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i.
It used to be all of them, sharing feelings like little postcards from one to the next. In a way, they had all been one person, all of them looking through the world with the same eyes, and all of them feeling everything through the same heart. If one was hurt the others hurt and if one was happy, they all were happy.
Ichimatsu curls up next to Jyushimatsu, listening for his heartbeat. It scares him, sometimes, the thought that the only connection that has lasted, the only connection he truly has, that truly understands him in the entire world could leave him.
It started in high school.
ii.
One day in their second year, Jyushimatsu had been looking out the window. Ichimatsu had been looking at him, attention drifting from Calculus. The desire to feel the rush of falling had washed over Ichimatsu suddenly. Jyushimatsu’s hand had reached out toward the glass. Then he had pulled back. When Jyushimatsu had turned around smiling, Ichimatsu had thought of the blank expression that had been reflected in the glass.
iii.
It didn't stop; Jyushimatsu’s longing as a car raced past; his longing as he would stare at the ceiling fan; his longing as they would walk past the river on their way home from school. Longing, longing, and loneliness.
Ichimatsu had understood, to some degree. Jyushimatsu and Choromatsu were the only brothers not manipulative or aggressive and both were subjected to bullying. The only difference had been that Choromatsu had Osomatsu who was, it had seemed, the only one that had been allowed to bully him. Jyushimatsu only had him to pair up with back then and even Ichimatsu could admit that wasn’t much.
Jyushimatsu’s feelings had hurt every time. The loneliness had been so deep and Ichimatus had only gotten to peek down it. Jyushimatsu was so impulsive that Ichimatsu had to keep him in his sights. Just in case. What if he did it? What if he did it right in front of Ichimatsu?
Why hadn’t he been enough for him not to?
iv.
Ichimatsu had woken up in the night, his brothers sleeping next to him. 1...2...3...4...?
Jyushimatsu had been gone. There had been that ever-increasingly common ache in his heart. Loneliness, longing, longing. Ichimatsu had sprung out of bed his body twisting cat-like as he had scrambled up the stairs. There, he had seen Jyushimatsu sitting at the edge of the roof, staring up at the sky. Ichimatsu had felt the cold strike of fear and panic at the sight of his most precious brother’s feet at the edge.
He hadn’t been able to see his brother’s face and that had terrified him. Had he been smiling? What would’ve been the last picture Ichimatsu would have had of his brother’s face? Smiling? The shocked expression of a sudden death?
While his hands had been shaking, Ichimatsu had tried to get up. He hadn’t been able to. He had been frozen. He had been afraid.
Jyushimatsu had swayed. It had been like time had frozen as Ichimatsu had watched him pitch forward. He had rocked back. Relief had rushed through Ichimatsu in a flood. Time had resumed. Jyushimatsu had sat and settled and the longing Ichimatsu had felt had pulled back into Jyushimatsu like the tide.
No. Ichimatsu remembered that was the moment that he had grabbed onto those feelings. He hadn’t let them fall back into Jyushimatsu, hadn’t let them fill the overflowing well inside his brother. He had pulled and pulled until he had been drowning in it. Loneliness, longing. Oh god he had wanted to die. He wanted to die but-he’s-scared-someone k i l l him.
Taking a deep breath, he had managed to come back into himself. He had been able to feel the foreign (but familiar) feelings. He had been able to feel the depression (that was what that was right? How could his most precious brother have felt like that?) inside himself and he had marveled at what he had done.
He had stolen his brother's feelings. He had never known any of the other brothers to have been able to do that. It had been terrifying. But exhilarating. That was proof, right? That him and Jyushimatsu were intertwined, closer than any of the other brothers were.
Peeking out he had seen Jyushimatsu asleep, dead to the world. Sighing, he had half carried half dragged his younger brother back to bed, and had curled around him in his own exhaustion.
The next morning Ichimatsu had barely been able to get out of bed. He hadn’t wanted to face the day. He hadn’t wanted to see all the people who are mean to him even though he didn’t understand why. Whywhywhywhy—?
Ichimatsu had sat up suddenly. Those hadn’t been his thoughts. He had frowned, had this been how his brother felt?
“Ichimatsu-niisan!” A cheerful voice had called him, “You’re going to be late! Come on! Mom made breakfast!”
Blinking, Ichimatsu had been shocked to see Jyushimatsu, and not just Jyushimatsu but a happy, shining Jyushimatsu. He had looked light, like a balloon ready to float up and greet the sky; a sunflower tilting yellow toward the sun; a star twinkling soft in the night.
Reaching out, Ichimatsu had grappled and had pulled him close. His heart was still beating and he had reveled in the surprised sounds Jyushimatsu let out as he was wrestled into Ichimatsu’s hold.
“Nii-san?!”
Ichimatsu had held him tighter for a brief moment before he had let him go.
“Jyushimatsu.”
His brother had tilted his head, “Hm?”
Ichimatsu hadn’t been able to help but smile, “How do you feel?”
Jyushimatsu had smiled, “Great! Great! Wanna play baseball after school?”
The heaviness had resided still in his heart, longing and loneliness, loneliness and longing, but Ichimatsu had thought that this would work.
It started in high school.
v.
The doctor that the Matsuno family sees smiles at him. Choromatsu saw him before and Jyushimatsu will see him after and Osomatsu, Karamatsu, and Todomatsu went the day before. They used to go in order but Jyushimatsu would cry unless Ichimatsu went with him and Todomatsu and Karamatsu had insisted on going together as kids.
His height and weight and blood pressure were taken. His ears were looked at and he was given a brief eye exam just to check. His doctor asked if he smoked, his diet, how much sleep he was getting, how much exercise, and how he was feeling.
It was more in-depth than usual but Ichimatsu got a creeping feeling as it continued.
Do you feel sad?
How is your energy level?
What do you look forward to?
Do you feel worthless?
Do you feel hopeless?
Ichimatsu caught on too late to lie. He’s sent to another doctor who runs through questions and looks over answers his doctor had disclosed under the reasoning that Ichimatsu could be a danger to himself. Choromatsu accompanies him, partly to make sure he goes and partly out of guilt. He had been the one to rat him out.
A prescription is written up for him, antidepressants, an SSRI, a basic intro to psychoactive drugs. It will potentially be the beginning of a rotating number of trial-and-error medicinal treatments.
Ichimatsu knows that none of them work. He worries how they’ll affect him. He doesn’t think it’ll work, after all, it’s not his emotions. He doesn’t know how the feeling affects his brain chemistry. Will the drugs help if he keeps taking the negative feelings? Will he be spacy? A zombie? Will he gain even more weight? Will he be able to sleep? Will he be able to eat without getting nauseous?
Will he be able to get off???
He needs to get out of taking it. He glances at Choromatsu who had been told the prescription and was holding onto it, reading the information given to them as they walk home from the appointment. It would be difficult, he knows Choromatsu will micromanage it to make sure he takes it, maybe he’ll enlist Karamatsu and Osomatsu’s help. He’s pretty sure Karamatsu already knows.
When they get home Jyushimatsu is waiting, wearing his baseball uniform. He has a bat and rope ready. Ichimatsu sighs. It would have been nice but he just wasn’t in the mood anymore.
“Nii-saaaan!” Jyushimatsu bellows, “Where did you go?! Was it fun?”
“No.” Ichimatsu says. He glares at Choromatsu before turning back to Jyushimatsu.
He can feel Jyushimatsu’s worry. He pets his brother’s head. Jyushimatsu leans into it, closing his eyes as he relishes in it. The worry fades to the background.
“I’m going to go run another errand.” Choromatsu says, “Jyushimatsu you should cheer Ichimatsu up!”
“Baseball?!” Jyushimatsu asks.
Ichimatsu sighs and grumbles out ‘not today’. Jyushimatsu nods in understanding.
“Cats! Do the cats need to be fed?!”
Ichimatsu smiles at him. He hears Choromatsu leave back out the door, having never changed his shoes or crossed the genkan.
vi.
They went out to feed the cats; Jyushimatsu changed into his usual outfit. Then they walked around, wondering. At first, Ichimatsu had kept them under the guise of cats or checking to see if there were new porn videos. But he ran out of things and it got late.
“Ichimatsu-niisan,” Jyushimatsu says, “Let’s go home! I bet everyone's eaten all reaaaady.” He boos, puckering his lips.
“… You can go on ahead. I think I’m going to walk around more.”
“… Then I’ll stay as well.”
Ichimatsu smiles at him.
They get back late, past midnight. Ichimatsu is hoping that the others have gone to bed. That Choromatsu will have given up on giving him his medication for the night. Maybe, if Ichimatsu can avoid taking it long enough it will be dropped.
When they get home, Jyushimatsu whispering a quiet ‘Tadaima’ and Ichimatsu grumbling something similar, they find Karamatsu and Choromatsu waiting for them. Or rather for Ichimatsu.
“Eeeh? Why are you still up, Karamatsu-niisan? Choromatsu-niisan?”
Karamatsu puckers his lips like he has tasted something sour and then forces out a smile.
“Why don’t you go on up, my little Jyushimatsu?”
Jyushimatsu furrows his brows and looks around at the three parties. He shuffles over to Ichimatsu, gripping his sleeve.
“Jyushimatsu…” Choromatsu says, “Go upstairs please.”
“Mm-mm!” Jyushimatsu shakes his head rapidly.
“Jyushimatsu.” Karamatsu scolds.
“Then Ichimatsu-niisan should come up with me. We were talking and we’re not done!”
“Jyushimatsu we need to talk to Ichimatsu about something important.” Choromatsu says, “Please go upstairs.”
“No!”
Choromatsu scowls and Karamatsu frowns. Karamatsu stands.
“Come on,” Karamatsu says, ever ready to be a physical enforcer.
Jyushimatsu backs up and wraps his arms around Ichimatsu.
“No!” He cries, “Not unless you tell me why!”
Karamatsu grabs his arm and tries to peel Jyushimatsu off. A difficult task with the wriggly boy who can swing a bat with 64kg worth of extra weight over a thousand times.
“Jyushimatsu!” Choromatsu yells, banging his hand on the table where he is still sitting,
Go upstairs! Now!”
“NO!” He’s shrieking now.
Ichimatsu cringes, feeling overwhelmed as Jyushimatsu screams in his ear, Karamatsu tries to wrestle Jyushimatsu off of him, and the general situation.
“Stop,” he whispers.
Jyushimatsu whines and clings tighter, wrapping his body around him.
“Leave Ichimatsu alone,” he says, muffled with his face hidden against Ichimatsu.
“We need to do this,” Choromatsu says in a gentle tone.
“It’s important. Just trust us.” Karamatsu agrees. He’s changed his tactic, gently wrapping his hand around one of Jyushimatsu’s.
Ichimatsu can feel Jyushimatsu shift so his head is up.
“Ichimatsu-niisan doesn’t want me to go.” He says.
Choromatsu and Karamatsu share a look, then they both look at Ichimatsu. Ichimatsu can hear the unasked, ‘Is he right?’ as if they had said it out loud. Ichimatsu opens his mouth, to say that Jyushimatsu should go upstairs, to say that he’s not going to listen to what they say, to tell the two to go to hell.
He chokes on the words and says nothing.
Choromatsu sighs and pulls out the bottle of medication from his pocket. He shakes it.
“Ichimatsu you need to take one of these.” He says.
Jyushimatsu’s head snaps up.
“What’s that?” He shouts.
Choromatsu presses his lips together. No one else offers the information. Choromatsu sighs.
“They’re antidepressants —.”
“He doesn’t need them.” Jyushimatsu states, cutting Choromatsu off.”
“Bruzza…”
Choromatsu clicks his tongue.
“He does.” Choromatsu says.
“He doesn’t!”
“He does!”
“HE DOESN’T!” Jyushimatsu squeezes Ichimatsu. Ichimatsu lets out an ‘ack’ and he pats at Jyushimatsu’s arm rapidly. Jyushimatsu immediately loosens his grip.
Ichimatsu hears footsteps and Osomatsu and Todomatsu peek out.
“What’s going on?” Osomatsu asks, yawning.
“Keep i’ down!” Todomatsu slurs, rubbing his eyes.
“Go back upstairs!”
“Haha, it’s nothing go back to bed, bruzzas,” Karamatsu tries to play off.
Ichimatsu can see that Todomatsu and Osomatsu catch on that something is happening.
“What’s going on?” Osomatsu asks with more force.
“None of your business! Go back upstairs!” Choromatsu snaps.
Jyushimatsu is muttering nonsensical things but Ichimatsu catches, ‘doesn’t need’ and ‘sorry’ and ‘Nii-san’.
“If it involves four of us why not all six?” Osomatsu whines.
“Does it matter?” Choromatsu stands.
“Yeah! Come on!”
Ichimatsu only half listens in as he shifts his attention to comforting Jyushimatsu. He can feel the swirl of panic and guilt consuming his brother. He wiggles and manages to turn around and wrap his own arms around Jyushimatsu.
“It’s okay,” he murmurs, rubbing his brother’s back.
“It won’t help,” Jyushimatsu mumbles, “There’s nothing wrong with you.”
“There’s nothing wrong with you either,” Ichimatsu quickly and quietly shoots out.
Jyushimatsu shakes his head. Ichimatsu grits his teeth.
“You’re fine. You’re happy right?” Even as Ichimatsu forces the words out he knows they’re lies. Jyushimatsu right now is the most miserable he’s been since Ichimatsu first took his burden. Even more than when that girl broke his heart.
Jyushimatsu doesn’t say anything.
“Right?” Ichimatsu mumbles out.
Suddenly he notices it’s gone quiet in the room. He peeks behind him to see the rest of them staring at him. Osomatsu’s face is blank but the rest are looking at them with disgusting pity.
“Nii-san…” Todomatsu whines.
Suddenly Ichimatsu feels a rush of determination. Jyushimatsu peels away from him and quickly stomps over. He snatches the bottle from where Choromatsu had left it.
“H—hey!” Choromatsu shouts and makes his way over. Jyushimatsu keeps backing away as he fights to open the bottle. When he does manage to, he fumbles it and drops half the bottle onto the floor, white pills spilling out.
“Dammit!” Choromatsu curses as he squats and reaches for the pills, “Why did you do that Jyushi—?!”
Everyone in the room is frozen as they watch Jyushimatsu pour a handful of the pills into his mouth and tries to swallow. He struggles.
Ichimatsu can only watch in horror as he does it. He’s assaulted with his own feelings of fear. Is this it? Is Jyushimatsu going to die? Has he finally tipped over the edge and killed himself?
Fuck that, Ichimatsu isn’t going to just let that asshole call it quits after all the time he has put in making sure his idiot, favorite brother is happy.
Ichimatsu is propelled into action. He rushes forward, plowing into Choromatsu who falls onto his side with an ‘oof’. He grabs Jyushimatsu by the jaw with one and grips the top of his face – his thumb under his nose and the rest of his finger spread out over the top half of his face. He forces Jyushimatsu’s mouth open, then tips him forward and tries to scrape out the pills that are left, some bitten to wet clumps of powder, with the index finger of the hand keeping his jaw open.
Jyushimatsu fights him and tries to bite but Ichimatsu can feel adrenaline in his blood and muscles. His and Jyushimatsu’s, which he takes to use for his own.
“Fucking what were you thinking you idiot?!” He yells. He checks to see what he’s gotten out of Jyushimatsu. Not enough. It’s not even half of what he put in his mouth.
“Shit!” Ichimatsu grabs Jyushimatsu by the back of his neck and his sweatshirt and starts dragging him to the bathroom. He looks up at Karamatsu as Jyushimatsu thrashes and screams, “Don’t just fucking stand there! Help me goddammit!”
Karamatsu springs into action and with him grabbing Jyushimatsu they manage to drag him into the bathroom kicking and screaming.
Ichimatsu throws him down onto his knees so that Jyushimatsu is forced to grab the toilet seat with his hands to keep from falling into the water or braining himself on white ceramic.
“Keep his mouth open!” He commands Karamatsu. Karamatsu straddles Jyushimatsu, his weight keeping the other from getting up, and forcefully grabs Jyushimatsu’s head and pries his mouth as wide open as he can get it. Ichimatsu grabs him by the hair with one hand to help keep him still and then sticks his index finger as far down Jyushimatsu’s throat as he can.
Jyushimatsu squeals and tries to move away but can’t. His gag reflex kicks in. His throat and tongue clench down on the intrusion but Ichimatsu is forceful. He presses his finger against his uvula.
“Hurk, hurk.” Then Jyushimatsu is puking and Ichimatsu recoils his hand away as quickly as he can. Bile drips out from his mouth, then real vomit. Most of it, blessedly, is white pills.
Jyushimatsu is sobbing miserably. his face, pressed against the toilet seat, a mess of tears and snot and sweat and vomit. He’s disgusting. He’s alive.
Ichimatsu sniffles. Then he lunges forward to cling onto Jyushimatsu’s sweatshirt, bumping Karamatsu off. He buries his face into it, crying.
“Idiot!” He scolds, “Why? Why would you do this to me? Why?”
Jyushimatsu sniffles, “I’m sorry Nii-san. I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry.”
Ichimatsu shakes his head and presses himself closer. Maybe if they were one they would be able to manage going through life. It was a mistake when they were split into two.
“I hate you, don’t you fucking dare… I’ll kill you.” He lies, knowing Jyushimatsu knows they’re lies like how Ichimatsu knows Jyushimatsu is numbed out and miserable. Ichimatsu tries to take it, better for his brother to be empty than depressed.
For the first time Jyushimatsu fights him. HE tugs back like they’re children fighting over a new toy.
“Stop it… Stop.” Jyushimatsu says quietly between pants. His voice is raw from puking.
“Let me… Let me…” Ichimatsu tries again, pulling as hard as he can but Jyushimatsu, for the first time, shuts down their connection.
Ichimatsu starts hyperventilating, suddenly left adrift and alone.
Loneliness. So alone.
Under the panic, Ichimatsu feels guilty about the relief he gets. That darkness with him has lightened considerably. Jyushimatsu immediately reaches out again. Ichimatsu clings to it clings to him but Jyushimatsu is shifting, pushing himself up from the toilet.
Ichimatsu moves with him, still holding on like Jyushimatsu will disappear if he lets go (he might, he might) but now he’s looking Jyushimatsu in the face. The misery is plain, his eyes tired and dead and his mouth frowning.
“No more, Nii-san. No more.” He says plainly.
Ichimatsu feels his face screw up. He didn’t realize that this would hurt, had never imagined it even happening.
“B—but!” Ichimatsu sobs, “I c—can’t just let you…!”
He surges forward to hug Jyushimatsu, snot, tears, sweat, and the vomit on Jyushimatsu’s face be damned. It’s like hugging a doll, Jyushimatsu is still, only moving when Ichimatsu does.
A hand touches his shoulder and Ichimatsu tenses and backs up to look at the offender. It’s Karamatsu. He’s looking at Ichimatsu with concern, confusion, and fear. Ichimatsu sees the sweat as he swallows nervously.
“Wh—what the hell was that?!” Osomatsu stutters out.
Choromatsu growls and stomps into the room. He’s not looking at Ichimatsu but Jyushimatsu. Ichimatsu moves to shield Jyushimatsu but Choromatsu towers over them.
“What the fuck, Jyushimatsu?!” Choromatsu screams, “Ichimatsu needs those! Don’t you want him to get better?”
Jyushimatsu tilts his chin up. Ichimatsu can see Choromatsu flinch at the blank, half-lidded eyes. Ichimatsu gets it, feels the wrongness of that expression on Jyushimatsu. After all, it’s his expression.
“Ichimatsu-niisan doesn’t need them.” Jyushimatsu tells him, his damaged voice drawling tiredly in rasps.
Ichimatsu can see the flames rising in Choromatsu again.
“Fucking get it through your dense skull! I’m just trying to help him! Ichimatsu could hurt himself! Jesus fuck, what if he kills himself?”
Jyushimatsu breathes in sharply and lets it out in a shuddering exhale. Jyushimatsu makes a pained expression. He leans back, head lolling back and to the side, eyes closed. The toilet seat must be digging into his back. If Ichimatsu wasn’t so burnt out and shaken he might have been able to feel it.
“What would I…? What would I do…?” Ichimatsu can feel the fatigue. He can feel Jyushimatsu’s bones fight to drag him to the floor. He can feel Jyushimatsu’s guilt. “I would…”
Tentatively Ichimatsu tries to take those feelings again, but Jyushimatsu pulls vigorously and Ichimatsu doesn’t dare fight him over it, too afraid of being shut out. Ichimatsu thinks he would die if the window connecting them closed forever.
A hand fumbles to grab his arm and squeeze him in a comforting gesture. Jyushimatsu must have felt his despair. Their feelings remain connected. Jyushimatsu is alive and they’re intertwined. That’s all Ichimatsu needs in this life. Those things and Jyushimatsu’s bright smile.
Jyushimatsu looks like he’ll never smile again.
“Fuck…” Choromatsu slaps a hand to his forehead, “Why, Jyushimatsu? Why can’t you see that he needs this?”
Jyushimatsu licks his lips and Ichimatsu can feel the deep breath he takes.
“He doesn’t need them,” Jyushimatsu says tentatively, “Because those feelings aren’t his.”
“What do you—?” Choromatsu cuts off as realization hits. A sharp intake of breath whistles through his teeth.
The others are frozen too, horror flooding their wide-eyed faces.
“Y—you’re joking?” Todomatsu scoffs, “None of us have been able to even connect since middle school.”
“Me and Niisan did,” Jyushimatsu smiles without humor. His teeth aren’t sharp but his eyes are mean. It was like he’s stolen Ichimatsu’s face, “We feel everything even now, and one night in second year I was on the roof and I was going to jump.”
Choromatsu flinches.
“No you weren’t.” Osomatsu’s face is blank. He speaks in a rush, “You wouldn’t do that.”
“I would have. But Ichimatsu-niisan woke up. He was always so afraid… When he felt like that I couldn’t…”
Ichimatsu’s eyes widen. He swears his heart stops.
That night… That night he had almost lost his most precious brother. Jyushimatsu almost… No. No no no no.
“You’re not allowed,” Ichimatsu murmurs in a daze, “Just give it to me.”
“No, Niisan. No more.”
“B—but if I hadn’t woken up! If I hadn’t… You would be dead.”
The others flinch at the word.
“Oh god…” Choromatsu mumbles, hands scrubbing at his face, “Oh my god…”
Todomatsu slides to the floor, one hand on the doorframe.
“You’re joking.” He says.
“I’m not, Totty,” Jyushimatsu counters, “Ichimatsu isn’t depressed. The medication wouldn’t work because there isn’t anything wrong with him.”
“Fuck…” Osomatsu hisses out.
Karamatsu is silent but his teeth are clenched. He looks like he’s in pain.
Choromatsu sighs. One hand rests on his right hip and the other rubs at his left temple.
“I’m making an appointment for a psychiatrist. Or our doctor, fuck I don’t know… I’ll figure it out.” He turns to leave but pauses at the door. He looks back, “Do we need to put you on suicide watch?”
Jyushimatsu doesn’t answer so Ichimatsu does it for him.
“Yes,” Ichimatsu says, voice raw for reasons different than Jyushimatsu’s, “He will. I’ll watch him.”
A hand rests on his shoulder again.
“I’ll help. We can take shifts so someone can watch him while you sleep.”
Ichimatsu feels his lip curl, fingers digging so hard into Jyushimatsu that he can feel the pain in his own ribs. Jyushimatsu doesn’t react.
“I don’t need help.” He growls out, “Jyushimatsu is my responsibility. I’m the one who’s kept him alive all these years, while you guys have done Jack-shit!”
Karamatsu slams the side of a fist against the wall.
“Because you never told us!” Karamatsu yells, “How are we supposed to help if we don’t even know you need it?!”
Ichimatsu opens his mouth to retort but he stops short when he realizes has nothing to say.
“Let us help,” Karamatsu pleads, “We just want what’s best.”
Ichimatsu looks him in the eyes then looks down.
“Do what you want,” he mumbles. Then he leans his head down into Jyushimatsu’s chest, “I’m tired. Let's go to bed, Jyushimatsu.”
He feels more than hears the dry chuckle that palpitates Jyushimatsu’s chest.
“Okay, Nii-san.” Jyushimatsu says. He moves forward to curl around Ichimatsu. “Let’s go to bed. Maybe things will be better in the morning.”
“Yeah,” Ichimatsu lies, “Maybe they will.”