Work Text:
February 1st, 2017
Humboldt County
The lake wasn’t all that special.
No matter what Cassidy told Sean, it wasn’t their private ‘oasis.’ It was kinda small and lonely like that abandoned cabin. Most of the banks were thick with weeds and ferns, and the water itself dark and murky. Did she really go swimming here?
Sean paused, lifting his eyes off his sketchbook and stretching his fingers. The lake wasn’t even worth drawing. But that wasn’t really why he was out here.
Still, he took the pen and resumed working on outlines of the redwoods on the other side of the shore, which looked shorter and stumpier than those back at camp. Like they were bogged down with all that water. Penny believed Merrill dumps hella-illegal chemicals like fertilizer and pesticides right into the lake. And before that the government did bio-experiments here.
Stay away from that lake, Sean. You get that water inside you, and that won’t be pretty. Might not kill you on your first dip, but it’ll kill you all the same. You’ll see.
Hannah, who had been sitting beside Penny, hadn’t said anything. But from the slight curve of her lips, Sean knew she didn’t believe him.
He was more likely to be killed by a tree, like the fallen one right by Sean’s drawing spot. How often did these trees actually go down? Had it been killed by pesticides or poison?
No, probably just a bad storm. There had been a huge one the first week they had arrived. That night the wind had brought down a massive branch and landed right by the shower. Daniel was so scared and Sean ended up staying up half the night distracting him with stories, trying not to get freaked out himself.
But if someone had been under that branch when it fell, or if it had taken the whole tree down with it…
He’d told Daniel that it was way too unlikely one would fall while they worked out here. Redwoods live practically forever. One storm couldn’t bring them down.
But he really had no fucking clue. He was just winging it, as usual.
And it fucking shows, dude.
Sean stopped, turned his pencil and erased the half-ass lines that looked more like paint scratches on cars Dad had in the shop than anything resembling actual trees.
He couldn’t do anything right. By himself, he couldn’t handle Daniel. Dad was the one who could. Daniel didn’t like it here. He had told Sean all the reasons- it was too dirty and cramped in their tent, and there was no one his own age around. And most of all, they couldn’t practice like they used to at the cabin or on the road. Sean tried to be patient with him and explain the necessity of needing money they could only earn this way.
But lately, everything had turned into an argument. Like the one they just had in front of the group that actually devolved into a full-on shouting match. Everyone on the camp saw it too.
It was so embarrassing having a brother that wouldn’t listen.
He folded his sketchbook and stood, too irritated to draw, but he didn’t want to go back to camp either. He started kicking around the dirt, picking up stones and skipping them across the water’s surface.
It was easy and mindless, and somehow skipping stones was more satisfying than drawing right now. He looked for flatter, wider ones, arcing his arm further back to send them dancing across the water five, eight, ten times before finally sinking into the murky water.
With each throw, he put more force into it, imagining he was hitting that asshole who kidnapped him, or the stupid cougar who took Mushroom. Or that fucker who shot his dad.
But skipping stones wouldn’t hurt any of them. Maybe he should learn how to make a slingshot, so the next person who put a hand on him or Daniel would really pay.
Don’t be stupid.
Daniel can throw a thousand rocks much harder and further now. He was the one with real power. Sean was just his trainer. One he didn’t even listen too much anymore.
Sean picked up another stone, aiming at a ugly bullfrog that had hopped too close on a floating, rotten piece of wood. Sean pulled back, and carefully aiming, let the rock spin through the air. It hit the water an inch beside the green fucker, making the frog croak in surprise and hop away.
“Whoa, nice shot! Didn’t know you were an amphibian assassin . You let it get away on purpose though.”
“Oh. Maybe.” Sean answered, but he didn’t turn to greet Finn.
Instead. he picked up another stone, but paused, busing himself with cleaning dirt off it. Finn took a couple steps closer, so they were both standing by the bank. But the philosopher kept his distance.
“You should throw knives with me some time. You saw the stupid cheesy bullseye by the lake trail? With your marksmanship, you could probably teach me some tricks.”
“No.” Sean flicked his stone into the water, keeping his eyes on it and not Finn as it skidded almost to the other side. “I don’t think I can help. I don’t know anything about knives, and I couldn’t even teach my brother to skip stones.”
They were quiet for a minute, Finn picking through the sand and coming up with a narrow stone.
“Well, I actually never learned either. Bet you can teach me.”
“What? You don’t know how to skip a stone?” Sean tried to stop himself there, but the stupid helpless look on Finn’s face was too much. He was just trying to flatter him. “I mean, I thought you knew everything.”
“Whoa, cold.” Finn said. “I guess I deserved that.”
Sean shook his head, but didn’t reply. Finn was supposed to be this amazing dude everyone in camp looked up to. Sean needed to stay on his good side. He’d gotten him this job. It was the only safe way he could earn real money for Puerto Lobos.
But, he wasn’t family. Daniel wasn’t his brother, and Finn should have minded his own business.
“Sean,” Finn said softly. “We’ve only known each other for a couple weeks, and I don’t want you to get the wrong idea about me. I wasn’t trying to say that I knew more about the situation with your mom than you do. You know what’s gonna be best for you and Daniel as far that goes. I was just talking about what worked from my own experience, when I was younger—”
“But you aren’t that much older than me.” Sean stomped on a rotting branch, feeling it crumble satisfyingly under his foot. “I mean, I appreciate you showing me how to trim and your advice on the job and all…But sometimes you kinda act like you’re Plato or some wise philosopher. But you’re just a kid like us.”
“Well,” Finn said. He half-frowned, looking at the water like he was contemplating Penny’s theory. “I wouldn’t quite say it like that. I have been on the road longer than you two, and I ain’t 16. But you’re right. I can get a little existential at the wrong times. I’ve had more than one sign in my own life that-“
“Wait. How old are you exactly?”
Finn laughed, looking at Sean with those strange, deep eyes that made Sean feel strange himself.
“Funny you should ask that. You know, I think we should both get to know each other better. Maybe it’ll help us communicate a little easier as we’re gonna be living together for at least a couple more months ‘til work runs out. I want you and Daniel to both be comfortable here. You guys are great.”
Sean turned to him then, trying to push out the weird relief those words made him feel.
“Even when we are yelling at each other? That’s gotta get on your nerves.”
Finn shrugged, his eyes not letting Sean go.
“Just reminds me of life with my own bros. And Daniel reminds me of myself, a little. Maybe that’s why I jumped in where I shouldn’t have.”
“Huh.” Sean paused.
He wanted to draw a clear line with Finn. Needed to make sure Finn knew that although he was grateful for his help, Daniel was off-limits. It was too risky to let anyone else help parent him.
Finn, and Hannah and Cassidy might all talk about family and depending on one another. But they didn’t know how hard it was to raise a kid. Especially one like this brother. If they knew about his powers, they wouldn’t want him anywhere near the camp. This was something Sean had to do alone.
So, part of him wanted to stay mad at Finn for interfering. But there was something about him that made it hard to stay mad. He reminded Sean of Ellery, and the easy way he’d brush off Sean’s angry moods, and they’d be back to playing ball in his backyard again.
He needed to stay cool, though. He’d only earned a few hundred dollars so far.
“It’s okay. It wasn’t really your fault. Daniel was already bugging me about finding Karen before. He doesn’t understand that she is worthless. He thinks one letter—after eight years—means she actually cares about us.
“If Dad hadn’t been killed she would never have sent Claire that letter. And it's not like she actually tried to find us. She just wanted our grandparents to deal with the mess so she doesn’t have to. Karen can’t be bothered to go out of her way for anyone but her own self. I’m sorry, but that letter isn’t a sign of anything but her guilt.”
Finn didn’t respond, so Sean rambled on.
“We just need to stay focused on earning enough money and getting to Mexico. I can’t let anything get in the way of that. That’s…that’s why I snapped at you. Sorry.”
“Naw, Sean. It’s okay. I think we have more in common than I realized.” Finn squeezed his shoulder as he moved past him, towards the dead log. “Why don’t we take a walk? I think we both could use a breath of fresh air right now.”
Finn started climbing over the fallen tree, motioning for Sean to follow.
“Where are you going?”
“To show you something. A secret. Come on,” Finn called, not stopping.
Sean huffed, but followed behind anyway. He didn’t really feel like going on a hike right now, but he wasn’t really to deal with Daniel yet either.
Finn led him through the ferns and off the bank of the lake, towards a narrow deer trail that wound around the far side. Then they climbed up a steep series of switchbacks, Sean sweating but trying not to complain too much. Eventually, they left the redwoods behind, climbing through stubby bushes with strange, dark red bark.
The trails turned sharply up between rocks and Sean could start to see the whole forest, blanketing the mountains like an emerald carpet. A few more minutes and the trail ended at a hilltop, with a flat space where Finn promptly collapsed down, peeling off his sweat-soaked shirt.
“Damn that was harder than I remember.” Finn cocked his head up at Sean. “What do you think of the view? Worth it?”
From this vantage, Sean could see the whole forest, and the lake they were at before now looks golden in the late afternoon sun. Way out past it, the mountains faded and a series of purple and white clouds seemed to melt into something deep and blue.
““Yeah.” Sean nods. “Is that…”
“The ocean, yep!” Finn picked up a rock and tossed it, Sean barely catching it in time. “Think you can reach it?”
“Oh, sure. Easy.” Sean started to act like he was going to throw the rock but retracted his arm at the last second. “But I don’t want to make you feel bad that you can’t match me.”
They both laughed, and Sean slowly lowered himself to the ground, leaning against a big black rock, just staring at the view. The forest was nice at times like this. He wished he could just sit here, melt into the mountain, never worry about anything again. But he was too impatient.
“So…what's the secret? This spot? You can’t expect me to believe no one else knows about this place.”
“Oh no, Hannah was the one who took me up here first. Back when we were more, ummm romantic. All that first crush shit.”
“Oh.” Sean knew they had some kinda thing going on, but it was impossible to get the details. Well, and he had never really asked. He still kinda felt like an outsider with the group. They were all so close to each other.
“No, I was talking about us.” Finn made a gun with his fingers and cocked it back and forth between them.
“Us?” Sean didn’t understand. Was he trying to…no he couldn’t possibly be implying—
“I wanted us to share a secret. Something neither of us has told anyone else. Not even Daniel, or the family. It can be whatever you want.”
A secret? Sean did a double take in his mind? Was there something Finn already knew- had heard about him, about Seattle?
Sean felt foolish even thinking that, but he didn’t know Finn well. And the first secret that came to mind—that Sean had figured out that Daniel had accidentally killed Officer Matthews—wasn’t something he could ever share with anybody. Not Daniel, and definitely not Finn.
“A secret? I can’t think of anything off the top of my head.”
Finn gave him a funny look, like he wanted to call him out on that. But he didn’t.
“That’s alright. I’ll tell you a story while you think of one. Water?”
Sean took Finn’s water and drank it down sloppily as he talked. Finn was a good storyteller, and his voice had this strange, calming effect on Sean’s mind. Like the low-hanging sun that softened the hard mountains, turning their peaks to golden amber.
“It happened for me when I was about your age. That’s when I got my sign.” Finn started. “I had just gotten out of juvie.”
“You went to reform school? For what?” Sean asked.
“It’s a whole lotta nonsense.” Finn shook his head. “I’ll tell you about it another time. But after I got out, I returned back home, back to Montana you know? I didn’t want to see my Daddy again, after all this shit he got us into. But he kept writing letters, telling me he had changed. He was out on parole already, though my older brothers were still locked up tight. He paid for my bus ticket home. And I guess...I guess I was just fucking nostalgic for those few good times, you know what I mean?”
“Yeah.” Sean nodded. He was nostalgic almost all the time for the life he had back in Seattle. He would give anything to go back to that time before. When life wasn’t completely fucked up. Though sometimes it was starting to get hard to remember what it had been like. Like a different Sean had lived that life.
“So being the damn fool I was, I arrived at the house with my little bag and stupid school clothes, and my Dad was passed out on the couch, bottle of jack on the table. Dogs and chickens all coming in and out and trash and shit scattered on the floor.”
Finn half laughed, brushing his dreads out of his face.
“I had thought he had just missed my bus cause it came late. But nope, he’d got fucking drunk and couldn’t even pick up his only free son. I should have left right then. But I put my stuff in my old room, and found some money in the kitchen, and took his car out and bought some bread and meat and cheese- there was only beer and old pizza in the fridge. So I had me a little feast and went to bed full for the first time in years.”
“Did your dad…get mad you bought groceries?” Sean ventured.
“No. He acted like he didn’t care. In fact the first few days were kinda okay. Like those old times I guess. We just hung out, I helped him get the house clean and he bought us beer while he told me how sorry he was for being a shit father and how all that was gonna change and he was gonna make it up to us. He kept telling me I was the best son cause I was the only one who would forgive him. But…”
Finn drew in air, his jaw growing tight.
“I noticed some stuff of mine and my bros was gone. Mostly expensive stuff. Dad said it was sold off by the state while he was in jail—TVs, gaming systems, my new boots, but also some personal stuff. He said anything worth more than fifty bucks or so they had taken. I thought it was weird, but I didn’t know how that shit works when you owe the government money. So I just went with it. He was supposed to be hooking me up with a legitimate job at a cattle ranch, and I figured I’d stick around a little while longer and see what would come of it.
“Then there came a day, about my third week there, that daddy had me load up the truck with stuff to take to the dump, trash and recycling we could sell, some scrap metal left from our days dealing with cars—”
“Cars? You had a shop?” Sean asked.
“Not exactly. But that is beside the point. He had a bad back, so I was the one doing most of the unhauling at the dump. I had finished with most of the sellable shit, and was starting in on the trash bags when one of them broke on me. There was paper and shit everywhere. Daddy came out of the cab cussing and told me to just go deal with the other bags. I started to do just that. But something caught my eye. There was one shiny paper that had floated out and was stuck to the side of the truck bed. It was a receipt with blue and gray paper from a local pawn I’d sold to myself. I turned it over, and while he was on the other side of the truck, bitching about the mess I made, I read it. And there it was.”
Finn’s hand moved to his belt and he pulled his knife from the leather holder, turning it over and over in his hands.
“Before she had that last stroke, my mom had been a leather worker. She was real good—she had done it for a living. And for each of us, all four of her boys, when we turned 12, she had made a custom sheath, with our initials on it but also our favorite design we got to pick out. Cross and rose for Dean, skulls and daggers for Trev, green dragon—always a dragon for Jay, and for me, the triquetra—the Buddhisht symbol for everything being connected. And on the backside, she wrote a blessing in Latin. She was cultured and real smart. Even did two years at UM. Can’t believe she let herself fall for his charm.”
Finn gripped his blade tighter, his eyes back on Sean.
“When we were 13, we got to go pick out our knives to put in the sheaths. I kept mine with me when I went out, but once she died, it never left me. I slept with it under my pillow. It was—it was the way to keep her close.”
Finn sniffed, and Sean hesitated, then he wrapped his hand on Finn’s shoulder. Having lost his own dad, Sean thought he should know what to say. But all he could think of was the same stupid words everyone told him.
“I’m sorry.”
“It’s alright. It was a long time ago now. But then, she had only been dead two years when I had seen that receipt. Four genuine Hooker knives, each sold with a custom sheath. The receipt for 372 dollars, paid in cash to Henry K. McNamara. I stared at that, and then at my father, who was cussing me out again from the other side of the truck, calling me to come help him. Going on about how lazy and dumb I was, and all those other names he would use on us when things didn’t go the exact way he wanted. And then I looked back at the letters on that receipt—my daddy’s own signature. And it clicked for me. It was like an epiphany. All the doubt I had was gone.
“I put the receipt down in the truck bed, and I walked out of that dump. Daddy kept calling back to me, screaming at me and trying to chase me. But I cut through a fence and hopped the first train out of town. I didn’t even go back to get my bag. That’s the last I saw him. He’s dead to me.”
“Wow.” Sean said, wishing he had better words. It was so crazy. He knew that Finn’s home situation must not have been great from the few stray comments he’s made. But he didn’t know that Finn had a parent just as shitty as Karen. And another who—
“Is that knife…?”
“Yep.” Finn flipped it over in his hand to show the initials carved into the hilt. “That’s the one Mom bought for me. I came back to town later, riding with the train, broke into the shop real early morning and got my knife. But the sheath my mom made by hand—all the sheaths were long gone. This one here I got now is just cheap shit. But my knife, no one is gonna take from me. Not over my dead body.”
“Yeah.” Sean pulled out his lighter. “I feel the same about this. It was my dad’s lighter. It’s…basically all I have left of him—and a small picture. I don’t let anyone borrow it cause if I were to ever lose it….”
“I’ll make sure you don’t.” Finn squeezed his wrist for a quick second, and it felt funny, so familiar. But somehow it was reassuring, like he could actually trust Finn with it. “Least while you are hanging with me.”
“Thanks. I didn’t realize we had so much in common.” Sean sighed, flicking the lighter on and off, before finally continuing. “I ran away from home once, too.”
Finn raised his eyebrow, but said nothing. Sean stared at the sky and the vast empty space where the sun was sinking fast, forming shadows of the valleys and making the lake dark again. Like it contained more secrets than even Penny could know.
“I wasn’t trying to escape my dad though. I was nine—Daniel’s age—and just really dumb. I had overheard my grandmother tell Dad on the phone that she got a postcard from mom with an address in San Francisco. So…”
Sean tried to remember, tried to imagine what his nine-year old mind was feeling, but it was hard. So alien to him now. Well, with so much time that had gone by...
“It had only been less than a year since Mom left us. And, when she left, Dad said he didn’t know when she would be back. He told me she still loved us, but she couldn’t be at home right now.”
Sean paused, trying not to be distracted by the sudden flashbacks of the weekend days Dad would take Daniel to bed and lock his door, turning up Sean’s cartoons on the living room extra loud, and not coming out for hours, and when he did, his eyes would be so red and his face like a ghost.
“I didn’t get it. I wanted to believe dad, so I made myself believe she would come back, and she was just on a trip, and trips end. Once they are over, you come back home.”
“Ummmm hmmmm,” Finn hummed.
“But the longer it went on, I thought, I started to think that maybe she was mad at someone. At Dad or me, and we had done something wrong. And if only I could talk to her…” Sean shrugged. “That’s why I decided to take a train to San Francisco. Dad and I had ridden one once to go down to Portland, and I knew it went to San Francisco after that. So, when Dad was depressed in his room, I stole the money out of his pizza jar and put some clothes and cookies in my backpack and snuck out.
“I took the bus out to downtown and found the Amtrak station. I had planned to buy my ticket at the electronic kiosk cause that way no one would ask me questions. I was going to use Dad’s name.”
“Damn, little pup,” Finn’s eyes widened. “You were a brave little kid to be trying to fake your way across state lines like that. Did you actually take it to SF?”
“No, I didn’t buy a ticket.” Sean hesitated, taking a breath. “I mean, I tried, but the kiosk wanted all this info I didn’t have—Dad’s driver’s license number and identification. So, I wandered around the station, trying to look for someone who I could pay to buy me a ticket. But right then, a train pulled up and I saw it was the right one. The big one that went all the way down to California. I thought maybe I could sneak in.
“So I was waiting for everyone to get off so I could go when the conductor was distracted. But as I was waiting, there was this one woman who had been standing near me, who was real fidgety and kept pacing back and forth until these two teenagers came out and she screamed and shouted their names. And uh,”
Sean’s voice cracked, and Finn frowned.
“You okay?” he asked.
“Yeah, it’s nothing. It’s just that—”
It was just the smile on that woman’s face, the way she was jumping up and down with joy, how she wouldn’t let the two kids out of her hug. Sean could see her in his mind now, how happy and excited she’d been to see her two kids come off that train.
Sean had stood behind her, watching everything, and had never felt so alone. Never felt so jealous of other kids. They didn’t even appreciate the love that was melting over them like the sun was now over the sea, so huge and bountiful, making everything glow. Made everything right.
While all he could do was watch silently from the shadows, wanting to scream at the top of his lungs.
Sean turned to Finn, palming the rock Finn had given him in his hand.
“It’s just that I realized how dumb I was. Chasing down a woman who could come back to see us anytime she wanted to. But she didn’t want to. She didn’t want us. Dad was wrong. Karen didn’t love us, not like the mom who waited for her kids all morning at the train station. And even if I had done something to make her mad, a real mom would have forgiven me. She wouldn’t forget my birthday. Or the promise she made to take me to see the whales when I finished 4th grade. She wasn’t worth chasing after.
“So, I turned around and took the bus home. Dad never even knew I had left. I went to my room, and in the coloring book she gave me for Christmas, I crossed out the word Mom and put Karen. She wasn’t my mom anymore. She wasn’t family to me.”
Sean arched the rock back and flung it as far as he could over the mountain, watching it disappear into the shadows. That was where Karen belonged. A faded memory Sean hoped he’d forget completely one day. A ghost who had haunted him and his Dad too long, had half-turned Dad into a ghost, because he’d clung to the idea of her coming back so hard.
They sat in silence for a moment, watching the sun shift lower, bathing them both in light. Finn’s hair glowed like fire.
“Seeing that mama at the train station was your sign.” Finn hummed, his voice getting soft and low. “And I think you are right to not go chasing after her now, either. But…”
“But?” Sean frowned.
“But Daniel might get his own sign one day, and he might need to follow it just like you and I did. Now he’s too young to be going off on his own. But one day, you might have to let him do his own thing. Follow his path. But even if that leads away from you, it don’t mean he doesn’t love you—just like you still loved your dad when you ran off.”
“No, we have to stay together. We are all the family we have now. The only ones we can rely on.” Sean said.
“I see that, little—Sean.” Finn corrected himself. “I know you are rightly protective of him. He’s a special kid.”
“He’s just my brother.” Sean interrupted a bit more quickly than he would have liked. “I am the only one who can take care of him, who knows what he needs.”
“What about what you need?” Finn asked, pulling a cloth bag from his pocket.
“Huh? I just need money and time to get us to-“
“No, in there.” Finn’s hand crossed him fast, tapped him light and quick on his chest, his two fingers grazing against his heart. “You look like you are searching for something yourself. Maybe feeling lonely trying to do everything on your own, like I was when I left my daddy’s place?”
“Kinda, I—” Sean looked away, down at the ground. He wasn’t so used to sharing so much. Especially not with...another guy his own age. He hadn’t even told Ellery anything serious in the past couple years. Lyla had been his confidant. It had felt easier that way.
But, something made him want to keep talking to Finn now. Even about embarrassing stuff.
“I left all my friends, everyone except Daniel behind. And, it’s great having him. But, sometimes,I think we don’t fit in anywhere. Like no matter where I go I can't find a place for me and him…”
“That’s why I hope you keep staying here. You can rely on us. You know Cassidy is a sweetheart and Penny and Jacob are cool dudes. Hannah might be a little rough around the edges, but she respects you for what you did, the initiative you took back in Seattle to save you and your brother. Sometimes blood just isn’t the people who treat you right, it’s who you should belong with.”
Finn paused until Sean looked at him.
“You have family here, if you want it.”
Sean blinked, feeling for a second that he was peering into the depths of Finn the philosopher, seeing him for the first time again. He might be full of himself sometimes, but underneath, Finn really…cared. About him and Daniel. Maybe he could actually help him handle Daniel.
“Oh. Thanks, Finn. I’ll try to be more...open. It’s hard for me to trust people now. But I’d like to get closer to you guys.”
And maybe to you.
But Sean didn’t say that, because the thought came sudden and unbidden, and he didn’t know why he thought it.
“I feel…better now and I do like it here. A lot actually.” Sean couldn’t stop the smile on his face. He wanted to keep sitting there, but at the same time, it was already too much for him. The way Finn was looking at him. “But, uh, the sun is going down. Shouldn’t we head back?”
“Hold on!” Finn grabbed his arm as Sean started to rise. “I got my flashlight in my pack and I know the way back like every scar on my hands. We got to celebrate first, and there is no place better than here and now.”
“Celebrate what?” Sean watched Finn take out a joint from his bag. Usually Finn didn’t need a reason to smoke.
“My birthday. I normally smoke alone, cause I don’t like people knowing.” Finn dug through his pockets, frowning. “Shit, musta left my matches back in my tent.”
Sean blinked. “Today’s your birthday? No one in camp said any—”
“That’s my secret. Now you know.”
“Then all that about your dad and—”
“I told that story a hundred times around the campfire. But no one knows I turned 19 today. Age is just a number, and I don’t want people forming judgments about me based off that superficial shit.”
“Then...” Sean was confused. “Why’d you tell me?”
“Cause I get the feeling that you are different. You don’t judge people for things like that. You are an old soul, like me. I can tell from your drawing, you see beyond the surface, sweetie.”
“Sweetie?” Sean laughed. He’d never heard a guy call him that. “You sound like my grandma.”
“But hotter right?” Finn winked at Sean. “Hot enough for your granny?”
“You are crazy. You and Claire—I don’t want that image stuck in my head.” Sean burst into more laughter. But then, he saw Finn rifling through his bag with his unlit joint in his hand. Sean pulled his lighter out.
“Here, take mine.”
Finn looked at him. “You sure?”
Sean nodded. It felt right.
Finn took it from him, leaning back and slowly, carefully lighting the joint. He passed it to Sean, and in that moment, something else solemn and quiet passed between them. An understanding Sean hadn’t had before. Hadn’t wanted to have.
“Happy birthday, Finn.” Sean took a long drag, and held the joint out towards Finn.
Finn said nothing, just crinkled his eyes and it was funny, but Sean felt like he was looking at him for the first time. When Finn took the joint, their fingers touched. Sean wondered about loneliness then- if both of them felt the same tug and that's what drew them together.
But then Finn closed his eyes and sucked in smoke and his humming relaxed Sean's mind. Made him not worry about his thoughts or theories. Or what the others were thinking about him and Daniel's fight. Or how he'd apologize to Daniel later.
They sat there as sun’s last rays disappeared into the distant ocean. The air cooled in the purple and black sky, but Sean was still warm. He still felt that glow, like something was wrapped around him, protecting him. That he’d felt when he turned thirteen and broke his leg on the diving board messing up a cannon ball into Ellery’s pool. Dad had jumped right in- fully dressed and all, and pulled him out of the water. And then held him still and told him that everything would be okay while they waited for the ambulance. With Dad's hands on him, he had felt like he was safe, protected.
He had that same feeling now. Maybe it was just the weed he and Finn kept passing back and forth, but he finally felt like he could find a family again. People who wouldn’t ghost him, no matter what happened.
The little lake below them started to shine in the starlight, growing silvery and bright. The water looked almost inviting. Maybe Cassidy was right after all.
Finn stubbed out the joint, and Sean stood, feeling light as a feather.
“Race ya to the lake. Last one in has dish duty for a week!”
Finn smiled at him like he was crazy. “That water will freeze your balls off. I don’t—”
“Come on.” Sean was already starting down the trail. He shouted back to Finn as he sucked in air. “It’s a Diaz family tradition. Birthday boy has to take a plunge. I mean, you want us to be family, right?”
“Hold up! You little shit!” Finn called behind him. “Gotta grab the flashlight.”
But Sean just laughed and kept going. And soon, he heard Finn catching up to him, cursing and shouting, but laughing just as hard.
They raced down the hill and stripped off their sweaty clothes, jumping straight into the freezing water. Splashing around with Finn right then, it seemed like to Sean that the only sound in the forest was of their shrieking, and cussing and laughter. Like only their pale bodies were reflecting the starlight shining down that night. Like him and Finn and only them had the secret to the best things in life. To the oasis where they could escape from the shit and stress all around them.
A secret that only family knew about.