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Mizuki still remembers the first time Ena had DMed them.
It wasn’t much long after the four members of Niigo got into a bit of a synchronized schedule. When they started to work together.
Ena and them had talked, of course, but only when they were in call with the other two. They hadn’t really talked one on one with her before. Back then, they were mostly just friends who teased each other (or rather, they teased her and she just yelled at them).
Which is why it was odd that they received a DM from her in the middle of the night. It was quite late- 3:30 in fact. Long enough after Niigo’s nightly work call that everyone else had gone to sleep.
Or at least they thought everyone had gone to sleep.
They opened up the little red notification, reading the DM that had started a new private convo between them and her.
Enanan
can i get your input on something
That kind of surprised them. They and Ena were friends, sure, but not the kind where you’d go asking them for advice in the middle of the night. They all usually did that kind of stuff in the Niigo server.
Amia
oh? to what do i owe the pleasure
Enanan
:| dont be annoying about this
i just need your feedback on this piece im working on
Amia
aw, and you decided to ask me?? im flattered
Enanan
i said dont be annoying about this
no one else is awake so i figured id ask you
A quick check in the Niigo server members list told them that she was right. It was just them. Clicking back into their DM convo with her, they noticed the little jumping dots indicating she was typing.
Enanan
and i know you kind of have an eye for this sort of stuff
They weren’t really sure what she meant by that. Maybe that they were the most visual art oriented one of the group besides her? They weren’t an artist in any way- at least not in the same way she was. They opted to just keep teasing her in response.
Amia
so you finally recognize my immaculate taste. rejoice!
Enanan
oh my fucking god
i am heavily reconsidering this
i just meant cause like .. you’re good at fashion and that kind of stuff. and you do a lot of stuff with fabrics and sewing right?
Fabrics? They definitely knew a bit about those. Making clothes was a hobby they’d picked up in middle school- they’d always loved fashion. None of their peers really .. understood it, to say the very least, but it made them happy. It made them feel productive while engaging in something they loved to do.
It was a lot like how they felt about Niigo, now that they had joined it.
Amia
ooh, trying your hand at sewing? you should do it on call sometime
itd be funny to hear you yell when you accidentally prick your finger
Enanan
you are such a DICK
oh my god. anyways
i was working on a piece and i was trying some of that.. meshy soft fabric that you see on dresses. and i wanted to ask you if i was doing it right
Soft meshy fabric? Was she talking about..
Ena sent them a photo of what they were working on. It was a very interesting looking piece so far. Clearly a work in progress- many areas of the background weren’t blended yet, but it was still very striking. It looked to be a design studio, with flashes of color that made the center focus pop. The center figure seemed to be a mannequin modeling a blue dress, one that looked to be lined with…
Amia
tulle.
you’re talking about tulle, right?
Enanan
you’re the expert. not me
It did seem to be tulle. Was that what she wanted feedback on? It seemed pretty good to them. She seemed to nail the way the background showed through the mesh, though slightly washed out by the blue color of the tulle. The light passing through seemed to be accurate as well.
Enanan
i want to know if the flow of it looks correct. i don’t really know how this material works so i don’t know if this is how it would function in real life
The flow, huh. They inspected it a bit closer. She was right- it seemed to flow a bit too smooth for it to be like real tulle. It seemed to behave more like silk than tulle.
Amia
tulle is usually pretty stiff and made of stuff like polyester. you might want to try making it seem more ..
boxier i guess
Enanan
boxier, hmm…
makes sense. thanks for the input
never really dealt with the stuff myself. wore it once on this tutu my mom made me wear when i was a kid.
fucking. itchy. idk why people like the stuff
Mizuki giggled to themself imagining her in their head. They wondered what little baby Ena would look like. Unlike the rest of the group, Ena had actually shared her personal Instagram with them, on which she had a lot of selfies of herself, so they knew what she looked like. Mizuki had scrolled through her account a bit ago. She was pretty. She was really pretty. It was nice to see that she wasn’t some creepy old man using a voice changer or something like that.
Amia
well, tulle is usually used for stuff like gowns and veils and stuff
it’s really lightweight, so you can attach a lot of layers of it and it won’t be too heavy
and it looks really elegant if you do it right
Mizuki stopped midway through frantically typing their next message when they realized they were just dumping random facts about fabric that Ena probably didn’t care about. Oops.
Enanan
you know a lot about this stuff, don’t you?
Amia
yeah.. sorry
didn’t mean to ramble
Enanan
no, it’s fine
i like hearing you talk about stuff you like
Mizuki’s eyes widened a bit at that. That was new. No one really ever took an interest in their hobbies, save for An and Rui. Most people told them they shouldn’t even be into that sort of stuff. They didn’t really talk about it with other people either. It just felt natural to tell Ena. Surely, she must understand, right? Misunderstood artist type.
Mizuki smiled slightly. They hadn’t really expected to have this conversation with her tonight. But it felt so .. natural.. talking with her. Ena was nice to talk to.
And so they continued to talk with her, more and more.
They’d often have similar DM conversations like that late at night, after Kanade and Mafuyu had gone to sleep. There was something innately comforting about just being alone with someone- even online. The quiet humming of the heater and the sleepiness that tugged at their eyes made them feel more receptive to sharing pieces of knowledge about themself with her. That and the fact that talking with Ena just felt right .
They’d often occupy themselves at school the next day by rereading some of their conversations. Not actually talking with Ena, because Ena crashed late at night and woke up at 2 pm usually. When they were dead tired from a lack of a good night’s sleep and bored in class, a quick sneak on their phone to reread some of their old conversations usually helped them get through those dragging mornings.
They revisited that first conversation a lot. It was nice seeing how their relationship had started. How it had changed.
Maybe they’d be rereading it now, if opening their Nightcord DMs with her didn’t make them feel sick.
They could not stop checking their phone that morning. So much so that they started to get careless- teachers were noticing. Reprimanding. But they didn’t care. It wasn’t like they were doing anything on their phone, and they’d be equally as distracted without it.
Mizuki could hardly stand to look at their conversation from last night. Anytime they’d open up Nightcord, they’d see her last message and feel their stomach swing.
It had started like most of their conversations. Ena DMing them because she was still awake, and they were still awake, and they were both bored. Not much had really changed between them since Valentine’s Day. They still bickered the way they always did. Perhaps Mizuki had been overreacting after all.
At least that’s what they thought.
Mizuki didn’t even know how the conversation had gotten there. The night had dragged on, and they had both talked into the later, hazier hours of the night until Ena suddenly sent them that fated message.
Enanan
mizuki
do you think we might be more than just friends?
Mizuki had panicked. This couldn’t be happening. Were they that unsubtle? They knew they should’ve made an excuse for Valentine’s Day. Yellow roses? Fucking idiot. Of course she hadn’t meant it like that.
What did they say? How did they make it so obvious? What do they say now? They weren’t prepared for this. What were they supposed to do? This was just supposed to be another nice late night conversation with Ena. Was this how they were going to lose her?
It had been late enough that Mizuki was able to hide offline and just pretend they had fallen asleep. Would Ena buy that? No, probably not. But it was still a plausible excuse. They needed time to figure it out. They had spent too long, too much time carefully building their relationship with all of them. With her .
They had to figure this out .
So that left them here, now. Sitting on the rooftop at school, wondering what the hell they were going to DM her back. They had set their status to invisible, so they could lurk without anyone seeing that they were online. Not that it really mattered anyway- Ena hadn’t been online since last night. They knew. They had been checking. She was probably asleep, right? God, please just be asleep.
They wanted to scream. Or cry. But they could only just sigh and stare hopelessly at the empty message box on their end. They had no idea what to say. They had no idea what to say.
Their thoughts were suddenly interrupted by the harsh creaking of the metal doors behind them. Slamming their phone face down on the metal vent they sat on, they whipped around to face whoever had come up here.
“Ah, there you are!” it was An, holding what seemed to be a paper bag of some sort. “I was looking for you.”
Oh, great. Not that they didn’t like having her around, but if An was seeking them out specifically, it meant something was wrong.
The way An approached them seemed almost careful. She still held her usual smile on her face, but the slightly intense, appraising look she gave them paired with the minor furrow in her brows told them something was up.
An stood there for a moment, looking at Mizuki and then at the space next to them. They scooched a bit, figuring since she was already here they might as well head them out. An smiled at them a bit more, settling down next to them, paper bag in hand.
She unraveled the curled up top of the bag, opening it up and offering it to them. “Cookie?”
Mizuki peered into the bag, taking a quick glance. Sugar. “The cafeteria doesn’t sell these,” they remarked.
“Yeah,” An smiled softly. “Kohane made these for me. Gave them to me the other day, and I saved some figuring I’d get hungry at some point during the day.”
“Woah, she’s cooking for you now? Looks like things are getting serious!” She gave slight nudge to their shoulder, a blush dusting her cheeks. “I don’t want to eat the cookies your girlfriend made for you . But thanks.”
“I’m not hungry, plus I already had quite a few. C’mon, they’re really good. I promise,” she shook the bag invitingly at them.
They had to admit, they smelled pretty damn good. And it didn’t seem like An was going to take no for an answer, so they reached in and grabbed a cookie, taking a bite.
Woah. They were good. “Damn, An. Your girlfriend can really bake .”
Her smile widened. “I know, right? She does baking as a hobby and she didn’t really think her stuff was that good, but man! Some of her stuff is better than the stuff my dad sells at the café. It’s crazy.”
A slight smirk worked its way onto their face. “Damn, An. You’re breaking my heart over here. I’m practically green with envy.”
An smacked them on the shoulder again. “Oh, shut up! You know we don’t count as real exes.”
“I’m not so sure us just having a healthy friendship counts as us ‘not really being exes,” they chuckled, stuffing the last of the cookie into their mouth. “Damn, that was nice. I was famished.”
“I know. I saw you didn’t eat lunch,” she replied, her tone and smiling dropping into a sort of sad amusement. So that’s what this is about.
Mizuki looked back at her with the same sort of bitter mirth. “Watching me, were you, Shiraishi?”
An didn’t respond immediately, instead straightening out the lapels of her uniform and taking in a breath the way they knew she did when she was about to say something she had already rehearsed in her head. “You know, as a member of the disciplinary committee, when I see someone constantly on their phone in class, I kinda have to say something. But as your friend, I just..” she bit her lip, trailing off and looking at the ground for a moment. “Look, Mizuki, I know I’ve been busy with Vivid BAD SQUAD and you’ve been busy with life and we don’t really talk as much anymore, and you don’t have to share anything if you’re uncomfortable, but..” she placed a hand on their shoulder, and Mizuki tensed under her touch. “If.. if anyone’s giving you shit..”
Oh. So that’s what she thought. Easy enough, they supposed.
“Wh- oh. No, it’s okay An. No one’s .. giving me any shit. It’s all good.”
An gave them a sort of sad smile this time. “Ah. I see. Well, just figured I’d make sure. I’ve got your back, y’know?” her hand fell from their shoulder.
Mizuki nodded with genuine appreciation, relaxing slightly at An’s decision to relent. “Yeah, I know. Thank you.”
A heavy quiet fell between them, neither of them looking at the other anymore. The loaded silence was starting to feel a bit stifling for Mizuki, so they readied themself to start up casual conversation with her before An interjected with her own comment.
“It’s about Shinonome, isn’t it?”
Mizuki nearly fell off their seat. What? How did An even..? They didn’t really disclose much about Niigo to anyone. Sure, An knew they were in it, and that Ena was in it, but .. how did she know?
How did she know about Ena?
“Huh .. ?”
A somber chuckle escaped An’s lips. “I see you in homeroom all the time, giggling and smiling at your phone. I never meant to be nosy, but I could see you stalking through her Instagram during class from right behind you,” she turned to look at them, a glint in her eyes. “Plus, Akito tells me how he sees you at her house a lot. I put the pieces together. I know you.”
Mizuki didn’t really know what to say. They had hoped An would drop it once Mizuki didn’t budge on telling her what had happened. But if she already knew ..
God .. were they seriously that obvious now? They were supposed to be good at hiding this kind of shit.
“Look .. you don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to. But I’m your friend, Mizuki. I care about you. If you want to talk, I’m here for you. Always.”
Her words were almost comforting. But they sounded eerily like someone else’s.
But hey, fuck it. What did they have to lose? Might as well tell An, right?
After a bit of waiting in silence, Mizuki decided to speak. “Me and her, last night, we were .. talking. Just like we usually do. And it was fine, until..” they held their forehead in their hand, not wanting to bear to look at An while saying this. “Until she asked if we were more than friends.”
An blinked, seemingly taking that in. After Mizuki didn’t continue, she tentatively asked “And.. are you?”
They snorted humorlessly at that. “Well, we certainly don’t seem to talk like just friends.” It was time to face the facts now, right? That ‘just friends’ don’t flirt with each other constantly, and go on Valentine’s Day dates together and buy roses for each other.
“And that’s.. bad.”
They rubbed at their temples, inhaling sharply. “God. Fuck, An. I really like her. Like really really like her.” it was the first time they were admitting it in words, but it felt as natural to say as anything. “I really fucking like her. She’s my best friend and talking to her feels like second nature. I can’t fuck that up. I can’t fuck that up by us being more than just friends. So I didn’t respond to her and I haven’t been able to come up with anything to say to her.”
An’s eyebrows furrowed completely now, concern wrinkling the skin of her forehead. “You think you’ll ruin your relationship if you confess because you think she doesn’t like you back?” She sounded like confused. Like it didn’t really make sense.
Another joyless chuckle from Mizuki. “That’s the problem. I’m pretty sure she does.” Another admission Mizuki wasn’t really ready to face. But facts were facts. They weren’t stupid. They couldn’t deny it any longer.
An’s visual worry seemed to grow, until realization dawned on their face. “Oh. Is it .. cause of ..”
Mizuki grimaced. “Yes. No. Kind of. That’s part of it, but fuck, An. I like what we have now. We’re really good friends. She makes me happy. I feel like I can trust her,” they felt their eyes betray them as hotness started to gather at the corners of their eyes. “She knows that there’s something I’m hiding. She doesn’t know what, but she promised she’d wait. She said she’ll always be there when I’m ready to talk. She .. fuck..” they looked up at the space in front of them. Where Ena had stood, tears in her own eyes, proudly declaring she’d wait for them for as long as it took.
They were lying to her, and she was fucking waiting . For them.
An didn't say anything back just yet, just letting out a long sort of placating sigh. One that said ‘yeah, that’s rough’. They heard her inhale as if she was about to continue, and they turned to cut her off before she spoke.
“How’d you do it?”
An’s eyes widened slightly, taken aback. “Huh?”
“With Kohane. You two were really good friends and groupmates before you started dating. Did you never worry at all that you’d ruin at all with her? That you’d majorly fuck something up or she’d find out you were just .. too much and leave? That you’d end up worse than before?”
Mizuki realized they probably said a bit too much judging by An’s expression, and they readied an apology on their tongue right as An looked to the ground and spoke.
“Yeah,” she turned to look back up at them. “I did, actually. I think .. I think I had a crush on her from the moment I saw her. But it only grew from there. I felt like I was in so deep- deeper than she could possibly be. I worried that I was putting my all into her; putting in too much. Too much that she wouldn’t be able to handle,” An sighed, shaking her head. “I worried that I’d be too much to handle, especially while dating. And that I’d overwhelm her. I almost didn’t ask her out because of that.”
Mizuki met her eyes, a silent question in their own.
“Do you remember why we broke up?”
Well! They weren’t expecting that. “Uhh.. this isn’t a trick question, is it?”
An chuckled. “Shush. You remember how we both realized that we really only felt like friends to eachother, and that trying to force a relationship out of that would be bad?”
They nodded slowly, not really understanding where this was going.
“Think of that, but in reverse. That’s why I told her. I knew I felt more for her than a friend, and so every interaction I had with her wouldn’t feel authentic. I knew I had to at least tell her- to be honest to myself about my feelings. I couldn’t live the lie of just being friends with her,” An’s gentle smile from earlier returned. “And she said yes.”
“Wow .. you gotta share some of your pick up lines with me.”
An giggled and elbowed their arm. “Oh, turn it off for once, will you?”
“Me? Turn it off? You’re practically asking me to kill myself.”
“Always so dramatic,” she chided, clicking her tongue. She then schooled her expression into something a little more serious, but still with a gentle, friendly expression on her face as she pulled Mizuki’s hand into hers. “But hey, listen to my advice. Don’t lie to yourself. You don’t have to try to force anything, but be realistic. If you know you’re more than friends, acknowledge it at the very least.”
Mizuki chewed on the inside of their cheek. “Yeah, I’ll.. I’ll keep that in mind. Thanks, An,” they squeezed the hand that held theirs. “I mean it.”
An pulled them in for a shoulder hug, squeezing a bit tighter than usual. “Don’t mention it,” she drew back as the bell for the end of lunch rang out behind her. “Oh, I’ve got to run. Shoot,” she shot an apologetic look at Mizuki as she stood up, gathering the now empty paper bag from earlier. As she walked towards the door, she looked back over her shoulder. “Think about what I said. I’m here for you. Don’t forget that. And try not to be late today.”
They threw up their hands in mock defense. “Whaaat? Me? You know I have perfect attendance, c’mon now.”
“If you’re late you know I’ll have to write you up.”
“Just go, I’ll be in class, I swear!”
They heard her echoing giggle as she disappeared down the stairs, the door shutting behind her with a click.
As silence fell across the rooftop once again, Mizuki felt their smile drop. ‘Don’t lie to yourself’, An had told them.
Easy for her to say.
Mizuki supposed that wasn’t fair. She wasn’t wrong- even knowing their secret, she wasn’t wrong. They didn’t have to force anything right, just don’t live a lie?
How do you do that when your entire life is based around living a lie?
Ena had told them on this very rooftop she’d wait. That she’d be ready. But what after that? Waiting was one thing- but that was no guarantee she wouldn’t leave them if they fucked things up with her. It was easy to keep their relationship safe as friends. But more than friends ? It was just .. too unpredictable. They were too unpredictable. Ena made them stupid . They couldn’t trust themself to not fuck things up if they were to be more than friends .
No. They couldn’t ruin things with Ena. Not now. Not after what they’d built. They could not lose her.
But .. Ena deserved better. Ena deserved better than more lies. She was so patient, so understanding. More than Mizuki deserved, Ena was considerate and forgiving. They could lie to themself, but could they bring themself to lie to her?
Would Ena tolerate another lie?
Mizuki picked up their phone, turning it on and staring down at the question they left unanswered from the night before.
They couldn’t lie. They couldn’t ruin this.
Their grip tightened on the phone.
Their fingers moved across the keyboard.
They feared they’d drop it with how much they were shaking.
They dropped the phone back down to their side, burying their head in their hands as they failed to fight back the wave of tears that spilled out of their eyes.
“I’m sorry, Ena.”
Amia
i dont know.