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One month, three weeks, two days and 17 hours after returning to the RG, Neku’s legs buckled under him and all he could do was sob. It was as if a weight was bearing down on him and he couldn’t move. Flashes of Shinjuku, gunshots, his friends lying dead on the floor, Josh cruel smile – no tears – no impassive face as destroyed Shibuya invaded his mind. Memory and nightmare blended into one and the only control he had was not to scream.
“Hey, Loser, you okay in there?”
“I’m coming in. If you’re indecent, I’m gonna be the third person to shoot you”
“Shit, Neku, are you okay? Oh shit, what do I do?”
Shoka’s voice sounded far away, like he was under the ocean or in one of the empty apartments in Shinjuku, Coco chatting at him from the unit across from him. If he died again, would he get back to Shibuya?
His breaths were growing shorter and more erratic. He couldn’t breathe. Why couldn’t he breathe? Was he dead again? Why couldn’t he breathe?
“Phones. Phones. Listen to me. Breathe in with me now. Now breathe out. In. Out.”
Neku’s breathing calmed down, but sobs still ripped through him as his body got steadily further away from him. He vaguely felt himself being lifted up and carried.
Deep ocean voices lapped against his failing awareness.
“How did you know to do that, Skaterbrain?”
“I had some issues with anzity or sumthin in the past an’ Rhyme would…”
When Neku came back to awareness, he was sitting on a couch in the Gatto Nero studio. Shiki and Beat were sitting on either side of him, Beat’s furnace like warmth providing comfort balanced by Shiki’s softer warmth, preventing him from overheating. Warm. Solid. Real. He could see Eri floating around the studio and a shuffling noise led him to realise Shoka was hovering around the seating area his couch was in.
“Neku, are you with us? Do you need something to drink?” Shiki asked.
“I’ll go get the water!” Shoka ran over to the water cooler. Bubbles of pouring water and shuffling fabric punctuated the otherwise silence of the studio.
Neku stared at his hands, not wanting to look at the concerned faces of his friends.
“Neku, what’s wrong? You can talk to us,” Shiki rested her hand on Neku’s knee.
“I’m fine”
“You’re not, Neku. Please talk to us. Let us in.”
“No. I’m fine. I have to be fine. Rindo has the guilt of strengthening the noise and thinking he was the only one to get back to the RG. I need to help Fret because I know what it’s like to lose a friend. Shoka still needs help adjusting to the RG after being in the UG for years and I have to be an example. Shiki and Beat and Rhyme worried about me for three years, I can’t let you worry more. I am fine. I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m fine…” The words turned into a mantra as Neku sobbed into his very real, very solid, still in the RG, hands.
A click on the table in front of him signalled Shoka returning with the cup of water. Shiki lifted it up to him as she rubbed his back with her other hand. Beat rested his hand on Neku’s knee and gave a light squeeze.
“Neku, please drink some water.”
Neku took the water with shaky hands. The water was cold on his lips and for a moment he thought it was death again but at least that would be- The water threatened to spill over the edge of the glass as he thrust it away from himself. No. He’s alive. In the RG. With his friends. He’s safe. It’s good. He’s… okay…?
“Sakuraba! You’re not okay and that’s okay,” Neku hadn’t even noticed Eri walk over to them. “You had a panic attack and are sobbing on our couch. That’s not okay, sugar. You’re holding in all this guilt and responsibility that just seems silly to me.”
“I have to help them. I’m their fri-“
“And they’re your friends too, let them help you too. If you’re responsible for them, then aren’t they responsible for you?”
“That’s not how it-“
“And why not?” Eri grabbed his hands.
“Dontcha trust us, Phones? We’re still your partners,” Beat said as he put his hand on Neku’s shoulder, oddly quiet for the usually boisterous man.
There was a rustle of fabric and Neku felt something being draped over his shoulders. He looked up to see Shoka without her beloved jacket. She shuffled a bit, then opened her mouth as if to say something. She closed it and put her hand on Neku’s with Eri.
Shiki held Neku’s other hand. “Neku, we care about you. We want to help you. Pretending to be okay while breaking down on the inside… Neku, if you won’t take care of yourself for you, then please, for us. Rhyme, Beat and I, we’re gonna worry a lot more about you secretly hurting when we can’t help you.”
"I... I don't..."
Beat dragged Neku into a hug. "Phones... Neku, I didn' search for you for three years so you'd feel guil'y about needin' help now. C'mon, I'm the dumbass, don't be stealin' my thunder, yo."
Neku let out a chuckle. “No one can steal your thunder, Beat,” his face then dropped as he let out a shuddering breath. “I’m sorry to make you guys worry. I… I’m not okay, am I? but, the others need help too and… I can’t let them feel alone.”
Shiki let go of Neku’s hand and hugged him from the other side. “They’re not gonna be alone, Neku. They have us and they have each other.”
“Seriously, Neku. I don’t want you burning yourself out over me. You don’t have to take care of me like I’m some sort of kid, I am technically older than you,” Shoka said. She gave Neku an awkward smile as he gave a little chuckle. “But… yeah. You don’t need to guide me through adapting back to the RG. We’re teammates, right? We should adapt together.”
“I… I’ll try. Just don’t push yourself too hard for me either.”
“You don’t have to worry about that, I’m not an idiot like you and Skaterbrain,” Beat popped up give a quick “Hey!” then buried his face back into Neku’s hair.
Eri then stood up. “Hey Shoka, how about we go look at some of my new designs and you can tell me what Gatto Nero’s number one fan thinks!” She nodded to the trio on the couch and walked back over to the worktables. Shoka turned bright red as she followed behind, a slight bounce in her step indicating the excitement she tried to conceal.
Neku, Beat and Shiki sat in silence for a bit before Shiki spoke up.
“Like Shoka said, we don’t want you burning yourself out trying to make us feel better. I mean, I don’t know Rindo and Fret as well, but I’m sure they feel the same.”
Beat lifted his face out of Neku’s hair. “I do know ‘em an’ they wouldn’ be happy to learn you was coverin’ ya own hurt to help them. They’d prolyl feel like, guilty and shit.”
“Yeah… they would. They’re good kids like that. Urgh,” Neku sighed and leaned his head on Beat’s shoulder. “You guys are right, but…”
“No buts, we’re right and you’ll have to deal with us taking care of you for a while.” Shiki gave Neku a playful shove then leaned her own head against his shoulder. “And if you won’t listen to us, I’m sure Nagi and Coco’s combined power will force you to feel better.”
“Hey! Don’t bring Pixiechick into this, we don’ know what she’d do! Pinny’s cool though.”
“Coco is Neku’s friend, even if you don’t like her.”
“She killed him! Just ‘cause Neku makes friends with people who do that, don’ mean she can be trusted.”
“Beat, I love your protective instinct, but Coco seriously is trustworthy. I know she’s not gonna hurt me again.” Neku buried his face in Beat’s neck. It was warm and spelled like the peach bodywash Rhyme used, Beat never remembered to buy his own. It smelled like home. And then it hit Neku. He was with his friends. Friends who cared about him and he could rely on. He didn’t have to focus on surviving anymore. And maybe… Maybe he could focus on healing.