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It was late one fall evening in the House of Mouse. It was busy, as usual. There were princesses and princes, animals and humans and those in-between, and one particularly rowdy table in the corner where 4 of the most vile men in all of history sat discussing one topic that you could be certain none of them understood.
Love.
"For the thousandth blasted time, no!" Captain James Hook shouted.
"C'mon, there must've been someone!" The burly Gaston said. "No pretty tavern wenches or lovely pirate queens that ever caught your eye?"
The Captain slammed his hook on the table. "No! No wenches or queens or any other woman for that matter! And if you don't stop asking, I'll run you through with my cutlass!"
"Alright, alright, I'll drop it." Gaston said. He then turned his attention to the scraggly bearded wizard across from him. "What about you Jafar? Have you ever had a missus?"
"No." Jafar said bluntly before having a sip of his drink.
Gaston waited for more, but when he realized nothing else was coming he tried again. "Why not? You were the king's advisor! The ladies must've been lining up for you!"
Jafar sighed. "This may be hard for you to believe, but foe a long time, I wasn't particularly interested in having a wife. I was busy with my studies and helping the sultan avoid disaster. No time for damsels." Jafar's expression morphed into bitterness and anger. "And by the time I felt the desire for companionship, I was considered too old and ugly for any woman to want me."
Lord of the Underworld, Hades, chuckled. "I can't blame them. Your face alone, oi, must've haunted their nightmares. "
Gaston laughed heartily at the joke before Jafar shouted. "Silence! I will not be insulted by anyone, including a god!"
Hook, who had been looking at the menu, spoke. "What about you then, Hades? Have you ever been in love?"
Hades leaned back a bit in the booth. "Well, y'know, I have a wife, but um, she and I don't really see eye to eye on a lot of things." He said surprisingly sheepishly for a god. "Plus, I think she still resents me for kidnapping her and forcing her to live with me in the underworld. But hey, that's women!" Hades tried to rebound with a smirk.
Jafar scoffed, but then turned his gaze onto Gaston. "That leaves you who hasn't answered the question. Have you ever found love?"
Gaston smiled. "Oh, I've had many women, my friends. They'd swoon and fight over me, and I'd take the prettiest one to bed."
Hook placed an order with a waiter while Gaston was talking. "That wasn't the question." He said as the waiter walked away. "But I happen to know the answer to this one."
Jafar and Hades leaned in. "Do tell." Hades said.
Gaston tried to stop this but Hook cut him off before he could.
"Gaston was trying to woo a young woman I believe named Belle. He tried to entice her with his looks and brawn, but she always refused his advances." Hook started to smile. "Eventually, after a hilarious failed proposal which ended with Gaston landing face first into mud in front of the entire village, Belle ran off." Hook's smile grew larger at this point. "And when she came back she had fallen in love with a hairy beast!" The last few words barely got out before Hook started howling with laughter.
The other two cackled along with the pirate while Gaston boiled. "That's enough! Nobody mocks Gastopn and gets away with it!"
He readies a punch before Hades interrupts. "Woah, slow down big guy, no need to get violent. We're all just having a laugh among friends, okay?"
Gaston breathes in deep before sitting down again in an angry silence. They all sit there for a moment awkwardly, no one wanting to continue the conversation. Not out of fear, they just didn't feel like getting into a brawl at the moment. Hook's food arrived and he began eating his meal.
Eventually, Hades broke the silence. "Y'know Hook, we all gave reasons we didn't find love, but you only said you never had."
"So? What of it?" Hook said after swallowing a bite of his smoked salmon.
"Well, what's the reason? Were you too busy hunting Pan or something?" Hades asked. The other two seemed to be intently listening.
"I had a life before Pan, you know." Hook said shortly.
"What was it then?"
"That is not your business."
"C'mon, just tell us already!"
"Why hello gentlemen. Whatever are you discussing?"
The two men stopped bickering and froze at the sound of the elegant, icy voice piercing into their conversation. All four turned their heads to look at the woman standing at the edge of the table. She was wearing her long black dress and demon horned helmet. Her green eyes striking true terror into the men's hearts.
"Lady Maleficent," Hook said, trying to hide his fear with a smile. "How nice it is to see you. We were just discussing our miserable love lives. Care to join in?"
Maleficent laughed a cruel cackle at this. "Your love lives? Tell me, have you discussed the moron's failed attempt at proposing to Belle yet?"
"Hey!" Gaston started. "You can't call me a-" But a sharp look from the Mistress of Evil stopped him there. He immediately deflated and quickly said. "I mean, nevermind." When the witch still stared at him, he surrendered. "I think I'm going to head home for the night. What about you guys?"
Jafar and Hades quickly agreed that they should be going as well, but Hook declined. "I think I'll stay a while longer and finish my meal. See you three another time."
Without needing any more excuse to leave, the hunter, the wizard, and the lord of the dead left. Leaving Hook with the terrifying woman that scared them off.
"Mind if I take a seat?" Maleficent asked with a warmer voice.
Hook's smile became more genuine. "You're very welcome to."
Maleficent sat with a sigh, dropping the intimidation act and relaxing. "How come you fear me so much less nowadays? Am I not as scary anymore?" She asked. She then placed her helmet on the table which revealed the natural horns beneath.
"You're plenty scary. I've just gotten used to you at this point." Said the Captain.
"Why do you even hangout with those fools anyways?" The fairy took a drink from one of the abandoned beverages. "They hardly seem like good company."
Hook finished his last bite of salmon before replying. "They're better than nothing. Or at least better than Frolo or Mim."
"Mim still has that crush on you?" Maleficent asked.
Hook nodded.
She sighed. "There are other people to talk to. What about Clayton or McLeach? They're both far more intelligent than Gaston."
"They're also both insufferable." He said. "Clayton thinks he is far more clever than he actually is, and McLeach is always bemoaning how he was beaten by a child."
"Hmm… who does that remind me of?" She mocked.
"If you think I talk about Pan a lot, you should try talking to McLeach." He said.
"Point taken." She said, and thought for a moment. "Have you tried talking to Prince John?"
Hook scoffed. "The man is an immature crybaby. Even the tiniest annoyance will make him throw a tantrum." Maleficent hummed in agreement. "Look Mali, I appreciate you trying to help, but I'm fine."
Her features softened, surprising for the epitome of evil, and she reached for his hand and squeezed it. "I know, but I worry about you. I know it was hard for you to lose your ship…" She paused. "And Smee."
"There's no replacing Smee." Hook said with controlled coolness.
"And I'm not trying to. I just want you to find someone to connect to again, like you did with Smee." She gave a smile, not a wicked grin or evil smirk, but a small, heartfelt smile.
Hook brooded for a moment, before sighing and finally returning the squeeze. He returned the soft smile for a moment, and then stood. "As much as I would like to stay, I've got a meeting to go to and it-"
"-would be bad form if you arrived late, I know." Maleficent said. She stood. "In that case, good day to you my friend. I hope your mysterious meeting goes well."
"Yes, well, I'm sure it will." Hook said, trying to put on his more fearsome air after the vulnerable conversation. "Good day to you as well, madam."
With that the two parted for the night, leaving the once full booth empty save for a couple of unfinished drinks and an empty plate. A couple penguin busboys came by to clean up the mess.
"What do you think those two were talking about?" One asked the other.
"Beats me." They replied. "Probably cooking up some scheme to cause a ruckus."
The first nodded in agreement, and they finished cleaning silently.