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number one (#1) hater

Summary:

Harry Potter ✓
@therealharrypotter

A wonderful day for filming! #TheWizardingWorld

10:37 am . 10/5/16 . Twitter for iPhone
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13,992 Quote Tweets 35,234 Retweets 124,377 Likes

DM @theblondeone
I literally hope a pigeon shits on your head and ruins it.

104 Quote Tweets 43 Retweets 3,369 Likes

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Local twitter user Draco Malfoy (@theblondeone) is followed by his favorite the worst celebrity on the planet, golden-boy Harry Potter (@therealharrypotter). Things get out of hand very quickly.

Chapter 1: a terrible turn in events

Notes:

I have deemed it time for the public to read this piece of art, a creation that came to be bc of one of those sleep-deprived moments where a lightbulb appears over your head because you finally experienced a thought and then you run with it until you eventually pass out and wake up the next morning to find a word vomit and think “yeah ok. I was on to something’.

Will you guys enjoy it? Who knows. Will I continue this? Also who knows. Really depends on the reception if I’m entirely honest.

With that in mind, I’ll leave you guys to it, and I hope y'all enjoy.

(i made the twitter handles pretty easy to recognize each character in them except for one which yall will see is just ‘M’ and their handle is a bunch of numbers which I will not be typing out. It’s just Millicent. She wanted nothing to do with twitter but all of her friends were on it so she reluctantly made an account and it shows)

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

astrology.jpg
@astoria_reads

Rise and shine sleepy Gemini’s! Today's horoscope reports sunny skies and life-changing events! Something has shifted in the universe and it incites you to move, to wake up and get dressed in that nice grey cashmere jumper you have in the back of your closet and head out already. You will come across several things today, such as new beginnings, past experiences, and your car, which you will use to drive over to the square, because moving forward will lead you in new directions such as the restaurant your friends have been waiting very patiently outside of for the past hour. If you try and sleep-in and miss this opportunity of a lifetime, I will kill you! This newfound strength based on a very sound threat will give you a great boost of energy to start off your morning. Now, get out there or I will shove my fist so far up yo

9:05am . 10/5/16 . Twitter for iPhone
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3,951 Quote Tweets 5,121 Retweets 16,611 Likes

astrology.jpg @astoria_reads
You're lucky the word count stopped me @theblondeone

88 Quote Tweets 301 Likes

Pants @pantsyhoe
@theblondeone

12 Quote Tweets 198 Likes

Blaise Zabini @bucci
@theblondeone

13 Quote Tweets 245 Likes

tax fraud @theodore.nott
@theblondeone

10 Quote Tweets 231 Likes

Greg! @thegreatbritishbakeoff
@theblondeone

19 Quote Tweets 226 Likes

Vince! @hellssskitchen
@theblondeone

22 Quote Tweets 221 Likes

M @10293747291083
@theblondeone

31 Quote Tweets 256 Likes

Daph! @livelaughlove1
@theblondeone

39 Quote Tweets 273 Likes

DM @theblondeone
Every single one of you can fuck right off.

67 Quote Tweets 307 Likes

DM @theblondeone
Also, if none of these 'good things' happen to me today, I will be very displeased.

78 Quote Tweets 315 Likes

 

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House of Gryffindor Updates!
@houseofgryf_updates

@therealharrypotter and @_RONWEASLEY spotted at Trafalgar Square preparing for the new movie!

9:45 am . 10/5/16 . Twitter Web App
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5,602 Quote Tweets 4,091 Retweets 10,876 Likes

DM @theblondeone
 I am VERY fucking displeased.

15 Quote Tweets 123 Likes

 

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DM
@theblondeone

We need to stop this movie from happening. I can’t do it again. I can’t sit through another one of these horrible, disgusting, and revolting pieces of media that they have the audacity to call a remarkable franchise.

9:48 am . 10/5/16 . Twitter for iPhone
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67 Quote Tweets 102 Retweets 1,351 Likes

DM @theblondeone
I am pulling out all stops on this one. With the help of the greats @pantsyhoe, @bucci, @theodore.nott,@thegreatbritishbakeoff, @hellssskitchen, @astoria_reads, @10293747291083, @livelaughlove1, we will descend upon Trafalgar Square and kick up such a fuss they won’t be able to film! And then we’ll do it everyday after that until they give in to our demands and never make a movie ever again!

53 Quote Tweets 301 Likes

DM @theblondeone
We will put an end to these insulting excuses of celebrities and their franchise! Who’s with me!?

21 Quote Tweets 107 Likes

Pants @pantsyhoe
No offense darling but none of us are fucking doing that. btw can you pass the syrup

14 Quote Tweets 524 Likes

DM @theblondeone
Fuck.

32 Quote Tweets 611 Likes

 

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DM
@theblondeone

I hate the Wizarding World Series. I hate the 'House of Gryffindor' and everyone in it (stupid name by the way), and I especially hate Harry Potter (also a stupid name by the way).

9:50 am . 10/5/16 . Twitter for iPhone
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100 Quote Tweets 155 Retweets 1,523 Likes

Pants @pantsyhoe
pls pass the syrup

39 Quote Tweets 436 Likes

DM @theblondeone
No.

61 Quote Tweets 589 Likes

 

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the color yellow
@yellowballooon

Hellooo Twitter! so I live under a rock and have no fucking idea what the hell ‘House of Gryffindor’ is or why so many famous celebrities are a part of it, but they're all over my timeline so can somebody please enlighten me before I see yet another random redhead?

10:06 am . 10/5/16 . Twitter for Android
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34 Quote Tweets 15 Retweets 123 Likes

✽ Jasmine ✽ @flowersforjasmine
Hey there! House of Gryffindor is just the name fans have (affectionately) dubbed the celebrities who are under the company Gryffindor Media. Because of the fact that it seems as though every single person in the company seems to know each other personally and they collab almost constantly despite the difference in professions (like the singers appearing in the actors' movies, or the actors appearing in their music videos, etc.,), fans like grouping them together under one big unit (1/2)

11 Quote Tweets 64 Likes

✽ Jasmine ✽ @flowersforjasmine
They’re all still separate celebrities ofc, but even they themselves have begun referring themselves to being a part of House of Gryffindor publicly! @HermioneGranger has referred to it several times in interviews and on set. Hope this helps! (2/2)

6 Quote Tweets 51 Likes

DM @theblondeone
It’s better off if you don’t know.

8 Quote Tweets 29 Likes

the color yellow @yellowballooon
Really?? I’ve been only hearing good things about them. Can you elaborate on this?

2 Quote Tweets 37 Likes

DM @theblondeone
Absolutely not.

13 Quote Tweets 40 Likes

 

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Gaby <3
@INLOVEWITHGEORGEWEASLEY

@theblondeone I have been following your account for years and I still can’t tell whether or not your posts are satire, but I just want to say you and your friends are some of the funniest people on this cursed site, and you do give very insightful criticism to the Wizarding World series. I have to ask tho, you seem to go after Harry Potter the most. Why do you ‘hate’ him so much?

10:15 am . 10/5/16 . Twitter for iPhone
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602 Quote Tweets 74 Retweets 1,023 Likes

DM @theblondeone
Thank you for the compliment Gaby and for being a follower for so long. I’ll get to answering your question in a bit, but first, why is hate in quotation marks? And what do you mean by satire? I’m completely serious always. You should know this as my long-time follower.

543 Quote Tweets 862 Likes

DM @theblondeone
But anyways, I will try and be brief (1/541)

542 Quote Tweets 511 Retweets 2,029 Likes

 

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Harry Potter ✓
@therealharrypotter

A wonderful day for filming! #TheWizardingWorld

10:37 am . 10/5/16 . Twitter for iPhone
———————————————
13,992 Quote Tweets 35,234 Retweets 124,377 Likes

DM @theblondeone
I literally hope a pigeon shits on your head and ruins it.

104 Quote Tweets 43 Retweets 3,369 Likes

 

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Harry Potter and 100+ others liked your reply!

Harry Potter has followed you!




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DM
@theblondeone

What.

10:39 am . 10/5/16 . Twitter for iPhone
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5 Quote Tweets 10 Likes

DM
@theblondeone

WHAT.

10:39 am . 10/5/16 . Twitter for iPhone
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10 Quote Tweets 23 Likes

DM
@theblondeone

NO.

10:40 am . 10/5/16 . Twitter for iPhone
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17 Quote Tweets 36 Likes

DM
@theblondeone

NO THIS ISN’T HAPPENING.

10:40 am . 10/5/16 . Twitter for iPhone
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19 Quote Tweets 41 Likes

DM
@theblondeone

FUCKING UNFOLLOW ME RIGHT NOW @therealharrypotter

10:40 am . 10/5/16 . Twitter for iPhone
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27 Quote Tweets 20 Retweets 71 Likes

DM
@theblondeone

I SAID RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!! @therealharrypotter

10:41 am . 10/5/16 . Twitter for iPhone
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34 Quote Tweets 52 Retweets 145 Likes


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Harry Potter has liked 6 of your Tweets!




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DM
@theblondeone

THAT WAS NOT CODE FOR YOU TO LIKE SEVERAL OF MY TWEETS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!??!??!??!?!????! UNFOLLOW!!!!!@therealharrypotter

10:42 am . 10/5/16 . Twitter for iPhone
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134 Quote Tweets 392 Retweets 480 Likes


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Daph!
@livelaughlove1

For the last five minutes Draco has been standing in the doorway of the restaurant and alternating between making these weird, high-pitched squeals and looking deathly constipated. We can’t move him physically (he's surprisingly sturdy for a man built like a twig), and we can't talk him into moving because he isn't responding to anyone no matter what we say, and trust me when I say some horrible things have been said to him in these past five minutes. Greg says it's puberty, Blaise claims insanity, and Vince states: 'he needs to take a shit'. Vote in the comments what you believe is this man's current mental state

10:46 am . 10/5/16 . Twitter for iPhone
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446 Quote Tweets 610 Retweets 1,180 Likes

Daph! @livelaugh1
I vote insanity because he just started screaming. What is happening

104 Quote Tweets 167 Retweets 3,469 Likes

shinsou @shinsoups
Check his recent tweets!!!

95 Quote Tweets 127 Retweets 1,212 Likes

Daph! @livelaugh1
OH MY GOD?

259 Quote Tweets 342 Retweets 4,670 Likes

 

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daveydavis

@traceyinthehouse

10:42 am

????????

NO




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Marcus Flint

@greatestfootballplayer34567

10:47 am

Hey

DON’T TALK TO ME




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crying

@moaningmyrtlemoans

10:49 am

[typing…]

YES I KNOW THANK YOU MYRTLE

Always happy to help <3!




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Harry Potter has liked 15 of your Tweets!




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DM
@theblondeone

This isn’t fucking happening. This is a fever dream. None of this is real.

10:51 am . 10/5/02 . Twitter for iPhone
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1,967 Quote Tweets 3,041 Retweets 8,112 Likes


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House of Gryffindor Updates!
@gryf_updates

@therealharrypotter has followed a well-known satirical account @theblondeone on Twitter!

10:53 am . 10/5/16 . Twitter Web App
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4,730 Quote Tweets 10,125 Retweets 25,876 Likes


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DM
@theblondeone

You’re dead to me @astoria_reads

10:56 am . 10/5/16 . Twitter for iPhone
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2,305 Quote Tweets 3,728 Retweets 6,992 Likes

Notes:

formatting is hard