Work Text:
Spinning out, waiting for ya
Bokuto is around six years old when he first feels lonely for the first time.
Playing with friends has always been fun, but when some other kids start calling him weird and insist on not playing with him… Well. Bokuto is only a child. He doesn’t understand what is happening or why he can’t be part of the group anymore. When he’s alone, no one to play with him, he thinks about it, his chest feels tight and his eyes sting – Bokuto cries and hopes for it to go away. Why does it hurt so much?
You’re hurt and lonely , his mother would say. I’m so sorry, my baby .
Bokuto is six when he finds out what loneliness means.
Through the years, Bokuto finds himself feeling lonely in several occasions.
He knows he’s… eccentric and that other people might not be able to keep up with him or his energy. He learns how not to care about that, and he grows stronger like this. Bokuto is stubborn, and although his mind is mean, he tries his best to not let it ruin his day. He succeeds, most of the time – except when it comes to volleyball; then, all bets are off.
Bokuto feels lonely sometimes when he’s home alone, and his mind insists on reminding him why he’s not loved by most people. He feels lonely when they’re practicing and no one wants to practice with him. But mostly, he feels lonely when no one seems to be on the same page as him when it comes to life. Bokuto is lonely, in general.
But, again, he is stubborn. So, he is set on not letting this stop him to get better, to aim higher, to achieve great things.
Then, he meets Akaashi.
Akaashi changes everything.
Maybe that’s an exaggeration. Akaashi doesn’t change everything immediately. He isn’t a revelation in Bokuto’s life (not like he is in Akaashi’s life) and in the beginning, everything is fragile enough that Bokuto isn’t sure if he is even allowed into Akaashi’s life.
But Akaashi is kind of unreadable. He has an even expression, doesn’t say much (except when he needs to not-so-kindly scold Bokuto) and seems to be in his head most of the time. It makes Bokuto want to scream – he wants desperately to understand Akaashi, to get to know him, to see him.
“Say, Akaashi,” Bokuto asks him one day, when they’re resting after practicing together. “You don’t talk much, so I feel like I don’t know you!”
It’s been barely a month since they’ve known each other, and Bokuto feels like Akaashi knows him like the back of his hand. Meanwhile…
“I apologize, Bokuto-san,” Akaashi says, voice calm but – with a hint of nervousness? He looks uncomfortable, caught on the spot. “I have a hard time opening up.”
Bokuto deflects immediately. He hadn’t meant to make Akaashi uncomfortable. “Sorry, Akaashi… I just want to get to know you better.”
“Bokuto-san,” Akaashi starts. “Why don’t you ask me a question per day, and I will try to do my best to answer truthfully?”
Immediately, Bokuto perks up. “Really?!”
“Yes,” Akaashi nods. “I promise to do my best.”
“I promise to do my best, too, Akaashi!”
“Akaashi, how old are you?”
“Bokuto-san, I am one year younger than you…”
“Oh, yeah, that makes sense, hah…”
“Oh! Akaashi!”
“Yes, Bokuto-san?”
“What’s your favorite color?”
“Hm…” A pause. “I think it might be something like golden colored.”
“I have a new question, Akaashi.”
“Alright, Bokuto-san.”
“Do you have siblings?”
“No, I am the only child.”
“Oh.” A pause. “Don’t you get lonely?”
Another pause.
“Sometimes.”
They leave at that.
It gets really hard for Bokuto not to see the longing, the loneliness in Akaashi’s eyes after that.
At first, when he first starts noticing, he thinks it is some sort of mistake. Maybe his head is playing tricks on him because of what Akaashi had said. But then, it keeps happening, and Bokuto sees the signs, the patterns, and somehow he knows that it isn’t a coincidence – Akaashi is lonely, too.
Bokuto has met many, many lonely people, but none of them has made their loneliness break Bokuto’s heart like this, like Akaashi did.
Again, Bokuto is stubborn.
He doesn’t want Akaashi to be lonely.
I can see how lonely you are there
Don’t you know that I’m right here?
After his grand revelation, Bokuto vows himself to spend even more time with Akaashi. Sure, they would practice together and sometimes eat together, but now?
Bokuto finds out they both go on the same direction when going home.
“Akaashi, why don’t we go home together?”
“Sure, Bokuto-san.”
Bokuto finds out where his favorite restaurant is.
“Ah, Akaashi, have you ever eaten here? I’ve heard it’s great! Let’s go in, my treat.”
“I can pay for myself, Bokuto-san.”
(Bokuto ignores Akaashi’s reply completely and drags him inside the restaurant.)
Bokuto finds out which his favorite store is.
“Hey, Akaashi! Let’s go in here!”
“Bokuto-san, I–”
“Don’t wanna hear, come on!”
So, Bokuto gets to know Akaashi better. Bokuto gets to see Akaashi’s lips slightly quirk, he gets to see Akaashi laugh quietly as Bokuto does something stupid, he gets to see Akaashi get a fond look on his face when he talks about an old memory – Bokuto gets to see Akaashi . That old loneliness he used to see on Akaashi’s eyes is slowly fading, and Bokuto prides himself for it.
He can’t say he changed Akaashi’s life, but he’s done something for him.
Besides, through all of this, he got to know Akaashi – a wonderful person hiding underneath an even expression with calmness and quietness.
But getting to see Akaashi slowly turns out to mean getting to fall in love with Akaashi.
It doesn’t come with a grand revelation to Bokuto.
He’s still trying his best to keep loneliness out of Akaashi’s eyes when he realizes that all his hard work is paying off that much anymore – Akaashi is starting to look lonely again.
Bokuto kind of panics. He feels hopeless, not knowing what to do. It’s in that moment he realizes that there isn’t anything he wouldn’t do for Akaashi – ask him to move mountains and he would; ask him to stop eating his favorite food for a year and he would; ask him to stop playing volleyball and he’d cry, then find another way to have both volleyball and Akaashi. It hits him bit by bit, like ice melting into water slowly, then all at once.
He’s in love with Akaashi.
Akaashi is hurting and there is nothing Bokuto can do about it unless Akaashi tells him what’s going on.
It’s around seven months since they have met, and Bokuto has decided he would do his best to support Akaashi in any way he would need.
“Akaashi,” he tries one day. “You know we’re friends, right?”
“Of course, Bokuto-san,” Akaashi replies, curious and confused.
“You can count on me for anything, okay? I’m your friend. You can trust me.”
But Akaashi’s eyes don’t turn hopeful or relieved – they get lonely and sad. Bokuto hates himself in that moment. He doesn’t understand what has happened.
“Thank you, Bokuto-san.”
They leave it at that.
I'm here, right here
Wishing I could be there for ya
For another month, Bokuto just pines and angsts.
He doesn’t know what to do, how to proceed, or how to act. Now that he knows that he’s in love with Akaashi, he’s constantly thinking about him and about doing things with him – going out, hugging, kissing… – and it’s driving him insane. He wants to be around Akaashi and to help him at the same time. Bokuto feels guilty as well, because it feels like he wants to help Akaashi only as an excuse to be with him. He knows in his heart that it isn’t true, but he doesn’t know if Akaashi wouldn’t think of it as that.
Bokuto starts moping after a few days of overthinking this situation. Akaashi notices immediately.
“Bokuto-san,” he approaches him one day right after practicing – one that Bokuto missed most the balls tossed to him. “What’s on your mind today?”
“Doesn’t matter, Akaashi,” he replies, voice sullen and depressed. “It can’t be fixed.”
Akaashi looks around and notices the court slowly getting empty. Everyone had already cleaned and put everything away. “Bokuto-san, today was–”
“I know,” he cut him. “I know, Akaashi.”
Akaashi startles. He had never heard Bokuto’s voice so dark and defeated.
He sighs. “What can’t be fixed, Bokuto-san?”
“It doesn’t matter,” Bokuto turns to walk away, but Akaashi is faster, walking right in front of him.
“It matters, Bokuto-san. If it makes you upset, it matters.”
Bokuto looks at him and then lets out a deep, exaggerated sigh. “Why are you so lonely, Akaashi?”
“Pardon?” Akaashi blurts out, shocked. Bokuto just continues speaking.
“I worked so hard to get to know you, to make you smile! But then you started getting sad again, and your eyes… They show so much loneliness, Akaashi, I hate that! I want to see them shining with happiness.”
“Bokuto-san…” Akaashi mutters, eyes wide. “When did you…?”
“I know loneliness, Akaashi,” he tells him quietly. “You know me. A lot of people don’t like me for who I am. I started thinking a lot about it when you mentioned you were the only child.”
Akaashi is quiet for a moment. Bokuto looks away, feeling ashamed for revealing so much. He feels as if he has done something wrong. “Sorry if I’ve made you uncomfortable.”
“No,” Akaashi speaks, shaking his head. “You haven’t. I’m just surprised.”
“Oh.”
There’s another beat of silence.
“That’s what has been bothering you, Bokuto-san? The fact that I’m…lonely?”
Bokuto nods. “Yeah. But hey! Please, it’s not your fault! I’m just set on seeing you happy! It’s all on me, I promise!”
Akaashi smiles weakly. “Bokuto-san, you are one of the most infuriating people I have ever met.”
“Isn’t that a bad thing?” Bokuto whines and Akaashi laughs quietly.
“You’re also painfully stubborn. It’s so hard to keep up with you, honestly.”
“Akaashi, I thought we were friends!”
“Bokuto-san…” Akaashi says, voice small and quiet. “If I tell you why I have been feeling lonely, you have to promise me nothing will change between us.”
“Akaashi, I–”
“Promise me, Bokuto-san.”
Bokuto gulps. “I promise.”
With a deep breath, Akaashi smiles faintly and then: “Bokuto-san, I am in love with you.”
Bokuto doesn’t react for a second, just stands there with wide eyes and a shocked expression. Akaashi looks down, and his face gets beet red. But Bokuto recovers quite quickly.
“Akaashi!” he exclaims and hugs his tightly. “I’m in love you with you, too!”
“Bokuto-san,” he pushes him away immediately. “You do realize I mean romantically, right?”
Bokuto sighs. “Akaashi, I’m not stupid. I get good grades, remember? I know what be in love means.”
“I’m sorry,” he apologizes. “I’m just. Nervous. Happy. Bokuto-san, do you mean it?”
“More than anything,” he tells him with a wide smile. “Akaashi, it has been driving me insane to think how much I wanted to hold you.”
Akaashi smiles sweetly and it melts Bokuto’s insides immediately. “Now you can, Bokuto-san.”
Bokuto smiles, stepping closer to Akaashi. “I’m going to break our promise, Akaashi.”
“Oh?”
“This will change everything between us.”
Akaashi smiles. Their foreheads touch.
“I will gladly break this promise with you.”
“Then promise me another thing, Akaashi.”
“What?”
“That we’ll never feel lonely again as long as we have each other.”
Two matching smiles.
“I promise.”
They seal it with a kiss.
EXTRA
“I’ve been making you lonely, then?”
“It’s not like you knew, Bokuto-san…”
“But it was me.”
“Bokuto-san…” A sigh.
“I feel guilty!”
“It’s not your fault. It was on me.”
“It wasn’t…”
“I was the one hiding my feelings, Bokuto-san.”
A pause. “Still.”
“Please, let’s not.”
Another pause. “Akaashi.”
“Hmm?”
A tender kiss. Two eyes meet. Soft smiles exchanged.
“I love you.”
Blushing cheeks.
“I love you, too, Bokuto-san.”