up with him. They ended up exhausting themselves in a stupid attempt to last longer than the other. Chan won in the end, but it’s okay, he spends his days dancing while Seungkwan sits in a classroom full of kids, it’s normal if he has more stamina.
They sit with their milkshakes and their drying sweat in comfortable silence, cooling down, until Seungkwan remembers something he meant to tell Chan before their friendly jogging turned into a marathon.
“Oh, I was gonna tell you. Jun-hyung saw your video.”
“What?” Chan looks up from his cup. “What video?”
“You know, that cool one.” Seungkwan raises his eyebrows meaningfully. “With the sexy choreography.”
Chan frowns. “Did you send that to him?”
“I didn’t. I showed him yesterday at Soonyoung-hyung’s house.” Seungkwan had stopped by his place to have dinner and found Jun already there. In a moment when Soonyoung was in the bathroom, he remembered the video on his phone and thought it was a good idea to show him.
“Uhh, why did you do that?” Chan says. “I sent that to you because you asked about it, but I didn’t tell you to share it.”
“Oh c’mon!” Seungkwan rolls his eyes. “Don’t get mad about it.” How ungrateful, he thinks, he was just trying to push Jun into the right direction.
Chan has been nurturing his incurable crush for Jun for years, since even before they moved in together, and Seungkwan is tired of hearing him talking about the difficulties of wanting to kiss the person you share all your days with. Seungkwan doesn’t know how Jun feels, he’s always been a mystery to him, but he thinks there are chances of him reciprocating Chan’s feelings and knows that with a little help from him they could stop dancing around each other.
“Why did you do it?” Chan says.
“Why not?” Seungkwan shrugs. He didn’t really think much about it at the moment.
“I didn’t want him to see that yet,” Chan says very seriously. It makes Seungkwan slightly confused.
“Well, you didn’t tell me that.”
“Why should I tell you? You should’ve asked me!”
“It’s not that bad, I even talked about your muscles,” Seungkwan says.
Apparently, that makes it worse because Chan covers his face with his hands and groans into them. Honestly, Seungkwan doesn’t see what the problem is.
“Hyung,” he says when he puts his hands down. “I didn’t ask you to do that. You have to stop meddling, seriously. I know what I’m doing.”
“No, you don't,” Seungkwan points out sincerely. “You're gonna end up having an eternal crush on him and never acting on it like you've always done.” Chan has the nerve to look offended, as if Seungkwan wasn’t telling the truth. “No, listen, I’m trying to help, I think you should-”
“No,” Chan interrupts him, “I don't need your advice, actually.” It’s Seungkwan's turn to be offended. So this is what he gets for being a good friend.
He scoffs, slurps the rest of his milkshake loudly, then starts gathering his things. “Well, if you don't want it, then I'll take it somewhere else.” He stands up.
“Wait, are you seriously leaving right now?”
Seungkwan is. “We were almost done anyway,” he says before he starts walking towards the exit.
When he’s opening the door he hears Chan’s voice, but he doesn’t look back. “Wow! You're such an adult, Seungkwan!”
⛅
His anger lasts for a few hours, during which he convinces himself Chan is an ungrateful brat who doesn’t appreciate Seungkwan’s effort to make him happy. But by the time late afternoon arrives and he has spent all his annoyed energy cleaning his apartment, he starts to feel bad. Maybe he shouldn’t have left like that, it was silly.
So, he decides to go to Chan’s apartment and apologise, maybe have some dinner together. Chan told him his brother was visiting him today, but it’s okay. Hansol is nice, he won’t mind if Seungkwan joins them.
When he gets there, Chan seems surprised to see him, but not mad, he probably already let it go too. Hansol is on the couch on his phone, and on their way to the kitchen area Seungkwan sees light coming from Jun’s door down the hallway, so he tries to be quiet when he talks.
“Sorry for leaving this morning,” he says softly.
“You should be.” Chan pours himself a glass of water and doesn’t even offer one to Seungkwan. Okay, maybe he’s still mad. “Are you perhaps sorry about anything else?”
“Sorry about being the best friend ever?” He says it cutely, tilting his voice up, but it doesn’t work, Chan sighs and turns around to leave his glass on the counter.
“Ah Chan-ah, I don’t know why you’re taking it so seriously.”
“Because it is serious.” Chan’s frowning in the same way he did this morning. “You’re playing with something that’s important to me.”
“I’m not playing.” Seungkwan says, almost whines. Chan is not being fair to him.
“You always do this, you interfere with my life. Stop it.”
“Is hyung in his room?” Seungkwan gets surprised by the interruption. He turns around to see Hansol right behind him, apparently unaware of their argument and still looking at his phone.
“Yeah,” Chan tells him. Hansol nods and makes his way to the hallway.
“I don’t do that,” Seungkwan says, going back to their conversation.
“Yes, you do. I…Sometimes I don’t even know if I should tell you what happens between me and Jun-hyung, because you’ll make a big thing out of it.”
It stings. Chan shouldn’t ever hide anything from him. They’re best friends, have been for their whole life, they know everything about each other, the good and the bad, have been with each other during their most important moments. Seungkwan doesn’t even remember what it’s like to live in a world where Chan is not his friend. Not telling him relevant stuff should be completely out of the question.
Seungkwan doesn’t say anything, doesn’t even know how to respond to that, so Chan lets out a frustrated sound. “Try to understand me. I’ll tell you when I need your help, okay? I’m tired of-”
“Tired of what? Of me?” Maybe it’s a little bit dramatic, but Seungkwan thinks it might be true. If Chan tells him he doesn’t need to protect him or do things for him, then what is his role? That’s what he’s always done.
“No, I didn’t say that,” he whispers loudly, clearly getting worked up.
At that point, Hansol comes out of Jun’s room, interrupting their argument again. He tells Chan he’s leaving, grabs his backpack, goes hug him goodbye, pats Seungkwan’s shoulder a few times, and starts to leave. They watch him do it until he finally, when he’s on his way to the door, notices the tension in the room and asks.
“Um, is everything alright?”
Seungkwan makes eye contact with Chan when he speaks. “You know what Hansol? I’m leaving too.”
“No, wait,” Chan tells him, at the same time Hansol says “uhh, okay.” Seungkwan doesn’t want to wait, he feels like coming here was a bad idea.
He doesn’t say goodbye, just walks to the entrance where Hansol is waiting for him with the door open.
“Ugh,” he says when they’re waiting for the elevator. “I didn’t even get to say hi to Jun-hyung.” He likes spending time with Jun, this is all Chan’s fault.
“Were you fighting?” Hansol asks as they go in.
“Yeah,” Seungkwan admits. “Your brother can be an asshole sometimes, you know?”
“Sorry about that,” he says.
Seungkwan laughs softly. “It’s not like it’s your fault.”
“Oh yeah, but in the name of our family I apologise for whatever he said or did.” He uses a serious expression and deep voice to say it. It’s ridiculous, but it makes Seungkwan feel a little better.
“Don’t bother, he’s the one who has to apologise for not wanting to be my friend anymore.”
Hansol looks at him with an incredulous expression. “Alright, I’m sure he didn’t say that.”
“Not explicitly.”
Hansol laughs at him, but other than that they get down and off the elevator in silence. When Seungkwan is about to say goodbye, Hansol speaks before he has the chance to.
“Do you want me to give you a ride?” he asks.
“Isn’t your place in the opposite direction of mine?”
“Oh yeah, I’m actually going to the studio, which is the other way.”
“Working on a weekend?” Seungkwan says teasingly.
Hansol seems embarrassed, rubbing the back of his neck with his hand. It’s cute. “Yeah, I spend a lot of my time there actually, it’s just going to be for a while today though.”
“Okay,” Seungkwan says, pointing in the direction of the parking area. “Let’s go then.”
He doesn’t need to give Hansol directions, he has dropped Chan at Seungkwan’s place many times before. As he drives, they don’t talk about his argument with him, instead they update each other on their lives and decide what music to listen to. Seungkwan does see Hansol quite often, but it’s mostly brief meetings in between seeing Chan, they don’t usually have real conversations. It’s nice to be able to sit together in the dim light of his car — with the fresh wind on their faces and the soft music playing — listening to him, even if it’s not for long.
Just a minute before getting to his apartment, they pass by the place where Hansol says his studio is.
“You've been this close all this time? How have we never run into each other?”
Hansol shrugs while he parks. “I don’t go out much.”
Typical Hansol, Seungkwan thinks. When they were kids, Chan spent all his time playing with Seungkwan while he spent all his time with his headphones and his music, living inside the stories the lyrics and melodies told him. It eventually became his career, which is great, but Seungkwan can imagine he probably has a hard time separating work from hobby.
“Well, thanks for driving me,” he says when he’s opening the passenger door. “And don’t overwork yourself Hansol-ah.”
“Hey, Seungkwan,” he says, making him pause. “You have my number, right?” Seungkwan does. “Text me if you’re ever free, we’re very near so we could, I don’t know, get coffee sometime. I mean, if you wanna complain about Chanie, or whatever.”
Seungkwan laughs. “Okay. That would be nice. I will.”
“Okay.” He nods, looking ridiculously proud of himself. In that moment, the feelings Seungkwan’s fight with Chan had brought up are in the back of his mind, nearly forgotten.
⛅
Sadly, it doesn’t last very long. Seungkwan expects Chan to do what he usually does, text him first dismissing the fight, or maybe even apologising. After all, even if Seungkwan did make a mistake showing the video to Jun — a mistake he’s willing to acknowledge now — Chan made him feel really bad when he was just trying to be a good friend.
But the days go by, and the text never comes. Seungkwan goes to work, spends the whole time busy with the little demons he has to teach, distracted enough not to think about much else, then gets home and waits, sometimes considers texting Chan himself.
In fact, he almost does during his lunch break one day, eager to tell him about the drawing of him a kid made, but then he remembers they are not speaking, and ends up not doing it. He also goes on his Wednesday and Saturday runs, but decides to change the location to the smaller park near his apartment, instead of the usual spot closer to Chan’s.
He’s bored the weekend after the fight, tired from his run and ready to leave all the extra work he has for the next day, so he thinks about texting one of his friends. They’ve all been talking normally in the group chat, that’s how he knows Chan’s still alive, and any of them would probably be up for hanging out. But Seungkwan doesn't want to bother them or make them take sides. They’ll ask about Chan, and he’d have to tell them. Soonyoung surely knows everything, since he works with him, so that’s worse, and Jun is definitely not an option.
That’s when he remembers Hansol’s offer from the other day.
Hansol replies to his text minutes after he sends it, telling him he happens to be in the studio and can definitely take a break. They get together at the corner of Seungkwan street and walk to a small café he usually goes to.
After a week without his best friend and practically no in person contact with his other friends— just some brief chats with Mingyu at work — Seungkwan has a lot to say, he feels like he can't stop talking. He says anything that comes to his mind and is only encouraged by Hansol, who seems happy to listen and ask questions, prompting him to talk even more. Despite that, he still tries to ask back and occupy himself with his coffee, leaving enough time for Hansol to participate in the conversation too. They talk about music, their parents, the present and the past.
"Remember, when you-” Seungkwan can’t continue, interrupted by his own breathless laugh.
“What?” Hansol whines.
“You hit your dad with the ball and then-”
“Noo! Why do you remember that? We were in public!”
“You fell while trying to help him.” Seungkwan keeps laughing, while Hansol pretends to complain, but he is clearly holding in his own laughter too.
“I only remember you and Chanie just laughed and did nothing to help.”
Seungkwan can only try to dry the tears that have come out of his eyes from laughing too much. When he’s calmed down a little, Hansol pouts at him. “I was so bad at sports.”
“I bet you still are,” he says teasing.
“Hey! No, at least I have more stamina now, I even go to the gym.” Seungkwan knows that. When they were younger Hansol was not only shorter than him, but also scrawny and weak looking, Seungkwan patently remembers his shock when, apparently, from one day to another, he appeared looking taller and older. He’s kinda beefy now, Seungkwan has unabashedly looked at his arms more than a few times.
“Me and Chan used to play volleyball sometimes, maybe if we go again you can come.” That is if he and Chan ever do anything together again. Ah, why did he have to remember their fight? This was a perfectly nice conversation and now he’s sad. It’s only been a week though; they’ll probably figure it out soon and everything will be fine.
Hansol must notice his mood change because he looks at him with concern. "Are you two still not talking?"
"He hasn't texted me."
"Why haven't you texted him?"
"I thought he was gonna do it.” He sounds so immature, Hansol must think he’s being stupid. “He's better at that kind of thing, so I kept waiting and now I feel like it's too late. If this was a normal argument, he would've already invited me to dinner, but he must be really mad, I don’t know.”
"What did you tell him? He seems mad at you."
"Ah, I can't tell you, I don't know if he'd want me to. And how do you know that? Have you seen him?"
"Yeah, yesterday," Hansol says.
"Did he mention me?"
"No, actually, I mentioned giving you a ride the other day. He looked, well, not annoyed, but a little miserable when I said your name."
Seungkwan frowns, he doesn’t know if that means he misses him or he’s still angry at him. "Do I look miserable now?" he asks.
"Um, honestly you seem a bit sad.” Hansol scrunches up his face. “Are you?"
Seungkwan sighs. "I guess a little. I just don't understand him."
He wants to explain himself, he thinks Hansol would try to give him good advice, but if he keeps going he'll tell Hansol everything and he doesn't know if Chan has ever told him about his feelings for Jun, he wouldn't want to screw things up more by telling him. Although if Hansol is the tiniest bit observant he probably has already noticed.
“But I can’t tell you more so, just, sorry for being sad and boring.”
“You’re not boring.” Hansol says. “And don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll fix things soon. And when you do, we’ll go play volleyball or any sport so you can show off and make fun of me.”
Seungkwan feels himself smile. “Perfect,” he says.
Hansol shakes his head. It’s easy to focus on his smile and nothing else for the time being.
After that, they start texting regularly. Hansol promises to send him pictures of a plant he bought for his studio’s window, and that’s the beginning of a conversation that never ends. Suddenly, Seungkwan has someone to text on his lunch breaks again, he sends Hansol pictures of his food and gets plant updates and cat videos in return. Seungkwan didn’t imagine Hansol would be good at replying to texts, but he doesn’t seem to mind getting Seungkwan notifications every day. It’s really nice to talk to him, though he still tries not to bother him as much as he did Chan.
They still haven’t talked, which makes it probably the longest time they have gone without each other ever. Seungkwan doesn’t understand how this turned out to be their worst fight, he still doesn’t even get why Chan got so mad at him, and he’s constantly wondering if he misses him or if he’s just living a better life now that Seungkwan is not there to annoy him all the time.
That might be the worst part, he can’t tell him to eat healthy or to not overwork himself, he can’t dare him to run for a longer time or remind him to take his vitamins. Chan’s messages in the group chat are only funny responses to what everyone else sends, and he never posts on social media. Seungkwan has absolutely no idea what he’s up to and it’s driving him crazy.
He sees a potential end to their fight one night at home when he’s having dinner. Soonyoung and Jun are apparently planning to celebrate their recently past birthdays together at the end of the week at Chan and Jun’s place, and Seungkwan, along with everyone else in their group chat, is invited. Not going is an option he doesn’t even consider, because it would only give more importance to their argument and because he wants to go. He hasn't seen Jun and Soonyoung in too long, all thanks to the stupid fight.
And maybe, this can be his chance of patching things up with Chan. He would very much like to pretend nothing happened, but the chance of that has already passed, they’ve waited too long, they’ll have to talk and Seungkwan will ask him to apologise and will begrudgingly promise not to play matchmaker again. It will be fine.
⛅
He decides to go shopping for presents on the Friday of that week. He’s been walking under the oppressive heat for approximately two minutes and he’s already regretting not buying them online, but when he sees a familiar figure turn the corner, he thinks maybe going out was a good idea.
“Hansol-ah!” he says.
Hansol apparently hadn’t noticed him, so he jumps and opens his eyes wide. “Seungkwan, I didn’t see you,” he says, taking off his earbuds.
“Hi.” Seungkwan smiles. “How have you been? Where are you going?”
“Hi! I’m fine, thanks. And I don’t really know?” He looks around as if he’s just noticing his surroundings. “I was thinking of heading to the park. I finished early today and Joshua-hyung suggested I go out and get some sunlight."
Seungkwan laughs. "He must be a good friend.” He tries not to seem too eager when he speaks next, but all his cautiousness seems to go out the window whenever he sees Hansol. “I'm actually going shopping, I need some gifts. Would you like to come? I mean, you won’t get much sunlight, but if you feel like it.”
His eagerness doesn’t matter, because Hansol accepts easily. “Sure,” he says, with an expression that really doesn’t give Seungkwan anything.
“Really?” He asks to be sure he isn’t ruining Hansol’s plans.
“Yeah,” he nods.
Seungkwan was going to take the subway, but Hansol offers his car, so they walk to it and then get to enjoy the miracles of air conditioning. The mall is packed when they get there, and Hansol insists on them looking around a little before buying anything, which is terrible because he truly intended to go directly to one store and pick some clothes for both of his friends.
“Maybe you’ll find something better,” he says.
So, they spend a ridiculous amount of time looking through all kinds of stores, talking about stuff they have received for past birthdays , trying on clothes for themselves, and getting nowhere close to choosing suitable gifts. A while after Seungkwan announces it’s time for them to actually look for the needed presents, they find a cute little set of cat mugs that Hansol absolutely loves and claims are perfect for Jun.
“But my plan was to get them both clothes,” he says.
“Then change your plan,” Hansol smiles at him.
Seungkwan pouts at him, but he surrenders quickly. The mugs are cute and Jun’s going to love them for sure.
“Do you have any suggestions for Soonyoung-hyung?”
“Uhm, I don’t know him that well, but he seems stylish? Maybe you could buy him some kind of cool accessory.”
Seungkwan raises his eyebrows, making eye contact with him for a few seconds. Hansol is not one to look away first. “You are better at this than I thought.”
“You invited me yet had no faith in my abilities? I see how it is. I have friends and buy them presents sometimes, you know? I bought Chanie cool shoes for his birthday too.”
“Oh right!” Seungkwan says. Chan always wears those. “Sorry, I never should’ve doubted you, present master.”
Hansol laughs at him.
They end up buying Soonyoung a cool bucket hat that he’s probably going to wear too much and getting ice cream afterwards. Hansol has to pick some things up at the studio before going home, so he drops Seungkwan there. But before he has the chance to walk home, Hansol is inviting him to go up to his studio.
“You can see the plant in person,” he says.
Seungkwan accepts mainly out of curiosity. He does want to see the plant, but he’s also interested in the studio. Teaching music is different from recording and engineering it, but he still knows about the equipment and would like to hear about the process. Besides, it’s always interesting to see a creative person’s working space.
When they open the door to the studio, Seungkwan expects to find the place empty, but instead there is music playing and some weird purple led lights giving the place the atmosphere of a cheap nightclub, even though the sun has just gone down.
“Hyung?” Hansol says to the man lying completely still on the couch placed next to where the computers and consoles are.
“I thought you’d gone home,” the guy says from under the hat that’s covering his face.
“Yeah, I left my stuff here.” Hansol turns to look at him. “Hey Seungkwan, this is Jihoon, I’ve told you about him.”
Oh yes, he has. He always talks about him as a friend, coworker and apparently the one who co-parents the plant. When he hears Seungkwan’s name, Jihoon quickly uncovers his face and sits up. He seems surprised.
“This is Seungkwan,” Hansol tells him, “Chan’s best friend, do you remember? I’ve probably mentioned him too.”
“Oh yes.” Jihoon says, looking directly at Seungkwan. “Don’t believe him, he talks about you all the time.”
Seungkwan looks at Hansol to see his reaction, but he’s not making eye contact and has apparently decided to ignore Jihoon’s comment. “If you’re tired you shouldn’t sleep on the couch, hyung. Go home.”
“Not tired and not sleeping,” Jihoon says, moving to lie down again. “This is just a mental break.”
Hansol sighs, then he moves to grab both of Jihoon’s arms to try to pull him up. “C’mon!” he says, tugging at him. “Joshua-hyung will be mad if he knows I let you stay here all night.” Jihoon doesn’t listen to him, instead he starts acting like a rag doll.
They argue like that for a while, Hansol trying to move Jihoon, while he makes no effort to stand up. Seungkwan doesn’t really know what to do, he’s entertained enough to just stand there watching their interaction. He has never seen Hansol acting like that, so… responsible. It’s interesting to see that he can take good care of his friends, even if he sometimes seems to not do the same for himself.
Seungkwan’s not really paying attention to whatever they’re saying anymore, that is until Jihoon says something that makes his eyes bulge.
“Why do you need me to leave so suddenly? Whatever you’re planning on doing, I’m not gonna let you defile our workplace!” Seungkwan feels his face quickly warming up and he moves so he’s not on Hansol’s visual field.
“Oh my god, shut up!” Hansol says, finally managing to get Jihoon off the couch and onto the floor. Jihoon has no option but to start using his limbs to stand up then, apparently surrendering, because he sighs and goes to turn his computer off.
Just then, Hansol turns around, arranging his disheveled shirt and looking at Seungkwan with a smile. “Wanna see the plant?” Seungkwan nods.
The plant is a cute flower-shaped succulent. Hansol shows it to him, gets his laptop and other stuff inside his bag, then starts talking to him about the equipment, all while Jihoon lurks behind them, clearly not wanting to leave them alone. Seungkwan is quite intimidated by him at first, but when he notices Seungkwan showing real interest in their work, he gets closer to them and joins the conversation to explain every little detail about the studio to him. It’s fun, Hansol and Jihoon are clearly very passionate about it all.
Hansol keeps sending Seungkwan meaningful looks he doesn’t really know how to interpret during their conversation. He thinks they probably mean “Jihoon is fun, right?” or “he could talk about this for hours.” At least that’s what he decides they mean.
After everything, they get out of the building together, Hansol making Jihoon promise he will rest well. When they say their goodbyes, he gives Seungkwan the briefest of hugs, probably less than a second, but he can still feel his warm hand on his back as he walks home.
⛅
Seungkwan gets to Chan and Jun’s place feeling nervous yet hopeful. He knows the code to enter, but still decides to knock, and is soon greeted by an eager Seokmin, who showers him in kisses as soon as he opens the door, moaning about how they never see each other anymore.
Almost everyone else is already there, consuming the ridiculous amount of food and drinks they must’ve gotten for the occasion. He greets them normally, getting hugs from Soonyoung, Seungcheol and Jun and a hair ruffle from Jeonghan, but when he gets to Chan, who looks good in his black clothes and cool make up, he doesn’t really know what he’s allowed to do, so he stands there awkwardly and tells him hi. He wonders if the others can feel the tension, and which of them know the details of their fight.
“Hi,” Chan says back. “Um, do you want a drink? We have beer.”
“Yeah, thanks,” Seungkwan nods, watching him as he goes to get a bottle from the table. This is good, he thinks. He didn’t know what to expect from Chan when they finally saw each other again, but politeness is probably a good start, they can go from here and be back to normal by the end of the night.
He's about to tell him something else, address the fight topic already, when he hears noise at the door again. Wonwoo and Minghao have arrived too, so Chan quickly hands him the bottle and goes to them. He thinks he can try again as soon as they’re done with their greetings, but his chances to have any serious conversation pass fast when Jeonghan announces they’re going to play a game.
The night goes on like that, all of them loudly playing any game they can think of while they eat and drink. He’s sitting between Jun and Seungcheol, with Chan a little more to his right. It would be hard to talk to him with the three people separating them, so he just focuses on having fun. He tries to act normal, be funny, participate, and he does, but still, something feels off, he knows he’s restraining himself, afraid of doing the wrong thing.
At some point, they decide to play mafia, which is always a little risky, especially if half the group is already close to being fully drunk. Any seemingly harmless comment can hurt someone’s feelings if said in the wrong tone. Fortunately, Seungkwan hasn’t been drinking a lot, he only feels a little tipsy, so he can still be in control of whatever he says.
As the game progresses, he gets into it. He’s grateful for Chan most likely not being the mafia, but he thinks even if he thought he was, he wouldn’t try to catch him, too awkward to tease him as he would usually do. Instead, he puts all his efforts into exposing Jeonghan, who Seungkwan is one hundred percent sure is obviously the mafia, and only lying to protect himself.
But at the end, all his efforts are useless, because two things happen: first, Jeonghan convinces everyone of killing Seungkwan, so they do, and then, Jeonghan dies in the next round, proving to everyone that he was just an innocent citizen.
“What?!” Seungkwan exclaims.
Jeonghan laughs cheekily at him. “Oh Seungkwanie,” he says, “just admit you were wrong.”
"Oh, he doesn't know how to do that," Chan says out of nowhere, surprising not only him and Jeonghan, but also everyone else.
“What did you say?” Seungkwan asks.
Chan rolls his eyes, igniting an angry fire inside of Seungkwan.“You heard me,” he says.
"Oh yeah?” Seungkwan’s talking before he can even think about it. “I thought you were the one who didn't know how to recognize their mistakes."
"My mistakes?” Chan raises his voice. He is on the side closer to being drunk. “You haven't even apologised!"
"I have to apologise? You should be thanking me!"
Jeonghan tries to intervene then, but none of them pay any attention to him.
“I won’t thank you for doing stuff behind my back,” Chan says, with a fake smile that not even someone who doesn’t know him as much as Seungkwan would buy.
“It’s not my fault you need me to take initiative for you,” Seungkwan says.
“It’s not my fault you feel the need to control everyone else’s life because you feel like you don’t have yours together!”
“Chan!” Jeonghan shouts. Everyone else holds their breaths at that, including Seungkwan. If it wasn’t for the music still coming from the speakers, they would be able to hear each other’s heartbeats.
Seungkwan is the one to break the silence. “It’s okay, hyung, it’s fine," he says, getting up from his position on the floor. “He’s just mad because with or without my help he won’t be able to get what he wants.”
He goes grab his things then. “I’m leaving by the way. You guys have a good time.”
As if it was a repetition from that day that started it all, before he can get out the door, he hears Chan screaming at him. “Go then, you leaving is nothing new!”
He’s trying not to cry in the elevator just in case someone sees him when he gets the urge to text Hansol. It’s become a habit, whenever something mildly interesting happens to him, he wants to tell him, so he takes out his phone.
From me :
so… the party didn’t go well.
He gets a response a couple minutes later.
From Hansol:
did they not like the presents?
It immediately makes Seungkwan smile a tiny bit.
From me:
that’s not it, actually.
me and chan had an argument and i left. :(( i’m going home now.
From Hansol:
oh no :( i’m sorry. you wanna talk about it?
i could go to yours, i’m actually in the studio right now.
i promise i stopped working hours ago, i was watching movies.
He’s so nice, Seungkwan would like that, but he doesn’t want to be pathetic in front of him. And he can’t complain about Chan, right? Well, Hansol said he could, but it doesn’t feel like the right thing to do. He wouldn’t know how to feel if he knew Chan was discussing their problems with one of his sisters.
From me:
noo, don’t worry, keep watching
From Hansol:
i could watch it with you
if you don’t wanna talk
He sends a sticker of a blushing cat and all Seungkwan’s excuses crumble into the ground. Maybe they can watch the movie without mentioning Chan, it would be nice to get his mind off things.
From me:
okay, that sounds nice. you can come if you want
He adds a smiling emoji for emphasis.
Hansol gets there ten minutes after him with a bag of takeout he says it’s not for Seungkwan, but that seems a little too much for him alone. Seungkwan says he won’t eat because there was food at the party, but ends up having two chicken wings, because he can’t control himself. It’s worth it when Hansol looks at him with genuine happiness while he eats.
They don’t watch the movie right away, instead they eat and listen to music. Seungkwan updates Hansol on some of his favorite recent girl groups songs and in return, he shows Seungkwan some rock tracks in English that he hasn't heard before.
When the chicken is over and they've moved to the couch, Hansol hesitantly asks if he wants to talk about the party, but Seungkwan tells him he'd rather not think about it, so they don't. It’s easier to get cosy on his couch and just comment on the movie.
He realises he’s fallen asleep when he feels a hand shaking his shoulder gently.
"Seungkwan-ah," Hansol whispers when he blinks his eyes open. His face is too close.
"Hey, you should go to bed,” he says, “I'm leaving."
Seungkwan yawns. "What time is it?"
"Uhh, like 3 a.m."
"Oh no,” he pats Hansol’s hair absentmindedly. “Are you not sleepy? You can stay here."
"What do you mean?" He’s looking at him weirdly, Seungkwan’s too tired to figure out what that look means.
"Here." Seungkwan pats the couch. "It's a pullout. It's okay, Chan stays sometimes."
"Oh. Really?"
"Yes," he says, standing up. "I'll get you some pyjamas.”
Hansol follows him to the bedroom and watches him pick a white loose t-shirt that he almost never wears and a pair of blue shorts from his drawers. He’s still looking at him with that same look, not moving at all from where he’s leaning on the door frame.
Seungkwan puts the clothes in his hands. “If you want to leave you can,” he tells him.
“No,” he looks down, seeming to finally snap out of it. “This is better. I’m tired.”
Seungkwan nods. He gets him a blanket and hurriedly goes to the bathroom to do his night routine. When he’s brushing his teeth, Hansol comes in to ask for a spare toothbrush, Seungkwan always has one at hand, just in case, so he gives it to him.
It’s certainly new, seeing him like that, so comfortable in his bathroom, wearing his clothes, but Seungkwan is so sleepy and emotionally exhausted that he doesn’t question it too much. He wishes Hansol goodnight and collapses on his bed as soon as he can, ready to let the day finally end.
⛅
He wakes up when the sun is already bright in the sky, feeling sweaty and gross. The night before doesn’t come back to his mind until he’s rushing to the bathroom and he notices Hansol in the living room, lying on his back with the blanket forgotten on the floor.
It reminds Seungkwan of when they were kids, when he would sometimes stay at Chan’s house in the room he shared with Hansol, and he would always be asleep when they got up the next morning. Their mum had to shout for him to go get breakfast with them, but sometimes it didn’t work, and she made Chan and Seungkwan go annoy him until he woke up. He looks very similar to those times.
Hansol must hear him moving around because when he goes back to the living room, he’s awake and looking at his phone.
“Good morning,” Seungkwan says smiling.
“Hello,” Hansol answers, his voice raspy and deep, his hair is completely disheveled, up on one side and flat on the back. Seungkwan barely contains the want to coo at him. “Did you sleep well?” Hansol asks.
“Yeah. What about you?”
“I’m great, I passed out and woke up just now.” He stretches on the couch. “This thing is surprisingly comfortable.”
“I know, right?”
“Thanks for letting me stay,” he says, “It was a good idea not to drive that late.”
“It’s okay. Are you hungry?”
“So hungry,” he smiles wide.
They eat the remaining chicken from last night, plus extra rice and the gopchang Seungkwan ordered, together on the coffee table. Seungkwan would’ve probably already gone on his run and would be cleaning right now if he was alone, his lunch short and efficient, but it’s nice to drag it all out with Hansol. They watch the last part of the movie from last night still in their pyjamas, discussing the plot twist near the end.
Seungkwan is about to finally get up to clean and do the dishes when Hansol asks him about the party again.
“What exactly happened?”
Seungkwan sighs, he didn’t want to, but talking about it will probably help. So, he explains their exchange from last night trying to leave out any detail that might indicate their fight involved Chan’s feelings for Jun. He tells him about the hurtful words he spit out in that moment of anger and mentions what Chan told him too.
“Wow,” Hansol says, “he’s definitely mad at you.”
“Yes,” Seungkwan sighs again.
“For the record,” he says, “I think you do have your life together, I mean, you have this nice place and a good job, you exercise and eat healthy.” Seungkwan looks at the greasy remains of their food. Hansol laughs. “Most of the time,” he says, “this was just my bad influence on you.”
Seungkwan snorts at that, but lets Hansol continue with his thoughts. “So, I think Chan was wrong about that, but…” He looks at Seungkwan seriously then. “I don’t think Chan needs your help getting whatever it is he wants. He’s the most determined person I know, like, I don’t know what you were talking about, but I’m sure if he says he wants something he’s gonna get it.”
Seungkwan tries not to pout at that, but he’s pretty sure he’s failing miserably. “Do you think I try to interfere with his life too much?”
“I think,” he says, pausing for a second to gather his thoughts. “I think you’re kinda treating him like a baby, and you know he really hates that, at least he hates it when I do it.”
“Oh no,” Seungkwan says, feeling his eyes get mortifyingly wet. “Maybe I did treat him like a baby and this is all my fault.” He covers his face before Hansol can see the tears spilling.
“Seungkwan-ah,” he says, clearly concerned. Seungkwan feels him move to come closer and then he’s wrapping his arms around him.
Seungkwan feels pathetic, crying in front of Hansol because of a fight with his brother, he shouldn’t even be involving him in this mess, but here he is, bringing him into his house, bothering him with his problems, and on top of everything, crying.
Still, he doesn’t move away from his embrace, instead he lets himself cry into Hansol’s chest with all the frustration he hasn’t been able to release since last night.
“It’s a person,” he says without looking up.
“What?” Hansol asks.
“The thing he wants to get I mean, it’s a person’s love.”
“Oh,” Hansol says, “I guess that changes things a little actua-”
“No, it doesn't,” Seungkwan interrupts him. “It’s still true that I’m babying him.” He can’t help but cry even more then, letting an ugly sob out and feeling the tears continue to fall from his eyes. Hansol just wraps his arms tighter around him and rubs his back softly, consoling him.
He hugs him for a long time, until he finishes crying and after that. Seungkwan didn’t know he could feel so safe in Hansol’s arms, didn’t know he had it in him to be such a comforting person. It must be the older brother in him, he thinks.
He starts feeling embarrassed again, suddenly too conscious of his grip on Hansol’s waist and the wet patch he’s left on his t-shirt, so he decides to extract himself from him and apologise. But he doesn’t get to go too far, because the moment he sees his face so close to his, hands still on Seungkwan’s shoulders, his eyes wide, he feels captivated, like it would be impossible to look away. Hansol is looking back too, with something that Seungkwan thinks might be curiosity.
He can’t help it when his gaze goes down, the thought of a kiss crossing his mind without permission. Hansol does the same, looks down, most likely at his mouth. Seungkwan feels his breath catching.
He moves without thinking, getting closer than he already is and, if his mind is not betraying him, he thinks Hansol might be moving too, too slow not to be a deliberate action. Seungkwan would only need to lean in a little to feel their lips touch, but just when he’s about to, he thinks better about it and decides to pull away, out of Hansol arms and far from his mouth. He looks at the dirty containers and dishes splayed on the table then.
He doesn't know why he didn’t do it. He's pretty sure Hansol was about to kiss him, or respond to his kiss at least, and he’s self-aware enough to know he would like that, but he feels like he can't, they can't.
“I should clean already,” he says, not looking at Hansol while he gets up from the floor and grabs the containers.
He’s separating the trash when he hears steps behind him, not turning around when Hansol speaks.
“Um, I should probably get ready to leave,” he says.
“Yeah,” Seungkwan says too enthusiastically, cringing at himself. “Feel free to use the shower if you want.”
“Thank you,” Hansol says, “but I think I’m just gonna change. I can shower at home.”
“Yes, of course,” Seungkwan says, and hears him getting into the bathroom.
He’s still trying to entertain himself with the trash and the dishes when he comes out.
“Thanks again for letting me stay,” he says.
Seungkwan needs to stop being a coward and face him, so he turns around, but he’s not brave enough to look him in the eye. “No, thank you ,” he says to the loose thread on Hansol’s sleeve, hoping he can still feel how much he means it. “Thank you for everything.”
Hansol nods and smiles at him, patting his shoulder for a second. "Have a good day, Seungkwan."
"You too,” he says, and watches him getting out the door.
He stays there, thinking about what Chan would say if he knew about all this. Despite him trying to imagine the worst scenarios, he knows he'd probably be alright with it. If these were normal circumstances and he didn't hate him, he would most likely be happy for them.
But there’s nothing to be happy about, Seungkwan's getting way ahead of himself thinking about telling Chan about something that did not happen. He even might have misinterpreted Hansol's body language, and he never even thought of kissing him. What he needs to do is to not worry too much and just act like nothing happened. Because it didn't, nothing happened. Seungkwan doesn't need to deal with something like that. He'll just act normal.
⛅
Soonyoung asks him to meet later that day. He should’ve known he and Chan couldn’t get away with arguing like that in front of their friends without any of them intervening. He wonders what happened at the party after he left, he’s sure someone — maybe Jeonghan — must’ve had a serious talk with Chan. And now it’s apparently his turn.
Soonyoung stops by his apartment soon after, cursing the heat as soon as he gets through the door. Once he sits down with a glass of ice-cold water, he goes straight to the point.
“You need to fix this,” he says.
“What do you mean?” Seungkwan asks, knowing exactly what he’s talking about and still playing dumb.
Soonyoung rolls his eyes at him. “You know what I mean. The thing with Chan last night was ridiculous.”
Seungkwan groans, sitting next to him and resting his head on the back of the couch. “I know, I’m sorry.”
“He told me everything,” he says, taking Seungkwan’s hand on his own. He’s like that, especially touchy, always communicating with his body. “He told me about the video, what you said, how it made him feel.”
“I already know it was wrong,” he admits, “he doesn’t want me to make decisions for him, I get it.”
“He was planning on inviting Junie to the studio someday to show him the choreo in person, it was a whole thing.”
“Really?” Seungkwan lifts his head at that.
“Yeah, I don’t think he wanted to confess or anything, but he was planning something.”
“And I ruined it?” Oh, Seungkwan feels even worse now. Not only did he do something without asking Chan, but he also ruined the reveal he was planning. Jun sees him every day at home, and he has seen him dancing many times, but from what Seungkwan knows, he has never specifically invited him to watch him dance at the studio. Maybe it was going to be a special occasion and it was all a failure because of him.
“Yes,” Soonyoung says, as honest as ever. “And now you have to apologise. He should too, because he was super rude, but I think you should reach out first. Like, now.” He lets go of his hand and puts the glass down. “Where’s your phone? Let’s text him now.”
“No, wait!” Seungkwan grabs his arms so he doesn’t try to take it from the coffee table.
Soonyoung purses his lips. "Do you love Chan?"
Seungkwan frowns. "Of course I do," he says.
"Does he love you?"
"I guess." Soonyoung makes a face at him, clearly not having it. “Okay. Yes, he does,” Seungkwan concedes.
"Then why are you being so stupid? You guys are best friends!"
Seungkwan stays quiet for a moment, he doesn’t really know how to say what he’s thinking about, which may be the only thing stopping him from reaching out to Chan at this point, but he can tell Soonyoung is running out of patience, so he just closes his eyes and lets it out. “I think I have feelings for his brother,” he says, then thinks better about it. “No, I know I do.”
“What?” Soonyoung screams, “Hansol?!”
“Yes Hansol,” he says, “does he have any other brother?” He can’t help how irritated he sounds, but he takes a deep breath to try to explain better. “We've been spending a lot of time together and, I don’t really know, I think he might feel something too."
Soonyoung sits there with his mouth hanging open for what feels like minutes. “I can’t believe you’re fucking his brother behind his back,” he says when he’s finally able to speak.
“I’m not- don’t say it like that!” Seungkwan pushes him. “And we're not fucking! Nothing has happened between us.” He can’t believe out of everyone he’s telling this to Soonyoung, the probabilities of him spilling the beans to Chan are not small, he’s not known for being able to keep a secret, but who else is he supposed to talk to?
“Are you sure? he asks, raising his eyebrows. “Not even a kiss?” Seungkwan grabs a pillow then, trying to hit him in the face.
Despite his annoyance, he ends up telling everything to Soonyoung, the texting, the kinda dates, the almost kiss. He tells him about his doubts concerning Chan’s opinion and how he feels like he’s hiding something terrible from him. It’s so relieving, finally letting out the feelings he hadn’t even let himself feel.
Soonyoung assures him that once things are fine between them again, Chan will one hundred percent be happy for them. Seungkwan keeps trying to remind him that nothing has actually happened between him and Hansol, but he keeps going on about how they’re going to make a cute couple and how hot his future boyfriend is. It’s a little embarrassing, but he tries not to complain too much.
Soonyoung starts to leave only after making him promise to text Chan as soon as possible. He’s already at the door when he turns to Seungkwan again.
“Seungkwan-ah,” he says, smiling at him, “I’m happy for you.” His sincerity is a little surprising, so he doesn’t know how to respond, but it doesn’t stop Soonyoung from saying more. “You deserve someone who makes you happy,” he says, and his eyes are so gentle Seungkwan doesn’t know what to do with himself.
He’s not about to cry again today, so he thanks him and softly pushes him out the door before it happens.
⛅
Seungkwan still hasn’t sent the text to Chan when Hansol messages him after work two days later, he’s been too busy overthinking about what to say.
From Hansol:
i’m going to the gym later, wanna join?
Seungkwan thinks about it, they saw each other so recently, that day Hansol stayed the night. He honestly thought he would have more time to recover from what almost happened that morning, what he almost did, before seeing him face to face again.
He’s been trying really hard not to act weird about it, but he feels like he’s not doing a good job. Hansol doesn’t text him anything different to what he usually does and still Seungkwan finds himself replying less enthusiastically, with no emojis and not as frequently. If Hansol has noticed he hasn’t said anything, and now he’s inviting him to hang out.
He remembers some time ago he accepted Hansol’s suggestion of going to the gym together one day, so technically this invitation isn’t anything surprising, but it’s still something they’ve never done, another thing to add to the list of activities he now associates with Hansol.
He could tell him he’s tired, ask him to leave it for another day. Maybe Hansol wouldn’t even think it’s weird or maybe he’ll pair his rejection with how distant he’s been through text and will assume Seungkwan doesn’t want to spend time with him anymore. That would probably be for the better, less complicated, giving up before anyone has the chance to get hurt.
But the thing is, he doesn’t want to do that. He thinks about what Soonyoung said to him, how he deserves someone who makes him happy. Hansol makes him so happy, he always enjoys the time they spend together. If something happens between them and Chan gets mad or Seungkwan gets hurt, then so be it, he’ll deal with the consequences later.
Besides, this invitation is nothing, it’s going to the gym with a friend he’s known since forever and nothing else. If his heart beats too fast when he sees him, he’ll just have to live with it. So, he texts him back.
From me:
only if you promise not to make me do a crazy routine
Hansol sends him confetti emojis, as if he was telling something worth celebrating.
From Hansol:
of course not. you can do some light cardio, whatever you want
is 8 okay?
From me:
yes, that’s fine
send me the address please
He decides to add a cute bunny sticker. If he’s going to do this, he needs to act normal.
Hansol is waiting for him inside, standing near the treadmills with his phone on one hand. He’s wearing shorts and a t-shirt, which is nothing special, but still makes Seungkwan swallow hard with the way it leaves his arms and legs on display. When he feels him getting close, he looks up and smiles brightly at him. It’s terrible and wonderful at the same time, and he thinks that maybe staying home was a better idea.
“Hi,” Hansol says after Seungkwan’s been staring at him silently for who knows how many stupid seconds. “I thought we could start here,” he points to the treadmills.
“Hi, yes,” Seungkwan finally says. “I didn’t go on my morning run on Saturday, so I need it.” He immediately regrets mentioning Saturday, Hansol just nods at him and starts stretching, but it’s obvious he must be thinking about that day too. After all, he knows Seungkwan didn’t go running because he was there all morning with him.
Hansol tells him about an amazing track he’s working on with Jihooon, and once again doesn’t mention how he teased him and Seungkwan when they met. Seungkwan tells him about his conversation with Soonyoung, leaving out all parts about Hansol and what might be going on between them. They make it work.
Talking gets too tiring after a while, so they just run together side by side. Seungkwan really tries not to look at Hansol as he starts getting sweaty and flushed, but they’re in front of a glass wall and his reflection is impossible to miss.
It’s a relief when he tells him he’s tired of running and leaves him there to go lift weights. But the calm doesn’t last long, because when Seungkwan finishes his time on the treadmill and goes looking for Hansol to see what he’s doing, he finds him getting settled on the bench press, his legs on full display while he lifts his arms.
“Could you help me with my position?” he says when he notices him, forcing Seungkwan not only to look but also to touch his arms to make sure his shoulders are well aligned. It makes him want to grab his water bottle and spill it all over himself to see if it stops the fire he feels inside himself.
Fortunately, Hansol doesn’t notice anything, he’s too busy with the barbell to see what a mess Seungkwan has become because of some shorts and a rolled-up sleeve. He tries to act in the friendliest way possible, giving him encouraging words while looking at the ceiling or anywhere else, but it’s really hard.
When Hansol asks him if he would like to try it too, he thinks about it as a break from watching him being stupidly hot and says yes immediately. He fails to consider he’s going to be the one getting soft touches then. His fingers leave traces on his sides, shoulders and even on his hands, when he adjusts them so he’s gripping the bar more firmly.
He’s there, closing his eyes so he doesn’t have to see how Hansol looks down at him, trying to let the effort his arms muscles are making distract him from it all, when Hansol decides it’s a good time to talk.
“Hey,” he says, when Seungkwan is lifting the bar for the second time. “I wanted to talk to you about something.” He makes a questioning sound, too busy to pay him much attention.
“Remember Saturday, um, after you cried?” Seungkwan feels his arms almost giving up and curses out loud at Hansol for his bad timing. “Hansol, fuck!”
“Sorry, sorry,” he says, helping him put the barbell down before he has the chance to drop it on himself and die. After he can let go of it, Seungkwan speaks.
“Listen,” he says, his chest going up and down with how hard he’s breathing, he doesn’t know if it’s because of the effort or the embarrassment. “We don’t have to talk about it.”
“Uh, why not?” Hansol says, touching his side so he can give him some space.
Seungkwan sits up then, so they’re sitting side by side on the tiny bench, too close to look anywhere but into each other’s eyes. “I’m really sorry if I made things weird or-”
“You didn’t!” Hansol interrupts him. “Please don’t apologise, I…” He visibly swallows and turns on his side so he’s facing him. “I don’t want you to apologise because that would mean you didn’t want it and I… Seungkwan, if you’d kissed me, I would’ve kissed you back.”
He grabs his cheeks then, putting their faces even closer. Seungkwan's heart is about to escape running from his chest. “I would kiss you right now if you’d let me.”
Seungkwan is about to say yes, ready to leave all his worries for later, but then he remembers they’re still at the gym. “Wait,” he says, “Hansol-ah, we’re in public.”
“Oh, you’re right,” he says nodding, but he’s still not pulling away. "Seungkwan," he whispers. Seungkwan can't really see his face well with how close they are, but he thinks he's looking at his lips. He's looking too, he couldn't look away even if he wanted to. "Would you like to go to my house?"
"Your house?" Seungkwan asks, more air than sound coming out of his mouth.
Hansol nods slowly, and Seungkwan is nodding too, before he even has time to think about it. Then suddenly, Hansol is pulling away from him, getting up and grabbing his wrist so he can follow him to the exit.
They’re walking closer than necessary, not talking about the things they probably should discuss, just walking in silence with stupid smiles on both their faces, when Hansol seems to remember something. “So, did you send that text to Chan?”
Seungkwan sighs. “Ah, not yet.”
“You should do it.” he says. “Now.”
“Now?”
“Yes.”
Why not? Seungkwan thinks, he’s already being braver than usual today, finally sending the text will only be another display of it. He pulls out his phone and starts typing, he doesn’t need to think about what to say too much, he’s already planned it in his head.
From me:
hi Chan, hope you’re doing well.
i want to talk to you. are you free any time soon?
He hits send before he can regret it, taking a deep breath. “Okay, done.”
“Really?” Hansol asks.
“Yeah, look,” he points the screen at him.
“That’s sexy,” he says.
Seungkwan cackles. “What?”
“Solving your problems, being the big person.” He leans into Seungkwan’s side and whispers in his ear. “It’s hot.”
“Shut up!” Seungkwan shoves him, feeling himself blushing. This is horrendous, but at least he knows for sure they’re on the same page about considering each other hot now. They keep walking in silence after that, Seungkwan pays attention to his phone, but there are no new notifications at least until they’re at Hansol’s place. Then he stops paying attention.
Even though he’s pretty sure of what they’re about to do, Seungkwan fully intends to act mysterious and hard to get when they enter the apartment, but before he can comment on the decoration, or something equally uninteresting, Hansol is pressing him to the wall next to the door and asking if it’s okay to kiss him. It’s more than okay with Seungkwan, so instead of answering with words, he closes the distance between them and kisses him with all the want he had to contain at the gym.
It’s surprisingly easy, to let himself want, and have, for the first time in forever, to let himself go. With shaking hands, he touches every part of Hansol he has only been allowed to observe up until now, his arms, his back, his chest, getting the same desperate attention in return.
He takes what he needs from Hansol and gives him what he asks him in return. Take this off, please. Come here. Touch me.
He remembers they’re sweaty and disgusting when he’s already on Hansol’s bed, but both of them are too wrapped up in each other to care about such trivial things. Hansol moans into Seungkwan’s mouth and he moans back, losing himself in the sensation of being so close to him.
He knows that no matter what, he'll have that moan, together with the look on his face, imprinted in his mind forever. The feeling of his warm hands on his heated skin will stay there like a tattoo.
When they finish, he’s so happy, tired, and satisfied he only has enough of a mind to clean himself a little with Hansol’s help, then wrap his limbs around him to finally go to sleep. It’s okay, he can think about showering and everything else tomorrow.
⛅
In the morning, he wakes up to the sound of his alarm blaring near his head. He groans and extracts himself from under Hansol, moving his arm to turn it off without opening his eyes. He feels sore and tired, going to the gym and having sex immediately after was probably asking too much from his poor body, he will be feeling the exhaustion all day.
He feels Hansol stirring and opens his eyes to look at him. It’s just then that he remembers they’re not at his apartment, but at Hansol’s, and he needs to get to work from there right now.
“Shit,” he sits up.
“What’s wrong?” Hansol asks, his voice all hoarse and deep.
“I’m gonna be late for work,” Seungkwan says, almost tripping on his own feet while he gets up. “I didn’t bring any clothes. Fuck, I can’t go to work on my gym clothes!” he says, grabbing his useless sweatpants from the floor. “Do you have any shirts? Oh no, but I need my other stuff, how did I not think about this?” He grabs his head with both hands.
“How much time do you have?” Hansol asks, getting up too. “I can drive you to your house and then to the school.”
Seungkwan has no time to get distracted, but he still stares at Hansol’s naked torso for a second before answering. “An hour and a half,” he says.
“Can we make it?” he asks.
“Uh, maybe. If we leave right now.”
“Okay, let’s go.”
They quickly put on the same clothes from yesterday and practically run out the door. Seungkwan doesn’t even have a toothbrush here, he’s going to need to get showered, dressed, and ready in like ten minutes, and there is no chance he can have coffee or any breakfast.
He really wasn’t thinking last night, his stupid horny brain made him forget what day of the week it was. It’s okay though, in the rush of getting to the car he spares a glance at Hansol, with his still sleepy eyes and ruffled hair, and knows it was all worth it.
They’re in the car when Seungkwan checks his phone for the first time since last night.
From Chan:
Hi Seungkwan, did you know Jun-hyung and Hansol-hyung go to the same gym?
He gasps and covers his mouth with his hand.
"What's wrong?" Hansol asks, concerned.
Seungkwan tries to show him the text, then remembers he's driving and decides to tell him. "Did you know Jun-hyung goes to the same gym as you?"
"Yeah, it’s close to his…” His voice deflates immediately as he realises. "Who told you that?"
"Chan texted me asking if I knew."
"Oh no, he must've seen us.” Seungkwan can’t stop thinking about what it must’ve looked like, both of them centimeters apart in the bench press, leaving together soon after. If Jun saw that, then what did he even tell Chan?
“I’m sorry,” Hansol keeps going, “I completely forgot he goes there too."
"No, it's not your fault, it’s just.” He grabs his head with his hands. “How am I gonna explain this to him?"
“I mean,” Hansol says, raising his eyebrows at him. "explain what exactly? There’s not much to say." This guy, Seungkwan thinks, after everything he has the nerve to tease him.
"Ha ha,” he says. “You know what I mean. Not only the sex, but all the time we’ve been spending together. This feels like betrayal, you know? You shouldn’t even be on my side and yet here we are."
He laughs then, as if Seungkwan’s friendship with his brother wasn’t hanging from the verge of a precipice. "Sorry, but there are no sides to take, and if there were I’m on both, he can’t feel betrayed. And don't worry too much about whatever we, well, what we’ve done and what we decide to do or not do in the future. I mean, I don’t know if you'd want there to be anything in our future-"
"Yes, I would," Seungkwan blurts out without thinking, he can’t believe they’re talking about a future together, but it’s the truth. He likes to be with Hansol, and he doesn't think he would be able to move on if he told him this was a one-time thing and nothing else. "I'd like for us to have a future," he says.
"Really?" Hansol asks, his eyes bigger than Seungkwan has even seen them.
Seungkwan nods firmly.
Hansol laughs. "That's good! Me too!” His smile is contagious, Seungkwan feels himself smiling back despite how worried he is.
“But yeah, what I was saying,” Hansol shakes his head and continues. “He always tells me he wants me to be happy and he probably wants the same for you, so if we make each other happy, I think he'll be fine with this.” He touches his thigh. “We can talk to him together if you want."
"Stop being so nice to me," Seungkwan pouts at him.
"What? No, I'll be even nicer to you from now on." He squeezes his thigh again and Seungkwan places his own hand on top of his.
“Thank you, but I think I need to talk to him on my own,” he says.
“That’s okay,” Hansol tells him. “I’m sure everything’s going to be alright”
From me:
we should talk
in person
i’ll explain everything to you then
Chan’s reply comes in only a few seconds.
From Chan:
okay, you can come today after work if you want
From me:
i’ll be there
At home, Seungkwan breaks the record for the quickest shower in the world, puts on the first clothes he finds, grabs his things, then runs to Hansol’s car. When they finally get to the school only a couple minutes late, Hansol kisses him before he gets down and promises to visit him tonight. It makes Seungkwan feel like he’s floating the whole day.
⛅
He’s nervous when he texts Chan to say he’s outside. This time, he didn’t plan what he’s going to say, his only purpose is to be sincere. So when Chan opens the door looking the same as always, wearing a t-shirt Seungkwan bought for him last year, he can barely stop himself from crying, and the only things that come out of his mouth are apologies.
“I’m so sorry,” he says, Chan just sighs and opens his arms to welcome him into a hug. He’s shorter but Seungkwan makes himself small so he can bury his head in his neck. He knew he missed him, but he didn’t realise how much until this moment.
Chan’s hugs are so warm and comforting, it should be illegal for them to spend so much time without doing this again.
His eyes are getting wet despite his efforts, and his voice comes out watery when he pulls away to speak again. “I’m never gonna make decisions for you again, okay? I’m sorry if it seemed like I didn’t trust your own judgement or something. When you said I wanted to control everyone’s life you were probably right.”
“No,” Chan says, closing the door and ushering Seungkwan into the apartment. “I should never have said that. I’m sorry too. I was mad and said the first hurtful thing that came to my mind. I know you did it with good intentions, but it felt like you weren’t listening to me, and it made me really angry.”
“I’m sorry, I should’ve apologised as soon as you told me, but I didn’t understand why you were so mad.” He sits on the couch and waits for Chan to go to the kitchen and get water for both of them. “Now I know I ruined some kind of surprise you had planned,” he says when he’s back.
Chan sighs again. “Did Soonyoung-hyung talk to you?”
“Yeah, he actually encouraged me to text you, well, he and…” Chan looks at him expectantly, he probably already knows what he’s going to say. “He and Hansol, he’s helped me a lot lately, actually.”
“Okay,” Chan says. “I guess we need to talk about that.” He doesn’t look particularly happy about it, which makes Seungkwan’s hope falter a little.
They do need to talk about it, but first, he needs to make sure they’re okay. “Tell me, do you forgive me? I promise I’ll try to listen to you better in the future.”
Chan sits down next to him and hugs him again. “I’ve already forgiven you, you idiot.”
Seungkwan hears him sniffling next to his ear. "Are you crying?" he asks without moving away. Chan doesn't cry as often as him, so this is a little unusual.
"I missed you too," he says in a voice so little it makes his chest ache. Seungkwan hugs him tighter.
Seungkwan explains everything that has happened since the day of their fight, including anything important that’s been going on in his life. He tells him about all the times he got together with Hansol, how they started texting, trying to make him understand that he didn’t intend for all of this to happen, that is all very new, hoping it’s enough for him not to get mad because he didn’t tell him. Chan takes it very well, listening to him with a small smile on his face.
"You really like him, don't you?" he asks once he's done.
"I do," Seungkwan says. He can't help but smile too.
Chan updates him on all the important things that are going on with him too. The new projects he’s been working on, the places he’s been to. He even tells him about some toner he found on discount, which he got for Seungkwan too, knowing he would have the chance to give it to him soon. It’s a small gesture, but thinking about Chan being so sure of their friendship makes his heart warm.
They’re still talking when Jun arrives, smiling wildly and running to Seungkwan as soon as he sees him. “Seungkwanie, you’re back!” he shouts, hugging him tightly.
Chan looks at them with the sappiest smile he has ever seen on anyone, it’s honestly disgusting, but it’s worse when he pulls away from Jun and sees the same look on his face. Seungkwan makes a face at Chan, trying to convey his question about anything new that might have happened between them. There’s some sort of lovely energy going on, they both seem whipped.
“I saw you at the gym yesterday,” Jun tells him, raising his eyebrows.
Seungkwan blushes. “I know.”
“We’ll talk about it later, okay?”
“Okay.”
When Jun goes to his room, Chan tells him the fight has brought them closer. Apparently, they've even been sleeping on the same bed quite often. It sounds complicated, but Chan seems happy, which is all that matters to Seungkwan.
“I’ll talk to him soon,” he says, smiling like a lovesick fool.
“Just kiss him, I’m sure he’ll like it,” Seungkwan says, still unable to keep his advice to himself.
“Is that what you did?” Chan asks, scrunching up his face.
It’s not, he cried in Hansol's arms, that’s what he did, but he doesn’t need to tell him that. Seungkwan blushes thinking about it. Chan looks horrified. “I’m not telling you the details of my relationship with your brother.”
“You have a relationship with my brother.” Chan pretends to puke. “Please don’t ever tell me the details.”
Seungkwan just laughs. He hasn’t felt this happy in a long time.