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The nights Alexander spent at the Institute had become rare. Alexander had been sharing Magnus's loft, their loft, for almost a year now, and while he went to that old cathedral every day, it hadn't been his home for a long time. It never really had been. Yet, on rare occasions, the young man was still forced to return to his old room after a night of patrolling that was a little harder than the others.
Tonight was one of those nights.
The battle had been tough, and a two-hour cycle had quickly become five hours without them being able to do anything about it. Isabelle had sprained her ankle, Jace was covered in bruises, and Alexander himself was feeling a bit under the weather. It was superficial, painful but superficial, and Alexander hadn't had the courage to make the trip to their flat. So he had followed his siblings, and after warning Magnus so that he wouldn't worry, he had collapsed on his bed.
The room was bare, impersonal, there was not much of Alec's personal belongings left in the place. His wardrobe still held a few spare clothes, a few books still sat on his shelf, but the few photos he had, his valuables, all of that was now at Magnus' house, theirs.
Staring at the ceiling, arms folded at the back of his head, supporting his skull, Alexander let out a sigh. He was exhausted. His muscles ached, he was covered in blood and ichor, his mother would undoubtedly murder him in the morning when she discovered the state of the sheets, but he didn't care because he felt at peace.
Just because he didn't live here anymore, just because this room was now more like a guest room, didn't mean he didn't feel good. On the contrary, Alexander cherished those rare nights at the Institute because it always meant that he would spend some time with Jace. Sure, he and his parabatai saw each other every day, but it was only for work, and he missed the blond. Alexander did not regret his decision to move in with Magnus, his life had never seemed so simple, so... Free. But he still felt the need to be close to the one who carried a part of his soul.
It was an indescribable bond, one that someone without parabatai could not understand. Isabelle herself, though a nephilim, could not imagine a quarter of what he and Jace meant to each other. Alexander had long mistaken these feelings for love. And in a way, they were, but since meeting Magnus, Alec had realized that what he felt for Jace was... Something that didn't really have a word.
Jace was a private person, reserved about what he felt most of the time. But with Alec, he'd never needed to be, and Alexander understood that feeling. He himself had never been afraid to confide anything to him (putting aside that teenage phase when he'd thought he felt desire for him), and that was a level of intimacy he would probably never reach with Magnus. Not because he didn't trust him, not because he didn't fully belong to him (he did), but because with the warlock, there was always that fear of disappointing him, of hurting him, or of not measuring up. With Jace? That never happened, never. And he knew for a fact that his brother felt the same way about him.
Alexander knew that his nights at the Institute, no matter how tired he was, he often spent little time actually sleeping.
After an uncertain time, Alec finally found the courage to leave the mattress and take a shower. The hot water felt great, and he watched for a long time as the disgusting residue disappeared into the shower tray and with it all traces of exhaustion. He still felt tense, but he felt almost up for a second hunt. He regretted the unscented soap, however, missing the scent of sandalwood.
He dressed in the first clothes he found without really worrying about his look, they all looked the same anyway. A pair of worn-out jogging bottoms and a slightly too big t-shirt as dark as his hair. Alexander had never really taken care of his appearance, although since he'd been in Magnus' hands, he'd made an effort. Well, the warlock had forced him to make some, not that it made much difference.
With his hands in his pockets, he left his room in silence. With his eyes closed, he would have known how to get to Jace's room, but this time he simply let himself be guided by the few piano notes that clearly echoed in the stone building. It was a good thing the runes of silence existed, his brother had always had the tendency to start playing at odd hours. And Alexander loved it.
He didn't even bother to knock, what was the point? Jace probably knew that he would walk through the door the moment Alexander had decreed that he would spend the night here. They didn't exchange a word, didn't look at each other, Jace continued to play a soft melody while Alec came and sat on the window sill, a book in his hand. There wasn't much to say, they didn't need words, just each other's presence. Alexander lost himself in his reading, lulled by the melodious notes that followed one another in a slow, comforting rhythm.
And then, suddenly, Jace stopped playing and Alexander paused in his reading, surprised by such an abrupt stop.
''Alec, can I ask you something?''
''Yeah, sure.''
Alexander closed his novel. He couldn't even remember what it was about. Putting the book down on the windowsill, he then pulled his long legs up to his waist, crouching in the corner of the wall. Jace seemed almost uncertain in his words, and that was strange. Alec saw him moisten his lips, his fingers going back and forth over the piano keys without ever pressing them. He was struggling.
''How did you know you loved Magnus?
There was a stunned silence. Of all the questions Alexander had thought Jace would want to ask him, he had never thought of this one. Magnus remained something of a taboo between them, as did Clary. It wasn't that they didn't talk about it, that they hid it from each other, but in all honesty, they weren't comfortable with each other's relationship lives. Alexander wasn't against talking about his boyfriend, he already did it all the time, but he knew for a fact that Jace didn't particularly want to hear it. He was happy for him, of course, just as Alec was happy that things with Clary had worked out, but that was where it ended.
''What do you mean by that?''
Jace was avoiding his gaze. Alexander could see him biting the inside of his cheeks from the way his jaw was twitching, but no sense of discomfort could be felt through their shared rune. He couldn't figure it out.
''Well... How did you know it was Magnus, and not someone else ?''
''Oh, so you want to replay the scene at the Penhallow's, 'Kiss me and see'? I thought we were past that, Jace.''
Alexander joked with a small smile at the corners of his lips. Jace looked at him, unimpressed before throwing the first object he could get his hands on, deliberately missing its target. The extinguished candlestick simply shattered on the floor, inches away from Alec.
It was a memory they both preferred to forget most of the time. Alexander had been mortified to learn that Jace knew how he felt about him, caught every look he gave him, but perhaps the most traumatic for both of them had been the mental image that had come to them during that discussion. Imagining himself kissing his parabatai. Very little for him. It still made them nauseous. Nevertheless, Alexander couldn't help but laugh at it, simply shaking his head as if to lighten the mood.
''Well...''
Alexander brought one of his knees up under his chin and leaned against it as for the first time since he and Magnus had been coupled up, he began to think about the question.
The man was handsome, there was no denying it, and Alexander still bore the marks of his hands on his body. Nevertheless, he dismissed this first hypothesis. If Magnus was a true Greek god, he was also so much more than that.
There was the way his first name sounded in his boyfriend's mouth, the way his tight-fitting lips flowed with library accents, that accent he still discerned from time to time despite his impeccable English (Alexander knew Magnus spoke countless languages, but it was always adorable to hear him get angry at a customer. At such times his Indonesian accent came out and Alec would be lying if he denied that he sometimes left his weapons lying around the house just to hear him get annoyed).
Alexander could probably talk about how he touched him, how the mere touch of his fingertips on his skin had the ability to make him lose his mind, how his lips on his neck could drive him crazy. But he was sure that wasn't the kind of detail Jace wanted to hear.
And then there were the smaller things too. The vision of Magnus, sitting at his vanity, applying his eyeliner. The quiet evenings when the warlock was preparing a client's potion, a crease crossing his eyebrows from concentration. The way he would come and play with his earring when he was nervous, or the simple little sigh of pleasure he would give every morning after his first sip of tea.
Nevertheless, it was none of these things. It was part of it, yes, but deep down, it was deeper. Alexander felt himself smile, his gaze lost in a blur as in his mind the image of Maguns imprinted again.
''Because he gave me confidence. Before he came into my life and, no offense Jay' but, I wasn't really myself, constantly in your shadow. It wasn't your fault, and I never blamed you. But still, it was Magnus who got me out. I stood up to our parents, to the Clave, to our laws. I risked losing my runes for him, I know. And yet I don't regret it for a second. Look where it got us.''
Alexander made a small gesture with his hand, as if that were enough to explain more than any words he could use. So much had changed in the last year, and he wasn't just talking about his personal development, but everything else. The Clave had come a long way. In the not so distant past, he would not have missed losing his runes, he would have lost them already. And although the young man was well aware of the risks involved in their relationship. It wasn't as bad as it could have been: there was progress.
He cocked his head to the side, and watched his brother for a moment.
''Why do you ask?''
''Because since you've been with Magnus, I feel lighter. And I know it's you, what you're feeling I mean. Before you met him, I always thought it was normal, but now I understand that you were just. Not happy. And I'm sorry for that.''
''Jace. It wasn't your fault.''
There was a long moment of silence, but even so, Alexander could make out the small smirk on Jace's face. Faced with the comfort that had once again settled in, Alexander considered the subject closed, and he plunged back into his reading. The blond man, on the other hand, began typing absentmindedly on the piano again, before stopping once more.
''Hey Alec.''
''Hm?''
''Remind me to buy the man a drink.''
''Yeah, sure.''
And Alexander snorted, amused.