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When Hyunjin returns to the dorms after practice, his nose is filled with the most appetizing thing he’s ever smelled as soon as he opens the door. Chan must have tried out a new recipe again. He does that sometimes when he’s stressed and low on sleep. It’s truly a shame that Hyunjin can’t eat whatever it is most of the time.
He puts down his bag by the door, knowing he will be yelled at for it later. He can hear Minho’s voice in the back of his head, ‘it can’t be that hard to take it into you room’. But sometimes it is that hard. He’s exhausted from dancing for hours, and he doesn’t feel good, and he isn’t planning on stopping by his room on the way to the couch, so he leaves it by the door.
Aiming for the couch, he walks straight to the living room as soon as his shoes are thrown off somewhere, something Minho will also yell at him for. It’s only when he’s lying on the couch that he notices how quiet the dorm is. There are no one yelling at the TV, or laughing through the walls, or having loud discussions across the room. There’s just silence and the occasional clink of plates and pots in the kitchen.
Hyunjin wasn’t planning on coming home for another couple of hours, but he started feeling a flare up coming on and dropped everything he had planned to make sure he is home when that happens. Most of the others must still be out, causing the dorms to be silent. It’s exactly what Hyunjin needs as he settles deeper into the couch, letting his mind drift and pretends not to feel the storm brewing up in his body.
He didn’t expect to fall asleep, but suddenly, he’s woken up by someone shaking his shoulder. Opening only one of his eyes, he sees Felix crouched down in front of him.
“Are you feeling alright?” Felix asks, looking at Hyunjin with a concerned frown. He didn’t expect to find Hyunjin sleeping on the couch around the time he should get home and wonders how long he’s been there.
“Yeah, just didn’t sleep that well last night, sorry.” Hyunjin says, the excuse slipping off his tongue too easily. He sits up too fast, having to swallow thickly as the taste of bile hits the back of his throat.
“Are you sure?” Felix asks, pressing the back of his hand against Hyunjin’s forehead. Hyunjin swats it away with an easy smile. The clock on the radio under the TV tells him he’s been asleep for a couple of hours.
“Yes. I just got tired and decided to listen to my body. You should be proud.” Hyunjin says, and Felix breaks out into a wide grin. He’s been trying for months to get Hyunjin to take breaks when he needs them, to convince him that he doesn’t have to make up for the time he loses when his Gastroparesis acts up for a few days.
Being a foodie with a paralyzed stomach calls for some interesting challenges. There are so many things he can’t eat because he literally won’t digest it. It will just sit in his stomach until he throws it up. Sometimes that happens with food he can eat too, and what food he can eat changes often. It’s like living a continuous mystery where the only reward is hopefully being able to get enough nutrition.
But Hyunjin is lucky, he has a mild case. Most of the time, a modified diet keeps his symptoms mostly under control. He knows there are people who are fully tube fed and throw up everything in their stomach including their feeding tube. He can eat orally although it’s restricted, and he’s thankfully only had a tube a few times. It was back before he figured out his diet plan and his weight dropped too low because he couldn’t keep anything down.
“I have a surprise.” Felix says excitedly, bringing Hyunjin’s attention back to the present. He takes Hyunjin’s hands in his own and stands up, Hyunjin following his movement and pushing himself off of the couch.
“What?” He asks through a wide smile, he loves surprises. Felix leads him to the kitchen with a hand at his lower back. When Hyunjin sees what the surprise is, he gasps, covering his mouth with a hand. The table is set for two, beautifully decorated with flowers and candles. The amazing smell that hit him when he entered the dorm came from the meal Felix has cooked, and it looks absolutely amazing where it sits on their plates.
“Oh my god, Lixie.” Hyunjin says through the lump in his throat, turning to look him in the eyes.
“I talked to the others, and they won’t be home until tonight.” Felix says with a shy smile. It’s rare that they all stay out after work. Felix must’ve told them of his plans and made them figure out somewhere else to go for the evening so he can be alone with Hyunjin for a while. It’s possibly the sweetest thing he’s ever done.
“I love you.” Is all Hyunjin can say, leaning in to kiss Felix, hoping to portray how thankful he is without having to stumble through finding something to say. When they break apart, Hyunjin just looks at him, wondering how someone who came into his life when he was already a teenager can feel so much like home.
“Let’s eat before the food gets cold, yeah? I spent too long making it to miss out.” Felix says, leading Hyunjin to the table and pulling out his chair for him like a true gentleman. Hyunjin doesn’t have the heart to tell Felix he feels off, and damn it, he just wants a normal date night, is that too much to ask?
“What are we having?” Hyunjin asks, rubbing his hands together as he looks down at the food in front of him.
“I wouldn’t even know how to try to pronounce it. It’s chicken, that I know.” Felix says. “And it’s Hyunjin safe, obviously.” He adds and Hyunjin swears he completely melts, sliding off his chair and landing in a puddle on the floor.
“Well, it looks and smells absolutely amazing.” He says, his cheeks hurting from smiling so much. And even though he feels far from amazing, heartburn and stomachache distracting him from fully being in the moment, he just wants to eat this amazing food.
“Dig in.” Felix says, urging him on with a wave of the hand, and who is Hyunjin to refuse? Even if none of this gets digested, it will be worth it. In certain situations, or on certain occasions, he decides to ignore the rules, knowing it will be worth the sickness that follows.
They eat in a comfortable silence, making small talk about their day here and there. There’s no pressure to fill the silence, say something deep or interesting or entertain the other. They’re just comfortable in each other’s presence, whatever that looks like.
Hyunjin is halfway though his plate when his stomach tells him to stop. It’s hard to stop eating, it still tastes so incredible, but he feels like his stomach is a water balloon, filled to its limit. After years of this he’s gotten good at pretending to eat so no one will notice that none of the food actually passes his lips. It’s just a buzzkill when he has to say he can’t eat, or he’ll throw up. The group is used to it by now, never batting an eye when his stomach acts up, but Hyunjin hates not feeling normal in those situations.
“This is seriously so good, I don’t even care what’s in it.” Hyunjin says, piling food onto his fork and waving it around his face. Felix blushes at the compliment, and obviously Hyunjin has to point that out. “Oh my god, you’re blushing.” He says dramatically, looking at Felix in fake shock.
“No, I’m not.” Felix says, picking up his napkin to wipe at a non-existent smudge of sauce on his lip in order to cover his face.
“Yes, you are.” Hyunjin says, seeing the blush grow darker at his words. This is honestly one of his favorite parts of Felix, how easily he blushes at Hyunjin’s words. It’s a Hyunjin-specific thing, no one else can get to him like this.
“Am not.” Felix says stubbornly and now he’s done it.
“Am too.” Hyunjin smirks, not even trying to stop himself from arguing like a child.
“Am not.” Felix says a little louder, but his smile matches Hyunjin’s.
“How old are we?” Hyunjin chuckles, shaking his head at the conversation they’re having.
“Like… four?” Felix pretends to think about it, like it’s some complicated information buried deep in his brain.
“I don’t think that’s for another month.” Hyunjin says, earning a small laugh from Felix.
“Right, my bad.” Felix throws his hands up as if in defeat and Hyunjin bursts out laughing. His stomach doesn’t like him laughing, it rarely does. That’s why his laughter never lasts long, it comes in short bursts before his body can catch up to what’s happening and stop it. He’s relieved when he sees Felix set his fork down to the plate and lean back in his chair.
“Thank you for dinner.” Hyunjin says, meaning every word of it even though only half of his plate was eaten. He was right though; this will be worth it.
“There’s dessert.” Felix says, looking at Hyunjin through his eyelashes like he’s scared of Hyunjin saying something to make him blush again. Hyunjin falters for a moment. He can’t eat anything else right now. It’s simply not possible to put anything else in his stomach.
“You mean that I should’ve saved space for dessert? Why didn’t you tell me?” Hyunjin pouts in what he hopes is a believable way.
“Don’t worry, we can start watching a movie first. The dessert can wait for us.” Felix says, either believing Hyunjin or knowing him well enough to have planned to do it that way anyway. “You can go pick a movie; I’ll clear the table.”
“I’ll help.” Hyunjin says automatically although he wants nothing more than to curl up on the couch and find a comforting movie.
“You’re not allowed to. This is my night to pamper you. So, pick a movie you want to watch, I’ll like it as long as you enjoy yourself.” Felix says sweetly while picking up their plates and bringing them to the kitchen counter.
Hyunjin easily agrees, going to the living room and lying down in the couch. He grabs a pillow to hug before starting to scroll through Netflix. Pressing the pillow against his abdomen helps a little with the discomfort there. For now, his stomach just hurts, cramping painfully under the pillow, the acid reflux that follows is so familiar he barely notices it as something separate from the stomachache.
Choosing a movie is easy. His favorite is I’m Not Here with J. K. Simmons and Sebastian Stan. He is a huge fan of Sebastian, having followed his career for years. Ever since this one was released; it’s been his go-to when he isn’t feeling well. There’s just something about the way Sebastian portrays the deep emotions that is comforting even though it’s an incredibly sad movie that always makes him cry at the end.
When Felix joins him, a look flashes his face like ‘this again’, but then he smiles at Hyunjin, settling down beside him on the couch and opening his arms for Hyunjin to cuddle into his side. Hyunjin is aware of how sick of this movie Felix is, but he said to pick whatever he wanted, and this is what Hyunjin needs.
They don’t have many afternoons like this. Calm, peaceful and with no obligations or interruptions. If they’re not wrapped up in work, they’re wrapped up in life. Always doing the next thing, running the next errand, perfecting the performance that is already perfect and planning things far into the future.
Tonight, they can just relax, taking time to be with each other and not think of anything else. Dance practice can wait, the songs can be recorded later, important conversations don’t have to happen right now, and the grocery shopping and prescription pickup can be done at a later date. There’s no rush to do anything, nothing gnawing at the pit of their stomach because they should’ve done it but chose not to.
Somehow, Felix ends up on top of Hyunjin on the couch. He has his whole body cuddled into Hyunjin, their skin touching in every place possible. The afternoon sun casts a warm light over them from the window. And the movie plays softly on the TV. They’re at the part where the character Steve holds his child for the first time in the hospital and feels, what Hyunjin assumes is complete emptiness. That scene always hits him hard. He knows that feeling so well, being kept from enjoying what should be joyful moments in life because his health sucks at being healthy.
Felix’s fingers trace patterns on the exposed skin of Hyunjin’s neck, his fingers warm, touch light. Neither one has spoken for the past half hour, too wrapped up in this moment shared between them. At least until Hyunjin starts sniffling, eyes glued to the screen.
“Are you crying?” Felix whispers, afraid of breaking the comfortable silence. He sits up a little so he can lean over Hyunjin’s chest to get a better look at his face. Hyunjin doesn’t understand why he’s so surprised, this part of the movie always makes him cry.
Rather than denying it, Hyunjin just sniffles again. “Yeah.” He says, barely audible above the TV. Felix lies back down over Hyunjin’s side, hugging him closer. He cups Hyunjin’s cheek with the arm splayed over his chest, wordlessly wiping away his tears as they fall.
They stay that way until the movie is over, Hyunjin crying harder as the credits roll across the screen. He can’t help it; the ending is just so sad. But that’s why he watches it, it’s a safe space to let out his pent-up emotion without having to talk about them.
“Want to watch it again?” Felix offers, but Hyunjin shakes his head.
“No, are you crazy? It’s way too sad.” He says, voice strained with tears. Felix chuckles, lifting his head to look at Hyunjin. Hyunjin tilts his head to look back at Felix, taking a deep breath to pull himself together.
“We need dessert, right?” Felix asks, looking at Hyunjin like he expects him to jump off the couch. He normally would, his sweet tooth is quite impressive, but not today. Something shifts in the air between them with Felix’s words. Hyunjin’s arms wrap around him, holding him even closer. He doesn’t want them to move, least of all to go eat something.
“I know, I want to stay here forever too.” Felix stretches out his legs as best as he can in their position, trying to bring energy back into his body. Laying in the same position for an hour and a half like this makes him stiffen up so badly he feels much older than he is. Hyunjin clings harder to him, trying to stop Felix from attempting to get up.
He knows that if Felix gets off the couch, the game is over. He will have to eat dessert or admit how much his stomach hurts. It’s still just pain, but he knows from experience how quickly the nausea can come on. He needs to tell Felix how he feels, there’s only one way this evening will end and that is bent over the toilet. But it can wait a little while longer, he still has time.
“Let’s stay a little longer.” Hyunjin says, much preferring to stay here and make out like teenagers than getting up, and that’s what he tries to get across through his words. Felix’s eyebrows raise in surprise, Hyunjin isn’t one to take initiative, not verbally. He will push up against Felix, kiss him, anything to show him what he wants; he won’t ask for it.
Hyunjin takes a hold of the collar of Felix’s shirt, pulling him down to capture Felix’s mouth in his own and Felix kisses him back with enough force to leave them both breathless. All of Hyunjin’s worries melt away as he gets lost in Felix’s touch. His strong hands hold Hyunjin in place and Hyunjin couldn’t be happier.
Even when Felix’s hands start fumbling with Hyunjin’s shirt, trying to pull it up, Hyunjin can’t detach himself from Felix’s lips. He tries to maneuver himself into a position where Felix can pull off his shirt without having to get off the couch, but it’s clumsy and his shirt gets stuck at his armpits.
Warm hands touch Hyunjin’s bare skin and he sees white, his whole body clenching as Felix moves to kiss down Hyunjin’s neck. Hyunjin shivers as sudden nausea overwhelms him when his stomach clenches in pleasure, immediately killing the mood. Felix takes the shiver as a good sign, completely misreading the signals and moving back up to Hyunjin’s mouth while he starts fumbling with Hyunjin’s belt. Hyunjin hums against Felix’s mouth, the nausea building. He can’t just push it down and go on like he wants to, it’s too intense and he needs air.
Felix tries to move into the position Hyunjin wants, but Hyunjin seems to be pulling him in multiple directions at once. One of his arms is clawing, almost desperately at Felix’s back, the other hand pushing at Felix’s chest. It’s clumsy, filled with need as he whines and twists away from Felix’s mouth.
With a start, Felix realizes what Hyunjin is trying to communicate. Get off. Felix tries to hide the hurt and confusion that flashes across his face. Did he misinterpret Hyunjin’s signs earlier? Did he not want this?
Hyunjin’s movements grow rougher, both of his arms now pushing at Felix’s chest. In one fluid motion, Felix is off of Hyunjin and Hyunjin sits up, swinging his legs over the side of the couch. He hunches his back, and leans his forehead on his cool palm, his eyes closed in a frown.
“What-?” Confused, Felix tries to piece together what he did wrong, what made Hyunjin uncomfortable. Guilt tugs at him, making him feel horrible for not stopping sooner.
“I just got really nauseous all of a sudden.” Hyunjin offers in explanation. He breaths slowly through his nose, not looking at Felix as he talks. Every muscle in his body looks tensed up and he shivers violently.
“Did you panic?” Felix scrambles for a reason, a way to help Hyunjin. All earlier worries are gone, they don’t matter anymore, helping Hyunjin is all he’s thinking about. He knows Hyunjin has had some issues with anxiety in intimate moments in the past, but he thought they got past that a long time ago.
“I don’t- I- I think-” Hyunjin’s voice is weak as he struggles with his words, as if the mere act of talking takes too much effort. Hyunjin’s shirt is still pulled up to his armpits, so Felix pulls it down for him, straightening it out as if he can erase what they were just doing to make Hyunjin feel more comfortable.
“Take your time.” Felix encourages patiently. Whatever happened, Hyunjin will find a way to communicate it once he’s ready.
“I-” Hyunjin swallows thickly, looking paler every moment. “I’m gonna-” In a moment, Hyunjin is up and running. Felix sits back, baffled for a moment, this hasn’t happened in so long, he’s almost forgotten how to handle Hyunjin’s anxiety in these situations. Then he hears Hyunjin heaving and something splashing into the toilet and the puzzle pieces suddenly fit together.
This isn’t about his anxiety at all, it’s a flare up. That’s why he came home early from work, only ate half his dinner, avoided dessert and is now throwing up mere moments after making out with Felix. He probably felt horrible when he came home but hid it to give Felix the evening he had planned out.
Felix snaps out of his head and moves into action, going to the kitchen to grab a few things. He winches when he hears Hyunjin retch loudly, followed by a sick moan and more liquid splashing. He doesn’t know whether Hyunjin needs space or wants him there, so he busies himself with getting Gatorade and wetting a kitchen towel. Just in case, he also puts a bowl by the couch.
Hyunjin swears under his breath, only to be cut off by another gag and more half-digested food, and Felix’s heart hurts for him. He usually wants to be alone while he’s actively throwing up, finding it too overwhelming to have anyone else in the room even if it is with the intentions to comfort and help him through it.
Looking around the room, Felix looks for anything else he can do for Hyunjin. He has something to rehydrate him and soothe his throat, a cold cloth, and a bowl, what else could he need? Medications. They usually don’t stay down long enough to help, but Hyunjin insists on trying anyway. Felix is on his way to get them when he realizes they are in the bathroom with Hyunjin. He can’t get them without disturbing Hyunjin.
Moving slowly in the direction of the bathroom, he sees that the door isn’t closed, so Felix can see his back heaving as he brings up more food. It could be because Hyunjin didn’t have time to close it, or he left it open on purpose so Felix could join him.
When Hyunjin heaves this time, no splashing follows, so Felix tells himself to man up and join his boyfriend in the bathroom. He walks heavily into the room, making sure Hyunjin can hear him coming, and softly knocks on the open door.
“Hey Hyun-ie, uhm…” He says unsurely, taking in the sight of Hyunjin hunched over the toilet. He’s panting, occasionally hiccupping, and swallowing back gags. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah, I’m fine.” Hyunjin insists even as he swallows thickly and sits back on his heels, flushing the toilet before allowing himself to sit back against the wall.
“No, you’re not. Why didn’t you tell me you felt like this?” Felix asks, immediately regretting his words when Hyunjin side-eyes him before looking back down at the tiles. Felix knows why he didn’t say anything. He thought he could hold off long enough to enjoy a normal evening because Hwang Hyunjin has the willpower of steel and if he doesn’t want to throw up then he ‘isn’t going to, goddamn it’.
“Right, sorry.” Felix apologizes, still standing in the doorway. Hyunjin hasn’t invited him into his personal space, so Felix stays out of it.
“It’s fine.” Hyunjin whispers, eyes flicker between Felix and the toilet like he’s ready for another round. Felix should be the one reassuring Hyunjin, not the other way around, but that’s just who Hyunjin is.
“I’ll be in the living room.” Felix says, taking the hint. He leaves the door half open like before, only realizing he didn’t get the meds when Hyunjin has already started retching again. The poor guy is just bringing up bile at this point. Felix can tell by the dry heaves and small splashes.
Hyunjin is just flaring up, nothing to worry about, Felix tells himself. Hyunjin has had this condition since before they met, he hasn’t gotten much better, but he also hasn’t gotten worse, so Felix has nothing to be scared of.
Felix sits restlessly on the couch, listening to Hyunjin for a while. He wants to help Hyunjin, to hold his hair back and rub his back and press a cool cloth against his neck, but there’s nothing he can do for him as long as he wants to be alone. Respecting his boundaries is the best way to help.
It’s only when the noises stop, and the dorm goes too quiet for comfort that Felix gets up to check on Hyunjin. He finds him sprawled out on the bathroom floor, pressing his cheek against the cold tile floor. Felix can’t help but notice how cute he looks like this, even with vomit in his hair and the veins in his forehead still popped out from the strain.
Wetting two washcloths, he plops himself down beside Hyunjin, pressing one into his neck and using the other to clean the ends of the hair falling over his face. Hyunjin probably made an effort to keep it out of his face at first but gave up when he got too tired to hold his arm above his head.
“Let’s get that shirt off, huh?” Felix says gently. With Felix’s help, Hyunjin pushes himself up so he’s sitting against the bathtub, letting Felix pull off his shirt. They both pretend not to see the puke stains on it.
“Thought I was fine.” Hyunjin says. His voice is strained, like he’s trying to make it sound steadier. He struggles with showing vulnerability and to him, being sick is the most vulnerable you can be. Even with Felix, it’s hard to let his guard all the way down.
“You seemed fine until you weren’t.” Felix says unhelpfully. Hyunjin just throws him a look that says what he can’t form into words, somewhere along the lines of shut the fuck up.
“How are you feeling?” Felix tries to be more helpful. The question doesn’t feel much better, but Felix isn’t perfect, he doesn’t always know the right thing to say.
“How do you think?” Hyunjin huffs, deflecting the question. He wraps his arms around his stomach and squints slightly at the lights. His top lip is shiny with sweat, and there’s a tremble in his hands. Maybe staying here is a better idea than attempting to take him back to the couch, he still looks awfully pale and nauseous.
“I think your stomach hurts, and your head is killing you, and you don’t know how long it’s going to last and it’s all making you feel out of control.” Felix says honestly, immediately worrying that he’s gone too far.
A fond smile appears on Hyunjin’s face. “Why ask if you know the answer?”
“Because I care about you.” Felix states as if it’s the most natural thing in the world. Hyunjin is the one who blushes this time, averting his eyes. It’s so hard for Felix to not point it out and have a repeat of the mock argument they had over dinner, but he manages to restrain himself.
“I’ll be right back, okay?” He asks, receiving a small nod from Hyunjin. Felix practically runs through the apartment, picking up the Gatorade from the living room and pillows and blankets from their bed before going back to the bathroom. He builds up a pretty impressive make-shift bed on the bathroom floor and settles back down with Hyunjin, letting him cuddle up against his side and hide his face in Felix’s neck.
And if the guys come home a few hours later to find the both of them asleep in a pile of pillows and blankets on the bathroom floor, no one needs to mention it.