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Andrew was buying ingredients and it was all Neil’s fault.
The inconvenience could be traced back to yesterday, when Abby brought the team a fresh batch of homemade Christmas cookies after practice. She was arguably one of the better cooks in the foxes’ small circle, so Andrew’s mouth started salivating just at the sight of the container. He was the first to the cookies, swatting away his teammates hands as they tried to grab some for themselves. He stole a handful, then made his way back to his solitary corner of the locker room, with everyone else in line of sight.
He was about to start on his second cookie when he noticed Neil hadn’t moved, not since Abby had walked in. Andrew narrowed his eyes at him, taking in the rigid tension corded through his muscles and the faraway expression on his face.
It wasn’t the look he got when he was reminded of his father—Andrew had memorized the warning signs of that trauma spiral down to the way Neil’s breathing changed—nor was it the one similar to when he fondly (Andrew used that word loosely) remembered something about his mother.
This was different.
It was like he had never seen the stupid things before. It took less than a second for Andrew to understand why.
He suppose a childhood in the mafia then subsequently an adolescence on the run left little time for holiday traditions. And Andrew knew his parents weren’t the warm and fuzzy type so it was very well possible that Neil had never seen Christmas cookies in person before.
Andrew rolled his eyes. More so at himself, but also at Neil for being ridiculous. It wasn’t that big of a deal, but then again it was usually the things that weren’t that meant the most to Neil.
An image of a key transferring hands flashed in his mind.
Neil’s face was pitiful and Andrew hated him for the way it made his own gut churn. Inwardly Andrew sighed, already resigning himself to the decision.
Ever since Nicky became their legal guardian he forced them all to make Christmas cookies each year. Aaron was especially an ass about it while, surprisingly, Andrew was the more well mannered of the two when it came to the nauseatingly domestic activity. That was due to the fact that Andrew’s sweet tooth was larger than his hatred for the holidays and Nicky’s cookies were, thankfully, much better than the rest of his cooking.
After years of “family bonding” Andrew obviously knew the recipe as if it were laid out in front of him.
So that was how he came to be buying ingredients after his last afternoon class. He grabbed everything he needed, plus a pint of ice cream, in less than ten minutes but knew Neil would still make it back to the dorm before he did.
He had never planned on baking the cookies alone anyway. Teach a man to fish and so on.
Neil wasn’t in the common room when Andrew banged through the dorm door, but he came wandering out of their room at all the commotion. His eyebrows pinched together as he inspected Andrew, who ignored him while carrying the bags into the tiny kitchen.
“What did you buy?” Neil never could hold back his curiosity. Without sparing him a glance Andrew held open a bag, allowing Neil to see its contents. “Flour, sugar, and vanilla?”
“Come on, Josten,” Andrew said in his usual flat voice. “Use that rabbit brain of yours.”
“...Cake?” Neil tried, blinking up at him. Sometimes Neil was far more stupid than he looked, which was such a feat that Andrew couldn’t help but be impressed. Today was one of those times.
“Cookies.” Andrew started taking everything out of the bags and Neil watched, not even bothering to help. Useless.
“You just decided to make cookies on a random Tuesday afternoon?” Neil raised an eyebrow, slightly amused. 125%. Already tired of this conversation and without saying a word, Andrew grabbed one of the cookie cutters out of the bag, a Christmas tree, and held it up for the idiot to see.
He heard a slight intake of breath and turned his back on the mutilated boy so he wouldn’t have to see the look on his face. The one that Andrew knew all too well by now. It resembled a deer in headlights and made an appearance anytime someone did anything even slightly considerate or god forbid nice for him.
“Andrew—”
“Either help or leave.” He dug around for the only baking tray they had and ignored the slight tug in his chest when heard bags rustling behind him as Neil unloaded the ingredients. They set everything up in silence. There weren't many baking supplies in their tiny dorm since no one liked to cook and Andrew only ever bought his sweets, but Nicky had the bare essentials scattered throughout their kitchen for when he would rarely attempt to bake for the team.
When he noticed Neil was staring at a spot on the counter for longer than was even remotely normal, Andrew gently tugged on his ear, stealing his attention. They were both still sore from last Christmas, Andrew could see Neil sometimes get stuck back in Evermore and the nightmares had returned with a consistent vengeance since the first snowfall for himself, but for Neil this was even more than that. Andrew knew it without even looking at him. For such a traumatized runaway, Neil was annoyingly sentimental.
He looked at Andrew like he was his answer. Again. Even though Andrew had told him specifically that he wasn’t. Neil was not a fast learner, nor did he have any survival instincts, so Andrew just rolled his eyes and pointed Neil’s head back towards the ingredients.
“Put the butter and sugar in that bowl,” he directed as he began to preheat the oven. Miraculously Neil listened and when he was finished waited patiently for the next set of directions. They continued on like that until almost everything was mixed together. Andrew moved to oversee the mixing, his shoulder barely brushing Neil’s.
“Do you secretly have an apron too?” Neil suddenly asked. After a moment Andrew looked up at him and was met with a mischievous glint in those blue eyes and a smirk tugging at his lips. It was different from the smile he did when he was emulating his father. This one was smaller, private.
Rather than respond, Andrew dipped his hand in the bag of flour and quickly pressed a firm hand to the front of Neil’s shirt before he had time to realize what was happening. He yelped in protest and Andrew admired the dusty white handprint in the middle of Neil’s obnoxiously orange shirt. It was his favorite piece of Fox spirit wear and everyday Andrew was tempted to throw it out the window. He watched as Neil desperately tried to brush the powder off, but a light outline still remained.
Andrew let the corners of his mouth tip up slightly and when Neil’s eyes drifted back to him, he paused. A pink tongue darted out to wet his lips and Andrew tracked the movement. But before he could ask the question a fistful of flour was thrown in his face. When he blinked open his eyes a white cloud mingled in the air between them. Through it he saw Neil’s shit eating grin and too many emotions collided within Andrew’s chest for him to react properly.
“Idiot,” he mumbled, then his attention was drawn away from the intoxicating man in front of him and pulled towards the sound of a door opening.
When Kevin walked into the room it took him a moment to realize anyone was in the kitchen. When he did he froze mid stride and silently took in the flour scattered along the counters, in Andrew’s hair, on Neil’s shirt.
Unfortunately, he opened his mouth. “You know you’re going to have to run off those calor—”
“Scram, Day,” Andrew commanded and Kevin scowled before disappearing into the bedroom. When his gaze drifted back to Neil he looked radiant. “Mix.”
Neil continued to smile wider, but for once he did what he was told. While Neil’s hands were too busy to make any more of a mess, Andrew floured each of the cookie cutters. He let the silky powder envelop his hands as he took longer than the task actually called for.
He had always liked soft things.
When he was young it was because he didn’t have anything that was. All he knew was sharp, cold, hard. The room he shared with the other kids was all blank walls, metal beds, stiff clothes, and scratchy sheets. Then at some point he was given a blanket. It wasn’t large, not even big enough to cover the entirety of his tiny body, but it was the softest thing he had ever felt. He slept with it curled around him every night, like a shield.
When he was inevitably relocated he was forced to leave it behind because it wasn’t one of his meager possessions. He didn’t protest, but he couldn’t sleep for months afterwards.
When he was older it was because he was very particular about what touched his skin. He had felt too many rough restraints, greedy hands, cold belts, and sharp razors. Almost everything made him want to flinch, but his armbands were a smooth security that glided over his scars like armor.
He let himself get momentarily lost in the lightweight fluff of the flour as he dipped in a Christmas tree shaped cutter. He rolled it between his palms, its cold silk touch addicting. But then Neil set aside the whisk and Andrew forced his hands to retreat, instead grabbing the small rolling pin, ignoring how his body involuntarily tensed at the feeling of the coarse wood.
He handed it to Neil.
“Roll.”
Neil seemed unsure but obediently grabbed the pin. Periodically Andrew would correct him, tell him which side was too thin and which was too thick, but eventually it was good enough so he unceremoniously handed Neil a random cookie cutter.
They cut for a few minutes in silence. Neil was more indecisive than necessary for cookies that wouldn’t last longer than a couple days, but he meticulously chose a new cutter each time and was careful not to break the dough as he gingerly moved it to the tray.
Andrew cut a few too but soon got bored and gave up, opting instead to eat the scraps of dough that Neil left behind. The striker didn’t seem to mind and continued on his task with all the vigilance of an exy practice.
Andrew somehow refrained from rolling his eyes, but it was a near thing.
Before long the dough was gone and the tray was full, so he shoved it in the oven, set the timer for 10 minutes, and went to wash the flour out of his hair.
It just so happened that Neil was then left to clean up the mess by himself, something Andrew would never intentionally do.
He didn’t miss Neil’s incoherent grumbling as he disappeared behind the bathroom door but ignored it all the same.
He wasn’t gone long anyway, just enough to wash his hair and enjoy the heat of the water for a few minutes. But when he came back out he was met with Neil standing stiffly in the middle of the kitchen with oven-mitted hands holding the tray in front of him.
“Did I burn them?” He asked anxiously. Andrew came closer and peered at the pale things.
“They’re hardly cooked.” What did he do, pull them out as soon as Andrew got in the shower? There was only the tiniest hint of gold pigment on the edges of the doughy shapes.
“There was still like five minutes left of the timer but they just started expanding and they wouldn’t stop. I wasn’t sure if that meant they were done.” Neil’s eyes roved over the cookies, as if expecting them to burst into flames at any moment.
Andrew tried to stamp down the fondness growing in his chest and grabbed a hot pad before taking the cookies from Neil and putting them back in the oven.
“Not yet,” he said as he let the oven door bang shut. When he turned around Neil was staring at him with slightly too wide eyes and Andrew gave up. He came to a stop in front of him and tried to keep his voice even. “Yes or no?”
“Yes.” Neil had barely finished saying the word before Andrew snaked a hand behind his neck and brought their lips together. He tried to kiss away his anger, maybe a bit too roughly, but Neil didn’t seem to mind as a low noise rumbled from deep within his throat and he threaded his fingers through Andrew’s hair, which only made Andrew angrier.
It was ridiculous that someone so hopeless, so dumb could make him feel this way. He wanted to rip his heart out of his chest, the one he used to think could no longer beat, and watch it burn till it crumbled into ash.
But instead he just pushed Neil against the counter, keeping their bodies fused together.
He didn’t pull away until it felt like his lungs would burst, and even then it was only for a few seconds to catch his breath. He didn’t want to stop until his hunger was sated or he was able to forget himself, plus Neil’s lips were too addicting for their own good.
Neil kept his hands firmly in Andrew’s hair, pulling in the way he knew Andrew liked, even though he would never admit it. More often Andrew had allowed Neil’s hands to wander, still contained to a chosen area, but given space to roam. Yet still, Neil kept his hands in his hair, not even attempting to drag them downwards, not until Andrew gave him the okay.
And Andrew hated him for it.
He hated Neil for everything. For how he refused to leave Andrew’s side, for how he could read Andrew’s emotions better than anyone, and for that look he got in his eyes when Andrew walked in the room.
Neil was well aware of his rising percentage in Andrew’s mind, but what he didn’t know about was the other tally. The one Andrew kept for when he couldn’t hate Neil at all.
It was growing larger by the day and Andrew pretended he didn’t notice, but he did. Of course he did.
And now he was baking Christmas cookies of his own volition.
Neil bit down on Andrew’s lip making his whole body shiver and Andrew was about to reach up, grab Neil’s hands and drag them down to his chest. To let him feel, to let him hold on to. He started to raise his hands, grab Neil’s wrist and—
The timer went off.
They both froze. Andrew was tempted to let the damn things burn but then he would have just wasted an afternoon. So, he squeezed Neil’s wrists once then pulled away.
Neil was panting before him with his lips a swollen mess and pupils blown wide.
Andrew himself was trying to get his breathing under control in an attempt to not make it so obvious the way Neil affected him. But by the sly grin that spread across Neil’s obnoxious face he knew. Andrew didn’t want to know how red he was. Instead, he pushed Neil’s smug face away and turned towards the oven.
When he pulled out the cookies they were perfectly golden.
After the last cookie was taken off the hot tray and placed on the cooling rack, Neil thought that was the end of it. He still could hardly believe that Andrew would do any of this for him in the first place. But the texture of flour still coated his hands, a reminder that it was real, and he never wanted to wash it off.
It was one of the best afternoons of his life.
Then Andrew started pulling more ingredients from the fridge.
“What are you doing?” Neil peered over to see what he grabbed. Milk and confectioner sugar.
Andrew seemed to wait to see if Neil would figure it out himself, but Neil just blinked at him so eventually he sighed.
“I don’t like dry cookies.”
For a moment Neil just continued to stare at him until the meaning of the words crashed over his head. “We’re… icing them too?”
Andrew didn’t bother responding but started pouring the ingredients in the mixing bowl. Neil wasn’t sure that he would even eat a cookie when all of this was finished, with Andrew cooking it would probably put him in a sugar coma.
But it wasn’t about that.
So, with a lump in his throat Neil helped Andrew make the icing.
By the time they were done the cookies had cooled down enough to start decorating. Andrew had even gotten some food coloring to mix into different bowls. He rolled his eyes when Neil made the largest bowl a bright orange, but he didn’t protest.
Just as Neil put a glob of orange icing on a reindeer the dorm door swung open and Nicky came barging in, his energy a stark change from the peaceful quiet they had been enjoying for the last few hours.
“You’ll never believe what I saw! Oh my god, I’m going to have to wash my eyes out with bleach! So I walk into Coach’s office, with a purely innocent question mind you, only to see him and Abby—” he stopped short when his eyes landed on Neil and Andrew, each with a cookie in hand, surrounded by dozens of others. “Are you…?” he trailed off, dumbstruck.
“No,” Andrew dismissed, eating the one he just finished decorating.
“…Icing cookies?” His eyes bounced back and forth between them. Andrew continued to chew and Neil went back to turning his reindeer into a fox, hoping Nicky would get over this quicker. “You totally are! Oh my god!” He ran to the bedroom and flung open the door.
Neil heard a muffled “Hey!” From Kevin before Nicky’s voice drowned him out.
“They’re icing cookies!” He shouted.
“I know, I’m going to have to tell Dan to add ten laps to—” before he could finish, Nicky groaned and closed the door again.
He practically ran over to the kitchen before stopping to gawk at their handiwork.
“You guys are horrible at this.” He pointed at Neil’s makeshift fox and a messy present courtesy of Andrew. They did look a bit wonky. “And you didn’t even make the right colors. No green or red, just white, blue, and orange? That’s not very festive.” Nicky stared dismayed at their set up.
“Complain to someone who cares,” Andrew said, not looking up from the cookie he was icing, but his voice was enough to make Nicky drop it. He gave a slight huff before looking at them with determination.
“Well with your paired lack of artistic vision, we’re going to have to enlist some help.” Before they could tell him not to, Nicky swept out of the room, barely closing the door behind him.
“He’s going to tell everyone,” Neil said, picking up a Christmas tree.
“You could lock the door,” Andrew suggested and Neil scoffed in amusement. Even though neither of them moved to do so he noticed the tenseness had melted out of Andrew’s shoulders and a warm feeling tingled over Neil’s skin.
Within the minute Nicky came charging back into the room with most of the foxes trailing behind him.
“Oh my god he was telling the truth,” Dan said as soon as she saw them.
“See!” Nicky waved an emphatic hand in their direction and Neil was starting to regret not barring the door. He felt like a zoo animal.
“I didn’t know the gremlin could bake,” Allison snarked, leaning against the wall. “Doesn’t that require a soft touch and the ability to care?”
Andrew picked up one of the icing knives and twirled it between his fingers. “Get to work or get out.”
Unsurprisingly, Renee was the first one to take her place at the counter, grabbing a hefty snowman and meticulously piling on the white icing. The rest eyed them carefully but when Andrew didn’t move to cut off Renee’s fingers they deemed it safe enough to join and each began to help.
Matt took his spot next to Neil and when he saw the converted reindeer he smiled. “That one’s my favorite.”
Neil eyed the subtle disapproval on Andrew’s face and said, “Mine too.”
Andrew made a small huff and Neil smiled. He so often acted aloof but Neil relished getting any response from him that he could. When he set down a haphazardly done tree Neil took one of the few remaining reindeer, added a fresh glob of orange on top, and handed it off to Andrew, as if they were an assembly line.
For a second Andrew just stared at it, then his eyes rose to meet Neil’s, no doubt taking note of the challenge he saw there. Neil held it out further, letting Andrew make his choice but slightly pestering him to humor Neil, who’s pulse quickened under his skin. Eventually he looked away, dismissing Neil, but before he could lower his hand Andrew reached out and took the cookie from him. He didn’t acknowledge Neil’s attention as he watched Andrew spread the icing in a manner similar to what Neil had done before, until it resembled a fox more than its original shape. When he was finished he set it off to the side and picked up a new cookie at random.
Neil stared at it on the plate. Granted, it was more abstract than the one Neil had done, making it impossible to tell what it was if you didn’t already know. But Neil did and he wanted to preserve the dumb thing forever.
He leaned his shoulder into Andrew’s and his heart felt too big for his chest when Andrew returned the weight, an unceasing presence against him.
“We need more colors,” Nicky declared as he set aside his tie-dyed snowflake. “I can’t make anything gay with this .” He gestured at their measly color selection.
“Just use your imagination,” Dan said as she set down a very nicely decorated gingerbread man. As soon as it was on the plate Matt grabbed it and bit its head off. “Matthew!”
He laughed, almost choking on the cookie. “It looked so delicious,” he mumbled around a full mouth. She shook her head disapprovingly and lightheartedly smacked his shoulder before handing him one that was uniced.
“Now you have to make me a new one.”
Matt took it happily and smiled. “Anything for you,” he said before leaning down and stealing a kiss. When he pulled away Dan’s smile rivaled his.
“Ugh,” Nicky groaned across the table. “You guys are sickening.” But Neil knew he would be a thousand times worse if Erik were here.
“And I have to deal with that 24/7,” Allison grumbled next to him.
“You are so strong,” Nicky agreed.
“Dramatic more like,” Dan corrected, reaching for a new cookie
“You don’t know what it’s like to have to deal with you guys,” Allison protested, then a wicked smile spread across her face before adding, “And don’t even get me started on all the sounds—”
“Okay!” Dan interrupted, a subtle blush rising up her cheeks. “I think we should change the subject.”
Nicky ignored her. “You’re telling me. I have to deal with these two,” he flicked his icing covered knife towards Andrew and Neil, who started paying much more attention.
Allison stood up a straighter, an evil glint sparkling in her eyes. “Really?”
Neil considered shutting Nicky up, but he was curious to know what he was going to say. Neil spared a quick glance at Andrew and saw that he hadn’t looked up from his icing but by the tilt of his head Neil could tell he was listening.
“They’re exceedingly obvious about it in their own weird way. I can’t tell you how many times they’ve locked me out of my own room or done that weird staring thing instead of talking, you know the one.” Allison nodded in agreement. “And they’re constantly going off disappearing together, always leaving me with Kevin. I would like to be invited to their mysterious outings every once and a while! I’m trustworthy, I love keeping secrets!”
“Yet you’re incapable of it,” Andrew deadpanned, surprising Neil. He hadn’t expected him to acknowledge the conversation at all.
“That is so not true!” Nicky protested.
“It’s a little true,” Dan said, flashing Nicky an apologetic smile when he glared at her.
“Offensive.” He turned his attention back to his roommates. “Where do you guys go all the time?” Nicky aimed his question at Neil knowing Andrew wouldn’t respond.
“Yeah, spill your secrets.” Allison leaned across the table.
“Maybe if you were more observant you’d know by now,” Neil replied simply.
Nicky tsked. “Never a straight answer.”
“They’re incapable of one,” Allison stated and Nicky made a noise in agreement.
“If they wanted us to know, they would tell us,” Renee spoke up, ever the pacifist. Neil appreciated her intervention, although it wasn’t necessary. If the others were saying things he didn’t want to listen to, Andrew would make sure they stopped.
It wasn’t that they were hiding their relationship, it was one of the best things that has ever happened to Neil, it just wasn’t anyone else’s business. It was between Neil and Andrew, no one else. The upperclassmen already made it no secret that they didn’t understand their dynamic and their opinion of Andrew was already set in stone. Neil didn’t need anyone else’s comments on his relationship, not when sometimes it was the only thing that made him feel real. He couldn’t even begin to describe how much Andrew had done for him, how much it all meant. But it didn’t matter, the only person who needed to know was Andrew and he did.
“Speaking of, are you ever going to tell us when you two actually got together?” Dan asked as she reloaded her knife with orange icing and slathered it on a stocking.
Neil shrugged.
“Well, at least tell us what your first date was,” Matt tried.
Neil accepted the cookie Andrew handed to him before replying, “I’ve never been on a date.” The others gaped.
“What?” Matt’s voice was quiet and he had a startled look in his eyes.
“Why would I want to go on a date?” Neil asked seriously. Dressing up in an uncomfortable outfit, getting food he probably wouldn’t like, making unnecessary small talk. Why would he want to do any of that when he could sit beside Andrew while he played video games, or watch him bask in sunlight on the roof, or lay with him in bed, their faces only inches apart, so close that Neil could see every color in his eyes?
“Neil! You can’t put out before you’ve gone on a first date!” Nicky scolded and that was when Andrew finally raised his knife, fixing Nicky with a deadly look. Joke or not, Nicky’s face began to pale at the threat. But before anything could happen the door opened and Aaron walked into the room. It took him a moment to notice everyone standing huddled around the table.
“The hell are you guys doing?” Aaron asked, eyes narrow as he inspected all the supplies scattered across the surface.
“We’re speculating on Andrew and Neil’s sex life!” Nicky offered unhelpfully, as if he weren’t already on thin ice.
Aaron grimaced. “Well stop,” he grumbled as he came to stand next to his cousin.
“Come on, don’t you want to know who—”
“If you keep talking about this,” Aaron interrupted looking slightly sick, “I’ll leave.”
Nicky’s face scrunched in disappointment. “You’re all no fun.” But he didn’t try to bring it up again. He handed Aaron a cookie, who took it reluctantly, before switching the conversation to a new topic and eventually Aaron began to ice too.
When there were just a few cookies left on the tray Kevin finally emerged from the bedroom. It took a bit of pestering from the others but eventually he iced one singular cookie, then ignored everyone’s protests as he tossed it in the trash when he was finished.
Neil was peer pressured into being the one to ice the final cookie and then they all set about moving the supplies over to the kitchen sink. Although, no one volunteered for dish duty so they gathered back around the table, eating all the freshly decorated sweets while sharing stories. More than once Kevin tried to turn the anecdotes about practice into an opportunity to lecture, but the others groaned so loud that he eventually gave up.
Somehow the conversation turned towards past bets and Neil enjoyed hearing about all the ones he wasn’t allowed to partake in freshman year.
“Allison made so much money when we found out about you guys.” Nicky winced. “My bank account still hasn’t recovered.”
“It’s not my fault you all were stupidly blind,” Allison gloated, brushing her hair over her shoulder with a satisfied smirk.
“No, some of us were just too stubborn to change our bets,” Matt amended.
“And some of us didn’t even see it coming.” Dan sent a pointed look to Aaron and Nicky, who threw his hands up in exasperation.
“In my defense, it seemed really fucking unlikely! Like Kevin quitting exy unlikely.”
Neil couldn’t help the grin that began to spread across his face. If he could have bet, he probably would have been on the pessimistic side too. No one was more surprised by their change in relationship than him.
He cut a glance at Andrew beside him, only to find that he was already watching him. His mind seemed to be following the same thought as his eyes squinted just barely before sliding away and Neil understood what he was saying as clearly as if he had spoken it aloud.
Neil could almost hear his voice as he scoffed, idiot .
And maybe he was, but despite Andrew’s objections, Neil knew he liked it.
“Ugh, look at them,” Nicky groaned, throwing a balled up napkin at Neil’s face. “Get a room!”
“They weren’t even doing anything, it’s not like they’re exactly the PDA type,” Matt defended, taking the napkin out of Neil’s loose grasp.
Nicky scoffed. “That eye fucking thing they were just doing is their version of groping each other on the counter.” That sent up a flurry of remarks from the others, including a gagging noise made by Aaron, but Neil just rolled his eyes. As Nicky tried to get the others to agree and bickering descended on the table, Neil let his eyes wander to where they always did, Andrew. He wasn’t surprised to see a glare on the goalie’s face pointed directly at Nicky, but what did catch his attention was the subtle pink hue on the tips of his ears.
Neil felt a smile pull at his lips, one that he suppressed, and was almost overwhelmed with the desire to reach out and grab Andrew’s ear between his fingers. To make sure that what he was seeing was real, to feel the warmth under the pad of his thumb.
Andrew must have felt his gaze, Neil had never bothered to be subtle with his staring even if Andrew pretended to be annoyed, but his eyes only left their fixed position on his cousin when Neil reached out his hand and Andrew tracked the movement. Slowly, under the table, Neil placed it between them, palm up. A silent question, one that Andrew could decide for himself if the answer was yes or no.
For a moment Andrew just stared and Neil waited patiently for his decision. If the answer was no, that was fine. Neil knew how Andrew felt, it was obvious in all the tiny ways he had let Neil in, let himself care. Neil would be forever grateful for anything Andrew was willing to give him, and he had already given so much. But just because he would be content with whatever Andrew chose didn’t mean that his heart didn’t speed up when slowly, but deliberately, Andrew’s hand began to reach for him too.
The tips of their fingers met and it sent a jolt through Neil’s body as it always did when Andrew touched him. It was a feeling he would never get used to, one that he craved each time Andrew willingly offered a part of himself to Neil. A trust that should have been impossible after a lifetime of pain and betrayal, but that he offered to Neil nonetheless.
It sometimes made Neil dizzy how much Andrew had given him. Not only himself but also this dream of a life that Neil was now allowed to live. How he had taken the worn scraps Neil held close to his chest, that he called surviving, and slowly and imperfectly sewed them together until it became something worth holding. Seams showing and patterns mismatched, sure, but whole and his.
Their fingers threaded together, perfectly settling into the grooves of the other’s palm and Neil never wanted to let go. For a long moment he just stared at their hands pressed together under the table’s shadow, too dark to see where one’s hand ended and the other’s began.
Andrew didn’t look at him, instead fixing an indifferent gaze across the room, but his grip was tight and unwavering.
“You know, it’s incredibly rude for you two to be so happy when my man is an ocean away.” Nicky’s voice brought Neil out of his devotion and back to the chaotic room.
“Happy is a bit of a stretch,” Allison remarked.
They all looked at Neil as if he was eager to shed some light on the matter but he just blinked at them.
Matt’s eyes focused on him, soft in a way that was only reserved for his former roommate. “Are you happy, Neil?”
Neil looked at all of his friends gathered around the cheap table, helping him ice Christmas cookies for the first time in his life. His family.
“I’m the happiest I’ve ever been,” he said truthfully and Matt beamed.
“That’s a low bar,” Andrew stated and he was right. But that didn’t stop the small smile from spreading across Neil’s face as he looked at him.
“It’s rising everyday.”
“150%,” his voice was emotionless but finally he lifted his eyes to meet Neil’s, they were the brightest thing he had ever seen.
“You’re all talk.”
Andrew didn’t respond. Instead he just handed Neil one of the deformed presents he had iced. He watched Neil take it, not looking away until he took a bite.
It tasted like home.