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Samedi 2.33
It was a great night, everyone had fun.
Maya won’t leave. They agreed to be friends.
Just friends.
Lola kept repeating that to herself, as the party was winding down.
Maya will stay.
The two of them are now friends. It’s better that way.
The thing is, at the beginning of the night she really believed they could do that. Be just friend. It wasn’t ideal. It wasn’t what she wanted. There was a myriad of things they were still avoiding discussing about, but they could do it.
As hours went by, she grew more and more skeptical. There was nothing friendly in the way they had been looking at each other while they danced. And when Maya’s hand briefly brushed against her hip, probably out of habit, Lola’s heart skipped a bit.
But it wasn’t just the dancing. It was also the lump in her throat as she spotted Maya taking a picture of a barely alive Katherine.
And then again, the twisted sense of triumph she felt when Clement hugged her goodbye and kissed her on her cheek before leaving the party. Lola caught her ex-girlfriend staring and she enjoyed it. Was she jealous? Did she want Maya to be jealous?
Now she was no expert, but Lola was convinced that that was not “exes who stay friends” approved behavior. So she closed her eyes, leaned against the wall, took a big breath and went over her new mantra once again.
Everyone is happy. Maya stays and wants to be her friend, which is absolutely fantastic.
“Come on!! The game is truth or dare people, we have to sit in a circle”.
Lola was brought back to reality by Tiff, screaming over the music. Her friend had managed to drag almost everyone of the remaining party guests to the middle of the living room, but she was growing more and more exasperated from their lack of cooperation.
Lola realized that she needed an exit plan if she didn’t want to be Tiff’s next victim. A game of truth or dare with her drunk friends and her ex sounded nightmarish. Sliding cautiously against the wall, she reached the open window and found refuge on the balcony.
“Hey, look who is here!” Jo immediately greeted her “From what I remember, our Lola really enjoys picking up garbage… so maybe she can help you while I sit down and take a nap?”
“She doesn’t know the system” argued back Bilal. He was cleaning up all the trash left behind from the party and meticulously sorting out what could be recycled.
“It’s not complicated, it’s just trash”.
“I can help! I’m a fugitive and I’ll take any job as long as you don’t rat me out to Tiff” Lola said, putting an end to her friends’ bickering. “They are playing truth or dare in there and, honestly, it would be torture”.
Jo laughed and handed her the garbage bag she was holding. The three of them spent some time like that, Bilal sorting out glass bottles, plastic cups and paper towels, Lola following him around like a dutiful assistant and Jo gossiping about who kissed whom at the party.
Ironically, what started it all was the empty pack of orange juice that probably only Lola and Maya drank that night.
“Bilal, you’re doing it wrong! That is made of plastic!”
“It’s paper”.
“It can’t be paper”.
“Jo, I promise you, this goes in the paper bin” insisted Bilal.
“On a scale to 1 to a 100, how sure are you?”
“100% sure, they explained it in the documentary about landfills that June made me watch last week. What happens when we mistakenly recycle…”
“June? Who is this June, now?” Jo interrupted him.
“June from the asso. Oh come on, you met her. Maya’s girl”.
If she had not been completely shocked from what she just heard, Lola would have found her friends facial expressions hilarious. Bilal repeatedly swore under his breath. Jo’s eyes grew comically big and stared at her in complete horror.
Did Bilal just say Maya’s girl? Maya was dating someone else.
Of course, she was. Lola knew she didn’t have any right to be mad at her, she broke up with her.
But all she felt was anger.
Samedi 2.59
Before the party, Maya had felt very anxious. She wasn’t sure why, she really wanted to celebrate with her friends. There was just something that made her mindlessly pick the skin around her nails. Surprisingly, the night turned out to be a lot of fun and, after a while, Maya just relaxed and enjoyed herself. She even let her friends convince her to play truth or dare.
Anais had dared Tiff to kiss her, but as they got closer, the two girls couldn’t help but start laughing until tears were coming out from their eyes.
Without realizing, Maya looked around the room to spot her reaction to the scene. But Lola wasn’t there, scrunching her pretty nose and rolling her eyes. She saw her before, sneaking away to the balcony.
Maya tried not to read too much into it. She missed Lola, but not like that. They were friends now.
She missed Lola because it had always been a little game they played at parties: making fun of everyone else, while usually being the only sober two.
And then, suddenly, there she was. Lola stormed into the living room, her eye’s immediately on Maya’s. Maya just admired her for a little too long, before realizing there was something bothering her. Her expression was tense as she took rapid steps into the living room.
Lola stopped right in front of her, reached down and took the empty glass bottle they were using to play the game. She aggressively turned it to face Maya.
“Are you dating June?”
Maya swore she heard Lola’s voice tremble for a second. She drifted her eyes away immediately because she couldn’t handle her angry gaze. Her stomach was twisting with guilt, but she said nothing.
“This is not how you play the game, Lola. You’re supposed to spin the bottle and then ask truth or dare…” Tiff tried to explain, too drunk to know any better.
“Are you together?”
Maya swallowed. It was all her fault, they should have had this conversation before and in private. Lola was staring at her, her eyes like daggers. She was holding both hands in a fist by her side.
“No, we are not dating” was all Maya could say, in a small voice.
“But you slept with her?”
“Yes”.
“Before or after?” insisted Lola.
“Please, kill me now” implored Max, slowly stressing each word.
“Before or after what?”
“Before or after we broke up?”
Maya was starting to get really uncomfortable. Lola didn’t get to do that, she was humiliating her in front of everyone for no reason. She knew she didn’t deserve it.
“I think you need to be more specific Lola, you broke up with me like three times in a row” she bit back, feeling a little bold.
Lola opened and closed her mouth, but remained silent. All her rage seemed to be vanished. She looked around the room as she was just realizing they had an audience all along.
Jo, who followed Lola from the balcony, desperately tried to change the subject “Okay, I think you guys should stop playing this game! What do you say if we put on some good music and…”
“After, if you care to know. It didn’t really last, I was pretty miserable and not of great company” continued Maya.
“I’m sorry” Lola whispered. Maya noticed she was fighting back tears, but resisted the urge to get up and hold her in her arms. “I’m sorry, I’m just… I always ruin everything. I will just leave and you can continue with the game”.
She took her jacket and left.
Samedi 3.27
Lola had been laying down, suffering in peace for a while, when she heard the front gate squeak. She didn’t want to get her hopes up, so she stayed right there on the floor, her teeth torturing her bottom lip.
The visitor opened the door with caution and took some steps inside the greenhouse.
“I know it’s rich coming from me, but you should really learn to pick up your stupid phone, Lola”.
Lola was glad to be right. She got up on her elbows and took a good glance at Maya, to make sure she was really there.
“Dead battery. What are you doing here?” she asked. She was surprised by how harsh her own question sounded.
“I’m checking on you… your father wants to know if you’re alright” Maya answered distractedly, her hands busy texting.
“Thierry texted you!!” she realized in horror “Putain, I’m sorry! That is embarrassing”.
“Oh sure, Lola. It’s so embarrassing that Thierry worries about his daughter. It must be difficult for you” she was still texting and not looking at her, but Lola could see she was grinning.
“It was more a I want to make sure nobody kidnapped her, then a I’m worried she might be losing control, if that makes you feel better” Maya conceded.
“It does, thank you… It’s weird he’s still texting you, I will ask him to stop”.
“Don’t. I like it”.
Lola was secretly glad she and Thierry were keeping in touch. Their relationship was very endearing: Maya desperately calling him when the fridge at the apartment broke down, Thierry seriously considering going vegetarian, after hearing so many of Maya’s passionate speeches.
“I think if someone made him pick his favorite between me and Daphne, he would probably choose you” Lola was only half joking.
“Ah, no way!” Maya seemed doubtful “I don’t stand a chance! I’m sorry but Basile is definitely at the top of Thierry’s list, before any of us”.
They both laughed wholeheartedly at that and for a second Lola forgot about everything else.
“Should I stay or do you want to be left alone?” asked Maya. Lola shook he head. “No, please join me. We should talk. You know, without a public”.
“Yes, maybe we can do that somewhere more comfortable”.
“No, I like it here on the floor” disagreed Lola, pointing her finger at the sky “The moon is full tonight”.
Maya laid down next to her and they fell into a comfortable silence for a bit.
Maya admired the moon through the skylight and Lola couldn’t resist but stare at her. She wished she could just wrap her arms around Maya and rest her head on her shoulder.
“You know, Max and Tiff do this thing where they ask each other three questions and have to answer to them right away” Maya explained.
Lola failed to keep a straight face and immediately burst out laughing. “Oh putain, that’s lame!”
“Yes, it absolutely is. You should see them arguing quietly on the sofa while sipping tea. But who knows, it seems to work for them. Do you want to give it a go?”
“Alright, I’ll start” Lola agreed, without much convincing to do “I think you need therapy”.
“Wow, that’s definitely not a question! You’re already cheating!” Maya replied with a smirk.
“Maya, I’m serious. I really believe you should go to therapy” insisted Lola, with a concerned expression.
“I know, I will. I have an appointment next week. But thank you, Madame psychologist”.
“Well, I’m pretty good” Lola bragged “but I can’t yet cure cute girls by just staring at them while they sleep”. She closed her eyes and enjoyed Maya’s giggle. Lola really missed that beautiful sound, she had always loved making Maya laugh.
“Okay, my turn. Mine isn’t a question either. Tonight, before… You said you’re not easy to love” Maya’s tone turned serious “You caught me off guard, but I want to make it clear that you are completely wrong. You’re very easy to love, Lola. You’re an incredibly lovable person. I’m really sorry if I’ve ever made you believe anything less”.
Lola was grateful for the low lighting of the greenhouse that was hiding her blushing. She was very aware of Maya’s eyes on her.
“Thank you” she whispered, mentally cursing herself for getting emotional so easily. Maya’s words tended to have that effect on her lately.
“Two to go, I guess it’s your turn”.
“Why did you decide to stay?” she blurted out, unsure on whether or not that was the right question to ask.
“Well, a number of reasons. I really considered going for a while. It was a good opportunity, but it would have meant leaving everything behind: my friends, my grandma, my job. Honestly, I made a pros and cons list and the results were pretty clear”.
“You did what?” asked Lola, shocked “Who are you?”
“Pros and cons list can be useful” continued Maya, to Lola’s bewilderment.
“You’re scaring me, you sound like my sister”.
“The list really helped”.
“Wow, you must have been in a much darker place then I thought!”
Maya smacked her arm playfully, trying not to laugh. Lola was suddenly reminded of how very close to each other they were laying on the floor.
“Was I on the list?” she asked, without realizing she was doing so out loud. Maya turned to her, but remained silent. “You know, pros to leaving for Ireland: I don’t have to see Lola’s stupid face for a couple of months” she added, mimicking a check mark with her hand.
“I managed to be pretty absent when we were together and living in the same city, I definitely don’t need to leave the country for that”.
Samedi 3.44
Maya regretted her words the second they left her mouth. She knew what she was doing: using sarcasm instead of admitting her own mistakes. It was her coping mechanism of choice lately and she hated herself for it. She looked at Lola frowning next to her: she deserved a proper apology.
“What happened with June?” Lola spoke before Maya could even begin to find the right words.
“Hey, it was my turn!” she protested.
“It’s okay if you don’t want to talk about it”.
Maya’s mouth went dry. “Ahm, there is not much to say, she’s from the asso. I wanted to stop feeling miserable and she was at the wrong place at the wrong time”.
Lola hummed.
“I didn’t mean to hurt you”.
“You didn’t hurt me Maya, what makes you think that!?” she raised her voice “I don’t care that you slept with her!”
Maya felt her heart sink.
Lola didn’t care. She broke up with her, after all.
Maybe she was already dating someone new. She had been a fool for still hoping they could save their relationship.
She tried to keep her emotion under control, but her voice still came out shaky “Why are you asking me this question, then?”
“Why am I asking you about June? Well, I thought it was pretty obvious…” Lola didn’t seem to notice the effect that her words had. “Do you really need me to spit it out, Maya? I’m jealous, there I said it. I’m incredibly jealous. Or I wouldn’t have put up that pathetic show in front of everyone at the apartment”.
She was looking at her shily, Maya could see that her cheeks were a little bit flushed, despite there were only some candles lighting up the greenhouse.
“I’m so ashamed of that, I behaved like a complete idiot. I’m really sorry” Lola covered her face with her palms. “What I meant to say before was that I’m not upset that you slept with her, I’m upset that you kept it a secret. I hate when you hide stuff from me. In the last months, I became some sort of female Sherlock Holmes, trying to figure out what has been on your mind at all times. It’s exhausting. And I became clingy and frustrated. It doesn’t matter if we are together or not, I want you to tell me everything, Maya. I want to be comfortable with telling you everything. Share the good stuff and the bad stuff, like we used to.”
“You’re jealous” Maya said, her head still a bit dizzy from the revelation.
“Is that all you’ve got from my big speech?!” Lola scolded her.
“You broke up with me and now you’re jealous”.
“Yes, what can I say. I love chaos” she joked, but Maya sensed there was something else she was hiding. She wasn’t sure about Lola’s feelings, but she wanted to try her best and express her own.
“I know I have been a terrible girlfriend and a terrible friend lately, but I promise I will do everything I can to get better. I’m determined to change, to open up more, to be more present. I really hope you will forgive me and that you will be willing to help me out in this journey, Lola. Because whatever happens between us, you’re still one of the most important people in my life and I will always want you around” Maya had to stop to catch her breath. She spoke so fast, as if she was afraid something could cut her short.
“Your name was on my Ireland pros and cons list. High up, on the reasons to stay side. Obviously.” She finally admitted.
Lola was smiling brightly at her, almost beaming.
Neither of them said anything for a bit. Maya’s heart was beating out of her chest and the air in the greenhouse was electric.
“I think I run out of questions, but you still have two so… go on, shoot!” Lola reminded her, opening her arms theatrically, like she was offering herself as a sacrifice. With the movement, a loose strand of hair fell in front of her eye. Maya instinctively reached out and tucked behind Lola’s ear. Their eyes locked and she swore the cold concrete under them suddenly turned into burning lava. They were laying dangerously close to each other.
Maya felt the adrenaline in her veins and decided it was the right moment to ask the question that had been torturing her for days. It was really now or never.
“When did you realize you weren’t in love with me anymore?”
Lola turned to face her, her mouth opened in shock.
“You can’t ask me that!”
“Why not?”
“I’m not going to answer it” Lola was staring at her with a stern expression, her arms crossed.
“Okay, I won’t insist.” Maya was growing more and more confused by her behavior. Why was Lola so reluctant to answer her question?
“It’s just the timing doesn’t really add up” explained Maya “I want to understand better, I keep going back to what I did and what I said to try and figure out when exactly it ended for you”.
Lola shook her head but said nothing. Her silence was infuriating.
“I felt really ashamed when I ended things with June. I used intimacy with her to prove to myself that I was fine and that I was over you. Clearly, they were both lies. We weren’t on the same page: June wanted more and I made her suffer. Is that what happened between us? You kissed me that night and then we… You made me believe we could fix it and then you broke my heart”.
Samedi 4.12
“I can’t do this, I need a cigarette right now!” exclaimed Lola. She stood up and offered Maya her hand so she could do the same. With the contact, her stomach did something funny. Lola slowly walked over the other side of the greenhouse and opened one of the windows. The fresh air of the early morning calmed her down a bit.
She felt Maya’s presence behind her back. She knew it was time to tell the truth, even if it terrified her.
“I gave you a way out and you took it”.
“What?”
“I gave you a way out and you took it. I was sad and frustrated, I couldn’t see our relationship going anywhere but I knew you wouldn’t leave me even if you wanted to. So I lied. I told you I didn’t love you anymore.” Lola’s voice cracked, she didn’t have the courage to turn around and face Maya. She had to take a big breath before repeating “I gave you a way out and you took it”.
“It doesn’t make any sense! You told me it was over, what the hell was I supposed to… Can you look at me while I speak?!” Maya was just yelling at her at this point, like she knew she deserved. Lola turned around reluctantly.
“I’m so sorry, I thought it was the right choice”
“What was I supposed to do, Lola?”
“You could have run after me but you didn’t”.
“You broke my heart”.
Lola could see that Maya was fighting back tears. She felt overwhelmed, the only thing she could do was apologizing again.
“I’m sorry”.
“You are sorry? Is that the best you can do?”
“I’m not sure what you want me to say. Would it make you feel better to know that I suffered as much as you did? That I cried myself to sleep every night for a week? That I was terrified of relapsing?”
She wasn’t done talking, when Maya walked up to her and held her in her arms. Lola was in complete shock. She expected Maya to scream at her and maybe flee the greenhouse, too upset to even look at her. But she wasn’t mad, she was hugging her. Lola abandoned herself in Maya’s arms and tried not to sob so loudly.
“It’s fine, you won’t relapse Lola, I promise. You’re the strongest person I know” whispered Maya in her ear. She took a step back, breaking their hug, and dried off Lola’s tears with her thumb.
“You don’t hate me, then?”
Maya snorted “The thing is, I don’t think I’m physically capable of hating you”.
“My god, we’re such a mess!” Lola smiled at her fondly and reached for the pack of cigarette in the back pocket of her jeans.
“You should quit, it’s not good for you”.
Lola nodded “I know. I just feel like it calms my nerves, which it’s really dumb”.
“Are you nervous right now?” asked Maya.
“I am. Lately I get a bit uneasy when I’m around you”. Lola put a cigarette between her lips but realized she didn’t have a lighter with her.
“Wait, I think there is the one we use to light up the candles”. Maya found the lighter in a little cardboard box, under the sofa, and handed it over to her.
Inadvertedly, Lola stared at Maya’s wrist, where two little black circles used to be.
“I noticed that you got rid of it, but I didn’t say anything” she explained, ducking her head.
Maya followed her eyes to the faded tattoo on her skin. “I’m sorry, I was mad. I thought I could just erase all the pain by removing it”.
“Don’t worry. It’s two circles, right? One for the each of us. I’ll keep mine for the both of us”.
“You will keep it?”
Lola took a big breath before answering and then just confessed “Of course I will, I love you”.
She waited for her response, but nothing came. Maya was just standing there, so close to her. It seemed like there was still something holding her back.
Lola knew she shouldn’t be disappointed by her reaction, maybe Maya needed more time. It was alright, the most important thing was that now they cleared the air between each other.
She tried to change the subject “You still have one question for me, don’t you?”
“What?” Maya wasn’t even listening to her. It was still really painful.
“You never asked me your third question” she repeated.
Smoking wasn’t an option anymore, the lighter wasn’t working properly despite Lola’s many attempts.
Suddenly, Maya reached for the cigarette that Lola was holding between her lips and took it. Lola was startled and followed Maya’s hand almost hypnotized.
“Here is my third question. If I admit that I’m very much in love with you, do I get to kiss you?”
The grin on Lola’s face was so big that Maya didn’t even wait for her little nod before leaning in.