Work Text:
The afternoon when what Taehyung had now taken to calling The Dreadful Moment happened had started ordinarily, the same way most of his afternoons went, he had returned from school with Jungkook accompanying him and they had gone up to his room to play some games and be useless for the rest of the day.
They were in the middle of an overwatch match when Taehyung had to stop the game to go to the bathroom and walked back into the room to find himself in front of a horror show. His worst nightmare came true.
Jungkook was reading his diary.
He wanted earth to swallow him, like, right this instant. Just disappear. Poof. There never was a man called Kim Taehyung walking on this planet.
The worst part was that his best friend also seemed to be awfully invested in whatever page he was reading, a focused frown etched into his face, his jaw tense, and Taehyung hoped to God that it was a random complaint about a subject and not one of the many ( many, many) pages talking about his enormous, all consuming, undying crush on Jungkook himself.
“What the fuck are you doing?!” He asks, albeit a bit too dramatically, but his pride is at stake here, he’s risking it all. He snatches the diary away from Jungkook’s prying hands, and to his surprise Jungkook seems to hold onto it a bit stronger for a second until he lets go softly.
“It was here on the desk and I got curious.” He says like he didn’t just cause Taehyung a dozen heart attacks all at once. “So, who’s this crush you talk about in there?”
Would it be weird if he ran out the door right this instant? Yeah, probably. Jump out the window? Maybe a bit much, he lives on the second floor after all. Knocked Jungkook out with a frypan? Something in his gut tells him that’s not the way to go about it and that it won’t work as effectively as it does in cartoons.
In the time span of a second, Taehyung thinks the whole thing through. First, he thanks whatever deity is out there for saving his ass and not letting Jungkook read his own name on none of the hundred billion occasions it shows up on Taehyung’s diary. Second, he thinks about whether he should just lie and find someone to call his crush or just tell Jungkook he didn’t want him to know and save himself from the mortifying love confession that would have to follow suit. The first option makes him feel uneasy, he doesn’t like lying, much less lying to Jungkook, and he fears that if he says it’s someone from class Jungkook would take it upon himself to hook them up together. He doesn’t want to be put in a situation where Jungkook stops being clingy and whiny with him out of respect for a non-existent possibility of a relationship, he doesn’t want him to stop draping himself all over the older when they have silly little arguments, he doesn’t want to lose the closeness he has with Jungkook over a fake crush. The last thing he is willing to do is change his routine that involves a lot of time spent with Jungkook (his actual crush) in favor of keeping up a lie.
The second option, however, feels more immediately counterproductive. Contrary to what it might seem from the outside because of his quiet, peaceful demeanor, Jungkook is really fucking nosy , along with having an easily roused temper. He’s gotten upset (not really, he usually just pouts and complains and whines until his really weak best friend gives in) with Taehyung before because he kept stupid little information from him, things like gossip or small little facts. If he tells Jungkook he doesn’t want him to know who his crush is, Jungkook will feel it as a betrayal, and will probably get upset with him and won’t stop pouting (which is the worst thing he could ever do because Taehyung’s lips ache with the need to kiss him every single time he does it) until Taehyung gives in and tells him who his crush is, which would bring him back to option one of lying about it.
Considering how awful both options feel, he takes a leap of faith.
“I don’t want to tell you that.”
“Why not?” Jungkook asks and fuck he’s pouting and frowning and he looks so cute and Taehyung feels like he’s going to die a premature age and traumatize Jungkook at another age just as premature.
“I haven’t told anyone and it’s embarrassing. You read it.” You read how fucking pathethic I am when you are what’s on my mind.
“I read the page and a half where you talked about him and his precious smile, his glowing eyes, his feathery hair, his plump lips, his cute giggles, his dark clothing that absolutely does not match his soft and sweet personality.” He says in a mocking tone, but there’s something off with it, Taehyung can’t pinpoint exactly what. “I just want to know who this cute yet handsome, shy yet really flirty, cold as snow on the outside, warm as hot chocolate on the inside guy is.”
God, he’s reciting the exact same words Taehyung had used in his diary. He pays this much attention to something this stupid and not to history class? He really hopes he didn’t get to read too much because Taehyung has written an embarrassing amount of pages waxing poetic about Jungkook’s everything.
“I don’t think you need to know.” Taehyung says, and it sounds weak, he knows it, but he also knows that as much as Jungkook is nosy and pushy ninety-nine percent of the time, he won’t pressure him if Taehyung is actually serious about not wanting to tell him.
“Of course I do! How else can I evaluate if he’s good enough for you? Not that he’ll pass the test anyway, I don’t think anyone would, but at least I want to see if he needs to be taught a thing or two.”
And fuck , Taehyung is going to pass out. How can Jungkook say shit like this so unapologetically? This is the same kid who refuses to order at coffee shops because he’s too shy to speak to baristas. The worst part of it all is that he does it all the time, he says sweet, soft, thoughtful things that melt Taehyung’s heart all the time, and he does it sincerely , he’s honest about what he says and Taehyung can tell, he can tell by the way his eyes shine and his voice doesn’t waver, he doesn’t stutter when he tells him beautiful things.
“Oh, so you are going to teach my crush how to treat me right?” Taehyung asks sarcastically, hoping with all his might that he can lead Jungkook’s attention elsewhere and stop him from saying charming little phrases that seduce his heart.
“Of course, who else would? I know you better than anyone.” Jungkook says. “But to access my lessons he has to prove that he deserves you, which, again, I don’t think anyone does.”
It always catches him out of guard, just how little shame Jungkook has when it comes to being affectionate with him.
“So your solution is that I die single?”
“It doesn’t need a solution because it’s not a problem, you are already crushing on someone.”
“But you said you still need to approve of him.”
“Of course I do.” Jungkook confirms, and he sounds a bit… stricter than Taehyung thinks he should considering this is all a half joking, half serious conversation. “But I trust you to not choose a complete idiot to crush on.”
“I can promise you he’s not an idiot.” Taehyung says with a smile, but as he makes eye contact with Jungkook there’s a hint of sadness in his face that as much as it leaves as soon as it came, it still makes Taehyung slightly worried.
“He must be if he hasn’t realized he has you in the palm of his hand.”
Taehyung sort of agrees on that one.
20110214
Jungkook saved the day. He saved my day.
It’s valentine’s day, or well, it was, it’s 22pm now, so maybe we can call this Valentine’s night? Anyway, I had no plans because all of my friends are dicks and are in stable relationships so I whined to Jungkook about it and he told me he didn’t have any plans either and that we should hang out together.
The first place he took me to ( Yes , took me, because he planned the whole thing by himself) was a bowling alley. I suck at bowling and he kind of does too but we laughed the whole time and his eyes were doing that thing where they shine brighter than the sun itself and his mouth was doing that thing where it spread wide and showed his pretty bunny teeth and his vocal chords were doing that thing where he laughed and talked and complained cutely and my heart was doing that thing were it fought my ribs to get out of my chest. I won but he told me that next time he would kick my ass and the only thing my stupid brain could focus on was that he mentioned there would be a second time.
The second place he took me to was a burger joint. We both ate gigantic burgers and we dipped our fries in our milkshakes and it was disgusting . Neither of us had either of our faces clean, and our hands were dripping with sauce, but we both felt comfortable, it felt right. I didn’t mind seeing him covered in burger grease because it doesn’t diminish the fact that he is stupidly handsome and it didn’t make me forget of the fact that he took me out on a date (friends date let a guy dream ) and it definitely didn’t affect the way I feel about him, if anything it made me realize that this is not a simple looks-based crush but that I actually like Jungkook for who he is.
The third place he took me to was a bridge over a little lake in the middle of a park.
We stared at the fish swimming inside the lake for an insane amount of time, way longer than necessary considering they were fish and none of us are really fond of marine life (Jungkook is scared of crocodiles and I am scared of sharks) but the company and the quiet calm felt great. I was comfortable, and I’d like to think he was too. The whole park was brimming with couples everywhere but we didn’t feel out of place at any moment. It felt like we belonged there, together. At one point it even felt like he started leaning in to kiss me, but it was probably a weird delusion on my side.
One way or another, today was the best day I’ve ever had in a long time, and I have Jungkook to thank for it.
The following days, Jungkook acts like a hawk around Taehyung.
He knows that it’s because he’s trying to figure out who his crush is by observing how he acts around other guys, but reality is that his tactic has two major complications. 1) Jungkook can’t observe how Taehyung acts with his crush from the outside because Jungkook is his crush and 2) There are no guys approaching Taehyung at all because Jungkook is driving them away by being intimidating. And the worst part of it all is that Jungkook doesn’t realize he’s being intimidating, but his eyes are almost really big and almost fully black, he dresses in all black with chains, combat boots and he uses heavy eyeliner, all of that heightened by the fact that he has a resting bitch face and he usually only acts like the giant baby that he is around Taehyung. He can tell some guys want to approach them but they refrain because they feel like Jungkook will push them away because he’s staring at everyone with way too much attention.
He doesn’t mind too much because even if someone approached him, Taehyung doesn’t think he’ll be interested in going on a date with anyone. The thing is that every waking moment that Taehyung doesn’t spend studying or with his family he spends it with Jungkook, and he doesn’t want to change that. He likes spending all of his free time with Jungkook, he likes that whenever he’s bored he can simply shoot him a text and they’ll leave to get coffee, they’ll go for a walk, they’ll go to the movies or he’ll come over to play games or be lazy on the couch together.
Taehyung is reluctant to let any of their precious moments together become shorter or worse, non-existent because of dating or being with someone else, as fake as it would be, he’s selfish with his time and he’s selfish with Jungkook and he doesn’t want to change that. If anyone ever changes that it’s going to be Jungkook himself.
Taehyung prays every night that never happens. He doesn’t know how he’d react to Jungkook introducing him to a new boyfriend, he’ll probably just vomit in front of them and secretly hope that that will scare the new boy away.
“You really should give this whole detective charade up.” He states uninterestedly when both him and Jungkook are having lunch and the latter keeps looking around and staring blankly and pointedly to whoever starts walking their way. It’s driving other students away and they are the only two people on the table.
Not that Taehyung minds, but it looks weird that they’re the only two students in a table that can fit at least twelve people.
“What charade? And I’m not acting like a detective, I'm just being observant.”
“You’re scaring people away Kookie.”
“How?”
“By looking like a psychopath.” Jungkook pouts and Taehyung is endeared to no end. He presses Jungkook’s cheeks together and smiles at him. “You’re my favorite psychopath, baby. But you’re scaring everyone else away and it looks really weird that we are the only two people on this table.”
Jungkook looks around the table as if he had just realized that they were completely alone and he pouts again.
“I’m not being intimidating on purpose, I wasn’t trying to scare people away.”
In all honesty, people are quite idiotic if they consider a guy who has pouted twice in less than a minute scary, but Taehyung isn’t planning on sharing Jungkook’s cuteness with other people.
“I know baby, but still tone it down with glaring, just in case.”
“Fine. Has your crush approached us? Did I scare him away?” Funnily enough, as much as Jungkook was insistent on meeting Taehyung’s crush to approve of him , he didn’t sound apologetic at the prospect of scaring his crush away.
“No, he hasn’t.” It wasn’t a lie. Not technically.
“And will he? Does he not like to have lunch with you? He’s already on my bad side.”
Taehyung’s stomach does a summersalt.
“ You are the only person I always have lunch with.” Taehyung reminds his best friend and crush for the last two years. “And you complain when I pay attention to other people when I’m with you.”
“That’s not true!” Jungkook screeches indignantly, but the blush on his cheeks gives him away.
“Yes, it is, and I don’t mind, I’d complain if you paid attention to anyone else when I’m with you.”
“I would never do that.” Jungkook states firmly.
“Neither would I.” Taehyung agrees.
“But if it was your crush I’d keep my mouth shut.” Jungkook adds earnestly.
“Would you really?” Taehyung asks in disbelief, scoffing and raising his eyebrows.
“I would! Why is it so hard to believe?”
“Maybe because that one time I went on a date with Jimin and canceled our game night for it you wouldn’t talk to me.”
“That was different, you went on a date with Jimin. ” He says like that explains it.
“And what if Jimin was my crush? Hm? What would you do then?”
“That’s not possible because Jimin is blonde and your crush has black hair.” Gosh, he remembers?!
“Jimin is not a natural blonde, Jungkook.”
“But it still isn’t him, right?” Jungkook asks nervously and sounding a bit disgusted. “Please tell me it isn’t Jimin.”
“It’s not.” He confirms. “And it’s not like I’d pay attention to anyone else when I’m with you.” He pointedly ignores the blush taking over Jungkook’s cheeks. “You should drop this whole thing already.”
“If you tell me who it is then I’ll drop it.”
“How is that dropping it?”
“I won’t bring it up anymore.”
“That’s a lie.”
“It’s not!”
“Yes it is, Jungkook, you’re nosy as fuck and specially if we’re talking about me. ” Taehyung says, booping Jungkook’s nose as he says nosy . “You don’t like being left out of the loop.”
“Well, that’s true, but-”
“No buts, embrace who you are, accept it and love it like I do.”
“You love me?” Asks Jungkook in a teasing tone and leans his head to the side.
Taehyung’s heart aches. He loves Jungkook and he’s certain that the other loves him too, but they don’t love each other in the same way. At least he doesn’t think so.
“You know I do.” More than anyone else he adds in his head.
20111201
My mom insisted on me learning that stupid routine, and I couldn’t be more grateful.
Today I was practicing the dance that my mom wants me to do with one of her friend’s daughter for her birthday, it’s stupid, I’m not a really good dancer and the girl is almost as tall as me, and I had been practicing all day long without getting a simple step right until salvation in the form of Jungkook walked through the door.
He was wearing those cute gym shorts he uses for his boxing lessons with a black shirt, bare faced, and really my heart is having the hardest of times holding back from telling him to kiss me senseless. He truly is the most beautiful boy to ever grace this earth.
He asked what was I doing and why was a disney song playing on the recorder and I explained the situation. At first he frowned but then he set his bag on the floor. He told me he would help me.
So he danced that slow dance with me, holding onto my waist and telling me to “Take his hand, take a breath, pull him close and take one step. To keep my eyes aligned to his and to let the music be my guide.” He literally recited the song because he’s a dumbass and a dork and of course he knows a disney song by memory and of course he’ll go out of his way to teach me how to dance and to be a sweetheart. Of course he’ll make my eyes water when we make eye contact and I feel like I’m closer than ever to him, of course he’ll just smile at me and tell me that I’m actually a great dancer and that maybe I should ditch the girl and dance with him. Of course he’ll be the prince charming to my stupid little frog prince.
The worst part of it all is that I feel like I’ll never want to dance with anyone ever again, because no one will smell like him, no one will hold me the way he does, no one will look at me like that when I make a mistake and step on him, no one will smile softly with the music and no one will offer to take me out to dinner when I’m sweaty and tired and clearly frustrated and definitively not the best company to be with, no one will treat me like him.
At least I hope he believes that no one will treat him the way I do either.
It’s like catching lightning, the chances of finding someone like you.
The thing is, as much as Taehyung knew that Jungkook wasn’t going to drop it, he also wasn’t expecting just how persistent he would become in his prying to know who his crush was.
“Why do you want to know so badly?! For fucks sake, it’s not even that big of a deal!” He says in the middle of a merciless tickling session that started because Jungkook asked again who his crush was and Taehyung told him to stop being an annoying pain in the ass .
“How can it not be a big deal?! You wrote, like, a full paragraph about him in your diary!”
More like a full five hundred pages, Taehyung thinks, but he’s not about to say it with Jungkook sitting on top of him running his hands all over his body.
It’s not that he minds Jungkook’s hands all over his body, it’s just that he wishes the situation was different.
“He’s never going to pay attention to me anyway, so it doesn't really matter! Just let it go!”
“In that case he’s an idiot if he doesn’t beg for you to even look his way, and I still want to know who he is so I can beat his ass.”
“You’re not beating anyone up!”
“I am if they are hurting you.” Jungkook says seriously, and he stops tickling Taehyung but doesn’t remove himself from the top of Taehyung’s pelvis. “Have you confessed to him yet? Have you flirted or hinted? Did he hurt you? Reject you? He’s an imbecile if he doesn’t value the great person you are hyungie.” He adds just as serious.
Taehyung’s heart aches in his chest. Jungkook is so sweet with his words, and oh how Taehyung wishes they were said in a different meaning.
“He hasn’t rejected me Kookie, I’ve never told him.”
“Then why not? Again if he rejects you-”
“He’s an idiot, yes, you’ve made that clear baby.”
“And I’ll kick his ass.”
“You can’t kick someone’s ass simply because they don’t return my feelings Kook.”
“I will if him rejecting you hurts you.” Jungkook says simply and then lays down next to him, cuddling him and burying his face on his shoulder.
Taehyung wants to have this every day, wants to be the receiver of Jungkook’s attention and affections forever.
“I’m serious hyungie, if he doesn’t want you back he’s an idiot. Biggest idiot on the planet.”
Taehyung simply sinks deeper into the hug and kisses Jungkook’s hand.
He has a dream that night where Jungkook finishes his last statement with God knows how bad I want you to want me back.
20120426
We had a fight.
It feels surreal, honestly, I never thought I would have had a fight with him, and much less over something as stupid. I don’t remember what it was now, I just remember it was stupid, probably had to do with jealousy, he’s even worse than me in that field.
I just know we spat stupid and hurtfult shit to each other, I still remember the pang in my chest and I remember his teary eyes. We never fight. It’s never this serious.
The one thing that makes it worse is the painful reminder that we are both as hard-headed as it comes and the uncertainty of how much time we are going to be on fighting terms. I don't want to spend days without Jungkook by my side, the idea of weeks or even months without Jungkook spending time with me is depressing to no end. It’s been less than three hours and I miss him already, I can’t imagine how I’d feel after more than three days.
I’m really fucking sad. I have no idea how to fix this because I don’t even remember what the stupid fucking fight was about and I feel really fucking lost and there is nothing I want more than to talk about this with Jungkook , but I can’t risk it because if I tell him that I don’t remember what we fought about he might get even more upset.
My mom just knocked on the door. He’s downstairs.
He came by and right now he’s asleep on my bed hugging a pillow because he wouldn’t stop growling when I tried to leave the bed.
He apologized and he told me he didn’t mean any of the things he said and I told him I didn’t either, so much that I don’t even remember what I said. he let me know that apparently I called him a bitch who wouldn’t lay off my ass and I let him know that I never want him to lay off my ass nor leave me alone because the two hours and a half I spent without him were the worst three of my life. I say hurtful things when I’m upset and so does he and we have to work on that but we’ll work on it together and even if it takes a dozen years we’ll keep trying.
We promised.
Things reach their boiling point a few weeks later.
Jungkook hasn’t stopped his efforts to find out who Taehyung’s crush is, and as much as Taehyung loves him and finds his insistence endearing, it’s getting annoying.
Annoying to the point that he’s considering telling Jungkook the truth so he’ll stop pestering him.
He’s exaggerating. The truth is he’s tired of keeping the whole thing a secret and it feels like if Jungkook is meant to reject him, he’ll get it over with and move on, and if he doesn’t get rejected then the first thing Taehyung plans on doing is fainting and then once he’s back on his feet, kiss him. He’s been harboring this beast of an emotion for two years, and it’s getting harder and harder to not explode and just vomit a speech in front of his best friend, to just risk it all and spit out what his heart is keeping inside and face whatever Jungkook is planning on saying back, whether it’ll be good or bad.
Taehyung hopes, prays, wishes that it’ll be a positive answer, that Jungkook will tell him that he feels the same, that he’s also in love with him and wants to start dating him right now. He even feels, at times, that Jungkook will confess himself, but reality is that all of that might just be his heart taking over his brain, even if at times Jungkook’s starry eyes feel more longing than curious.
“Is Seojoon your crush?” He hears Jungkook ask from beside him on the classroom bench, and only then he realizes that he spaced out while staring at Seojoon, and that Seojoon is looking back at him, smiling. They were supposed to be in class but something happened to the teacher. Taehyung doesn’t care.
Jungkook is frowning, staring at him, and he looks weirdly upset, lightning a small flicker of hope in his heart that maybe Jungkook is jealous and that’s why he keeps both insisting on knowing who is his crush and then frowning and pouting when he thinks he figured out who it is. He’s never happy when he thinks he has figured out who Taehyung is after.
“No, he isn’t.” He tells him, and the younger’s frown relaxes. “Why do you keep insisting, Jungkook?”
Before he can reply the same thing he’s been saying every single time he asks, Jungkook stops for a bit and stays quiet in thought.
“I just really want to know.” He says, and it sounds softer now, vulnerable.
For the second time since this shit show started, Taehyung takes a leap of faith.
“I’ll introduce you then. Come with me.” He says and grabs Jungkook’s arm to pull him towards the door.
With a bit of hesitance in his steps, Jungkook follows Taehyung to the bathroom.
“What are we doing in the bathroom? Is your crush a dealer? That’s the worst type of guy you could have-”
“Jungkook.”
“What? I’m right, I-”
“Jungkook.”
“What?”
“Here he is.”
“What?” Jungkook asks, looking around. “Taehyung, are you a medium? Is there a ghost here? ‘Cause if there is-”
“No, Jungkook, he’s here .” Taehyung repeats, pointing towards the mirror.
“What? But it’s just you and-” He stops in the middle of what he was saying as realization dawns on him and pretty pink tints his cheeks. God he’s beautiful.
“Oh.”
“Please say something.” Taehyung says, and it comes out more pleading that he wanted, more vulnerable than he thought he’d be.
“I-” Jungkook takes a deep breath, shakes his head and turns to stop facing the mirror and face Taehyung instead. “This is why I wanted to know so bad.”
“What does that mean? Is that good or bad? Please just be clear because I-” He stops because he can’t keep physically moving his mouth.
Because Jungkook is kissing him.
Jungkook is kissing him.
Kissing. Kiss. Mouth.
They part and they both take deep breaths again. Taehyung can’t speak, can’t find words in the mess that is his mind right now. Jungkook looks at him with a smile.
“I told you that he’d want you back, he’d be an idiot if he didn’t.”