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It was at the age of 3 when his soulmate was born, the small drawing of a lily was marked on his left wrist. His mother was on the verge of tears when she saw it, very happy that her little boy had a soulmate (he failed to understand that she was actually relieved that he was meant to love someone, unlike his brothers).
His mother told him stories that bordered on the fantasy about lovers destined to be together. Women repressed from childhood being freed from it by their soulmate, men and women who disowned their soulmate until they met them and fell madly in love with them.
Sanji clung to that, after all it was the only hope he had left inside that gloomy cell. He casually avoided asking himself why his mother never explained her experience, he didn't need to hear that story.
He asked for books to pass the time, luckily he had his sister and some guards who took pity on him and allowed him to do more than just exist.
Love stories that kept his heart burning even though he wanted to cry. A false joy made up of stories and more stories of soulmates, always with a happy ending. He tried to avoid endings similar to those he was destined for.
A man who welcomed a slave woman without any of them knowing that they were soulmates, he gradually fell in love with her. A woman who fell in love with the woman she was supposed to execute, another with a woman who crossed all the seas to meet her soulmate. And so with hundreds of other stories. He sometimes, while he was just looking at the ceiling, remembered the stories that his mother had once told him while she caressed Sanji's wrist.
His only hope lay there, in his soulmate. Dreaming of being able to live one of those stories that he and his mother loved so much. Perhaps his soulmate would get him out of that torture and he could live peacefully away from his demons. Although the bars of the cell always reminded him that reality is not always written by victorious people, that he was probably destined to lose.
After two months, Sanji looked at his wrist mark again for the first time since his mother died, forcing a smile.
Four months later, the doctor came out of his cell for the third time in the last two days. When he told Reiju about his pain, he somehow forced Reiju to convince one of his mother's doctors to attend Sanji. The doctor never asked why he was still alive, why he was locked up and disowned. Perhaps he already knew it, perhaps he thought the same as his father. But at this point Sanji didn't care.
He was cowering in a corner of the cell, gasping for breath but not crying, just having a hard time breathing, when Reiju's footsteps were heard repeatedly, announcing that she was coming down the stairs.
He didn't look up as she stood in the doorway.
"I've talked to your doctor, he didn't want to tell you anything." she said surprisingly carefully. "Your body is fine, that's good."
Sanji was eerily silent, it seemed like he was holding his breath. Reiju paused briefly, as if he was trying to think of what to say next.
"They died," Reiju finally announced, cold as always but with a concerned tone that only Sanji had learned to identify. “Your soulmate is dead.”
He had never thought that he would end up living like this. They were a few very hard years until he got used to it, or at least he led himself to believe that he had gotten used to it. He never mentioned it to anyone, not that he thought it was necessary.
He didn't even investigate if there was any way to ease the pain, he wasn't interested. It wasn't easy to cover up the mark either, learning that it was permanent and wouldn't go away. Those around him didn't seem to care much about sou mates either: he learned from some cooks that the mark could mean something platonic, not romantic; also that sometimes destiny was wrong and didn't correctly assign the soulmates or that in some cases even the mark would never appear.
And the last one seemed to be the case with his captain.
“Ace kept telling me it wasn't really that important,” he explained with a shrug when the subject came up. "Not that I cared, he has his mark but he has never been interested in it."
And, oh, Ace. He had met him a few weeks ago and he still felt an even deeper emptiness inside him. He had been too nice for Sanji not to fall for him. They only spent a few days together but there was an instant connection and he was sure Ace felt it too. He had almost forgotten about his own mark, but seeing a creature he didn't know marked on Ace's ankle, he backed away immediately.
"He's far from here," he explained when Sanji asked him. “He doesn't really care what I do, he just wants me to come back. And that is what I'll do, I promised him freedom and I intend to give it to him, whatever it takes.” The fond smile shattered Sanji.
Every word of Ace marked him.
It was wrong. Nothing was supposed to happen and he had almost fallen for the first time in a long time. He had almost forgotten about his soulmate and he felt disgusting for it. Wasn't that the pain he deserved? No one would ever come to save him, and perhaps it was just what he deserved.
Ace seemed to understand, or at least notice a change in the cook, because he didn't try anything else.
“It's just that your brother isn't much better than you,” Nami snapped. “Some people do care.”
Usopp made an awkward face. “Are you okay about Vivi?”
For a moment Nami looked affected and weak, but she quickly pulled herself together, looking down and hugging herself, but with a confident smile more characteristic of her. "Of course, if we've already met once, we're destined to meet again."
Luffy grimaced. “Destined? I will see to it myself that we meet her again!” he grumbled to her.
They all let out a sigh and Robin laughed.
He had witnessed firsthand the genuine love between the two women. Both without hiding that they were soulmates and enjoying each other's company. The soft smiles, the genuine affection and concern. As they didn't try to hide it and celebrated it. They both deserved it.
“What is it like to meet your soulmate?” Chopper asked curiously.
Nami smiled.
Sanji remembered that night.
"It's like... being free."
Sanji remembered the stab to his heart, paralyzing for a moment and feeling the full weight of his helmet.
"At first I felt tightness in my chest," Nami placed a hand on his left breast. "Like a slight prick that fades away."
Sanji's pain never went away.
"But then, it felt nice, my whole body got warm."
Sanji could only remember the cold of the cell and the loneliness.
"I felt complete, as if nothing else was missing in my life."
He remembered crying, assuming he was destined for loneliness.
“When I was with her, she just pushed me to do my best and to face whatever came my way.” She smiled as she patted Chopper's head.
Also the desire to disappear and stop feeling the pain.
"That's lovely," Chopper finally said, looking on the verge of tears.
“Bullshit.” Zoro said, receiving a glare from Nami.
“Sorry to interrupt, but I'm going out.” Sanj interrupted, just as Nami was going to answer the idiot. "I'll be right back."
He got up, trying to ignore the strong presence of eyes following him violently.
Luckily not everyone noticed Sanji's bad mood and went on with their talk, now Usopp talking about how wonderful his soulmate was and how much he missed her. Everyone's voice trailed off as he closed the kitchen door and leaned back against it, inhaling deeply.
His chest was on fire at that moment, and he was starting to feel a lot like the first time he felt it. He had learned to put up with it, but maybe he had been envious or maybe it was just one of those times when it hurt for no apparent reason. Either way, he just wanted a damn cigarette.
He shouldn't feel like that, he was very happy for Nami and he didn't want to ruin the moment. So many years, 11 years and he still looked like that stupid child who cried between the bars in the absence of consolation.
He was lost in his thoughts while he finished the cigarette, easing the tension in him slightly. Then decided it was time to go back. When he opened the door they continued their talk without cutting it off when the cook entered. It seemed that now they had returned to the discussion between Nami and Zoro. Luffy seemed to just listen to the exchange without caring too much but looking at him when he saw Sanji enter, narrowing his eyes and not looking away. Robin looked at him but she quickly looked back at Nami and Zoro with a smile. Usopp was cowering in his seat, until he noticed Sanji's presence and his face showed relief at being able to change the talk.
“Oh! It's Sanji!" Everyone was silent for a moment, now paying attention to Usopp and Sanji. "You have a mark-"
“I have one too,” Robin interrupted, taking a sip of his tea. All of the gazes were directed at her.
"Really?"
She nodded, "I have it on my back, you couldn't have seen it."
“Did you meet them? Your soulmate, I mean.” Chopper asked.
She smiled again, giving Sanji a quick glance before turning her focus back to Chopper. "I did, in fact it was when I was a kid."
"What happened to them?"
“He died.” She announced, creating a heavy atmosphere in the kitchen.
“Wow, huh, uh. I'm sorry." Usopp muttered.
She shook her head. “It was a long time ago, and he was just a friend anyway. My first friend, actually. He never knew we were soul mates, we really didn't feel anything when we met. At least in my case."
"That sounds sad." Nami pronounced.
“It is, but it doesn't really matter anymore. He helped me a lot and I am who I am thanks to him, instead of remembering it sadly, I carry it with gratitude.”
There was a small exchange, but Sanji was no longer listening. The pressure in his chest returned and he felt overwhelmed. It was strange, Robin had barely talked about herself and now she was being so open about her soulmate. Something that Sanji couldn't. The wound on her seemed apparently healed and not only that, she hugged it tightly and lovingly, and Sanji felt envy again.
What snapped him out of the reverie of his thoughts was the intense gaze on him. He turned his head to notice that it was indeed his captain who was looking at him, and not with the expression he would have liked.
"And you, Sanji?" Nami mentioned now a little less cheerfully. “You have a mark on your wrist, right? Have you met them?”
Without taking his gaze from his captain, he answered her. "No, I don't know them."
He witnessed firsthand the love between Franky and Robin. They seemed happy together and Sanji never understood why. He couldn't forget his soulmate, he really couldn't think of anything else when he met someone he was interested in. He felt it was betraying the person who was destined to receive all of Sanji's love, Sanji had a lot of love to offer and he could only pour it out on his crew without feeling guilty.
The pain was becoming unbearable, and even he debated whether he should consult it with Robin. She had been through a lot alone, and he also knew that she hadn't told the truth that night at all. Something in her had still been painful and he could only tell now that he saw the contrast of how happy he was with Franky. He didn't seem to hide anything anymore and finally seemed to be genuinely happy.
Sanji didn't dare break that happiness.
So, he tried with his captain.
"I know you don't give a damn about any of this shit." Sanji muttered, as if he was having a hard time talking about it. “But how does it feel to live without a soulmate?
They were both looking out to sea, Sanji leaning on the railing and Luffy just hanging from it.
He could almost see Luffy's frown as he replied, “I don't know. I don't know what it's like to live with a soulmate or a mark. And if they somehow appear, even though I think it's highly unlikely, I don't think I'd care."
The sound of the breeze was the only thing that sounded before the silence.
Luffy suddenly jumped up and crouched on his tiptoes over the railing, looking at Sanji.
"Have you really never been curious?"
He shook his head but smiled. “Why would I want a soulmate if I have you? What Nami described is exactly what I feel every day with all of you, and that includes you of course.”
Sanji clucked his tongue, sometimes his captain could be too cutesy and he had a hard time admitting how much he loved that side of him.
"I don't know what bothers you so much about this," Luffy spoke again, more seriously now. "But whatever it is, if the soulmate snf the mark are being a problem, forget about them."
As if it were so easy, he didn't say. Instead, he snorted and turned to Luffy. "I'll try, captain. I'm trying"
He didn't miss the sad look on Luffy's face before heading off to make dinner.
When he thought it was impossible for his pain to grow more and more, it really happened. Parting with his crew for the first time had truly been an experience. The intense pain didn't go away for weeks, it was really unbearable but he didn't have time to lose to be writhing in pain.
He spent more than two years without taking a look at his mark, he didn't remember the last time he looked at it until Luffy one day started caressing it. It had been a habit between them to stay after dinner, Luffy didn't seem to want to be separated from his cook and Sanji really appreciated Luffy's presence.
He looked at it closely, seeing Luffy's careful gaze as he caressed it.
"Is there a problem, captain?" Sanji teased, feeling the touch nice.
Luffy frowned. "I don't like it."
That puzzled Sanji. "What?"
"This mark, I don't like it."
He watched Luffy closely, him still stroking his wrist even after admitting that he didn't like it. Sanji sighed softly, letting his head fall onto the kitchen table.
"I don' like it either."
It wasn't until he uttered that sentence tha he realized the pain had been barely noticeable.
Gradually, he stopped bearing the pain and began to understand it. It was hard, but the more he understood the less it hurt, but he didn't know how to feel about it. What if he stopped feeling the pain completely and the mark would eventually disappeared? He would just feel bad, the pain and the mark were the only thing that reminded him that he was once meant to love and be loved, only for it all to go to shit and the reality of it hit him.
It was those little moments where the wall that he himself had built crumbled more and more. Luffy hugged him and praised him, gave him his time and didn't pressure him. He let him caress his hair and fell asleep at the touch of Sanji's hands on his hair. It was in those moments where Sanji reconsidered his concept of love and what his mark meant. He noticed how Luffy kept closer to him than usual, how he seemed to be more attentive and patient with him. And Sanji knew what was going on between them, but he didn't want it. It wasn't fair to Luffy. Luffy didn't deserve someone who was scarred for life and doomed to pain. He sometimes wished that Luffy had been his soulmate, that would have fixed a lot of things. But it was still a selfish thought, Luffy wouldn't want to be destined, condemned to love someone when he had already remarked on many occasions how little he cared about it. Sometimes he felt that if Luffy listened to everything Sanji thought, he wouldn't love him as much as he said.
But what if he really deserved to be loved?
The intense pain of that day only proved otherwise. When he started to feel loved, when he thought maybe the pain wasn't worth it and Luffy and the rest could prove it to him, he went and ruined everything, like always.
The pain was such that he believed that he was going to die without further ado. He had trouble breathing and his hands tingled all day. The oppression was more suffocating than the horrible bracelets that decorated his wrists at the moment. He had no forgiveness and thought that he deserved that pain. That thought settled in and only caused him more pain.
Tears didn't fix anything and relief never came. That night he also thought that death seemed to be his destiny, the same as his soulmate's. That he would never cook for anyone again, no more thanks from Robin and Nami, no more adventures with the boys, no more nights of parties and banquets, no more smiles or caresses from Luffy. No more love or happiness from any of them, from Luffy. He remembered Luffy screaming with a broken voice, when the pain in his chest had been unbearable.
He widened his eyes at that thought. Was he simply stalling himself between negative thoughts? He had been happy with them, with Luffy. He had never been able to appreciate it until now, ironically. He wanted that and he wanted to get back to them, maybe he could fix it before it was too late. And even if it was already too late, he might have owed Luffy a few words before accepting his fate.
He ran.
Sanji learned that soulmates were a more complicated concept than his childhood stories. It didn't mean unconditional love, and of course you didn't owe your soul mate anything.
Luffy had been the spitting image of it, even without a soulmate. He had taught him that each person was free to choose who to love or who to hate. He taught him that clinging to something that only causes pain wasn't good and that the page had to be turned. That he didn't deserved to feel that pain.
Getting back together with Luffy after all the mess he caused taught him that maybe he too could let go and choose who to love.
They learned that they made each other happy, that they could share sorrows and pains, that the other would embrace them and feel together with the other. That kisses, hugs and caresses could relieve the pain in his chest momentarily, and that Luffy's laugh made him completely forget that pain existed.
Luffy showed him that he did deserve to be loved and that, of course, he deserved the happiness that Sanji himself had deprived himself of. Sanji also showed Luffy that love had more meaning than Luffy himself had experienced. Feeling both the closest thing to having a soulmate, even without having one.
"I chose to love you." he had smiled at him as dazzlingly as ever.
The pain in his chest remained forever, but Luffy chose to love Sanji.
And Sanji chose to love Luffy.