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They had been sitting there for a while. More than 2 hours if Wilbur had to guess, his phone told him he had been there for about 45 minutes.
Time felt like light-years away as they patiently waited for the nurse to come out and tell them that their mom was alive and well and got away with only a few injuries.
Dad’s pacing didn’t help.
Tommy was awfully quiet and Techno had never held on to Wilbur so tight, his hands were trembling .
Wilbur didn’t know what to do, he couldn’t help but notice every goddamn small movement, from Dad’s chapped lips to the ticking of the clock on the wall.
God, why was everything so loud.
He put his head in his hands and counted his breath, just like he did when it got loud but this was different. It was like the silence was getting too loud for him to handle like Wilbur already knew the nurse would come out bearing the time of her departure, solemn as she would watch the family take the news in different ways.
Wilbur was right. Oh, how he wished he wasn’t.
1:23 am .
Dad let out a sound so deep and hurt, like a wounded animal, his hands reaching for his hair, ready to pull them out but Techno was quicker.
Delicate hands were overtaken by stronger ones and Dad hung onto Techno like a newborn child, so so vulnerable .
Wilbur’s first instinct was to reach out for Tommy sitting right beside him. Tommy cried and cried and cried on his brother’s sweater, making a wet patch near his shoulder.
Techno and Wilbur shared a look of understanding, they needed to be strong for their family.
So Wilbur didn’t cry.
He didn’t cry when he met his mom’s limp figure. Dad was there, holding her hand, begging her to wake up but didn’t he know?
Death isn’t sleeping. It isn't temporary, it's permanent, scarring.
It never breaks like delicate slumber.
The family wished her their farewells, but they didn’t receive any back from her.
She left too soon.
-
Wilbur didn’t cry when they spoke kind, raw words of her life in front of the thousands of people who loved her and she loved them right back because that’s who she was.
Why had Dad fallen for her so deeply? Her kindness was greater than any universe.
Why had Techno accepted her as his mother so quickly? Her comfort was warmer than any home, she was home.
Why had Tommy prayed to every star to give him back his mother? Her protective stroke was what made him sleep at night.
Why had- Why hadn’t Wilbur cried yet? She taught him to be strong, was he strong enough?
Wilbur didn’t cry when her polished casket was buried under wet earth, the headstone decorated with the prettiest flowers.
Wilbur wasn’t strong enough. No, he was breaking each day and he could see the cracks forming.
-
Tommy’s birthday, a month after her mother’s death, was spent in dim lights and quiet songs.
Tommy had shown no interest in turning 11 but who could blame him? Kristen was a bad mother, she was the worst for- for leaving her son who still wanted her- needed her.
She was the worst and Tommy could never forgive her.
Tommy had curled up beside Wilbur and tried to calm himself with the soft humming of his older brother while Techno played the violin.
Techno rarely played the violin, Wilbur was the only one privileged enough to ever witness those isolated bedroom performances.
Mom would have done a lot to hear him play today was all Wilbur could think while he stroked Tommy’s hair distractedly, staring at the fireplace.
Maybe Techno regrets not playing for her more often was another thought that was quickly shoved away.
The birthday boy had fallen asleep in his arms and Wilbur had looked at his little Toms and wondered how could life be so cruel?
-
Grief is the most complex emotion. Wilbur had discovered, that the hurting never dwindled but was instead surrounded by the happier moments by the people you love.
Some days go by like sand in a fist. Too quickly to notice. Yet sometimes it feels as if the universe mocks you, reminds you of the deep anguish stowed away behind kind smiles, coming out in the worst periods possible like the tiny grains of sand still left behind in your hand despite your every effort to dust them off.
They say time can heal wounds but scars still linger.
He remembers the song he sang to her on her birthday, strings of the ultimate lyrical presentation of his love and admiration to her.
“Like a force to be reckoned with
Mighty ocean or a gentle kiss
I will love you with every single thing I have."
Bullshit.
-
“Dad.” A thick British accent echoed throughout the house.
“Dad, c’mon. You haven’t had a proper meal in over two weeks now.” Blue eyes on brown, Phil gave a tired sigh.
“I can’t, Wil. Seriously I cannot stomach anything.” Wilbur looked down, clenching his fist as his feet tapped impatiently on the ground. He knew how this story always went.
Biting the inside of his cheek, he slowly let go of his tight grasp.
“You need to eat y’know? To stay healthy. She won’t approve of this, dad.” Wilbur spoke softly, like talking to a small child and for a moment he thought he was just convincing a young child to finish his food.
Phil flinched at the last part, closing his eyes for a brief second. With a deep inhale he struck Wil right where it hurt like he meant to puncture his heart.
“Wilbur, When you lose someone, I could imagine eating won’t be the top priority.”
Oh.
“Oh.” He sucked in a sharp breath, staring at his father, expecting him to backtrack, to blurb apologies and tell him he didn’t mean it like he always did but this time it never came.
So he unleashed himself instead.
“Phil,”
The name, he knew he had Phil’s attention.
“I think- I think that you have forgotten but I lost a mum too, I understand your pain better than anyone right now. We all have been trying to keep each other up but you seem to keep ignoring our hurt! You don’t even care about us anymore! ForgetTechno and I, you are too blinded to even check on Tommy!" A sob let itself out but Wilbur didn't care if this was his breaking point, he needed him to hear this.
He needed Phil to hear his heart breaking.
“I do-”
“NO! No, let me, let me-” Another sharp inhale, “Let me finish.”
Phil was looking at Wil as if he was a wild animal and to some extent, Wilbur was nothing more than a rabid dog, ready to bite.
“Phil, I think you are being selfish. You can't see anything past your own fucking loss and that is selfish. You keep refusing to eat, and take care of yourself," He paused
"Dad, killing yourself isn't going to bring her back to life."
The last part made Phil flinch. A deep wound seemed to have opened itself in the midst of chaos and battle of emotions.
“Wilbur I am not going to fucking die-” He has said, after a moment.
“You don’t know that,” he said, scoffing, cutting him off. “She didn’t either. None of us do! ”
“I won’t leave you guys, I promise. I will- I will get better, give me some time.” Phil’s hands were shaking and both of them knew his promise was just another rookie assurance.
"Please." A pathetic pleading and oh Wil so desperately wanted to roll his eyes and smash a glass while he was at it but all he did was shake his head as tears had begun welling up in his eyes.
“We are family, Phil. Families care.” It was barely a whisper but Wilbur wanted to shout this out for the entire world to hear.
All that was returned was silence.
No words would fix this hurt, no words would fill this void because sometimes the gap was too big to even contain, it swallowed you instead.
Wilbur finally caught his breath and walked out of the kitchen and grabbed his keys.
Techno appeared right before he could leave and as much as he wanted to just ignore him and keep walking, he gave Techno a look
“Don’t stay out too late, and don’t drive far, you aren’t stable right now Wil, you know it.” was all before the pink-haired twin turned and walked over to their father, doing the damage fixing that somehow always worked after every fight Wilbur caused.
That was right. Wilbur was always the one fighting because he was a dramatic bitch who had a silver tounge plated with fucking knives.
Oh, how he wished he could keep it all in because it would be so much easier for everyone. He would keep everything close and let it pile and then fucking die -
“Wilby?” Tommy tugged at his arm, looking concerned. His blue eyes were too close to his father but every time Wilbur looked at them, he wasn’t met with distance which seemed to be the only emotion Phil could express but was warmed, often amused at the mischievous glint that would always follow after a smirk.
“Can I come with?” and it was that simple, the anger melted away, and his hate for himself was paused as he smiled a teary smile and nodded his head.
Tommy tried his best to return that smile.
-
Tommy and Wilbur had not driven far, Thanks to Techno's advice, the man had cleared his head, reminding himself that Tommy was right there, beside him.
They had instead driven up to a nearby park where Tommy had spent most of his playful childhood with Tubbo; it was always a safe place for Wilbur as well.
They sat at their regular bench near the vending machine and Tommy swung his legs that didn't quite reach the ground.
"You are not going to play?" Wil had inquired but all he received in response was Tommy shuffling a little closer to his big brother, wrapping his tiny hands around Wil's.
After a beat, Tommy explained he wanted to be with Wilbur, and this time Wil didn’t bother holding back the oncoming tears.
"Do you hate dad?" Tommy asked, looking up with sad eyes.
Wilbur's breath hitched, the question was simple and so was the answer. Of course, he loved Phil, he could never hate him, no matter what he did, Phil was his dad, the best dad ever, in fact.
But these ugly emotions that swarmed him weren’t exactly one of love either.
"Tommy, sometimes people do things you don't agree with, they harm themselves and not be the best and- you love dad, don't you?"
Tommy nodded, though he clung onto Wilbur a little tighter. "I do love him but he has been scary these days, it isn't the same as before."
"But you still love him? Despite the change?" Wilbur had looked at Tommy and his confused eyes somehow gave him more clearance.
"I do, he has been the bestest dad in the history of dads and I love him, I just want him to be okay." Tommy's voice had cracked somewhere in the middle and Wilbur in turn gave him a side hug.
"That's right, Toms. Sometimes you love people so much that you can't hate them, even if they do things you don't agree with. You lose your temper and blame them but, we are a family, we'll always have each other's back." A faint smile had taken over Wil's hollow face, maybe he was right, maybe the answers to every problem lay in a parent's touch or a sibling's hug, laying only a conversation away. "So no, I don't hate dad, I just worry about him. Like how mum worried about you."
"If mum was family, why did she leave?" He had been looking at the ground, dangling his legs that were too short to reach the ground yet, the older brother could hear the heartbreak in that young, shrill voice.
Wilbur had a soft look in his eyes, he took a deep breath, “Honestly, I have no idea why. We all still need her a little bit, yeah? She is teaching us a lesson though, you know how mums are.”
Tommy snorted, nodding.
“We’ll gradually learn how to be family again. That’s what her absence will teach us.”
Tommy tangled and untangled his fingers from the hem of his t-shirt, “I hope we learn soon then, I miss you guys.”
Wilbur would be lying if he said he wasn’t on the verge of tears once again. He simply nodded, feeling too fragile to say anything, but a single thought played in his head
I miss you guys too.
They had spent the rest of the time quietly chatting about flowers and bugs and the new games that had come out till it was late. Then Wilbur had driven them home, not before getting Tommy his favorite ice cream to lighten the kid's mood.
They walked through the door and Tommy went to his room while Wilbur found himself knocking at Techno's door.
Another night in this damned house was spent in solitude as the twins had shared their exhaustion in silence. They fell asleep on the same bed, having a single thought occupying their mind, will they ever get better?
-
6 months had gone by and the early days of September's chill were starting to set in.
They had planned to go to the cemetery as a family on the six-month anniversary and show her their gratitude before starting out new work and schooling sessions.
Phil had been much better, those short-tempered arguments were still a reoccurring event in their household but Phil had been better.
He had started working again and kept up with a therapist. Things were still shit, to be honest, but at least he wasn't on the verge of a breakdown each hour of the day.
Techno had stopped playing the violin, he said it reminded him too much for her and while the family wasn't the biggest supporters of this decision, they still wanted Techno to be able to do things he loved on his own time.
Wilbur and Tommy had teamed up to bring back family fun nights and encouraged the members to live the life they were so graciously given, though it didn't work most of the time, it had been better.
It's true, they were all slowly healing but Wilbur still felt shit. He had his moments where he was powerless, unable to control his emotions, and often getting Technoblade's help to ground him but at least he was okay, he was within reach and near his family and he was okay .
They visited the grave and talked about some fond memories, like Techno's adoption or the time Tommy's head got stuck in a chair, or when Wilbur tried to fight off Techno's bullies but had got beaten up instead.
They were remembering the simpler times but this time they were not mourning the missing character in all these anecdotes but smiling at the time that had passed.
Wilbur had stared at the deep engravings on her grave and for the first time in six months, he felt that his family was right there, beside him, present and laughing. They may not be happy but at least they were trying and that was enough.
As they were leaving, the boy gave a crinkled smile towards the simple headstone, covered in wilting flowers under the fresh ones. He felt like a young boy wishing her mother farewell for a long journey ahead.
He knew he had a long way to go, to make his mother proud.
And as he turns away to rejoin his laughing family, he knows he fits perfectly in between these broken people who will grow and become stronger.
They will make each other stronger.
And he knows, he'll get better, someday.