Chapter Text
You are not a drop in the ocean. You are the entire ocean, in a drop. –Rumi
I am still living with your ghost, lonely and dreaming of the west coast. -Everclear
______
“No no no! That window has already been cleaned twice already! Move on and clean the ones in the guest bedroom. Mrs. Smith, it looks like the carpet in the entryway still need to be cleaned. Agatha where are you going with that duster!”
Charlotte rolled her eyes in sympathy with Georgiana’s housekeeper. Georgiana had been like this for nearly two weeks now. At first Charlotte had nothing but sympathy as her mother had written to change the date of her arrival the morning after the Parkers dinner party. Then it seemed they were receiving daily updates from the lady and from Mr. Gibson’s assistants. One afternoon they’d received word that she was due to arrive the next day which had sent the entire household into a panic of cleaning and preparation.
Now even with a firm date and a promise from her mother that she would not alter her plans again, it seemed Georgiana was just going to keep the apartment in a steady state of readiness until the lady actually walked through the door. Normally charming and patient, her stress and anxiety was coming down hard on everyone. After she’d overheard the housekeeper and the maid in the hallway commiserating about having cleaned the dining room three times in two days, Charlotte made it a point to ask Georgiana to accompany her on her daily walk. She was glad to help relieve her friend’s nerves and be a helpful ear as that was her main reason for coming to Sanditon. At first Georgiana had complained or stressed the entire time that some task was not being done, but now it seemed to help take her mind off her worries as the ladies talked and reminisced. She was particularly excited about going to London.
“Last time it was all focused on the trial, but this time it’s for a party! And staying at Lady Susan’s home will be a wonderful change of pace. Is it true that every public room has a chandelier?”
Finishing her tea she was pleased that Georgiana dropped the subject of cleaning when the morning letters arrived. She didn’t know why she was surprised to finally see an invitation for tea at Heyrick Park. Augusta had promised that the invitation was forthcoming, but Charlotte had convinced herself that Mr. Colbourne would find a way out of it. She had not seen a single sign of the man or any of the household since her welcome dinner. Even Mr. Samuel had been mostly absent, only visiting Georgiana once.
There was also a letter from her father giving her permission to travel to London for Augusta’s ball and for her trip to Lady Susan’s. She was not pleased at still having to ask for her father’s approval, but she understood the delicacies with the family finances. When would she finally have some freedom of her own? When she was an old maid at forty would every life decision still need to be run by her father or brothers?
“That insufferable cow.”
Shaken from her own thoughts about how life as woman was glaringly unfair, Charlotte looked up to see a furious Georgiana glaring at a piece of paper like it had wronged her. Even in her most frantic moments over the last fortnight Georgiana had never been angry. Surely that couldn’t be her mother rescheduling again. Rising and skimming the note over her friend’s shoulder Charlotte’s mouth dropped open in shock.
“Lady Denham has invited us both to a card party to play whist.”
“Not just a card party Charlotte. Look at the date, look at who the invitation is issued to. Miss Georgiana Lambe, Miss Charlotte Heywood, and Mrs. Anne Lewis,” Georgiana shot up from her seat waving her hands about in a rage, “Its two days after my mother is finally to arrive! How on earth did she find out her name?! When she was arriving?! Is the woman spying on me? Do I need to speak to all my staff?” She let out a huff of frustration and began pacing around the room. “Clearly expecting to lord her position over all of us again. Now I have to prepare a battle plan and I already have enough worries.”
“I highly doubt the staff is gossiping with the likes of Lady Denham. She has plenty of other connections in town, I’m sure she managed to extract it from one of them. Maybe we could just not attend?” Charlotte trailed off meeting an outraged expression.
“And give that woman a perceived victory? Never. I suppose now I’ll have to invite HER over for something as a thankful gesture. I’m sure she’ll find something wrong with the apartment or my staff or my dress or my guests.”
Mulling over the idea, she tried to think of another way Georgiana could avoid Lady Denham. Sanditon society was smaller than London, but their social groups didn’t overlap much even though they were both equally wealthy. It was good to keep Lady Denham in general good spirits as Tom had needed her social connections as Sanditon first started to grow. Lady Denham had only turned her disdain towards Charlotte once when warning her about missing her chance, but Charlotte knew she had been much worse to Georgiana both in public and in private settings. She had not forgotten about the pineapple incident.
“Would she even expect an invitation? Did you invite her over after the various garden parties?” Georgiana shook her head no. “G. You’re letting her into your head already. This is your sanctuary. Don’t give more of yourself away than you have to.” Her own shoulders relaxed as she watched Georgiana take a deep breath and relax into a chair.
“You’re right Charlotte of course you’re right. But that woman grates on my very last nerve.”
“I understand, but her goal is to sow discord. Let us put our heads together, go to the café for the afternoon, and we together will come up with a plan of attack. Everything is much clearer after a walk and some sweets. My treat.”
At least here she didn’t need to ask her father for approval before opening up her reticule for her friend. Perhaps there were other things she should do with her last few months of true freedom.
---
In the early morning hours before dawn a dark figure quietly left the front door of Mansfield Villas. Adjusting their hat and swinging a bag over their shoulder they quickly turned up the main road. Walking quickly they soon left Sanditon proper, and were moving towards the cliffs that overlooked the shoreline.
She felt marginally guilty putting her own needs over her friend’s, but Charlotte knew she needed to have a clear head for the upcoming week’s events. After debating the risks for two days she decided this was the best option. She didn’t lie to Georgiana exactly. She had been truthful when declaring she wanted to talk a walk alone, she just happened to leave out the exact time and nature of where she was going.
How could she get out without being recognized? She had discovered an oversized greatcoat out of one of the wardrobes and had also found a large hat with a buckle. Since she walked quickly and kept her head down, no one would see her face. It was early enough that the sky was still inky black, and everyone was still asleep. The full moon helped light the way some, but she had walked the country road to the cliffs so many times that she could complete it in her sleep by now. She would be perfectly safe, and she had to take these small adventures before she headed back to her quiet spinster life. It would be a good story for her nieces someday.
Every walk for the past fortnight had been with Georgiana, and while she loved her dearly she desperately needed space to herself. Away from servants and away from crowds. She hadn’t had time to fully get her bearings since the dinner party, and tomorrow she was going back to Heyrick Park. A place that she had never imagined to see again. Now that the day had nearly arrived she was filled with emotions at seeing Leonora, Mrs. Wheatley, Augusta, and of course Mr. Colbourne.
Then it would be Mrs. Lewis’ arrival and the card party. Georgiana would need her. Lady Denham would be sure to make a disparaging comment as that was the woman’s tendency.
“See,” she told her guilty conscience as she marched on, “I’m still thinking of others needs before my own.”
It was cooler out than during the day, but the large greatcoat felt unseasonably warm. Starting to feel her head sweat, she stopped at the cliffs, closed her eyes, and pulled her hat off. The wind blew in her face, tossing her curls over her shoulders. It was as fresh and clean as she remembered. Being outdoors and near the sea helped her think clearly. It made her feel centered. Calm. Content. Like she could face anything and anyone.
She had stood here with Sidney. Remembering coming upon him bathing not far down the shore which had made her think of this plan in the first place. She had been shocked then, but if it was acceptable for the gentlemen, why not her? She wasn’t the naïve girl fresh from the farm anymore. He would have been proud to see her attempting to be brave, to live her life, and pushing the rules of society. This was something she wouldn’t have even considered five years ago, but some of society’s rules seemed so arbitrary now. Even if she couldn’t break past every barrier, she could use some of them to her benefit. Not a single person she knew would expect a woman like herself to want to go swimming. Unbidden, the image of Mr. Colbourne riding up to her on Hannibal came to mind. Standing in this very spot when he told her she would be hired as governess. Being seemingly impressed at her nerve, even though she yelled at him and stormed out of his office.
Looking out at the crashing waves, she wondered if she should have known then that Lennox was a liar how she would have approached meeting Mr. Colbourne. She had looked at him in wonder as she observed him thaw in front of her. Would she have noticed that without Lennox’s poison in her ears? Would she have been more on guard with an unknown employer? Less taken in by the mystery?
“It wouldn’t have mattered,” she thought. “That’s not how any of it happened, and all this dwelling on the past serves nothing. Go. Can you not feel the ocean on your feet yet?”
The horizon was just starting to lighten and turning a light grey as the sun came closer to rising. Smiling as she tucked her hair back under the hat, she turned down the trail to the cove.
The walk was a pleasant one as the sun had just come up by the time she reached the shore. Unlike Sidney, she was still reserved enough that she wasn’t going to run around naked in the ocean. She doubted she would ever feel comfortable enough to do that. Unlike the main tourist area where there were the bathing machines, here she would be out in the open, and so she wore her bathing costume under a long sleeved dress to keep from having to do a full change. Between those two layers, plus the coat and hat, she was sweating and nearly overheated.
Stacking her clothes and bag on rocks above the shoreline, she smiled a full genuine smile as she took a deep breath. If the air on the cliffs was fresh and clean, the sea spray hitting her full on was another level entirely.
“Such unladylike behavior Charlotte, whatever would father say?”
Laughing as she pictured her father’s dour expression, she quickly walked into the water up to her waist. It was brisk but not overly cold. It was exhilarating, and nothing like the warm creeks or stagnant ponds of home. It was a full experience with the sounds of the waves, the feel of the pebbles and water dancing around her toes, her hair whipping in the wind.
The tension in her shoulders slipped away as she felt the water move around her. Her headache vanished. Her mind cleared as her heated skin cooled. The waves were a bit higher out here than they appeared from shore, but she was a strong swimmer and didn’t plan on going out very far. Even before Alison’s near drowning, Charlotte had always known how to swim in case one of her younger siblings went into the water near the farm.
She felt free. Sneaking out away from prying eyes and stressful conversations, she was alone but not lonely. She knelt and let a wave go over her head pushing her hair back off of her face.
When she was an old woman she would remember this moment. What were the stresses of life when this vast ocean beat upon the shore? Where the waves had continued on their journey long before she was born and would long after she was gone. In the face of so many eons how could any of her problems not seem insignificant?
Closing her eyes she placed her hands on her hips and reflected. Tomorrow is just a place you used to work, she reasoned. It has just as many happy memories as the sad ones. After this first meeting at the Parkers, she knew he was indifferent to her. That just as she had thought over the last three years, that he had not thought of her again. And now that they had spoken she could be just as indifferent to the gentleman.
“You don’t really believe that do you?”
What other option was there? Yes she had a nostalgia for the past, but the dinner party had showed her he hadn’t changed where it mattered. He seemed more comfortable in company, was kinder to Augusta, and his smile still made her heart beat faster, but he had not said anything about their past exchange in that private hallway moment. He must not have felt there was anything else to add.
Feeling the waves rocking around her she made her decision for tomorrow. Go to the house, be civil, acknowledge the happy memories in your heart, and leave the sad ones to the side. Be content that you’ll be able to see Lenora and Augusta.
She dipped back under the water and held her breath for a moment as the waves crashed over her. She laughed as the came back up feeling refreshed again.
As for Mrs. Lewis’ visit, she knew Georgiana was nervous, but relationships took time. It had been years and the lady was still getting to know a daughter she had emotionally let go of years before. Both women had an image in their minds of who the other person was, but they needed to set that aside and see who the person was now. To not approach it with any preconceived notions. Charlotte also suspected that the fact Georgiana was a rich well educated heiress also had something to do with the emotional distance to a woman that had been employed in manual labor nearly all her life, but she would never say so to her friend. What Georgiana needed was love and support and she could provide that. She didn’t need to offer her opinion unless asked, she just needed to listen.
For Lady Denham’s, she was going to find a way to sneak in some brandy and make sure to keep Georgiana’s punch spiked. Alcohol would be the only way to get through that night without it coming to verbal warfare. Georgiana was already on the defensive, and while she would tolerate and smile at insults to herself, Charlotte knew she wouldn’t stand for any insults to her family. She should ask Mary to prepare Mrs. Lewis for that night’s events as well. The older woman had dealt with Lady Denham at various events for years, and would know exactly what advice to provide.
Feeling like she had at last sorted out her list of worries, Charlotte took some time to just float on her back allowing the waves to move her around. The sun was up higher now, and she could feel the warmth on her face. Clearheaded and recharged, she would still have to get back into town soon without drawing attention to herself, but this break with protocol was clearly the right decision.
Deciding to go out farther for one last swim she brought her feet down and walked out up to her shoulders. She had to jump high with each wave to keep her head above the water, but once or twice she bent her knees to let the breakers wash over her again. She was enjoying herself so much, she would have to do this again before she left Sanditon. Feeling free for the first time in an age, she happily jumped up with her arms in the air when the next few waves came by.
Her feet had just met the bottom again when someone’s hands grabbed around her waist. Someone was in the water with her? But she had been alone this entire time!
Hadn’t she?
Panicked at this thought she started kicking and flailing, pushing her hands down on the arm that had now wrapped itself around her waist. She felt herself being pulled back to the shore.
She tried to scream but the next wave went crashing over her head causing her to come up spitting and gasping.
“It’s okay! I’ve got you! You’re going to be okay.”
It was a man’s voice shouting at her. Clearly someone who had come along and thought she was in need of rescuing. She was so angry and embarrassed that she couldn’t do anything but sputter in rage and frustration. Kicking and shoving as she felt the water become shallower. She felt the man shift and a strong hand went under her knees sweeping her up along with the one at her waist. She kept kicking and punching at the air, but her would be rescuer kept a firm grip not letting her slip away.
“Nothing is going to happen! We’ll get you to shore and you’ll be out of the water. You’re going to be safe.”
Her head had gone under the waves several times leaving her hair a wet mess in her face, but taking a deep breath she finally found her voice.
“Stop trying to drown me you ass! Unhand me this instant! I am able to walk!”
The hand under her knees and at her waist twitched and the person stopped just as they exited the water.
“Miss Heywood?!”
She finally got her wet hair out of her face and looked at the face of her mistaken rescuer.
Alexander Colbourne.
In a split second reaction he dropped her to the ground like she had burned him. Rubbing her backside she glared up at him, not taking in his shocked expression.
“What on earth were you thinking?!” she shouted.
“I’m… I’m so sorry I didn’t realize. I just saw...”
“You just saw me swimming and decided I needed you to drag me out of the water kicking and screaming.”
“Not that it would have mattered, but I didn’t clearly realize it was you from the shore Miss Heywood. Let me help you up.”
She swatted away the offered hand and stood up to face him on her own. His face was flushed red from the exertion and embarrassment. He ran his hand through his hair, which was dark and wet from the ocean.
“I just saw...“
“You just saw a person swimming and decide to play the hero?”
He shoved his hair back again as now he clearly took offense at her tone. “I saw a pile of clothes on the shore and a head just appearing over the waves! There’s often a strong current here. I wasn’t acting the hero I just reacted!”
“I’ll have you know I’m an excellent swimmer! There was no reason to manhandle me and pull me out of the water like a naughty child.” Shouting was quite unladylike, but she had completely lost her temper. He did not retreat from her anger.
“And I wasn’t going to call from the shore ‘I beg your pardon? Are you a good swimmer or are you drowning?’ “
“So you decided that dragging someone out and nearly drowning them yourself was the solution?”
“I was trying to keep your head above the water despite the needless flailing about. Who on earth goes into the ocean alone?”
She hadn’t realized the two of them had moved closer during their argument until she felt his breath in her face. He realized it at the same moment as they both froze in place. They stared at each other for a beat panting from the exertion. She had forgotten how beautiful his face was up close. And then it quickly occurred to her that her bathing costume was wet and clinging and would be scandalously form fitting. Shivering and feeling exposed and cold, she crossed her arms and stepped back. His eyes hadn’t left her face during their entire exchange but he glanced down following her movement and then quickly turned his back on her sputtering yet another apology.
“I’m sorry Miss Heywood. This is quite inappropriate.”
This was bad. This was really very bad. If anyone came upon either of them it would cause a tremendous scandal.
If her swimming costume was risqué, his required smelling salts. She tried not to stare at how his soaked shirt clung to his back. It had become nearly transparent and she could see the skin of his back and every muscle through the fabric. His shoulders were tense. His hair was still soaked and curling up at his collar.
It might be scandalous, but the view wasn’t unpleasant.
Begging any higher power that he wasn’t able to suddenly read thoughts, she snapped at him.
“Clearly I was not drowning. I do wish that you would think less of propriety and more about other people’s feelings.”
Turning on her heel she ran back to where her clothes and bag would be.
She was not going to think about how his hand had felt on her waist through the thin fabric. She was not going to think about his strong shoulders as he lifted her out of the water.
“Get a hold of yourself Charlotte. You are completely indifferent to this man after all this time, just as he is to you.”
Her original plan had been to have the swimming costume dry some before putting her dress back on over it, but in this moment getting dressed quickly would be wiser. It was a tight fit but she managed to pull her dress back over the wet costume. Twisting her hair into a quick knot on her head she was just pulling out her bonnet she had packed when she felt something nudge her back. She looked up and saw that it was Hannibal. She could hear her father’s voice in her ears.
‘Horses can sense stress with their humans Charlotte. You have to calm yourself before you can calm them.’
Hannibal nudged her again while dragging his hoof along the ground. Patting his ears she turned and looked back at Mr. Colbourne. He was sitting on the rocks further down the shore facing away from her. He had managed to pull off one boot, and was holding it upside down as the water drained out. He dropped it at his side and turned his gaze out over the water.
He still had his boots on. He had run into the ocean only stopping to throw his jacket behind him. To save someone he thought had gone into the water. And in her embarrassment and frustration she had failed to appreciate how upset he was. Not because he had seen her, but because he had been afraid that someone was in danger. Because despite everything else Alexander Colbourne was a good person. Could she blame him for acting on instinct?
She had packed a few linens to dry herself with. Finding the largest one, and taking Hannibal’s reins, she walked down and placed the linen over his shoulders. It must have been a surprise that she came up to him, as she noted the stiffening posture.
“Thank you Mr. Colbourne. I am sorry for shouting as I was embarrassed. I know you did not mean any ill intent. It was a noble thing to have done.”
He held the linen in front of himself with one hand while he nodded.
“Thank you Miss Heywood. I saw someone’s clothes on the beach, I thought someone was drowning.”
“I’m sorry I alarmed you. But there was no reason for the dramatic rescue.”
“I thought someone was drowning on purpose.” His voice cracked as he looked into her eyes and she saw the panic there. “On purpose. I apologize for catching you off guard, but in the moment it felt absolutely necessary.”
The two of them stared at each other for a few moments, and then he looked away. Just as the silence started making her uncomfortable he started talking almost as if to himself, “I walk this beach nearly every day, and I have never seen anyone else. Certainly never this early in the morning. And then I spotted a head in the water and clothes on the beach. In that instant I just pictured Lucy. Lucy going out into the storm and how I wasn’t able to stop her, and I thought what other reason could someone have for swimming out here alone at this hour? The fear was overwhelming.” He turned his head as if remembering she was there, “What exactly are you doing here alone?”
For a moment she thought to bristle at his tone, but realized quickly it was a concerned question and not a judgmental one. Watching as he handed her the linen back and removed his other boot to drain it she answered, “No one is going to care if some old maid is out swimming by herself.” He shook his head at her words and frowned at the boot as he shook some sand out along with the water. “There are so many people in town and the ocean is a calming place to think. I am so rarely alone with my own thoughts, and Miss Lambe needs me to have a clear head this week.
And tomorrow I’m coming by to Heyrick, she thought. But this was not the best time to remind him of that. Surely he would object to her coming now and force Augusta to cancel the invitation.
He nodded and returned to the task of tugging his boots back on. “If there ever is a next time, I would advise not swimming along this part of the shore. Yes it’s secluded and protected from above and easy to walk to, but there is a dangerous current. Especially out as deep as you were.” Taking in her shocked expression, he chuckled. “You’re surprised I’m not judging you more harshly.”
How as she supposed to respond to this blunt observation? Where was the closed off man from two weeks ago? “As you yourself said, it is quite inappropriate.” He grimaced as he managed to get the soaked leather over one heel.
“I hardly think I’m in a position to judge Miss Heywood. As I said, I take this walk most days alone. Not even with Hannibal.” He sent her a wry smile, “I’ve even gone swimming in the ocean once or twice. Why should you be deprived of that same solitude? I’m sure you thought this out clearly and wouldn’t do anything truly reckless.”
He had pulled his waterlogged boots back on, and picked his jacket up off the sand. He dusted it off looking uncomfortable but looked up towards the cliffs.
“I apologize for not being more delicate in your rescue, as I said I was overcome. Would you be in need of an escort home?”
And here they were again speaking as formal and remote strangers. There was that gap again. Brief flashes of a honesty that caught her off guard and then some hidden meaning behind their actual conversation that she had once desperately wanted to drag out of him. The sudden alteration from shouting at her to telling her about Lucy to this formal detachment made her head spin. “No. I believe a single person will draw less attention.”
“I concur. If we were spotted people would notice, and it would draw more attention to you. I trust you’ll be able to return home safely.”
She could play the formal role just as well as anyone else now. “I will do that Mr. Colbourne thank you.”
He bowed, and had just made to mount Hannibal when he paused. “Miss Heywood.” He didn’t meet her gaze, instead becoming quite interested in the saddle and Hannibal’s mane. Clearing his throat he continued, “I hope this won’t keep you from visiting Heyrick tomorrow. Everyone in the household is very much looking forward to your visit.”
He hadn’t forgotten then. Perhaps the best answer would be to refuse the invitation, and to find some ready excuse. But the truth was she wanted to see Leonora, Mrs. Wheatley, and Augusta. She even felt a desire to see Luna and scratch the dog’s ears.
When he said everyone in the household did that include himself as well?
“I don’t see any reason to cancel. Miss Lambe is looking forward to the visit as well, and I am longing to spend time with the girls. I have missed them.” It would simply not do to give way to the tears that she felt burning in her eyes. She hadn’t realized how much she had missed either of the girls until she the brief time she had spent in their company again. Now that she knew her time with them was limited, she wanted to see them as much as she could without overstepping her bounds.
He was giving her a sad smile as if somehow he could actually read her thoughts. He must feel sorry for her having a connection to the house and to former charges instead of a life of her own. Charlotte hated being pitied. She would almost rather be ignored and forgotten than have anyone feel sorry for her.
“Then you will excuse me Miss Heywood. I believe it is best if I depart now.” She stepped back from Hannibal as Mr. Colbourne mounted up into the saddle and steadied himself.
“Until tomorrow then.” Charlotte could only watch him as he gave her a slight bow with his head, and turned Hannibal to ride back up the beach. He had not given away anything in his expression.
She pulled the bonnet onto her head, and pulled the coat back over her shoulders. Could he know how those words would affect her? The same words he had spoken to her after the picnic. A simple turn of phrase, but one that she had mulled over in her head repeatedly.
As she climbed back up the path she felt a flush come to her cheeks and not just from the warmth of the coat. That entire exchange was confusing. She was falling into an old pattern of trying to read a deeper meaning based off a facial expression, and from the way he spoke his thoughts. Trying to find meaning when the words weren’t what she was prepared to hear. But other than the formal dismissal, there was nothing there that she expected.
It didn’t help that she still found him to be a surprisingly attractive man. Even disheveled and drenched in sea water. Who knew a wet shirt could be so distracting?
Pushing that thought away as she reached the summit, she looked back. She could just barely make out horse and rider along the beach in the far away distance.
Words or not, his actions were that of a gentleman. Someone who would rush to aid another person with no care for himself. Who would no longer judge a lady for engaging in the same activities that he as a man enjoyed. She remembered his previous stance on when a lady didn’t live up to societies expectations. Here also he had softened with time. However she was wise enough now to know that simply being a gentleman and respectful didn’t mean that a man had any romantic feelings for you. His actions there spoke clearly as well. No need to look into hidden meanings when he had spoken the words clearly and had not given any inclination that his opinion there had changed. He had not apologized, he still had not explained.
Sighing as she hoisted the bag over her arm, she headed back to town. She didn’t pass a single person until she was just back on the high street, and people were so busy moving about with visiting, shopping, and chasing after children that Charlotte realized no one had looked at her twice.
Georgiana however, noticed her state almost immediately. She was still eating breakfast when Charlotte returned. “Why on earth are you wearing that coat? And is your hair all wet under your bonnet?” Georgiana smiled putting her hands to her cheeks. “If I didn’t know better I would think you got up early and went for a swim.” When Charlotte couldn’t quite meet her eyes, she laughed uproariously. “Oh my friend! This news is just what I needed this morning. Are the crowds truly that awful? Were you out there all alone? Come sit down and tell me everything.”
Charlotte hesitated, as her mouth twitched in amusement. “I’m wearing three wet layers. I don’t want to get any water on the breakfast chair.”
The women stared at each other, until they both broke out into relentless giggles. Georgiana stood, taking a plate for Charlotte and a cup of tea as well.
“Here’s a scone. Let’s get you changed and you can tell me all about your great adventure. I can’t wait to hear all about it. Knowing you, I’m sure you’ve come up with some great plans for this week. I know I’ve been a complete disaster the past few days, so let’s have a relaxing morning in and then go for luncheon. I should really pick something up for the staff to make up for all of my constant orders as well.”
She was so lucky to have a goodhearted friend like Georgiana, Charlotte thought. Someone who understands and who I don’t have to explain myself to. Who cares about me and my worries just as much as she cares about her own.
As she brought Georgiana to tears with describing her walking disguise, she only felt a slight prick of her conscience that she didn’t share her worries about her exchange with Mr. Colbourne. Or that she had even seen the gentleman at all.
---
Mrs. Wheatley was in an uproar.
“Just look at the state of you! That horse is a menace, and I’ve warned you about riding him so hard on the beach.” She frowned as he sheepishly apologized. “Now he’s gone and thrown a shoe. All while tossing you into a tide pool and you’ve ruined your second best pair of boots. Your valet is not going to know what to do with himself. Get them off now and we’ll see if he can get them sorted. And when you get upstairs don’t leave those wet clothes lying about either.”
He dutifully sat down in the chair by the side entry from the stables. “Is the rest of the household awake?” To anyone else she would appear formidable, but now that she was looking at him with her hands on her hips and that stern expression he had to fight back to urge to smile at her. She would not appreciate that.
“Yes everyone else is up. Miss Markham is out by her swing reading, Miss Leonora is upstairs with her tutor, and Mr. Samuel is in the library working again. You can talk to him about your adventure as he will never let you live it down. You know how your brother feels about horses. I suppose that is punishment enough.”
Perhaps another man would be angry at being chastised so soundly by his housekeeper, but he saw the motherly twinkle in her eye even as she threw up her hands in frustration. He had been lucky to have her in his life, and he knew that she thought of him as family as he did her. She never hesitated to correct him when he stepped out of line.
Much like Miss Heywood, he thought. She had always advocated for herself and for others when he had been rude and disrespectful. Challenged him that he should connect with the girls even when he insisted at keeping them at arm’s length. Once he had let his guard down it was easy to share about Lucy in a way that he wouldn’t anyone else. He doubted he would have allowed anyone else to see the panic he felt at thinking someone was drowning. He certainly wouldn’t have engaged in a shouting match with them if they had been ungrateful.
He reflected on their exchange as he climbed the stairs to his room. He had been speaking the truth when he said he had just reacted. And then once he saw that she was wearing a bathing costume, and understanding that they were alone his ability to speak had temporarily left him. He had seen other female bathers in Sanditon from a distance, but this was the first time he had been this close to one. Particularly one that he liked as much as Charlotte. His cheeks warmed as he reflected on how light she had been once they had gotten out of the water. How he could still feel the warmth of her knees on his hand even hours later.
Being mindful of Mrs. Wheatley’s orders, he draped his shirt carefully across the back of the chair. Once he had gotten past the immediate fear of danger and his own embarrassment he had found the immediate conversation easy.
He paused in his undressing, as he thought back to the exchange. She had been embarrassed, and clearly worried about his reaction. He had seen the fear that he was going to ask her not to come to Heyrick. He reflected that she had a confused expression on her face the entire time, as if she was seeing a stranger.
And were they not strangers now? Because until he actually pushed aside his own fear and shame and addressed the subject he should have brought up long before now, they would continue to be strangers. With him longing for her from afar and her going back to her father’s house. This would not be solved by him staring at her across a drawing room.
Charlotte Heywood would be back at Heyrick tomorrow, and he needed to not let the opportunity pass him by again.